APPALANCHE!!!!

I've been busy sunbathing with spider monkeys off the coast of Costa Rica for the past two weeks (Get better soon, Owen Wilson), so I just found out that Michigan lost to Appalachian State. What a relief! Instead of a let down in the middle or end of the season, now we can start all the "Lloyd needs to go" and "Bill Martin/Michigan is complacent" talk right now. All you bitchers and moaners should be happy about that because - and, let's face it - you guys don't want to see Michigan win. Instead of getting to the root of the problem, you'd rather bitch about it. Well, not me. I've spent the last 12 hours doing intense research - making phone calls, watching the game film - and I've pinpointed the only three possible reasons for the Appalanche that destroyed our football program.

Reason #1: Racism

The simple fact is that our coaching staff might be racist. Hasn't everyone noticed that we have trouble with athletic black quarterbacks?? Maybe it's because we underestimate their skill and decision-making ability. I know what you're going to say - "Isn't our defensive coordinator, Ron English, black?" Yes, he is. But that doesn't mean that he along with everyone else on the team isn't racist.


Here's the evidence. What do these quarterbacks all have in common? Kordell Stewart. Brad Banks. Donovan McNabb. Troy Smith. Armanti Edwards. Answer? They're all black. And they've all beaten the crap out of Michigan. Here's some more evidence. Name the last minority Michigan quarterback to start a game. That's right, you can't think of one under the recent coaching staff. Finally, think of the number of minority quarterbacks that we've scared away. That's right - 2 (Jermaine "Juan" Gonzalez and Matt Guttierez).

In fact, we have it from a good source (who we will not name) that the whole Michigan Affirmative Action Supreme Court Case was a mere diversion to take the focus off the stereotypical and outdated mindset of our football team.

What's the solution to all this you ask? The Realests should be hired as the next coaches of the football team. After countless games of NCAA Football on XBox, we've determined exactly how to utilize and stop the black/athletic quarterback. This solution kills two birds with one stone. The Realests get to move back to Ann Arbor and Michigan wins 17 national championships in a row.

Reason #2: The Big Ten Network

Wow, here's a shocker. The Big Ten Network is involved in a bitter battle with cable providers over carrying the channel and in the network's inaugural game we have one of the biggests upsets in college football history??? Is Tim Donaghy the CEO of the Big Ten Network?! This is crap. As always, we've followed the money. There was a strong evidence linking the Vegas betting lines, the IPO of the Big Ten Network, and the referees' decision making in the Appalanche. Maybe Lloyd and Ron English are shareholders in the TV network. We'll investigate further.

Reason #3: Jim Harbaugh


You all know that he's laughing his ass off right now. This is what he wanted. He stuck it to us for our academic standards because he thought that we had superior athletes. Now he can talk shit about us sucking on the field too. We traced the cell phone records and found that the ear piece in Armanti Edwards helmet was actually a direct line to Jim Harbaugh's cell phone. Coincidence? Hardly. Harbaugh's been salivating over the Michigan job for years and he sensed an opportunity to bring us down by selling our playbook to Appalachian State. What a jerk.

Luckly, we've got a solution if this turns out to be true. Hire Jim Harbaugh.

(Oh, and in the course of our investigatory journalism we also found out that Bill Martin is Ed Martin. Wrap your head around that Big Blue Nation.)