12.03.2007

REALESTS' TOP 10 MICHIGAN CANDIDATES

Michigan fans have lost their damn minds.

After Les Miles decided to stay at LSU, MGoBlue Nation has panicked. Who the hell is going to coach this team, you say? The Kirk Ferentz deal looks dead. Jeff Tedford just lost 6 of his last 7 games, including L's to Washington and Stanford in the last two weeks. Greg Schiano just lost to Steve Krapthorpe. There's word out of Ann Arbor that Bill Martin hates Brian Kelly.

Everyone needs to just calm down and take a deep breath (As Samuel L. Jackson would say, "Someone tell that bitch to chill!!!"). As The Realests have discovered through extensive research, there are plenty of good candidates out there. We just have to open our minds a little bit.

Alas, here's our updated Top 10 candidates for the Michigan coaching position:

10. John Cooper
Current Job: ESPN Analyst
Career College Record: 192-84-6
Critics point to his 2-10-1 record vs. Michigan. We point to his 10-2-1 record against Ohio State. Just 1-6 vs. Tressel, desperate times call for desperate measures. Let's not forget Coop had a .724 winning percentage at tOSU and was a recruiting monster. Just imagine Cooper getting carried off the field by Michigan players next year flicking off Ohio Stadium after Michigan ruins Ohio State's run at another national championship just like old times. Hey, we're gonna lose anyway, so why not roll the dice?

9. Wayne Fontes
Current Job: Retired
Career College Record: None
After 10 years out of the game, Wayne Fontes doesn't look so bad anymore, does he? Like Cooper, this would be a great way to stick it to one of our rivals (Fontes played and coached at Michigan State). He knows the area and is used to being on the hot seat. Ryan Mallett in the Run and Shoot offense would be unstoppable. And the Mickey Mouse ears would go over huge in recruiting.

8. Bill Callahan
Current Job: None
Career College Record: 27-22
Again, people only look at the negative with Callahan. Yeah, his defense gave up over 60 points in 2 of its last 3 games. The Realests have always been a glass-half-full blog and we'd like to point out Nebraska averaged 54 PPG in their last three contests. Looking at the statistics, if you combine Callahan's offense with Ron English's defense, the 2008 Wolverines could be better than the "Point a Minute" teams.

7. Jerry Glanville
Current Job: Portland State Head Coach
Career College Record: 3-8
OK, even we can't spin Glanville's 3-8 season at Portland State this year. But he does have Michigan ties (he attended Northern Michigan, a la Lloyd Carr) and his first order of business would be changing to a black on black winged helmet which - if it looked anything like Portland State's redesigned helmet - would be a huge hit among gang bangers rocking Michigan gear.

6. Mike Gundy
Current Job: Oklahoma State Head Coach
Career College Record: 17-19
You think this column pissed him off? Wait till Gundy gets a load of Drew Sharp. Gundy's Monday morning press conferences would be broadcast live each week on ESPNews.



5. Jim Cantafio
Current Job: None
Career College Record: None
We wouldn't need to worry about coddling these guys anymore once Cantafio showed up in Ann Arbor (see video below). Since getting whacked from coaching Wilson High School and banned from the campus over financial dealings, this man has two years of pent up rage to unleash on the Wolverines. Imagine Chad Henne's face if this guy walked into the locker room of the Capital One Bowl before kickoff. Hmm, wonder if Danny has any college eligibility left?



4. Gary Moeller
Current Job: None
Career College Record: 50-37-6
Where are we at in society today when people don't get second chances? It's been 12 years since Moeller got wasted and lost his shit at a Southfield restaurant. It's anyone's guess if he's sober now, but the guy was 3-1-1 against Ohio State.

3. Dave Wannstedt
Current Job: Pittsburgh Head Coach
Career College Record: 16-19
A couple weeks ago we were calling Wannstedt the 2nd Wost Coach in Football. Now he's got a juicy extension and looks like Vince Lombardi after defeating No. 2 West Virginia. Wannstedt might be out of our league as he's now the Bill Cowher of college football right now: He has his pick of jobs in America and can name his price. We'd be lucky to have him.

2. Rush Propst
Current Job: Hoover High School Head Coach
Career College Record:
None
Lloyd Carr's retirement is perfect timing as Propst - the star of MTV's "Two-A-Days" - is being forced out at Hoover. Academic scandal, extramarital affairs and more kids out of wedlock than Shawn Kemp? If he isn't a Michigan Man, we don't know what is.

1. Jerry Moore
Current Job: Appalachian State Head Coach
Career College Record: 192-118-2
How has this name not come up? Ohio State plucked Tressel from I-AA Youngstown State after winning 4 natis in 15 years as Penguins head coach. That's child's play for Moore, who is going for his third straight I-AA national title. Plus, he'd finally bring Michigan into the 21st century with the spread offense (Armanti Edwards is only a sophomore, by the way). So what if he's 68 years old? This is a no-brainer.

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