BASKETBALL'S ALL-WHITE TRASH TEAM

If you can't tell, we're really excited about the new NBA season.

While discussing the absurdity of Brad Miller's cornrows and Robert Swift's tattoos, it dawned upon us: There's a lot of white trash in basketball these days.

I mean you expect these guys in NASCAR, but guys looking like Miller and Swift competing with the best athletes in the world? It's mind boggling, actually.

We'd go so far as to say white trash are the new Euro trash.

Well the creative juices got flowing and we decided to assemble the finest white trash in hoops. We present to you The All-White Trash Team.

Note: As obvious by Patrick Sparks' First-Team selection, teams decided by their level of white trash, not play.

FIRST TEAM

PG: Jason Williams

Yeah, the guy's friends with Randy Moss. He's also a guy nicknamed White Chocolate from Charleston, West Virginia with "white boy" tattooed on his knuckles and a son named Jaxon. Not convinced? Take this exchange between Williams and a Golden State fan that happened to be Asian back in 2001: "I will shoot you Asian motherf******. Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that." Lovely.

SG: Patrick Sparks

When this guy showed up at UK, he was a real innovator with the Neo-Nazi look. Aside from a miraculous 3-pointer against Michigan State in the 2005 Elite Eight, Sparks will be remembered as one of the worst defenders in SEC history. He's currently playing for a club team named Giessen in Germany. Coincidence?

SF: Chris Andersen

Birdman!!!! A Realests favorite, Andersen's been a ghost since his suspension from the NBA in January of 2006 for a failed drug test, biding his time until reinstatement by perfecting his Slam Dunk Contest routine (a MUST see YouTube clip).

PF: Kevin Pittsnogle

Just when you thought you'd heard this guy's name for the last time, he pops up here. There's really no explanation needed for this infamous West Virginian. By the way, he's currently overseas in France.

C: Robert Swift

The 12th overall pick in the 2004 NBA Draft, Big Red's the only white dude taken straight out of high school (for a before picture, click here). Apparently he decided he needed some street cred once he got to the league because he has 15 tattoos at last count a year ago. And no, being half-Japanese doesn't get him off the hook as white trash. In two injury plagued seasons, he's averaged 5 points in 63 total games (by the way, he's currently hurt again). Those are Nikoloz Tskitishvili numbers! In case you were wondering, guys the Sonics passed up in the 2004 draft include Al Jefferson, Josh Smith and Kevin Martin. Oopsie.

SECOND TEAM

PG: The Professor (a.k.a. Grayson Boucher)

Sorry, dawg. We love The Professor as much as anyone else, but with that Dumb and Dumber haircut, he was a no-brainer.

SG: Mike Miller

Just another country boy when he hit it big with Florida, after 7 seasons in the NBA his style has become impregnable: A grimey goatee, a "Miller Time" tattoo over his heart and a girlie headband. Can someone explain to us how this guy is getting paid $8 million a year?

SF: Scot Pollard

We apologize profusely for never naming Pollard the Realest of the Week after looking into a camera last year and saying, "Hey kids, do drugs." Now a member of the rejuvenated Celtics, we're expecting Pollard to have an LSD flashback any day now on the bench.

PF: Brad Miller

Really worked hard in the preseason to make the team by clocking Devin Harris (granted, Harris is a notorious flopper) and wilin' out with some cornrows. Only 6 days until the first Swift-Miller showdown of the season. Get your bozacks ready.

C: Chris Kaman

We know, we know. We can't believe Chris Kaveman is a second teamer either. He took the news really hard when we broke it to him, especially after sporting this look. Swift just had too much upside. Maybe next year, Chris.

ETERNAL DL

SF: Adam Morrison

With all you guys have written in, what's left to ponder? We're going to put the over/under on his number of games left in the NBA at 30.

And yes, we are absolute buffoons for initially forgetting Morrison. We feel like Will Ferrell in the locker room of "Old School" after failing to jump through the hoop of fire.... IDIOT!!!!!

First-Ballot Hall of Famers:
Cherokee Parks
Larry Bird
Bryant "Big Country" Reeves