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2010 REALESTS SUPER SLEEPER: WOFFORD

2010-03-16T11:08:00.007-04:00

OK, we'll admit it. Last year's pick Stephen F. Austin was a bomb.

But we're still 2-1 on our Super Sleeper (Northwestern State in 2006, San Diego in '08).

Undeterred, we're going back out on a limb this year with our pick of a #13 seed or worse. And Siena doesn't even count with Purdue missing Robbie Hummel.

So who does that leave? Well the Wofford Terriers of course!

Consider the following:

- Wisconsin a #4 seed? Please. This team should be a #6, tops.

- The game is in Jacksonville, just 5 hours from campus. That's Wofford Country, son!

- Jon Leuer is a great player for Wisco, but he hasn't nearly been the same since coming back from a wrist injury. Good luck getting into your groove in the Big Dance.

- Wofford has BEATEN, yes BEATEN Georgia and South Carolina, and played Pitt down to the wire.

- The Terriers have lost just ONCE in 2010. That's what we call a roll, my friends - even if it's in the SoCon.

- Noal Dahlman = $$$. When he's on - like he was vs. South Carolina - the Terriers are scary good.

- Wisconsin's grind-it-out style works right into the hands of an inferior athletic team that just wants to hang around until the final 2 minutes

Fear the Terrier!

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2010-01-21T19:25:00.001-05:00

Remember Teddy Dupay from the 2000 National Title Game Florida Gators? The guy that was thrown out for allegedly gambling on sports?

We bet you've been wondering where he's been the last 10 years.

Allow him to reintroduce himself:

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2010-01-13T19:56:00.004-05:00

You wanna talk about about squeezing first and asking questions last. Check out Conan O'Brien just droppin' bows on NBC during Tuesday's Tonight Show.

Go straight to 2:00:

Gotta love the idea of NBC suits petting their cats Dr. Claw-style and smashing glass while watching this episode on their own air.

Update: He really outdid himself Wednesday night. It's just an hour of droppin' bows on NBA at this point. Enjoy it while it lasts because next week is rumored to be his finale:

REALEST OF THE DECADE: RON ARTEST

2010-01-02T19:17:00.006-05:00

Alright, we milked that about as long as we could. Without further adieu, your Realest of the Decade is none other than the Tru Warier, Ron Artest:

There have been some insane acts of reality in the past decade but there's just no one that delivered year-in year-out like Artest. He entered the decade just another street-tough rookie from the Queens projects; ten years later, he's the craziest mofo in NBA history.

Let's take a look back at his timeline since 2000, with the help of LA Sports Central:

June 13, 2001: During a pickup game, broke two of Michael Jordan's ribs. Said Artest: "I read it in the paper and was like, 'Man, Mike's ribs got broke. How'd his ribs get broke?'"

Jan 4, 2003: Suspended three games and fined $35,000 for smashing video equipment after a loss to the Knicks at Madison Square Garden.

Jan. 30, 2003: Suspended four games after confrontation with Heat coach Pat Riley on the sidelines during the game, then flipping the fans in Miami "the bird."

Feb. 26, 2003: Suspended one game by Pacers for smashing a framed picture of himself in Conseco Fieldhouse.

March 20, 2003: Suspended two games for flagrant foul on Celtics forward Paul Pierce that occurred five seconds into the game. It was his eighth flagrant foul of the season.

April 3, 2003: Fined $20,000 for making an obscene gesture to the crowd in Cleveland.

Feb. 16, 2004: Marked his first All-Star appearance by continually changing shoes during the game in the hopes of getting a shoe contract.

May 25, 2004: Fined $10,000 for making an obscene gesture during Eastern Conference Finals against the Pistons (are you seeing a trend here?).

Nov. 9-10, 2004: Benched for two games after asking for time off to promote the release of his upcoming rap album.

Nov. 19, 2004: Ya'll already know:

Oct. 2005: Appeared on the cover of the December issue of Penthouse. In the interview, Artest said he wanted to box Ben Wallace on pay-per-view.

Dec. 10, 2005: In an interview with the Indianapolis Star, Artest suggests the Pacers trade him, saying he wouldn't mind coming off the bench for LeBron James.

Jan. 1, 2006: Artest, tells the New York Post that his New Year's resolution is to: "Teach math classes in elementary schools throughout the country. And, of course, I want to sell 10 million records."

July 7, 2009: ... How about this for a Flip McTwist? After beef with Kobe in the playoffs, Artest signs with the Lakers for five years. Opts to wear #37 in honor of Michael Jackson, whose album "Thriller" was the top-selling record for 37 consecutive weeks - he explains he is "hoodalizing" the number.

Aug. 2009: While traveling through China, gives an impoverished kid a $45,000 diamond watch for his education.

Nov. 2009: Artest shows up on Jimmy Kimmel in only his boxers. Why? Because he was running late, of course.

Dec. 2009: Artest claims "I used to drink Hennesy at halftime."

We can't wait to see what Artest is doing in 2020. Any guesses???

2009 REALEST OF THE YEAR

2009-12-26T20:03:00.006-05:00

It's that time of year again - when we select the most ridiculous, idiotic, narcissistic and just downright absurd individual of the last 365 days - a.k.a. the 5th annual Realest of the Year.

They've got some pretty select company to join:

2008: Starbury
2007: Akon
2006: The Realests
2005: Arizona Bum

You might be wondering why we are making our selection so early. After all, there's still five days left for people to lose their minds. Well we've still got to select the Realest of the Decade, people. Feel free to send in your submissions, which will have absolutely no bearing on the results.

But now we'd like to give a shout-out to the runners-up for this year's R.O.Y.:

Dre Bly:

What's realer that busting out a vintage Neion Deion Sanders dance? Doing it at your own 25-yard line:

Stephon Marbury:

Starbury made a huge push for back-to-back titles with his new YouTube channel. But then again, who hasn't cried in front of their computer naked with R. Kelly in the background and then followed it by eating vaseline for desert?

Berlino:

Mascots are all fun and games until someone gives a piggyback ride and slams into the hurdles truck. Seriously, who hired this hit man?

Berian Gobeil:

We never thought we'd see Stonybrook soccer on this list, but then again we never thought we'd see soccer players doing cartwheels as trash talk. After Hartford goalie Nenad Cudic did cart wheels to psyche out Gobeil on penalty kicks, the Stonybrook player scored and then returned the favor by doing cart wheels in his face:

And the winner is..........

Elizabeth Lambert:

You've all seen the pony tail yank, but that was just the highlight of the Lambert Massacre vs. BYU, when she also punched a player in the back, another in the face, and just went flat-out Beast Mode for 90 minutes. Get this girl on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge immediately:

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-12-14T22:33:00.002-05:00

Meredith of Queens, who asks new New York Post sex columnist Ashley Dupre:

"How do I know if my daughter may be getting into trouble?"

Woah, Ms. Lippy, did you seriously just ask a whore advice on your daughter?

Bravo.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-12-07T14:09:00.001-05:00

Kudos to former Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis for taking the low road on his way out of South Bend with bozacks in hand.

First Weis accused USC coach Pete Carroll of cheating on his wife by living with an SC grad student in Malibu.

When a national backlash ensued, Weis didn't deny the comment but instead went to the classic "taken out of context" excuse. Um, what exactly was taken out of context about this?

"Let me ask you this question: You guys know about things that go on in different places. Was I living with a grad student in Malibu, or was I living with my wife in my house? You could bet that if I were living with a grad student here in South Bend, it would be national news. He's doing it in Malibu, and it's not national news."

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-11-30T13:27:00.002-05:00

We came oh-so-close to handing this week's award to Tiga, Tiga Woods y'all but what does this look like - TMZ? We need to collect all the facts before we just hand you a Realest of the Week.

So while that gets sorted out, a heavy dose of kudos to Pete Carroll for pissing on the grave of UCLA head coach and Realests' nemesis Rick Neuheisel:

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-11-22T21:50:00.004-05:00

Apparently word has gotten out about our comeback because people started acting a fool left and right this week.

A serious tip of the cap this week to Brad from "The Ruins" for completely losing his damn mind, Dunbar for screaming, "You're the one who wanted to play just the tip Kelly Anne!" and Les Miles for demanding a spike with 1 second left in a game.

But there was really no competition for Realest of the Week after Yale coach Tom Williams went for it on 4th and 22 from his own 25-yard line while up 3 over Harvard with 2:25.

The fake punt failed, Harvard scored 3 plays later and Yale lost.

Asked why he went for it, Williams responded "to keep our foot on the pedal and not play scared."

Because we'd rather lose like Tom Williams than win like Jim Tressel any day of the week.

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-11-15T20:19:00.003-05:00

Any questions?

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-11-15T11:33:00.007-05:00

Leave it to Nic Cage to bring us out of retirement.

That's right, kids. After a 5 month hiatus, we are so very, very back (and by back we mean doing the Realest of the Week, uh, weekly).

In an acting performance that rivals only his work in "The Wicker Man", check out Cage as a dope fiend cop in the upcoming "Bad Lieutenant".

Highlights include:

• Strangling a grandma by her necklace

• "What are these fucking iguanas doing on my coffee table???"

• "This is my lucky crack pipe... You don't have a lucky crack pipe?"

• (in Al Pacino voice) "'Til the break of dawwwwwwwn, Bay-Bay!"

• "Shoot him again.... His soul's still dancing.... Hehehehehe!!!"

Just roll the footage:

DOWN FOR THE COUNT

2009-06-17T02:42:00.007-04:00

It's gotten so bad over here that like Mike Tyson at the end of his career, we're embarrassing ourselves and only in it for the money these days.

Of course we didn't realize the Google Ads were taken off over a year ago until just now.

But that's neither here nor there.

As of today, June 17, The Realests are officially retired from the blogging game.

If you still crave to read our twaddle, head over to Lost Lettermen, Lost Lettermen on Facebook or LL on Twitter.

Will we be back? Only time will tell.

P.S. Before you go, check out this charity auction for a very, very good cause in Ann Arbor.

FIRST GREG PAULUS, NOW KELVIN GRADY???

2009-06-02T00:21:00.004-04:00

Apparently any former college basketball player has an open offer to join the Michigan football team, as former UM point guard Kelvin Grady has joined the football team. Take a look at the projected 2009 starting offense for our beloved Wolverines.

Look at those bookend tackles!!

QB: Chase Budinger
RB: Darren Collison
WR: Gerald Henderson
WR: Sam Young
WR: Kelvin Grady
TE: Taylor Griffin
T: Luke Harangody
G: Dante Cunningham
C: Jon Brockman
G: DeMarre Carroll
T: Tyler Hansbrough

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-05-19T09:09:00.002-04:00

Lost in all the A-Rod controversy the last couple years is that Kobe Bryant was once considered the biggest fake in sports.

This doesn't help:

For one thing, that form is just a disaster. That looks less like the Roc Diamond and more like a female part of the anatomy.

Then again, maybe Bean is doing that on purpose...

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-05-18T18:37:00.001-04:00

This isn't an LSD flashback: That's actually Mike "The Miz" in the ring at a recent WWE event trash-talking Alfonso Soriano and Soriano just takin' it.

Hey Alfonso: Go up there and smash a chair over his head!!

(Skip straight to 3:00...)

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-05-15T11:32:00.001-04:00

This kid's an animal, folks:

IT SUX TO BE A MICHIGAN WOLVERINE

2009-05-14T16:02:00.002-04:00

2,000 days - and counting - since Michigan last beat Ohio State...

On a side note, it's been 14,574 days since the guy who counted this up had a life.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-05-06T12:01:00.004-04:00

You know we love Bird.

But this is the first picture we've seen fully detailing his tattoos and all we can say is, "Wow."

"What would go well with Chinese symbols and a dog collar tattoo? How about bird wings coming out of my arm pits!"

Well, it could be worse.

ARE WE REALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL???

2009-05-03T18:20:00.002-04:00

Or has Andy Katz just lost it?

According to his most-recent 2009-10 Top 25, Michigan is #9 in the country.

#9!!!!

Our first reaction was:

- The John Beilein media hype machine has spun out of control

- We are getting way, way too much credit for beating a Clemson team that collapsed at the end of the year

And yet, when you look at the teams around us, it isn't that far fetched - which says more about the state of college basketball than how good Michigan will be next year. Though we will say that Ohio State and Illinois should both be ranked ahead of us since they went a combined 4-1 against us.

Think these seats are still available in Lucas Oil Stadium???

GREG ROBINSON PRAISE KEEPS POURING IN

2009-04-22T20:46:00.004-04:00

Did you note the sarcasm there?

Found this excerpt interesting from an SI article on the Syracuse spring game. Said junior center Jim McKenzie after singing the school fight song with his teammates afterward:

"That was the first feeling of a unified team that I've had in a long time."

Uh, that's not a good sign when the Michigan defense was already pointing fingers at each other and taking swings at coaches by the end of last season.

REALEST OF THE WEEK: TUPAC SHAKUR

2009-04-17T11:56:00.002-04:00

Man, who could foresee 2Pac's return coming at a Wizards-Celtics game? From Wednesday:

HT: Barstool Sports

AN ABSOLUTE MUST-READ

2009-04-17T00:06:00.002-04:00

The story of wonderboy Todd Marinovich and his Daddy Dearest father, Marv.

This is some mind-blowing shit - and not just because Marinovich has been dropping acid for the last 20 years straight.

SPEAKING OF BALLS IN THE FACE....

2009-04-16T13:32:00.005-04:00

This certainly won't help the rumors Anderson Cooper's hiding in the closet:

"It's hard to talk when you're tea-bagging."

I love Old Man River laughing his ass off as if to say, "Oh Anderson: You homo..."

MICHIGAN'S NEXT QB: GREG PAULUS???

2009-04-15T10:14:00.003-04:00

This feels like our April Fools' joke, but we assure you it is not: Greg Paulus could be Michigan's starting quarterback this fall (FoxSports.com).

OK, it's definitely time for the Nic Cage Triplets Face:

So he's had more balls in his face over the last 4 years than Kobe Tai (as evidenced here, here, here and here).

And yes, we're already on the Tate Forcier bandwagon after one beautiful touchdown pass in the Spring Game.

But this is a GENIUS move by Rich Rodriguez. We don't have any more insight into Paulus' game than what you're already reading: He was unreal in high school and would be a perfect fit for the spread.

All we have to say right now is that it's about time Dick Rod started finding loopholes to exploit (seriously, what were we paying you for???) and we need all the QBs we can get when this dude's our backup.

Oh, and if this pisses off the rest of the coaches in the Big 10, all the better.

We are SO back.

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE WEEK

2009-04-14T09:40:00.001-04:00

You gotta love Ludacris' message in this one:

"Something go wrong? Punch someone in the face!"

THE NEW HOTNESS

2009-04-12T23:19:00.002-04:00

Yeah, this is gonna be funny:

We love that after Borat people were saying, "I don't think he'll be able to do another movie now that he's so famous." Hello, do you realize how many morons there are in this world???

Let's hope he was able to track down these dudes:

KANYE WEST DONE BEING A DOUCHE?

2009-04-10T16:00:00.004-04:00

Well it only took Kayne West 5 years to realize his Monster Ego act had worn thin. After getting put on blast by "South Park" last night, he posted this message on his blog:

"AS LONG AS PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME. I GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE I'M NOT ACTUALLY A HUGE DOUCHE BUT I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE."

Easy on the Caps lock, 'Ye!

But seriously, it's quite refreshing to see a prima donna come out and call himself a douche these days. Maybe someone else can take Kanye's lead...

NCAA TOURNAMENT TOP 5 MOMENTS

2009-04-09T09:27:00.000-04:00

Very disappointing tournament full of blowouts and favorites. But don't worry: We boiled down the Dance to the Top 5 moments for you:

5. From Way Downtown - Bang!

4. Good-son to the Last Drop

3. "Onions! Double Order!"

2. Scottie Too Hotty

1. Whale Porn

Was there ever any doubt?

See you all next year.

HE DID IT AGAIN? HATERS NO LIKE

2009-04-07T19:10:00.003-04:00

That's it: We're buying Knick tickets for tomorrow night's game.

I mean how often can you go to Madison Square Garden and chant "MVP! MVP! MVP!" - well aside from when LeBron and Kobe are in town??

Now you can do it every night folks, because Courtney Sims has been named D-League MVP!!!

Forget that this title is somewhere between Ohio State valedictorian and being a bastard child of Shawn Kemp in terms of prestige - you've gotta give it up for Sims working his ass off the last couple years.

This is going to sound like blasphemy, but is Courtney Sims right now better than Greg Oden?

Yeah, we said it.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-04-06T23:25:00.006-04:00

Well this should cheer Sparty fans up:

Paul Davis on the Millionaire Matchmaker.

You can't make this stuff up.

Wait, was Paul Davis just described as a "basketball sensation"? I just made the Nic Cage "Triplets?!?!?" face.

Next, someone needs to look into Paul Davis's finances. A millionaire? We think not.

And you know you're in trouble when the orange lady from Millionaire Matchmaker is saying you have 0 personality:

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-04-03T11:43:00.003-04:00

"Not poop, coach - anything but poop!!!!"

Oh women's basketball.

That reminds us...

THE RETURN OF C.T.

2009-04-02T10:01:00.003-04:00

There was really only one way for MTV to redeem itself after disastrous experiment known as "The Island" and the worst Real World season ever:

C.T. jacking people in the face.

From the man that brought you "I will work you, dog!!!!" - behold:

That's what I'm talkin' about!!!!!

See you next Wednesday at 10 PM.

BREAKING NEWS: XAVIER HENRY TO MICHIGAN!

2009-04-01T13:11:00.001-04:00

How's that to pick up your day???

In "Fuckin' Shitballs!!!" news, Jason King of Yahoo! has literally just broken news that the nation's #1 basketball recruit, SG Xavier Henry, has already bailed on Memphis with the departure of John Calipari and will instead become a MICHIGAN MAN!!!

Henry's father, Carl, has confirmed the report.

Apparently, Xavier became enamored with Big Blue while watching the Dance and had an impromptu 30-minute talk with Johnny B after hearing about Cal-to-Kentucky.

Oh, and it didn't hurt he LOVES the Fab Five.

Said Carl: "Xavier's already got his black socks picked out."

A press conference is scheduled at 4:00 PM for his Oklahoma City High School, which will be broadcast live on ESPNEWS.

(FYI: It's pronounced "Zah-vee-A", not Xavier like the school - better get used to saying it!)

Needless to say, this is the biggest recruiting haul since the Fab Five and instantly puts Michigan in the 2010 national title hunt. Now please pardon us while we go barf up our Pop Tart.

Savor this link, people. (Yahoo!)

CO-REALESTS OF THE WEEK

2009-03-31T15:50:00.005-04:00

We've got another first at The Realests - a split R.O.Y. between Nic Cage and Michigan backup QB David Cone (HT: GSylvest).

Let us explain:

Nic Cage

You put a bunch of Japanese dudes and Nic Cage in the same room and you know crazy shit is gonna happen. It's just amazing it took us (and by us, I mean The Sports Guy) this long to find it.

David Cone

Skip the first minute then let the good rhymes roll!!!

D.Cone Goin In For Life.

Let us breakdown a couple of these raps:

"I am so G.A., like Chipper with the Braves."

OK, I've heard better lyrics from LFO.

"Someone grab the Febreze, I think we have it in the kitchen.
And spray in on the mic cuz when I'm rappin' I be shittin'."

Very Lil Wayne-esque...

"I told 'em miss me with that bullshit, I won't miss you when I pull it.
I will miss you when I'm pulling bullets out that full clip."

OK, that shit don't even make sense. We love it.

Hey, maybe there is hope for this team!

MICHIGAN BASKETBALL RECAP

2009-03-28T13:46:00.001-04:00

Alright everyone's been waiting patiently for this post to explode, so here's out thoughts on John Beilein's second season at UM:

2009 Recap:

• If you would have told us at the beginning of the year we would have made the Round of 32, we would have said you'd had one too many quaaludes.

• Maybe we overstated it a bit with DeShawn Sims for Big Ten Player of the Year, but name a more improved player in the country than DeShizzle. To increase your shooting percentage 10 points in one year is completely ridiculous.

• Manny Fresh was Manny Fresh. To be among the Top 10 in Big Ten points, rebounds and assists is no small feat. If there's one adjustment that needs to be made in the offseason, it's Beilein pushing the ball when Manny gets it in the open court. He's a one-man fastbreak, people.

• The rebounding situation? Yikes. We know rebounding is the Achilles' heel of Beilein's offense, but there were times teams would get 4 or 5 offensive rebounds in one possession.

• The offense took huge strides forward this year (244th in offensive efficiency in 2008, 96th this year), but there were still some BRUTAL scoring droughts that reminded us of the Tommy Amaker Point a Minute teams. When we just start winging it around the perimeter for 30 seconds, DeShawn has to call for it on the block next year and take control.

2010 Preview:

• You know Michigan fans are going to start talking crazy shit like the Final Four in the offseason with basically everyone coming back. And we should be very, very good. But just a note of caution: The Big 10 is going to be an absolute bloodbath next year. Aside from Wisconsin, NO ONE loses any seniors. BJ Mullens going pro really hurts, but Evan Turner is a stud and David Lighty coming back off a broken foot will be a huge boost.

• Kelvin Grady: Please do some serious soul-searching in the offseason. We don't know what it is with these Grady brothers, but we seriously need someone to run the point next year with Merritt and C.J. Lee graduating. We don't even need Grady to score. If he can just push the break and take care of the ball, he might actually get on the court.

• It'll be really interesting to see how our recruiting class turns out, with Beilein pulling in some real studs (Matt Vogrich, Darius Morris, Jordan Morgan). Morgan will have to contribute minutes right away and it will be quite comical to see Stu, Novak and Vogrich on the court on the same time. Seriously, how many baby-faced white kids can we get?

Our 2010 prediction: Big Ten 4th place, Sweet Sixteen.

Not bad for Year 3, Johnny Cakes.

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK

2009-03-24T09:51:00.004-04:00

Please sit down before you read this line:

Courtney Sims is in the NBA

Well, kind of. He's on the Knicks.

That's right, Sims has replaced Cheikh Samb and signed a 10-day contract in The Big Apple.

It's actually a perfect situation for Sims: sit on the bench all practice next to Eddy Curry as he slams donuts, then come in and make Curry look fat and slow. A nutless monkey could do that job.

Boom: Another 10-day contract.

Editor's Note: Our basketball season recap will be up tomorrow. Everyone keep their pants on.

THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD

2009-03-23T10:16:00.004-04:00

It's official: The Ann Arbor News is dunzo.

You know, I've waited a long day to write this post with all the d-bags I've run into over there.

But damn that's a lot of lost jobs.

Combined with the News and Freep in full freak-out mode, it's pretty scary to think about how fucked the economy in Michigan is these days and journalism is in general.

Anyway, here's the link.

LOSTLETTERMEN.COM

2009-03-17T20:34:00.001-04:00

Wondering where we've been the last couple months?

www.lostlettermen.com

As we said, we never pass up a chance for self-promotion. Spread the word.

2009 SUPER SLEEPER: STEPHEN F. AUSTIN

2009-03-17T10:24:00.012-04:00

Update: Well that blew up in our face like a Dan Kendra science experiment, didn't it?

That Jonny Flynn's pretty good.

Go ahead, bring on the Haterade. We know: This blog is a shell of itself.

You didn't really think we were going to leave you hanging without our Super Sleeper this year did you?

We might have fallen off the blog game big time, but we will NEVER miss an opportunity for self-promotion. Like ever.

So far we're 2 for 2 with these kinds of things (Northwestern State in '06, San Diego in '08) so, yeah, there's some pressure on us this year.

It'd be easy for us to play it safe and go with the conventional pick of Portland State over Xavier (Game in Boise, Terrell Holloway is hurt, Xavier's on a slide, PSU already won at Gonzaga and played UW close, Jeremiah Dominguez is sweet) - but we've always blazed our own path here at The Realests.

Our goal is to pick the BIGGEST upset of the first round.

How do you think we became the 69th most influential sports blog?

So instead we're going with the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks over perennial choke-job Syracuse:

• Jim Boeheim is Mr. First Round Exit (see Richmond in 1991, Vermont in 2005)

• Remember in 2006 when everyone was clinging to Gerry McNamara's nuts after 'Cuse won 4 games in 4 days for the Big East Tourney title. Know how they fared in that tournament? Lost in the first round. McNamara? 2 points. Watch Jonny Flynn do the same.

• Syracuse is a horrible, HORRIBLE defensive team. They are really, really lazy on that famed 2-3 zone and rank 109 in defensive efficiency. Providence put up 100 points on this crew.

• A team that will read the headlines and think it's WAY better than they are. Paul Harris is a huge underachiever and Eric Devendorf is a wankster.

• SFA can light it up (112-111 3 OT win over North Dakota State).

• A great inside-outside combo of C Matt Kingsley and F Josh Alexander. If Alexander gets hot from 3, watch out since 'Cuse doesn't even bother to guard people out there.

OK, we're done here.

Editor's Note: To the comment below: Shit, do we have to do everything around here? Why don't we just give you the trophy...

MARCH MADNESS IS HERE

2009-03-10T20:34:00.004-04:00

Sign you've lost your damn mind in March Madness: Watching the Summit League Championship Game and sweating bullets because an Oakland victory will boost Michigan's resume (!!!).

Send help. Fast.

Update: IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!

DESHIZZLE MY NIZZLE

2009-03-07T17:39:00.009-05:00

What an amazing comeback by Big Blue today to stamp our ticket to the Big Dance. We'll follow this up with another post, but we just want to throw this out there:

DeShawn Sims: Big Ten Player of the Year

If people are smart enough to look past the best player on the conference champs (Kalin Lucas), the league's scoring leader (Manny) and the feel-good story (Talor Battle), it really comes down to him and Ohio State's Evan Turner.

Granted, big men always have much higher shooting percentages - but this says it all for us:

Turner: 51.1 FG%
Sims: 50.7 FG%*
Manny: 41.2 FG%
Battle: 40.5 FG%
Lucas: 39.3 FG%

* That comes after shooting a combined 38.0% his first two years.

Realests - out.

FOR ALL THE MARBLES

2009-03-07T11:14:00.003-05:00

Everyone already knows the implications of today's game vs. Minnesota.

But don't worry guys, I'm sure a loss here won't haunt you for the rest of your lives...

P.S. Is that Stu Douglass or Kevin Garnett??

STRAIGHT CA$H, HOMEY

2009-03-04T13:33:00.011-05:00

Or should it be, "Cash Rules Everything Around Me"?

Since The Sports Guy recently labeled Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren "The Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth" we asked ourselves, "Who the shit is this dude?"

Upon further review, we concur. Let us count the ways:

• HE'S MARRIED TO JESSICA ALBA. Just chew on that for a second longer.

• His name is Cash. Normally we'd say he's just some rich snot-nosed brat and that he should be ridiculed for his name, but not when...

• His dad is Mike Warren. Never heard of him? Oh, he was just an All-American PG at UCLA that won 2 national titles (1967, 1968) with a guy named Lew Alcindor. So yeah, he's probably got Kareem and John Wooden on speed dial at home.

• Born with those genes, Cash was good enough to play basketball at his preppy private school (Crossroads) in LA. That itself doesn't mean dick. But it just-so-happens that while he's there, none other than Baron Davis "transfers" to his high school. Of course, they become best friends and now Cash and Jess sit courtside for all Clippers games (OK, that is NOT awesome).

• Yale graduate. Yawn.

• Looking for a career in film, his actor-dad hooks him up as the director's assistant on "Fantastic Four" - skipping about 10 years in the film profession. Oh yeah, and that's where he met Alba.

• His latest project? Producing the new Baron Davis' documentary "Crips and Bloods: Made in America" - because, you know, as a half-black man, he's worried about the direction of today's African-American youth.

So yeah, life is good if you're Cash Warren. And shitty if you're this guy.

POOR LARRY COKER

2009-02-25T09:01:00.003-05:00

If you missed it, former Miami coach Larry Coker is among three finalists for the UT-San Antonio head coach job. Didn't know the Roadrunners even had a football team? That's because they don't; it will be starting in the 2011 season.

He's up against Northwest Missouri State head coach Mel Tjeerdsma and Tulsa co-defensive coordinator Paul Randolph for the position.

Wow. Is this really the best Coker can do despite coaching at The U and winning a national title (and let's be honest: it should have been two) less than a decade ago? We're not saying he deserves a better gig, but even The Zooker wound up on his feet at Illinois after getting run out of town in Gainesville.

MANNY ROTTEN

2009-02-23T08:16:00.007-05:00

After crying ourselves to sleep last night following Michigan's collapse on the road at Iowa, this is as calm as we're going to sit down and post.

So let's cut straight to the million-dollar question:

What the hell happened to Manny Harris?

In just a few short months he went from the favorite to win Big Ten Player of the Year to riding the pine in Iowa City during overtime.

It's as simple as this: Manny has always been an awful fit for Beilein's offense, which made it really easy for Big Ten opponents to figure out how to defend him.

It's pretty obvious at this point Corperryale is like a square peg in a round hole in this 5 Out Offense. Manny is a slasher who is tremendous driving to the rack, where he creates for himself or others, and DEADLY on the break. Take a look at Manny being fresh back in November:

It's a shame none of Manny's strengths (except being good at basketball) fit Beilein's offense, which is predicated on half-court offense, movement away from the ball, sharp passing and - above all - spot-up shooting (hence, Zack Novak is starting to look like J.J. Redick).

With all five players on the perimeter at the offensive end, teams now double Manny as soon as he starts to penetrate, forcing him to swing it around the arc and go scratch his head in the corner.

In the one good outing Manny has had in the last 5 games (vs. Northwestern), he was completely shut down in the first half (1 point), then exploded for 25 points by creating turnovers and getting out on the break. Unfortunately, this is the Big 10 and teams take care of the ball too well to count on that happening on a regular basis.

Now completely frustrated and pushing too hard to make things worse, Manny has turned into a complete headcase.

This leaves Beilein at a huge crossroad: Push the tempo of his offense and tweak the 5 Out to accamodate his best player by playing two bigs (who wouldn't want to see a starting lineup of DeShawn Sims and Zack Gibson right about now?), or keep shoving the system down Manny's throat and hope he develops a clue and a long-range jumper?

Count on the latter, since the former is basically sacrilege.

See you all at The Garden...

DEATH BLOW

2009-02-23T00:10:00.003-05:00

Up by four with 1:11 left and our NCAA Tournament lives on the line, then losing by 10?

Yeah, this is all we can think of too:

More to come tomorrow.

SOULJA BOY ENLIGHTENS US

2009-02-17T09:01:00.005-05:00

Amazing piece on Puffy Paint in XXL this week (yes, we bought it just because the Diplomats were on the cover).

Like every other punk with way too much money, Soulja Boy is not just content being a crap rapper, and instead already wants to expand the Soulja Boy Brand:

"I'm thinking movies, video games, clothing lines. I'm thinking of building an empire. There are still places where I can go in a room full of people in business suits who don't know who the fuck Soulja Boy is.

I want to be bigger than just music. I want Barack Obama's status. Everyone knows who Barack Obama is. If you don't know who Barack Obama is, you're stupid."

Riiiiiiight.

Hey wait a second - was that a clap at DMX?! This can only end badly.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-02-13T14:57:00.002-05:00

Need a hook? Call Jim Jones.

Streets is talking that his next single is "Baby Talk" and features the chorus "Gah-gah, goo-goo!"

NO, THIS IS DOGSHIT JOURNALISM

2009-02-11T10:00:00.006-05:00

Warning: Your head could explode watching this video of yesterday's "Around the Horn" featuring none other than Weezy F. Baby.

It's like we entered Dimension X as we watched Wayne ask what A-Rod would tell the kids about his steroid use while Michael Smith nodded in agreement and Reali furiously hit the "Ca-chink! Ca-chink!" button.

Still none of this compares to the very opening when Woody Paige dons a nasty wig, slurps a lollipop and proclaims, "I'm your Prom Queen, Wayne - with a lollipop."

Uh Woody, you realize that's sexual innuendo and you just said you want Wayne's wang in your mouth, right?

This is a new low - even for a man that has eaten dog food on air.

Huge HT: Grant S.

THIS IS DOGSHIT JOURNALISM

2009-02-10T09:00:00.001-05:00

We've read a lot of asinine comments from sports journalists in the last couple days about "A-Fraud" - but this is one of the most poorly thought-out columns I've ever read in my life.

From Bill Madden of the New York Daily News:

"Cut him loose - no matter the cost.

As difficult as it is to imagine eating $270 million, the Bombers will be making a statement, not just for the Yankee brand but for baseball as a whole.

They will be applauded for it."

So let's get this straight: Swallow A-Rod's $270 contract and cut one of the top 5 players in baseball in exchange for what? The approval of sports columnists everywhere?

This is all we have to say to that:

(Editor's Note: Despite what some people say, if I can type in "The Beach asshole suggestion" on Google and immediately get this 7 second clip, we're doing alright as a country.)

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2009-02-09T13:37:00.003-05:00

It's been way too long since our last Weezy quote. From 3 Peat on "Tha Carter III."

"Crazy on these n*****, I don't give a motherfuck.
Run up in a n*****' house and shoot his grandmother up.
What. I don't give a motherfuck.
Get your baby kidnapped and your baby motherfucked."

First off: OK, we estabished you don't give fuck.

Second: It's not really rhyming if you just use the same word over and over.

And third: Woah Weezy, that's some Suge Knight shit right there!

I mean, hey, we're all about actin' a fool - but shooting people's grandmothers? Kidnapping babies and fucking them? This could (we stress could) be crossing the line to senseless violence. Just a thought.

And to think it was thisclose to being your Album of the Year, people. Wayne got jobbed.

GREG "BUKKAKE" PAULUS

2009-02-08T14:47:00.004-05:00

Things haven't gone exactly to plan at Duke for Greg Paulus. The former uber-recruit in football AND basketball has become Duke's latest Public Enemy No. 1, been benched as a senior and turned into a prop for monster dunks.

While nothing will compare with having another man's nuts on your chin (there's also this and this), Miami's Dwayne Collins really took it to a new level by straddling Paulus, then knocking his ass down again on the finish. Poor guy:

BREAKING DOWN SIGNING DAY

2009-02-04T23:21:00.013-05:00

Our thoughts on Dick Rod's second recruiting class, and other musings:

• Tate, please take this site down. You look like a douche.

• Obviously the first thing that jumps out about our 2009 recruiting class is that only 4 recruits are from the state of Michigan. Meanwhile, Mark Dantonio (12 Michigan recruits) also put together a solid recruiting class by scooping up the players Dick Rod ignored. This is EXACTLY what we brought Rodriguez in to do: Stripmine the South for talent in order to compete for national titles, which we (or anyone in the Big Ten) haven't been able to do in recent years due to a lack of speed.

But there's no doubt this is a huge roll of the dice. If MSU keeps beating us, Rodriguez will undoubtedly be portrayed as a guy that forgot what made Michigan football great and doesn't understand the pride with which in-state recruits play for UM (Exhibit A: Bill Callahan). Again, what you and I think is a necessary step for the program could ultimately be part of Dick Rod's demise. He's got two years and the clock is ticking.

• We can't emphasize the last-minute signing of QB Denard Robinson. Hey, we're all aboard the Tate Forcier bandwagon, but counting on one guy to be your program's savior is a death wish. Look at Ohio State. In 2004, Justin Zwick was supposed to be Tressel's big first stamp on the program, while no one had ever heard of redshirt frosh Troy Smith. Well, you know the rest.

• Everyone needs to take a deep breath of DeQuinta Jones' defection to Arkansas. We got three absolute studs on the defensive line (William Campbell, Anthony LaLota and Craig Roh) and Campbell is the equivalent of two people (320 pounds in high school? Absolutely absurd). If Dick Rod fails at Michigan, it won't be due to lack of a front four.

• One area I haven't heard people talk much about is running back. I'm concerned, to say the least, that we went for another batch of Smurfs (Teric Jones is 5-8, Vincent Smith is 5-6, and Fitz Toussaint is 5-10) especially in the wake of the Sam McGuffie debacle. Yes, Mike Hart was also a little guy. But with Dick Rod, I was expecting at least one uber-recruit at RB.

• As a native of Columbus, you have no idea how happy it makes me to see Ohio's finest like safety Justin Turner defect from the Suckeye state. Here's hoping this kid is the next Charles Woodson.

• With the late addition of Je'Ron Stokes, there are absolutely no excuses for our wideouts to suck this year. If we can actually stay healthy and catch the damn ball (we're looking at you here, Martavious), this could be the most improved position on the team.

• We have no idea if DB Adrian Witty can play ball, but we like this guy already.

• Zach Boren has now officially just his brother Benedict at tOSU. Good, now we can step on both their faces in November.

• The way Ohio State is able to reload talent is sick and twisted. Beanie Wells bolts for the NFL? No problem! They bring in burner Jaamal Berry, who will be a perfect fit for the spread offense under Terrelle Pryor. I don't picture Stevie Brown taking either down anytime soon.

• Look no further than Champaign, Illinois to see the effects of the recession, where Ron Zook 's recruiting budget ran out of money for his traditional coke and stripper orgies. The Zooker still landed a respectable class (32nd), but it will be interesting to see how he does from here on out without D.C. recruiting wiz Mike Lockley - now the New Mexico head coach. After hauling in players like Arrelious Benn and Vontae Davis, Zook got just one 2-star from the D.C. area.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2009-02-04T18:49:00.008-05:00

X done did it again!

First there's the whole "Devil lives in Arizona" thing that he's been mocked mercilessly for. But our favorite? Go straight from 11:35 to 12:15 on the video. D will take it from there:

If you don't have the patience, here's the transcript. Keep in mind that less than a year ago X had no idea who Barack Obama was:

Old Man River: "How do feel that Obama... probably wouldn't like the message in your music."

X: "What's the message in my music that he wouldn't like?"

OMR: "Probably some of the stuff about killing, guns, drugs."

X: "Hmmmm. Well I don't talk much about... killing... other... people."

(Editor's Note: Hey X, what about "I got blood on my dick 'cause I fucked a corpse"???)

OMR: "Let me read you one."

X: "Alright, alright, so maybe I do. Hahahhaha! OK maybe I do. You got me there!"

HT: Eastern Hemisphere

THE GOLDEN YEARS

2009-02-04T15:19:00.009-05:00

With the Michigan basketball team back to sucking ass, we've gotten a little nostalgic over here at The Realests thinking about the Brian Ellerbe and Tommy Amaker eras.

Needless to say, a single tear dropped down our faces when several readers sent us a link announcing that Courtney Sims, "Big Game" Chris Hunter and "Air Georgia" - Brent Petway - were all selected to the NBDL All-Star Game in Phoenix.

On a more serious note, how does David Stern not take one look at that roster and pull the plug on the whole damn operation? Quin Snyder is an All-Star head coach for shit's sake!

Which got us thinking: What happened to some of the Michigan's greatest (and by greatest, we mean abysmal) stars from yesteryear. You might be surprised:

LaVell Blanchard: Cyprus
On second thought, maybe he should have gone to Duke...

Dion Harris: Cyprus
You done put two of America's most wanted in the same mothafuckin place at the same mothafuckin time??? Break out the champagne glasses and the mothafuckin' condoms!!!

Daniel Horton: France
It really chaps our ass that Chris Quinn is in the NBA and Horton is not. Give this man a chance to ball!

Josh "Ass Face" Asselin: Spain
Ugh. The Brian Ellerbe era. And those hideous 'M' uniforms. Make it stop.

Robert "Tractor" Traylor: Turkey
Seriously, hang it up already, man.

Chris Young: Belgium
The lone bright spot during some very, very dark years. Again, you can't tell us this guy isn't better than some of the doofuses in the NBA. You don't think he could school Mark Madsen 1-on-1? Please...

Josh Moore: Cyberspace
No joke: His blog Eastern Hemisphere is actually quite funny.

If you happen to know the whereabouts of the Dominic Ingersons and Gavin Groningers of the world, please feel free to update this list below.

HOLD TIGHT

2009-02-04T08:59:00.003-05:00

We've got to give our loyal readers credit for sticking with us even after we've quit on ourselves. But we've had more comebacks than Ricky Henderson and tomorrow will be no different. We'll be back tomorrow with a full breakdown of Michigan's recruiting class. In the meantime, pray for the undecideds.

MICHIGAN SPORTS STATE OF THE UNION

2009-01-26T21:33:00.008-05:00

(Update: Tajh Boyd to Clemson. Victory!!!!!!!)

We've gotten away from our bread and better the last couple weeks, so we're going to hook you up with a quick breakdown of everything going on in Michigan sports.

Drumroll, please:

• It was almost a year ago to the day we "heard" about the Kitten Killer at Syracuse. Well, let's just say it's a very cruel twist of fate that Greg Robinson is now Michigan's defensive coordinator. MGoBlog has a complete breakdown of the hire, including Robinson's alarming defensive stats over the past couple years. Does he have great credentials as a DC? Certainly. But when you combine two guys that both went 3-9 last year, let's just say this isn't the offseason spark we were looking for.

• What is going on with Corperryale Harris? Over the past 4 games, he's shot a paltry 34% from the field (16-47). Beilein says everyone's overreacting: "I see these matchups on TV and who’s leading the Big Ten (in scoring), that is not a stat that should be (relevant.) It should be are we winning games? So, not at all." Note to coach Beilein: We HAVEN'T been winning games! Anywho, right now we're among Joe Lunardi's Last 4 In and it appears we'll be sweating out a bid all the way up until Selection Sunday. And yes, it makes us sick too to cheer for Duke.

• Poor Steve Kampfer. The dude gets body slammed by Mike Milano in the fall, then almost gets his neck broken in a hockey game this past weekend. And why is Kampfer's dad the one apologizing for confronting MSU's Corey Tropp in the locker room?

• Tajh Boyd is about to commit to either Ohio State, Clemson or Oregon today. As previously stated, I'm going to hurl if he ends up at Ohio State. That would be BACK-TO-BACK MVPs OF THE U.S. ARMY BOWL, both at quarterback! While it seems crazy to follow Pryor, it actually makes perfect sense. Boyd will redshirt this year, Pryor will likely be gone by his junior year, and then Boyd gets three years as a starter. Hey, maybe we'll be able to beat the Bucks by 2014!

• Props to Daily sports writer Dan Feldman. I've never met the guy, but to have your blog picked up by ESPN within a year is pretty outstanding.

• It's way too early for a Super Sleeper in this year's NCAA Tournament, but we'll throw you a bone, people. We're really impressed by the Buffalo Bulls. That's right, Buffalo. They've already downed Temple, played Connecticut close (L, 68-64) and won 9 out of their last 11.

WEEZY F. ARCHIVE

2009-01-22T23:10:00.006-05:00

We really seem to have a struck a chord with the Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day, with hits up and users even submitting their own favorite mind-numbing lines.

As such, we've decided to start an archive that will sit atop the Classic Jams sidebar on the right for all eternity.

Enjoy and please feel free to keep the submissions coming on this page or by sending us an e-mail.

Cheers.

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #16: "Crazy on these n*****, I don't give a motherfuck. Run up in a n*****' house and shoot his grandmother up. What. I don't give a motherfuck. Get your baby kidnapped and your baby motherfucked."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #15: " 'Geant ou petite', we do it the biggest, and new nae rats mean we ain't snitches. Now can ya tell me how good my French is: 'voulez-vous coucher avec moi bitches?' "

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #14: "Young, rich bastard. Nine in my jacket, just waiting to blast it. And I was born in a casket. In other words, I was born to die, fagot."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #13: "I ain't got a nose for you boogers, I'm sugar."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #12: "The only time I wear Depends is when I'm 70 years old. That's when I can't hold my shit within, so I shit on myself. Cause I'm so sick and tired of shitting on everybody else."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #11: "I swear the other day I pissed Cristal."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #10: "We are not the same, I am an alien. Like Gonzalez, young college student. Who done just flipped the game, like Houston."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #9: "When you're great it's not murder it's assassinate. So assassinate me, bitch. Cause I'm doing the same shit Martin Luther King did. Checkin' in the same hotel in the same suite bitch same balcony. Like assassinate me bitch."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #8: "Abracadabra, I'm up like Viagra. I just do this shit for my click like Adam Sandler."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #7: "I flushed out the feeling of me being the shit. Cuz I was leaving skid marks on everywhere I sit."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #6: "Uh, Mr. Al Sharpton, here's why I don't respect you and nobody like you.

Mmm hmm, see you're the type that gets off on gettin' on other people. That's not good - no homo.

And rather unhuman I should say. I mean, given the fact that humanity - well, good humanity, rather - to me, is helpin' one another, no matter your color or race.

But this guy - and people like him - they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's a word..."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #5: "Dropping ashes in the bible, I shake 'em out and they fall on the rifle. Scary, Hail Mary, no tale fairy. All real very, extraordinary."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #4: "Swagger tighter than a yeast infection. Fly go hard like geese erection."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #3: "I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #2: "I feel big! Not, not "big" in the sense of weight, you know like gaining weight or - nothing like that. But like COLOSSAL, you know what I mean? Like... (Sigh)"

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #1: "My picture should be in the dictionary, next to the definition, of definition."

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2009-01-22T11:30:00.003-05:00

From the "It's Me Bitches" remix with Jadakiss and R. Kelly:

" 'Geant ou petite', we do it the biggest, and new nae rats mean we ain't snitches.

Now can ya tell me how good my French is: 'voulez-vous coucher avec moi bitches?' "

Quick refresher: The last line is translated: "Will you sleep with me tonight..... bitches." Hey, we understand that you're going to occasionally lift lines when you pump out 3,000 songs a day. But jacking material from Lady Marmalade? Oy.

We realize French is important in New Orleans. But as one astute fan already noted: Hey Wayne, shouldn't you learn English first?

(Editor's Note: To whoever posted below: Yes, the last line was a little harsh. But we kid because we love. I mean what's realer than selling a million records of gibberish in a week???)

OBAMA EXPRESS, BITCHES!!!

2009-01-18T10:37:00.007-05:00

Update: It's been two days and I'm still in shock.

After getting up at 6 AM and standing in the freezing cold for nearly 3 hours, I never even got a whiff of the National Mall due to a massive breakdown in the security lines.

Needless to say, I'm a little skeptical my government can solve two wars and a financial crisis when it's too incompetent to A) send me my absentee ballot and B) allow me to watch my president take office after enduring a 5-hour bus ride from New York.

I see nothing short of a personal letter of apology from the government in our inbox that will restore my faith in this country.

Otherwise, let us never speak of this again.

That's right. Due to a last minute Flip McTastic, The Realests are currently sitting on a bus headed to DC for the HISTORIC inauguration of Barack Obama (If you thought hearing that Jerome Bettis was from Detroit got old, brace yourselves).

We're rumored to be attending a concert tonight that involves DMX. Something we find hard to believe since A) the Crack Man is in jail and B) he still may not know who Barack Obama is. But never put anything by X...

We'll have more from the trail to come.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2009-01-15T10:00:00.003-05:00

From "Damn", also off "The Best of Lil Wayne" mixtape:

"Young, rich bastard. Nine in my jacket, just waiting to blast it.
And I was born in a casket. In other words, I was born to die, fagot."

A couple questions here:

• When you say you were born in a casket - does that mean you were actually conceived out of a corpse or your mom just-so-happened to be lying in a casket when you were delivered?

• So because you were born in a casket, you were born to die? As opposed to the rest of us that are born to... what exactly?

• Are you implying that by being born there you've already experienced death in a way? It's all very poetic, but we're not buying it.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2009-01-14T14:43:00.002-05:00

From "Down" on the mixtape "Best of Lil Wayne":

"I ain't got a nose for you boogers, I'm sugar."

You see what he did there?

He took an insult, flipped it into a drug reference, and then handed his shit to you in a doggy bag. Genius!

FAKEST OF THE YEAR

2009-01-13T09:00:00.001-05:00

What's the saying: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice... well you can't fool me again.

???

Of course "The Truth" wasn't even supposed to play last night because of that chronic knee injury - then drops 39 on the Raptors.

Stop that Ahki!

"THE COURAGE OF DETROIT" REAX

2009-01-12T09:45:00.001-05:00

Just got through with the much-hyped Mitch Albom story in SI in which he waxes poetic about everything from The Big Three to the Detroit Lions. And we gotta admit: There are parts he absolutely NAILS it. The ending, for example: Phenomenal.

No one ever said the man can't write.

It did drag a little long and the rhetorical questions got a little old, but it's definitely worth a read for any UM alum.

But there's just one graph we can't get over as he sets up this Shakespearean tragedy for us:

"The Tigers were supposed to win big last season; they finished last in their division. Michigan got a new football coach with a spread offense and an eye on a national championship; the Wolverines had their first losing season since 1967."

An eye on a national championship? Who you trying to get crazy with Ese?

Mitch, baby, this is where you always get in trouble. You're writing the lights out on another gem when a fact doesn't quite fit into your story (i.e. not even the craziest of Michigan fans thought we were going to win the Big 10, much less the nati), so you embellish and just jam it in there anyway like a square peg into a round hole.

A real shame. One detail tarnishes a whole story. Typical Albom.

LET THE DEBATE BEGIN...

2009-01-09T11:29:00.006-05:00

Yeah, Tim Tebow now has a Heisman and two nati's.

But who will make the better pro?

VS.

The floor is open...

BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK

2009-01-08T14:13:00.006-05:00

We take a week off posting and already the blogosphere is going into hysterics. Well relax because the Teflon Dons are back with notes on Big Blue sports.

FOOTBALL

• We aren't panicking yet since the season isn't even over, but we might want to jump on this defensive coordinator thing. Unless Rich Rod can pull a rabbit out of his ass like Tommy Tuberville, we still think Jeff Casteel is far and away the best option - even after Hakeem Nicks ran circles around the 3-3-5 in the Car Care Bowl. Lock it up, R.R.!

• Did anyone else get a chance to see the Army All-American Bowl? We have just one thing to say: Tajh Boyd = Real Deal Holyfield. The game's co-MVP is a Pat White clone, with a stronger arm. The fact he's not even considering Michigan after Beaver left us high and dry makes us sick. If Ohio State lands him one year after snatching away Terrelle Pryor, I will definitely throw up all over myself and wipe it on my shirt - again.

• It seems all but official that The Matrix will be heading home to Houston to play for Rice instead of attending Texas A&M. Bravo, Sam. While we joke no one plays defense in the Big 12, McGuffie would've been reduced to a Rag Doll again in College Station. This just in: They don't hit as hard at Rice. And with a wide-open offense that will get him the ball in space, expect big things from this kid in 2010.

• Our thoughts on William Campbell: Holy moley. Yeah even we're salivating a little bit thinking about Big Willy Style and Brandon Graham lined up next to each other next year. If Campbell had ended up bouncing like Beaver, Rich Rod would have had a complete mental breakdown and coached next season with tapioca all over his face. Thanks Will.

BASKETBALL

• We don't care that this is an Indiana team that lost to Lipscomb and Northeastern: John Beilein is the smartest man alive. And the fact we hadn't beaten the Hoosiers in Bloomington since 1995 is particularly disgusting because they haven't even been good for the past decade! Good riddance to that streak.

• Is there any argument that Manny Harris is the Big Ten's MVP? We are literally one twisted ankle away from a 7th place finish in the conference. When Manny isn't Manny - as has been the case the last couple games - the team is just DeShawn Sims and a bunch of white pipsqueaks.

• As soon as the ball bounces off the rim, we might as well sprint back to the other end because we damn sure aren't grabbing a rebound this year. Granted, a lot of it is Beilein's system where no one is under the hoop. But can we please punch someone in the face to make them think twice about wiping the glass? We better not have too many more off-nights from downtown. Think about it: It's pretty alarming a Beilein team can hit 18 of 27 treys and STILL lose (like West Virginia did in the 2005 Elite Eight to Louisville). Yorp.

• How about that crazy Tommy Amaker?! We thought you could stick a fork in T.A. after the recruiting scandal a couple months back, but you watch: A BCS program will hire him next year based solely on this victory. Seton Hall, perhaps? USF is another possibility. We've been brutal to Tommy over the years here, but give the man credit for taking a miserable Ivy League job to stick with coaching. But please everyone - let's chalk this up to Boston College sleepwalking through the game instead of Amaker's "mastermind gameplan."

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

2009-01-02T12:30:00.001-05:00

One of Jigga's greatest bangers of all-time. Which doofus let this slip onto the Nutty Professor 2 soundtrack instead of giving it proper respect with a spot on an album?

We're looking at you, Dame Dash. You d-bag...

2008 REALEST OF THE YEAR: STARBURY

2009-01-01T12:00:00.008-05:00

There were a lot of horrible people in 2008 that deserved this award, but it's really been a one-man race for the last 3 months.

Without further adieu, we here at The Realests would like to congratulate Stephon Marbury on being named this year's R.O.Y.

The man's been a cancer everywhere he's gone (Minnesota, New Jersey, Phoenix), but his current stop in New York has transformed him into "The Dark Angel of Death" - to quote Tony Kornheiser.

Seriosly, we challenge anyone to think of a bigger team cancer than Steph right now. T.O. as an Eagle was comparable, but the gigantic difference here is that Marbury's still gettin' paid!

Only in America can the following take place:

- Employer asks you to work
- You tell them to "Fuck off"
- You still get $22 million to sit on your ass!

And let's not forget Steph's completely incoherent rant just a couple weeks back and that absurd head tattoo he got over the summer (Editor's Note: We highly recommend anyone pondering a shot at 2009 R.O.Y. to get a face or head tattoo).

And when Steph says he has the greatest job in the world, he's not exaggerating. He actually does. While the Knicks are going through another brutal season, Starbury is hitting up Peanuts in L.A. and bubblin' in Dublin (big props to the first person that can identify that quote) - when he's not taking in Knicks games courtside.

And be sure to check out his recent blog post on the New York Post's site where Stephon goes philosophical on us.

Welcome Steph, to the most exclusive of fraternities:

2007 R.O.Y.: Akon
2006 R.O.Y.: The Realests
2005 R.O.Y.: Arizona Bum

And finally: In any normal year, these would all have been deserving of R.O.Y. honors. We salute you too, gentlemen.

Honorable Mention:
- Rod Blagojevich
- Kevin Garnett
- Bill O'Reilly
- Weezy F. Baby
- Pesky The Excitable Boy

REALESTS' TOP MICHIGAN DC CANDIDATES

2008-12-24T06:08:00.015-05:00

With names like Tommy Tuberville, Romeo Crennel and Mike Trgovac swirling around the Ann Arbor Rumor Mill, we decided to dig up a couple other under-the-radar candidates we'd like to see return Big Blue to glory:

7. Greg Robinson (former Syracuse coach)

Why he will be our next DC: 2-time Super Bowl champion and always upbeat, which would be a nice change of pace from players being called "c****" all day. He's also a Notre Dame killer.

Why he won't: Possibility of Michigan alum turning into a Kitty Killer copycat.

6. John Cooper (former Ohio State coach)

Why he will be our next DC: His 10-2-1 record vs. Ohio State speaks for itself. Brilliant gameday coach (and by brilliant, we mean wretched).

Why he won't: Hasn't successfully stringed a sentence together since 1992.

5. Gary Moeller (former Michigan coach)

Why he will be our next DC: How long has it been since his outburst at Excalibur? 13 years?! Let's let bygones be bygones!

Why he won't: He'd be at The Vu by sundown.

4. Chris Spielman (ESPN analyst)

Why he will be our next DC: Just to piss off Ohio State and combine him and Barwis in one locker room.

Why he won't: Would never pull a Benedict Arnold like Moeller. Plus, the man used to picture people raping his wife to get pumped up for plays. He belongs in a cage.

3. Lloyd Carr (former Michigan coach)

Why he will be our next DC: It turns out sitting around reading "War and Peace" all day sucks ass, and he's itching to sit in front of a mic one more time and scowl, "This is his best game since COMING TO MICHIGAN."

Why he won't: There's a better chance the terradactyl comes back before Lloyd.

2. Glen Mason (former Minnesota coach)

Why he will be our next DC: All jokes aside, he did a pretty decent job for the Gophers. And he's well tapped into Ohio's recruiting pipeline.

Why he won't: Doofus. And he's not impressed with any of the fake bake operations in Ann Arbor.

1. Rod Marinelli (Lions head coach)

Why he will be our next DC: If any former NFL coach automatically is a good college coach, then how bad could he mess up being DC? He could turn Brandon Graham into the next Simeon Rice.

Why he won't: Could be the worst coach in NFL history. Are he and Joe Barry considered a packaged deal now? Hey, would you want another year of Rob Parker sitting in on your pressers?

BRAYLON'S DOUCHERY KNOWS NO BOUNDARY

2008-12-22T16:20:00.011-05:00

From Peter King's latest column (Note: How did we miss this?! Where were you guys on that one, dipshits?!):

"I've given my all to this city for four years, and I realize it will never be enough. I went to the Pro Bowl last year and resurrected this team from the darkness, and nobody cared... I've been doing all this community service in Cleveland. My charity efforts will only be in Detroit from now on.''

Don't take it out on da kids, Bray! Not the kids!!!!!!

So because the Dawg Pound heckles the shit out of Braylon, Lil Ray Ray still has to walk barefoot to school every day in the snow? Yeah, that makes sense.

We're sure Team Braylon is in the war room right now working on damage control and will bust out a monster check to a Cleveland Children's Fund. Whatever Bray...

ROB PARKER GETS LOW

2008-12-21T20:08:00.007-05:00

Rob Parker is starting to make Drew Sharp look like Bob Woodward.

Just in case you missed the Lions' postgame presser, here is a direct question from the Detroit News columnist to coach Rod Marinelli about his son-in-law, Joe Barry:

"Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?"

You sir, are an asshole. We have 0 sympathy for Marinelli (to his credit, so does he), but openly mocking someone in a press conference after they just got their brains beat in again is low even for us bloggers.

Expect some major backlash on this one 24 hours from now considering Parker's recent controversy and the hatred for him on the blogosphere - "The Big Lead" calls him the Worst Columnist in America.

And expect TONS of e-mails saying, "Why don't you bring back my delivery and instead cut costs by firing this hack." Should be fun.

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS

2008-12-21T12:51:00.002-05:00

Brace yourselves folks: Season 5 of LOST premieres exactly one month from today. As always, this is the place for any and all things Lost. Now take a deep breath:

Doesn't that just give you goose bumps? (No homo)

RON ENGLISH TO EMU......... WOW

2008-12-21T07:03:00.004-05:00

What's with former Michigan coordinator flame-outs getting jobs left and right? First Stan Parrish landed at Ball State, now Ron English is the head coach at Eastern.

Hey, how about Scott Shafer to the Lions - why not?!

In all seriousness - putting the 2007 debacle behind us - congrats to English. There's no tougher job than being a D1 assistant and there can be no feeling like walking into your new stadium for the first time and thinking to yourself, "I own this bitch."

Here's hoping he gets that morbid program turned around but still enjoys a good Big Blue beatdown every couple years.

BEAVER!

2008-12-20T03:05:00.003-05:00

We know what you're thinking: Beaver backed out, must see what The Realests have to say.

Well you're in luck.

According to a source very close to the situation, Lloyd Carr stormed into Bill Martin's office today after watching game tape of Shavodrick and screamed, "NO BLACK QUARTERBACK WILL EVER BE A MICHIGAN MAN!!!!!!!!!!" after which Martin immediately pulled his scholarship.

We can't verify that it's true. But we're 99.99% sure it is.

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

2008-12-19T16:18:00.001-05:00

Murphy Lee: Easily one of the best 22,000 rappers of our time. Enjoy:

NOTE TO BILL MARTIN

2008-12-17T10:14:00.003-05:00

Time to open the check book!

Screw the athletic budget surplus and the economy.

With Scott Shafter's resignation, there's only one sure thing for the open Michigan D coordinator position, and that's the man we let get away last season - Jeff Casteel.

What can we say: we love these crazy gimmick defenses!

Former Auburn DC Paul Rhoads is a decent fall-back plan IF he doesn't flee to Iowa State, but is our next-best option really Notre Dame's Corwin Brown? The same guy that let Sam McGuffie run laps around his swiss cheese defense? We'll pass.

Casteel might turn us down again but we know one thing: After one season under Bill Stewart, we'd either be headed for greener pastures or a straight jacket. It's time to back the dump truck up to his Morgantown home and see just how loyal he is to WVU. We're already knee-deep in shit and while some alumni will go crazy throwing more money at the football program right now, this is our chance to get it right.

'Nuff said.

BRAYLON EDWARDS ACTS A FOOL - AGAIN

2008-12-16T16:00:00.005-05:00

Bray, we tried to warn you last night. Every time you open your mouth, bad shit happens.

Cleveland fans are irate in response to Edwards' post-MNF interview. Here are some choice cuts:

"Since day one I've been a marked man coming from Michigan."

Bray, are you really playing that card? Cleveland might be Ohio State Country but that's really weak. The fact is Cleveland is full of Neanderthals that chuck beers on the field, heckle opponents over their dead mothers and break their QBs down to tears. Toughen up.

"I've learned being here I'm very under appreciated, not by the organization..not the organization, but in the eyes of the fans and the city."

Your team is 4-10 and hasn't scored a TD in four games and you're among the league leader in drops. What exactly is the correct level of appreciation for that output again? Hey, weren't you just comparing yourself to LeBron?

"It's not even frustrating anymore...I mean it's been that way, we haven't scored a touchdown in four games..which is pretty embarrassing..so for me it's not even frustrating anymore."

Oh boy, the old "I'm only looking out for No. 1" routine. That will surely win over Browns fans!

"Right now I'm having fun - I mean we didn't win the game but I was out there and when I lined up I was having fun."

You have fun getting the shit kicked out of you? Herm Edwards would like to see you for a second:

BREAKING NEWS: NON-PARRISH-ABLE!!!!!

2008-12-15T23:28:00.007-05:00

That's right, folks. You heard it here first: Stan Parrish, the former Michigan offensive coordinator run out of town after the 2002 Citrus Bowl Massacre, will be the new head coach of Ball State.

Granted, it's the MAC. But the fact this man has a head coaching gig on the terms he left Michigan - and considering he was a ridonkulous 2-30-1 during his last head coaching job at Kansas State - simply boggles the mind.

And not only is Parrish back in the saddle again - fans were even fighting over this guy!

It would be easy to poke fun at Parrish's last season at Michigan one more time (although right now the triad of Navarre, Askew and Walker looks like Montana, Craig and Rice), but you have to give the guy props for completely reinventing himself and becoming an "offensive guru."

With Nate Davis and MiQuale Lewis back next year, the Birds will be a serious threat to repeat the MAC and - dare we say it - challenge for a BCS bowl!!! (No, we don't dare.)

On to the Toilet Bowl!

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SAY THIS

2008-12-15T18:56:00.004-05:00

Michelle Tafoya just came on for a MNF preview with this: "Braylon Edwards said he is starting to get settled in this season."

Bray: Please tell me you didn't use those words before your team's Week 15 game. Please tell me this is just the media hating on you again.

Otherwise, this could be worse than talking about your "war cologne."

"I SEEN HOOP DREAMS DEFLATE..."

2008-12-15T17:02:00.004-05:00

The first person to finish this sentence correctly gets a free bottle of Armadale...

Update: One bottle of Armi heading to:

Conseco Fieldhouse
125 S. Pennsylvania St.
Indianapolis, IN 46204

SDSU? IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

2008-12-14T23:17:00.007-05:00

A real head-scratcher from former Michigan assistant Brady Hoke, who has reportedly taken the job at San Diego State University (no word on whether Stan "The Man" Parrish will be joining him, but we assume that's the case).

Is this really the best a 12-1 season at Ball State will get you???

Obviously if the Aztecs AD lost his mind SMU-style and threw truck loads of money at Hoke, then stop reading this post now.

But we don't see that happening at a school that hasn't had a winning record in an entire decade. Or maybe Marshall Faulk is coming back for a second tour of duty.

How this looks - as of now - is that Hoke got stuck standing up during a game of musical chairs. Said to be in the running for the Auburn job, this seems like a complete knee-jerk reaction to ditch his alma mater for the slightest step up the coaching ladder.

Yeah, a lot of jobs just got taken (K-State, Syracuse, Auburn, Clemson and Mississippi State).

But why in the world take the job now when there are openings at BCS schools like Washington and Iowa State (Update: How could we forget Steve Sarkisian like that?!)?

If nothing else, why not stick around for one more year, ride Nate Davis' coat tails to another MAC crown and wait for possible openings at schools like Louisville, Notre Dame, Indiana, Colorado and The U.?

Are we missing something here???

Mark our words: He'll regret this decision next year when he's stuck inside the armpit known as Qualcomm Stadium while Buffalo's Turner Gill is naming his price.

SHITBALLS

2008-12-11T23:36:00.003-05:00

Thanks to the tip below, we checked out Busta Rhymes' "Arab Money."

And we wonder why people hate us? This is currently being shown in terrorist training camps across Pakistan - right between the climbing wall and the monkey bars.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2008-12-11T20:47:00.004-05:00

Not Tim Tebow - Bob Tebow.

If you are not watching the College Football Awards on ESPN, you are missing out on some of the greatest unintentional comedy in televised history.

After Hannah Storm's eloquent feature on Tim Tebow circumsizing kids in Southeast Asia, his dad, Bob, dropped this bombshell when asked by Lee Corso what made him most proud as a father.

"I'm the most proud of how he treats people. I remember after his freshman year - the LSU game - when he had that first jump pass and you guys were talking about him on national television.

Later that night, we went to dinner and a little boy kind of hovering behind him and didn't know what to say. Timmy sensed him and turned around and talked to him for awhile and found something for him to sign and gave it to him.

And I turned to him and said, 'Son, that was the best play of the day.' "

Wait... is this guy for real???

NEW HOTNESS

2008-12-10T11:32:00.002-05:00

How does Jim Jones do it? Every time he comes out with a new song my first reaction is "Complete garbage."

The second time I listen to it? "Instant classic!"

He's like George "Co-stan-za!" in that way:

Needless to say, we've been pouring bottles of Andre all over our heads for the past week-and-a-half.

END OF THE AMAKER COACHING TREE?

2008-12-09T11:25:00.004-05:00

The Tommy Amaker Coaching Tree is in serious jeopardy of getting chopped down after its lone branch, Eastern Michigan coach Charles Ramsey, was suspended yesterday for three days after an altercation with a student.

EMU says it was "nothing serious" but the suspension says otherwise.

We aren't tied into the Ypsilanti Rumor Mill and have no idea what Ramsey did, but it sure sounds like Ramsey flipped a heckler the bird or something of that nature.

That's not good when your coaching record is 36-63 - even at Eastern.

But hey, we hear Boston is lovely this time of year...

Editor's Note: Simply put: We almost lost to a Savannah State team that just got clubbed by Georgetown, 100-38. But who needs polls when we've got our dancin' shoes on?!?!

I'M SAD YOU'RE DEAD

2008-12-07T14:40:00.004-05:00

Dear Wallace,

I'm sorry that you're dead.

I'm sorry that you're best friends in the world killed you over some bullshit. I'm sorry that D'Angelo didn't have the foresight to realize the terrible things that were going to happen to you. I'm sorry that the Baltimore Police Department refused to put you up in a proper witness protection program and instead, sent you down to the shore, unsupervised, to be with family members that hadn't seen you in 7 years. I'm sorry that the sound of crickets, of peace and quiet, drove you crazy and back to the Pit and West Baltimore. I'm sorry that West Baltimore is all you knew and felt comfortable knowing. I'm sorry that you never got a chance to go back to Edmonson and enroll yourself in the 9th grade.

I'm sorry that Bodie and Poot put the game over their friendship with you. I'm sorry that Bodie didn't realize soon enough that the soldiers in the game are just pawns and that you don't move up to a position of power - you just get used. I'm sorry that I ever liked Stringer Bell. I'm sorry that I never noticed how absolutely evil and manipulative he was when he called Bodie over to his car and asked him if he was ready to put in work. I'm sorry that the police found your body because someone had to leave an anonymous tip saying that an animal had died in a vacant. I'm sorry your mom didn't care about you enough to want to know where you were. I'm sorry I ever celebrated Bodie as a hero of the show and sorry that I felt bad for Poot when we found out he was working a 9 to 5 at Foot Locker. I'm sorry that when people talk about the kids in The Wire, they talk about Namond, Dukie, Michael and Randy and forget about you. I'm sorry that "Stop Snitching" was ever invented.

I'm sorry that you're dead.

BROKEN ENGLISH

2008-12-05T15:02:00.004-05:00

Poor Ron English.

Was it really just two years ago that he was THE hot coordinator in college football and people in Ann Arbor dreaded that he'd bounce to another D1 job before Lloyd Carr retired?

Man that seems like a long time ago.

Instead, he ended up at UL with Steve Krapthorpe.

This year he did a decent job of turning around the abysmal Louisville defense and had himself in the running for the head coaching gigs at San Diego State and Eastern Michigan.

But we've just got this feeling they're both going to head in another direction.

That's what 6 Mike Teel TDs will do to you - in the first half!

THE REVENGE

2008-12-05T10:23:00.006-05:00

Thanks to The Dude, stumbled across this bit from The Knicks Blog about who they should pick up in the case of Cuttino Mobley's retirement:

"But for me, with the need for shotblocking help, Walsh should look to former Michigan standout Courtney Sims who is eating up the D league early averaging 8 blocks and 14 rebounds."

You read that correctly: eating up the D league.

The only thing we remember Sims eating up at Michigan was elbows to the face.

Sims' current statline? 20.3 PPG, 12.0 RPG, 5.7 BPG - which includes a season-opening triple-double (22 PTS, 17 REB, 11 BLK).

Somewhere, Dr. James Naismith is rolling over in his grave.

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

2008-12-04T10:06:00.000-05:00

We'll be the first to admit this Old School Jam sucks. It just has a special place in our hearts. So eat it:

ANOTHER R.O.Y. CONTENDER

2008-12-02T22:13:00.003-05:00

You know how the movie studios jam the Oscar favorites down your throat this time of year to stay fresh in voters' minds?

Well that's about how we feel with the Realest of the Year honors when - in the course of 4 days - Plax caps himself, Starbury goes off on an incoherent rant and Sean Avery calls Elisha Cuthbert "sloppy seconds."

(Seriously, why won't major media outlets use the phrase? It took me over a minute to find what Avery finally said. The shame.)

And there's still 27 days left!

Pace yourselves, people!

SPORTSWRITING GONE WRONG

2008-12-02T19:22:00.003-05:00

We've never taken issue with Dan Wetzel - until now.

Dude, you can't seriously think TROY (TROY!!!) should play for the national title:

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2008-12-01T14:39:00.005-05:00

We'd all but given 2008 Realest of the Year honors to Chad Ocho Cinco after he legally changed his name. When the NFL put the kibosh on his new jersey, we were expecting a complete circus. Instead? The guy hasn't acted a fool once. We guess he's too busy playing crap football.

Well Stephon Marbury is setting the new standard for NBA cancers (watch your back, Ricky D) by - this season alone - refusing to play and blasting his teammates on the way out the door:

"They left me out for dead. It's like we're in a foxhole and I'm facing the other way. If I got shot in the head, at least you want to get shot by the enemy. I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."

Stephon: At no point were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. We award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

Editor's Note: So true, Singer... Plax will get his due.

EPIPHANY OF AN ASSCLOWN SPORTSWRITER

2008-11-30T22:30:00.008-05:00

What extremely intelligent insight can I add that hasn't already been said about the BCS controversy?

*****Light bulb!!!!!*****

Texas Tech is getting screwed too because they beat Texas! Why aren't they in the discussion?!?!?!?!?!??!

....You've done it again....

Nice try, ass wipe. You can't have a national champion that lost a game by 44 points. You just can't. And if you can't respect that, your whole perspective is wack.

For the record, we think Texas deserves to play for the national title but Oklahoma is the better team.

Our long-term solution is a four-team playoff but for right now we're calling on Big 12 Commish Dan Beebe to grow a pair, boot Mizzou from the title game and have a UT-OU showdown to set up an orgasmic weekend of college football.

REALESTS T-DAY PREDICTION

2008-11-26T22:15:00.003-05:00

We don't need to remind you of our past prediction prowess, so we'll just say this:

Lions 48, Titans 36.

Drew Henson: 37-52, 407 YDS, 4 TDs.

Any questions?

Call us suckers, but we'll never give up on the Drewski. At least until he gets cut by the Lions.

Then we're done.

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

2008-11-25T13:10:00.003-05:00

The MGoBlog post about The Realests really got us thinking: There's been a huge shortage of Lil Wayne on this blog recently.

Well we decided to dip into our archive and dust off a classic from the cinematic debut Baller Blockin' (2000) by the Case Money Millionaires (not to be confused with the Cash Money Billionaires, the Big Tymers or Hot Boys).

For those who haven't seen it, Blockin' falls somewhere between Baby Geniuses and State Property.

It's amazing to think about Wayne's longevity when you see him next to flash-in-the-pan artists like Juvenile, Birdman and Mannie Fresh.

And lastly, a quick shout-out to Sobes, who personally turned this into our dorm room's freshman year anthem by blasting before every single party at TEP.

And with that, enjoy your Thanksgiving.

DEFENDING OUR TAKE ON RR

2008-11-24T14:56:00.012-05:00

We'll be the first to tell you that MGoBlog is a trillion times better than this site and that if it's the Charles Woodson of Michigan blogs, we are the Johnny Sears.

But we'd like to defend our position that Rich Rod MUST reach a BCS bowl in 2010 or face the axe if we win 6 or 7 games next season - a position Brian Cook vehemently disagrees with:

We aren’t saying SHOULD Rich Rod be fired in 2010 if this happens. Bill Martin made a ballsy choice by going with RR and there’s no turning back now or two years down the road. No doubt it would take at least another two years for someone else to come in, implement a new system and recruit their own players to be successful.

What we’re saying is that Bill Martin won’t be able to handle the heat if Michigan goes, say, 8-4 and winds up in the Outback Bowl in 2010. Point blank: Whether it's fair or not, that's the reality of coaching Michigan.

This is what Dick Rod ALREADY has working against him after one season:

• The sloppy West Virginia divorce. Do we give a shit about that? No. But it’s just more ammo for anyone gunning at RR that this has been a complete shitshow from the beginning.

• Public perception as a sleaze bag. That includes the Justin Boren transfer, Joe Tiller’s “snake-oil salesman” comments, Jim Tressel’s “gentleman” jab (all minor by themselves) and the AA Rumor Mill already spinning about how much the players hate him for constantly degrading them as “C****” and “P******”.

• A very fair argument that this team actually regressed over the course of the season. I remember people saying it felt like we won the Utah game because we actually fought back and showed potential. People even said that after Notre Dame, insisting once we cut out the turnovers we'd have a real offense. Now this team's being dubbed the biggest embarassment in school history.

• The appearance, at the very least, that this Michigan team is already divided. Everyone saw Charles Stewart go apeshit on the sidelines, but there was TONS of finger-pointing on Saturday (Donovan Warren stood out in particular although we would have screamed at Stevie Brown all Saturday too) and Brandon Minor basically called out teammates afterward. Of course everyone’s going to be pissed off at the end of this season. But aside from winning, NOTHING is more important to Michigan except its "pristine image" - especially in the post-Fab Five Era.

• A “free pass” with Michigan fans that expired sooner than anyone expected. He was supposed to get at least one year; instead he got about six games. This is the same fan base that revolted against Lloyd Carr for “mediocrity” despite 3 trips to the Rose Bowl in his final 4 years and reputation as a class act (please believe we aren’t defending Lloyd, just stating the facts).

• The pressure on Bill Martin would be absolutely CRUSHING to get the program back into the hands of a “Michigan Man” such as Jim Harbaugh, Les Miles or even Brady Hoke (if you post a comment below stating we should have hired Hoke instead of Rodriguez, we will hunt you down and destroy you). As recent college graduates, we’re completely disillusioned about how many fans agreed with us that the football program needed a complete overhaul. We caught a huge break that the Les Miles negotiations turned into a complete debacle and there really were no other “Michigan Men” that made viable candidates. RR is still getting shit for the smallest slights of tradition, i.e. not naming permanent team captains, giving away #1 to a non-receiver or not telling the complete oral history of the Little Brown Jug. We agree: It's completely absurd. But again, this will come back to haunt Rod if he doesn't win.

• We hear a lot of "Rich Rod can't be expected to reach a BCS bowl with a sophomore QB!" Please. Doesn't Sam Bradford already feel like a 7th-year senior to you? A QB that's started an entire year (whether it's Forcier or Beaver) has plenty of experience in the college game - just ask LSU or Wisconsin.

• The fact 8-4 doesn’t mean dick these days. Wisconsin and Minnesota are 7-5 and we won’t even get started on how bad either looked last weekend. Throw in a nonconference schedule over the next two years that will feature 3 complete Jokers and Notre Dame, and there’s no way 8-4 will cut it in 2010.

• Jim Tressel. This guy took John Cooper’s complete mess and won the national title in Year Two! And if Michigan loses to Michigan in 2009 and 2010 (which they will have to avoid to reach a BCS bowl in 2010), that will be seven losses in a row to Ohio State (OK, that's a lot of "ifs" - we're just explaining our logic here).

And you don’t think heads will be rolling at that point? Yeah, good luck with that RR.

Editor's Update: To whoever posted below: Eat it.

"THE DAY AFTER" POSTGAME REACTIONS

2008-11-23T20:08:00.004-05:00

So much for "Shock the World Weekend." After somehow convincing ourselves that Michigan actually had a shot at a 1969-esque upset that would save the season, it turned into the bloodbath everyone expected.

Here us what we remember from the nightmare:

• We're not sure if this was visible from the aerial shots, but there were NO Michigan fans there. It really was astonishing. The entire visitor's section was full of Buckeyes and there couldn't have been more than 5,000 Michigan fans in the entire place. Can't really blame UM fans for not showing up at this point but we felt like we were traveling with Rice.

• I never thought I'd say this, but Ohio State fans don't even hate Michigan anymore. How sad is that? We're like their version of State - just a bunch of jokers. I still believe if John Navarre had completed that TD pass in 2002, I would have suffered serious bodily harm (as evidenced by the guy next to me screaming after the INT, "Take your P****** back up North!!!!!"). Yesterday when we were walking out of the stadium, OSU fans were passing along their condolences and trying to shake our hands for traveling to C-Bus. It was disgusting.

• We don't want to become one of those crazy fan sites, but Scott Shafer really should be fired. Granted, Dick Rod's really in a no-win situation here. If Shafer is whacked, people will say RR is unloyal and passing the blame onto his assistants. But there's NO WAY the defense should have been this bad. The 2-play, 90-yard drive was absolute rock bottom. Overall, the second half collapses were mind-boggling. Agaist Illinois, Penn State and Ohio State combined, we were outscored 88-6... 88-6! Marinate on that for a second.

• Happy Trails, Sam McGuffie! We've already resigned ourselves to the fact The Matrix is transferring, and who can blame the kid? Every time he touches the ball is like watching a commercial for Terry Tate Office Linebacker. He could really be a valuable kick returner/3rd down back for Big Blue, but who can blame the kid if he heads home to play for Sam Houston State?

• This sounds insane but we were actually pleasantly surprised by the offense yesterday. After the first couple drives, it looked like we weren't going to pick up a first down. Brandon Minor continued to look like a star in the making and we actually got into a rhythm late in the 2nd quarter before the wheels fell off on defense. We're looking for any positives here, people!

• You know in "The Program" when Omar Epps carries a football around campus everywhere he goes? Martavious Odoms should do that for the next 9 months. That's all we have to say about that or we will end up smashing a lamp shade over our head.

• And now for the Million Dollar Question: Will Dick Rod turn it around in Year 2? Our guess: Not really. We're predicting a sloppy 7-5 campaign (Notre Dame is just as big a disaster and we will go to the ends of the Earth to find the other 3 biggest nonconference cupcakes in the land after losing to Appalachian State and Toledo in consecutive years) and a loss in the Alamo, setting up a situation in Year 3 that he MUST reach a BCS bowl. No pressure, though.

SHOCK THE WORLD WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

2008-11-20T23:48:00.007-05:00

Yeah, Michigan invented that phrase. And now we're busting it out 20 years later.

The mission is clear: One down, two to go (OK, we didn't invent that phrase).

Now that Michigan hoops has knocked off UCLA, it's time to down our two arch-rivals and get our swag (last seen below) back, kids!

Can't say enough about John Beilein tonight. Their stud freshman is Jrue Holiday and ours is Stu "Big Dick" Douglass. That really says it all. As Dickie V would say, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!"

The most relieved man in America right now has to be Bill Martin. Just when we think he can't get any dumber - with the basketball and football teams both recording the worst seasons in school history - he goes and does something like this... AND COMPLETELY REDEEMS HIMSELF!!!!!

OK, we're off to Columbus. We'll be back on Monday to gloat some more.

SHAWN LAZARUS FLIPS THE SCRIPT

2008-11-20T16:48:00.004-05:00

This is dated today but we find it hard to believe we just came across this hours after it was posted.

Anyway, in the long line of massive white ogre DTs at Michigan, it appears Shawn Lazarus just spilled his guts on the Internet today and became a born-again Christian.

Woah big fella. We're not really sure what to say.

Go Blue?

JIM JONES ENTERS THEATER GAME

2008-11-20T14:21:00.011-05:00

And we thought plays were for douches.

That's until we heard about the "off-off-off-Broadway" production, "Hip-Hop Monologues: Inside the Life and Mind of Jim Jones." Sounds like a real classic:

"When controversial but true to the street rapper Jim Jones returns home to his Harlem neighborhood, his fame creates quite a buzz with reporters, fans, old friends and jealous enemies. After almost getting killed in an impromptu dice game, Jim is counseled by an old-school elder on how to endure the stresses of being famous and the great responsibility of teaching the next generation. Jim ultimately finds himself having to make the decision of his life: taking the elder’s wise advice or returning to his street ways at the risk of losing everything."

In other Jim Jones news, he has also sworn off saying "My n****" and replaced it with "My Obama."

Well, it's official: Jones is brain-dead.