A TRIP DOWN "MLB TRADE DEADLINE" LANE

Detroit Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski has done one of the most incredible jobs in the history of baseball, and continues to make smart moves like trading for 1B Sean Casey.

So we thought this would naturally be a perfect time to bring up the 2002 trade deadline - Dombrowski's first with the Tigers - when Dave went off and bashed the team at a season-ticket holders lunch, only to have the comments recorded and played a million times.

Our favorites:

"Craig Paquette - if you can trade him, call me tomorrow - is making $2.75 million next year."

"I love Dean Palmer... if you can trade him tomorrow, give me a call."

"Damion Easley - I love him... He's been hot. He's still not hitting .200..."

"Matt Anderson. Pretty good closer when he's healthy. Can you trade Matt Anderson tomorrow? I'd love to see you try. Again, give me a call."

"Bobby Higginson, who's a solid player. He's going to make $11.85 million next year. You try to trade him."

Easley is the only one mentioned above that is currently on an MLB roster. He's batting .233 for the Diamondbacks.

By the way, shout out to John Lowe, who made an appearance on ESPNews this afternoon to talk Tigers.

WILL JIM DUQUETTE WORK MAGIC AGAIN?

There's an hour-and-a-half left until the MLB Trade Deadline.

Note to all GMs: get Jim Duquette on the phone! As you might recall, the current VP of Baseball Operations in Baltimore is the same guy that traded away Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano at the 2003 deadline...

MIKEY, REALESTS SET TO HIT VEGAS

As mentioned earlier, we'll be in Vegas this weekend tracking Mikey the Chimp at the World Series of Poker. You thought we were joking? In fact, we openly challenge any other media outlet in America to send two writers to cover this story.

We'll be staying at Mandalay Bay from Thursday afternoon until Sunday night. We should arrive just hours after Mikey's press conference entering him into the tournament.

Stay tuned for full coverage of Mikey's run at immortality....

JIM BOCCHER FOUND!

Michigan's 2003 special teams is something we've all unsuccessfully suppressed from our memory. Certainly, no one's tried harder than Jim Boccher, the unit's coach at the time.

Here's a quick recap:

In the annual nonconference loss against Oregon, Big Blue allowed a punt return for a TD, a blocked punt returned for a TD, a missed extra-point, a blocked extra-point and a muffed fake punt.

Boccher topped himself by attempting a "roll-out" punt against Iowa, that was blocked and eventually lost Michigan the game.

Boccher never saw the Michigan sideline again due to "personal reasons" and hasn't been heard from since. The guy's name was even deleted from the Bentley Historical Library's page on the 2003 team.

We kept thinking back to "The Usual Suspects": "The greatest trick Jim Boccher ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist..."

But now, after three years in hiding, Boccher has been tracked down at an Ann Arbor Real Estate firm named McKinley.

A real estate guy with no clue about sports? Sounds like Michigan's next athletic director!


Zing!

BRING BACK PEDRO'S GOOD LUCK CHARM

The Mets' Pedro Martinez has been out nearly a month with a right hip inflammation. The nagging injury has puzzled us for weeks until we remembered Martinez had a falling out with his "good luck charm", Nelson de la Rosa, after signing with New York.

We say it's time for these two to settle their differences if the Mets are going to have any shot of winning this thing. Like Major League's Jo Boo, de la Rosa could sit in Pedro's locker or stand in the bullpen during warm ups.

The similarity between Jo Boo and de la Rosa is astonishing.

Basically, we just want more You Tube clips like this one:

CATCHING UP WITH: PHIL BRABBS

When you think of Michigan sports legends, certain names always pop up: Bo, Cazzie, Rudy, Red, Desmond... Brabbs.

Despite the fact he only made 3 field goals in his entire Michigan career, Brabbs will always be remembered for his game-winning 44-yard boot against Washington in the 2002 season opener. If you've ever seen Phil Brabbs kick a field goal, you know that kick was nothing short of a miracle.

Living with his wife in Midland, MI, Phil now works for Accenture. Well as you can see below, there's been another miracle in his life. That's right - Brabbs became a father this past February to a baby boy named Ocean. Congrats Phil.

First of all, we're getting really old.

Second, let's hope Ocean goes to State...

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Call us jaded, but few things actually surprise us these days. Mikey the Chimp playing in the World Series of Poker is one of them. As the New York Post said earlier this week on an unrelated topic: "You can rip ESPN for its over-the-top analysis, its boo-yahs, its self promotion, its needless graphics, its cell phones, its .... But sometimes ESPN gets it right."

Judging by this video, Mikey is about to wreck shit (make sure to watch all the way through - he really goes nuts in the final minute):



Here's another clip if you want to see him actually "playing" poker:


There will be a press conference at 2:00pm (PST) on Thursday, July 27 at the Palms Hotel, when they will officially announce he's playing in the World Series of Poker.

As you all probably know by now, we're heading to Vegas this weekend. We're now frantically trying to change our flights to make it for this presser. Stay tuned...

'M' NOTES

It's time to get back to our roots with some Michigan sports. Here's our take on the recent news out of Ann Arbor:

Is it just us, or when you hear this "Lloyd Carr got an official fired for being partially blind" story, you just keep picturing the trainer from Seabiscuit yelling: "HE'S BLIND IN ONE EYE!" ???

Amaker landed Top-50 recruit Manny Harris and then Alex Legion recommitted to Michigan - (he's still the Devil). When asked why he chose Michigan, I just want one of these kids to say: "I love what coach is doing with the swirly-finger offense..."

Michigan hockey's top recruit, Trevor Lewis, bolted for the NHL before playing a game at UM. As usual, Red Berenson tried his scare tactics with lines like: "I think (the Kings) took advantage of a kid who wasn't getting good advice..." Red, this obviously doesn't work. We think it's time Rick gets a chance to head up recruiting....

It makes us sick that we put together an All-Name Team and didn't include our own Mister Simpson. Mister: if you're reading, we'll make it up to you...

The new face of Michigan basketball

COLLEGE FOOTBALL "ALL-NAME TEAM"

With the launch of NCAA Football 2007 yesterday, college football has officially begun.

Unfortunately, you never know what your players' names are. So you know what you're missing out on, we put together the 2006 College Football All-Name Team for the most coincidental, absurd and obnoxious names in all of Division I-A.

Update: Upon further review, SMU TE Vincent Chase has been replaced by MSU's Kyle Sackrider on the All-Name Team. Sorry Vince...

STARRING:





&


OFFENSE:

QB: Jim Bob Cooter (Tennessee) - the gold standard for student-athletes
RB: Richie Rich (North Carolina)
RB: Jimmy Johns (Alabama)
WR: De'Cody Fagg (Florida State)
WR: Darius Passmore (Marshall)
TE: Kyle Sackrider (Michigan State) - that's just unfortunate...
OL: Shelley Smith (Colorado State) - Don't say it - asshole...
OL: Joe Girardi (Miami) - Marlins manager doubling as UM lineman???
OL: Joseph Joseph (Louisiana-Monroe) - not a lot of creativity in this one...
OL: Hercules Satele (Hawaii)
OL: Jason Alexander (San Diego State)

DEFENSE:

DL: Colin Ferrell (Kent State)
DL: Avery Hannibal (Mississippi State) - gotta have this facemask...
DL: David Escobar (Ohio) - is this the guy that drugged up Frank Solich?
DL: LeQuantum McDonald (Baylor)
LB: Ian Handshy (Kansas)
LB: John Mark Patrick (Troy)
LB: Billy Ray (West Virginia) - must be very confusing...
DB: Christian Okoye (Tulane) - Nigerian Nigthmare, Part II???
DB: Sir Darean Adams (Michigan State)
DB: Knowledge Timmons (Penn State)
DB: Ray Ray McElrathbey (Clemson) - a sentimental selection...

P/K: Keith Toogood (Texas Tech) - this guy better have balls of steel...

HONORABLE MENTION:

TE Vincent Chase (SMU) - must be the center of every party
WR Maserati Jemison (Arizona State)
QB John Van Dam (Michigan State) - must.. know.. middle.. name..
DL Untavious Scott (Troy)

MEGOLOGY TO MARRY

It's my pleasure to announce the Daily's own Megan Kolodgy is engaged. Bob Hunt is reporting Megology is marrying her longtime boyfriend, Scott, on August 11, 2007 in Toledo. Megology was unavailable for comment.

We're hoping this will basically turn into a Daily Sports reunion (no pressure though, Megan...)

Remember that date folks:

8.11.07

FRANK DEFORD CLAPS AT BILL MARTIN

The battle over Michigan's "enclosed seating" has reached the breaking point.

SI's Frank Deford has a great article online about the revolution, throwing full support behind luxury-box haters.

Hey, if we successfully shoot down the boxes, I say we take aim at the yellow piping next...

Adam Morrison hates luxury boxes...

SOMEWHERE LLOYD CARR IS SMILING...

The AP is reporting Minnesota 1,000-yard rusher Gary Russell isn't signed up for classes this fall, meaning he will not play for the Golden Gophers either.

Whew.

This year we can breath easy when the game is tied, Minnesota is 3rd and 10 from their own 26-yard line, and the Gophers decide to run the clock out.

I can already taste the Little Brown Jug...

WILLIE WILLIAMS DREAM IS DEAD

Update: This post should instead be titled "Yahoo Sports Is Crap", but won't for linking purposes. Willie Williams - notorious for his 11 high school arrests and recruiting diary - is NOT headed to WVU (despite Yahoo's false reporting... BTW, I wouldn't want to be this John Murphy guy...), the former home of dirtbags Chris Henry and Pac Man Jones.

The good news is that the "Willie Williams Sweepstakes" continue if Lloyd Carr is listening...

We love you Willie!

THE WOODY HAYES PUNCH

It was only a matter of time until Woody Hayes's meltdown against Clemson was put on YouTube. Thanks to MZone, you can see it whenever you want. Definitely worth having in our archives...

GREATEST MOVIE SCENE OF ALL-TIME?

You know those movies that come on HBO, and you just watch them over and over again?

Old School is a good example. So is Zoolander. But for some reason, the film that really captures our imagination is "You Got Served".

Whether it's...
- Steve Harvey playing a mentor that lets kids throw their lives away on dance-offs
- Lil' Saint getting gun-downed while caught up in the thug life
- Wade Robson talking about how many sweet videos he has choreographed
or Lil' Kim telling the D.J. to "drop it like it's hot", this is a 95-minute film that never lets you up for air.

Inexplicably, it's ranked as the #21 worst movie of all-time on IMDB. First of all, there is no way this movie is worse than Kazaam (#22). Second, no matter how much people hated the movie, a sequel needs to be greenlit for the title alone, "You Got Served 2: Service with a Smile".

Below is our favorite scene in the movie, and possibly of all-time (BTW, Omarion deserved an Oscar nod for his text message reaction alone...):



BTW, Varun and I are seeing the 6:15 showing of "Little Man" at the Union Square theater on Wednesday, if anyone would like to join us...

WILLIE WOLVERINE???

As we all know, Michigan's top recruit Jai Eugene screwed us at the last minute and headed to LSU. Well, it appears Lloyd Carr can redeem himself with a former blue-chip recruit that is suddenly available.

That's right, Miami LB Willie Williams is officially transferring.

If you aren't familiar with Willie, here is a quick overview: the top recruited linebacker in the country two years ago, Williams has 11 "entries" on his arrest record - including 10 arrests for theft-related incidents.

But it only gets better.

While being recruited, Willie kept a diary for the Miami Herald, in which he detailed each trip. Some choice excerpts:

"Coach [Coker] looks like an old guy in his 50s or 60s, but he's real cool. When he talks, he sounds like he's 18 or 20. And when I saw he was driving the Escalade, I was like, 'Dang, coach got some taste.' "

"UM looks like it has a real good business school. After going on these trips and living like King Tut, I think business is something I want to get into."

On running through Miami's tunnel: "I was running like a blind man. I had my eyes closed cause I didn't want none of that smoke to get in my eyes. Coach was like, 'It's OK, Willie. It isn't going to hurt you.' Now, I know. Running through that smoke was awesome."

On Florida: "I ate so many meatballs, the people there started looking like meatballs. Some guy kept trying to get me to eat alligator tails, but I wasn't having it. I told him, 'I'm not the Crocodile Hunter.' I don't touch reptiles."

"They had girls come out, all dressed nice, but it took awhile. It was a weird beauty pageant because there were some people talking about black history the whole time. Then it got worse. They had guy models come out."

On his private flight to Auburn: "We could see [the pilot], and he could see us. One time, the plane starting shaking. So I asked [the pilot], 'Is everything OK?' He turned around a gave me the thumbs up and didn't say a word. Then when it happened again, he did the same thing - thumbs up."

"I looked at the other guys and was like, 'This guy has to be related to Ebert or something.' "

Trust us, there's much, much more if you look at the Miami Herald's archive.

We love you Willie!

NEWEST ADDITION TO CFB "ALL-NAME TEAM"

With Richie Rich already locking down the running back position, we've found some offensive firepower to complement him at Marshall: wide receiver Darius Passmore.

(It goes without saying that he'll be lining up across from Florida St.'s De'Cody Fagg, not pronounced "Fog" or "Fay-g" - just "Fag"...)

Please, please tell me Passmore is the next Terrell Owens...

WILL NCAA 2007 FEATURE "THE CLAW"?

The wait for NCAA 2007 is almost over. As you surely know, the game is released next Monday, July 18th.

While looking through this season's preview, we couldn't help but notice this new feature:

Innovative smart fans: The living stadium jumps to life featuring unique alumni, student, and visitor sections that react dynamically to the action and momentum on the field. Watch as fans do team specific traditions such as Florida State’s Tomahawk Chop or the Florida Gator Chomp.

They can't fit every student cheer into a paragraph, so we'll cut them slack despite not mentioning The Claw in here. But surely EA Sports picked up on the newest tradition in college sports, didn't they?

If not, we are immediately protesting the game. Then we're pulling an Andy Dufresne, writing the creators every day until this injustice is corrected.

Let's hope they didn't make that mistake ...


While the 2007 cover is tight, we're expecting this on the cover in 2008 ...

ZINEDINE ZIDANE QUIZ!

This Zinedine Zidane fiasco has provided so much good material we had to come up with a fresh angle to present all the information.

Introducing: The Zinedine Zidane Quiz:

1) What line did Marco Materazzi use to first insult Zidane, which you would more likely find in a rap song?
A. That's why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker!
B. You're whack, you're twisted, you're girl's a ho...
C. That one's not for a n***** like you...

2) Zidane grew up on the mean streats of Marseille in the infamous housing projects of...
A. Marcy
B. Quartiers Nord
C. Queensbridge
D. Cabrini-Green

3) According to a forensic lip reader, Materazzi called Zidane's mother a...
A. Smelly pirate hooker
B. Terrorist whore
C. Woman with a brain a third the size of us (also adding that "It's science...")

4) What was Materazzi's defense to calling Zidane a "dirty terrorist"?
A. Didn't know what the word terrorist meant
B. Said it as a compliment
C. Pretended he didn't understand Italian

5) According to The Realests, who is the dirtiest player in sports?
A. Reggie Evans
B. Danny Fortson
C. Bruce Bowen
D. Zinedine Zidane



Answers:
1. C
2. B
3. B
4. A
5. A (the guy tried to rip Chris Kaman's balls off...)

DAILY GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET???

I feel like the Arts staff just plagiarized for the 7th time....

An article in today's Daily details how EIC Donn "M." Fresard is joining Michigamua and Ashley Dinges is therefore quitting the Daily.

(By the way, we love how her quote reads like a press release).

On one hand, it's hard to stop this guy. Unless they find him running around with a tomahawk, it's doubtful anything in the bylaws will help.

Even though it jeopardizes the Daily's independence, here is what I'm more concerned about: on a list of biggest douche bags at Michigan, Michigamua ranks right below Beta.

Who voted for this guy to be EIC?

The only hope would be busting him on lying about it to the staff (which I have very little details about...)

Where's the Goodspeed Update when you need it???

Vive La Revolucion!

REALEST OF THE WEEK

By the end, I was getting pretty bored with the World Cup. But you really gotta respect Zinedine Zidane for throwing away his entire career by head butting someone in the chest.

It will definitely go down as one of the stupidest plays in sports, right alongside Ricky Davis shooting on his own hoop for a triple-double.

And you gotta love that what we'll always remember about this World Cup is that French guys really are assholes...

Yeah, Zidane turned into the goat alright... and by that, we mean the Greatest Of All Time...

PASS THE ASTROGLIDE....

With the announcement that Reed Baker will be joining the Michigan basketball team, Tommy's much-heralded class is finally complete.

You'll be comforted in knowing Baker had planned on going to The Citadel, Birmingham Southern and Air Force at different points before Amaker swooped in at the last minute.

Just for fun, let's compare the 2006-07 basketball recruiting classes for Ohio State, Michigan St. and Michigan, according to Scout.com.

Ohio State
Greg Oden: #1 overall, ***** stars
Daequan Cook: #13, *****
Mike Conley: #28, *****
David Lighty: #31, ****
Othello Hunter: NR (JC Transfer)

Michigan St.
Raymar Morgan: #34, ****
Tom Herzog: #49, ****
Isaiah Dahlman: #61, ****

Michigan
DeShawn Sims: #32, ****
K'Len Morris: NR, ***
Ekpe Udoh: NR, ***
Reed Baker: NR, **
Anthony Wright: NR, **

And for a sneak peak, let's take a look at the number of top 100 recruits for each school in the 2007 class:

Ohio State: 3
Michigan State: 4
Michigan: 0


I'm going to find my "Great Job Amaker" sign...

ZUBINO: BIG BEN'S BULL-SHIT

Editor's Note: This is the first in a 5-part series by Zubino about the loss of Ben Wallace. Followed by this entry (Denial) will be Bargaining, Anger, Despair and Acceptance. Please stay tuned...


By The Great Zubino
Realests Correspondent

I heard the news and went bezerk:

“No more Ben Wallace?! No more 'fro? No more Rebound Row?”

I started going crazy and frantically biting my nails thinking the era of the Pistons was over. Then I pimped smack my own self and thought, "stop acting like a bitch." The smartest thing the Pistons could have done is let Wallace go. This frees up much cap room (Wallace was the Pistons highest paid player) and opens up some options. The Pistons could:

- Sign Bonzi Wells (He’s comfortable with Sheed from the Portland years)
- Trade one of the starting 4 remaining and a bench or a pick for a star on another team*

A lot of people I tell this say I'm crazy - but I seriously think this could happen. The Pistons could trade bench players and money for a star like KG or maybe Jermaine O’Neal - who knows.

I’m one of the people that’s happy now that Ben Wallace is gone. The organization paid him too much for only defense. If I was Joe Dumars, I would have gone up to Ben and showed him how strong my pimp hand was, then lower the deal to show him to know his role. Ben left so he could get more money, but he already has a ton from his previous occupations:

96-99 Washington- Accumulative 1.2 million over 3 years
2000 Orlando- $700,000
01-06 Detroit- A shitload more - over 25 million

I’m excited for the Pistons now: Every time we go to the foul line, we won’t have to pray for Ben to at least hit rim 100% of the time. Go Pistons.


Joe Dumars on Ben: “Who you haters think you talkin' to? I'm the fuckin' boss white on white G4, Hater get lost...”

REALEST OF THE WEEK

It's times like these that make blogging all worthwhile.

We're sure a single tear came to the eyes of Tommy Amaker and Ty Shine when they read this, just like it did for us. Thanks to Charles for the heads up...

On March 30, Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin was drunk and masturbating when he crashed his luxury SUV into a parked Suburban outside a store in Minneapolis, according to a lawsuit filed Thursday by the man whose Suburban was hit in the crash.

WCCO-TV obtained copies of 911 calls and store surveillance video of the incident, along with an accident report the police submitted to the state, reports WCCO-TV's Caroline Lowe.

Several of the 911 callers that night said Griffin was drunk. One witness said Griffin told him he was watching pornography in a DVD player mounted on the dashboard of his Cadillac Escalade SUV when he struck a Chevy Suburban parked on University Avenue Southeast.

The location where Griffin crashed is located a couple miles from the Target Center where Griffin had played with his team several hours earlier.

Abed Hassuneh, who is the brother of the victim, said Griffin told him, "That he was masturbating himself going down that street. That's how the accident happened because he was not paying attention. He's paying attention to that video and all of a sudden he's shoveled somebody's car on the top of the sidewalk."

Interim Minneapolis Police Chief Tim Dolan ordered an internal affairs investigation of the conduct of the two officers who responded to the scene, after WCCO-TV made Dolan aware of allegations about the incident.

Key questions are why Griffin wasn't tested for alcohol and why the officers drove him out of the city to his home in St. Paul. Griffin also received tickets for not having a license and inattentive driving.

Griffin's damaged SUV was towed to the Minneapolis impound lot.

Dolan told WCCO-TV he expects impartial policing. Dolan also said officers must get permission to leave the city.

"Obviously, if somebody is drunk and they are driving we want that dealt with by the police officers of Minneapolis," Dolan said.

In the video, Griffin can be heard pleading with witnesses to not call police saying, "I can't go to jail."

The video also shows Griffin admitting he is drunk and doesn't have a driver's license.

The video shows him struggling for minutes to put on his sweatshirt and offering to buy a car for the man who's SUV he crashed into in front of Santana Foods.

Griffin was not available for comment. When he was interviewed by reporters after the crash happened, he said he had dropped his cell phone as he drove.

The two officers involved in the incident, Daniel Anderson and Matthew Lindquist, have been with the Minneapolis Police Department since October 2001. The officers remain on duty pending the outcome of the internal investigation.

UGH, I CAN'T STAND HANSEL!!!

Sometimes sports writers hit a level of stupidity even we didn't think was possible. Take this article after the NFL Draft that ran in "The Arizona Republic" by the title "Navarre Unfazed By Drafting of Leinart."

Is this guy kidding?

While the Cardinals selection of Southern California quarterback Matt Leinart in last weekend's draft caused waves of excitement throughout the Valley, it wasn't great news in at least one household.

John Navarre, entering his third season with the team, will now have serious competition to back up Kurt Warner.

But not much bothers Navarre, and he said he doesn't plan to shrink from the challenge.

"Hey, I have to compete," he said. "Competition brings out the best. I have to expect that and so does Matt coming in, and I know he does."

Navarre, who was a seventh-round pick from Michigan, has played in two games in two years. When Josh McCown departed for Detroit via free agency this off-season, Navarre moved up to second on the depth chart. Now, he has competition.

"That's the NFL," coach Dennis Green said. "I don't think anybody thinks they should be making millions of dollars and have a free pass. John went to Michigan. Believe me, he understands competition."

Navarre's advantage is that he knows the offensive system. But it's rare in the NFL that a seventh-round pick beats out a first-rounder. When asked if he's confident that the competition will be fair, Navarre said he didn't know.

"If I'm going to base my work ethic and my goals on outside factors I can't control, what does that say about my goals?" he asked. "Whatever happens ahead of me happens, but I'm going to work and I'm not going to change."

From the article, you'd think Navarre is a potential franchise QB that just got dicked over instead of someone biding time until he goes into the Sporting Goods business...

"The Incumbent"

"The Challenger"

OREGON'S LOST ITS DAMN MIND

Last week Nike and the University of Oregon announced the fourth "evolution" of their football uniforms in the last 10 years. Along with some minor changes and permanently adding the black jersey, the Ducks will no have THREE different helmets. The white one is pictured here, while the yellow version is still in "development stage", and I shouldn't even be talking about it.

By the way, note on a close-up of this picture that Dennis Dixon is sporting the "510" (Oakland) area code for the announcement. That's just ridiculous....

And if you needed one more reason to think Phil Knight is a complete ego-maniac, check out his headshot on the University's website that could probably be printed into a poster.

THEREALESTS.COM

People, people. We see that some of you are still typing in "the realests" into a google search to get to our page. For those of you too lazy to type in ".blogspot" we have purchased "therealests.com", which will automatically redirect you to this page.

Enjoy, folks.

FACEBOOK PICTURE OF THE WEEK

People have questioned his determination, but no one can doubt the heart of former Michigan defensive lineman Gabe Watson. Let's just hope he starts laying off the quaaludes...