Realest of the Week

Vlad Putin has been wacked as Realest of the Week. Like Chris Webber, all records have been deleted. The new Realest of the Week: Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers, for wilin' out. Just look at the camera guy's face:

As the Joker would say: "Never rub another man's rhubarb" Posted by Hello

Putin still gets honorable mention, although there is controversy about even that honor after Kraft reportedly gave him the ring. Although, obviously even if Kraft didn't he would never say anything in order to avoid an international conflict.

"Russian President Vladimir Putin walked off with New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s diamond-encrusted 2005 Super Bowl ring.

Following a meeting of American business executives and Putin at Konstantinovsky Palace near St. Petersburg on Saturday, Kraft showed the ring to Putin — who tried it on, put it in his pocket and left."


Realest of the Week

White Sox OF Carl Everett.

Most recently:

"Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. ... I don't believe in gay marrages and I don't believe in being gay."

And from an old SI article:

"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett said last Friday, before the Red Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."

What about dinosaur bones?

"Made by man," he says.

Everett has trouble, too, with the idea of man actually walking on the moon. After first rejecting the notion, he concedes, "Yeah, that could have happened. It's possible. That is something you could prove. You can't prove dinosaurs ever existed. I feel it's far-fetched."


A Special Top Ten List

In honor of Ken's visit this last weekend (and his complaints about losing in the All-Real Tournament), we have decided to compile Ken's top ten real/non-real moments. Feel free to leave comments that tell us your own special Ken memories....here we go:

10. Ken receiving a bad meal this weekend, sending it back to the kitchen, and telling the waitress that it was the "worst meal I have ever had in my life."
9. Ken playing basketball in France on Tony Parker's team...no wait, against Tony Parker...no wait, in the same league as Tony Parker...no wait, in the same country as Tony Parker.
8. Ken getting a migraine and sleeping in the bathroom for two days in a row.
7. Ken wearing headbands to stop his hair from falling into his eyes.
6. Ken "macking" on girls at the law library - and by macking he means staring at them when their boyfriends aren't around.
5. Ken having to re-image his computer 6 times senior year because of all the porn-related viruses.
4. Ken snatching David Underwood's glove after a football game.
3a. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 1) - Jim makes funny comments about Ken's "love life." Ken proceeds to grab one of his own golf clubs during one of our parties and demands that Jim hit him in the face.
3b. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 2) - Jim is being obnoxious at the Jeopardy party, culminating in Ellen hitting Jim in the face with a metal pot. Despite my serious instigation attempts, Jim and Ken back down from an imminent fight and Ken goes to sleep at Maggie's house.
3c. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 3) - Jim comes into the house screaming "Hovi's home" for half an hour straight. Ken threatens to kill Jim for an hour straight.
3d. Ken + Jim - Ken defends Jim after Jim starts crying about a poster that I made which proclaimed how much I hated him.
2a. That stupid fan that Ken used to drown out the noise from our house. It couldn't be kept in the room because it gave him nose bleeds. I think he used the fan to cover up the masturbation noises.
2b. That Drew Henson jersey that he wears to bed everynight.
1. Laura Barnes


Realest of the Week

Rasheed Wallace.

Good thing Sheed didn't guarantee Game 5. He first tried to lose the game by calling a non-existent timeout as time expired in regulation. After that attempt failed, he then doubled Manu Gifloppili in the corner to leave Robert Horry open for a game-winning three-pointer.

"Hey Sheed: hasn't Robert Horry scored the team's last 20 points - and, isn't it time to D him up?" No. Instead, Sheed did the "I'm running at you with my hand up from 5-feet away" defense, always a favorite.

"Ball don't lie."

He did it again? Haters no like ... Posted by Hello


Newest Cootabulary

A running blog of new ways to use the word cooter - UPDATED THRU JUNE 16th (thanks to Diesel for the title):

New Hotness:
Acoot Alex
Cootenheim Museum
Cootnanny Noonanny

Old Hotness:
Cootface killa
Dennis Cootcinich
Coot Mongrel
Coot McCoot
Coot McCooterson
Coot McCallister
Cootang Clan


Realest of the Last 2 Weeks Honorable Mention

Michigan's chapter of the SAE fraternity.

From the Michigan Daily:

"A student who said he was assaulted by members of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity last year is now filing a lawsuit seeking damages from SAE.

LSA senior Calvin Kattola filed a lawsuit against SAE last Thursday, citing “ethnic intimidation” as one of the charges.

Kattola and his attorney filed the lawsuit because they believe the attacks were connected to ethnic intimidation. According to a police report filed in February of last year, members of SAE punched and kicked Kattola while repeatedly calling him a “sand-nigger,” Nacht said.

The alleged attack was connected to a feud between SAE and Delta Kappa Epsilon, and it occurred outside the DKE house, located on Olivia Street."

Just another reason why Fratboy Missionaries is going to make 3 trillion dollars.


Realest of the Last 2 Weeks

Have no fear - the Realest of the Week is here. There was a long drought in reality, but of course someone came to the rescue by making an ass of themself. From USA Today:

"Suspended Florida State quarterback Wyatt Sexton was taken to a hospital by police after they say observed him behaving strangely, laying in the street, and telling them that he was God.

Sexton was hospitalized Monday night and on Tuesday a Florida State official said he was still under medical care at an undisclosed location. He has not been charged with any crime.

An incident report by Tallahassee police officer Zachary Lyne said he was called to a residential neighborhood about a report of a man doing push ups in the street and acting strangely. Police said they'd also had a call from a different person about a man in the same location laying in the street and yelling at passersby, and another reporting the man had jumped on a car.

Lyne said he found Sexton in the middle of the road wearing only a wet pair of shorts.

The officer asked Sexton if he was OK and didn't get a response. He asked several times what the man's name was and eventually Sexton replied that he was God.

Once at the hospital, Sexton continued to say that he was God and that he didn't know why he was in the hospital, Lyne wrote in his report."


Realest of the Week

Clayton "Rocket" Richard.

You guys already know the story, but just in case you don't:

Growing up in the French Canadian wilderness, Rocket Richard had to become a man at a very early age. With his dad ill, Rocket had to keep the family warm by chopping down trees with an axe. While other kids played, Clayton just kept choppin' away. By the time he was a senior in high school, his arm was so strong that he threw for 7,000 yards on the gridiron and carrying his baseball team to a province junior title. In one game, Rocket even struck out 28 batters because one of his 112 MPH heaters got away from the catcher, letting the runner advance to first.

He chose Michigan for its football and cold weather, but quickly took hold of a clipboard behind John Navarre. Seeing his hopes fade away with every Chad Henne completion, the Rocket turned to his second love (behind chopping wood) - the baseball diamond. The Rocket made his return to baseball with an appearance against South Carolina in the NCAA Tournament.

Hats off to the Rocket.

You know, it's funny - they still say in Canada that if you listen close enough, you can still hear this faint sound coming from the forest: "Chop - chop - chop".

Honorable mention: Shaq - paying for George Mikan's funeral

UnRealest of the Week: Larry Brown (as pointed out by Zubin) - I'm a Cavs fan, so I don't really care if he screws the Pistons. Although he is completely infatuated with himself - which I respect - he is always whining about his kid not being able to come to games and shit like that.

Rocket Posted by Hello