BASKETBALL'S ALL-WHITE TRASH TEAM

If you can't tell, we're really excited about the new NBA season.

While discussing the absurdity of Brad Miller's cornrows and Robert Swift's tattoos, it dawned upon us: There's a lot of white trash in basketball these days.

I mean you expect these guys in NASCAR, but guys looking like Miller and Swift competing with the best athletes in the world? It's mind boggling, actually.

We'd go so far as to say white trash are the new Euro trash.

Well the creative juices got flowing and we decided to assemble the finest white trash in hoops. We present to you The All-White Trash Team.

Note: As obvious by Patrick Sparks' First-Team selection, teams decided by their level of white trash, not play.

FIRST TEAM

PG: Jason Williams

Yeah, the guy's friends with Randy Moss. He's also a guy nicknamed White Chocolate from Charleston, West Virginia with "white boy" tattooed on his knuckles and a son named Jaxon. Not convinced? Take this exchange between Williams and a Golden State fan that happened to be Asian back in 2001: "I will shoot you Asian motherf******. Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that." Lovely.

SG: Patrick Sparks

When this guy showed up at UK, he was a real innovator with the Neo-Nazi look. Aside from a miraculous 3-pointer against Michigan State in the 2005 Elite Eight, Sparks will be remembered as one of the worst defenders in SEC history. He's currently playing for a club team named Giessen in Germany. Coincidence?

SF: Chris Andersen

Birdman!!!! A Realests favorite, Andersen's been a ghost since his suspension from the NBA in January of 2006 for a failed drug test, biding his time until reinstatement by perfecting his Slam Dunk Contest routine (a MUST see YouTube clip).

PF: Kevin Pittsnogle

Just when you thought you'd heard this guy's name for the last time, he pops up here. There's really no explanation needed for this infamous West Virginian. By the way, he's currently overseas in France.

C: Robert Swift

The 12th overall pick in the 2004 NBA Draft, Big Red's the only white dude taken straight out of high school (for a before picture, click here). Apparently he decided he needed some street cred once he got to the league because he has 15 tattoos at last count a year ago. And no, being half-Japanese doesn't get him off the hook as white trash. In two injury plagued seasons, he's averaged 5 points in 63 total games (by the way, he's currently hurt again). Those are Nikoloz Tskitishvili numbers! In case you were wondering, guys the Sonics passed up in the 2004 draft include Al Jefferson, Josh Smith and Kevin Martin. Oopsie.

SECOND TEAM

PG: The Professor (a.k.a. Grayson Boucher)

Sorry, dawg. We love The Professor as much as anyone else, but with that Dumb and Dumber haircut, he was a no-brainer.

SG: Mike Miller

Just another country boy when he hit it big with Florida, after 7 seasons in the NBA his style has become impregnable: A grimey goatee, a "Miller Time" tattoo over his heart and a girlie headband. Can someone explain to us how this guy is getting paid $8 million a year?

SF: Scot Pollard

We apologize profusely for never naming Pollard the Realest of the Week after looking into a camera last year and saying, "Hey kids, do drugs." Now a member of the rejuvenated Celtics, we're expecting Pollard to have an LSD flashback any day now on the bench.

PF: Brad Miller

Really worked hard in the preseason to make the team by clocking Devin Harris (granted, Harris is a notorious flopper) and wilin' out with some cornrows. Only 6 days until the first Swift-Miller showdown of the season. Get your bozacks ready.

C: Chris Kaman

We know, we know. We can't believe Chris Kaveman is a second teamer either. He took the news really hard when we broke it to him, especially after sporting this look. Swift just had too much upside. Maybe next year, Chris.

ETERNAL DL

SF: Adam Morrison

With all you guys have written in, what's left to ponder? We're going to put the over/under on his number of games left in the NBA at 30.

And yes, we are absolute buffoons for initially forgetting Morrison. We feel like Will Ferrell in the locker room of "Old School" after failing to jump through the hoop of fire.... IDIOT!!!!!

First-Ballot Hall of Famers:
Cherokee Parks
Larry Bird
Bryant "Big Country" Reeves

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We still have a hard time believing this picture isn't photoshoped or a look-alike, but it appears Jon Kitna dressed up for Halloween as the Lions assistant coach that got wasted, naked and drove to a Wendy's drive thru.

Humiliating a former teammate or coach scores very, very highly at The Realests and we've got to admit, Kitna is the last person we expected this from after the Minnesota Miracle talk.

Touche, Jon.

(As always, Drew Sharp is here to ruin the fun again...)

BRAD MILLER: AMERICAN BADASS

What's gotten into Brad Miller?

The last we checked, dude was a hick from Purdue that's fortunate he's not getting fed through a tube right now.

Apparently he's heard one too many white oaf jokes and decided to go Robert Swift on us.

Now the guy is clocking Devin Harris in preseason games and sporting this new look. We like to call it Magnum:



Between Ron Artest, the new Thug Life Brad Miller and losing 50 games, Reggie Theus is going to have his hands full this year...

NBA 2007-08 REALESTS PREDICTIONS

You have no idea how pumped we are for tomorrow night. As NBA super fans, we seriously doubt anyone appreciates 5 hard-fought minutes of basketball a night more than The Realests.

Forget what the so-called experts have predicted about this upcoming NBA season - it's time for we break down the 2007-08 season like woah:

WEEZY F. BABY'S PICKS

Eastern Conference Playoff Seeds:

1) Boston Celtics
I hate Boston, but KG is gonna tear through the East

2) Chicago Bulls
After thumping Heat in playoffs, time to take next step

3) Washington Wizards
Can't have the playoffs without some hibachi

4) Detroit Pistons
The Pistons will just keep slipping a little bit until they decide to blow this thing up

5) Cleveland Cavaliers
No Pavlovic, no Varejao and Hughes will miss half the season with a boo-boo on his finger again

6) New Jersey Nets
The Michigan football of the league - middle of the pack, same as always

7) Miami Heat
Will make the playoffs solely on Dwyane Wade's greatness

8) Orlando Magic
Dwight Howard is about to take over the title of Best Big in the league

Eastern Conference Finals: Chicago Bulls over Boston Celtics

Western Conference Playoff Seeds:

1) Dallas Mavericks
Great at winning when it doesn't count... Eddie Jones should put the Mavs over the top this year - yeah right

2) Phoenix Suns:
... So should Grant Hill (note dripping sarcasm)

3) Utah Jazz
Is the Northwest Division (DEN, MIN, POR, SEA, UTAH) the new Atlantic Division?

4) San Antonio Spurs
Wake this team up in June, but Bowen can't wait to kick Wally in the face

5) Houston Rockets
Yaosers, it's time to play more than 50 games in a season!

6) Golden State Warriors
If they deal for Artest, immediately move to #2

7) Denver Nuggets
Too many headcases - I forsee a massive implosion and a huge feud between AI and George Karl

8) L.A. Lakers
Wonder if Zen Master knows how to say "early exit" in Mandarin by now...

Western Conference Finals: San Antonio Spurs over Dallas Mavericks

NBA Finals: San Antonio Spurs over Chicago Bulls

MVP: The King!
Everyone else on this team should be in the D League

Coach of the Year: Reggie Theus
We've all seen what he can do...

Breakout Player: Julie Conner
A more athletic J.J. Redick, she's going to spread zone defenses with that 3-ball

Most Overrated Player: Allen Iverson (Runner-up: Paul Pierce)
Notice how the 76ers got better w/o him?

Rookie of the Year After Durant: Acie Law IV (Runner-up: Courtney Sims)
Law & Joe Johnson are a solid start for our 2015 purchase of the Hawks (Sims is signed!)

Biggest Rookie Bust: Brandan Wright
Unless he learns how to fly with those ears... then all bets are off

Knicks Record: 40-42
Isiah will never coach a winning team - never!!!!!!!!

T'Wolves Record: 17-65
Will squeak by worst record ever (9-73) after playoff seeds are locked in

Kobe's Destination: L.A. Lakers

V. DOT'S PICKS

Eastern Conference Playoff Seeds:

1) Chicago Bulls
Baby Bulls are all growns up

2) Boston Celtics
Big 3 is all it takes to get the 2 seed in the East

3) Washington Wizards
Agent Zero back with a vengeance this year

4) Detroit Pistons
Shades of 2004... Be afraid, be very afraid

5) Cleveland Cavaliers
Biggest let down of the season

6) Miami Heat
Ricky D works his magic

7) New Jersey Nets
Loss of Mikki Moore will take a while to heal

8) Orlando Magic
A max contract on Rashard still gives you an 8 seed

Eastern Conference Finals: Detroit Pistons over Boston Celtics

Western Conference Playoff Seeds: (with accompanying rhyme time)

1) Phoenix Suns
1st seed - Nash's nose bleed

2) Dallas Mavericks
Mental headcases; hide the shoelaces

3) Utah Jazz
Deron; not quite LeBron

4) San Antonio Spurs
Popovich? What a bitch!

5) Houston Rockets
Rick Adelman? I'm no fan!

6) Golden State Warriors
Hello fellas, this is Monta Ellis...

7) Denver Nuggets
The altitude is high, good for AI

8) L.A. Lakers
Bynum time-um

Western Conference Finals: San Antonio Spurs over Dallas Mavericks

NBA Finals: Detroit Pistons over San Antonio Spurs

MVP: LeBron James
He's a jerk, but very good at basketball; he might be on the juice

Coach of the Year: Doc Rivers
He's a doctor in coachology!

Breakout Player: Jason Maxiell
Time to shine with playing time!

Most Overrated Player: Luis Scola
Heard waaaaaaaay too much about him already

Rookie of the Year After Durant: Kevin Durant
He's that good

Biggest Rookie Bust: Greg Oden
0 games played

Knicks Record: 25-57
What a disaster

T'Wolves Record: 1-81
YOU NEVER TRADE AWAY RICKY D!

Kobe's Destination: Miami Heat

WHATCHOO TALKIN 'BOUT QADRY?

It's quite possible that I have suffered a complete meltdown after watching the 52-7 thrashing of the Redskins and am no longer capable of a cohesive thought, but I think I just witnessed a YouTube sensation in the making on ESPNEWS.

Here is Qadry Ismail explaining why the Patriots didn't pull their starters sooner in Sunday's blowout win. Believe it or not, this is a word-for-word transcript:

Mike Hill: So they’re trying to make a statement before the statement of next week. Is that what you’re trying to say?

The Missle: They could be stating the statement about the statement of having an understated game. So to avoid the understated game they will make a statement type game on a stage where statements are needed to be made.

Mike Hill: Man, what state are you from? What are you saying, now? What are you talking ‘bout?

Wow. We'll take a clip of that any day over 15 laterals.

Let's just stick to the script, shall we Qadry?

MANNINGHAM BUSTED FOR A DWB

This has to be the oddest football-player-arrested story I've seen as a Michigan Man (what am I talking about?!?! How could I disrespect Larry Harrison like that???). You gotta love Mario Manningham's grandfather.

Does this read like a Jeopardy story to anyone else? The only thing missing is the attorney saying that Manningham will plead out to a misdemeanor of Driving While Black and Lloyd Carr quoting Harry Truman on the matter.

YOU TELL 'EM LANCE

Lance Bass in today's New York Daily News about his "feud" with 50 Cent to sell more books:

"50, I don't want to playa-hate, but there's a lot that my book has. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any relationships with guys in that book. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any space training, either."

Uh, yeah.... You really got him there, Lance.

HOW DESPERATE ARE THE MIAMI HEAT?

We are officially jacked up for the NBA season.

Already giddy after reading a rival GM state in Sports Illustrated yesterday that he expects Ricky to be in "full get-mine mode" this season, Ricky D is headed to South Beach.

With Kevin McHale's dream of fielding the worst NBA team in league history incomplete, as you know he dealt Ricky Buckets and Blount Dog to the Miami Heat for Cybertoine and other pieces of junk.

If we know Ricky, there will be no shortage of drama this season in South Beach.

With a Heat jersey already on the way to New York, we put together the official Ricky Davis over/under line for the number of games it will take him to do a variety of crazy shit.

100: Smash Shaq's big toe with a hammer. He won't be around that long, but don't ever underestimate Ricky Davis.

75: Punch Dwyane Wade in the face. Expect all hell to break loose toward the end of the season and Rick was immediately shipped out of Cleveland after allegedly cussing out LeBron.

25: Force Pat Riley into "leave of absence" (a.k.a. retirement). A bad knee and hip forced him out in 31 last year... Ricky could do that in his sleep.

15: Caught in an orgy doing rounds of coke with his new best friends Jason Williams and The Playmaker. Man, Ricky is going to love Miami.

12: Responds to lecture by Riley with, "Fuck that shit, bitch!"

10: Pull a page out of Richard Jefferson's book, gang up on Zo with Jason Williams and call Zo a "whiny ass bitch" over his kidney.

OFF: Shoot on his own hoop. Let's not forget Ricky's still looking for Ricky's first triple-double, baby!

Can't wait another week to see Ricky Buckets in action? Neither can we:

NORTHWESTERN: DISGRACE OF NCAA HOOPS

Congratulations to Mr. Marbury and TacoBellManager, who correctly answered that NORTHWESTERN is the only BCS school never to make the Big Dance.

Although if you just looked it up on Wikipedia, are props really deserved? I guess not.

For a full (albeit outdated) list of schools waiting for their first bid, click here.

Anyway, the fact this isn't up there with "The Buccaneers have never returned a kick return for a TD" is inexcusable. It should be announced before every home game as self-flatulence (yeah, we said it, self-flatulence... not to be confused with self-flagellation... I mean, that'd just be stupid) until they qualify.

This is beyond pathetic. Michigan basketball is pathetic. This is altogether impotent.

TacoBellManager was also correct about Holy Cross. They won the whole thing in 1947. Kind of crazy to think we have as many b-ball titles as Holy Cross.

COLLEGE HOOPS POP QUIZ

With Minnesota on the docket this weekend, The Realests are starting to get hyped about college basketball season, aside the fact Michigan might not even make the NIT this year (heaven forbid!) By the way, Bill Martin doesn't get nearly enough shit for hiring a coach straight off winning an NIT title - Beilen's a great coach, but come on, that's funny.

We gotta admit, a big piece of us is going to miss Tommy Amaker (gotta love this picture: Put that bozack away T.A.!)

Anyway, we decided we'd drop some knowledge on you fools with the most eye-opening trivia since our Super Bowl QBs/Presidents brainbuster.

Q: Which is the only BCS school NEVER to qualify for the NCAA Tournament?

BONUS QUESTION

Q: What is the furthest a Patriot League team has even gone in the Big Dance?

Update:

#1: USF is a great guess since they just joined the Big East and haven't had a program very long - but it's incorrect (they've gone twice by the way).

#2: Bucknell is not correct either - granted, this is kind of a trick question...

#3: Michigan is not the answer. Guys, we are way too stupid to think of that kind of flip.

#4: Winning the Fiesta Bowl didn't make Boise a BCS school. BCS Conferences are the ACC, Big 12, Big East, Big 10, Pac-10 and SEC. This team is in one of those conferences.

DON'T PASS OUT THESE FOAM THINGIES

I'm sure we're way late to the party on this one, but THIS just boggled the mind. His wife and kids must be proud.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Update: Apparently, the No Fun League has pulled the clip. Sorry folks.

For anyone that saw yesterday's Vikings-Cowboys game, this can't be a surprise, people.

We hadn't seen anything this real since Ricky Davis blew a dunk, only to get the ball back and do a windmill with the Celtics a couple years back.

That is until yesterday.

In case you missed it: the Vikings' Ben Leber scooped up a fumble, lateraled the it to teammate Cedric Griffin in a very pirate-like fashion. Griffin then... well, that's what YouTube is for:



The point: Anyone that breaks out a Deion Sanders dance into the end zone 2 seconds after making a complete ass of himself is OK in our book (gotta love the random reggaetone in the clip).

Oh yeah, this doesn't hurt either.

BET ON KENTUCKY? DON'T JUMP!

You know that commercial where the dad is running along the sidewalk, when suddenly he breaks down crying and The Voice comes on to say, “Don’t Gamble Your Life Away”?

Well did anyone else think of that commercial after watching the conclusion of yesterday’s Kentucky-Florida game, in which Kentucky scored a TD at the gun but didn't kick the extra point?

Final score: Florida 45, Kentucky 37.

Line: Kentucky +7.

Yoinks.

Well due to some outstanding report from the L.A. Times’ Peter Yoon, we know the reaction:

A new, but obscure college football rule caused some confusion and uproar in Las Vegas on Saturday after Florida defeated Kentucky, 45-37, barely covering the seven-point spread.

Kentucky scored a touchdown on the game's final play, yet rather than attempt an extra point, the Wildcats, following an NCAA rule put in play last season, walked off the field while the Gators celebrated.

The rule states that "if a touchdown is scored during a down in which time in the fourth period expires, the try shall not be attempted unless the point(s) would affect the outcome of the game."

Las Vegas Hilton sports book director Jay Kornegay said Kentucky backers thought they were going to get a push, and Florida supporters started to deflate.

"That all quickly changed when the crowd began to realize the rule," Kornegay told the Associated Press.

"The reversal of fortune happened within just a few seconds. It was priceless."

We're glad the guy running the sports book takes comfort in situations that could lead to multiple suicides. Only in Vegas.

As the leading conspiracy theorists in sports (says who? we do, that's who...), we'd like to point out that Urban Cryer sprinted across the field as soon as Kentucky scored, confusing Old Man River Rich Brooks and eventually resulting in the 8-point lead. Coincidence, or is Meyer the new Pete Rose?

WHAT'S REALLY HOOD, FAM??

You know you jerks have done the same thing. Don't think for one second that you look cooler than these bozos, either. You look worse.

THE COACHING CAROUSEL FROM HELL

You guys know how it works: A college coach leaves for a better job (in this case the NFL), causing a chain reaction of coaching changes with guys clawing and scratching their way to more prestigious jobs.

Well we challenge anyone to find a more disastrous coaching carousel set off when Bobby Petrino left for the Atlanta Falcons. Behold:

Atlanta Falcons: Right off the bat, let's admit the power-hungry Petrino never had a chance this year after the Michael Vick saga unfolded. But the nightmare in Atlanta just started once Vick pleaded guilty to dog fighting charges. After going a respectable 7-9 last year, the Falcons are 1-5 and have averaged 13 points per game.

Louisville Cardinals: Despite this disastrous start, the folks in Louisville sure miss Bobby P. They've been stuck with Steve "Krapthorpe," who has no excuses for his team's play. He's run Louisville into the ground with a team that was supposed to compete for a national title, led by the possible #1 overall pick in the 2008 NFL Draft. Yeah, they were probably way overrated to begin with, but losing to Syracuse, Utah and Connecticut is ridiculous, the last of which was a complete meltdown.

But those two you already know about.

Tulsa Golden Hurricane: What you didn't know is that Kragthorpe's successor at Tulsa isn't faring much better. After turning around one of the most pathetic programs in college football at Rice, Todd Graham doesn't look like a genius anymore. At just 4-3, the Golden Hurricane got rocked by UCF yesterday, 44-23, coming off a loss to UTEP and squeaking out a victory over Marshall.

Rice Owls: Meanwhile, Rice is busy being.... well, Rice. While Rutgers got all the attention, Rice had a Cinderella season of its own, going to its first bowl game since 1961. Despite returning the dynamic duo (did I really just say that?) of QB Chase Clement and WR Jarrett Dillard, the Owls and new coach David Bailiff are 1-6 after stumbling out of the blocks with a Michiganesque loss to Division I-AA Nicholls State.

Texas State: Just for fun, we decided to track Bailiff's old school, which are really starting to resemble the team from Unnecessary Roughness right now (seriously, we'll take Scott Bakula at QB any day over this guy). The Bobcats just picked up their second win of the season after 5 straight losses by an average of 25 points (Note: Their coach - Brad Wright - used to be the team's offensive line coach, which we'll just go out on a limb and say sucks right now as well).

Seriously, can't these guys just get on one big conference call with Arthur Blank and the schools ADs and work out an agreement where everyone goes back to their old job before they are fired? Sure, it'd leave the Falcons without a football coach for the last 10 games, but would their fans even notice?

Very doubtful...

GREATEST SPORTSCENTER COMMERCIAL?

Two things are apparent from the latest "This is SportsCenter" commercial:

#1: It's right up there as the greatest of all-time with this, this, this, this (Gotta give a shout-out to the Daily alum, and for inspiring two parts in the Zoolander walk-off scene - found at and 1:00 and 1:40) and the Western Kentucky Hilltopper filing tapes in the basement (how is that not on YouTube?!).

#2: Jim Kelly needs to lay off the cheeseburgers!

It's criminal that you can't even find Xavier's Blue Bob on the Internet - he's clearly a comedic genius:

THE RESURRECTION OF TONY ALMEIDA

We bet you thought Tony Almeida was dead, didn't you?

Didn't you? Didn't you?! DIDN'T YOU?!??!?!?!?!?!??!

Alas, the writers of "24" have either completely lost it or got their swag back by bringing T.A. back from the dead. From executive producer Howard Gordon:

"Tony's uncertain fate near the end of 'Day 5' left the door open for his return. And since there was no silent clock at the conclusion of his last appearance the 24 tribute to a major character's demise, we always kept this as a possibility."

(No word on whether the beloved cougar from Season 2 will return as well.)

Hmm, we wouldn't call getting stabbed in the heart with a syringe and being ruled dead for an entire season very ambiguous. But at this point Tony coming back from the dead is the least of 24's plausibility concerns. Another strong indication that Gordon has turned to acid to get the creative juices flowing again is this disturbing quote confirming Michelle Dessler's death:

"No, she's definitely six feet under. Believe me, I know. We thought about that, too. Then we thought that everybody's dead except for Jack, and he's seeing ghosts."

The reverse Sixth Sense? Let's just stick with what works: Jack screaming and torturing people!

YOU CALL THIS A JINX??

You overreactionary blowhards have really done it this time.

Vince Young strains a quad and you think that the Madden Jinx has gotten to him?

Give us a break. This is nowhere near the power of the curse.

He strained his quad!!!! That's it!! That's a lightweight injury! Madden doesn't even get out of bed for a strained quad - give him his due when someone breaks a leg or goes to jail or retires unexpectedly. But don't put this weak crap on him.

You poor saps have really doomed the next coverboy for the game. Because you know Madden is pissed off that THIS is the best you think he can do.

Don't be surprised if Devin Hester's foot falls off because of gangrene by Week 10 of next season....

TRICK OR...POW!!!

I'm reconsidering dressing up for Halloween this year...

BRANDON LLOYD IS PURE EVIL

Courtesy of the DC Sports Bog, Brandon Lloyd has somehow found a way to become a bigger cancer for the Redskins: randomly "outing" Troy Aikman - or at least trying to. Stay classy, Brandon.

Between cussing out his WR coach, blowing off Al Saunders, tossing his helmet during games and admitting to dogging it on plays, I'd go so far as saying this guy's a bigger distraction than Michael Westbrook, which is pretty hard to accomplish considering Westbrook pummeled Stephen Davis in training camp.

Expect a Top 10 Biggest Cancers in Sports list very soon. He's another guy you can expect to see.

MAYBE GLEN MASON WASN'T SO BAD...

Don't get us wrong: Glen Mason is not a good football coach (no matter what this guy thinks).

He is an average football coach at best that can't hold a lead to save his life. And the guy was a master of padding his early schedule to generate BS 10-win seasons. But he's a great recruiter that churned out NFL running backs (Laurence Maroney, Marion Barber III) and offensive linemen (Greg Eslinger, Mark Setterstrom).

In other words, he was a poor man's John Cooper with a fake bake.

So it's pretty ironic that the Gophers fired Mason after blowing a 31-point second half lead to Texas Tech in last year's Insight Bowl (a bowl record), only to blow a 21-point lead with 17:00 left to Northwestern on Saturday.

Mason didn't exactly leave the cupboard full upon his departure, but the Gophers are now 1-5 with loses to Bowling Green and FAU.

So what exactly was the thinking again when AD Joel Maturi fired Mason? That Minnesota needed a new coach to take them to the "next level"? Geniuses like Ron Zook come around only once in a lifetime!

Hey Gopher fans, look at the bright side: in a couple years, you'll watch your team get rocked while freezing your ass off as well.

POP QUIZ

What's wrong with this photo? If you are a true Michigan Man, it should take you about 2 seconds.

Yikes, Washington Post. We expect better:

T-MINUS 21 HOURS TILL THIS GUY IS FIRED

Lamar Thomas, meet the new dumbest color guy in sports, Dave Lapham:

Rule #2 about being on-air (behind never encouraging an on-field brawl): Never, ever, under any circumstance use the word rape.

Whoops:



Now people are coming out of the woodwork to say Lapham used the phrase "face raked" instead of "face raped." I'm sure that will be his defense when this becomes a monster controversy over the next week. It'll probably even end up in a lawsuit that's decided by instant replay.

Whatever. The ruling on the field is that the dude said rape. Have fun overturning that.

It's 3 A.M. There's no way he makes it through the day with his job intact.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, See ya!

(Props to Awful Announcing for this find)

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WRAP UP

I'm going to keep this short because I just went to a wedding and I'm tired.

Les Miles might as well start contract negotiations with Bill Martin right now. It's a done deal, folks.

Kentucky's coach should also start contract negotiations with Bill Martin right now. I mean, he did beat Les Miles.

Jim lit a fire under Mario Manningham. 8 receptions, 147 yards, 2 TDs. Never under estimate the influence that the 69th most influential sports blog in the world has.

Michigan is the leader and the best. Remember when we lost to Appalachian State at the start of the year and made the "upset" the cool thing to do? LSU, USC, Florida, Auburn, West Virginia, Oklahoma, Texas, and Rutgers have all followed our lead. Hail to the victors!

... MORE LIKE WARIO MANNINGHAM

Didn't we just go through this with Braylon Edwards?

After getting suspended for the Eastern Michigan game, everyone in Ann Arbor is scratching their heads. I mean, we all knew Braylon used to be a punk-ass bitch, but Mario Manningham? He's the last guy we expected to turn douche on us. But when you look at the comparison, it's deja blue all over again (gotta love the shout out to the most overused headline in Daily history).

Take a look:

BRAYLON EDWARDS
Freshman Year: 3 REC, 38 YDS
Sophomore Year: 67 REC, 1,035 YDS, 10 TD
Junior Year (first 4 games): 26 REC, 328 YDS, 3 TD
Turned Into: R. Kelly
Signs of Douchery:
- Not practicing hard
- Dropped balls
- Turning down interviews
- Urinating on minors
Lloyd: "We're not on the same page and Braylon's a good reader" (OH SNAP!)
Punishment: Sat out 1st half vs. Indiana
Turning Point: J. Brady McCollough puts Bray on blast
Result: 2004 Biletnikoff Winner, #3 Overall Pick in 2005 NFL Draft

MARIO MANNINGHAM
Freshman Year: 27 REC, 433 YDS, 6 TD
Sophomore Year: 38 REC, 703 YDS, 9 TD (started just 9 games)
Junior Year (first 6 games): 29 REC, 402 YDS, 2 TD
Turned Into: Wario Manningham
Signs of Douchery:
- Not practicing hard
- Running out of bounds on every play
- Quitting vs. Oregon
Lloyd: "I don't think he's played as well as he can."
Punishment: Sat out Eastern Michigan game
Turning Point: TBD
Result: ???

Our question is this: If Manningham turns it around like Braylicious, will everyone start clinging to Lloyd's nuts again and babble on about what a father figure he's been to kids like Braylon, Chris Perry, Bennie Joppru and Marlin Jackson?

In that case, we'd rather Wario sticks around...

RAISE THE TERROR ALERT LEVEL

I'm not one to be an alarmist. But we're all in really big trouble right now. Our country has never been in greater jeopardy.

Jack Bauer is going to jail.

A judge decided that Keifer needed to spend some time in the slammer as punishment for a DUI. Now, we don't advocate drinking and driving on this blog, but we think that sending Jack Bauer to jail is the dumbest idea in history.

We're living on borrowed time, folks.

First, the odds that Bauer spends more than 5 minutes behind bars are slim to none. Hasn't this judge watched 24? Bauer lives for stuff like this - he's gonna break out before he even gets in there!

Second, this is just inviting harm to our country. Probably not the smartest idea to jail someone that's saved our country from absolute destruction 6 years in a row.

Third, Scalia is going to find someway to overturn this decision.

Fourth, maybe this is a flip mctwerk. Remember when Jack went undercover to start Season 3? Maybe he needs to get into the LA Jail system to infiltrate another bad guy crew.

Either way. Watch your back for now. The world just got a lot more dangerous.

MARCO MYSTERY FINALLY SOLVED?

For all your perverts out there that typed in "Marco Belinelli girlfriend" into Google (The Realests included) after seeing this clip (below) during the NBA Draft, we have good news: Her identity might be confirmed.

Peter Schrager of FoxSports.com is claiming victory after a reader wrote in claiming her name is Melissa Ignazio. Well, that's been posted on the Internet since July and there's absolutely nothing to support this except a link to Italian message boards with a picture of a babe that resembles her.

We're still not sold but figured we'd let you be the judge:



Unfortunately, Schrager also provides no insight into our main question: How does a dude looking that much like a ferret land such a hot chick?

I guess we'll have to settle for one answer at a time...

TIME TO CALL IT A CAREER TOP 10

We aren’t going to name names (actually, that's exactly what we're going to do), but there’s nothing sadder than a fallen champion. One minute you’re the greatest of all time, the next you’re whoring yourself out on Dancing With The Stars talking about how this is more exciting than the Super Bowl.

Without giving the list away, the last week has been full of moments where sports fans everywhere have said to themselves, “Just hang it up already!” Whether the player is no longer effective, putting himself in serious physical danger or driving us crazy with speculation on when he will retire, here are the athletes we most want to retire:

10. Chris Webber: You know you’re washed up when the 76ers are paying you over $20 million this season to not play for them. Sure he looked good in the regular season with the Pistons when nobody plays any defense, but those creaky old knees caught up to him in the playoffs. The highlight of watching Webber, 34, play last year was watching his teammates make fun of how he can barely dunk anymore. C-Webb couldn’t jump over a candlestick right now. We love how Webber recently said he won’t play in Greece this season because he doesn’t want to disrespect the game. You know what’s disrespecting the game? Playing ZERO defense for the past 5 years.

9. Dikembe Mutombo: The question with Dikembe is never “How much does he have left in the tank?” but rather, “Who wants to sex Mutombo?!” He claims to be 41, but who really knows with this guy? Given that Yao is going to miss at least half the season, the Rockets just signed him to a one-year deal. We know Dikembe had to talk to the commish about the Finger Wag, but when was the last time he actually got to use it in a game? All jokes aside, Mutombo did average 6.5 RPG last year and came up huge after Yao went down.

8. Roger Clemens: We’ll spare you the stats about how much Clemens cost the Yankees this season per strikeout, win, etc. etc. You don’t need to be a Rocket scientist (pun intended, bitches!) to figure out $28 million for a 6-6 record and 4.18 ERA is a bad investment. Whether Clemens (45) officially retires or not, there needs to be a media embargo on this guy come spring training.

7. Kevin Willis: Listed as the oldest active player in the NBA, the 44-year old was the 11th overall pick in the 1984 NBA Draft (yes, that’s the same one as Olajuwon, Jordan and Barkley). Currently without a team after joining the Mavs for the postseason, he’s the second oldest player in NBA history behind Nat Hickey, who played until he was 46. You know, the Celtics could use some frontcourt help…

6. Vinny Testaverde: You can’t complain about this Heisman winner not lasting in the NFL. After winning it in 1986, Vinny’s been around so long he even played in these uniforms (pictured - man those were beautiful...). He joined the Patriots for the 2006 season, but Vinchenzo was cut in training camp (on a side note, how screwed are the Patriots if Brady goes down? Their backups are two guys that couldn’t hack it in Division I-A – Matt Cassel & Matt Gutierrez). With QBs dropping like flies, Vinny might get one last shot. (Update: We feel like John Fox personally slapped us in the face right now, as the Panthers have just signed Vinny).

5. Chris Chelios: We don’t actually watch hockey but judging by the Red Wings annual disappointment in the playoffs, we’re guessing he isn’t getting any younger. At 45, not only is he the oldest player in the league, he’s even older than his own coach, Mike Babcock. Let’s just hope Old Man River doesn’t slip on the ice this year and break a hip.

4. Julio Franco: Just when you thought his career was finally over, the Atlanta Braves called Franco up from Triple-A (can you imagine playing in the minors with this guy?) in September after turning 49 on August 23rd. We love this nugget of info: “Julio Franco is the only active player to face a pitcher who pitched against Hall of Famer Ted Williams.” That stat has Tim Kurkjian’s name written all over it.

3. Stacey Augmon: Has there even been a more apt nickname than Augmon’s: “The Plastic Man”? A former teammate of Greg Anthony and Larry Johnson at UNLV, both have been retired for 5 years. Not Augmon, who recently signed with the Denver Nuggets. The guy hasn’t averaged over 6 PPG since 1996 and has started over 10 games in a season four times since then. By the way, we love the idea of Augmon being the missing piece that’s going to get the Nuggets over the hump in the playoffs.

2. Trent Green: In the summer, Jason Taylor said if Green took one more hit, he’d be “scrambled eggs.” Fitting, since you needed a spatula to pick him up off the Reliant Stadium field Sunday. Watching back-to-back clips of Green getting destroyed by Robert Geathers in 2006 and Travis Johnson on Sunday make us want to puke. The man has turned into a crash-test dummy. Green needs to call it quits before he’s in a hospital bed getting spoon fed tapioca pudding for the rest of his life while his kids lock themselves in their rooms all day and listen to “Daddy, Where Have You Been?”

1. Evander Holyfield: It’s hard not to like Real Deal Holyfield. I mean, come on, the man had his ear bitten off! But it’s time to hang up the gloves when an entire state (New York) has banned you from fighting there for 3 years because of concerns for your safety. Still, Holyfield won’t go down. About to turn 45, he insists he won’t retire until he becomes the oldest heavyweight champion, which has lead him to Moscow for the crown of the World Boxing Organization. We don’t even want to know what Evander will do if he loses this match. He’s so desperate, we wouldn’t be surprised if he pulls a Lawrence Phillips (how did this story not get more pub?).


Let’s Not Forget:

- Cobi Jones (37): He already announced he’s retiring at the end of this MLS season. We thought we’d just rub it in some more.
- Brett Favre (37): Great. Now instead of hearing about when Favre will retire all the time, we’re back to everyone clinging to his nuts.
- Jerry Glanville (65): Seriously Jerry: Division I-AA football? The all black thing stopped being cool like 15 years ago (insert joke here about being too legit to quit). Apparently Jerry didn't get the memo about OT being introduced in college.
- Tim Couch (30): Was banning this guy for six games really necessary?
- Ricky Williams (30): We liked him so much better when he gave interviews with his helmet on.
- Joe Paterno (80): We can’t say it enough: He’s lost 9 straight to Lloyd!
- Bobby Bowden (77): We hate Florida State. Period.
- Morten Andersen (47): Wants to play in the NFL until he’s 50. Could be a problem that he can’t make anything past 40 yards.
- Alonzo Mourning (37): Not that we mention it, the entire Heat roster aside from Dwyane Wade should retire.
- Cliff Robinson (41): After getting cut by the Nets in July, Uncle Cliffy might not have a choice.
- Mike Mussina (38): Loved how he came out and defended Joe Torre, then get shelled by the Indians. We hear he’s the nicest guy in the world. Sadly, there’s just nothing left in the tank.
- Tamir Goodman (25): Ah yes, the Jewish Jordan. He’s playing in the equivalent of the D League in Israel.
- Drew Henson (27): Sorry Drewski.
- 50 Cent (32): We had your word, 50!
- Ray Benzino (42): Eminem already said it all in "Nail in the Coffin."

MAYBE YOU OVERPAID...

...when your off-season max-contract free-agent acquisition has to leave his first game because of cramps.

The interesting thing about this ESPN article is that it doesn't explain what type of cramps Rashard Lewis had. If they were menstrual, do you think that the Magic can get part of that signing bonus back without getting hit with a gender discrimination suit? Does Orlando have a WNBA team? Lewis would probably be at least a 2nd team all-WNBA player.

CRAP NIGHT IN AMERICA

Try to figure this one out.

We like Football. We like Night. We like things that are In America.

But put them all together - and we hate it.

Now, there are a lot of reasons to hate NBC, but we think we found #1 on the list. I'm so angry right now that I'm having trouble finding a place to start. The problematic part of this whole thing is that I'm actually starting to enjoy watching NFL games - I used to think that they were pretty boring (I'm an NBA guy), but I've turned the page on that. Now I'm thinking about turning that page back and closing the book forever.

Now, we know that NBC was hyped to get the NFL and they dumped a ton of money into this production, but that studio is unbearable. I hate it - it's just too much. It's so excessive with it's multiple desks, tickers, glass walls and idiot plasma screens.

Even worse is the fact that there are 6 people on the show. 6 people! Costas, Olbermann, King, Collinsworth, Bettis, and Barber. It's a nightmare especially because their 6 man crew provides less insight than Boomer and TJ did on NFL Primetime. Oh, and on that note, we'll never forgive NBC for forcing Primetime off the air.

I hate their stupid banter. I hate the fact that Barber and Bettis add absolutely no analysis and just sit their with stupid grins on their faces saying nothing of any import. I hate the fact that Olbermann feels the need to be zany and Costas feels the need to fake laugh at the zaniness. I hate the TKO Report and the Worst Person in the NFL segment. I hate the way Peter King points when he talks. I hate how you can see Costas, Olbermann, and King through the glass wall behind CC, Bettis, and Barber. I hate that it's called Football Night In America. WHAT A STUPID NAME! Maybe we change the name of the Today Show to "A Morning Television Program Where Hosts Engage In Witty Banter, Present Human Interest Stories, and Interview People." Is there that much of a lack of creativity??? Hate. Hate. Hate.

Watching this show is like watching 6 douchebags talk about football in a really nice living room. No, actually, that is exactly what it is.

SIMS-ODEN RIVALRY RENEWED???

We're back on Courtney Sims watch. Actually, fuck that. We've always been on the Sims grind - it was you bandwagon assholes that jumped off.

Actually, Sims probably pushed you off of his own bandwagon after he got served up continuously this past year. Well, that's all in the past.

Sims just signed a non-guaranteed contract with the Pacers. He still has to try and make the team, but it's a step in a positive direction for Sims. And a huge negative direction for the Pacers. I mean, let's be realistic - if Sims makes the team, let's just move the Pacers down to the D-League. That would be the humane thing to do.

On the bright side, since Oden is going to be out for the year there's no pressure on Sims to make the League this year. He can just bide his time and get better this year.

And then bring the pain on the League in 2008-2009.

HARBAUGH FOR HIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We take back all the bad things we've ever said about Jim Harbaugh (here, here, here and here).

After beating USC with a bunch of losers, all has been forgiven!

We just hope Harbaugh doesn't dig an even bigger hole for himself now that his head's about to explode. Seriously, there's no telling how much he might run his mouth now.

There's a rumor that Harbaugh just called Pete Carroll "my bitch" in the post-game press conference.

You think the Appalachian State loss was bad? Marinate on this for a second as we prepare for another week of mind-numbing debate about the greatest upset in college football history:

- Stanford went 1-11 last year and got hammered by Arizona State last week, 41-3

- USC was favored by 41 points (Michigan was only favored by 27 over App. State and that infamous Oregon State team that beat Washington in 1985 was a 38-point underdog)

- Since losing to Stanford in his first Pac-10 game (oddly enough, their last home loss), USC had outscored the Cardinal 217-87 during its 5-game winning streak over Stanford

- Stanford's starting quarterback T.C. Ostrander didn't play due to a seizure and was replaced by this doofus

When you think about it, what Harbaugh said about Michigan wasn't that bad. He just questioned our integrity and everything we stand for.

We love you Captain Comeback!

P.S. How sad is it that just over a month ago, we all thought there was no way we could lose to Ohio State again this year. If the game was played next Saturday, we'd be 10-point underdogs to a team that lost its entire offense from 2006. Sheesh.

LOU HOLTZ BOGGLES THE MIND AGAIN

I knew those horse tranquilizers were a bad idea last night.... Seriously, what the hell just happened here?

By the way, we LOVE Lou's explanation of the different sections of the newspaper. Tell us how you really feel, Big Lou.

What originally seemed like a really bad idea, Lou's Pep Talk is now the highlight of our Saturdays.

Maybe Les Miles has some competition after all for the Michigan job...

LEEEROOOOOOYYY JEEEENNNNKIINNSS!!!!!

We don't ask much of our readers.

Just stroke our enormous ego every once in awhile, click on our Google Ads (uh, can we say that???) and keep us filled in on people making asses of themselves. Well where were you on this one, dipshit?

Apparently 3 years after it was made, we have finally come across the infamous Leeroy Jenkins video. We've played it over and over about as many times as me cracking my head open on the futon:


(Note: Just go to 1:25 if you don't know what is going on. Also, we feel like we recognize one of these voices. The Dude, is that you?)

The lead nerd doesn't get nearly enough credit for his role. "What do you think, Abdul? Can you give me a number-crunch real quick?" And who will ever forget, "Why do you do this shit, Leeroy?!"

(Update: Remix! For those that have gotten their fill of Leeroy, this video should take up another 3 hours of your life)

SO GANGSTER

Oh, you've got 3 cuts in your eyebrow tryin' to wild out?

Oh, you're blazed out shedding tattoo tears?

Your day is done and you need to step your game up. You thought that was tough? You thought people would respect you for that shit? You were wrong, dunny. There's a new day and Stephen Jackson will show you how to do this son.

Look closely.

That's right. It's two hands in prayer holding a Glock. Or a 9mm. Or a Desert Eagle.

Now, we're not sure if SJax did this in memory of licking shots outside of the strip club. Or if he just likes his priests to pack some heat.

Regardless, we do know what a move like this gets you. It gets you the captaincy of the Golden State Warriors!!!

Frankly, we're speechless. We're heading to the best plastic surgeon in NYC right now to remove the Thug Life tats from our chests and getting this shit inked on. Holla.

HONORARY MICHIGAN MAN

Some people might say that in order to be a Michigan Man, you need to have some affiliation with the University of Michigan. Wrong. The Realests flip conventions on their heads.

We've decided that Joe Paterno is a true Michigan Man. That's right. The head coach of one of our main rivals is truly a Michigan Man, in the mold of Bo.

What brought this on? Well, there's tons of reasons. He left a game in the middle to go use the bathroom. He was a dancing fool at a Penn State pep rally. He has gangster glasses. He sounds funny when he talks.

But most importantly, he doesn't want a bullshit forfeit just in order to get a win. While the Big 10 is trying to strip Michigan of its win against Penn State because we cleared an ineligible player to play, Joe Pa said "fuck that shit."

It's nice to see a coach not be a cooter (we're looking right at you Urban Meyer - we'll never forgive you for your bitching last year - and for your weak time out during the Auburn game).

So congratulations Joe Pa. You're a Michigan Man.

Editors' Note: While we applaud Joe Pa for his hardline stance, we'd rip Lloyd for doing the same thing because we need all the wins we can get. Go Blue! Champions of the West!

APOLOGY 101

We try not to listen to the radio very much. It's mind numbing. One of the drawbacks of that is that we miss out on some pretty good jams. I've been back in the D recently and I've been driving around a lot listening to the radio because I wanted to catch up on things.

First let me say that I hate disc jockeys. I think they're the lowest common denominator. For example, on a local Detroit station, they have a segment called "Confessions" where the DJ asks women to call in and give up some scandalous confessions. Well, on this night, a girl called in and said that her confession was that she was at a club a while back and ended up having sex with a Girls Gone Wild camera man on the Girls Gone Wild bus. And, wait for it...she got pregnant.

I almost crashed my car when I heard that because she was laughing her ass off and the DJ was calling her a "hero."

Luckily, right after that the DJ put on the Akon song where he apologizes for dry humping the shit out of a 15 year old on stage in Trinidad. Here are the lyrics to the song:

I'm sorry for the hand that she was dealt
And for the embarrassment that she felt
She's just a little young girl trying to have fun
But daddy should of never let her out that young

I'm sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around
How was I to know she was underage
In a 21 and older club they say

Why doesn't anybody want to take blame
Verizon backed out disgracing my name
I'm just a singer trying to entertain
Because I love my fans I'll take that blame

Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
Even though the blame's on you
I'll take that blame from you

Now, call me crazy, but maybe Akon should have thought about blaming himself for this one:



And here's what the lyrics should have been:

Sorry I dry humped the shit out of you
You were only 15, should have been in school
Didn't know that you had a preacher for a dad
Man, I'm really sorry for hitting it from the back

You told me that you name was Kiki
Good thing we didn't get into the bukkake
This whole thing has been a pain in the ass
Why couldn't you have just gone to class

The blame's on me
The blame's on me
The blame's on me
Because I dry-humped you on stage and you were only 15

Oh, and here's Akon ragdolling Tara Reid on-stage. This girls has fallen off since Van Wilder:


(Note: Seriously dude, what's with the dry humping fetish? This guy's like everyone's worst nightmare at the dog run. Let's just chop the man's balls off and get it over with already.)

FAVORITE BLOGGERS' FAVORITE BLOGGER

Big Baby.

This kid is on fire. He's going on my personal blogroll. Right at the top.

First he brought us the gem about being forced to eat a plate full of octopus. Now he tells us that he got hit by a car in Italy, but that it wasn't a big deal because he's bigger than the car. And here's the genius part. He's actually bigger than the car!!! Stop feeding this man octopus! Build bigger cars! I hope Big Baby stays in the league for a long time - we need more people like him in the "Interwebs." That was for all of you idiots that like using that fucking inane term.

Unlike you, Big Baby is a genius. You neanderthals could all learn a lot from him.

A WIN FOR WO/MANKIND!!

Yesterday was a historic day. Anucha Browne Sanders won her lawsuit against Isaiah Thomas and MSG and the jury awarded her $11.6 million in damages. That's a lot of money. A lot of money. As an individual person, that might almost be too much money. I mean what do you do with it?

Well, here's the good news. Anucha Browne Sanders said that she didn't win the money for herself. She said that she won it for every single working woman in the United States and every working man that doesn't call his female employees "bitches" and "hos." That's a lot of people. The Bureau of Labor Statistics puts the total current work force at 152.9 million people. Let's say that of those people, 5% have called a female employee a bitch or a ho. That's about 30 million people. So, Anucha Brown Sanders won her $11.6 million for the 120 million people out there that are generally good people. That means that every non-sexist worker in the United states should be receiving a check for $.10 from Browne Sanders soon.

I demand my money now!!