Drunk Wizards

Man, and we all thought these kids were innocent. Given the success of the Harry Potter movies, it's only expected that this day would come. Do you think Harry is in the bathroom snorting lines of coke? Is Ron Weasley mainlining heroin with the chefs in the kitchen? Do they all buy their smack from Voldemort?

I guess that none of this is really a surprise. We all expected these kids to be junkies by the time they hit puberty anyway...


We know you think she's hot.... pervert.

FRATBOY MISSIONARIES UPDATE

The script is currently under construction. We will keep you updated on our progress.....

Zubino on 24

The Great Zubino

So folks, since this is my first real blog post , I thought there would be no better topic than 24. Here are some of my notes from the last episode and the whole season.

President Logan is a monster douche BUT the actor who plays him should win an award. Martha needs to stop being a little bitch; she definitely should have burnt to a crisp in the limo.

Edgar definitely does have feelings for Chloe. We’ve all sensed this shit since he first hit the scene.Maybe he’s been packing on the pounds because he’s been depressed about her rejecting him and boning that other guy who was a fake mole.

The plot in this season is the BEST in all of the seasons.

Lynn was totally being the biggest douche (bigger than Woodley for sure). He needed to be relieved of his job, but I really wanted to see Curtis pistol whip his ass.

Was the guy that tried to kill Bauer the same guy Nina said Jack turned on and turned in dirty agents in Season 1? Maybe.

Next weeks preview: KIM BAUER?!?! TONY ALMEIDA!?!?!? 2 HOURS?! I think my head just exploded.

I’ll be back next week like Jordan wearin’ the 45.

Michigan-Baylor Beef

Just when you think Michigan football has hit a new low - Baylor has jocked our style. First of all, the hand position is WAY too high. When was the last time you saw a bear extend his hand straight to the sky?

Don't bother us with details about when this tradition started. The fact is: they are dick riders.


Originators...


Dickriders...

7th Floor Crew - Michigan Style

We have obtained a derogatory rap by Michigan football players Jerome Jackson, Tyrone Jordan and Landon Smith, a.ka. "The Mean Team" (thanks Scott).

Of course, the Daily was all over this one.

Unfortunately, these dudes are not nearly as witty as Miami's "7th Floor Crew" and no one realized they were way too close to the microphone. Anyway, here is "Measly Penny."

Sport's Biggest Pimp Championship

It has come down to this: Aaron Sele vs. Rex Grossman. Below is everything you need to make an informed decision....


Aaron Sele

"Sweet party.... whose kid is this....????"

Age: 35
Salary: $700,000
College: Washington State
2005 Stats: 6-12 W-L, 5.66 ERA
Career Highlight: Winning the 2002 World Series
Career Low: Nowadays every outing for Sele gets worse... so every time you see him, he is having the worst performance of his life
Best known for... : Confusing last name
Why Sele should win: Doesn't worry about baby-mama drama
Why Sele shouldn't win: Might not be as much a big partier as he is an alcoholic

VS.

Rex Grossman

"What is in these balloons, kid????!!!!"


Age: 25
Salary: $2.3 Million
College: Florida
2005 Stats: 59.7 Passer Rating, 259 YDS, 1 TD
Career Highlight: Beating Maryland in the 2002 Orange Bowl
Career Lowlight: Guilty of delay of game penalty and season-ending interception - in the same play
Best known for... : Season-ending injuries in the preseason
Why Grossman should win: He's doing whip-its!!!!
Why Grossman shouldn't win: For a pimp, he's around a lot of dudes.....

All Neo-Nazi College Basketball Team

Point Guard
Drew Neitzel: Michigan State

Shooting Guard
Patrick Sparks: Kentucky

Forward:
Kyle Koncz: Princeton

Forward:
Kevin Bookout: Oklahoma

Center:
Janko Mrksic: Old Dominion

Japanese People Are Crazy

Did they actually shot this guy with a tranquilizer gun?

Hand In Your Bozacks??

Well, its time again for The Realests to break down our vocabulary for you, our loyal reader. A lot of times, you might read this site and come across the word "bozack" or some variation of that word. Well, a bozack is a gun plain and simple. For example, note the Jay-Z line - "Rap n****s on the Prozac, get the bozack, threw 4 at me I throw 4 back." Also, Jack Bauer uses his bozack to merck people during each episode of 24. Also, when The Realests do something sweet, we cross our arms and point them at the sky and pretend that we are firing our bozacks into the air (this move has been dubbed The Double Point Up Cross-Over Bozack Grind).

Now, that we've got that out of the way, we want you to know that the Philadelphia 76ers have started a Bozacks for Tickets promotion. Is this how Allen Iverson's crew gets into every home game?

Sport's Biggest Pimp: Final Four

The votes have been counted and we are down to four athletes left.

Rondell White was eliminated for getting hurt more than Ken Griffery, Jr (and leaving the Tigers). Orton's gone for being a whiney little bitch. Pedro's out because he is creepy. Dirk and Steve missed the cut because they deserve each other.

What remains: Big Ben vs. Aaron Sele and Matt Leinart vs. Rex Grossman. Keep the ballots coming............


Big Ben

"What does a World Champion have to do to get his dick sucked around here?"

VS.

Aaron Sele

"Sweet party.... whose kid is this....????"





Matt Leinart

"Oh shit, where am I?... Well, at least I lost that psycho blond chick..."

VS.

Rex Grossman

"What is in these balloons, kid????!!!!"

Flip McTwist

It's great to be a Michigan Wolverine.

What A Complete Psycho...

Now, this is probably the most absurd thing we've seen in a long time. And, just to recount, here's some of the absurd things we've seen: Woodley playing with a double-sided dildo, a mouse riding a cat riding a dog, Ricky Davis passing the ball to an open teammate, Michigan beating Ohio State. Well, here's one more thing: A marriage contract.

Hot Link

This perfectly matches our level of maturity.

Mango On Ice!

"Moisture is the essence of wetness....



... and wetness is the essence of beauty."



Amazingly, no one has made the connection between U.S. men's figure skater Johnny Weir and Chris Kattan's "Mango" character from Saturday Night Live. Leave it to The Realests to let you ponder these things:

Facts:
* Admires Paris Hilton
* Nickname is "Tinkerbell"
* Admits he is "Princessy"
* Referred to himself as "the prettiest flower on the pond"

Quotes:

On how he prepared for his competition: "I slept for about five hours, then I got up and did my hair and put on my fake face."

On his performance, Part I: "It's over, it's done. It's Valentine's Day, and I can go out and buy myself a rose and some chocolate."

On his performance, Part II: "I didn't feel my inner peace tonight. I didn't feel like my aura is white today. My biorhythms were a little off. I was black inside."

Putting Eddie Sutton in Perspective

Eddie S. has been a constant topic of discussion on this blog. Here is a web site that puts his DUI in perspective for all of us.

Virtual Realety

Obviously, the creators of 24 have been looking at the blog because they just created the realest thing to hit the streets since Jay Peso was slingin' crack rock on the corner (Hov did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that). 24: The Game is coming out soon and it looks realer than ever. There are, however, 2 problems with the game:

1. They didn't use V's voice or face for Tony.
2. John McCain isn't in the game (but he endorses it 100%).

This game is going to be the second or third greatest of all-time (behind NCAA and Pirate Ball).



(Post provided by the Zubster)

Realest of the Week

What an idiot.

We love it.

Who is Sports' Biggest Pimp???

This is like Fox's "Sexiest Man" competition, except not gay. Leave your votes in the comment section. The winner will be announced shortly. Following are the pictures of our favorites, followed by their inner monolgue at the time.

Big Ben

"What does a World Champion have to do to get his dick sucked around here...?"

Rondell White

"Man, white girls are so fuckin' easy..."

Kyle Orton

"This one is for you, Lovie... Bitch!"

Pedro Martinez

"They can't see my boner, can they...???"

Matt Leinart

"Oh shit, where am I?... Well, at least I lost that psycho blond chick..."

Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki

"Steve... dude, I gotta tell you something................. shit, I forget..."

Aaron Sele

"Sweet party.... whose kid is this....????"

Rex Grossman

"What is in these balloons, kid????!!!!"

So That's Why Tennessee Sucks....

It goes without saying that there has been a huge drop-off in the Tennessee football program. We've located the problem. Across the country, programs get away with hiring hookers, dishing out cash deliveries and cars, giving friends and relatives jobs in the athletic department, snorting coke with their players, etc., etc.

Tennessee? They are getting busted for giving recruits tickets to women's basketball games.

Squeeze First?

My policy has always been to squeeze first, ask questions last. That's exactly what I did when I put Eddie Sutton on blast. Now Uncle Eddie comes out and says he is an alcoholic, making me look like an asshole. My question: do I take down my earlier post with a letter of apology? Or do I kick the man while he is down and criticize this announcement as a PR move to make U.E. look like a victim?


Have I gone too far, or not far enough?

- Real

So You're Saying There's A Chance...

Well, the movie has gotten both good and bad reviews. But The Realests haven't felt that we've had a really honest review...until now! You see, we've had our fair share of people telling us the story is awesome (Thanks Zubin and Brady) but there's a certain amount of bias in those statements. Now, someone who calls me ugly in 50% of our conversations has critiqued the movie, so we're pretty sure he's not going to pull any punches. To protect the identity of the critic we will refer to him only as Steiny. This is for his own protection.

Steiny: i read your whole script
chinchillas: well, that means you either hate it or love it
Steiny: nah
Steiny: neither
chinchillas: there is no in between!!!
Steiny: i think there were some very funny scenes
Steiny: and some really reaslly stupid scenes
Steiny: would i go see this movie?
Steiny: probably not
Steiny: would i rent this movie?
Steiny: definitely
chinchillas: awesome - thats going on the blog
Steiny: were the last two lines the best part?
Steiny: yes
chinchillas: hahahaha - awesome
Steiny: did i think it showed that the whole script was in fact a political satire?
Steiny: yes

Our first unbiased, honest critic! 

Say It Ain't So!

Now, maybe this is just the crazy 24 fan inside of me talking, but this article really made me scared. I know Keifer Sutherland has a great time playing Jack Bauer and in fact, we have proof that he has taken to pretending to be Jack Bauer in real life (fast forward about halfway to see the clip of Keifer breaking up an attempted mugging). As much as I enjoy Jack getting into his role, this article makes me think that maybe Keifer/Jack has gone a little too far. I mean, it's only TV, you're not actually dying for a cause. Or are you?

He says: "I'll be happy to die. In fact, it's important to the show that Jack eventually dies. And that he does so when you least expect it.

"I've always said that if there comes a point in the show where to kill Jack is what serves the show best, then so be it, and I think every actor who has been in the show feels the same way about their role."

Blue Steel?? 

Darko Dog Nuts

I'm guessing Chad would like us all to forget this article about how sweet Darko was supposed to be.

Will This Video Ever Get Old?

No.


Round 3

McCain = Bozacks

Just in case you needed the exact time he was on...

Coming Soon: MSE Showdown

We are in negotiations with the past two Michigan Daily MSEs about a blog, counter-blog on Michigan sports. For those of you who are unfamiliar with their views, Brady is considered the "bitter journalist" (as evidenced by his blog, Fire Lloyd and Tommy!!!) while Gennaro is known as the "homer". If the early negotiations are any indication, this will be blastmastic:

killacaligf: i refuse to involve myself with that man in terms of michigan sports in any way

AllAboutTheCause: feeling is mutual
AllAboutTheCause: i pity the foo
AllAboutTheCause: who don't eat my cereal

I feel like I am trying to set up a title match between ego-maniac boxers. Please harass them as soon as possible to get this debate set up.

Real World Detroit!!

Good thing we have our ears to the streets, because they are talking about how the Real World is currently taping in Royal Oak, right outside the D. The Realests can only speculate this is finally the season for the "Mad Real World":


Dave Chapelle welcomes the dude from Best Week Ever to the D...

Putting Eddie Sutton on Blast

Would you want your kid playing for this guy?


The glorification of Eddie Sutton has gone too far. First, it was the constant "legendary coach" stories that ran at the Final Four two years ago. Recently, it was the sob stories about how this car accident might bring a sad end to a great coaching career.

Let us remind everyone that:

1) He had been drinking

2) OK State was successful because he was bringing in kids other programs either didn't want or threw out - JamesOn Curry, Tony Allen and Doug Gottlieb, to name a few. By the way, how many people here knew Gottlieb, now an analyst for ESPN, was thrown out of Notre Dame for stealing credit cards?... Oh, and let's not forget no-name Jason Keep. Here is what Sutton had to say about Keep last year in the Sunday Oklahoman: " (Keep) was a good guy, but he had a bad temper. He'd ocassionally get in a fight. He would take a swing at someone, especially after he had a few beers." That's nice.

3) Sutton was busted for one of the biggest scandals in NCAA history while at Kentucky. Among the violations, his son, Sean, took a college entrance exam for a player. Sean is OSU's head coach designate. Also, a recruit was sent $1,000 in an overnight delivery envelope (20 $50 bills through the mail, what is this - Blue Chips???)

Knowing all of this, the AP runs a story today about how the Big 12 coaching fraternity will miss Sutton, with a bunch of quotes from opposing coaches about how much he means. We don't blame the coaches (obviously they had to say something nice), we blame the AP for forcing them to regurgitate these words:

" "The one thing he always stood for was class," said Kansas coach Bill Self, who played at Oklahoma State and is one of Sutton's biggest admirers."

" "I've never coach against a better coach than Eddie Sutton," Sampson said. "I mean that from the bottom of my heart."



Does anyone have a problem with all of this???

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!!

The Originator

Wondering where we came up with the song "You are a huge nerd"? I've traced the lyrics to this. As for the tune, I'm still looking....

Realest of the Week

This was a tough call, but it's going to Rattner. Giving us a heads up about John McCain's appearance on "24" was instrumental in our blog resurgence. Rat is just proof that if you keep working hard, you can accomplish anything. Please congratulate him when you next get a chance. And if you see him in person, buy the guy a shot of Patron.


DARRRR!!!!!!! 

You Look Like A Horse!!!

You are ugly now

It's pretty safe to say that Lindsay Lohan won the whole "Who's Hotter?" challenge...

The Ultimate MICHIGAN Experience at the N.I.T.!!!!

With a loss to Purdue today, the Michigan basketball season is officially on its way down the toilet. Book your tickets NOW to New York for the NIT Final Four - any Michigan fan is welcome to stay at our place (the futon makes for a good night's sleep - everyone else bring your piss and shit resistant sleeping bags). We guarantee the ultimate MICHIGAN experience at MSG:

1) Constant chants of "Let's Go Mich-i-gan"
2) FULL popcorning - none of that "half jumping because I don't think the guy next to me is jumping and I don't want to look like an idiot" stuff
3) Finding Rudy T. and chanting "Rudy" throughout (we saw Rudy at a Knicks game about a month ago, so it is pretty much guaranteed he would be there), even though RT didn't graduate and supposedly would never be fired because of that
4) Convincing ourselves that we won't be that bad next year if we get a new coach and Lester comes back and "can finally stay healthy" because Sims is really progressing and Horton is overrated and a head case
5) Reminiscing about how sweet the Fab Five was, and how we should go back to just being gang bangers
6) Guessing how many minutes it will take Greg Oden to break Courtney Sims in half in our first meeting with OSU next year
7) Speculation about next year's football season, and how we are going to be totally sweet with the new coordinators and all those offensive weapons
8) And - MOST IMPORTANTLY - heading to "Off the Wagon" (a.k.a. the "Scorekeepers" of New York) after we win the nati!!!


"Dude, they're totally gonna hire Rudy T. even though he didn't graduate. I mean, what other choice do we have - Ramsey?!........ This is so fucking pathetic, I mean we're MICHIGAN!!!"

"He Did It Again??? Haters No Like...."

We've always said that we have the unique ability to piss off anyone that comes anywhere near us. Well, we've done it again... Only a few hours after posting our script online, we've already provoked a very angry response. And, once again, we're incredibly proud of it. We've placed the reader's statements in block quotes and our responses directly below their statements.

Plain and simple you cant write. Hell you cant even capture the cliché's right.

Therein lies the dilemma - we aren't trying to capture cliches. Stop watching crap like Dodgeball and Starsky & Hutch and get back to us then. Respect the King.

From the portions of this script that I have read this is not your run of the mill frat house, they are having a mosh pit, what kind of self respecting frat holds a mosh pit.

We are committed to the fact that there is no such thing as a "self respecting frat." Respect the King.

So then Hunter proceeds to kick the *beep* out of Corey, now if this was a real movie they would be enemies plain and simple, none of this other *beep* Hunter would never just invite him to the frat.

Its okay to use swear words buddy. If we reject your comment its not because you used potty-mouth language, its because we think you're an idiot and we don't respect your garbage opinion. Respect the King.

Its near 2 in the A.M. so if this is poorly written I apologise, but your script does suck, write something decent and I know a few mediocre directors that I can pitch it to. But with that, I would not even wipe my ass with that trash.

We really do appreciate you staying up past your bed time to read our script. And we'll make sure to get the new draft to you as soon as possible boss. Respect the King.

Well, that's all we have to say. Again, if nothing else, this proves our unique talent to infuriate people.

Hook 'em While They're Young

Oh man...

This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. THIS IS HILARIOUS.

What Could Have Been....

A lot of people don't realize this, but I discovered Kanye West.

.... It was the summer of 2003 while I was interning at Def Jam, and Kanye had just finished the video for "Through the Wire". I literally sat in my boss' office and watched the video over and over and over. I knew Kanye was about to blow up, but his album wasn't coming out for another 6 months (as you can see, Def Jam is really bad about timing the videos with album releases).

But Joe Budden's album was coming out in weeks, and I went for the quick score. I signed up for Team Budden. By the time Joey released the video for "Fire", Def Jam scrambled to pull any and all support from the album. My boss Tish and I were finished - with Def Jam millions in the hole, Team Budden was thrown on the street. And all I got was a mesh hat with "Joe Budden" sprayed on it - which, by the way, has since been lost.

Currently, Joey is desparately trying to start beef with anyone, prompting a person on this particular message board to say Joey should suck not 1, but 2 dicks.

It's just crazy to think I could have been at the Grammy's last night, instead of staring at Woodley's butthole....


Hey Kev - great book. Can I write the sequel, ".... And Back to Intern"?

Mamba Strikes Back

Apparently Nike has decided that its time to unveil Kobe's marketing campaign with a new commercial Thursday night (perhaps in an attempt to overshadow the All-Star Game selections?). Kobe ditched Adidas in 2003 so that he could sign with Nike and get his dollars up. Then, of course, he got into a little trouble in Colorado and he got dumped by every corporation that he was supposed to be endorsing.


Love me...Please?!?

But now Nike wants to get him back out into the ad world. My favorite part of this whole thing is the voice over during the commercial:

'Love me or hate me, it's one or the other. Always has been. Hate my game, my swagger. Hate my fadeaway, my hunger. Hate that I'm a veteran. A champion. Hate that. Hate it with all your heart. And hate that I'm loved, for the exact same reasons.'

Now, that by itself is pretty good. But I think Kobe and Nike forgot that people hate him because he destroyed the Lakers and allegedly raped a girl. Couldn't the heads at Nike figure out a way to get that into the commercial? Anyway, maybe they'll roll that out for the next ad campaign.

Real Maverick

There is no person more entertaining in the NBA than Mark Cuban. Not only his he incredibly loaded, but he had Dallas Maverick football jerseys made that he wears to every home game. Oh, and his team is slamming fools in the Western conference. To add to all that, he just took Phil Jackson out behind the woodshed.


Crazy Genius or Undeniably Real?

We hope this blows into a full time beef. If it keeps up, we might even put it into the Beef series that we are working on. We think Phil Jackson is a little baby. We think Mark Cuban is real.

Daddy, Where Have You Been?

I'm sure by now everyone has heard of Jodie Sweetin's meth problem. But pay particular attention to this part:

"After a particularly bad three-day bender, which reportedly resulted in an intervention staged by her former Full House costars, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget, Sweetin checked herself into Promises rehab facility for six weeks of intensive therapy."

1) Where was Dave Coulier? Does he not care anymore? Very disappointed in Uncle Joey...
2) Hey, aren't interventions the responsibility of REAL families?



Dude..... you've changed......