BRAYLON'S DOUCHERY KNOWS NO BOUNDARY

From Peter King's latest column (Note: How did we miss this?! Where were you guys on that one, dipshits?!):

"I've given my all to this city for four years, and I realize it will never be enough. I went to the Pro Bowl last year and resurrected this team from the darkness, and nobody cared... I've been doing all this community service in Cleveland. My charity efforts will only be in Detroit from now on.''

Don't take it out on da kids, Bray! Not the kids!!!!!!

So because the Dawg Pound heckles the shit out of Braylon, Lil Ray Ray still has to walk barefoot to school every day in the snow? Yeah, that makes sense.

We're sure Team Braylon is in the war room right now working on damage control and will bust out a monster check to a Cleveland Children's Fund. Whatever Bray...

ROB PARKER GETS LOW

Rob Parker is starting to make Drew Sharp look like Bob Woodward.

Just in case you missed the Lions' postgame presser, here is a direct question from the Detroit News columnist to coach Rod Marinelli about his son-in-law, Joe Barry:

"Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?"

You sir, are an asshole. We have 0 sympathy for Marinelli (to his credit, so does he), but openly mocking someone in a press conference after they just got their brains beat in again is low even for us bloggers.

Expect some major backlash on this one 24 hours from now considering Parker's recent controversy and the hatred for him on the blogosphere - "The Big Lead" calls him the Worst Columnist in America.

And expect TONS of e-mails saying, "Why don't you bring back my delivery and instead cut costs by firing this hack." Should be fun.

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS

Brace yourselves folks: Season 5 of LOST premieres exactly one month from today. As always, this is the place for any and all things Lost. Now take a deep breath:



Doesn't that just give you goose bumps? (No homo)

RON ENGLISH TO EMU......... WOW

What's with former Michigan coordinator flame-outs getting jobs left and right? First Stan Parrish landed at Ball State, now Ron English is the head coach at Eastern.

Hey, how about Scott Shafer to the Lions - why not?!

In all seriousness - putting the 2007 debacle behind us - congrats to English. There's no tougher job than being a D1 assistant and there can be no feeling like walking into your new stadium for the first time and thinking to yourself, "I own this bitch."

Here's hoping he gets that morbid program turned around but still enjoys a good Big Blue beatdown every couple years.

BEAVER!

We know what you're thinking: Beaver backed out, must see what The Realests have to say.

Well you're in luck.

According to a source very close to the situation, Lloyd Carr stormed into Bill Martin's office today after watching game tape of Shavodrick and screamed, "NO BLACK QUARTERBACK WILL EVER BE A MICHIGAN MAN!!!!!!!!!!" after which Martin immediately pulled his scholarship.

We can't verify that it's true. But we're 99.99% sure it is.

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

Murphy Lee: Easily one of the best 22,000 rappers of our time. Enjoy:

NOTE TO BILL MARTIN

Time to open the check book!

Screw the athletic budget surplus and the economy.

With Scott Shafter's resignation, there's only one sure thing for the open Michigan D coordinator position, and that's the man we let get away last season - Jeff Casteel.

What can we say: we love these crazy gimmick defenses!

Former Auburn DC Paul Rhoads is a decent fall-back plan IF he doesn't flee to Iowa State, but is our next-best option really Notre Dame's Corwin Brown? The same guy that let Sam McGuffie run laps around his swiss cheese defense? We'll pass.

Casteel might turn us down again but we know one thing: After one season under Bill Stewart, we'd either be headed for greener pastures or a straight jacket. It's time to back the dump truck up to his Morgantown home and see just how loyal he is to WVU. We're already knee-deep in shit and while some alumni will go crazy throwing more money at the football program right now, this is our chance to get it right.

'Nuff said.

BRAYLON EDWARDS ACTS A FOOL - AGAIN

Bray, we tried to warn you last night. Every time you open your mouth, bad shit happens.

Cleveland fans are irate in response to Edwards' post-MNF interview. Here are some choice cuts:

"Since day one I've been a marked man coming from Michigan."

Bray, are you really playing that card? Cleveland might be Ohio State Country but that's really weak. The fact is Cleveland is full of Neanderthals that chuck beers on the field, heckle opponents over their dead mothers and break their QBs down to tears. Toughen up.

"I've learned being here I'm very under appreciated, not by the organization..not the organization, but in the eyes of the fans and the city."

Your team is 4-10 and hasn't scored a TD in four games and you're among the league leader in drops. What exactly is the correct level of appreciation for that output again? Hey, weren't you just comparing yourself to LeBron?

"It's not even frustrating anymore...I mean it's been that way, we haven't scored a touchdown in four games..which is pretty embarrassing..so for me it's not even frustrating anymore."

Oh boy, the old "I'm only looking out for No. 1" routine. That will surely win over Browns fans!

"Right now I'm having fun - I mean we didn't win the game but I was out there and when I lined up I was having fun."

You have fun getting the shit kicked out of you? Herm Edwards would like to see you for a second:

BREAKING NEWS: NON-PARRISH-ABLE!!!!!

That's right, folks. You heard it here first: Stan Parrish, the former Michigan offensive coordinator run out of town after the 2002 Citrus Bowl Massacre, will be the new head coach of Ball State.

Granted, it's the MAC. But the fact this man has a head coaching gig on the terms he left Michigan - and considering he was a ridonkulous 2-30-1 during his last head coaching job at Kansas State - simply boggles the mind.

And not only is Parrish back in the saddle again - fans were even fighting over this guy!

It would be easy to poke fun at Parrish's last season at Michigan one more time (although right now the triad of Navarre, Askew and Walker looks like Montana, Craig and Rice), but you have to give the guy props for completely reinventing himself and becoming an "offensive guru."

With Nate Davis and MiQuale Lewis back next year, the Birds will be a serious threat to repeat the MAC and - dare we say it - challenge for a BCS bowl!!! (No, we don't dare.)

On to the Toilet Bowl!

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SAY THIS

Michelle Tafoya just came on for a MNF preview with this: "Braylon Edwards said he is starting to get settled in this season."

Bray: Please tell me you didn't use those words before your team's Week 15 game. Please tell me this is just the media hating on you again.

Otherwise, this could be worse than talking about your "war cologne."

"I SEEN HOOP DREAMS DEFLATE..."

The first person to finish this sentence correctly gets a free bottle of Armadale...

Update: One bottle of Armi heading to:

Conseco Fieldhouse
125 S. Pennsylvania St.
Indianapolis, IN 46204

SDSU? IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

A real head-scratcher from former Michigan assistant Brady Hoke, who has reportedly taken the job at San Diego State University (no word on whether Stan "The Man" Parrish will be joining him, but we assume that's the case).

Is this really the best a 12-1 season at Ball State will get you???

Obviously if the Aztecs AD lost his mind SMU-style and threw truck loads of money at Hoke, then stop reading this post now.

But we don't see that happening at a school that hasn't had a winning record in an entire decade. Or maybe Marshall Faulk is coming back for a second tour of duty.

How this looks - as of now - is that Hoke got stuck standing up during a game of musical chairs. Said to be in the running for the Auburn job, this seems like a complete knee-jerk reaction to ditch his alma mater for the slightest step up the coaching ladder.

Yeah, a lot of jobs just got taken (K-State, Syracuse, Auburn, Clemson and Mississippi State).

But why in the world take the job now when there are openings at BCS schools like Washington and Iowa State (Update: How could we forget Steve Sarkisian like that?!)?

If nothing else, why not stick around for one more year, ride Nate Davis' coat tails to another MAC crown and wait for possible openings at schools like Louisville, Notre Dame, Indiana, Colorado and The U.?

Are we missing something here???

Mark our words: He'll regret this decision next year when he's stuck inside the armpit known as Qualcomm Stadium while Buffalo's Turner Gill is naming his price.

SHITBALLS

Thanks to the tip below, we checked out Busta Rhymes' "Arab Money."



And we wonder why people hate us? This is currently being shown in terrorist training camps across Pakistan - right between the climbing wall and the monkey bars.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Not Tim Tebow - Bob Tebow.

If you are not watching the College Football Awards on ESPN, you are missing out on some of the greatest unintentional comedy in televised history.

After Hannah Storm's eloquent feature on Tim Tebow circumsizing kids in Southeast Asia, his dad, Bob, dropped this bombshell when asked by Lee Corso what made him most proud as a father.

"I'm the most proud of how he treats people. I remember after his freshman year - the LSU game - when he had that first jump pass and you guys were talking about him on national television.

Later that night, we went to dinner and a little boy kind of hovering behind him and didn't know what to say. Timmy sensed him and turned around and talked to him for awhile and found something for him to sign and gave it to him.

And I turned to him and said, 'Son, that was the best play of the day.' "

Wait... is this guy for real???

NEW HOTNESS

How does Jim Jones do it? Every time he comes out with a new song my first reaction is "Complete garbage."

The second time I listen to it? "Instant classic!"

He's like George "Co-stan-za!" in that way:



Needless to say, we've been pouring bottles of Andre all over our heads for the past week-and-a-half.

END OF THE AMAKER COACHING TREE?

The Tommy Amaker Coaching Tree is in serious jeopardy of getting chopped down after its lone branch, Eastern Michigan coach Charles Ramsey, was suspended yesterday for three days after an altercation with a student.

EMU says it was "nothing serious" but the suspension says otherwise.

We aren't tied into the Ypsilanti Rumor Mill and have no idea what Ramsey did, but it sure sounds like Ramsey flipped a heckler the bird or something of that nature.

That's not good when your coaching record is 36-63 - even at Eastern.

But hey, we hear Boston is lovely this time of year...

Editor's Note: Simply put: We almost lost to a Savannah State team that just got clubbed by Georgetown, 100-38. But who needs polls when we've got our dancin' shoes on?!?!

I'M SAD YOU'RE DEAD

Dear Wallace,

I'm sorry that you're dead.



I'm sorry that you're best friends in the world killed you over some bullshit. I'm sorry that D'Angelo didn't have the foresight to realize the terrible things that were going to happen to you. I'm sorry that the Baltimore Police Department refused to put you up in a proper witness protection program and instead, sent you down to the shore, unsupervised, to be with family members that hadn't seen you in 7 years. I'm sorry that the sound of crickets, of peace and quiet, drove you crazy and back to the Pit and West Baltimore. I'm sorry that West Baltimore is all you knew and felt comfortable knowing. I'm sorry that you never got a chance to go back to Edmonson and enroll yourself in the 9th grade.


I'm sorry that Bodie and Poot put the game over their friendship with you. I'm sorry that Bodie didn't realize soon enough that the soldiers in the game are just pawns and that you don't move up to a position of power - you just get used. I'm sorry that I ever liked Stringer Bell. I'm sorry that I never noticed how absolutely evil and manipulative he was when he called Bodie over to his car and asked him if he was ready to put in work. I'm sorry that the police found your body because someone had to leave an anonymous tip saying that an animal had died in a vacant. I'm sorry your mom didn't care about you enough to want to know where you were. I'm sorry I ever celebrated Bodie as a hero of the show and sorry that I felt bad for Poot when we found out he was working a 9 to 5 at Foot Locker. I'm sorry that when people talk about the kids in The Wire, they talk about Namond, Dukie, Michael and Randy and forget about you. I'm sorry that "Stop Snitching" was ever invented.


I'm sorry that you're dead.

BROKEN ENGLISH

Poor Ron English.

Was it really just two years ago that he was THE hot coordinator in college football and people in Ann Arbor dreaded that he'd bounce to another D1 job before Lloyd Carr retired?

Man that seems like a long time ago.

Instead, he ended up at UL with Steve Krapthorpe.

This year he did a decent job of turning around the abysmal Louisville defense and had himself in the running for the head coaching gigs at San Diego State and Eastern Michigan.

But we've just got this feeling they're both going to head in another direction.

That's what 6 Mike Teel TDs will do to you - in the first half!

THE REVENGE

Thanks to The Dude, stumbled across this bit from The Knicks Blog about who they should pick up in the case of Cuttino Mobley's retirement:

"But for me, with the need for shotblocking help, Walsh should look to former Michigan standout Courtney Sims who is eating up the D league early averaging 8 blocks and 14 rebounds."

You read that correctly: eating up the D league.

The only thing we remember Sims eating up at Michigan was elbows to the face.

Sims' current statline? 20.3 PPG, 12.0 RPG, 5.7 BPG - which includes a season-opening triple-double (22 PTS, 17 REB, 11 BLK).

Somewhere, Dr. James Naismith is rolling over in his grave.

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

We'll be the first to admit this Old School Jam sucks. It just has a special place in our hearts. So eat it:

ANOTHER R.O.Y. CONTENDER

You know how the movie studios jam the Oscar favorites down your throat this time of year to stay fresh in voters' minds?

Well that's about how we feel with the Realest of the Year honors when - in the course of 4 days - Plax caps himself, Starbury goes off on an incoherent rant and Sean Avery calls Elisha Cuthbert "sloppy seconds."

(Seriously, why won't major media outlets use the phrase? It took me over a minute to find what Avery finally said. The shame.)

And there's still 27 days left!

Pace yourselves, people!

SPORTSWRITING GONE WRONG

We've never taken issue with Dan Wetzel - until now.

Dude, you can't seriously think TROY (TROY!!!) should play for the national title:

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We'd all but given 2008 Realest of the Year honors to Chad Ocho Cinco after he legally changed his name. When the NFL put the kibosh on his new jersey, we were expecting a complete circus. Instead? The guy hasn't acted a fool once. We guess he's too busy playing crap football.

Well Stephon Marbury is setting the new standard for NBA cancers (watch your back, Ricky D) by - this season alone - refusing to play and blasting his teammates on the way out the door:

"They left me out for dead. It's like we're in a foxhole and I'm facing the other way. If I got shot in the head, at least you want to get shot by the enemy. I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."

Stephon: At no point were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. We award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

Editor's Note: So true, Singer... Plax will get his due.