Forgive us for being pessimists, but when former Michigan QB and pitcher Clayton "Rocket" Richard left Michigan to pursue a baseball career, we thought we'd heard the last of him (Cough... Drew... cough... Henson...).

So imagine our surprise when the Rocket showed up in the Chicago White Sox rotation Tuesday night for his second career start. It wasn't pretty - the man with two first names got rocked for 5 earned in 4 2/3 innings.

But you have to feel good for him. Growing up in the French-Canadian wilderness and building his cannon left arm by chopping down trees, he actually survived the Pierre Woods-treatment from Lloyd and came out the other side.



You thought we'd run out of Weezy F. Baby lines from Tha Carter III, didn't you? Rookie mistake. They just keep getting better with time.

"When you're great it's not murder it's assassinate. So assassinate me, bitch. Cause I'm doing the same shit Martin Luther King did. Checkin' in the same hotel in the same suite bitch same balcony. Like assassinate me bitch."

Rappers comparing themselves to MLK? That's old hat (although Weezy's reasons are extremely compelling).

Openly calling for your "assassination"? That's a level of stupidity rarely seen even in hip-hop.



That's right folks, Realestsdamus has struck again.

Ah, hem. From the Jose Guillen section of our Top 10 Biggest Cancers in Sports List:

"Mark our words, he won't make it through July in KC."

Fast forward to today, July 29th, where published reports have Guillen saying he is "living in hell" and wants out of KC immediately.

We already knew we could foretell the future. But at this point we have to ask ourselves if we're actually causing these events to happen. For once, we actually don't know anymore.


In DMX news, the rapper is officially brain-dead.

In court - AGAIN - for identity theft (he told a hospital his name was "Troy Jones" to avoid paying a $7,500 medical bill - not quite as creative as Ron Mexico) Crack Man X pleaded his case by freestyling outside the courtroom:

"If and when you ever fall down, get back up. Drop something, stop fretting, pick that back up. Stand for something or fall for everything. Wait for the right pitch or miss with every swing."

What this has to do with skipping out on a medical bill is anyone's guess. This comes four years after stealing a car at Kennedy Airport and then claiming he was an FBI agent once busted.

How he is not already in a straight jacket with tapioca on his face at this point is beyond us.



We wanted to put Northwestern higher. We really did. Unlike the other 3 teams we've previewed so far, we expect the Wildcats to be competitive. But at the end of the day, it's still Northwestern and you can't win in the Big Ten without being able to take a punch in the mouth. Back to the cellar we go:

2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 6-6 (3-5)
Projected 2008 Finish: 8th
Returning Starters: 15
Head Coach: Pat Fitzgerald
Best Player: QB C.J. Bacher

Good News:

- Opening with Syracuse and Duke - the two worst BCS programs in the country - then finishing off the nonconference slate with Southern Illinois and Ohio. The N'western AD deserves a medal or something.

- C.J. Bacher and Tyrell Sutton are two of the Big Ten's best skill position players. Working within the spread, expect big numbers from both despite a sub-par offensive line.

Not-So-Good News:

- This team lost to Duke. Duke! Yeah, the same Duke that had lost 22 straight coming into this game. The Wildcats courageously rebounded a week later to get hammered 58-7 by Ohio St.

- The defense gave up 31 PPG (88th in the country) and that includes a shutout win over Northeastern to cook the books. They're atrocious, folks.

- We don't care what numbers they put up, Northwestern is NOT one of the best offenses in the Big Ten. The spread offense has been very good to the Wildcats through the years (except '06), but it doesn't mean jack against teams that are just bigger, stronger and faster than you. See NU's aggregate point total against Ohio St. in the last 3 years: 24.

- Their three easiest Big 10 games - Iowa, Indiana, Minnesota - are all on the road.

- They close with Ohio St., at Michigan and Illinois. Just chalk up those losses right now.


Give Pat Fitzgerald credit. Northwestern's season was going down the shitter until they stunned Michigan St. in overtime on the road - without Tyrell Sutton. With such a soft nonconference slate this year, expect the Wildcats to light up the scoreboard and go 4-0. Wilbon will wear a Sutton jersey on PTI, they could even crack the top 25 if writers are stupid enough (which, of course, they are).

NU might even start off hot in the Big Ten. But then things will come crashing down with that lackluster defense. They get almost everyone back on that side of the ball, but like Iowa, that's not necessarily a good thing. Fitz has to be clawing his eyes out watching game tape of last year's D. With Indiana and Minnesota on the road and then the Murderer's Row of Ohio St., Michigan and Illinois to finish, NU could potentially lose its final 5 games.

It will be good enough to salvage a bowl game - which is all Northwestern fans care about in the end. They'll smack around some MAC team in the Motor City Bowl, the seniors will go out on a high note and Fitzgerald will get an extension. The glory days are back in Evanston.



It takes some serious cojones to name your kid "Long Wang". We can only imagine how much therapy this kid has undergone. Oh well, it could be worse. His brother's name is Anaconda...

Editor's Note: We know we've really slacked on the Big Ten Preview. Don't fret. The Purple People Eaters are on deck for Monday.

Editor's Note 2: We're coming back blasting with the Big Ten Preview so everybody better chill the f*** out.... or duck.



If you haven't poked around in the comments section on "Blastphemy", our friend Alex posted a message and e-mailed us with the following:

Noticed a solid up tick in hate mail and death threats in the mailbox this week. Thanks for the blog link! Give a special shout out and well wishes to blogaholic911 for me.

FWIW, TIA, FTR...I'm actualy a fan of your site.

Your Little Sprout,

OK, so he's got a sense of humor about it. On the other hand, how can we take this dude seriously?

Maybe it's just us, but we don't normally send e-mails to our favorite sites telling them they suck. Of course we can also spell "actually" - so maybe we're just special.

And he's got a bunch of crazy web lingo that we don't understand (TIA? As in "This is Africa" from Blood Diamond? TIA indeed.)

But that's not important. What's important is that Realests Nation has spoken. A single tear just dropped down my face thinking of all the readers out there that sent in hate mail on our behalf.

We've always said this isn't just a blog, it's a movement. You just proved that.



I love seeing celebrities in New York. It's one of the best parts about living out here.

I'll never forget the time I saw Jack Bauer walking down my street, the time Hugh Jackman was talking on a cell phone outside my building, or the time Katherine Heigl's boyfriend got out of the subway next to me (yeah, I know that's going to raise some eyebrows but I enjoy reading the gossip magazines and websites).

I recently moved within the city and am now living pretty close to the Meatpacking District where, with all of its trendy restaurants, shops, and boutiques, the odds of seeing a celebrity go through the roof. As a result, I've started walking home from work a little more often. And last week, I was lucky enough to see....

That's right. Natalie Portman. Just me and her and her enormous sunglasses. This was the second time I've seen her in the city, so I felt a certain cosmic bond between the two of us. I immediately texted a friend and when I got home, fought off the urge to be a total psycho and send an update to Gawker Stalker.

What did I do instead? Well, I looked up stuff about Natalie Portman on the internet. For about 2 hours. In the dark.

Just kidding.

I actually did come across this video though. It's an interview with her boyfriend, Devendra Barnhart, who is kickstarting the folk music revolution in America (read: doing lots of acid and meth and occasionally releasing CDs with lines like: "In 1902/The devil sucked off the moon.")

Note: Your brain will never survive after watching this moron speak. We take no responsibility for the idiotic things you do after seeing this. Seriously, it's like one of those bad SNL skits that never, ever, ever, ever ends. Seriously, this guy is a cross between Hansel and the guy from Sarah Marshall.

I have to say that seeing this asshat made me lose a little respect for N-Po. The least she can do to make up for it is date this guy:


That Dick Rod - he's just non-stop entertainment. Is he just trying to piss people off now?

Overheard outside Schembechler Hall: "Screw those little bastards, Bill!!!!"



So we're perusing through our hundreds and hundreds of fan mail from over the weekend when we stumble across a rather nasty note from some schmo called Alex Esselink with the cryptic subject header, "Your site."

It reads:

just heads up... you guys suck

Alex Esselink

Well Alex, thanks so much for writing in! We've always been proud of or special gift to enrage jerkoffs like yourself. But please Alex, don't spend any more of your time thinking about us mere blogging mortals and instead focus on your burgeoning journalism career.

Yours truly,

The Realests

Please feel free to drop Alex a line at alex@cffinsider.com and help fight pathetic, no-talent-ass-clown, bitter-at-the-world, bottom-feeding sports journalists everywhere.



Seeing as only half The Realests was able to make the 3rd annual Vegas college reunion, I had no choice but to be twice as obnoxious. The following are the highlights from the 3-day fiasco, or at least the ones I can remember:

- Of course I end up a row behind the bachelor party crew on the flight out of Newark. These dudes complained when they couldn't get a drink before takeoff, proceeded to get bombed out of their minds and play poker in the aisles while screaming "Motherf*****!" every time they lost and "Luck be a lady tonight!" when they won. Guys, you are my heroes.

- In the cab to the hotel, a friend and I joke another buddy would like the trashy strip club we drive by. The cab driver turns around, hands us his card and tells us to call anytime between 6 PM - 5 AM: He will pick us up anywhere in 10 minutes and get us free entry and an extra treat. Man I love this town.

- The NBA Summer League: Not worth $25. You've got the 1st percentile of NBA talent there. Then take the league's defense on an average night and divide by 10. This should put it in perspective: Wilson Chandler looked like LBJ compared to the stiffs he was up against (namely Judson Wallace). The sole highlight was heckling Mustafa Shakur to stop being a ballhog. BTW, Alexis Ajinca is well on his way to being MJ's latest draft bust. Dude spent the entire time out of position and getting yelled instructions by his teammates - of which he understood zero.

- The VooDoo Lounge at Rio is an absolute must for anyone trying to relive their college glory days. At the top of the hotel, we start the night getting ripped off for $15 drinks. Then we inquire about their marquee concoction, The Witch Doctor, a 36-ounce drink they claimed had 28 ounces of alcohol. So we called their bluff for 26 bucks. Well my friends, never f*ck with the Witch Doctor. Tasting like pure sugar, it had one of our friends puking in the club bathroom a half-hour later. Never, ever question the realness of Vegas.

- Saturday afternoon we headed over to The Palms for a showing of The Dark Knight. We entered the hotel at precisely the same time as the entire Charlotte Bobcats summer league team, including Mustafa Shakur. I instantly cowered behind a slot machine until the coast was clear.

- We were originally very skeptical of Heath Ledger as The Joker. Well, nothing like a guaranteed Oscar to flip it on our face. The movie had its holes (hey, how did The Joker put a ton of dynamite in the hospital without anyone noticing?), but Ledger was flawless.

- Afterward we head upstairs to party at Moon. Classy joint. Apparently Paul Pierce thinks so too, cuz he was 10 feet away from us making out with some hootch in a booth. Things were kind of fuzzy at this point so I tried to walk right up to him - until I got blocked by one of his two jumbo bodyguards who were pancaking people all night.

- You know you're getting old when your buddy wonders onto the dance floor and makes out with a chick freshman-year style, then comes back and says, "Dude, she had a kid." (Editor's Note: Thanks to The Dude for refreshing my memory: The kid is 15. Yorp). Highlight and lowlight of the trip in my book.

- Just when we thought the trip couldn't get any better, we find a $5 Blackjack table at 4 AM in The Palms and stay up 'til 6 living the good life, knowing we are the lowest rollers in the city. Vegas, baby. Vegas.

P.S. Is there any other way to end a story about Vegas? It has to be the best 3-word description of anything ever.



We'd love to sit here and talk with you about the All-Star Game, Brett Favre and doping on the Tour de France during the slowest sports week ever, but we've got a plane to catch to Vegas.

Rest assured, we'll be back Monday with updates on Brian Ellerbe, Elise Ray and Tractor Traylor, notes from the NBA Summer League, stories of ridiculous proportions and more of our Big Ten Preview.

Until then, try and get out of the house a little bit and show some semblance of a life.



Who said this blog was washed up?! We're getting props from USA Today of all places.

There's no way we're any worse than the 68th most influential sports blog in the world right now.



Five days between posts? This is a disgrace. We have no excuse except to say July has to be the worst sports month ever. Now let's play a little catch-up:

- Tractor Traylor in the Vegas Summer League?! I guess they were right: We really are the champions of the West. We'll be sure to update everyone on Ellerbe, Elise Ray and Traylor after our trip to Vegas this weekend. We are counting down the days...

- MGoBlog had it right all along: The road jerseys are a disaster (although from this photo, the new piping seems to run along the backside, which would be a minor victory).

- Rosenberg absolutely crushed Rich Rod in his latest column. With no possible way to be unbiased, we'll just say this: Rosey does his homework. And he'll be laying in the cut all year waiting for RR to slip up just once before he airs some dirty laundry. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

- Fakest of the Week: Milton Bradley. Was anyone else disgusted by his actions during last night's Home Run Derby? Dude was running around like a bat boy taking pictures with Josh Hamilton and giving a back rub to the coach who was pitching. Absolutely pathetic attempt to give himself an image makeover.

- Bernie Mac for President. Unbelievable advice from B Mac to Barack Obama at an Illinois fund-raiser:

"People like rumors. They're going to say things like you was at the club with Lil' Kim, and you and Kanye West got into a fist fight. You can't get upset."

If I'm Obama right now, I tell Bernie Mac to name his price to be my next campaign manager.

- Isn't the blogosphere reacting as if they've just brought the Berlin Wall with this whole Billy Packer thing? Yeah the guy was a jerk but at least he was a straight shooter unlike so many other kiss-ass color guys. All that's missing from the festivities is The Hoff:

- Black Heart Gold Pants brought out the bozacks on us. Now we are really going to enjoy watching Iowa's demise this season.

- Michigan favored by 7 over Utah? Get your bookie on the phone now! People are talking about a BCS bowl for the Utes, yet we've favored by a touchdown? That doesn't add up. Our offense will be a complete debacle and even with good talent on defense, there will undoutedly be tons of penalties, missed assignments and confusion in the first game. The line should be flipped.



We head back to "3 Peat" for today's slice of brilliance:

"Abracadabra, I'm up like Viagra. I just do this shit for my click like Adam Sandler."

Again with the double entendres! See because not only did Adam Sandler do a movie called "Click," he also does movies just to include his no-talent ass clown friends (here, here, and here - to name a few) and throw them some spare change. Brilliant!

As for the Abracadabra comment, it's a perfect description: One minute your limp and then - BAM! - you've got a stiffy. How has Viagra not put two and two together and introduced this as its new slogan?



Apologies to the good people over at Black Heart Gold Pants, but Iowa stumbles in at No. 9 on The Realests' Big Ten countdown. Once THE hot candidate for an NFL job, shit has gone haywire the last two years for Kirk Ferentz, on and off the field (see below):

2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 6-6 (4-4)
Projected 2008 Finish: 9th
Returning Starters: 15
Head Coach: Kirk Ferentz
Best Player: DT Mitch King

Good News:

- Like Indiana, this schedule is a disgrace. No Michigan or Ohio State and cupcakes against FIU and I-AA Maine, where Ferentz got his first gig. Asking favors from your old programs - are you really getting that desperate Kirk?

- JuCo transfer Nate Guillory sounds like the real deal. There shouldn't be too much of a drop-off despite the graduation of Albert Young.

- People are saying sophomore WR Derrell Johnson-Koulianos - "DJK" as the cool kids call him - is the next Steve Breaston. So does that mean he will get worse every year?

- Somehow Ferentz has built another top-notch D-Line with corn-fed whities. DTs Matt Kroul and Mitch King are the strength of this team.

Not-So-Good News:

- The Iowa City prison needs to open an H-block for all the criminals on this team. The blame has been unfairly pinned squarely on Ferentz, but patience is thin when you're losing.

- Jake Christensen: Yikes. Four of his last 5 games were complete disasters, including a 20-37, 2 INT clunker in a loss to 4-7 Western Michigan.

- We'll say it again: There's just too many white dudes for us to take this program seriously. Nine white starters on offense - what is this, the Ivy League?

- The O-Line and wide receivers were a complete disaster in 2007 after mastermind WRs Dominique Douglas (pictured) and Anthony Bowman got busted for a credit card scam. Last year's second-leading receiver James Cleveland? Oh yeah, he got the boot too. Everyone is counting on improvement simply because these guys are a year older. Yeah, so is Joe Paterno. What's your point?

- The secondary was also dismal last year and they lost both CBs. The replacements both sat out the spring with injuries. It's slim pickins here too, folks.


Things have gotten downright ugly in Iowa City and the natives are restless. People are calling for Kirk Ferentz's head, something unthinkable just two years ago (hence the contract to - gulp - 2012). After going 31-7 from 2002-04, the Hawkeyes are just 19-18 the last two seasons.

How sad is this? Despite the fact they don't play OSU or Michigan, we're still picking the Hawkeyes 9th! We don't see how anyone that witnessed last year's season finale could pick them any higher: With a bowl bid on the line, Iowa got rocked by a dreadful Western Michigan team at home. Down 19-0 at one point, Hawkeye fans booed mercilessly. Expect more of the same this year.



What can we possibly add to this?

Go straight to the 1:10 mark:

Jerry: You've done it again.


Apparently Lil Wayne had so many genius lines left over from "Lollipop" he felt obligated to give the fans a remix with Kanye West. This would definitely fall into that category:

"I flushed out the feeling of me being the shit. Cuz I was leaving skid marks on everywhere I sit."

This isn't the first time Weezy has waxed poetic on shit, but is this really where hip-hop bravado is headed - rapping about your poop stains?

Well if crapping your pants is cool, consider us Miles Davis.



After ending its 13-year bowl drought last season, it's back to the cellar for the boys from Bloomington with question marks everywhere on offense.

2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 7-6 (3-5)
Projected 2008 Finish: 10th
Returning Starters: 14
Head Coach: Bill Lynch
Best Player: QB Kellen Lewis

Good News:

- You can argue the Big Ten's best quarterback is Curtis Painter, but for our money Lewis is tops.

- You know Fresno State's "Anyone. Anytime. Any time." slogan? At IU, it's the exact opposite. They start off with powerhouses Western Kentucky and Murray State, then have the easiest schedule in the Big Ten - AGAIN. That means no Michigan or Ohio State - AGAIN. Hey, can we get two years off of playing Ohio State???

- Defensive end Greg Middleton is a 2009 first round draft pick. Enjoy those triple teams, hoss.

Not-So-Good News:

- Lewis has been suspended since prior to the Spring Game for a violation of team rules. A circus has ensued as IU fans beg for his reinstatement.

- 6-7 WR and touchdown machine James Hardy bolted early for the NFL. Three starting linemen are gone. Get used to the picture above - whoever's playing QB will be running for their life.

- After a decent start to 2007, the IU defense was exposed as a fraud. The wheels came flying off in the last 6 weeks, giving up 52 points to State and 49 to Oklahoma State in the Insight Bowl.

- Still wondering who the hell Bill Lynch is? The guy couldn't hack it at Ball State and was coaching at DePauw four years ago. We'd rather have Stan Parrish running our team (seriously, is this guy an offensive genius now?).


Only at Indiana is a 3-win Big Ten season considered a success. Well they won't match that total this year with or without Kellen Lewis. Oh yeah, note to Bill Lynch: End Lewis' suspension already - the sham is up. I'm sure the classic summer suspension has taught Lewis a lot but does anyone really think Lynch will boot his meal ticket? Didn't think so.

Indiana and its spread attack should still be able to put up some points against crappy Big Ten defenses, but will lay an egg whenever they face a real D (see last year's 33-3 loss to Wisconsin). And without Terry Hoeppner on the recruiting trail, Indiana will be stuck in the Big Ten basement for the forseeable future.



That Braylon Edwards - he never stops cracking us up.

There's a feature on him "going Hollywood" in the current issue of ESPN The Magazine. We were rolling on the floor after reading this quote from Bray before he entered a meeting with L.A. bigwigs:

The 25-year-old Browns receiver's ensemble was carefully designed, he says, to show he's professional and fun. Even his fragrance, Bond No. 9, serves a higher purpose. "It's my war cologne," he says. "It's a strong, masculine scent. I wear it when I'm trying to show confidence or be dominant."

Say what??? Seriously, how does dude say that with a straight face?

This guy deserves some serious props for completely transforming his image from prima donna to media darling - and becoming a top 10 NFL receiver.

But admit it. The guy's still got a little R. Kelly in him...

P.S. How about the immortal Hayes Grooms cashing in as his business manager?! Yeah Hayes!

Editor's Note: You have no idea how much sleep we lost deciding R.O.W. honors between Braylon and Will from The Real World, who: 

A) Cheated on his girlfriend in Cancun. 

B) Had a foursome after the girlfriend dumped him.

C) Didn't tell her about said foursome when given a second chance and made himself cry to get back in her good graces.



The disappointment never ends with this guy. MGoBlog has the dibs on Kevin Grady's DWI arrest in Wyoming, Mich. this morning.

Judging by dawg's mug shot, Grady will be lucky if he's on the team in a month.

Of course, this is Dick Rod we're talking about. He had a player on WVU that was convicted of sticking up a Smoothie King, so who knows.

Either way, the former top 25 recruit - yeah, that's him rated one spot ahead of Rashard Mendenhall - is fast on his way to becoming the next Kelly Baraka. We've got even money on him playing I-AA ball by October.


We pity those of you that have already used up your summer Vegas trip.

That's because we here at The Realests have discovered that not only is Brian Ellerbe hanging out in Sin City, former Olympic and Michigan gymnast Elise Ray is also there performing in Cirque du Soleil (coincidentally, that's what we suspected Ellerbe was doing).

She is part of the "Cadre "act, twirling on a high bar as a zebra. Yes, you read that correctly.

It's hard out there for a former gymnast. Just ask 2004 gold medal winner Carly Patterson, who is currently trying to launch a singing career.

Or ask Ray's former teammate at Michigan, "Ms. Thang" Calli Ryals, who is still plugging away at a career in film. After a critically acclaimed debut in Stick It, the only thing to change on her IMDB page in the last two years are publicity photos she got done herself.

Anyway: Kick back, drop a couple quaaludes and enjoy the freak show.



It's that time of year again, people.

Throw away your Lindy's, your Sporting News, and most definitely your Phil Steele college football specials - The Realests Big Ten Preview has arrived. After our basketball preview ran a month over schedule, we're kicking off the football outlook on this glorious July 1st.

Get hyped!

2007 Preview:
2007 Record: 1-11 (0-8)
Projected 2008 Finish: 11th
Returning Starters: 17
Head Coach: Tim Brewster
Best Player: WR Eric Decker

Good News:

- Somehow, some way, Punky Brewster brought in a (JuCo heavy) top 20 recruiting class, including stud QB MarQueis Gray. Overheard in Minnesota's football offices: "Ron, I'm gonna need you to lend me those hookers..."

- We mocked it last year, but TCF Bank Stadium is actually really coming along! Maybe it's a little late for this, but what's going to appeal to recruits about playing in sub-zero temperatures again?

Not-So-Good News:

- This team lost to D-II North Dakota State last year at home!

- As sad as it sounds, Minnesota was lucky to be 1-11. Miami (OH) shanked a 33-yard field goal that would have put Minny at 0-12.

- Tim Brewster brought in the spread offense but forgot to design a defense. The Gophers finished dead last (119th) in total D. Minnesota's big offseason move: Hiring fired Duke head coach Ted Roof to close the flood gates. BTW, Duke finished 92nd in total defense last year. Good luck with that...

- Three starters on the offensive line are gone. This just in: blocking is important in the spread offense.

- 2006 standout CB Dominic Jones is in jail for the next four years. But hey, he should be jacked for his 2012 return!


As often happens, the Minnesota athletic department got greedy and canned Glen Mason after another mediocre season 2006. Brewster booted three defensive players before his first game and pretty much bent over and grabbed his ankles for the rest of the year. The Gophers put up some points with the spread offense but the Swiss Cheese defense couldn't stop anybody.

Brewster has taken the Ron Zook route and recruited like crazy in hopes of a miraculous turnaround. Sadly, this won't be the year. Expect the Gophers to close out the Metrodome in style with another dead-last finish.