THE NBA - REALETY TELEVISION

The NBA regular season tips off tonight. It's hard to put in words how excited The Realests are. The NBA regular season is a time of magic and excitement, a time where all the questions and speculation during the offseason can finally be answered. A time where we can waste hundreds and hundreds of hours watching NBA League Pass - which is by far the best investment that a human being can make between the months of November and March.

Too cold to go outside?

Just turn on channel 407 and watch a mid-February matchup between the Grizzlies and the Timberwolves. Tired of watching Channel 35 (New York people know what we're talking about) at 1 in the morning? You can probably switch to League Pass and watch the tail end of a Lakers-Sonics game.

League Pass is just one of the things that we are excited about. Here are a few of the others. We'll be adding to these throughout the season:

1. The Curse of Reghi


Reghi (left): a loyal soldier til the end

The Cavs had an unbelievable season last year. Not only did LeBron take off to a level that few thought would be possible this early in his career, but the Cavs managed to give the Pistons a pretty spirited fight in the second round of the playoffs. But since their unceremonious exit in Game 7 on the floor of the Palace, it's tough to see what the Cavs have done to get that much better. Giving Big Z an extension only seems to tie them to an old player who is injury prone and virtually untradeable. Drafting Shannon Brown adds athleticism but it's going to take a steady point guard and some dead-eye shooting for them to grow as a team (along with some defense). And everyone seems to be touting a healthy Larry Hughes this season. The Realests respectfully point out that the Cavs didn't play all that well when Hughes was healthy last year and they really only hit their stride when he was out with injuries.

Finally, the biggest blow to the Cavs organization was the firing of Michael Reghi, their loyal play-by-play announcer on the local broadcast. Not only did they kick him to the curb in favor of a former Detroit announcer (Fred McLeod), but the timing of the decision left Reghi little time to find another announcing job. Reghi handled his dismissal with all the class and dignity that we've come to respect from him. Our hearts go out to him. Undoubtedly, he had tied his hopes and dreams to those of LeBron James and just as Flight 23 was getting ready to take off, the Cavs organization told Reghi to get the hell off the plane.

Shame on you Dan Gilbert. Shame on you.

2. Amare

Nothing funny to say here - we just want him to come back and merck people.




3. Fantasy Basketball


Please don't miss half the season with a bruised eyelash...

Never, ever, ever in my life have I cared more about Nene staying healthy all year. I also have never cared if Maurice Williams turns into a decent point guard for the Bucks. Fantasy basketball makes strange bedfellows. This year I'm hoping that Darko blows up and has the type of season that makes everyone very very afraid of him. I'm also cheering for Antoine Walker to make as many threes as possible. Even though I'm incredibly hyped about the season right now, there's a strong chance that I suck for the first month, make some ridiculous predictions, get bored, and trade my entire team for Viktor Khryapa.

4. Ricky Davis


That face says it all...

Will he or won't he punch Randy Foye in the face?

5. Normal Statistics

Fuck you John Hollinger. For the last 5 months all I've heard from baseball people is stats about RISP, OBP, quality starts, ERAs, slugging percentage. I don't understand what any of that stuff means! I don't care what it means! Here's what I understand: points, assists, blocks, rebounds, steals. Anything beyond that starts to really confuse me. So you can shove your Player Efficiency Ratings right up your ass John Hollinger.

Now, disregard that entire last paragraph. The Realests have invented a new statistic called....The Realest. Here's what The Realest is: basically, it's a rebound short of a triple double where the player attempts to achieve said missing rebound by shooting on his own hoop and grabbing the board. Only one player in history has pulled off a Realest. Leave a comment giving us the player's name and what team he attempted this amazing stunt against.

6. Inside the NBA on TNT

I could watch this show every minute of every day of my life. We hope that EJ is in good health this year - he did a damn good job last year given what he was going through. My personal favorite part of every show is when he introduces Magic, Kenny, and Charles and mentions that Magic and Kenny have championship rings and Barkley doesn't. I love that.

7. Kobe wearing number 24


Extreme Makeover: Jack Bauer Edition

Just a genius move by him. Do you think he was sitting at home one day, watching "WifeSwap" on FOX, thinking about how everyone in the world hates him when a commercial for 24 came on TV?? I can see the lightbulb going off in his head - "Everyone hates me, everyone loves Jack Bauer...." Kobe is a genius. I never really liked Kobe.

Now, I'm hoping that TNT wires him for a game and we hear him in a Laker's timeout in the 4th quarter of a close game screaming "DO YOU TRUST ME? DO YOU TRUST ME?!?!?" at a stunned Luke Walton.

7. The Detroit Pistons


This pictures makes me want to cry

Realests Note: You can expect a longer analysis of the Pistons once the season starts a little. Needless to say, my blood pressure rises everytime I read an NBA Preview that has dismissed the Pistons as a team on the decline or doesn't even pick them to get out of the first round. Until I get a chance to see this team play a little, I'm not gonna say anything substantive - I still believe that they'll make the conference finals though, and with a little luck can make the big show and win it. Regardless, I'm having some problems with the first sentence of my real Pistons preview. I think it's going to start with something like this: "First off fuck the Bulls and the clique you claim / Motown when we ride / Fuck LeBron James..." Oh, and I think I'm ending it with this line - "Fuck the Miami Heat as a staff, baskebtall team, and as a mother fucking crew. Fuck Shaq! Fuck Dwyane Wade! Fuck Antoine Walker (but please make a lot of 3 points in a losing effort)!"

For the first time in a while I think people don't really know what to say about this team. Coming into their championship year, people didn't really believe in them because they hadn't done anything big in the offseason to prove that they could get past the Nets. Even when they traded for 'Sheed, there was a lot of ambivalence about what they would do. The season after the championship, everyone assumed they would stick to team ball and pound the competition. Unfortunately, the 2004-2005 Pistons turned into the Lakers and acted like they didn't care about anything. Then in 2005-2006, everyone thought that the Pistons had learned their lesson about flipping the switch.

The good news is that they did learn that lesson. The bad news is that they turned the switch on and kept it on for about 78 games of the regular season and they had nothing left for the playoffs. So what happens this year? There haven't been a lot of solid prediction about the Pistons this year - most of the talk has been about the other teams. But now there is the backlash "don't forget about the Pistons talk." Well, here's my prediction...NBA Championship, fools!!!! Either that, or the season will be absolute chaos. Hopefully, it will be absolute chaos that leads to an NBA title.


Wallace x 1: Zone? Fuck Zone.

STEVE BREASTON: WHERE HAVE YOU GONE?

Has anyone seen the real Steve Breaston since the 2005 Rose Bowl?

No one's called him out yet because we are stepping on people's faces and it's easy to forget what a disappointment this guy has been.

If you recall, Steve B. set a Rose Bowl record with 315 all-purpose yards in the heart-breaking loss to Texas. The guy was unstoppable. Despite Braylon winning the Biletnikoff, everyone thought there would be no drop-off at wide receiver next year.

Well check this stat out:

All-purpose yards per-game:

Texas: 315 yards
2005: 116 yards per game
2006: 97 yards per game

Not exactly progress, Steve.

THE KID IS BACK - IS HE HERE TO STAY?

Sorry ya'll, I've been a little busy with work this weekend. But I just wanted to say it's good to have Varun back on the blog grind.

I have to admit, I'm a little skeptical: Varun's had more comeback attempts than George Foreman.

Hopefully this one pans out...

- Real

JACK BAUER MUST DIE

Hopefully, you've all seen this by now. If you haven't, you can thank us later. January can't get here fast enough.



I actually gave Keifer the idea for that intro when I ran into him on the street a few months ago. He was a road dog and offered to give me the part that Kal Penn (supposedly) has this year. Anyway, we can only hope that this new season is as good as the clip below.



Stay tuned for some new posts about 24 in the near future. We'll be giving your our predictions for the next season along with a dramatic re-enactment of the ending of Season 5.

WE FLY HIGH

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallin'!!!!

If you've paid attention to the New York rap scene recently, you're aware of the fact that Jim Jones is apparently running shit. If this wasn't depressing enough, he and Dame Dash have decided to take a crack at Hov with a new dis track.

Anyway, the Weez has been faced with quite a dilemma recently. He loves Dipset. A simple story will really explain how strong his devotion is. We were at a bar a few months back and cut in line to play pool. Apparently, there was a list and a girl who was ahead of us was pretty upset and started throwing quarters at our faces. Usually this would cause Jim to fly into a rage and try to fight everyone in the bar (see: the fight Jim got into at Off the Wagon about a month ago when I wasn't there to check him before he wrecked himself). But this time, he restrained himself. He noticed that the girl was with a guy who was wearing a Diplomats shirt. He pointed out the shirt out, screamed something out about Juelz and Killa Cam and then we were all road dogs.

Anyway, back to the dilemma. The Weez hates the NY Giants because of their rivalry with the Washington Redskins. On last week's MNF game, Strahan and Plax were imitating fade-away jumpshots a la the new Jim Jones video. Usually this sort of ridiculous behavior would make him extremely happy. But this time, it's just broken his heart. As a result he's strapped on his authentic Washington Redskins football helmet and has been running into the brickwall next to our fireplace. The results are very similar to this.


Don't throw rocks at the throne, dunnies!

KINGDOM COME!

Been a lot of Jay-Z hating going on out there recently. There's even been some internal tension between The Realests over Jay's recent business moves.

But, I for one am very happy that the Michael Schumacher of the Roc roster is almost back. Keep his name out of your mouths, fools!! If you don't like his lyrics you can press fast forward! Do you fools listen to music or do you just skim through it!

He had to get off the boat so that he could walk on water! Who you know fresher than Hov?! He flows for chicks wishin they didn't have to strip to pay tuition! He thugs them, fucks them, loves them, leaves them because he doesn't fucking need them! He didn't tell you to sell drugs - he sold drugs!! He's on the block like he's 8 feet tall! He's in the drop with the AC on! T

hat's why the streets embrace him, dog! He's from Marcy, son! He's not a businessman - he's a BUSINESS, man!!!!

Anyone who can name the songs that these lyrics are taken from will win the respect of The Realests.



Fuck Dame Dash!!

SOMEONE GET JOE BUCK OUT OF THE BOOTH

Ugh, we can't stand Joe Buck! This guy is basically a part of the Cardinals organization, yet he's still allowed to call their games for a national audience? We call foul.

How convenient that a FOX camera crew caught Kenny Rogers with pine tar on his pitching hand...

Mark our words: as soon as Pujols finally cranks a HR, Buck's gonna slip and scream, "SAY HELLOOOO TO MY LIL' FRIEND!"


It's only a matter of time...

NEW YORK POST KEEPS HITS COMING

I'm just getting to the point where errors in the New York Post are like a slap in the face. I am 100% confident the staff of The Michigan Daily could run this entire newspaper with more accuracy and efficiency. Today's error from a story by George King about Detroit's struggling lineup:

"The Tigers are batting a brutal .185, which isn't much better than the Cardinals' .196."

Gee, George, you're right - that isn't much better. In fact, it's worse...

ROBERT REYNOLDS: BACK TO BASICS

You really have to wonder: if a guy is willing to strangle someone on national TV, what does he do behind closed doors? Well, in the case of former OSU linebacker Robert Reynolds, I guess we just found out:

Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher says he asked Robert Reynolds to leave the team's headquarters today after the third-year linebacker was charged with domestic violence. And Fisher says Reynolds will not play Sunday against the Houston Texans.

Police in Ohio filed misdemeanor charges of domestic violence, assault and criminal damaging against Reynolds for an episode Saturday night at his estranged wife's home in suburban Columbus. A judge will hear motions and set bond Thursday morning. Reynolds, a fifth-round draft pick in 2004, has been playing on special teams. Jennifer Reynolds told police she did not want to press charges and did not sign the charges.

The couple, whose divorce will be final Tuesday, issued a joint statement saying they apologized for an incident they said was blown out of proportion and asked for their privacy.

Speaking of former OSU players arrested for domestic violence...

ISIAH'S GETS DUMBER, CUTS TSKITISHVILI

Right when we were about to buy New York Knicks season tickets and buy #55 jerseys, Isiah Thomas goes and waives our favorite player, Nikoloz Tskitishvili, in favor of dinasour Kelvin Cato.

The 5th overall pick of the 2002 NBA Draft ahead of Amare Stoudemire (among others), most consider "Tish" a bust. We beg to differ. And as for this most recent cut, that's fine - it just gives Tish more time to work on his backward shot.

Here's hoping arch-nemesis Shane Battier can talk the Rockets into taking a flyer on Tish.


Do it Tish!

ADRIAN ARRINGTON GETS BUSTED IN YPSI

Just when you thought Michigan football had turned the corner on soliciting prostitutes, domestic violence and "7th Floor Crew" rip-offs, Adrian Arrington gets busted in Ypsi for fighting with his girlfriend over - get this - car keys.

This, on top of the Jeremy LeSueur fiasco a couple years ago, proves that there's only two places you can end up in Ypsi: dead or in jail (or Steak 'N Shake).

REALESTS TAKE AIM AT THE NEW YORK POST

Don't get me wrong: I love the "New York Post". Like everyone else in New York, I read it almost every day for Page Six and its attitude that says, "Who cares? It's only fashion".

But as responsible journalists ourselves, we feel it's our place to call them out. The Post is most famous for incorrectly announcing that John Kerry picked Dick Gephardt as his running mate in 2004, running it as a "Post exclusive".

I can live with that. But check out today's errors.

Here is the second line from their lead columnist's piece today on Tony La Russa: "Then he can he can bathe himself in sanctimony..."

But there's more...

Here is the final graph to an article about NBC's cost-cutting moves:

Part of the plan involves movng the operations of NBC-wned MSNBC from Secaucus o Rockefeller Center, where ome staff functions will be ombined with those of NBC ews and CNBC.

Who is the copy chief over there - Jayson Blair?

CALLI RYALS: FUTURE OSCAR WINNER

We don't want to turn this into a movie blog, but we've just been blown away by some recent perfomances. In "The Butterfly Effect", it was the fetus that put on a clinic in acting.

Now, it's former Michigan gymnast Calli Ryals that is looking at an Oscar nod for her big-screen debut in "Stick It".

And all we need is a screen shot to prove it:


(And yes, we realize this is really creepy)

REALESTS' NEWEST MOVIE RECOMMENDATION

So it's late and I'm bored, so I start watching "The Butterfly Effect" on FX. I catch the last half hour - a poor man's Donnie Darko, it at least keeps me entertained.

Afterwards, I inevitably end up on IMDB to read other people's reactions, where I find out the original "artsy" ending was canned by Hollywood.

I won't ruin the alternate ending for you guys, except to say Eric Bess and J. Mackye Gruber would have 10 Oscars if they hadn't been sold out (sorry about the foreign captions, but it's worth it).

If you just want the money maker, view from 1:40-2:30 on the clip... and grab a kleenex:



For those of you that still don't get it: Ashton Kutcher time travels back to when he was in the womb, strangling himself as a fetus to avoid his negative effect on other people around him. No, that is not a joke. Yes, the screenwriter is crazy.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL SATURDAY NOTEBBOOK

Normally I don't break down a single day of college football, but this was just a special Saturday. A couple thoughts:

1) I don't care what anyone says: Florida State's all-black uniforms were gangster. I especially liked how Nike "paid tribute" to the Seminole tribe by writing "Unconquered" down the pants. Unconquered? - that might be a stretch...

2) If John L. Smith isn't the Big Ten Coach of the Year, there is something seriously wrong with the voting process.

3) I bet you thought Pierre Rembert was a smack-head right now. Oh contrare monfrare: Rembert rushed for 230 yards for No. 3 Illinois State yesterday and is eyeing a National title.

4) Why isn't Michigan good more often? I mean, it just looks so damn easy for us right now. At least 5 players were intentionally trying to lose, and it still didn't matter.

5) Did anyone else throwup in their mouth watching Samardzija streak down the sideline for the game-winning TD?

6) It's really sad to watch Miami these days. Duke comes one play away from beating them. And when Willie Cooper picked it off, he couldn't even take it back for a Pick 6 before pulling something and crashing to the ground.

7) Maybe at 1-6, it's time for Pat Hill to stop instituting his "Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime" policy at Fresno State.

8) Where'd all the Garrett Wolfe hype go???? I guess that's what happens when you rush for a combined 76 yards on 22 carries in your last two games (yesterday they played Temple).


Idiot's savant

STADIUM RENOVATION PICTURES ARE UP

It appears we've been defeated and the Michigan Stadium renovation is in full gear now. Check out the photos the UM Athletic Department just released on the stadium.

Obviously the plans look pretty sweet, but they totally forgot to account for one thing: a modern building built on top of an old building just won't look good.

Ohio Stadium is the perfect example. The two layers of walls looks almost as awkward as the claymation dude in the photo.

We also find it very amusing that Ann Arbor News columnist Jim Carty has thrown his full support behind Bill Martin on this matter (as usual).

How much you wanna bet Martin promised Carty a heated seat and extra hot dogs in the press box in exchange for good pub?

THURSDAY MORNING PATRIOTIC HAIKU

We're going to flip the script today and get political. Like any model American, I'm reading Bob Woodward's new book, "State of Denial", which basically just puts President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld on blast.

The highlight of the book so far has been a man named Steve Rotkoff, a colonel that headed over to Kuwait after 9/11.

Apparently, Rostkoff liked to write haikus before he went to bed.

Check out on of his first poems:

Rumsfeld is a dick
Won't flow the forces we need
We will be too light.

It's good to know this is how problems are solved at the highest level of our government. I wonder how much time he spent on that...

UPDATE: CHRIS HUNTER IN POLAND

A couple weeks ago we informed you that Graham Brown was now ballin' in Portugal. Well now we've learned that Chris "Big Game" Hunter has followed suit and is playing in Poland (insert Polish joke here). We're sure Big Game is working on his 3-ball and is a short time away from "The League."


Screw hoops, getting ready for Beijing!

PACKERS GM RON WOLF PILES ON HENSON

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse for Drew Henson, people are coming out of the woodwork to kick him while he's down, namely Packers GM Ron Wolf. Take this excerpt from the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel:

At about the same time, Sherman telephoned Wolf and asked him if he would evaluate tapes of Henson's final collegiate season. Wolf hunkered down at his Annapolis, Md., home, studied every game and then gave Sherman the thumbs-down.

"He was like a yo-yo," Wolf recalled last week. "He finished with a flourish against Ohio State and Auburn in a bowl game. I (concluded) that he wasn't very good. But I had to reserve that because I didn't know anything about his arm or his athleticism. I always felt the most important thing at that position was to see a guy play live."

The Packers decided Henson was a player they could live without. It turned out to be one of Sherman's best personnel moves ever.

Dallas owner Jerry Jones did fall in love with Henson and traded a third-round pick to Houston on March 12. Henson was given an eight-year contract with lucrative guarantees based on minimal playing time. He still counts $2.678 million against the Cowboys' salary cap.

That August, Wolf spent a week in the Cowboys' training camp as a guest of his pal,
Parcells. Wolf said Parcells never asked him about Henson before the deal went down. However, a mutual acquaintance said Wolf tried to tell Parcells not to do it.

"He's out there in 7-on-7 and 11-on-11 and some (coach) is telling him where to go with the ball and he looks outstanding," Wolf said. "I'm thinking to myself, `Boy, I really missed this guy. It's terrible how bad I missed him.' "

Wolf visited Dallas in November, put on the exhibition tape and saw the same player that he didn't like at Michigan. His evaluation of Henson crystalized further on his week-long summer sojourns to camp in 2005 and `06.

"He's just not very good, and he got progressively worse," said Wolf. "They brought a kid (Matt Baker) in from North Carolina this year who definitely was better than Drew Henson. He is what he is. He can't play."

This summer, Parcells compared Henson to one of his former players who couldn't relax and would hyperventilate in the huddle. In 2004, Henson played the fourth quarter of one game, then started four days later on Thanksgiving and was benched at halftime. He never played again, surpassed in `05 by Burlington's Tony Romo as No. 2.

Hey Ron: if you're such a genius, why do you have one of the worst teams in football. And why'd you sign over-the-hill Charles Woodson to a 7-year deal?

We are now officially cheering against Aaron Rodgers...


Once Drew is reunited with DT and A-Train, he is going to wreck fools...

WHATCHU GON' DO? ACT A FOOL!

Surprisingly, the Miami Hurricanes are not the Realests of the Week. Rather, it's their color commentator that goes nuts in the booth about how nobody messes with the U.



Coming in a close second is Larry Johnson who, a week after bringing America to tears with his neck injury, rag-dolled Troy Polamalu by his hair. Very real (video coming soon).

10TH ANNIVERSARY OF LOSING TO PENN STATE

Even without Mario Manningham, we should pound Penn State in the face. Playing in Happy Valley at night might be one of the toughest atmospheres in college football, but Joe Pa's offense is boring to tears and Anthony Morelli is about as sweet as chlamydia.

But we're a little paranoid about tomorrow's game for one reason alone: we can't beat Penn State forever.

Do you know the last time we lost to PSU? 1996. That's right, Nov. 16, 1996 (we've won 7 straight after not playing in 2003 or '04).

I know this is cliche, but this is just to give you an idea of how long it's been:

Super Bowl Champion: Dallas Cowboys

Sporting Event: Atlanta Olympics

Chad Henne's Age: 11 years old

Michigan Basketball Coach: Steve Fisher (lost in 1st Rd. of NCAA Tournament)

Picture of the Year: The English Patient

Newsmaker: Yasser Arafat

Historic Event: Dolly the Sheep cloned

Historic Event #2: Wrestlemania 12


Yasser can't believe it's already been 10 years...

"HEY, TAKE IT EASY PSYCHO"

We apologizing for being a little behind. We just now found out about this psycho threatening Lloyd Carr.

There are a lot of psychos out there and who knows what this guy is capable of. Hopefully this guy gets locked up...

P.S. "Viva Lloyd!"

WHITE SOX HIT NEW LEVEL OF SELLING OUT

CHICAGO (AP) -- The Chicago White Sox have opened a new revenue stream. The American League club has sold its starting times to the Seven-Eleven convenience store chain. Next season, all of their weeknight home games will begin at -- you guessed it -- seven-eleven p.m.

IS THE DREW HENSON DREAM FINALLY DEAD?

Folks, it saddens me to report that Drew Henson has been cut - again (sigh). The guy can't even hack it for two weeks on the Vikings practice squad, playing for a coach that is a family friend?

This could be the last straw, folks.

We never thought we'd say this, but it might be time to give Johnny Cakes a call and see if he's interested in starting up a sporting goods store...


Maybe he could get his final year of eligibility back???

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Being over two years removed from college, sometimes we forget how ridiculous some of these kids are. Thanks to Ken Wall, we've discovered a Yale student that references this Internet video in his resume.

Well of course it was only a matter of time until it landed on YouTube and this guy became a human pinata:

Make sure to skip to the end when Aleksey supposedly starts actin' a fool and chops bricks in half. We think we have a George O'Leary situation - note how you never actually see his face while he is chopping the bricks and then it fades into him bowing.


And I thought the B-School was bad

Note: Thanks to Laju, we (unsurprisingly) have been informed this kid is a complete fraud. Like we said before, we are still most offended by the fake brick breaking...

CURRY COMMITS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE - AGAIN

You wanna talk about bad seeds...

Markus Curry is in the news again, arrested for "suspicion" of domestic violence. Yeah, this is the same guy that was arrested for beating up his girlfriend in South Quad in 2001, then cutting her phone line so she couldn't call the cops (the guy also got shot along with Carl Diggs, probably by putting himself in another bad situation).

Seeing as he has already been cut by the Chargers, who knows where Curry will end up....


Good riddance...

REALESTS' MOVIE PICK: "THE DEPARTED"

We don't go around endorsing things very often. Our last recommendation was month's ago - Superhead's "Confessions of a Video Vixen."

But last night we saw something everyone should experience: Martin Scorsese's "The Departed" (which somehow is already ranked in the IMDB top 200).

This man is a genius. By our count, SIX main characters get shot in the face. To avoid spoilers, we'll just say only one of these actors doesn't get popped in the grill:

Leo
Marky Mark
Matt Damon
Jack
"Teddy"
"Chase from 24"
Old Guy

We literally think Scorsese got the script, flipped to every scene where someone got shot and wrote in, "IN THE FACE!"


Martin

SCOOP JACKSON CLAPS BACK AT WHITLOCK

I can't believe I'm saying this, but read Scoop Jackson's latest column. In it, Scoop brings out the double bozacks against Jason Whitlock. Personally, we think they are both obnoxious. But this sure is entertaining.

WHO WILL BE THE SPARTANS' NEXT COACH?

We won't even spend time talking about how John L. Smith has lost his damn mind, as evidenced by last week's post-game presser.

There's no way Ron Mason will make the mistake of firing John L. mid-season after the Bobby Williams debacle. Williams got whacked after the 2002 Michigan game and MSU just got worse, losing 61-7 to Penn State in the season finale.

But we went ahead and looked at who is most likely to replace John L. after this season comes to a merciful end.

Coach: Steve Mariucci
Odds: 5-2
Current Job: NFL Network Analyst
Comment: "The People's Choice", Mooch would bring instant credibility to MSU and has the most impressive resume out there. We can already picture the introdcutory presser with Izzo - gross...

Coach: Tyrone Willingham
Odds: 10-1
Current Job: Washington Head Coach
Comment: Forget Washington's 4-1 record, you think Husky fans would be sad to see Willingham return to his alma mater? Doubtful.

Coach: Bobby Petrino
Odds: 12-1
Current Job: Louisville Head Coach
Comment: Don't be surprised if MSU turns to "the Ville" again for its head coach. Petrino has a much better resume than John L. Smith did when he was hired and is currently ranked 8th in the country playing with backups.

Coach: Tom Izzo
Odds: 50-1
Current Job: Michigan State Basketball Coach
Comment: If Trannon can do it, why not Izzo? We can already picture the Izzone at Spartan Stadium...

Coach: Bobby Williams
Odds: 100-1
Current Job: Miami Dolphins RB Coach
Comment: Our personal favorite. Does Kellen Winslow have any other kids?

Coach: Howard Schnellenberger
Odds: 1,000-1
Current Job: Florida Atlantic Head Coach
Comment: How about one washed-up former L'ville coach for another? And he kind of looks like Ron Mason...


Who's got next?

HAYNESWORTH: A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE

Everyone's acting like the Albert Haynesworth face stomp was completely out of character. We disagree.

From the AP this past May:

"Tennessee Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth is facing a charge of reckless endangerment after another motorist complained he tried to run a car off the highway.

The Smith County sheriff said Friday that a warrant for the arrest of Haynesworth was issued after James J. Bond filed a police report about a Sunday incident."

Are we reading that correctly - did Haynesworth really try and drive 007's mom off the road?

Now THAT'S something you don't see every day...


"You're mine now, Haynesworth..."

MICHIGAN FOOTBALL JAILHOUSE ANSWERS

Congratulations to Amish Shah, Brady and Jay - all of which aced the quiz. Everyone else can score their quizes here (note how The Michigan Daily is linked for every story):

In hindsight, we should have left out Todd Howard's accident with the old lady due to the severity of the accident - we hope she was OK.

1. d
2. k
3. n
4. f
5. o
6. i
7. h
8. l
9. m
10. a
11. b
12. g
13. c
14. j
15. e


Griese has always been a Rick's guy...

MICHIGAN FOOTBALL JAILHOUSE TRIVIA!

We've been thinking about doing this for awhile now - we finally got around to it.

All of us did stuff in college we regretted, but there's just something comedic about the trouble Michigan football players (and even coaches) get into. Without further adieu...

Match the former Michigan football player/coach and his brush with the law while in school!

Note: the most heinous crimes were intentionally left off the list (i.e. Markus Curry, Shantee Orr).

INCIDENT
1. Pounded fools at Cava Java
2. Brawled at Pizza House
3. Threw a beer bottle threw Scorekeepers' front window
4. Brought James Whitley and gun to challenge an ex-GF's new boyfriend
5. Drunken brawl outside Rick's with Michigan wrestler Mike Kulczycki
6. Solicited a prostitute in Ypsilanti
7. The "Mad Whacker" ('nuff said)
8. Allegedly hit person over the head with a bottle or ring at party
9. Hurt old lady driving recklessly
10. Urinated on floor of hometown Wisconsin bar
11. Busted for weed twice in 14 weeks
12. Scammed a K-Mart
13. Beat step-father with a bat
14. Busted for fake ID
15. Drunken rampage at Southfield's "Excalibur" restaurant (now extinct)

PLAYER/COACH
a. Adam Stenavich
b. Kelly Baraka
c. Charles Winters
d. Cato June & Larry Stevens (tag team, fool!)
e. Gary Moeller
f. David Terrell
g. Maurice Williams & Jonathan Goodwin
h. Larry Harrison
i. Jeremy LeSueur
j. Scott Dreisbach
k. Larry Foote
l. Marlin Jackson
m. Todd Howard
n. Brian Griese
o. Bennie Joppru

We apologize for not making it through the entire alphabet...

The first person to submit all the correct answers will automatically become Realest of the Week.

Answers will be posted soon!


James Whitley took the rap for one of his former teammates - do you know which one?