TOP 10: REALESTS SPORTS TATTOOS (PART II)

5. Robert Swift's Everything


We pick up where we left things off Monday with another honky. Ex-teammate Rashard Lewis: "That's the real Robert Swift. The first couple of years... he was trying to hide the things he liked to do and didn't really express himself." The one thing that hasn't changed about Swift? His game. In what was supposed to be his breakout year, he hurt his knee and played in just 8 contests. With all that free time, who knows what he'll look like by next season.

4. Jason Williams: "WHIT" "EBOY"


We've already gone into detail about how Jason Williams is white trash. How many times do you think White Chocolate has gone home to Charleston and shown off his knuckles to his inbred friends, followed by the question: "Why da hell'd chu get 'whit' 'eboy' on dem knuckles far?" We couldn't say it any better.

3. Stephen Jackson's Desert Eagle


Praying with a desert eagle in your hand seems to defeat the purpose, no? But maybe not when you're praying to murder people every day like Stephen Jackson is. In straight thuggery, this is up there with 2Pac's infamous "Thug Life" tat.

2. Mike Tyson's Face Tattoo


We really believe this was Tyson's most shocking moment. Not bad considering he's bitten Holyfield's ear off, threatened to eat Lennox Lewis' non-existent children and done the Monster Mash with Bobby Brown on national TV. But Mike seriously, when are you going to get the other side done?

1. Dennis Rodman's Super Slut


Most times, we find anything Dennis Rodman does extremely contrived, stupid and way overhyped ("Oh, he went with the rainbow hair tonight!!!!"). Not this time. In this Kingpin inspired portrait, we find a sweet young lass spreadin' em and giving us full lip-on-lip action that defies all physics and decency (click for a closer look). Even more shocking? You can find this pic on AOL Sports' site.

WHY WE STILL HATE THE SPURS

You have no idea how happy it makes us to be the No. 1 result on Google when people type in "I hate the Spurs."

We don't know what to say, folks. The Spurs have bitched and flopped their way to another Western Conference Finals and people are typing in "hate the Spurs" like crazy on the interweb.

You've come to the right place to sulk, as we figured it was our duty to give you 10 more reasons to hate the Spurs.

Drumroll, please:

10. Dealing with San Antone's thunder sticks for another round.

9. Cheap-shot Bob becoming the new Bruce Bowen.

8. Spurs fans, which by the tone of their cheering, appear to be 90% high school girls.

7. Tony Parker getting Reggie Miller to say "Cash money" last night.

6. That damn coyote. Moondog would kick your ass.

5. Peja Stojakovic. Wait, he's not on the Spurs? Could have fooled us...

4. Tim Duncan's jester tattoo. Tim, if a jester's job is to entertain, you are the anti-jester (and if someone leaves a post about how there's nothing more entertaining than good, hard-nosed basketball, I'm just going to snap).

3. Manu Ginobili bitching when other people flop. Yeah, CP3 pulled your favorite move. You should have been applauding him.

2. Tony Parker's personal red neck cheering section Shhhhing the Hornets fans.

1. They knocked Rick Flair out of the playoffs!!!! We feel like Jack Nicholson in Batman after losing his balloons.

TOP 10: REALESTS SPORTS TATTOOS (PART I)

There's a lot of talk these days about the worst tattoos in sports.

We here at The Realests find it deeply disturbing that most of the tats mentioned are the ones we like the most. We decided to set the record straight with some thugs you love to hate.

Here is Part I of the 10 Realests Tattoos in sports. Stay tuned Wednesday for the conclusion:

10. LeBron James: "Chosen1"


I'm a huge LeBron homer. Bite me. This tattoo really fits in with LeBron's new trend of referring to himself in the third person. Are we the only ones hoping LeBron turns into the biggest prick ever, rips his teammates for sucking ass and tries to score 80 every game? In other words, turns into Ricky Davis.

9. Allen Iverson: "The Realist"


Did he really misspell Realest or just realize the throne was already taken? We'll never know. But it's the thought that counts and one thing's for sure: Iverson is real. This is the same guy that brought us "We talkin' bout practice, man!" and did time in the slammer during high school for smashing a chair over someone's head WWF-style in a bowling alley brawl (apologies for the water mark).

T-8. Vince Young & DeShawn Stevenson's Jersey Tattoo



This is a dead heat. Vince gets bonus points for adding the first initial to clarify him from the other guy with Young tattooed on his back; DeShawn gets props for getting an entire jersey tattoo, which he claimed he will do. I'm fighting a serious urge right now to go to the nearest parlor immediately and get "T. Realest" across my back.

7. David Clinger's Polynesian Face Mask


This is a desperate cry for attention - and we love it. After smoking peyote for six straight days, Clinger decided to get this "Polynesian face mask." Unsurprisingly, his sponsor asked him to get it removed. He tried, but then realized it would cost him $25,000. With an attitude that says, "Who cares? It's only cycling" he was fired. Unbelievable. This guy is like a real-life Hansel.

6. Jeremy Shockey's Bald Eagle


There's nothing more American than patriotic white trash. This 9-11 inspired tat is a complete abomination and the bald eagle looks like it's hitting on us. Somehow, it took 21 hours over 3 days to complete even though it looks like something a 5th grader drew. But what really makes this tattoo is Shockey's reason for picking it: "I didn't want something [that] 20 years later I'd be, Why did I get this?" Um, right.....

Clich here for Part II

STARBUCKS IN HOT WATER (WINK, WINK)

If you haven't heard, Starbucks is getting a lot of heat about its new mermaid logo, which has gone from this to this (above).

Yeah, that's pretty risque and all, but where's the controversy for its new slogan:

"Every cup, fresh out the coot."

Anyone?

BRIAN ELLERBE FOUND!

Dear Readers: You guys deserve Realest of the Week honors.

Of course, that's not going to happen; we're still holding out hope an athlete will do something incredibly stupid in the next three days.

But for every pop quiz we throw your way, you have answers. You tip us off when needed. And most importantly, you've just tracked down Brian Hersholt Ellerbe.

We gave you three months to find him; "RB" tracked him down in a week.

Behold:

Brian H. Ellerbe
VP of Corporate Development
Madison Grace Construction Services LLC.

Right off the top, what is with fired Michigan coaches ending up in land development? First Jim Boccher, now Brian Ellerbe. When Bill Martin fires each coach, does he hand them all a card and say "It's a guy I know in the biz. Give him a call - he's good people."?

Second, does anyone else picture Ellerbe with the same job as Fred Flintstone, working on the back of a dinosaur in a bedrock? OK, it's just us.

Third, Ellerbe's list of talents and job duties is especially laughable. They don't make any damn sense, and the first one is a flat-out lie:

• Charismatic leader and mentor
• Client and corporate development
• Community development and outreach
• Public, private and political cultivation/relations
• Human resource enhancement

Even George O'Leary has to cringe reading the first bullet.

Let's hope the slow economy doesn't hit Madison Grace too hard, because we can really picture this happening after looking over his job description:



Oh yeah, and now that we've found him, a pair of Pumps to the first reader to get a cell picture with him for the interwebs while in Vegas this summer.

WEEZY F., COREY LIDLE AND THE APOCALYPSE

A couple months ago we detailed DMX's interview with XXL: Dude refused to believe a candidate by the name Barack Obama was running for President.

Fast forward to the current issue of Blender.

Lil Wayne is asked who he'd vote for: Obama or Hillary. Weezy F. claims he's a Barack-backer, so props for just knowing who the guy is (not only that, he even realizes an "old white dude" is also running!).

But just when Wayne looked sane, it became obvious the codeine cough syrup has finally gone to his head:

"The world about to end in 2012 anyway. 'Cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012.

I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is gonna end as we know it.

You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist; There's no more Pluto. Planes are flying into buildings - not just the Twin Towers, but dudes who play baseball are flying planes into buildings."

We don't know about you, but we just tripled our monthly bottled water shipments.

No homo.

GILLISPIE STRIKES AGAIN: UK INKS FETUS

Move your fat ass over Big Baby, here comes The Fetus.

Less than two weeks after news broke that an 8th grader signed with Kentucky, the Wildcats have inked the fetus of a Lexington woman coach Billy Gillispie spotted while working the middle school circuit.

The 6-2, 320-pound woman who declined to be named said Gillispie approached her at halftime and said: "Ma'am, I want your bump on my block."

Said the woman: "There he was hitting on them middle school girls and the next thing I know, he's offering my baby a scholarship to UK!"

But there was a problem. Wanting the sex of her child to be a surprise, the woman recently declined learning this information at her latest sonogram.

But a talk with Billy Clyde changed her mind.

Said Gillispie: "Ma'am, with all due respect, you might have the next Dan Issle in there. And that rat bastard Bruce Pearl will be right behind me. The Bluegrass State is countin' on you, honey."

The two rushed to the University hospital, where it was confirmed to be a boy.

"As soon as I saw that penis, the scholarship was on the table."

Continued Gillispie, holding up the sonogram: "The body of Dan Issle and the head of Sam Cassell: It's the best of both worlds! I just hope I'm here to see him play."

UK issued a press release stating the scholarship offer came with a live foal guarantee, although the NCAA has said the unprecedented provision is under investigation.

"WHO YOU CALLIN' A BITCH?!?! YOU... BITCH"

Yeah, we said it.

Suge Knight's transformation from most feared gangster in the rap world to celebutard is now complete after he got pummeled outside an LA night club a couple nights back.

Don't worry Suge, you're in good company; Karma's also a bitch... guess it just takes about 15 years to kick in.

By the time you read this, we'll probably be hanging upside down off a balcony or gunned down on the Vegas Strip.

You know where to send your condolences: 45th St. and Blah Blah Ave.

- Real