With the end of the year comes the first annual "Realest of the Year" Award. With two weeks still left, let's start with the honorable mention - Minnesota Vikings.
For those of you who have seen Requiem for a Dream:
After reading the account of Fred Smoot's experience, can't you just picture the Vikings standing around as a team going "ASS TO ASS, ASS TO ASS, ASS TO ASS!!!" See, that's the kind of joke the Sports Guy should be able to make. That's funny.
The Full Report On The Sex Boat
Fred Smoot: Was seen holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were lying on the floor near the lounge area of the charter boat. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman.
Daunte Culpepper: Got a “lap dance” from an unidentified, naked female. During this “lap dance,” Mr. Culpepper placed his hands on the naked buttocks of the female dancer.
Moe Williams: [Williams is witnessed] in the area by the downstairs bathrooms receiving a “lap dance,” which involved the “dancer” dancing bare-breasted and Mr. Williams with his hands on and touching the breasts of his female partner.
Bryant McKinnie: [McKinnie is witnessed] pick up a naked woman, place her on the bar in the lounge and commence to perform oral sex on her. … At a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males receiving oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat.
With the end of the year comes the first annual "Realest of the Year" Award. With two weeks still left, let's start with the honorable mention - Minnesota Vikings.
Posted by The Realests at 12:10 AM
Nothing exactly real about this, the San Francisco 49ers PR guy is just a funny individual. Watch the tape he made for the team, here:
Some of these clips are just boring, but if you watch 3,4,5,6, and 8, you get a pretty good idea why people are really pissed off about this thing (ex: PR guy showing his dick)
Posted by The Realests at 12:02 AM
I'm uninspired by the new Biggie Duets album
I'm pretty sure that Biggie would never ever ever have worked with the people that Puffy signed up for this money-making extravaganza
Instead, I propose the following...
A duets album with Biggie and Hov
We can call it: The B.O.A.T. and the G.O.A.T.
Biggie's the best, hov's the greatest
maybe the duets cd can be the soundtrack for fratboy missionaries
Posted by The Realests at 10:58 PM
Copyright 2005 Associated Press
All Rights Reserved
Associated Press Online
These materials may not be republished without the express written consent of The Associated Press
October 21, 2005 Friday
LENGTH: 111 words
HEADLINE: Larry Bird Inspires Man's Longer Jail Term
DATELINE: OKLAHOMA CITY
A man got a prison term longer than prosecutors and defense attorneys had agreed to - all because of Celtics great Larry Bird.
The lawyers reached a plea agreement Tuesday for a 30-year term for a man accused of shooting with an intent to kill and robbery. But Eric James Torpy wanted his prison term to match Bird's jersey number 33.
"He said if he was going to go down, he was going to go down in Larry Bird's jersey," Oklahoma County District Judge Ray Elliott said Wednesday. "We accommodated his request and he was just as happy as he could be.
"I've never seen anything like this in 26 years in the courthouse. But, I know the DA is happy about it."
LOAD-DATE: October 21, 2005
Posted by The Realests at 12:50 PM
We listen to a lot of rap music...
After listening to so much rap music we have come to the inescapable conclusion that Jay-Z is the greatest of all time...
I'm tired of defending Jay as the greatest
So over the next couple of weeks we will discredit each and every rapper that challenges Jay for the throne...
Here's a sampling of BIG's lyrical prowess...
"I’m in the caravan on my way to maryland
With my man two-tecs to take over this projects
They call him two-tecs, he tote two tecs"
Ahhh...now its clear why they call him two-tecs
Here's my favorite repetitive Jay line...
"You got starch in your flow
I flow too many ways, got a arch in my flow
All sorts of flow, Rembrandt, Rilkey
I am art with the flow
Even if I'm filthy, you gotta pardon the flow"
For future reference, note that Jay then uses the word flow in the next 20 lines of the song
ROC too strong for y'all!!!
Posted by The Realests at 7:57 PM
As we near our 2,000th hit, we just want to thank everyone for continuing to support us (and by everyone, we mean Zubin, Steiny, Laju and Ratner). You stuck with us through a lot of shit, and we appreciate that. We do it for y'all. And even when this site is getting a million hits a day, we'll never forget where we came from and who was there for us. Thanks and please join us in commemorating the 2,000th hit.
Posted by The Realests at 12:12 AM
How is this guy up for the Weblog Awards and we aren't?
And talk about shameless self-promotion: one of his posts gathering votes is entitled "Rally Behind the Fag!"
(may we also point out the pictures of gay guys riding penis statues and holding their junk in their hands)
Posted by The Realests at 12:08 AM
Tish, who has to be the first person averaging 3 PPG in his career to demand a trade. Note to Donnie Walsh and Larry Bird: Artest for Tish? I think the Pacers would be getting a steal....
Timberwolves Tskitishvili Issues Trade Demand
Dec 9 - One day after criticizing the Timberwolves for not living up to the promises of playing time, Nikoloz Tskitishvili told the St. Paul Pioneer Press Thursday that he wants to be traded. "I understand they're playing really well, but I'm tired," he said. "This is my fourth year. This is a little bit disrespect. You've got to give me a little chance, better than this."
Tskitishvili's agent, Ara Vartanian, said his client appreciates the opportunity the organization gave him, but a trade seems best for all parties.
Posted by The Realests at 1:21 PM
Diamond Dallas Sues Jay-Z Over 'Diamond Cutter' Hand Sign
12.06.2005 4:31 PM EST
Wrestler claims he invented the two-handed gesture years ago.
Former pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page is suing Jay-Z, claiming the hip-hop heavyweight has illegally adopted his trademark hand gesture — the "Diamond Cutter" — as his own.
The suit, filed in Los Angeles Federal Court on Friday, accuses Jay-Z and Roc-A-Fella Records of trademark and copyright infringement as well as misappropriation of the hand symbol. Page is seeking an injunction (meaning Jay-Z would be prohibited from using the gesture) and unspecified monetary damages.
Page's lawyer, George Gallegos, said Diamond Dallas (born Page Falkinberg) brought the legal action against the Def Jam CEO in order to protect his livelihood.
"People would come up to him and ask him if he was letting Jay-Z use it or if he had licensed it to him," Gallegos said of the symbol, which he claims his client created in 1996 and copyrighted years ago. "People [would also] say he's using Jay-Z's sign."
On the cover of Page's new book, "Yoga for Regular Guys: The Best Damn Workout on the Planet!," he can be seen sporting a T-shirt of the hand gesture. On his Web site, the same image can be seen above the words "A symbol of excellence since 1996."
Gallegos said he first took the hand-gesture matter directly to Jay's lawyers, but they were not receptive, saying that the real issue was how Diamond Dallas was using Jay's symbol inappropriately. Gallegos said he provided the rapper's people with magazine covers, various Dallas merchandise and video footage dating back to the mid-1990s showing Page throwing the "Cutter."
"If you look at [Jay-Z's] 'Encore' video you can see fans using the 'Diamond Cutter' sign, and in video of Diamond Dallas ... if you only looked at the fans from both those tapes, you'd think it's the same person performing," Gallegos said. "Jay-Z and Roc-A-Fella Records use this symbol to promote themselves, to promote their artists, to promote their music and to promote their fanbase. People have come to recognize [Page by this symbol], and the way that it's being used by Jay-Z and Roc-A-Fella is taking value away from it and creating confusion upon the public."
Jay-Z's attorney, Michael Guido, could not be reached for comment. Calls to Jay-Z's label for comment were not returned.
Posted by The Realests at 11:21 PM
Everyone makes a big deal about Kanye's rant, but what about Chris Tucker asking people to send trucks?
Somehow SNL still fucks it up for a completely unfunny intro:
Posted by The Realests at 3:01 AM
And if you weren't with us through the rough times, fuck ya'll.
We found inspiration in the Miami football team, who created this gem:
And the Nittany Lion:
And this dude, even if this story is bullshit:
And we can't tell if this is real or not - our guess is not:
Posted by The Realests at 11:17 PM
A written statement has been released to the general public in regards to last week's Un-Realest of the Week award:
"My policy has always been - and will always be - squeeze first, ask questions last. Sometimes, it backfires. I have no further comment."
Posted by The Realests at 12:28 AM
Fred Smoot and Mike Tice. Smoot for throwing an orgy-party and Tice just for being Tice.
"Minnesota Vikings players are being investigated in connection with a lake cruise that turned into a wild sex party last week on Lake Minnetonka. The party became so out of control that crew members on the two yachts were offered money for sex and feared for their safety...
The excursion Thursday on two yachts owned by Al & Alma's Supper Club and Charter Cruises in Mound, Minn., was organized by first-year Vikings safety Fred Smoot and possibly two other players...
Posted by The Realests at 12:26 AM
Yeah, I said it.
Slackin on our pimpin?
Don't you mean, "slackin on they mackin', slippin' on they pimpin'"...
The only person I know that says slackin on they pimpin' is Jermaine Dupri.
As Jay would say, "There's some food for thought - you do the dishes."
Anyone else want to come at us (that goes for the spam people that advertise on our site as well).
Posted by The Realests at 2:20 PM
Women's basketball player Ivana Mandic. I know, it seems like a made up name, but....
What's my motherfuckin name?
And who I'm rollin with huh?
N***** better get it right, bitches better get it right
Posted by The Realests at 3:25 PM
Ashton Kutcher, who married Demi Moore the other day. For now, it's a great decision.... but there is only so long plastic surgery can hold on for. In about 5 years, Demi's gonna have bacon strips and Jamie Lynn Spears will have just turned 18.
Jay: "Me give my heart to a woman?
Not for nothin, never happen
I'll be forever mackin
Heart cold as assassins, I got no passion
I got no patience
And I hate waitin.."
(Hey Hov, aren't those last two lines the same thing?)
Posted by The Realests at 8:44 PM
BEANIE SIGEL IS BACK BITCHES
The trial of the century re-opens today but can't get too hyped.
Description from case: "a man fought with a go-go dancer in a bar, had a friendly exchange with Sigel, was accused of calling another woman a b---- and, eventually, was shot by Sigel over the comment."
Don't even get me started on lyrics for this one, just turn on your ipod, go to vol. 3, and throw on "dopeman".
Posted by The Realests at 1:45 AM
Everyone relax, the blog isn't dead.
Realest of September: Barbara Bush. This one almost slipped by me, but now it's time to humiliate her.
Barbara on Hurricane Katrina evacues: "What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."
BTW, Kanye West's stunt would have been real - except it was done by Kanye West, who is turning out to be an elephant douche.
Posted by The Realests at 4:33 PM
Florida State WR De'Cody Fagg.
When we first saw this, we figured there must be a pronunciation like "Fog" or "Fayeg". Nope - it's just "Fag." Definitely the only highlights of the FSU-Miami game last night was Musburger saying his full name to avoid sounding like a homophobe (from this blog you already know he is a racist).
We are just waiting until the radio guy gets caught up in the moment and makes this call: "Weatherford drops back.... looks downfield... he's got A WIDE OPEN FAG in the end zone!... TOUCHDOWN SEMINOLES!!!!"
Jay quote oddly fitting the situation:
"My pops knew exactly what he did when he made me/Tried to get a nut and he got a nut and what"
Posted by The Realests at 1:48 PM
Byron Leftwich's web page he made for a class at Marshall:
Amazingly, it isn't Jay but actually M-Eezy, that described Leftwich best:
"Yo, I'm young Memphis, used to play the apprentice
Now I'm like the teacher, c'mere, let me teach ya"
Posted by The Realests at 3:33 PM
A city school teacher was arrested after he took his toddler with him on a would-be tryst in Greenwich Village with what he thought was a 13-year-old girl, police said yesterday.
The Wednesday arrest of Alan Schaefer, 43, was most unusual, police said, because most men who meet underage girls try to be as discreet as possible.
But Schaefer showed up with his 14-month-old son, even though he and the girl - a young-looking vice detective dressed as a teenager - he met on the Internet had already agreed they would have sex at her place, police said.
Holding his son in one arm, Schaeffer took the undercover officer's hand with his other hand and strolled down the street toward her "apartment," police said. Instead, back-up police moved in and Schaefer was arrested. His son was placed with family.
When school starts in September, Schaefer, who has tenure, will be assigned to an administrative post, away from children, pending the outcome of the investigation, the department said.
Jay and this guy both know what it's like to be guilty until proven innocent - except this guy is really broke:
"Happy when they heard he was arraigned, glad he's indicted
Got big money, big lawyers to fight it
Just like Cochran, cocksuckers you never see me boxed in
Y'all all knnow it, Jigga's a fighter
Plus I'm chlostrophobic, back on the streets before you know it"
Posted by The Realests at 12:59 AM
Lawrence Phillips - hands down (and I'm a little mad this story got so big because I had it picked out of a USA Today blurb four days ago).
Everyone knew LP was a horrible person, but a former national champion playing 15-year olds in a pickup game of football? It's like a McDonald's ad on crack.
From the AP:
Los Angeles - Former NFL running back Lawrence Phillips was charged Tuesday with multiple counts of assault with a deadly weapon, two days after prosecutors say he drove into three teenagers who argued with him following a pickup football game.
He was charged with seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon, two counts of child abuse and one count of hit and run. Phillips, 30, a star at Nebraska before the St. Louis Rams made him the sixth overall pick in the 1996 NFL draft, got into an argument with several young men after the pickup football game Sunday in LA.
He left the park, but returned and drove a black Honda onto the field, allegedly running into a group of young males. Three were hit, including two aged 14 and 15.
The car Phillips was driving had been reported stolen in San Diego earlier in the week.
Jay sums up LP's feelings for us: "I was doin' this shit when you was shittin' pampers"
Posted by The Realests at 3:02 AM
Although this piece was done 10 years ago, they do a great feature on Tommie Smith and John Carlos... and brought the bozacks on Brent Musburger. HBO went out of their way to mention a Musburger column after the Olympics, in which he said Smith and Carlos looked like nothing more than "black-skinned storm troopers".
Why does HBO only have the balls to mention this? With every graphic that says "Brent Musburger - CBS Sports" there should be fine print below that says "Called Tommie Smith and John Carlos black-skinned storm troopers". End of discussion.
Making it even worse, the exclusive interview Musburger got with them at the Games started his rapid ascension up the ranks and into the booth.
With the approval of Jay and his mom, I dipped into the "Superugly" lyrics just this once: "I came in ya Bentley backseat/Skeeted in Jeep/Left condoms in tha baby seat/Here n****/Tha gloves is off/The love is done/Its whateva, wheneva, howeva/N*** One"
"Y'all n**** would never finish that y'all be starting/Never could back up that shit y'all be talking/I make you famous/I put your face on milk cartons"
Note about last quote: We are starting to wonder how Jay's quotes always work so perfectly.... Were these bars about the Smith/Carlos beef with Musburger? Or were they about a future Jay-Z inspired blog that reports on such things? We are going to play each album over our blog (like you can do with Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" on the Wizard of Oz).
Unfortunately, test results won't come back from the lab for awhile...
Posted by The Realests at 1:18 AM
New York Yankee fans (and the kid, only for his final words before the jump).
A thrill-seeking teenager hoping to make ESPN highlights plunged over 50 feet from the upper deck seats into the netting behind home plate last night in the eighth inning of the Yankees' 2-1 loss to the White Sox, landing in front of a stunned Yankee Stadium crowd of 53,946.
"His exact words, were, 'Bro, I don't know, bro,' " his friend, Spadafino said.
As Derek Jeter laid down a bunt in the eighth, Harper plunged, feet-first, onto the backstop to the amazement of everyone in the Stadium. He had planned his leap for several minutes, according to witnesses, and caught the ire of the paying customers seated behind him who could not see the late-game action.
"Every single person sitting there was saying either sit down or jump off," Tripi said after the three friends were questioned by NYPD officers.
"He always makes a scene," Tripi said after Harper was carted off in an ambulance at 10:34 p.m. and carted off to Lincoln Medical Center.
Posted by The Realests at 11:35 AM
Mike Tyson (who knew?).
From the Times of India (that's right, the Times of India):
"Mike Tyson is reportedly set to star in a porn film - with Jenna Jameson. The former boxing World Heavyweight Champion claims he is desperate for cash, after being hit with a tax bill for several million dollars, and a porn career is a tempting offer.
Said Tyson: "I need the money up front."
Boxing journalist Pedro Fernandez: "According to court documentation from Tyson's rape trial, his member is at least 14 inches long.
"If Tyson brings out some of the ferocity that made him a champion, he could definitely become a successful porn star."
I believe it was Jay-Z that said it best: "Give him money to eat, then next week he's broke/Cause when you sleep, he's reachin for your throat/Word on the street, you reap what you sew/Not out of fear but love, love for the game/Roc family first, we never change man."
Quick Poll: Who do you think has taken more shots to the face lately: Tyson or Jameson?
Posted by The Realests at 8:28 PM
Former New Orleans Saints Safety Gene Atkins.
"Arrested for firebombing (In April 1998, Alfred Simmons, his wife and two daughters escaped injury when a Molotov cocktail was tossed through a window at their home) a former business associate but was later acquitted. Most recently he barricaded himself in his house after his wife called police claiming he had shoved her against a wall, choked her, bit her and then beat her with a remote control. Then, when told by police that he was under arrest, Atkins replied, “No I’m not” and punched the officer in the throat, then pushed him outside the home. Surprisingly the police didn't agree, re-entered the home, found Atkins holding four knives, and summarily dropped him with a 'hot shot' from a Taser gun."
As Jay would say... "Too sexy for jail like I'm Right Said Fred - I'm not guilty, now GIMME back my bread."
Posted by The Realests at 11:12 AM
The definition of a MILF:
GOLDEN, Colo. - A woman who told police she wanted to be a “cool mom” pleaded guilty to sexual assault charges Monday for having sex with high school boys at parties where authorities said she supplied drugs and alcohol.
Silvia Johnson, 40, pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual assault and nine felony counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. As part of a plea agreement, prosecutors dropped two counts of distribution of methamphetamine.
“She described herself as a ‘cool mom,”’ Detective R.J. Vander Veen wrote in the affidavit. He said Johnson told investigators “she was never popular with classmates in high school and now began ‘feeling like one of the group.”’
Posted by The Realests at 1:16 PM
Heisman Trophy winner, two-time National Champion, on every magazine in America, about to be a millionaire.......... well someone call the Boob Patrol because now he is hooking up with Kristin from Laguna Beach. Most people probably didn't catch this on last night's show - it's about to be in every tabloid. There's something noble about picking a 17-year old out of any girl in the country to hook up with. Making the story even better, ESPN the Mag just came out with a cute little story about him and his longtime girlfriend on the USC women's basketball team.
I would say Leinart is realer than Pat O'Brien - but then I realized O'Brien has probably slammed her as well.
Said Leinart in a press release: "The great thing about high school girls is that I keep getting older - and they stay the same age"
R. Kelly just peed his pants thinking about a Golden Shower with Kristin...
The old girlfriend... As Jigga would say: "Like bringing a knife to a gun fight, a pen to a test..."
Posted by The Realests at 11:51 PM
"At the end of the day," Owens told the Miami Herald's Jason Cole, "I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"
Owens? Or Christ?
Posted by The Realests at 10:22 AM
ESPN's Gary Miller, Moises Alou and Jorge Posada.
If you didn't already hear:
"Wrote Miller, "Alou says the secret to hitting without batting gloves is to harden your hands and prevent calluses."
Sounds reasonable. So how does Alou go about hardening his hands? What's the secret?
"He urinates on his hands," Miller wrote. "That's the honest truth. Alou said he isn't sure where he learned this distasteful folk medicine, but it wasn't from his famous father. And it works for Moises."
OK. Now you know why Powell doesn't want to shake hands, ever again, with Alou.
My first thought?
Wasn't this the same Gary Miller who was once arrested and charged with urinating out a window of a Cleveland nightclub? Yep, it's the same guy.
What a coincidence.
(You want to talk about bad timing? Miller had the misfortunate of urinating on a couple of off-duty Cleveland police officers who just happened to be standing under the second-floor window of the nightclub.)"
Jorge said in a separate interview he pees on his hands ONLY during spring training...
Posted by The Realests at 1:53 AM
University of Kansas.
So they're pissed off at Roy Williams for leaving Kansas, winning the national title at UNC, and leaving them with thugs like J.R. Giddens. The entire SCHOOL comes out firing, claiming Roy Williams is a cheater.
But it gets realer:
"The violations, which Kansas reported to the NCAA last month, were among several involving the men's and women's basketball programs, and the football program, ending in 2003.
The university said the violations would result in a reduction of scholarships in the football and women's basketball programs.
The men's basketball violation will be addressed through extra education about the rules regarding gifts. No other sanctions against the program are planned."
The idea of someone caring enough to give women's basketball players gifts is just upsetting. At least KU made up for it by punishing the women and educating the men. I hope the players get course credit for that...
Posted by The Realests at 11:53 AM
The Sports Guy.
Background info: Fed up with seeing unoriginal journalists obsessed with getting face time, I wrote Bill Simmons something like this:
"You should write an open letter to all the dick riders out there that jack your style. There isn't enough space here to name them all, but most especially Jim Caple."
Today I get an e-mail in my inbox from the SG. His response:
"thanks Jim - i try not to read anyone who tries to write like me, it drives me crazy and i want to have them killed"
Posted by The Realests at 2:50 PM
Yeah, and another 7 hours in the hospital. I don't even feel like going through the whole thing, except to say this:
Imagine one of these going down your tubes and out your wang...
As usual, Jay-Z said it best: "Ain't nothin' nice..."
Posted by The Realests at 1:01 PM
Utah/Texas Tech/Weber State football player Sione Havili:
From the Salt Lake Tribune:
"Three years after being kept from joining the University of Utah football team because he is a convicted felon who served jail time for arson, Sione Havili is suing athletic director Chris Hill and former university president Bernie Machen.
Havili wanted to join the Utes for the 2002 season after serving seven months in jail for firebombing a house with five other men in 1998. The group used plastic milk jugs full of gasoline, in retaliation for an apparently gang-related drive-by shooting. The men also fired shotguns into the house after it was ablaze, though nobody was inside."
Posted by The Realests at 11:33 AM
Vlad Putin has been wacked as Realest of the Week. Like Chris Webber, all records have been deleted. The new Realest of the Week: Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers, for wilin' out. Just look at the camera guy's face:
As the Joker would say: "Never rub another man's rhubarb"
Putin still gets honorable mention, although there is controversy about even that honor after Kraft reportedly gave him the ring. Although, obviously even if Kraft didn't he would never say anything in order to avoid an international conflict.
"Russian President Vladimir Putin walked off with New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s diamond-encrusted 2005 Super Bowl ring.
Following a meeting of American business executives and Putin at Konstantinovsky Palace near St. Petersburg on Saturday, Kraft showed the ring to Putin — who tried it on, put it in his pocket and left."
Posted by The Realests at 11:04 AM
White Sox OF Carl Everett.
"Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. ... I don't believe in gay marrages and I don't believe in being gay."
And from an old SI article:
"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett said last Friday, before the Red Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."
What about dinosaur bones?
"Made by man," he says.
Everett has trouble, too, with the idea of man actually walking on the moon. After first rejecting the notion, he concedes, "Yeah, that could have happened. It's possible. That is something you could prove. You can't prove dinosaurs ever existed. I feel it's far-fetched."
Posted by The Realests at 3:25 PM
In honor of Ken's visit this last weekend (and his complaints about losing in the All-Real Tournament), we have decided to compile Ken's top ten real/non-real moments. Feel free to leave comments that tell us your own special Ken memories....here we go:
10. Ken receiving a bad meal this weekend, sending it back to the kitchen, and telling the waitress that it was the "worst meal I have ever had in my life."
9. Ken playing basketball in France on Tony Parker's team...no wait, against Tony Parker...no wait, in the same league as Tony Parker...no wait, in the same country as Tony Parker.
8. Ken getting a migraine and sleeping in the bathroom for two days in a row.
7. Ken wearing headbands to stop his hair from falling into his eyes.
6. Ken "macking" on girls at the law library - and by macking he means staring at them when their boyfriends aren't around.
5. Ken having to re-image his computer 6 times senior year because of all the porn-related viruses.
4. Ken snatching David Underwood's glove after a football game.
3a. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 1) - Jim makes funny comments about Ken's "love life." Ken proceeds to grab one of his own golf clubs during one of our parties and demands that Jim hit him in the face.
3b. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 2) - Jim is being obnoxious at the Jeopardy party, culminating in Ellen hitting Jim in the face with a metal pot. Despite my serious instigation attempts, Jim and Ken back down from an imminent fight and Ken goes to sleep at Maggie's house.
3c. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 3) - Jim comes into the house screaming "Hovi's home" for half an hour straight. Ken threatens to kill Jim for an hour straight.
3d. Ken + Jim - Ken defends Jim after Jim starts crying about a poster that I made which proclaimed how much I hated him.
2a. That stupid fan that Ken used to drown out the noise from our house. It couldn't be kept in the room because it gave him nose bleeds. I think he used the fan to cover up the masturbation noises.
2b. That Drew Henson jersey that he wears to bed everynight.
1. Laura Barnes
Posted by The Realests at 11:38 PM
Good thing Sheed didn't guarantee Game 5. He first tried to lose the game by calling a non-existent timeout as time expired in regulation. After that attempt failed, he then doubled Manu Gifloppili in the corner to leave Robert Horry open for a game-winning three-pointer.
"Hey Sheed: hasn't Robert Horry scored the team's last 20 points - and, isn't it time to D him up?" No. Instead, Sheed did the "I'm running at you with my hand up from 5-feet away" defense, always a favorite.
"Ball don't lie."
He did it again? Haters no like ...
Posted by The Realests at 9:18 AM
A running blog of new ways to use the word cooter - UPDATED THRU JUNE 16th (thanks to Diesel for the title):
Posted by The Realests at 9:05 PM
Michigan's chapter of the SAE fraternity.
From the Michigan Daily:
"A student who said he was assaulted by members of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity last year is now filing a lawsuit seeking damages from SAE.
LSA senior Calvin Kattola filed a lawsuit against SAE last Thursday, citing “ethnic intimidation” as one of the charges.
Kattola and his attorney filed the lawsuit because they believe the attacks were connected to ethnic intimidation. According to a police report filed in February of last year, members of SAE punched and kicked Kattola while repeatedly calling him a “sand-nigger,” Nacht said.
The alleged attack was connected to a feud between SAE and Delta Kappa Epsilon, and it occurred outside the DKE house, located on Olivia Street."
Just another reason why Fratboy Missionaries is going to make 3 trillion dollars.
Posted by The Realests at 11:52 AM
Have no fear - the Realest of the Week is here. There was a long drought in reality, but of course someone came to the rescue by making an ass of themself. From USA Today:
"Suspended Florida State quarterback Wyatt Sexton was taken to a hospital by police after they say observed him behaving strangely, laying in the street, and telling them that he was God.
Sexton was hospitalized Monday night and on Tuesday a Florida State official said he was still under medical care at an undisclosed location. He has not been charged with any crime.
An incident report by Tallahassee police officer Zachary Lyne said he was called to a residential neighborhood about a report of a man doing push ups in the street and acting strangely. Police said they'd also had a call from a different person about a man in the same location laying in the street and yelling at passersby, and another reporting the man had jumped on a car.
Lyne said he found Sexton in the middle of the road wearing only a wet pair of shorts.
The officer asked Sexton if he was OK and didn't get a response. He asked several times what the man's name was and eventually Sexton replied that he was God.
Once at the hospital, Sexton continued to say that he was God and that he didn't know why he was in the hospital, Lyne wrote in his report."
Posted by The Realests at 3:13 PM
Clayton "Rocket" Richard.
You guys already know the story, but just in case you don't:
Growing up in the French Canadian wilderness, Rocket Richard had to become a man at a very early age. With his dad ill, Rocket had to keep the family warm by chopping down trees with an axe. While other kids played, Clayton just kept choppin' away. By the time he was a senior in high school, his arm was so strong that he threw for 7,000 yards on the gridiron and carrying his baseball team to a province junior title. In one game, Rocket even struck out 28 batters because one of his 112 MPH heaters got away from the catcher, letting the runner advance to first.
He chose Michigan for its football and cold weather, but quickly took hold of a clipboard behind John Navarre. Seeing his hopes fade away with every Chad Henne completion, the Rocket turned to his second love (behind chopping wood) - the baseball diamond. The Rocket made his return to baseball with an appearance against South Carolina in the NCAA Tournament.
Hats off to the Rocket.
You know, it's funny - they still say in Canada that if you listen close enough, you can still hear this faint sound coming from the forest: "Chop - chop - chop".
Honorable mention: Shaq - paying for George Mikan's funeral
UnRealest of the Week: Larry Brown (as pointed out by Zubin) - I'm a Cavs fan, so I don't really care if he screws the Pistons. Although he is completely infatuated with himself - which I respect - he is always whining about his kid not being able to come to games and shit like that.
Posted by The Realests at 11:17 AM
This guy - trying to pick up a technical foul with a minute remaining. He is starting to redefine pussy. He is almost on a Reggie Miller level. They really need to curb this trend - it is taking over the league.
It really takes away from the game. How about a similar rule to soccer: if you are caught flopping, YOU are given the foul.
Anyone see the flop Alan Henderson did on Amare Stoudemire in the Suns-Mavs series? When Amare pivoted, Henderson acted like an elbow hit him in the face. I mean Henderson's eyes almost popped out of his head he is selling the thing so hard.
Posted by The Realests at 11:05 AM
Now that I am babysitting Buckley, I've realized he has a very regimented morning schedule. It goes like this:
1. Wake up nearest human
2. Wait by the door to go out
3. Find street vent and pee in it
4. Go to Central Park
5. Pound fools
6. Find pile of mud
7. Lie in it
8. Go back home
9. Drink a lot of water
Posted by The Realests at 12:47 PM
Can you imagine Michigan doing this with Bill Martin? No wonder Penn State sports suck. Is this PSU's way to update to the 21st century? Congratulations guys, you can use Photo Shop.
What an idiot....
Posted by The Realests at 11:07 AM
After Afleet Alex's miraculous recovery, I almost had a knee-jerk reaction and put him up as Realest of the Week. But something just didn't feel right about it. I went back to look at the core values of being real:
1) Being a jackass (preferably through self promotion)
2) Pissing a lot of people off
3) Not giving a fuck
After looking at those, it suddenly struck who the true champion was: Scrappy T. I mean, Scrappy Tizzle could feel the lead slipping, so what did he do? He tried to ruin the race for the favorite. He got the trainer to yell "Son of a bitch!" on national TV. And everyone hates his jockey as well.
Very heads up play by the Tizzle.
Posted by The Realests at 3:37 PM
This story is amazing. It's what journalism is all about. Please take time to read selected excerpts and reflect on how blessed we all are.
Copyright 1980 The Washington Post
The Washington Post
September 28, 1980, Sunday, Final Edition
SECTION: First Section; A1
LENGTH: 1955 words
HEADLINE: JIMMY'S WORLD;
8-Year-Old Heroin Addict Lives for a Fix
BYLINE: By Janet Cooke, Washington Post Staff Writer
Jimmy is 8 years old and a third-generation heroin addict, a precocious little boy with sandy hair, velvety brown eyes and needle marks freckling the baby-smooth skin of his thin brown arms.
He nestles in a large, beige reclining chair in the living room of his comfortably furnished home in Southeast Washington. There is an almost cherubic expression on his small, round face as he talks about life -- clothes, money, the Baltimore Orioles and heroin. He has been an addict since the age of 5...
... Six months later, Jimmy was hooked. "I felt like I was part of what was goin' down," he says. "I can't really tell you how it feel. You never done any? Sort of like them rides at King's Dominion . . . like if you was to go on all of them in one day.
"It be real different from herb (marijuana). That's baby s---. Don't nobody here hardly ever smoke no herb. You can't hardly get none right now anyway."
Jimmy's mother Andrea accepts her son's habit as a fact of life, although she will not inject the child herself and does not like to see others do it.
... "Drugs and black folk been together for a very long time."...
... She never knew her father. Like her son, Andrea spent her childhood with her mother and the man with whom she lived for 15 years. She recalls that her mother's boyfriend routinely forced her and her younger sister to have sex with him, and Jimmy is the product of one of those rapes.
Depressed and discouraged after his birth ("I didn't even name him, you know? My sister liked the name Jimmy and I said 'OK, call him that, who gives a fu--? I guess we got to call him something, don't we?'") she quickly accepted the offer of heroin from a woman who used to shoot up with her mother.
... He grabs Jimmy's left arm just above the elbow, his massive hand tightly encircling the child's small limb. The needle slides into the boy's soft skin like a straw pushed into the center of a freshly baked cake. Liquid ebbs out of the syringe, replaced by bright red blood. The blood is then reinjected into the child.
Jimmy has closed his eyes during the whole procedure, but now he opens them, looking quickly around the room. He climbs into a rocking chair and sits, his head dipping and snapping upright again, in what addicts call "the nod."
"Pretty soon, man," Ron says, "you got to learn how to do this for yourself."
CORRECTION-DATE: January 17, 2001
The above article is not factually correct and is a fabrication by the author. For a detailed account of how it came to be published by The Washington Post, please see the article by Bill Green, then the newspaper's reader ombudsman, published in The Post on April 19, 1981.
GRAPHIC: Illustration, no caption, By Michael Gnatek Jr. for The Washington Post
Posted by The Realests at 11:02 AM
Jim's attacked me again in public...he'll never learn.
1) Jim's gonna leave his job at CSTV to work with his dad's pony company - Jim, ponies are for little girls.
2) You're spelling in the attack blog sucks - it's lose, not loose.
3) Gold Bond goes on your nuts, not all over the bathroom floor.
Get at me dog.
Posted by The Realests at 5:36 PM
Brady sent this to me in an e-mail:
"First of all, let me start by saying that I am extremely humbled by this award. Of course, being humbled isn’t real at all. But, since I’ve already won the award, I can be humble. Probably, the only possible way that being humble is real is by being humbled by being real. So, yes, I’m humbled.
I’ve been working toward this award for a long time, and there are lot of people that should be thanked. First, to the Realests. You’ve taken pizza slices to the face. You’ve thrown beer all over yourself. You’ve had beer thrown on you by others. You’ve created a scene. In fact, your entire existence is a scene. You are my inspiration. Without you, I’d be, well, not real at all.
Next, I’d like to thank my parents, Kathy and David, for supporting me through all of those times when I wasn’t real. Like the time when I tried to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic at Patriots Day in 5th grade, and some kid picked on me and told me I was going to fail, and I cried in front of the whole school. Or the time that I spent a Sunday afternoon throwing a hissy fit because I needed to rake the leaves instead of watch the Bills Jets game.
Realness is something so unique, something so intangible, you just can’t touch it or explain it. So, what does it mean that I’m the ROW this week? Everything. Or nothing. And that’s the beauty of realness.
ROW, May 3-17"
Posted by The Realests at 4:43 PM
First of all, everyone needs to relax on making us blog. I've gotten a lot of complaints for not putting up a Realest of the Week. Remember people: reading our blog is a priviledge, not a right.
On to our good friend "JBM". We are not using his name because people are searching the internet to try and bring him down.
If you haven't already heard the story, here is our version of it:
JBM gloats on the web about how sweet he is and how much everyone at work loves him. He then continues to talk about things that shouldn't be broadcast over the internet - such as getting drunk with his boss, and part of his conversation with the boss.
Some douche looking for trouble, finds this gloating and reports JBM to his boss. Boss man calls up JBM and asks him what in the world he is doing.
JBM has thus been rewarded with Realest of the Last 2 Weeks, for striking on two of the three core values of being real:
1) Being a jackass (preferably through self promotion)
2) Pissing a lot of people off
3) Not giving a fuck
JBM definitely didn't stick #3. He immediately took down his recent posts and promised never to blog again. Now if Brady were to leave the posts and add another one entitled "All Haters Blow Dick" - I give my word he will be awarded Realest of the Year.
That offer will remain on the table in case JBM changes his mind.
Posted by The Realests at 1:39 PM
Ahhhhh, it's that time again.
This week's Realest of the Week is a blast from the blast: Ron Mercer.
Yeah, bet you didn't think you'd hear that name again. This story brings up the troubling trend of athletes struggling to get ass (Jeremey LeSueur comes to mind).
According to the New York Post:
One of Mercer's pals approached publicist Kim Fields at the bar and asked her to give Mercer a "birthday hug." When she tried to shake his hand, he started yelling 'Fuck her!' 'Fuck her!' really loud.
"Then one of his friends started throwing gum at me. I felt kind of threatened... so I went outside." Fields says she next ran into Mercer and his posse at a hot dog stand right outside the club. After approaching the group and chiding them for their bad behavior, she turned to walk away and was hit in the back with a hot dog. "It was ridiculous," she said.
A Nets spokesman declined to comment.
Posted by The Realests at 3:37 PM
I think I've finally found a friend in New York - on the Internet. We got hammered playing NBA Live 2005 and trying to bate this guy into a rematch, we talked a lot of shit. He clapped back with a lot of graphic stuff about bodily fluids being on our face. We were about to come to virtual blows. But then something funny happened. NBA Live brought about a mutual respect for one another. We lost twice more, before finally beating the guy at 5 in the morning. 1/2 of The Realests declared that he would sleep like a baby that night. Afterward, the guy said "Good game!" At first, I thought he was sarcastic. Then I realized he generally was happy for us. We talked (and by talked, I mean typed back and forth) a little bit longer about how we made each other better, when the impossible happened - he apologized for what he said earlier. It was amazing. It really put the game in perspective for me. I decided I had to apologize as well and then said that "What's important now is that you are my road dog". His response: "Likewise." I then accepted his invitation to be his NBA Live Buddy, so we can play again sometime in the near future. The only thing we haven't decided is when we are actually going to meet in person. Needless to say, I'm very excited.
Posted by The Realests at 1:12 PM
* Leg kick
* Pushing (remember the shove he gave Jordan in the playoffs to hit the game-winning 3?)
* Trash talking (even Jordan threw a punch at him)
* Fucked up teeth
* Holding his hand in the air after made shots
Oh well, at least everyone will ALWAYS remember Tayshaun sending his shit in the stands during the playoffs last year (which, we might add, he cried for a goaltending call after).
Being coot again
Posted by The Realests at 1:08 AM
It appears 1/2 o f The Realests is a lost cause. Here are the requirements to be one of my Road Dogs. The replacement will be in effect immediately:
* Eat at Waverly at least once a day
* Play NBA Live as long as I want, and then talk shit afterward to 7 year olds
* Strategize how to sell the movie script
* Scribe for all blog postings
* Helping to create new trends in clothing and language
* Quote Jay-Z when necessary
* Put "grind" after everything you say (Ex: Let's get on the blog grind)
* When drunk do one of the above: turn ankle, insult Little Vicente, call a bouncer a douche bag, flick off Puerto Ricans (make that all of the above)
* Bring Your Own Bozack
* Live off futon
* Without flinching, take a Joe's Pizza slice to the face
* Fix: broken tiles in bathroom, hot pole in bathroom, doorknob, and leaking hot water
* Begin writing script for "Cicadas" and "Centaurs" screenplays
* Allow access to your shampoo on a daily basis
That's all I can think of for now. I will make additions as necessary ...
Posted by The Realests at 11:40 PM
Pac Man Jones
Just when we thought people had stopped being real, he completely redeemed himself.
Anyone who saw the NFL Draft this weekend knows why. Up until Pac Man Jones, everyone was nicely dressed (even Cadillac had a collared shirt on), and conducted an interview. The Pac Man Jones busted that bitch wide open. As soon as Jones was picked, they went to a satelitte feed of him in Atlanta. He immediately screamed: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!" "Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" and "Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!" into the TV screen, while flashing his new Titans cap and Pac Man chain around his neck. After a breakdown from Mel Kiper, they went back to Pac Man, who was in the middle of the Thunder Clap. Everyone ahead of the Titans is now kicking themselves and it was reported by Chris Mortensen that Al Davis offered the Raider's next ten years of first round picks for Pac Man.
We must quickly mention Cedric "The Entertainer" Benson. When he was selected, he immediately started crying. We thought he had been "cootinized" like Braylon. But then he talked with Suzy Kolber about how the whole draft process was "a slap in the face." Then when asked why he was compared to Ricky Williams, he said: "we're both incredible athletes, same hair, African American..." We might also add that earlier in the year, Ced said he would rather win the Heisman than a national title. We were already starting to announce him Realest of the Week, when Suzy Kolber asked Benson why he cut the dreadlocks, he said he wanted a "business look." A very Braylon answer and automatic disqualification for this award.
Hey, look: It's Ricky Williams!!! Just kidding, Ced ...
Posted by The Realests at 3:20 PM
That's right...I'm back.
It's been a long time and 1/2 of The Realests has been handling the blog recently - doing a damn good job too.
I actually lied before...I'm not back yet...but after finals I will be.
And I'll be bringing the bozacks.
- Stop That Ahki
Note: I also find it startling that my lack of blogging would have such a jarring effect on people. If you've paid any attention to anything recently, you've noticed that once-real people have fallen. Like we've always said, there's nothing worse than a fallen champion. These guys need to drop the whole me-last team-first approach. A few examples if you will:
Ricky Davis - The man who said "Fuck that shit bitch" in response to a ball boy's request to move his car has become America's sweetheart. This makes me sick to my stomach. While Ricky made a last gas effort to save his realety by declaring a sweep of the Pacers before Game 1 was even over, I would much rather have him say "Fuck that shit bitch" when the dickriding announcers ask him how he's turned it all around.
Braylon Edwards - We could have seen this one coming - J. Brady even blogged about it (We are all idiots for letting Big Blue pull the wool over our eyes). The man who once dreamed of being an R. Kelly body double has flipped the script and lost his mind. That post-draft interview left me feeling empty and cheated. Direct quote from Braylon - "You come in thinking you know everything and its a great process just to become more humble and be more of a team player." He also let Sportscenter follow him around before the draft. Another quote - "Man, I gotta look good on TV. I'm going for the corporate casual look - People really look at what dudes wear." WHAT???? I guess we can forget about Braylon asking the Brown's owner if he can rename the Brown's cheerleaders "Braylon's Bitches." I want Braylon back, and I want him back now - J. Brady might have turned Braylition's career around but he destroyed his soul in the process. RIP Braylition - how real you once were.
Chris Weber - Here's an idea Chris -- Get a rebound, get into the paint. Do something. And, never ever ever ever say that "Anita Baker is my Michael Jordan." What happened to the thug who brought baggy shorts, black shoes and socks, throat slitting and weed to the NBA. It's sad when even Shane Battier has more street cred then you. Get. Your. Mind. Right.
Realests are dropping like flies. We need bozacks and we need them now. Good thing DP and Chloe held it down on 24. Road. Dogs.
Posted by The Realests at 9:29 AM
This bitch might look familiar, and not just because real recognize real. She's the not-hot friend of Tara Reid in American Pie that explains to Rookie of the Year that he can't make Tara orgasm.
Real Part I: Charges for criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing after she ripped a mirror off her neighbor's wall and threatening to fuck her dog (this is true, we swear - although newspapers coot out and say she threatened to "sexually molest" the dog).
Real Part II: Lyonne showed up in the courthouse about an hour late Monday. But she only stuck around for about 30 minutes before she apparently lost patience waiting for her case to be called and left.
As always, we will critique on how to make this realer:
* In wake of Paris Hilton's success with "One Night in Paris", American Pie chick comes out with a beastiality film named "Knick-knack, cock smack, give Lyonne a bone."
Posted by The Realests at 12:33 AM
As we were watching the NBA tonight, we realized there are a lot of cooters in the NBA. We decided to put together the best of the coots. We tried to pick players that actually get in the game as opposed to people like Darko because it's easy to be soft and not get playing time. You must have fooled some people if they actually let you in the game after you are still a cooter. Here is the team:
Point Guard: Casey Jacobson - What the fuck is on dude's face?
Shooting Guard: Allan Houston - Pulling up, like always
Shooting Forward: Jason Collins - Even Tayshaun couldn't resist punching him in the face
Power forward: Michael Olowokandi - You're blocking the wrong side of the hoop, dog nuts
Center: Yao Ming - The guy can't even take it up strong on the "Slug Man" - Shawn Kemp
Head Coach: David Robinson
Marc Blount - more suited for the All-Apathetic Team
Reggie Miller - especially the leg kick he does for foul calls
Mike Dunleavy - "The Quiet One"
Marc Jackson - the 76ers center, not the guard
Posted by The Realests at 10:31 PM