12.26.2009

2009 REALEST OF THE YEAR

It's that time of year again - when we select the most ridiculous, idiotic, narcissistic and just downright absurd individual of the last 365 days - a.k.a. the 5th annual Realest of the Year.

They've got some pretty select company to join:

2008: Starbury
2007: Akon
2006: The Realests
2005: Arizona Bum

You might be wondering why we are making our selection so early. After all, there's still five days left for people to lose their minds. Well we've still got to select the Realest of the Decade, people. Feel free to send in your submissions, which will have absolutely no bearing on the results.

But now we'd like to give a shout-out to the runners-up for this year's R.O.Y.:

Dre Bly:

What's realer that busting out a vintage Neion Deion Sanders dance? Doing it at your own 25-yard line:



Stephon Marbury:

Starbury made a huge push for back-to-back titles with his new YouTube channel. But then again, who hasn't cried in front of their computer naked with R. Kelly in the background and then followed it by eating vaseline for desert?



Berlino:

Mascots are all fun and games until someone gives a piggyback ride and slams into the hurdles truck. Seriously, who hired this hit man?



Berian Gobeil:

We never thought we'd see Stonybrook soccer on this list, but then again we never thought we'd see soccer players doing cartwheels as trash talk. After Hartford goalie Nenad Cudic did cart wheels to psyche out Gobeil on penalty kicks, the Stonybrook player scored and then returned the favor by doing cart wheels in his face:



And the winner is..........

Elizabeth Lambert:


You've all seen the pony tail yank, but that was just the highlight of the Lambert Massacre vs. BYU, when she also punched a player in the back, another in the face, and just went flat-out Beast Mode for 90 minutes. Get this girl on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge immediately:

12.14.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Meredith of Queens, who asks new New York Post sex columnist Ashley Dupre:

"How do I know if my daughter may be getting into trouble?"


Woah, Ms. Lippy, did you seriously just ask a whore advice on your daughter?

Bravo.


AD'VICE': Smart and sexy Ashley Dupre learned from scandal -- and she'll be your escort through the world of relationships as a Post columnist.

12.07.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Kudos to former Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis for taking the low road on his way out of South Bend with bozacks in hand.

First Weis accused USC coach Pete Carroll of cheating on his wife by living with an SC grad student in Malibu.

When a national backlash ensued, Weis didn't deny the comment but instead went to the classic "taken out of context" excuse. Um, what exactly was taken out of context about this?

"Let me ask you this question: You guys know about things that go on in different places. Was I living with a grad student in Malibu, or was I living with my wife in my house? You could bet that if I were living with a grad student here in South Bend, it would be national news. He's doing it in Malibu, and it's not national news."

http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/charlie-weis-gun-450sm.jpg

11.30.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We came oh-so-close to handing this week's award to Tiga, Tiga Woods y'all but what does this look like - TMZ? We need to collect all the facts before we just hand you a Realest of the Week.

So while that gets sorted out, a heavy dose of kudos to Pete Carroll for pissing on the grave of UCLA head coach and Realests' nemesis Rick Neuheisel:

11.22.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Apparently word has gotten out about our comeback because people started acting a fool left and right this week.

A serious tip of the cap this week to Brad from "The Ruins" for completely losing his damn mind, Dunbar for screaming, "You're the one who wanted to play just the tip Kelly Anne!" and Les Miles for demanding a spike with 1 second left in a game.

But there was really no competition for Realest of the Week after Yale coach Tom Williams went for it on 4th and 22 from his own 25-yard line while up 3 over Harvard with 2:25.

The fake punt failed, Harvard scored 3 plays later and Yale lost.

Asked why he went for it, Williams responded "to keep our foot on the pedal and not play scared."

Because we'd rather lose like Tom Williams than win like Jim Tressel any day of the week.

11.15.2009

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

Any questions?

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Leave it to Nic Cage to bring us out of retirement.

That's right, kids. After a 5 month hiatus, we are so very, very back (and by back we mean doing the Realest of the Week, uh, weekly).

In an acting performance that rivals only his work in "The Wicker Man", check out Cage as a dope fiend cop in the upcoming "Bad Lieutenant".

Highlights include:

• Strangling a grandma by her necklace

• "What are these fucking iguanas doing on my coffee table???"

• "This is my lucky crack pipe... You don't have a lucky crack pipe?"

• (in Al Pacino voice) "'Til the break of dawwwwwwwn, Bay-Bay!"

• "Shoot him again.... His soul's still dancing.... Hehehehehe!!!"

Just roll the footage:

6.17.2009

DOWN FOR THE COUNT


It's gotten so bad over here that like Mike Tyson at the end of his career, we're embarrassing ourselves and only in it for the money these days.

Of course we didn't realize the Google Ads were taken off over a year ago until just now.

But that's neither here nor there.

As of today, June 17, The Realests are officially retired from the blogging game.

If you still crave to read our twaddle, head over to Lost Lettermen, Lost Lettermen on Facebook or LL on Twitter.

Will we be back? Only time will tell.

P.S. Before you go, check out this charity auction for a very, very good cause in Ann Arbor.

6.02.2009

FIRST GREG PAULUS, NOW KELVIN GRADY???

Apparently any former college basketball player has an open offer to join the Michigan football team, as former UM point guard Kelvin Grady has joined the football team. Take a look at the projected 2009 starting offense for our beloved Wolverines.

Look at those bookend tackles!!

QB: Chase Budinger
RB: Darren Collison
WR: Gerald Henderson
WR: Sam Young
WR: Kelvin Grady
TE: Taylor Griffin
T: Luke Harangody
G: Dante Cunningham
C: Jon Brockman
G: DeMarre Carroll
T: Tyler Hansbrough

5.19.2009

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

Lost in all the A-Rod controversy the last couple years is that Kobe Bryant was once considered the biggest fake in sports.

This doesn't help:



For one thing, that form is just a disaster. That looks less like the Roc Diamond and more like a female part of the anatomy.

Then again, maybe Bean is doing that on purpose...

5.18.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK

This isn't an LSD flashback: That's actually Mike "The Miz" in the ring at a recent WWE event trash-talking Alfonso Soriano and Soriano just takin' it.

Hey Alfonso: Go up there and smash a chair over his head!!

(Skip straight to 3:00...)

5.15.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK

This kid's an animal, folks:

5.14.2009

IT SUX TO BE A MICHIGAN WOLVERINE

2,000 days - and counting - since Michigan last beat Ohio State...



On a side note, it's been 14,574 days since the guy who counted this up had a life.

5.06.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK


You know we love Bird.

But this is the first picture we've seen fully detailing his tattoos and all we can say is, "Wow."

"What would go well with Chinese symbols and a dog collar tattoo? How about bird wings coming out of my arm pits!"

Well, it could be worse.

5.03.2009

ARE WE REALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL???

Or has Andy Katz just lost it?

According to his most-recent 2009-10 Top 25, Michigan is #9 in the country.

#9!!!!

Our first reaction was:

- The John Beilein media hype machine has spun out of control

- We are getting way, way too much credit for beating a Clemson team that collapsed at the end of the year

And yet, when you look at the teams around us, it isn't that far fetched - which says more about the state of college basketball than how good Michigan will be next year. Though we will say that Ohio State and Illinois should both be ranked ahead of us since they went a combined 4-1 against us.

Think these seats are still available in Lucas Oil Stadium???

4.22.2009

GREG ROBINSON PRAISE KEEPS POURING IN

Did you note the sarcasm there?

Found this excerpt interesting from an SI article on the Syracuse spring game. Said junior center Jim McKenzie after singing the school fight song with his teammates afterward:

"That was the first feeling of a unified team that I've had in a long time."

Uh, that's not a good sign when the Michigan defense was already pointing fingers at each other and taking swings at coaches by the end of last season.

4.17.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK: TUPAC SHAKUR

Man, who could foresee 2Pac's return coming at a Wizards-Celtics game? From Wednesday:


HT: Barstool Sports

AN ABSOLUTE MUST-READ

The story of wonderboy Todd Marinovich and his Daddy Dearest father, Marv.

This is some mind-blowing shit - and not just because Marinovich has been dropping acid for the last 20 years straight.

4.16.2009

SPEAKING OF BALLS IN THE FACE....

This certainly won't help the rumors Anderson Cooper's hiding in the closet:

"It's hard to talk when you're tea-bagging."



I love Old Man River laughing his ass off as if to say, "Oh Anderson: You homo..."

4.15.2009

MICHIGAN'S NEXT QB: GREG PAULUS???


This feels like our April Fools' joke, but we assure you it is not: Greg Paulus could be Michigan's starting quarterback this fall (FoxSports.com).

OK, it's definitely time for the Nic Cage Triplets Face:



So he's had more balls in his face over the last 4 years than Kobe Tai (as evidenced here, here, here and here).

And yes, we're already on the Tate Forcier bandwagon after one beautiful touchdown pass in the Spring Game.

But this is a GENIUS move by Rich Rodriguez. We don't have any more insight into Paulus' game than what you're already reading: He was unreal in high school and would be a perfect fit for the spread.

All we have to say right now is that it's about time Dick Rod started finding loopholes to exploit (seriously, what were we paying you for???) and we need all the QBs we can get when this dude's our backup.

Oh, and if this pisses off the rest of the coaches in the Big 10, all the better.

We are SO back.

4.14.2009

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE WEEK

You gotta love Ludacris' message in this one:

"Something go wrong? Punch someone in the face!"

4.12.2009

THE NEW HOTNESS

Yeah, this is gonna be funny:



We love that after Borat people were saying, "I don't think he'll be able to do another movie now that he's so famous." Hello, do you realize how many morons there are in this world???

Let's hope he was able to track down these dudes:

4.10.2009

KANYE WEST DONE BEING A DOUCHE?

Well it only took Kayne West 5 years to realize his Monster Ego act had worn thin. After getting put on blast by "South Park" last night, he posted this message on his blog:

"AS LONG AS PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME. I GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE I'M NOT ACTUALLY A HUGE DOUCHE BUT I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE."

Easy on the Caps lock, 'Ye!

But seriously, it's quite refreshing to see a prima donna come out and call himself a douche these days. Maybe someone else can take Kanye's lead...

4.09.2009

NCAA TOURNAMENT TOP 5 MOMENTS

Very disappointing tournament full of blowouts and favorites. But don't worry: We boiled down the Dance to the Top 5 moments for you:

5. From Way Downtown - Bang!



4. Good-son to the Last Drop



3. "Onions! Double Order!"



2. Scottie Too Hotty



1. Whale Porn



Was there ever any doubt?

See you all next year.

4.07.2009

HE DID IT AGAIN? HATERS NO LIKE


That's it: We're buying Knick tickets for tomorrow night's game.

I mean how often can you go to Madison Square Garden and chant "MVP! MVP! MVP!" - well aside from when LeBron and Kobe are in town??

Now you can do it every night folks, because Courtney Sims has been named D-League MVP!!!

Forget that this title is somewhere between Ohio State valedictorian and being a bastard child of Shawn Kemp in terms of prestige - you've gotta give it up for Sims working his ass off the last couple years.

This is going to sound like blasphemy, but is Courtney Sims right now better than Greg Oden?

Yeah, we said it.

4.06.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Well this should cheer Sparty fans up:

Paul Davis on the Millionaire Matchmaker.

You can't make this stuff up.

Wait, was Paul Davis just described as a "basketball sensation"? I just made the Nic Cage "Triplets?!?!?" face.

Next, someone needs to look into Paul Davis's finances. A millionaire? We think not.

And you know you're in trouble when the orange lady from Millionaire Matchmaker is saying you have 0 personality:

4.03.2009

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK



"Not poop, coach - anything but poop!!!!"

Oh women's basketball.

That reminds us...

4.02.2009

THE RETURN OF C.T.


There was really only one way for MTV to redeem itself after disastrous experiment known as "The Island" and the worst Real World season ever:

C.T. jacking people in the face.

From the man that brought you "I will work you, dog!!!!" - behold:



That's what I'm talkin' about!!!!!

See you next Wednesday at 10 PM.

4.01.2009

BREAKING NEWS: XAVIER HENRY TO MICHIGAN!

How's that to pick up your day???

In "Fuckin' Shitballs!!!" news, Jason King of Yahoo! has literally just broken news that the nation's #1 basketball recruit, SG Xavier Henry, has already bailed on Memphis with the departure of John Calipari and will instead become a MICHIGAN MAN!!!

Henry's father, Carl, has confirmed the report.

Apparently, Xavier became enamored with Big Blue while watching the Dance and had an impromptu 30-minute talk with Johnny B after hearing about Cal-to-Kentucky.

Oh, and it didn't hurt he LOVES the Fab Five.

Said Carl: "Xavier's already got his black socks picked out."

A press conference is scheduled at 4:00 PM for his Oklahoma City High School, which will be broadcast live on ESPNEWS.

(FYI: It's pronounced "Zah-vee-A", not Xavier like the school - better get used to saying it!)

Needless to say, this is the biggest recruiting haul since the Fab Five and instantly puts Michigan in the 2010 national title hunt. Now please pardon us while we go barf up our Pop Tart.

Savor this link, people. (Yahoo!)

3.31.2009

CO-REALESTS OF THE WEEK

We've got another first at The Realests - a split R.O.Y. between Nic Cage and Michigan backup QB David Cone (HT: GSylvest).

Let us explain:

Nic Cage

You put a bunch of Japanese dudes and Nic Cage in the same room and you know crazy shit is gonna happen. It's just amazing it took us (and by us, I mean The Sports Guy) this long to find it.



David Cone

Skip the first minute then let the good rhymes roll!!!

D.Cone Goin In For Life.


Let us breakdown a couple of these raps:

"I am so G.A., like Chipper with the Braves."


OK, I've heard better lyrics from LFO.

"Someone grab the Febreze, I think we have it in the kitchen.
And spray in on the mic cuz when I'm rappin' I be shittin'."

Very Lil Wayne-esque...

"I told 'em miss me with that bullshit, I won't miss you when I pull it.
I will miss you when I'm pulling bullets out that full clip."

OK, that shit don't even make sense. We love it.

Hey, maybe there is hope for this team!

3.28.2009

MICHIGAN BASKETBALL RECAP

Alright everyone's been waiting patiently for this post to explode, so here's out thoughts on John Beilein's second season at UM:

2009 Recap:

• If you would have told us at the beginning of the year we would have made the Round of 32, we would have said you'd had one too many quaaludes.

• Maybe we overstated it a bit with DeShawn Sims for Big Ten Player of the Year, but name a more improved player in the country than DeShizzle. To increase your shooting percentage 10 points in one year is completely ridiculous.

• Manny Fresh was Manny Fresh. To be among the Top 10 in Big Ten points, rebounds and assists is no small feat. If there's one adjustment that needs to be made in the offseason, it's Beilein pushing the ball when Manny gets it in the open court. He's a one-man fastbreak, people.

• The rebounding situation? Yikes. We know rebounding is the Achilles' heel of Beilein's offense, but there were times teams would get 4 or 5 offensive rebounds in one possession.

• The offense took huge strides forward this year (244th in offensive efficiency in 2008, 96th this year), but there were still some BRUTAL scoring droughts that reminded us of the Tommy Amaker Point a Minute teams. When we just start winging it around the perimeter for 30 seconds, DeShawn has to call for it on the block next year and take control.

2010 Preview:

• You know Michigan fans are going to start talking crazy shit like the Final Four in the offseason with basically everyone coming back. And we should be very, very good. But just a note of caution: The Big 10 is going to be an absolute bloodbath next year. Aside from Wisconsin, NO ONE loses any seniors. BJ Mullens going pro really hurts, but Evan Turner is a stud and David Lighty coming back off a broken foot will be a huge boost.

• Kelvin Grady: Please do some serious soul-searching in the offseason. We don't know what it is with these Grady brothers, but we seriously need someone to run the point next year with Merritt and C.J. Lee graduating. We don't even need Grady to score. If he can just push the break and take care of the ball, he might actually get on the court.

• It'll be really interesting to see how our recruiting class turns out, with Beilein pulling in some real studs (Matt Vogrich, Darius Morris, Jordan Morgan). Morgan will have to contribute minutes right away and it will be quite comical to see Stu, Novak and Vogrich on the court on the same time. Seriously, how many baby-faced white kids can we get?

Our 2010 prediction: Big Ten 4th place, Sweet Sixteen.

Not bad for Year 3, Johnny Cakes.

3.24.2009

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK

Please sit down before you read this line:

Courtney Sims is in the NBA

Well, kind of. He's on the Knicks.

That's right, Sims has replaced Cheikh Samb and signed a 10-day contract in The Big Apple.

It's actually a perfect situation for Sims: sit on the bench all practice next to Eddy Curry as he slams donuts, then come in and make Curry look fat and slow. A nutless monkey could do that job.

Boom: Another 10-day contract.

Editor's Note: Our basketball season recap will be up tomorrow. Everyone keep their pants on.

3.23.2009

THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD

It's official: The Ann Arbor News is dunzo.

You know, I've waited a long day to write this post with all the d-bags I've run into over there.

But damn that's a lot of lost jobs.

Combined with the News and Freep in full freak-out mode, it's pretty scary to think about how fucked the economy in Michigan is these days and journalism is in general.

Anyway, here's the link.

3.17.2009

LOSTLETTERMEN.COM

Wondering where we've been the last couple months?

www.lostlettermen.com

As we said, we never pass up a chance for self-promotion. Spread the word.

2009 SUPER SLEEPER: STEPHEN F. AUSTIN

Update: Well that blew up in our face like a Dan Kendra science experiment, didn't it?

That Jonny Flynn's pretty good.

Go ahead, bring on the Haterade. We know: This blog is a shell of itself.

You didn't really think we were going to leave you hanging without our Super Sleeper this year did you?

We might have fallen off the blog game big time, but we will NEVER miss an opportunity for self-promotion. Like ever.

So far we're 2 for 2 with these kinds of things (Northwestern State in '06, San Diego in '08) so, yeah, there's some pressure on us this year.

It'd be easy for us to play it safe and go with the conventional pick of Portland State over Xavier (Game in Boise, Terrell Holloway is hurt, Xavier's on a slide, PSU already won at Gonzaga and played UW close, Jeremiah Dominguez is sweet) - but we've always blazed our own path here at The Realests.

Our goal is to pick the BIGGEST upset of the first round.

How do you think we became the 69th most influential sports blog?

So instead we're going with the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks over perennial choke-job Syracuse:

• Jim Boeheim is Mr. First Round Exit (see Richmond in 1991, Vermont in 2005)

• Remember in 2006 when everyone was clinging to Gerry McNamara's nuts after 'Cuse won 4 games in 4 days for the Big East Tourney title. Know how they fared in that tournament? Lost in the first round. McNamara? 2 points. Watch Jonny Flynn do the same.

• Syracuse is a horrible, HORRIBLE defensive team. They are really, really lazy on that famed 2-3 zone and rank 109 in defensive efficiency. Providence put up 100 points on this crew.

• A team that will read the headlines and think it's WAY better than they are. Paul Harris is a huge underachiever and Eric Devendorf is a wankster.

• SFA can light it up (112-111 3 OT win over North Dakota State).

• A great inside-outside combo of C Matt Kingsley and F Josh Alexander. If Alexander gets hot from 3, watch out since 'Cuse doesn't even bother to guard people out there.

OK, we're done here.

Editor's Note: To the comment below: Shit, do we have to do everything around here? Why don't we just give you the trophy...

3.10.2009

MARCH MADNESS IS HERE

Sign you've lost your damn mind in March Madness: Watching the Summit League Championship Game and sweating bullets because an Oakland victory will boost Michigan's resume (!!!).

Send help. Fast.



Update: IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!

3.07.2009

DESHIZZLE MY NIZZLE

What an amazing comeback by Big Blue today to stamp our ticket to the Big Dance. We'll follow this up with another post, but we just want to throw this out there:

DeShawn Sims: Big Ten Player of the Year

If people are smart enough to look past the best player on the conference champs (Kalin Lucas), the league's scoring leader (Manny) and the feel-good story (Talor Battle), it really comes down to him and Ohio State's Evan Turner.

Granted, big men always have much higher shooting percentages - but this says it all for us:

Turner: 51.1 FG%
Sims: 50.7 FG%*
Manny: 41.2 FG%
Battle: 40.5 FG%
Lucas: 39.3 FG%

* That comes after shooting a combined 38.0% his first two years.

Realests - out.

FOR ALL THE MARBLES

Everyone already knows the implications of today's game vs. Minnesota.

But don't worry guys, I'm sure a loss here won't haunt you for the rest of your lives...


P.S. Is that Stu Douglass or Kevin Garnett??

3.04.2009

STRAIGHT CA$H, HOMEY

Or should it be, "Cash Rules Everything Around Me"?

Since The Sports Guy recently labeled Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren "The Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth" we asked ourselves, "Who the shit is this dude?"

Upon further review, we concur. Let us count the ways:

• HE'S MARRIED TO JESSICA ALBA. Just chew on that for a second longer.

• His name is Cash. Normally we'd say he's just some rich snot-nosed brat and that he should be ridiculed for his name, but not when...

• His dad is Mike Warren. Never heard of him? Oh, he was just an All-American PG at UCLA that won 2 national titles (1967, 1968) with a guy named Lew Alcindor. So yeah, he's probably got Kareem and John Wooden on speed dial at home.

• Born with those genes, Cash was good enough to play basketball at his preppy private school (Crossroads) in LA. That itself doesn't mean dick. But it just-so-happens that while he's there, none other than Baron Davis "transfers" to his high school. Of course, they become best friends and now Cash and Jess sit courtside for all Clippers games (OK, that is NOT awesome).

• Yale graduate. Yawn.

• Looking for a career in film, his actor-dad hooks him up as the director's assistant on "Fantastic Four" - skipping about 10 years in the film profession. Oh yeah, and that's where he met Alba.

• His latest project? Producing the new Baron Davis' documentary "Crips and Bloods: Made in America" - because, you know, as a half-black man, he's worried about the direction of today's African-American youth.

So yeah, life is good if you're Cash Warren. And shitty if you're this guy.

2.25.2009

POOR LARRY COKER


If you missed it, former Miami coach Larry Coker is among three finalists for the UT-San Antonio head coach job. Didn't know the Roadrunners even had a football team? That's because they don't; it will be starting in the 2011 season.

He's up against Northwest Missouri State head coach Mel Tjeerdsma and Tulsa co-defensive coordinator Paul Randolph for the position.

Wow. Is this really the best Coker can do despite coaching at The U and winning a national title (and let's be honest: it should have been two) less than a decade ago? We're not saying he deserves a better gig, but even The Zooker wound up on his feet at Illinois after getting run out of town in Gainesville.

2.23.2009

MANNY ROTTEN

After crying ourselves to sleep last night following Michigan's collapse on the road at Iowa, this is as calm as we're going to sit down and post.

So let's cut straight to the million-dollar question:

What the hell happened to Manny Harris?

In just a few short months he went from the favorite to win Big Ten Player of the Year to riding the pine in Iowa City during overtime.

It's as simple as this: Manny has always been an awful fit for Beilein's offense, which made it really easy for Big Ten opponents to figure out how to defend him.

It's pretty obvious at this point Corperryale is like a square peg in a round hole in this 5 Out Offense. Manny is a slasher who is tremendous driving to the rack, where he creates for himself or others, and DEADLY on the break. Take a look at Manny being fresh back in November:



It's a shame none of Manny's strengths (except being good at basketball) fit Beilein's offense, which is predicated on half-court offense, movement away from the ball, sharp passing and - above all - spot-up shooting (hence, Zack Novak is starting to look like J.J. Redick).

With all five players on the perimeter at the offensive end, teams now double Manny as soon as he starts to penetrate, forcing him to swing it around the arc and go scratch his head in the corner.

In the one good outing Manny has had in the last 5 games (vs. Northwestern), he was completely shut down in the first half (1 point), then exploded for 25 points by creating turnovers and getting out on the break. Unfortunately, this is the Big 10 and teams take care of the ball too well to count on that happening on a regular basis.

Now completely frustrated and pushing too hard to make things worse, Manny has turned into a complete headcase.

This leaves Beilein at a huge crossroad: Push the tempo of his offense and tweak the 5 Out to accamodate his best player by playing two bigs (who wouldn't want to see a starting lineup of DeShawn Sims and Zack Gibson right about now?), or keep shoving the system down Manny's throat and hope he develops a clue and a long-range jumper?

Count on the latter, since the former is basically sacrilege.

See you all at The Garden...

DEATH BLOW

Up by four with 1:11 left and our NCAA Tournament lives on the line, then losing by 10?

Yeah, this is all we can think of too:


More to come tomorrow.

2.17.2009

SOULJA BOY ENLIGHTENS US

Amazing piece on Puffy Paint in XXL this week (yes, we bought it just because the Diplomats were on the cover).

Like every other punk with way too much money, Soulja Boy is not just content being a crap rapper, and instead already wants to expand the Soulja Boy Brand:

"I'm thinking movies, video games, clothing lines. I'm thinking of building an empire. There are still places where I can go in a room full of people in business suits who don't know who the fuck Soulja Boy is.

I want to be bigger than just music. I want Barack Obama's status. Everyone knows who Barack Obama is. If you don't know who Barack Obama is, you're stupid."


Riiiiiiight.

Hey wait a second - was that a clap at DMX?! This can only end badly.

2.13.2009

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Need a hook? Call Jim Jones.



Streets is talking that his next single is "Baby Talk" and features the chorus "Gah-gah, goo-goo!"

2.11.2009

NO, THIS IS DOGSHIT JOURNALISM

Warning: Your head could explode watching this video of yesterday's "Around the Horn" featuring none other than Weezy F. Baby.

It's like we entered Dimension X as we watched Wayne ask what A-Rod would tell the kids about his steroid use while Michael Smith nodded in agreement and Reali furiously hit the "Ca-chink! Ca-chink!" button.

Still none of this compares to the very opening when Woody Paige dons a nasty wig, slurps a lollipop and proclaims, "I'm your Prom Queen, Wayne - with a lollipop."

Uh Woody, you realize that's sexual innuendo and you just said you want Wayne's wang in your mouth, right?



This is a new low - even for a man that has eaten dog food on air.

Huge HT: Grant S.

2.10.2009

THIS IS DOGSHIT JOURNALISM

We've read a lot of asinine comments from sports journalists in the last couple days about "A-Fraud" - but this is one of the most poorly thought-out columns I've ever read in my life.

From Bill Madden of the New York Daily News:

"Cut him loose - no matter the cost.

As difficult as it is to imagine eating $270 million, the Bombers will be making a statement, not just for the Yankee brand but for baseball as a whole.

They will be applauded for it."

So let's get this straight: Swallow A-Rod's $270 contract and cut one of the top 5 players in baseball in exchange for what? The approval of sports columnists everywhere?

This is all we have to say to that:



(Editor's Note: Despite what some people say, if I can type in "The Beach asshole suggestion" on Google and immediately get this 7 second clip, we're doing alright as a country.)

2.09.2009

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY


It's been way too long since our last Weezy quote. From 3 Peat on "Tha Carter III."

"Crazy on these n*****, I don't give a motherfuck.
Run up in a n*****' house and shoot his grandmother up.
What. I don't give a motherfuck.
Get your baby kidnapped and your baby motherfucked."

First off: OK, we estabished you don't give fuck.

Second: It's not really rhyming if you just use the same word over and over.

And third: Woah Weezy, that's some Suge Knight shit right there!

I mean, hey, we're all about actin' a fool - but shooting people's grandmothers? Kidnapping babies and fucking them? This could (we stress could) be crossing the line to senseless violence. Just a thought.

And to think it was thisclose to being your Album of the Year, people. Wayne got jobbed.

2.08.2009

GREG "BUKKAKE" PAULUS

Things haven't gone exactly to plan at Duke for Greg Paulus. The former uber-recruit in football AND basketball has become Duke's latest Public Enemy No. 1, been benched as a senior and turned into a prop for monster dunks.

While nothing will compare with having another man's nuts on your chin (there's also this and this), Miami's Dwayne Collins really took it to a new level by straddling Paulus, then knocking his ass down again on the finish. Poor guy:

2.04.2009

BREAKING DOWN SIGNING DAY


Our thoughts on Dick Rod's second recruiting class, and other musings:

• Tate, please take this site down. You look like a douche.

• Obviously the first thing that jumps out about our 2009 recruiting class is that only 4 recruits are from the state of Michigan. Meanwhile, Mark Dantonio (12 Michigan recruits) also put together a solid recruiting class by scooping up the players Dick Rod ignored. This is EXACTLY what we brought Rodriguez in to do: Stripmine the South for talent in order to compete for national titles, which we (or anyone in the Big Ten) haven't been able to do in recent years due to a lack of speed.

But there's no doubt this is a huge roll of the dice. If MSU keeps beating us, Rodriguez will undoubtedly be portrayed as a guy that forgot what made Michigan football great and doesn't understand the pride with which in-state recruits play for UM (Exhibit A: Bill Callahan). Again, what you and I think is a necessary step for the program could ultimately be part of Dick Rod's demise. He's got two years and the clock is ticking.

• We can't emphasize the last-minute signing of QB Denard Robinson. Hey, we're all aboard the Tate Forcier bandwagon, but counting on one guy to be your program's savior is a death wish. Look at Ohio State. In 2004, Justin Zwick was supposed to be Tressel's big first stamp on the program, while no one had ever heard of redshirt frosh Troy Smith. Well, you know the rest.

• Everyone needs to take a deep breath of DeQuinta Jones' defection to Arkansas. We got three absolute studs on the defensive line (William Campbell, Anthony LaLota and Craig Roh) and Campbell is the equivalent of two people (320 pounds in high school? Absolutely absurd). If Dick Rod fails at Michigan, it won't be due to lack of a front four.

• One area I haven't heard people talk much about is running back. I'm concerned, to say the least, that we went for another batch of Smurfs (Teric Jones is 5-8, Vincent Smith is 5-6, and Fitz Toussaint is 5-10) especially in the wake of the Sam McGuffie debacle. Yes, Mike Hart was also a little guy. But with Dick Rod, I was expecting at least one uber-recruit at RB.

• As a native of Columbus, you have no idea how happy it makes me to see Ohio's finest like safety Justin Turner defect from the Suckeye state. Here's hoping this kid is the next Charles Woodson.

• With the late addition of Je'Ron Stokes, there are absolutely no excuses for our wideouts to suck this year. If we can actually stay healthy and catch the damn ball (we're looking at you here, Martavious), this could be the most improved position on the team.

• We have no idea if DB Adrian Witty can play ball, but we like this guy already.

Zach Boren has now officially just his brother Benedict at tOSU. Good, now we can step on both their faces in November.

• The way Ohio State is able to reload talent is sick and twisted. Beanie Wells bolts for the NFL? No problem! They bring in burner Jaamal Berry, who will be a perfect fit for the spread offense under Terrelle Pryor. I don't picture Stevie Brown taking either down anytime soon.

• Look no further than Champaign, Illinois to see the effects of the recession, where Ron Zook 's recruiting budget ran out of money for his traditional coke and stripper orgies. The Zooker still landed a respectable class (32nd), but it will be interesting to see how he does from here on out without D.C. recruiting wiz Mike Lockley - now the New Mexico head coach. After hauling in players like Arrelious Benn and Vontae Davis, Zook got just one 2-star from the D.C. area.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

X done did it again!

First there's the whole "Devil lives in Arizona" thing that he's been mocked mercilessly for. But our favorite? Go straight from 11:35 to 12:15 on the video. D will take it from there:



If you don't have the patience, here's the transcript. Keep in mind that less than a year ago X had no idea who Barack Obama was:

Old Man River: "How do feel that Obama... probably wouldn't like the message in your music."

X: "What's the message in my music that he wouldn't like?"

OMR: "Probably some of the stuff about killing, guns, drugs."

X: "Hmmmm. Well I don't talk much about... killing... other... people."

(Editor's Note: Hey X, what about "I got blood on my dick 'cause I fucked a corpse"???)

OMR: "Let me read you one."

X: "Alright, alright, so maybe I do. Hahahhaha! OK maybe I do. You got me there!"

HT: Eastern Hemisphere

THE GOLDEN YEARS


With the Michigan basketball team back to sucking ass, we've gotten a little nostalgic over here at The Realests thinking about the Brian Ellerbe and Tommy Amaker eras.

Needless to say, a single tear dropped down our faces when several readers sent us a link announcing that Courtney Sims, "Big Game" Chris Hunter and "Air Georgia" - Brent Petway - were all selected to the NBDL All-Star Game in Phoenix.

On a more serious note, how does David Stern not take one look at that roster and pull the plug on the whole damn operation? Quin Snyder is an All-Star head coach for shit's sake!

Which got us thinking: What happened to some of the Michigan's greatest (and by greatest, we mean abysmal) stars from yesteryear. You might be surprised:

LaVell Blanchard: Cyprus
On second thought, maybe he should have gone to Duke...

Dion Harris: Cyprus
You done put two of America's most wanted in the same mothafuckin place at the same mothafuckin time??? Break out the champagne glasses and the mothafuckin' condoms!!!

Daniel Horton: France
It really chaps our ass that Chris Quinn is in the NBA and Horton is not. Give this man a chance to ball!

Josh "Ass Face" Asselin: Spain
Ugh. The Brian Ellerbe era. And those hideous 'M' uniforms. Make it stop.

Robert "Tractor" Traylor: Turkey

Seriously, hang it up already, man.

Chris Young: Belgium
The lone bright spot during some very, very dark years. Again, you can't tell us this guy isn't better than some of the doofuses in the NBA. You don't think he could school Mark Madsen 1-on-1? Please...

Josh Moore: Cyberspace

No joke: His blog Eastern Hemisphere is actually quite funny.

If you happen to know the whereabouts of the Dominic Ingersons and Gavin Groningers of the world, please feel free to update this list below.

HOLD TIGHT

We've got to give our loyal readers credit for sticking with us even after we've quit on ourselves. But we've had more comebacks than Ricky Henderson and tomorrow will be no different. We'll be back tomorrow with a full breakdown of Michigan's recruiting class. In the meantime, pray for the undecideds.

1.26.2009

MICHIGAN SPORTS STATE OF THE UNION

(Update: Tajh Boyd to Clemson. Victory!!!!!!!)

We've gotten away from our bread and better the last couple weeks, so we're going to hook you up with a quick breakdown of everything going on in Michigan sports.

Drumroll, please:

• It was almost a year ago to the day we "heard" about the Kitten Killer at Syracuse. Well, let's just say it's a very cruel twist of fate that Greg Robinson is now Michigan's defensive coordinator. MGoBlog has a complete breakdown of the hire, including Robinson's alarming defensive stats over the past couple years. Does he have great credentials as a DC? Certainly. But when you combine two guys that both went 3-9 last year, let's just say this isn't the offseason spark we were looking for.

• What is going on with Corperryale Harris? Over the past 4 games, he's shot a paltry 34% from the field (16-47). Beilein says everyone's overreacting: "I see these matchups on TV and who’s leading the Big Ten (in scoring), that is not a stat that should be (relevant.) It should be are we winning games? So, not at all." Note to coach Beilein: We HAVEN'T been winning games! Anywho, right now we're among Joe Lunardi's Last 4 In and it appears we'll be sweating out a bid all the way up until Selection Sunday. And yes, it makes us sick too to cheer for Duke.

• Poor Steve Kampfer. The dude gets body slammed by Mike Milano in the fall, then almost gets his neck broken in a hockey game this past weekend. And why is Kampfer's dad the one apologizing for confronting MSU's Corey Tropp in the locker room?

• Tajh Boyd is about to commit to either Ohio State, Clemson or Oregon today. As previously stated, I'm going to hurl if he ends up at Ohio State. That would be BACK-TO-BACK MVPs OF THE U.S. ARMY BOWL, both at quarterback! While it seems crazy to follow Pryor, it actually makes perfect sense. Boyd will redshirt this year, Pryor will likely be gone by his junior year, and then Boyd gets three years as a starter. Hey, maybe we'll be able to beat the Bucks by 2014!

• Props to Daily sports writer Dan Feldman. I've never met the guy, but to have your blog picked up by ESPN within a year is pretty outstanding.

• It's way too early for a Super Sleeper in this year's NCAA Tournament, but we'll throw you a bone, people. We're really impressed by the Buffalo Bulls. That's right, Buffalo. They've already downed Temple, played Connecticut close (L, 68-64) and won 9 out of their last 11.

1.22.2009

WEEZY F. ARCHIVE


We really seem to have a struck a chord with the Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day, with hits up and users even submitting their own favorite mind-numbing lines.

As such, we've decided to start an archive that will sit atop the Classic Jams sidebar on the right for all eternity.

Enjoy and please feel free to keep the submissions coming on this page or by sending us an e-mail.

Cheers.

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #16: "Crazy on these n*****, I don't give a motherfuck. Run up in a n*****' house and shoot his grandmother up. What. I don't give a motherfuck. Get your baby kidnapped and your baby motherfucked."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #15:
" 'Geant ou petite', we do it the biggest, and new nae rats mean we ain't snitches. Now can ya tell me how good my French is: 'voulez-vous coucher avec moi bitches?' "

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #14: "Young, rich bastard. Nine in my jacket, just waiting to blast it. And I was born in a casket. In other words, I was born to die, fagot."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #13: "I ain't got a nose for you boogers, I'm sugar."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #12: "The only time I wear Depends is when I'm 70 years old. That's when I can't hold my shit within, so I shit on myself. Cause I'm so sick and tired of shitting on everybody else."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #11:
"I swear the other day I pissed Cristal."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #10: "We are not the same, I am an alien. Like Gonzalez, young college student. Who done just flipped the game, like Houston."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #9: "When you're great it's not murder it's assassinate. So assassinate me, bitch. Cause I'm doing the same shit Martin Luther King did. Checkin' in the same hotel in the same suite bitch same balcony. Like assassinate me bitch."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #8: "Abracadabra, I'm up like Viagra. I just do this shit for my click like Adam Sandler."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #7: "I flushed out the feeling of me being the shit. Cuz I was leaving skid marks on everywhere I sit."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #6: "Uh, Mr. Al Sharpton, here's why I don't respect you and nobody like you.

Mmm hmm, see you're the type that gets off on gettin' on other people. That's not good - no homo.

And rather unhuman I should say. I mean, given the fact that humanity - well, good humanity, rather - to me, is helpin' one another, no matter your color or race.

But this guy - and people like him - they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's a word..."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #5: "Dropping ashes in the bible, I shake 'em out and they fall on the rifle. Scary, Hail Mary, no tale fairy. All real very, extraordinary."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #4:
"Swagger tighter than a yeast infection. Fly go hard like geese erection."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #3: "I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #2: "I feel big! Not, not "big" in the sense of weight, you know like gaining weight or - nothing like that. But like COLOSSAL, you know what I mean? Like... (Sigh)"

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #1: "My picture should be in the dictionary, next to the definition, of definition."

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY


From the "It's Me Bitches" remix with Jadakiss and R. Kelly:

" 'Geant ou petite', we do it the biggest, and new nae rats mean we ain't snitches.

Now can ya tell me how good my French is: 'voulez-vous coucher avec moi bitches?' "


Quick refresher: The last line is translated: "Will you sleep with me tonight..... bitches." Hey, we understand that you're going to occasionally lift lines when you pump out 3,000 songs a day. But jacking material from Lady Marmalade? Oy.

We realize French is important in New Orleans. But as one astute fan already noted: Hey Wayne, shouldn't you learn English first?

(Editor's Note: To whoever posted below: Yes, the last line was a little harsh. But we kid because we love. I mean what's realer than selling a million records of gibberish in a week???)

1.18.2009

OBAMA EXPRESS, BITCHES!!!

Update: It's been two days and I'm still in shock.

After getting up at 6 AM and standing in the freezing cold for nearly 3 hours, I never even got a whiff of the National Mall due to a massive breakdown in the security lines.

Needless to say, I'm a little skeptical my government can solve two wars and a financial crisis when it's too incompetent to A) send me my absentee ballot and B) allow me to watch my president take office after enduring a 5-hour bus ride from New York.

I see nothing short of a personal letter of apology from the government in our inbox that will restore my faith in this country.

Otherwise, let us never speak of this again.


That's right. Due to a last minute Flip McTastic, The Realests are currently sitting on a bus headed to DC for the HISTORIC inauguration of Barack Obama (If you thought hearing that Jerome Bettis was from Detroit got old, brace yourselves).

We're rumored to be attending a concert tonight that involves DMX. Something we find hard to believe since A) the Crack Man is in jail and B) he still may not know who Barack Obama is. But never put anything by X...

We'll have more from the trail to come.

1.15.2009

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY


From "Damn", also off "The Best of Lil Wayne" mixtape:

"Young, rich bastard. Nine in my jacket, just waiting to blast it.
And I was born in a casket. In other words, I was born to die, fagot."

A couple questions here:

• When you say you were born in a casket - does that mean you were actually conceived out of a corpse or your mom just-so-happened to be lying in a casket when you were delivered?

• So because you were born in a casket, you were born to die? As opposed to the rest of us that are born to... what exactly?

• Are you implying that by being born there you've already experienced death in a way? It's all very poetic, but we're not buying it.

1.14.2009

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY


From "Down" on the mixtape "Best of Lil Wayne":

"I ain't got a nose for you boogers, I'm sugar."

You see what he did there?

He took an insult, flipped it into a drug reference, and then handed his shit to you in a doggy bag. Genius!

1.13.2009

FAKEST OF THE YEAR

What's the saying: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice... well you can't fool me again.

???

Of course "The Truth" wasn't even supposed to play last night because of that chronic knee injury - then drops 39 on the Raptors.

Stop that Ahki!

1.12.2009

"THE COURAGE OF DETROIT" REAX

Just got through with the much-hyped Mitch Albom story in SI in which he waxes poetic about everything from The Big Three to the Detroit Lions. And we gotta admit: There are parts he absolutely NAILS it. The ending, for example: Phenomenal.

No one ever said the man can't write.

It did drag a little long and the rhetorical questions got a little old, but it's definitely worth a read for any UM alum.

But there's just one graph we can't get over as he sets up this Shakespearean tragedy for us:

"The Tigers were supposed to win big last season; they finished last in their division. Michigan got a new football coach with a spread offense and an eye on a national championship; the Wolverines had their first losing season since 1967."

An eye on a national championship? Who you trying to get crazy with Ese?

Mitch, baby, this is where you always get in trouble. You're writing the lights out on another gem when a fact doesn't quite fit into your story (i.e. not even the craziest of Michigan fans thought we were going to win the Big 10, much less the nati), so you embellish and just jam it in there anyway like a square peg into a round hole.

A real shame. One detail tarnishes a whole story. Typical Albom.

1.09.2009

LET THE DEBATE BEGIN...

Yeah, Tim Tebow now has a Heisman and two nati's.

But who will make the better pro?


VS.



The floor is open...

1.08.2009

BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK

We take a week off posting and already the blogosphere is going into hysterics. Well relax because the Teflon Dons are back with notes on Big Blue sports.

FOOTBALL

• We aren't panicking yet since the season isn't even over, but we might want to jump on this defensive coordinator thing. Unless Rich Rod can pull a rabbit out of his ass like Tommy Tuberville, we still think Jeff Casteel is far and away the best option - even after Hakeem Nicks ran circles around the 3-3-5 in the Car Care Bowl. Lock it up, R.R.!

• Did anyone else get a chance to see the Army All-American Bowl? We have just one thing to say: Tajh Boyd = Real Deal Holyfield. The game's co-MVP is a Pat White clone, with a stronger arm. The fact he's not even considering Michigan after Beaver left us high and dry makes us sick. If Ohio State lands him one year after snatching away Terrelle Pryor, I will definitely throw up all over myself and wipe it on my shirt - again.

• It seems all but official that The Matrix will be heading home to Houston to play for Rice instead of attending Texas A&M. Bravo, Sam. While we joke no one plays defense in the Big 12, McGuffie would've been reduced to a Rag Doll again in College Station. This just in: They don't hit as hard at Rice. And with a wide-open offense that will get him the ball in space, expect big things from this kid in 2010.

• Our thoughts on William Campbell: Holy moley. Yeah even we're salivating a little bit thinking about Big Willy Style and Brandon Graham lined up next to each other next year. If Campbell had ended up bouncing like Beaver, Rich Rod would have had a complete mental breakdown and coached next season with tapioca all over his face. Thanks Will.


BASKETBALL

• We don't care that this is an Indiana team that lost to Lipscomb and Northeastern: John Beilein is the smartest man alive. And the fact we hadn't beaten the Hoosiers in Bloomington since 1995 is particularly disgusting because they haven't even been good for the past decade! Good riddance to that streak.

• Is there any argument that Manny Harris is the Big Ten's MVP? We are literally one twisted ankle away from a 7th place finish in the conference. When Manny isn't Manny - as has been the case the last couple games - the team is just DeShawn Sims and a bunch of white pipsqueaks.

• As soon as the ball bounces off the rim, we might as well sprint back to the other end because we damn sure aren't grabbing a rebound this year. Granted, a lot of it is Beilein's system where no one is under the hoop. But can we please punch someone in the face to make them think twice about wiping the glass? We better not have too many more off-nights from downtown. Think about it: It's pretty alarming a Beilein team can hit 18 of 27 treys and STILL lose (like West Virginia did in the 2005 Elite Eight to Louisville). Yorp.

• How about that crazy Tommy Amaker?! We thought you could stick a fork in T.A. after the recruiting scandal a couple months back, but you watch: A BCS program will hire him next year based solely on this victory. Seton Hall, perhaps? USF is another possibility. We've been brutal to Tommy over the years here, but give the man credit for taking a miserable Ivy League job to stick with coaching. But please everyone - let's chalk this up to Boston College sleepwalking through the game instead of Amaker's "mastermind gameplan."

1.02.2009

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

One of Jigga's greatest bangers of all-time. Which doofus let this slip onto the Nutty Professor 2 soundtrack instead of giving it proper respect with a spot on an album?

We're looking at you, Dame Dash. You d-bag...