MANU'S FAVE 5 FLOPPERS

In conjunction with our sponsor T-Mobile, we recently caught up with ousted San Antonio guard Manu Ginobili and shamelessly got his Fave 5 Floppers of All-Time.

Oddly enough, Ginobili's command of the English language appears about as poor as Borat's. Who knew?

5. Fabricio Oberto

Me and Fabricio go way back. Funny story. This one time, as children, he stood in for charge against me. I flail my arms and knock Fabricio's tooth out. He say: "Lesson learned Manu, I do like you from now on."


4. Anderson Varejao

How do you say? He like a brother from another mother, that one. I love the way he grows hair out to draw charge call. Before I lose hair, this was key to my game. Look, he even flop on own teammates!


3. Reggie Miller

Reggie is innovator. That leg kick he do during 3-point shot? Is nothing like that in soccer. I still trying to perfect that.


2. Manu Ginobili

I don't want sound cocky - but no one in league can touch me right now. No really, they can't. Am I worried about fine next year? Is joke, right? Timmy already say he pay for all my fines next year. David Stern is a boob.



1. Vlade Divac

I not be in NBA if not for Vlade. He made me and countrymen realize we can play here with inferior talent by falling down every play. I actually cry during 2002 playoffs when Vlade face Shaq. Vlade look like ballerina on basketball court. Was beautiful.

"LOST" SEASON FINALE INITIAL REACTION

JASON GIAMBI ALTERNATIVE SLUMP BUSTERS

Ever since Jason Giambi admitted he wears a golden thong to break out of slumps, he's been on a tear (well, a tear for Jason Giambi standards).

But the guy's still batting .235 and is well on his way to his sixth straight season with a batting average under .275.

So having a backup plan is probably a pretty good idea.

Here's our suggestions, in order of desperation:

(By the way, is it just us or did Giambi blatantly rip this idea off of JTMD???)

- Shave Your Legs

Go ahead and laugh, but it works for Brian Giles. At least it used to work for Brian Giles. Yes, he'd be completely transformed into a she-male and would probably end up on Channel 35.

- Get a Tramp Stamp

Giambi wouldn't just be a she-male, he'd be a complete slut as well. But how turned on would Alex Rodriguez be?

- Bleach Your Butthole

OK, now the guy's just a porn star. We can already imagine the Yankee clubhouse: Hideki whackin' it in one locker, Jorge pissing on his hands in another and Giambi scrubbing his crack with a toilet brush in the middle.

- Take More Steroids

Remember this guy? If none of the above work, it's time to just sack up again. Literally.

A MESSAGE FROM KYLE KORVER

Hip Hop Marmalade spic and span,
Met you one summer and it all began.

You're the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33.

When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet,
Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets.

Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby,
Something in your eyes went and drove me crazy.

Now I can't forget you and it makes me mad,
Left one day and never came back.

Stayed all summer then went back home,
Macaulay Culkin wasn't Home Alone.

Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speaking,
Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton.

When I met you I said my name was Rich,
You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.

HAPPY 15TH ANNIVERSARY JOSE CANSECO!

On this glorious day exactly 15 years ago, Jose Canseco pulled off the biggest bonehead play in Major League Baseball history (hey, who needs steroids when Canseco will launch the ball another ten feet off his cranium for ya?). And somehow, he's only become a bigger joke since.

Congrats Jose.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

If you had told us we'd one day name John Mayer Realest of the Week, we'd tell you we must no longer be The Realests.

Well, that day has arrived:



Needless to say, we'll be spending Memorial Day Weekend re-examining ourselves.

J.J. REDICK TRADED FOR HAM SANDWICH

In a season full of huge blockbuster deals, the latest swap could be the most shocking in NBA history.

In an unprecedented move, the Magic and Bobcats have agreed in principle to deal former Duke star J.J. Redick to the Bobcats after the NBA Playoffs for a ham sandwich, just days after Redick suggested the Magic trade him.

Said Magic coach Stan Van Gundy: “I’d like to thank Tony Kornheiser for suggesting this idea. We didn’t think we could get diddlie poo for J.J. The only time I wanted the kid on my team is if we played H-O-R-S-E in practice.

“And this isn’t just any ham sandwich. This is an Arby’s Ham and Swiss Melt, people,” said Van Gundy between stuffing his fat face.

Charlotte Bobcats managing member of basketball operations Michael Jordan was equally enthused.

“I know, I know. I sold my soul to the devil bringing in a Duke guy. But I really look at the acquisition of J.J. like when we got Steve Kerr in Chicago. And by that, I mean I look forward to punching his lights out in practice."

After an uncomfortable silence, Redick donned a Bobcats lid for the first time and posed for pictures.

“It’s good to be home,” Redick said as he popped the collar of his pink polo shirt.

When reached by phone about the deal, new Charlotte coach Larry Brown was caught off guard: “Redick? That little S.O.B. from Duke? Oh hell..." said Brown before hanging up.

TOP 10: REALESTS SPORTS TATTOOS (Cont.)

5. Robert Swift's Everything


We pick up where we left things off Monday with another honky. Ex-teammate Rashard Lewis: "That's the real Robert Swift. The first couple of years... he was trying to hide the things he liked to do and didn't really express himself." The one thing that hasn't changed about Swift? His game. In what was supposed to be his breakout year, he hurt his knee and played in just 8 contests. With all that free time, who knows what he'll look like by next season.

4. Jason Williams: "WHIT" "EBOY"


We've already gone into detail about how Jason Williams is white trash. How many times do you think White Chocolate has gone home to Charleston and shown off his knuckles to his inbred friends, followed by the question: "Why da hell'd chu get 'whit' 'eboy' on dem knuckles far?" We couldn't say it any better.

3. Stephen Jackson's Desert Eagle


Praying with a desert eagle in your hand seems to defeat the purpose, no? But maybe not when you're praying to murder people every day like Stephen Jackson is. In straight thuggery, this is up there with 2Pac's infamous "Thug Life" tat.

2. Mike Tyson's Face Tattoo


We really believe this was Tyson's most shocking moment. Not bad considering he's bitten Holyfield's ear off, threatened to eat Lennox Lewis' non-existent children and done the Monster Mash with Bobby Brown on national TV. But Mike seriously, when are you going to get the other side done?

1. Dennis Rodman's Super Slut


Most times, we find anything Dennis Rodman does extremely contrived, stupid and way overhyped ("Oh, he went with the rainbow hair tonight!!!!"). Not this time. In this Kingpin inspired portrait, we find a sweet young lass spreadin' em and giving us full lip-on-lip action that defies all physics and decency (click for a closer look). Even more shocking? You can find this pic on AOL Sports' site.

WHY WE STILL HATE THE SPURS

You have no idea how happy it makes us to be the No. 1 result on Google when people type in "I hate the Spurs."

We don't know what to say, folks. The Spurs have bitched and flopped their way to another Western Conference Finals and people are typing in "hate the Spurs" like crazy on the interweb.

You've come to the right place to sulk, as we figured it was our duty to give you 10 more reasons to hate the Spurs.

Drumroll, please:

10. Dealing with San Antone's thunder sticks for another round.

9. Cheap-shot Bob becoming the new Bruce Bowen.

8. Spurs fans, which by the tone of their cheering, appear to be 90% high school girls.

7. Tony Parker getting Reggie Miller to say "Cash money" last night.

6. That damn coyote. Moondog would kick your ass.

5. Peja Stojakovic. Wait, he's not on the Spurs? Could have fooled us...

4. Tim Duncan's jester tattoo. Tim, if a jester's job is to entertain, you are the anti-jester (and if someone leaves a post about how there's nothing more entertaining than good, hard-nosed basketball, I'm just going to snap).

3. Manu Ginobili bitching when other people flop. Yeah, CP3 pulled your favorite move. You should have been applauding him.

2. Tony Parker's personal red neck cheering section Shhhhing the Hornets fans.

1. They knocked Rick Flair out of the playoffs!!!! We feel like Jack Nicholson in Batman after losing his balloons.

TOP 10: REALESTS SPORTS TATTOOS

There's a lot of talk these days about the worst tattoos in sports.

We here at The Realests find it deeply disturbing that most of the tats mentioned are the ones we like the most. We decided to set the record straight with some thugs you love to hate.

Here is Part I of the 10 Realests Tattoos in sports. Stay tuned Wednesday for the conclusion:

10. LeBron James: "Chosen1"


I'm a huge LeBron homer. Bite me. This tattoo really fits in with LeBron's new trend of referring to himself in the third person. Are we the only ones hoping LeBron turns into the biggest prick ever, rips his teammates for sucking ass and tries to score 80 every game? In other words, turns into Ricky Davis.

9. Allen Iverson: "The Realist"


Did he really misspell Realest or just realize the throne was already taken? We'll never know. But it's the thought that counts and one thing's for sure: Iverson is real. This is the same guy that brought us "We talkin' bout practice, man!" and did time in the slammer during high school for smashing a chair over someone's head WWF-style in a bowling alley brawl (apologies for the water mark).

T-8. Vince Young & DeShawn Stevenson's Jersey Tattoo



This is a dead heat. Vince gets bonus points for adding the first initial to clarify him from the other guy with Young tattooed on his back; DeShawn gets props for getting an entire jersey tattoo, which he claimed he will do. I'm fighting a serious urge right now to go to the nearest parlor immediately and get "T. Realest" across my back.

7. David Clinger's Polynesian Face Mask


This is a desperate cry for attention - and we love it. After smoking peyote for six straight days, Clinger decided to get this "Polynesian face mask." Unsurprisingly, his sponsor asked him to get it removed. He tried, but then realized it would cost him $25,000. With an attitude that says, "Who cares? It's only cycling" he was fired. Unbelievable. This guy is like a real-life Hansel.

6. Jeremy Shockey's Bald Eagle


There's nothing more American than patriotic white trash. This 9-11 inspired tat is a complete abomination and the bald eagle looks like it's hitting on us. Somehow, it took 21 hours over 3 days to complete even though it looks like something a 5th grader drew. But what really makes this tattoo is Shockey's reason for picking it: "I didn't want something [that] 20 years later I'd be, Why did I get this?" Um, right.....

Clich here for Part II

STARBUCKS IN HOT WATER (WINK, WINK)

If you haven't heard, Starbucks is getting a lot of heat about its new mermaid logo, which has gone from this to this (above).

Yeah, that's pretty risque and all, but where's the controversy for its new slogan:

"Every cup, fresh out the coot."

Anyone?

BRIAN ELLERBE FOUND!

Dear Readers: You guys deserve Realest of the Week honors.

Of course, that's not going to happen; we're still holding out hope an athlete will do something incredibly stupid in the next three days.

But for every pop quiz we throw your way, you have answers. You tip us off when needed. And most importantly, you've just tracked down Brian Hersholt Ellerbe.

We gave you three months to find him; "RB" tracked him down in a week.

Behold:

Brian H. Ellerbe
VP of Corporate Development
Madison Grace Construction Services LLC.

Right off the top, what is with fired Michigan coaches ending up in land development? First Jim Boccher, now Brian Ellerbe. When Bill Martin fires each coach, does he hand them all a card and say "It's a guy I know in the biz. Give him a call - he's good people."?

Second, does anyone else picture Ellerbe with the same job as Fred Flintstone, working on the back of a dinosaur in a bedrock? OK, it's just us.

Third, Ellerbe's list of talents and job duties is especially laughable. They don't make any damn sense, and the first one is a flat-out lie:

• Charismatic leader and mentor
• Client and corporate development
• Community development and outreach
• Public, private and political cultivation/relations
• Human resource enhancement

Even George O'Leary has to cringe reading the first bullet.

Let's hope the slow economy doesn't hit Madison Grace too hard, because we can really picture this happening after looking over his job description:



Oh yeah, and now that we've found him, a pair of Pumps to the first reader to get a cell picture with him for the interwebs while in Vegas this summer.

WEEZY F., COREY LIDLE AND THE APOCALYPSE

A couple months ago we detailed DMX's interview with XXL: Dude refused to believe a candidate by the name Barack Obama was running for President.

Fast forward to the current issue of Blender.

Lil Wayne is asked who he'd vote for: Obama or Hillary. Weezy F. claims he's a Barack-backer, so props for just knowing who the guy is (not only that, he even realizes an "old white dude" is also running!).

But just when Wayne looked sane, it became obvious the codeine cough syrup has finally gone to his head:

"The world about to end in 2012 anyway. 'Cause the Mayans made calendars, and they stop at 2012.

I got encyclopedias on the bus. The world is gonna end as we know it.

You can see it already. A planet doesn't exist; There's no more Pluto. Planes are flying into buildings - not just the Twin Towers, but dudes who play baseball are flying planes into buildings."

We don't know about you, but we just tripled our monthly bottled water shipments.

No homo.

GILLISPIE STRIKES AGAIN: UK INKS FETUS

Move your fat ass over Big Baby, here comes The Fetus.

Less than two weeks after news broke that an 8th grader signed with Kentucky, the Wildcats have inked the fetus of a Lexington woman coach Billy Gillispie spotted while working the middle school circuit.

The 6-2, 320-pound woman who declined to be named said Gillispie approached her at halftime and said: "Ma'am, I want your bump on my block."

Said the woman: "There he was hitting on them middle school girls and the next thing I know, he's offering my baby a scholarship to UK!"

But there was a problem. Wanting the sex of her child to be a surprise, the woman recently declined learning this information at her latest sonogram.

But a talk with Billy Clyde changed her mind.

Said Gillispie: "Ma'am, with all due respect, you might have the next Dan Issle in there. And that rat bastard Bruce Pearl will be right behind me. The Bluegrass State is countin' on you, honey."

The two rushed to the University hospital, where it was confirmed to be a boy.

"As soon as I saw that penis, the scholarship was on the table."

Continued Gillispie, holding up the sonogram: "The body of Dan Issle and the head of Sam Cassell: It's the best of both worlds! I just hope I'm here to see him play."

UK issued a press release stating the scholarship offer came with a live foal guarantee, although the NCAA has said the unprecedented provision is under investigation.

"WHO YOU CALLIN' A BITCH?!?! YOU... BITCH"

Yeah, we said it.

Suge Knight's transformation from most feared gangster in the rap world to celebutard is now complete after he got pummeled outside an LA night club a couple nights back.

Don't worry Suge, you're in good company; Karma's also a bitch... guess it just takes about 15 years to kick in.

By the time you read this, we'll probably be hanging upside down off a balcony or gunned down on the Vegas Strip.

You know where to send your condolences: 45th St. and Blah Blah Ave.

- Real

REALEST OF THE WEEK

In case you missed it, there's a real moving story on David Garrard's journey to his recent 7-year, $60 million dollar contract in ESPN The Magazine.

And no one's happier for David (er, herself) than his wife, Mary.

Commenting on the disastrous end to his 2006 season, Mary had this to say about her man: "It would have been really hard for me to hitch my cart to a guy who ended the season like Dave did in 2006."

Gee, not exactly 'til death do us part material is it?

Even better: After his 32-yard, fourth down run against the Steelers in the playoffs to seal his mega-millions deal, Garrard called up his wife in very Jerry MaGuire-esque fashion.

But instead of telling her man how much she loved him or sobbing uncontrollably, Mary had just one thing to say:

"KA-CHING! KA-CHING! KA-CHING!..... YEAHHHHHH MOTHA F*CKA!!!"

OK, just the first part.

But you know what we call that here at The Realests? A Project Bitch. We should all be so lucky, David.

Cue the Ca$h Money Billionaires:

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS: BRIAN ELLERBE?

The first time we tried to hunt down a former Wolverine it didn't work out too well - Ernest Shazor is still AWOL.

But now The Realests are turning our attention to former UM basketball coach and fan favorite Brian Ellerbe.

With the venom fans speak of Ellerbe, you'd never know he was coaching under the dark cloud of the Ed Martin saga that destroyed more shit than the Smoke Monster. Or that then-AD Tom Goss was the even bigger boob, promoting a coach that had just been forced out at Loyola (MD) - Ugh.

Unsurprisingly, just one season removed from winning the 1st Big Ten Tournament title, Ellerbe drove UM hoops right off a cliff where it still remains.

Well we were quite surprised to find out Ellerbe left the coaching profession altogether (although who could blame the guy?) But even Quin Snyder has a head coaching gig, so surely B.E. could have caught on somewhere as an assistant.

Like always, Ellerbe took the road less traveled. Through multiple sources, we've discovered he has ended up in Las Vegas of all places.

What the hell he's doing out there is what we're counting on our readers to find out.

Like every other 20-something dudes, we're attempting to relive our college years over a summer weekend in Sin City during July. Assuming many of you have the same plans, we're calling all hands on deck to find Ellerbe while we're out there.

To help you out, we're even providing the Top 5 Places You're Most Likely To Find Coach B.

#5: Mandalay Bay Luggage Boy: OK, this was just too easy. Keep your game face on and eyes open because you'd only see him during your first hour there - the same time your head is spinning while you ponder two nights of drinking until 6 AM and pissing your money away.

#4: Terry Fator Stagehand: You think all those ventriloquist dolls take care of themselves??? Fator is no Danny Gans but you've got to start somewhere in Vegas.

#3: Cirque du Soleil Performer: If Ellerbe had the balls to move to Vegas, nothing else is really off-limits: Like him getting completely jacked and becoming one of these dudes below. Keep in mind, he might be hard to identify with all those crazy masks and shit...


#2: Tangerine Bouncer: Sticking with the Ellerbe Pulled a Carrot Top Theory, we can really see him taking out all his pent-up anger over the Jamal Crawford ordeal on some slick frat boys.

#1: Random Street Dude Passing Out Local "Strip Club" Flyers: We hope no Michigan Man could ever come to this, but we really can't rule anything out at this point.

Have a great trip everyone and happy hunting.

We'll report back to you on this at the end of August.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Lost in all the hubbub about Barry Zito being the worst free-agent signing ever is Seattle "slugger" Richie Sexson.

Making a cool mil more than Zito this year ($15.5M to $14.5M), Sexson is another pickup that set back a franchise 10 years - he's barely batted over the Mendoza Line the last two years.

Well it all came to a head last night after some high cheese from Kason Gabbard. Channeling his inner Manny Ramirez, Sexson not only charged the mound for zero reason, he also had the balls to chuck his helmet at a pitcher that's 5 inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter:



Obviously the color guy also gets an Honorable Mention for calling Sexson "a .200-hitting, formerly good player." Where was he schooled, The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too?

You're probably at home wondering to yourself, "Shouldn't he be the Fakest of the Week?"

That would be a mistake, friends.

Remember Rule #1 about The Realests: We embrace everything that is wrong in sports. And Rule #2, always blame someone else for your problems. So in this case, we'll look the other way about Sexson being a bitch.

Kudos Richie.

THIS COULD GET BIBLICAL, FOLKS

V.

You knew it wouldn't take long for Dana Jacobson to clap back.

But just a day after Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weis was caught on video saying "To hell with Michigan!", the ESPN First Take host and UM alum lost her shit again over the Irish - this time on national TV.

You could tell something was off during the first segment when she mumbled something about Don Killuminati and the 7 Day Theory, but nothing prepared viewers for what came off the first commercial break.

Said Jacobson:

"Now when I came out, I told you it was just about Touchdown Jesus. Then everybody had to open their mouth with a mother f*cking opinion!!!

Well this is how we gonna' do this: f*ck Charlie, f*ck Jimmy, f*ck Notre Dame as a staff, record label, and as a mother f*cking crew!!! And if you want to be down with Notre Dame, then f*ck you too!!!

Chino XL, f*ck you too!!! All you mother f*ckers, f*ck you too!!!"

Luckily ESPN was able to cut away before she got to the part about how her fo-fo will make sho' all Weis' kids don't grow.

Regardless, all hell has broken loose on this rivalry. Let's just hope it doesn't result in people getting gunned down. Then again, we can't really see this ending any other way at this point...

And just for the record, Chino XL just can't catch a break.

BUZZ BISSINGER'S HEAD JUST EXPLODED

During last week's tirade, Buzz Bissinger ruthlessly went at the site Kissing Suzy Kolber - granted, he couldn't get any of their names right.

Just a quick refresher: These are the same guys that blackmailed Peter King to stop writing about his family life in columns by threatening to post pictures of his daughter wasted (which they eventually did).

Talk about real. We haven't seen this kind of challenge to our throne since A.I. came at us a few years back.

Well let's hope he didn't check yesterday's post about Barbaro welcoming Eight Belles to Horse Heaven:

(OK, even we can't paste this. A blog has to have a code.)

Funny? Yes. Are these guys complete animals? Also yes.

RANDOM MONDAY POP QUIZ

The Roc Diamond Cutter.

Like everything else Jay-Z touches, it's timeless. Forget all these imposters: Tony Yayo, Soulja Boy, Young Joc (OK, we really enjoyed the Jim Jones' Ballin!!!! phase); they're all bullshit.

The Diamond is a minimum effort, maximum payoff in a way we haven't seen since the Omega hand sign days of the early 90s (sorry, no pics available - but surely you remember).

And yet the more we ask around, it's become painfully clear no one knows the origin of Jay's trademark move. Which leads to today's trivia question:

Q. What prompted Jay-Z to originally create the Roc Diamond Cutter?

Good luck, dunnies.

Oh yeah. By the way, it has nothing to do with Diamond Dallas Page.

(Editor's Note: What can we say? We thought our readership was dumber than a box of rocks, but you've proven us wrong time and time again.)

SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

What can we possibly add to this? Just that it was a huge cheap shot to compare Gary Coleman to a 5-year old. What a bitch.

HAPPY B-DAY, PREHISTORIC PRETORIUS!

We don't usually do birthdays here at The Realests.

But today is special.

That's because THE Ohio State University kicker Ryan Pretorius (pictured) turns 29 today.

You thought Chris Weinke was old? This is some Scott Bakula shit right here.

To give you an idea of just how ancient this guy is, here's a list of NFL Players now a year younger than said kicker:

- LaDainian Tomlinson
- Dwight Freeney
- Tony Romo
- Brian Westbrook
- Aaron Kampman

Old Man River's even been married already... and divorced. And apparently he's got this long, winded story about being a former pro rugby player that discovered football on the interwebs, blah, blah, blah.

Whatever.

Hes Tress: If there's a gentleman's agreement to not poach another team's recruits, we think there should also be one about not recruiting 25-year olds.

I mean what's stopping us from going out and signing Justin Gatlin (a mere 26) to be our spread-option QB this year?! He's got plenty of time on his hands over the next couple years and still has two seasons of NCAA eligibility left.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why don't we do that?

FAKEST OF THE WEEK

Like his whole career, Joe Smith was a huge disappointment for the Cavs last night - going 0-6 from the field and scoring one measly point.

Want some insight into why the No. 1 overall pick of the 1995 NBA Draft has been such a collosal bust? Check out this quote on his oh-so-tough adjustment after the trade from Chicago to Cleveland.

"I'm a big Subway and Starbucks guy... I had a routine: venti vanilla latte on the way to practice or shootaround, and a Cold Cut Trio on the way home from lunch. There is nothing like that here. I live five minutes from the arena, but I feel like I'm in the middle of nowhere."

That's great, Joe: You're biggest concern on gameday is whether or not you get your orange mocha frappuccino.

LeBron must be counting down the days to free agency on his wall like Andy Dufresne.