REALESTS GUARANTEE: LES HEADED HOME

We're going to just go ahead and clear this whole mess up: Les Miles will be Michigan's head coach on Aug. 30, 2008 for the opener against Utah (someone get on the 338 days countdown clock).

Go write it down, this is a guarantee (we're talking a Mike Hart guarantee, not some flimsy Rasheed Wallace guarantee).

Here's 10 reasons why (Editor's note: This play should be one of the reasons alone but alas, it is not):

Reason #1: Lloyd Carr will retire despite finishing the season strong. We don't know if Michigan is going to win the Big 10, but it's certainly between us, Wisconsin and Ohio State. Even if we manage to finish 2nd, Carr will look at this year as a huge success and go out saying that he's never been prouder of a group of players. And let's face it: Carr is 62, going on about 80. Seeing him speak at a press conference is painful. We don't know if the rampant rumors of his health decline are true, but either way, he looks exhausted.

Reason #2: There is no one else. Still not convinced Miles is a great game coach? Neither are we. Too bad. Name one person even qualified for the job with Michigan connections. Jim Harbaugh's been ostrocized. Panthers defensive coordinator Mike Trgovac has been in the NFL for 10 years. Some people are holding out hope Michigan will be crazy enough to go outside the program. That will never happen. Even if it did, who's available? Rich Rodriguez? Jeff Tedford? Hey, what about Rich Brooks or Brian Kelly? Or - dare I say it - Bill Cowher! Get real, people.

Reason #3: People outside of Ann Arbor have no clue the loyalty Michigan Men have to their school (except for Jim Harbaugh of course, who will throw UM under the bus at any given moment). To any former UM player, the Michigan coaching job is considered holy. Not to sensationalize the death of Bo, but now more than ever, Miles must feel like it's his destiny to come home.

Reason #4: The talk of a $1.25 million buyout stopping this deal is absurd. We just paid double that for John Beilein who a) coaches basketball, which no one cares about b) has great credentials that will pale in comparison to Miles by the end of this season and c) has no Michigan connection. The money will just have to come out of "Dollar" Bill Martin's slush fund for his latest real estate project.

Reason #5: Speaking of Bill Martin, he knows his legacy depends on this hire. It’s just so easy to make fun of Bill Martin. The real estate mogul can’t stopping drilling in Ann Arbor while each of the major sports slump. And he’s already been widely criticized for hiring Tommy Amaker and Cheryl Burnett (granted, Rich Maloney was an absolute steal). Bill might as well hand Les a blank check. Despite coming across as a blow hard, he can be a real charmer when he gets you one-on-one. Ask anyone except Lloyd Carr: Coaches LOVE him.

Reason #6: Michigan-Ohio State is the greatest rivalry in sports - Period. People keep saying Miles should stay at LSU because "there's no Ohio State." That's outrageous. Ohio State is part of what makes Michigan one of, if not the greatest coaching job in America. You don't think it drives Miles crazy he went 0-3-1 against the Buckeyes during his time here? You don't think he's dying for a chance to be apart of THE GAME. LSU doesn't even have a clear cut arch-rival.

Reason #7: No one in the mainstream media will say this, but it's a cold, hard fact: Baton Rouge is a dump. Have you ever been to Louisiana? We have. It's a cesspool. There's a dirty little secret about the South: It's extremely poor, backward and racist (OK, the last one isn't a secret). Not exactly the place you'd want to raise your kids. We're a little biased, but name a better college town in America than Ann Arbor, Michigan. Just compare The Arb to LSU's version, Cypress Swamp (pictured). Breath-taking, isn't it?

Reason #8: Jim Tressel - that's right, Jim Tressel. Tressel came to Ohio State in a very similar situation and with a 5-1 record over Michigan and one national title, and is now a demigod in Columbus. As a Cbus native, I know Tressel has already had to move once to ensure more privacy because of all the Bucknuts honking past his house and knocking on the door. Not that Miles wouldn't be worshiped in Louisiana, but the idea of "resurrecting" his old program is just too tempting. Just like Tressel is becoming the next Woody, Miles could be the next Bo.

Reason #9: Playing for national championships. We doubt this would factor into his decision, but the Michigan job is also better than LSU’s because you have a better chance of playing for the national championship. At Michigan, you have to survive one tough nonconference game (Notre Dame or other), one tough Big Ten game (Iowa, Wisconsin or Penn State) and THE GAME. With Nick Saban added to the mix, the SEC is an absolute bloodbath with competitors like Florida, Tennessee, Auburn, Alabama, Georgia and Arkansas. And then there’s the SEC Championship Game. Like Ohio State has proven, a Big 10 power can play for the national title every 5 years. You can’t say that about the SEC.

Reason #10: Miles' wife, Kathy, will get the hook-up. A former UM women's basketball coach, no doubt she'd love to get involved in the athletic department while she's at Michigan. Bill Martin would surely be happy to oblige, just like Dr. Stephanie Pinder-Amaker just-so-happened to become the Associate Dean of Students at Michigan during Tommy's tenure.


Now there's some food for thought - you do the dishes.