12.24.2008

REALESTS' TOP MICHIGAN DC CANDIDATES

With names like Tommy Tuberville, Romeo Crennel and Mike Trgovac swirling around the Ann Arbor Rumor Mill, we decided to dig up a couple other under-the-radar candidates we'd like to see return Big Blue to glory:

7. Greg Robinson (former Syracuse coach)

Why he will be our next DC:
2-time Super Bowl champion and always upbeat, which would be a nice change of pace from players being called "c****" all day. He's also a Notre Dame killer.

Why he won't:
Possibility of Michigan alum turning into a Kitty Killer copycat.

6. John Cooper (former Ohio State coach)

Why he will be our next DC:
His 10-2-1 record vs. Ohio State speaks for itself. Brilliant gameday coach (and by brilliant, we mean wretched).

Why he won't:
Hasn't successfully stringed a sentence together since 1992.

5. Gary Moeller (former Michigan coach)


Why he will be our next DC:
How long has it been since his outburst at Excalibur? 13 years?! Let's let bygones be bygones!

Why he won't:
He'd be at The Vu by sundown.

4. Chris Spielman (ESPN analyst)

Why he will be our next DC:
Just to piss off Ohio State and combine him and Barwis in one locker room.

Why he won't:
Would never pull a Benedict Arnold like Moeller. Plus, the man used to picture people raping his wife to get pumped up for plays. He belongs in a cage.

3. Lloyd Carr (former Michigan coach)

Why he will be our next DC:
It turns out sitting around reading "War and Peace" all day sucks ass, and he's itching to sit in front of a mic one more time and scowl, "This is his best game since COMING TO MICHIGAN."

Why he won't:
There's a better chance the terradactyl comes back before Lloyd.

2. Glen Mason (former Minnesota coach)

Why he will be our next DC:
All jokes aside, he did a pretty decent job for the Gophers. And he's well tapped into Ohio's recruiting pipeline.

Why he won't:
Doofus. And he's not impressed with any of the fake bake operations in Ann Arbor.

1. Rod Marinelli (Lions head coach)

Why he will be our next DC:
If any former NFL coach automatically is a good college coach, then how bad could he mess up being DC? He could turn Brandon Graham into the next Simeon Rice.

Why he won't:
Could be the worst coach in NFL history. Are he and Joe Barry considered a packaged deal now? Hey, would you want another year of Rob Parker sitting in on your pressers?

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