12.22.2008

BRAYLON'S DOUCHERY KNOWS NO BOUNDARY


From Peter King's latest column (Note: How did we miss this?! Where were you guys on that one, dipshits?!):

"I've given my all to this city for four years, and I realize it will never be enough. I went to the Pro Bowl last year and resurrected this team from the darkness, and nobody cared... I've been doing all this community service in Cleveland. My charity efforts will only be in Detroit from now on.''

Don't take it out on da kids, Bray! Not the kids!!!!!!

So because the Dawg Pound heckles the shit out of Braylon, Lil Ray Ray still has to walk barefoot to school every day in the snow? Yeah, that makes sense.

We're sure Team Braylon is in the war room right now working on damage control and will bust out a monster check to a Cleveland Children's Fund. Whatever Bray...

12.21.2008

ROB PARKER GETS LOW

Rob Parker is starting to make Drew Sharp look like Bob Woodward.

Just in case you missed the Lions' postgame presser, here is a direct question from the Detroit News columnist to coach Rod Marinelli about his son-in-law, Joe Barry:

"Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?"

You sir, are an asshole. We have 0 sympathy for Marinelli (to his credit, so does he), but openly mocking someone in a press conference after they just got their brains beat in again is low even for us bloggers.

Expect some major backlash on this one 24 hours from now considering Parker's recent controversy and the hatred for him on the blogosphere - "The Big Lead" calls him the Worst Columnist in America.

And expect TONS of e-mails saying, "Why don't you bring back my delivery and instead cut costs by firing this hack." Should be fun.

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS

Brace yourselves folks: Season 5 of LOST premieres exactly one month from today. As always, this is the place for any and all things Lost. Now take a deep breath:



Doesn't that just give you goose bumps? (No homo)

RON ENGLISH TO EMU......... WOW

What's with former Michigan coordinator flame-outs getting jobs left and right? First Stan Parrish landed at Ball State, now Ron English is the head coach at Eastern.

Hey, how about Scott Shafer to the Lions - why not?!

In all seriousness - putting the 2007 debacle behind us - congrats to English. There's no tougher job than being a D1 assistant and there can be no feeling like walking into your new stadium for the first time and thinking to yourself, "I own this bitch."

Here's hoping he gets that morbid program turned around but still enjoys a good Big Blue beatdown every couple years.

12.20.2008

BEAVER!


We know what you're thinking: Beaver backed out, must see what The Realests have to say.

Well you're in luck.

According to a source very close to the situation, Lloyd Carr stormed into Bill Martin's office today after watching game tape of Shavodrick and screamed, "NO BLACK QUARTERBACK WILL EVER BE A MICHIGAN MAN!!!!!!!!!!" after which Martin immediately pulled his scholarship.

We can't verify that it's true. But we're 99.99% sure it is.

12.19.2008

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

Murphy Lee: Easily one of the best 22,000 rappers of our time. Enjoy:

12.17.2008

NOTE TO BILL MARTIN

Time to open the check book!

Screw the athletic budget surplus and the economy.

With Scott Shafter's resignation, there's only one sure thing for the open Michigan D coordinator position, and that's the man we let get away last season - Jeff Casteel.

What can we say: we love these crazy gimmick defenses!

Former Auburn DC Paul Rhoads is a decent fall-back plan IF he doesn't flee to Iowa State, but is our next-best option really Notre Dame's Corwin Brown? The same guy that let Sam McGuffie run laps around his swiss cheese defense? We'll pass.

Casteel might turn us down again but we know one thing: After one season under Bill Stewart, we'd either be headed for greener pastures or a straight jacket. It's time to back the dump truck up to his Morgantown home and see just how loyal he is to WVU. We're already knee-deep in shit and while some alumni will go crazy throwing more money at the football program right now, this is our chance to get it right.

'Nuff said.

12.16.2008

BRAYLON EDWARDS ACTS A FOOL - AGAIN

Bray, we tried to warn you last night. Every time you open your mouth, bad shit happens.

Cleveland fans are irate in response to Edwards' post-MNF interview. Here are some choice cuts:

"Since day one I've been a marked man coming from Michigan."

Bray, are you really playing that card? Cleveland might be Ohio State Country but that's really weak. The fact is Cleveland is full of Neanderthals that chuck beers on the field, heckle opponents over their dead mothers and break their QBs down to tears. Toughen up.

"I've learned being here I'm very under appreciated, not by the organization..not the organization, but in the eyes of the fans and the city."

Your team is 4-10 and hasn't scored a TD in four games and you're among the league leader in drops. What exactly is the correct level of appreciation for that output again? Hey, weren't you just comparing yourself to LeBron?

"It's not even frustrating anymore...I mean it's been that way, we haven't scored a touchdown in four games..which is pretty embarrassing..so for me it's not even frustrating anymore."

Oh boy, the old "I'm only looking out for No. 1" routine. That will surely win over Browns fans!

"Right now I'm having fun - I mean we didn't win the game but I was out there and when I lined up I was having fun."

You have fun getting the shit kicked out of you? Herm Edwards would like to see you for a second:

12.15.2008

BREAKING NEWS: NON-PARRISH-ABLE!!!!!

That's right, folks. You heard it here first: Stan Parrish, the former Michigan offensive coordinator run out of town after the 2002 Citrus Bowl Massacre, will be the new head coach of Ball State.

Granted, it's the MAC. But the fact this man has a head coaching gig on the terms he left Michigan - and considering he was a ridonkulous 2-30-1 during his last head coaching job at Kansas State - simply boggles the mind.

And not only is Parrish back in the saddle again - fans were even fighting over this guy!

It would be easy to poke fun at Parrish's last season at Michigan one more time (although right now the triad of Navarre, Askew and Walker looks like Montana, Craig and Rice), but you have to give the guy props for completely reinventing himself and becoming an "offensive guru."

With Nate Davis and MiQuale Lewis back next year, the Birds will be a serious threat to repeat the MAC and - dare we say it - challenge for a BCS bowl!!! (No, we don't dare.)

On to the Toilet Bowl!

PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SAY THIS

Michelle Tafoya just came on for a MNF preview with this: "Braylon Edwards said he is starting to get settled in this season."

Bray: Please tell me you didn't use those words before your team's Week 15 game. Please tell me this is just the media hating on you again.

Otherwise, this could be worse than talking about your "war cologne."

"I SEEN HOOP DREAMS DEFLATE..."


The first person to finish this sentence correctly gets a free bottle of Armadale...

Update: One bottle of Armi heading to:

Conseco Fieldhouse
125 S. Pennsylvania St.
Indianapolis, IN 46204

12.14.2008

SDSU? IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?


A real head-scratcher from former Michigan assistant Brady Hoke, who has reportedly taken the job at San Diego State University (no word on whether Stan "The Man" Parrish will be joining him, but we assume that's the case).

Is this really the best a 12-1 season at Ball State will get you???

Obviously if the Aztecs AD lost his mind SMU-style and threw truck loads of money at Hoke, then stop reading this post now.

But we don't see that happening at a school that hasn't had a winning record in an entire decade. Or maybe Marshall Faulk is coming back for a second tour of duty.

How this looks - as of now - is that Hoke got stuck standing up during a game of musical chairs. Said to be in the running for the Auburn job, this seems like a complete knee-jerk reaction to ditch his alma mater for the slightest step up the coaching ladder.

Yeah, a lot of jobs just got taken (K-State, Syracuse, Auburn, Clemson and Mississippi State).

But why in the world take the job now when there are openings at BCS schools like Washington and Iowa State (Update: How could we forget Steve Sarkisian like that?!)?

If nothing else, why not stick around for one more year, ride Nate Davis' coat tails to another MAC crown and wait for possible openings at schools like Louisville, Notre Dame, Indiana, Colorado and The U.?

Are we missing something here???

Mark our words: He'll regret this decision next year when he's stuck inside the armpit known as Qualcomm Stadium while Buffalo's Turner Gill is naming his price.

12.11.2008

SHITBALLS

Thanks to the tip below, we checked out Busta Rhymes' "Arab Money."



And we wonder why people hate us? This is currently being shown in terrorist training camps across Pakistan - right between the climbing wall and the monkey bars.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Not Tim Tebow - Bob Tebow.

If you are not watching the College Football Awards on ESPN, you are missing out on some of the greatest unintentional comedy in televised history.

After Hannah Storm's eloquent feature on Tim Tebow circumsizing kids in Southeast Asia, his dad, Bob, dropped this bombshell when asked by Lee Corso what made him most proud as a father.

"I'm the most proud of how he treats people. I remember after his freshman year - the LSU game - when he had that first jump pass and you guys were talking about him on national television.

Later that night, we went to dinner and a little boy kind of hovering behind him and didn't know what to say. Timmy sensed him and turned around and talked to him for awhile and found something for him to sign and gave it to him.

And I turned to him and said, 'Son, that was the best play of the day.' "

Wait... is this guy for real???

12.10.2008

NEW HOTNESS

How does Jim Jones do it? Every time he comes out with a new song my first reaction is "Complete garbage."

The second time I listen to it? "Instant classic!"

He's like George "Co-stan-za!" in that way:



Needless to say, we've been pouring bottles of Andre all over our heads for the past week-and-a-half.

12.09.2008

END OF THE AMAKER COACHING TREE?

The Tommy Amaker Coaching Tree is in serious jeopardy of getting chopped down after its lone branch, Eastern Michigan coach Charles Ramsey, was suspended yesterday for three days after an altercation with a student.

EMU says it was "nothing serious" but the suspension says otherwise.

We aren't tied into the Ypsilanti Rumor Mill and have no idea what Ramsey did, but it sure sounds like Ramsey flipped a heckler the bird or something of that nature.

That's not good when your coaching record is 36-63 - even at Eastern.

But hey, we hear Boston is lovely this time of year...

Editor's Note: Simply put: We almost lost to a Savannah State team that just got clubbed by Georgetown, 100-38. But who needs polls when we've got our dancin' shoes on?!?!

12.07.2008

I'M SAD YOU'RE DEAD

Dear Wallace,

I'm sorry that you're dead.



I'm sorry that you're best friends in the world killed you over some bullshit. I'm sorry that D'Angelo didn't have the foresight to realize the terrible things that were going to happen to you. I'm sorry that the Baltimore Police Department refused to put you up in a proper witness protection program and instead, sent you down to the shore, unsupervised, to be with family members that hadn't seen you in 7 years. I'm sorry that the sound of crickets, of peace and quiet, drove you crazy and back to the Pit and West Baltimore. I'm sorry that West Baltimore is all you knew and felt comfortable knowing. I'm sorry that you never got a chance to go back to Edmonson and enroll yourself in the 9th grade.


I'm sorry that Bodie and Poot put the game over their friendship with you. I'm sorry that Bodie didn't realize soon enough that the soldiers in the game are just pawns and that you don't move up to a position of power - you just get used. I'm sorry that I ever liked Stringer Bell. I'm sorry that I never noticed how absolutely evil and manipulative he was when he called Bodie over to his car and asked him if he was ready to put in work. I'm sorry that the police found your body because someone had to leave an anonymous tip saying that an animal had died in a vacant. I'm sorry your mom didn't care about you enough to want to know where you were. I'm sorry I ever celebrated Bodie as a hero of the show and sorry that I felt bad for Poot when we found out he was working a 9 to 5 at Foot Locker. I'm sorry that when people talk about the kids in The Wire, they talk about Namond, Dukie, Michael and Randy and forget about you. I'm sorry that "Stop Snitching" was ever invented.


I'm sorry that you're dead.

12.05.2008

BROKEN ENGLISH

Poor Ron English.

Was it really just two years ago that he was THE hot coordinator in college football and people in Ann Arbor dreaded that he'd bounce to another D1 job before Lloyd Carr retired?

Man that seems like a long time ago.

Instead, he ended up at UL with Steve Krapthorpe.

This year he did a decent job of turning around the abysmal Louisville defense and had himself in the running for the head coaching gigs at San Diego State and Eastern Michigan.

But we've just got this feeling they're both going to head in another direction.

That's what 6 Mike Teel TDs will do to you - in the first half!

THE REVENGE

Thanks to The Dude, stumbled across this bit from The Knicks Blog about who they should pick up in the case of Cuttino Mobley's retirement:

"But for me, with the need for shotblocking help, Walsh should look to former Michigan standout Courtney Sims who is eating up the D league early averaging 8 blocks and 14 rebounds."

You read that correctly: eating up the D league.

The only thing we remember Sims eating up at Michigan was elbows to the face.

Sims' current statline? 20.3 PPG, 12.0 RPG, 5.7 BPG - which includes a season-opening triple-double (22 PTS, 17 REB, 11 BLK).

Somewhere, Dr. James Naismith is rolling over in his grave.

12.04.2008

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

We'll be the first to admit this Old School Jam sucks. It just has a special place in our hearts. So eat it:

12.02.2008

ANOTHER R.O.Y. CONTENDER


You know how the movie studios jam the Oscar favorites down your throat this time of year to stay fresh in voters' minds?

Well that's about how we feel with the Realest of the Year honors when - in the course of 4 days - Plax caps himself, Starbury goes off on an incoherent rant and Sean Avery calls Elisha Cuthbert "sloppy seconds."

(Seriously, why won't major media outlets use the phrase? It took me over a minute to find what Avery finally said. The shame.)

And there's still 27 days left!

Pace yourselves, people!

SPORTSWRITING GONE WRONG

We've never taken issue with Dan Wetzel - until now.

Dude, you can't seriously think TROY (TROY!!!) should play for the national title:

12.01.2008

REALEST OF THE WEEK


We'd all but given 2008 Realest of the Year honors to Chad Ocho Cinco after he legally changed his name. When the NFL put the kibosh on his new jersey, we were expecting a complete circus. Instead? The guy hasn't acted a fool once. We guess he's too busy playing crap football.

Well Stephon Marbury is setting the new standard for NBA cancers (watch your back, Ricky D) by - this season alone - refusing to play and blasting his teammates on the way out the door:

"They left me out for dead. It's like we're in a foxhole and I'm facing the other way. If I got shot in the head, at least you want to get shot by the enemy. I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."

Stephon: At no point were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. We award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

Editor's Note: So true, Singer... Plax will get his due.

11.30.2008

EPIPHANY OF AN ASSCLOWN SPORTSWRITER

What extremely intelligent insight can I add that hasn't already been said about the BCS controversy?

*****Light bulb!!!!!*****

Texas Tech is getting screwed too because they beat Texas! Why aren't they in the discussion?!?!?!?!?!??!

....You've done it again....




Nice try, ass wipe. You can't have a national champion that lost a game by 44 points. You just can't. And if you can't respect that, your whole perspective is wack.

For the record, we think Texas deserves to play for the national title but Oklahoma is the better team.

Our long-term solution is a four-team playoff but for right now we're calling on Big 12 Commish Dan Beebe to grow a pair, boot Mizzou from the title game and have a UT-OU showdown to set up an orgasmic weekend of college football.

11.26.2008

REALESTS T-DAY PREDICTION

We don't need to remind you of our past prediction prowess, so we'll just say this:

Lions 48, Titans 36.

Drew Henson: 37-52, 407 YDS, 4 TDs.

Any questions?

Call us suckers, but we'll never give up on the Drewski. At least until he gets cut by the Lions.

Then we're done.

11.25.2008

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

The MGoBlog post about The Realests really got us thinking: There's been a huge shortage of Lil Wayne on this blog recently.

Well we decided to dip into our archive and dust off a classic from the cinematic debut Baller Blockin' (2000) by the Case Money Millionaires (not to be confused with the Cash Money Billionaires, the Big Tymers or Hot Boys).

For those who haven't seen it, Blockin' falls somewhere between Baby Geniuses and State Property.

It's amazing to think about Wayne's longevity when you see him next to flash-in-the-pan artists like Juvenile, Birdman and Mannie Fresh.

And lastly, a quick shout-out to Sobes, who personally turned this into our dorm room's freshman year anthem by blasting before every single party at TEP.



And with that, enjoy your Thanksgiving.

11.24.2008

DEFENDING OUR TAKE ON RR

We'll be the first to tell you that MGoBlog is a trillion times better than this site and that if it's the Charles Woodson of Michigan blogs, we are the Johnny Sears.

But we'd like to defend our position that Rich Rod MUST reach a BCS bowl in 2010 or face the axe if we win 6 or 7 games next season - a position Brian Cook vehemently disagrees with:

We aren’t saying SHOULD Rich Rod be fired in 2010 if this happens. Bill Martin made a ballsy choice by going with RR and there’s no turning back now or two years down the road. No doubt it would take at least another two years for someone else to come in, implement a new system and recruit their own players to be successful.

What we’re saying is that Bill Martin won’t be able to handle the heat if Michigan goes, say, 8-4 and winds up in the Outback Bowl in 2010. Point blank: Whether it's fair or not, that's the reality of coaching Michigan.

This is what Dick Rod ALREADY has working against him after one season:

• The sloppy West Virginia divorce. Do we give a shit about that? No. But it’s just more ammo for anyone gunning at RR that this has been a complete shitshow from the beginning.

• Public perception as a sleaze bag. That includes the Justin Boren transfer, Joe Tiller’s “snake-oil salesman” comments, Jim Tressel’s “gentleman” jab (all minor by themselves) and the AA Rumor Mill already spinning about how much the players hate him for constantly degrading them as “C****” and “P******”.

• A very fair argument that this team actually regressed over the course of the season. I remember people saying it felt like we won the Utah game because we actually fought back and showed potential. People even said that after Notre Dame, insisting once we cut out the turnovers we'd have a real offense. Now this team's being dubbed the biggest embarassment in school history.

• The appearance, at the very least, that this Michigan team is already divided. Everyone saw Charles Stewart go apeshit on the sidelines, but there was TONS of finger-pointing on Saturday (Donovan Warren stood out in particular although we would have screamed at Stevie Brown all Saturday too) and Brandon Minor basically called out teammates afterward. Of course everyone’s going to be pissed off at the end of this season. But aside from winning, NOTHING is more important to Michigan except its "pristine image" - especially in the post-Fab Five Era.

• A “free pass” with Michigan fans that expired sooner than anyone expected. He was supposed to get at least one year; instead he got about six games. This is the same fan base that revolted against Lloyd Carr for “mediocrity” despite 3 trips to the Rose Bowl in his final 4 years and reputation as a class act (please believe we aren’t defending Lloyd, just stating the facts).

• The pressure on Bill Martin would be absolutely CRUSHING to get the program back into the hands of a “Michigan Man” such as Jim Harbaugh, Les Miles or even Brady Hoke (if you post a comment below stating we should have hired Hoke instead of Rodriguez, we will hunt you down and destroy you). As recent college graduates, we’re completely disillusioned about how many fans agreed with us that the football program needed a complete overhaul. We caught a huge break that the Les Miles negotiations turned into a complete debacle and there really were no other “Michigan Men” that made viable candidates. RR is still getting shit for the smallest slights of tradition, i.e. not naming permanent team captains, giving away #1 to a non-receiver or not telling the complete oral history of the Little Brown Jug. We agree: It's completely absurd. But again, this will come back to haunt Rod if he doesn't win.

• We hear a lot of "Rich Rod can't be expected to reach a BCS bowl with a sophomore QB!" Please. Doesn't Sam Bradford already feel like a 7th-year senior to you? A QB that's started an entire year (whether it's Forcier or Beaver) has plenty of experience in the college game - just ask LSU or Wisconsin.

• The fact 8-4 doesn’t mean dick these days. Wisconsin and Minnesota are 7-5 and we won’t even get started on how bad either looked last weekend. Throw in a nonconference schedule over the next two years that will feature 3 complete Jokers and Notre Dame, and there’s no way 8-4 will cut it in 2010.

• Jim Tressel. This guy took John Cooper’s complete mess and won the national title in Year Two! And if Michigan loses to Michigan in 2009 and 2010 (which they will have to avoid to reach a BCS bowl in 2010), that will be seven losses in a row to Ohio State (OK, that's a lot of "ifs" - we're just explaining our logic here).

And you don’t think heads will be rolling at that point? Yeah, good luck with that RR.

Editor's Update: To whoever posted below: Eat it.

11.23.2008

"THE DAY AFTER" POSTGAME REACTIONS

So much for "Shock the World Weekend." After somehow convincing ourselves that Michigan actually had a shot at a 1969-esque upset that would save the season, it turned into the bloodbath everyone expected.

Here us what we remember from the nightmare:

• We're not sure if this was visible from the aerial shots, but there were NO Michigan fans there. It really was astonishing. The entire visitor's section was full of Buckeyes and there couldn't have been more than 5,000 Michigan fans in the entire place. Can't really blame UM fans for not showing up at this point but we felt like we were traveling with Rice.

• I never thought I'd say this, but Ohio State fans don't even hate Michigan anymore. How sad is that? We're like their version of State - just a bunch of jokers. I still believe if John Navarre had completed that TD pass in 2002, I would have suffered serious bodily harm (as evidenced by the guy next to me screaming after the INT, "Take your P****** back up North!!!!!"). Yesterday when we were walking out of the stadium, OSU fans were passing along their condolences and trying to shake our hands for traveling to C-Bus. It was disgusting.

• We don't want to become one of those crazy fan sites, but Scott Shafer really should be fired. Granted, Dick Rod's really in a no-win situation here. If Shafer is whacked, people will say RR is unloyal and passing the blame onto his assistants. But there's NO WAY the defense should have been this bad. The 2-play, 90-yard drive was absolute rock bottom. Overall, the second half collapses were mind-boggling. Agaist Illinois, Penn State and Ohio State combined, we were outscored 88-6... 88-6! Marinate on that for a second.

• Happy Trails, Sam McGuffie! We've already resigned ourselves to the fact The Matrix is transferring, and who can blame the kid? Every time he touches the ball is like watching a commercial for Terry Tate Office Linebacker. He could really be a valuable kick returner/3rd down back for Big Blue, but who can blame the kid if he heads home to play for Sam Houston State?

• This sounds insane but we were actually pleasantly surprised by the offense yesterday. After the first couple drives, it looked like we weren't going to pick up a first down. Brandon Minor continued to look like a star in the making and we actually got into a rhythm late in the 2nd quarter before the wheels fell off on defense. We're looking for any positives here, people!

• You know in "The Program" when Omar Epps carries a football around campus everywhere he goes? Martavious Odoms should do that for the next 9 months. That's all we have to say about that or we will end up smashing a lamp shade over our head.

• And now for the Million Dollar Question: Will Dick Rod turn it around in Year 2? Our guess: Not really. We're predicting a sloppy 7-5 campaign (Notre Dame is just as big a disaster and we will go to the ends of the Earth to find the other 3 biggest nonconference cupcakes in the land after losing to Appalachian State and Toledo in consecutive years) and a loss in the Alamo, setting up a situation in Year 3 that he MUST reach a BCS bowl. No pressure, though.

11.20.2008

SHOCK THE WORLD WEEKEND!!!!!!!!

Yeah, Michigan invented that phrase. And now we're busting it out 20 years later.

The mission is clear: One down, two to go (OK, we didn't invent that phrase).

Now that Michigan hoops has knocked off UCLA, it's time to down our two arch-rivals and get our swag (last seen below) back, kids!

Can't say enough about John Beilein tonight. Their stud freshman is Jrue Holiday and ours is Stu "Big Dick" Douglass. That really says it all. As Dickie V would say, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!"

The most relieved man in America right now has to be Bill Martin. Just when we think he can't get any dumber - with the basketball and football teams both recording the worst seasons in school history - he goes and does something like this... AND COMPLETELY REDEEMS HIMSELF!!!!!

OK, we're off to Columbus. We'll be back on Monday to gloat some more.



SHAWN LAZARUS FLIPS THE SCRIPT

This is dated today but we find it hard to believe we just came across this hours after it was posted.

Anyway, in the long line of massive white ogre DTs at Michigan, it appears Shawn Lazarus just spilled his guts on the Internet today and became a born-again Christian.

Woah big fella. We're not really sure what to say.

Go Blue?

JIM JONES ENTERS THEATER GAME

And we thought plays were for douches.

That's until we heard about the "off-off-off-Broadway" production, "Hip-Hop Monologues: Inside the Life and Mind of Jim Jones." Sounds like a real classic:

"When controversial but true to the street rapper Jim Jones returns home to his Harlem neighborhood, his fame creates quite a buzz with reporters, fans, old friends and jealous enemies. After almost getting killed in an impromptu dice game, Jim is counseled by an old-school elder on how to endure the stresses of being famous and the great responsibility of teaching the next generation. Jim ultimately finds himself having to make the decision of his life: taking the elder’s wise advice or returning to his street ways at the risk of losing everything."

In other Jim Jones news, he has also sworn off saying "My n****" and replaced it with "My Obama."

Well, it's official: Jones is brain-dead.

11.16.2008

A FOND FAREWELL TO TRL

This is one of the darker days in Realests history.

It's up there with W's reelection in '04, "34-2", Michigan's loss to Appalachian State and the entire 2008 season.

So you bet your ass we'll be watching tonight's final episode of TRL (8:00 PM) with a bottle of Malibu in one hand and a hanky in the other (oh how we'll miss idiots screaming their heads off at the end of every request...)

Please join us in the mourning of crap songs like this that - in a way - is also a way of saying goodbye to a part of ourselves.

As Jay would say: "There's food for thought - you do the dishes."

THAT COULD BE A WRAP FOR G. ROB


Call it our Sixth Sense - but we have a very strong feeling Greg Robinson will be relieved of his duties as Syracuse head coach on Monday.

We don't cheer for coaches to be fired (this changes families' livelihoods) but after dropping to 2-8, the alums are going bonkers and it's the only way to end the season in a positive way (see: Washington).

11.13.2008

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

Atten-CHUN!!!!!!

This is the epitome of gutter rap. Do you think it's just a coincidence that inner-city homicides jumped 1,000% the summer this came out?

Probably.

FAKEST OF THE WEEK


We all got a good laugh on signing day 2005 when Myron Rolle declared he would be attending Florida State because of its great medical school.

But we're not laughing anymore. Getting your game time changed so you can interview as a finalist for the Rhodes Scholarship, then doing the Deion Sanders-helicopter-into-the-game act?

Stop playin', Myron!

While columnists across the country goo themselves writing about this, it's time for a reality check.

I've been to Oxford. It's just a snobbier Ivy. Why not enter your name in the NFL Draft instead, rake in tens of millions before you blow your knees out at 25 and THEN do the whole "Finding myself" thing?

11.12.2008

2008-09 MICHIGAN BBALL FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Huge win over Northeastern tonight. Bring on the Bruins! After missing last night's game (and skipping the entire Big Ten Preview), here's our take on this year's team.

• Manny Harris is WAY too good to play for Michigan. Thanks Tommy! Corperryale with a near-triple-double in his second game? Very LeBron James-esque. And how sweet would those back-to-back dunks have been? I'd love to say "Wait 'til next year" with this guy, but I'm not sure there will be one. Our only hope is that Harris realizes he'll get pounded in the NBA with his current frame and comes back for Michigan's first trip to The Dance since '98.

• LOVED the "Hair Gel" chant by the Maize Rage. It's all that needed to be said. That's why we're the Leaders And Best, folks!

• Very encouraging performance by DeShawn Sims after shooting under 40-percent last season. But dude still settles for the outside shot too much. This guy makes Vagina Face look tough on the block.

• Zack Gibson is a poor man's Graham Brown. That's not a good thing. I've seen more talent at the IM Building.

• We're still bitter about Robin Benzing being declared ineligible this season. You won't hear about it at all this season because Benzing is stuck in Europe, but we really could have used him. You don't hear anyone comparing Gibston to Dirk Nowitzki.

• What does it say about the rest of Michigan's roster that Stu Douglas is splitting the backcourt with Manny? If Harris gets injured we might as well forfeit the entire season (hey, we've done it before). We don't care how Beilein finds them (don't count on landing anyone from Detroit), but he needs a real recruiting class.

• Kelvin Grady is the most overhyped player in Michigan history since Kevin Grady. Do these two just sit in their dorm room all day smoking bud and playing Mario Kart?

SIDE NOTES:

• There's been WAY to much coverage about the new 3-point line now that we've finally seen it in person. If they really wanted to curb 3s, they should have pushed it halfway out to the NBA line.

• How crazy was it watching Jay Williams doing color on The U? This guy should be dominating in the NBA right now. People forget how ridiculous he was in college.

• We expect this from the rest of Crisler Arena, but the Maize Rage's attendance was dismal. I don't care if Michigan's got back-to-backs: Get your ass out there and find that fuckin' dog!

OK that's a wrap for now. See you all at The Garden. And remember, drinks are on Bill Martin!

TURTLE? ... REALLY?

Reason 367,783,632,354 celebrities have better lives than us: Even in real life, Jamie-Lynn Sigler jerks off Turtle.

We'd resigned ourselves to the fact that, like his character on "Entourage", Jerry Ferrara regularly outkicked his coverage in real life with Adrian Grenier's sloppy seconds, but this is just ... mind blowing.

For her to pick Turtle over any douche bag in southern California - we don't know whether to applaud or cry.

Probably both.

11.10.2008

YOU BASTARDS!!!!!!!


Why did no one give us a heads up about this?!

Two years after saving Gunston from annihilation, George Mason has once again decided to discontinue the loveable furball. It's like some kind of doggy genocide going on over there in Fairfax.

This is the same school that once praised him, citing his "out-of-this-world dance moves and enthusiasm for Mason Athletics, Gunston is the Patriots' most recognized and biggest fan, soaking in all of what George Mason University has to offer."

Of course, GMU doesn't have the balls to say they're killing him off - instead saying Gunston's "graduating" to participate in "Go Green" events. (Is this Obama's plan to fixing the energy crisis?)

Spare us your PR machine. We know, and his 5,000 Facebook friends know, you're putting the dirty mutt to sleep.

We can only hope the person in possession of the costume has enough balls to show at Mason's home opener in character with a noose around his neck and constantly give the new mascot the slit-throat from the student section.

And we're once again calling on Realests Nation to take a stand. We already saved him once. How hard could it be the second time?

And if worst comes to worst, there's a mascot opening in Ann Arbor...

11.08.2008

WHOEVER SAID THIS IS A GENIUS

"Facebook has turned into a Barackakke."

Thank you good sir - that's just outstanding. It's crazy when you click on Recently Updated Profiles and you get 40 people that say "X is PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN" and "Yes, we did!"

What can we say? Bitch may be the new black, but black is the new President, bitch.

IVERSON = THE ABOMINABLE DEFENDER


I've had Allen Iverson's back since he was smashing fools upside the head with chairs at the bowling alley. I even owned a pair of I3's!

But it's time to call a Spade a Spade and say this trade was a horrible idea by Joe Dumars. Darko Milicic bad. Yeah, you got an expiring contract. But the guy can't shoot for shit and his defense is a disaster.

Giving up 38 points to Devin Harris on Day One? It would have been even worse but the Pistons kept Rodney Stuckey on Harris late in the second half instead of A1 Sauce - granted, Stuckey's defense was awful too.

Point is: Dude couldn't guard a Toaster Strudel.

Hope that's worth a shot at the Carlos Boozer Sweepstakes this offseason (we know you can't trust his word...) or the LBJ Bonanza in 2010.

11.05.2008

HOT OFF THE PRESS

We're really just blown away by how much newspapers are playing the race card and throwing objectivity straight out the window in the wake of Barack Obama's historic victory tonight.

Here's an early sampling of headlines from around the country:

New York Times:

"Chocolate Reign!"

* Please, please let this be his theme song at the inauguration

Washington Post:


"Fo Shizzle My Nizzle!"

L.A. Times:

"Always Bet on Black"

Harlem News:

"American Gangster"

Crown Heights Herald:

"That's My Ni**a!!!!"

Ann Arbor News:


"Kill Whitey!!!!!!!"

Biloxi Daily News:

"Negro Steals Presidency"

Charleston Times:

"Terrorist in Chief"

Vicksburg Post:

"Black Tuesday"



Well, at least most of the country's on board!

JESSE VENTURA, AL FRANKEN? WHO'S NEXT?

Update: Flip the script. Apparently Franken has lost by a mere 571 votes. We still like Hacksaw's chances in 2012.

Consider this the beginning of his 2012 campaign in the Minnesota Senate:


HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11.03.2008

SO LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT...


You come into the Big House, become the first MAC team ever to beat Michigan and that STILL doesn't buy you a month before you get the axe? (At least we'll always cherish these...)

Go Blue.

10.31.2008

NOTE TO NBA BRASS

Dear Commish:

We'd just like to have it noted that this does not celebrate Latino culture - it's the most shameless attempt to move merchandise since Mark Cuban's ridonkulous NBA football jersey-ploy. (Note: No word on whether they will put an "o" at the end of every player's name).

Have some self-respect, Dave.

- The Realests

P.S. We actually blame the Mets for this whole debacle. Was there another team that started it? We want names!

10.29.2008

CAN THIS ACTUALLY, REALLY BE HAPPENING?

We don't want to jinx it - but we can't wait any longer: Is Chinese Fuckin' Democracy really being released on Nov. 23?

I don't think people understand that The Realests have been waiting on this album since middle school, when we wore our "Use Your Illusion II" shirts to class trying to impress the ladies.

I mean the whole album has become a running joke for a decade..

And the odds of Axl Rose actually being coherent long enough to make a full album at this point is the equivalent of watching a solar eclipse, winning the lottery, and getting struck by lightning at the same time (it's science...).

But we'll just come out and say it: We actually, finally believe this album is coming out.

Now we just need to decide which we'll look back on as a bigger day in demcroacy's history: this album dropping or the fall of the Berlin Wall.

10.27.2008

REALESTSDAMUS' 2008-09 NBA PREDICTIONS


EASTERN CONFERENCE
Atlantic: Boston
Central: Cleveland
Southeast: Orlando

WESTERN CONFERENCE
Northwest: Utah
Pacific: L.A. Lakers
Southwest: New Orleans

Eastern Conference No. 1 Seed: Boston
Western Conference No. 1 Seed: L.A. Lakers
LVP: T-Eddy Curry & Vince Carter
MVP:
LeBron James
Eastern Conference Finals: Cleveland def. Boston
Western Conference Finals: New Orleans def. L.A. Lakers
NBA Finals: New Orleans def. Cleveland - Chris Paul's revenge
Breakout Player: John Salmons - Jose Calderon doesn't count, people!
Breakout Player II: Wilson Chandler - D'Antoni's comparing him to Marion
Sleeper:
Miami
Super-Sleeper: Chicago
Worst Team: New Jersey Nets (19-62) - Vinsanity on DL by December
N.Y. Knicks Record: 37-45 - Still can't stop anyone
2008 NBA Draft Bust: Kevin Love
2009 No. 1 overall pick: Demar DeRozan
Rookie of the Year: Derrick Rose
First GM Fired: Steve Kerr
First Coach Fired: Randy Wittman
Best Offseason Move: Trading T.J. Ford
Best Offseason Move II: Frontcourt of Balkman & Birdman
Worst Offseason Move:
Backcourt of (Baron) Davis & (Ricky) Davis
Best 10 Players in the NBA:
1. LeBron James
2. Kobe Bryant
3. Dwight Howard
4. Chris Paul
5. Dwyane Wade
6. Paul Pierce
7. Amare Stoudemire
8. Tim Duncan
9. KG
10. Dirk
5 Worst Starting Defenders:
1. Wally Szczerbiak
2. Carmelo Anthony
3. Zach Randolph
4. Amare Stoudemire
5. Kevin Durant

10.25.2008

SOMEONE TEST THIS MAN

So we're watching the Kansas-Texas Tech game when the announcers introduce us to 6-7, 350-pound Red Raiders O-lineman Brandon Carter - nicknamed "Mankind" after former pro wrestler Mick Foley (also a psycho).

Um, how many red flags do you need that someone is doing an insane amount of anabolic steroids?

Dude looks like the psycho DE Lattimer from "The Program" and Andre Ware even said his pre-game ritual is biting the heads off bats in the locker room.

OK, we made that part up.

But he's at least smashing his head into car windows in the parking lot:

10.24.2008

PUTTING THE KIBOSH ON LLOYD TO SYRACUSE

I thought my head was going to explode when I heard the "Lloyd Carr to Syracuse" rumors.

But hey, there's been crazier shit on message boards (i.e. Jeff McInnis sleeping with Phil Ford's wife, which has surprisingly stood the test of time).

But what's even more insane is that from looking at these sites, Syracuse fans actually seem EXCITED about the possibility of hiring Lloyd.

I keep seeing phrases like "instant credibility", "big-name coach" and "great recruiter." This even lists him as the No. 2 candidate behind Lane Kiffin (don't even get us started on that).

Syracuse fans: Get a grip.

I know you'll settle for just about anyone other than G Rob at this point, but this is a 63-year old coach with a 4-play offense (off-tackle, draw, TE over the middle, reverse) that was running on fumes for the entire 2007 season and still doesn't have a clue how to stop the spread (he's probably already having nightmares about facing the Wildcat formation Pitt is murdering people with).

Our hunch? The 'Cuse wants the low-down on Ball State coach and former Michigan assistant Brady Hoke. Think big Orange fans!

10.23.2008

JEN WALCOTT: THE WORLD'S HOTTEST WAG

The World's Hottest WAG polls are officially closed.

We planned on announcing the winner yesterday but things were so close between Walcott and Cheryl Cole that we didn't want a 2000-like debacle on our hands as we sifted through hanging chads for a winner.

It was like a heavyweight bout between these two, who slugged it out round after round as the momentum just kept changing on a dime.

But it's now official: Playboy's Miss August 2001, Jennifer Walcott, is the people's choice for World's Hottest WAG - proving once again that it's Adam Archuleta's world, and the rest of us are just livin' in it (apologies for butchering this phrase earlier).

Walcott prevailed by taking 26.7% of the vote to Cole's 24.7%.

Thanks to the thousands of perverts that turned out to the polls, resulting in a voting frenzy beyond our wildest expectations.

Now please don't turn into cyber stalkers like this psycho.

And most of all, congrats to the happy couple, who are engaged and raising their new-born son in Arizona. We're sure Arch Deluxe already has the young tyke on a furious power lifting program in preparation for the 2030 NFL combine.

As a special tip of the cap, we'd like to offer the family a $5 gift certificate to any Chuck E. Cheese in the continental United States (not redeemable after 11/1/08).

It's the least we can do.

Editor's Note: You have no idea how proud it makes us to be No. 1 on Google when you search for "World's Hottest WAG."

We made it ma! Top of the World! TOP OF THE WORLD!!!

10.14.2008

WADE PHILLIPS IS CONFUSED


Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips' reaction to the Roy Williams trade:

"What do you mean how do I feeeeel about Roy Willyums? Same way I felt about him last week: It's been all downhill since he dumped the gurrrl from Destiny's Chiiild and the boy can't coverrrr fo shit no mo...."

"Well now I didn't say we wurr movin' him to wideout, that just make no damnnnn since, boia!!!!!"

"Wait, what da heeell are you trying to tell me??? Out with it sunnnn!!!!!"

"So your sayin' there's two of 'um?!?! So there's the Roy Willyums I know -- and then there's anuther wuunnn we just got from DEEEE-troit??? OK, and I'm fuckin' Santa Claus..."

"What trade you damn fuuuuls?!?! You must think I'm a pretty stupid somabitch to believe we traded Roy Williams to ourselves!!!!!"


Upon confirmation that Dallas had, in fact, acquired another Roy Williams from Cowboys PR standing next to him, he leaned over and started massaging his temples.

And then his head exploded.

10.10.2008

STAKES IS HIGH

Hope you're all registered and voting for Obama.

Because we're up against this...





We'll break down our full endorsement later. There will be no jokes because this is serious business.

10.01.2008

VACATION


Wondering where we've been for the last week. Sorry folks but we've been tripping on acid with spider monkeys off the coast of St. Barts - changed our whole perspective on shit.

How long will it last you ask? Who knows? Maybe forever...

9.24.2008

THIS CAN ONLY END BADLY


Scott Linehan: You bastard.

This man should be arrested and charged with attempted murder.

As you already know, human rag doll Trent Green is replacing Marc Bulger as the Rams starting quarterback in a last-ditch effort for Linehan to keep his job.

Green - the same guy who is still lucky to be walking around after the shot he took last year and the one former teammate Jason Taylor admitted is one more blow away from his brain turning into "scrambled eggs."

Gee, putting Green behind the worst offensive line in the league with a blitz-happy Dick Jauron sending the house all day - what could possibly go wrong?

How about this. Or this. Or this.

You get the idea.

I mean Orlando Pace was great 10 surgeries ago. Now they might as well just put a cow at left tackle. As for the rest of them: Other than Alex Barron - who also stinks, by the way - who are these fuckin' guys? Jacob Bell? Brett Romberg? Richie Incognito?!?! Are you serious?

This is getting to Evander Holyfield-level, where he should be banned from playing in the league for his own safety. Roger Goodell, step up or step off! We're begging someone to do something!

Can't you just picture last night in the Green household? Trent tucked the kids in, telling them "Dad might be going away for awhile." Meanwhile, Mrs. Green cried herself to sleep picturing her husband in a hospital bed with tapioca all over his face - AGAIN.

Well, if this line doesn't fire up the Rams in the huddle right before they break, nothing will:

"Block... or I'll die."

9.23.2008

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY


We're kicking it old school with today's lyrics from "I'm Me." Though it came before Weezy's masterpiece, Tha Carter III, I think we can all agree it's some of Master Wayne's finest work:

"The only time I wear Depends is when I'm 70 years old. That's when I can't hold my shit within, so I shit on myself. Cause I'm so sick and tired of shitting on everybody else."

Yeah, the transitive theory. We get it. Have since middle school:

• You = The shit

• Shit = Poop

Therefore,

• You = Poop

I mean I was pretty proud of myself for writing a song called "Poop and Peep Make a Great Flava" - but I was 8-years old. Get over it already.

And are you telling us you will still crap your pants as an old man even if you have control over your bowel movements - just because you're tired of defecating on other people?

Really?

Really Weezy???

Damn. That's real.

Note: We're on a huge T.I. kick, so do yourself a favor and check out our bangers of the week:



9.22.2008

COLLEGE FB WEEKEND ROUNDUP

Even with Michigan's bye week, it was another spectacular weekend of football. Unless you live in Syracuse. Then it was another miserable weekend of college football. But we digress:


• Man, I'm glad we didn't hire that guy. Greg Schiano has been exposed now that Ray Rice is no longer around. Kind of scary to think this guy shot us down and Rich Rod had to beg us for a job. Rutgers dropped to 0-3 after its third straight anemic performance, this time losing to Navy. QB Mike Teel took out his frustration at the end of the game by punching his own safety in the face. This team could easily be 1-7 before its Battle Royale with Syracuse on Nov. 8.

• Speaking of the 'Cuse, the dead kitten count is now at 222. But hey, maybe that nine-point win over Northeastern will sway the Kitty Killer to spare one life. Or not...

• Phil Fulmer is the new Lloyd Carr. Sadly, we're surprised the game with Florida was even that close. But it'll give Vol fans even more reason to call for his head. Normally we'd say Fulmer will rally the troops and make a bowl game to save his job, but we're not so sure with at No. 10 Auburn, at No. 3 Georgia and No. 9 Alabama before the end of October. Yowers in his trowsers.

• Isn't life post-Ohio State great? My dad gave away his tickets, refused to watch the game, speaks with Jim Tressel with the same contempt he had for John Cooper and claimed he is already looking forward to college basketball season. Just like the good old days...

• Our vote goes to Todd Boeckman for Lehman Brothers Player of the Year. How about this guy going from a "Heisman contender" to a one-play backup in the span of a month?

• We know USC plays down to its competition, but it could win every Pac-10 game by 50 points. Wow. This conference is awful. 0-5 vs. the Mountain West? Pathetic. And ASU-Georgia game was never close. And who knows how bad they'll run up the score on UCLA after the stunt Rick Neuheisel (code name: "Ben Dover") just pulled in the L.A. Times.

• Temple isn't looking so hot as our "super sleeper" pick. But people don't realize they lost to UConn in OT and Buffalo on a Hail Mary. They could easily be 3-1 right now. We know, we know. Sour grapes.

• We're already tired of the BYU BCS talk. Yes, they've got a great shot at going undefeated with only one stiff test left (Nov. 22 at Utah). But are we really gonna do the hypothetical argument about whether this team should be playing for the national title if they go 12-0? Please spare us.

• Notre Dame is awful. Which makes us utterly repulsive. But at least we haven't completely tuned out our coach at this point. Advantage: Michigan.

• We're sticking with our guns that Les Miles wasn't the right hire for Michigan. We don't care how many national titles he wins at LSU. OK, maybe we care a little bit. Like we cautioned with East Carolina, everyone hold their horses with the LSU hype. Let's see how they do with No. 4 Florida and No. 3 Georgia in the span of three weeks and no quarterback to speak of.

• Ditto with the Penn State hype. Are we the only ones that remember PSU hasn't beaten Michigan since 1996? Nonconference is the new preseason; it doesn't mean squat (at least when you schedule like Penn State it is).

• We'd say the same thing for Minnesota but people aren't that stupid. After all, we're dealing with these jokers:

9.20.2008

THE WORLD'S HOTTEST WAG: FINALE

Here are the results from the Sweet 16:

1) Cheryl Cole def. 4) Carly Zucker: 2,528-683
3) Minka Kelly def. 2) Yesica Toscanini: 1,213-816

4) Jennifer Walcott def. 1) Gisele Bundchen: 1,639-1,267
2) Alena Seredova def. 3) Anara Atanes: 1,549-1,108

1) Abigail Clancy def. 4) Nereida Gallardo: 1,490-1,095
2) Oksana Andersson def. 3) Jessica Simpson: 1,584-1,063

1) Adriana Lima def. 4) Jennifer Metcalfe: 1,750-757
3) Sylvie van der Vaart def. 2) Carmella Decesare: 1,532-977

Not too many surprises here except Jennifer Walcott's anihiliation of Gisele Bundchen, adding insult to injury for Tom Brady. Tom: If it makes you feel any better, we still find her attractive. Kind of.

Judging from the results, Cole and Walcott have to be considered the frontrunners at this point.

Now on to business.

How's this for a flip on your face: Did we say a week per round? Screw that.

Instead of milking as many hits out of this as we can, we're taking the 8 winners from the Sweet 16, minus Alena Seradova - judging by the last round, she doesn't have a shot at the title and would only be the Ralph Nader of WAGs.

On top of that, we're throwing out the seeds and going grimey McGrimerson with a WWF Royal Rumble-style finale to decide this thing.

Let's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!!!!

Cheryl Cole

Husband:
Ashley Cole (Chelsea FC)

Age:
25

Occupation:
Singer, "Girls Aloud"

Country:
England










VS.

Minka Kelly

Boyfriend: Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)

Age: 28

Occupation: Actress, "Friday Night Lights"

Country: USA









VS.

Jennifer Walcott

Fiance: Adam Archuleta (F/A)

Age: 31

Occupation: Model

Country: USA










VS.

Abigail Clancy

Husband: Peter Crouch (Portsmouth)

Age: 22

Occupation: Model

Country: England









VS.

Oksana Andersson

Boyfriend: Christian Wilhelmsson (Al-Hilal)

Age: 24

Occupation: Model & Actress

Country: Russia









VS.

Adriana Lima

Fiance: Marko Jaric (Memphis Grizzlies)

Age: 27

Occupation: Model, Victoria's Secret

Country: Brazil










VS.

Sylvie van der Vaart

Husband: Rafael van der Vaart (Real Madrid)

Age: 30

Occupation: Model & TV Personality

Country: Holland