BASKETBALL'S ALL-WHITE TRASH TEAM

If you can't tell, we're really excited about the new NBA season.

While discussing the absurdity of Brad Miller's cornrows and Robert Swift's tattoos, it dawned upon us: There's a lot of white trash in basketball these days.

I mean you expect these guys in NASCAR, but guys looking like Miller and Swift competing with the best athletes in the world? It's mind boggling, actually.

We'd go so far as to say white trash are the new Euro trash.

Well the creative juices got flowing and we decided to assemble the finest white trash in hoops. We present to you The All-White Trash Team.

Note: As obvious by Patrick Sparks' First-Team selection, teams decided by their level of white trash, not play.

FIRST TEAM

PG: Jason Williams

Yeah, the guy's friends with Randy Moss. He's also a guy nicknamed White Chocolate from Charleston, West Virginia with "white boy" tattooed on his knuckles and a son named Jaxon. Not convinced? Take this exchange between Williams and a Golden State fan that happened to be Asian back in 2001: "I will shoot you Asian motherf******. Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that." Lovely.

SG: Patrick Sparks

When this guy showed up at UK, he was a real innovator with the Neo-Nazi look. Aside from a miraculous 3-pointer against Michigan State in the 2005 Elite Eight, Sparks will be remembered as one of the worst defenders in SEC history. He's currently playing for a club team named Giessen in Germany. Coincidence?

SF: Chris Andersen

Birdman!!!! A Realests favorite, Andersen's been a ghost since his suspension from the NBA in January of 2006 for a failed drug test, biding his time until reinstatement by perfecting his Slam Dunk Contest routine (a MUST see YouTube clip).

PF: Kevin Pittsnogle

Just when you thought you'd heard this guy's name for the last time, he pops up here. There's really no explanation needed for this infamous West Virginian. By the way, he's currently overseas in France.

C: Robert Swift

The 12th overall pick in the 2004 NBA Draft, Big Red's the only white dude taken straight out of high school (for a before picture, click here). Apparently he decided he needed some street cred once he got to the league because he has 15 tattoos at last count a year ago. And no, being half-Japanese doesn't get him off the hook as white trash. In two injury plagued seasons, he's averaged 5 points in 63 total games (by the way, he's currently hurt again). Those are Nikoloz Tskitishvili numbers! In case you were wondering, guys the Sonics passed up in the 2004 draft include Al Jefferson, Josh Smith and Kevin Martin. Oopsie.

SECOND TEAM

PG: The Professor (a.k.a. Grayson Boucher)

Sorry, dawg. We love The Professor as much as anyone else, but with that Dumb and Dumber haircut, he was a no-brainer.

SG: Mike Miller

Just another country boy when he hit it big with Florida, after 7 seasons in the NBA his style has become impregnable: A grimey goatee, a "Miller Time" tattoo over his heart and a girlie headband. Can someone explain to us how this guy is getting paid $8 million a year?

SF: Scot Pollard

We apologize profusely for never naming Pollard the Realest of the Week after looking into a camera last year and saying, "Hey kids, do drugs." Now a member of the rejuvenated Celtics, we're expecting Pollard to have an LSD flashback any day now on the bench.

PF: Brad Miller

Really worked hard in the preseason to make the team by clocking Devin Harris (granted, Harris is a notorious flopper) and wilin' out with some cornrows. Only 6 days until the first Swift-Miller showdown of the season. Get your bozacks ready.

C: Chris Kaman

We know, we know. We can't believe Chris Kaveman is a second teamer either. He took the news really hard when we broke it to him, especially after sporting this look. Swift just had too much upside. Maybe next year, Chris.

ETERNAL DL

SF: Adam Morrison

With all you guys have written in, what's left to ponder? We're going to put the over/under on his number of games left in the NBA at 30.

And yes, we are absolute buffoons for initially forgetting Morrison. We feel like Will Ferrell in the locker room of "Old School" after failing to jump through the hoop of fire.... IDIOT!!!!!

First-Ballot Hall of Famers:
Cherokee Parks
Larry Bird
Bryant "Big Country" Reeves

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We still have a hard time believing this picture isn't photoshoped or a look-alike, but it appears Jon Kitna dressed up for Halloween as the Lions assistant coach that got wasted, naked and drove to a Wendy's drive thru.

Humiliating a former teammate or coach scores very, very highly at The Realests and we've got to admit, Kitna is the last person we expected this from after the Minnesota Miracle talk.

Touche, Jon.

(As always, Drew Sharp is here to ruin the fun again...)

BRAD MILLER: AMERICAN BADASS

What's gotten into Brad Miller?

The last we checked, dude was a hick from Purdue that's fortunate he's not getting fed through a tube right now.

Apparently he's heard one too many white oaf jokes and decided to go Robert Swift on us.

Now the guy is clocking Devin Harris in preseason games and sporting this new look. We like to call it Magnum:



Between Ron Artest, the new Thug Life Brad Miller and losing 50 games, Reggie Theus is going to have his hands full this year...

NBA 2007-08 REALESTS PREDICTIONS

You have no idea how pumped we are for tomorrow night. As NBA super fans, we seriously doubt anyone appreciates 5 hard-fought minutes of basketball a night more than The Realests.

Forget what the so-called experts have predicted about this upcoming NBA season - it's time for we break down the 2007-08 season like woah:

WEEZY F. BABY'S PICKS

Eastern Conference Playoff Seeds:

1) Boston Celtics
I hate Boston, but KG is gonna tear through the East

2) Chicago Bulls
After thumping Heat in playoffs, time to take next step

3) Washington Wizards
Can't have the playoffs without some hibachi

4) Detroit Pistons
The Pistons will just keep slipping a little bit until they decide to blow this thing up

5) Cleveland Cavaliers
No Pavlovic, no Varejao and Hughes will miss half the season with a boo-boo on his finger again

6) New Jersey Nets
The Michigan football of the league - middle of the pack, same as always

7) Miami Heat
Will make the playoffs solely on Dwyane Wade's greatness

8) Orlando Magic
Dwight Howard is about to take over the title of Best Big in the league

Eastern Conference Finals: Chicago Bulls over Boston Celtics

Western Conference Playoff Seeds:

1) Dallas Mavericks
Great at winning when it doesn't count... Eddie Jones should put the Mavs over the top this year - yeah right

2) Phoenix Suns:
... So should Grant Hill (note dripping sarcasm)

3) Utah Jazz
Is the Northwest Division (DEN, MIN, POR, SEA, UTAH) the new Atlantic Division?

4) San Antonio Spurs
Wake this team up in June, but Bowen can't wait to kick Wally in the face

5) Houston Rockets
Yaosers, it's time to play more than 50 games in a season!

6) Golden State Warriors
If they deal for Artest, immediately move to #2

7) Denver Nuggets
Too many headcases - I forsee a massive implosion and a huge feud between AI and George Karl

8) L.A. Lakers
Wonder if Zen Master knows how to say "early exit" in Mandarin by now...

Western Conference Finals: San Antonio Spurs over Dallas Mavericks

NBA Finals: San Antonio Spurs over Chicago Bulls

MVP: The King!
Everyone else on this team should be in the D League

Coach of the Year: Reggie Theus
We've all seen what he can do...

Breakout Player: Julie Conner
A more athletic J.J. Redick, she's going to spread zone defenses with that 3-ball

Most Overrated Player: Allen Iverson (Runner-up: Paul Pierce)
Notice how the 76ers got better w/o him?

Rookie of the Year After Durant: Acie Law IV (Runner-up: Courtney Sims)
Law & Joe Johnson are a solid start for our 2015 purchase of the Hawks (Sims is signed!)

Biggest Rookie Bust: Brandan Wright
Unless he learns how to fly with those ears... then all bets are off

Knicks Record: 40-42
Isiah will never coach a winning team - never!!!!!!!!

T'Wolves Record: 17-65
Will squeak by worst record ever (9-73) after playoff seeds are locked in

Kobe's Destination: L.A. Lakers

V. DOT'S PICKS

Eastern Conference Playoff Seeds:

1) Chicago Bulls
Baby Bulls are all growns up

2) Boston Celtics
Big 3 is all it takes to get the 2 seed in the East

3) Washington Wizards
Agent Zero back with a vengeance this year

4) Detroit Pistons
Shades of 2004... Be afraid, be very afraid

5) Cleveland Cavaliers
Biggest let down of the season

6) Miami Heat
Ricky D works his magic

7) New Jersey Nets
Loss of Mikki Moore will take a while to heal

8) Orlando Magic
A max contract on Rashard still gives you an 8 seed

Eastern Conference Finals: Detroit Pistons over Boston Celtics

Western Conference Playoff Seeds: (with accompanying rhyme time)

1) Phoenix Suns
1st seed - Nash's nose bleed

2) Dallas Mavericks
Mental headcases; hide the shoelaces

3) Utah Jazz
Deron; not quite LeBron

4) San Antonio Spurs
Popovich? What a bitch!

5) Houston Rockets
Rick Adelman? I'm no fan!

6) Golden State Warriors
Hello fellas, this is Monta Ellis...

7) Denver Nuggets
The altitude is high, good for AI

8) L.A. Lakers
Bynum time-um

Western Conference Finals: San Antonio Spurs over Dallas Mavericks

NBA Finals: Detroit Pistons over San Antonio Spurs

MVP: LeBron James
He's a jerk, but very good at basketball; he might be on the juice

Coach of the Year: Doc Rivers
He's a doctor in coachology!

Breakout Player: Jason Maxiell
Time to shine with playing time!

Most Overrated Player: Luis Scola
Heard waaaaaaaay too much about him already

Rookie of the Year After Durant: Kevin Durant
He's that good

Biggest Rookie Bust: Greg Oden
0 games played

Knicks Record: 25-57
What a disaster

T'Wolves Record: 1-81
YOU NEVER TRADE AWAY RICKY D!

Kobe's Destination: Miami Heat

WHATCHOO TALKIN 'BOUT QADRY?

It's quite possible that I have suffered a complete meltdown after watching the 52-7 thrashing of the Redskins and am no longer capable of a cohesive thought, but I think I just witnessed a YouTube sensation in the making on ESPNEWS.

Here is Qadry Ismail explaining why the Patriots didn't pull their starters sooner in Sunday's blowout win. Believe it or not, this is a word-for-word transcript:

Mike Hill: So they’re trying to make a statement before the statement of next week. Is that what you’re trying to say?

The Missle: They could be stating the statement about the statement of having an understated game. So to avoid the understated game they will make a statement type game on a stage where statements are needed to be made.

Mike Hill: Man, what state are you from? What are you saying, now? What are you talking ‘bout?

Wow. We'll take a clip of that any day over 15 laterals.

Let's just stick to the script, shall we Qadry?

MANNINGHAM BUSTED FOR A DWB

This has to be the oddest football-player-arrested story I've seen as a Michigan Man (what am I talking about?!?! How could I disrespect Larry Harrison like that???). You gotta love Mario Manningham's grandfather.

Does this read like a Jeopardy story to anyone else? The only thing missing is the attorney saying that Manningham will plead out to a misdemeanor of Driving While Black and Lloyd Carr quoting Harry Truman on the matter.

YOU TELL 'EM LANCE

Lance Bass in today's New York Daily News about his "feud" with 50 Cent to sell more books:

"50, I don't want to playa-hate, but there's a lot that my book has. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any relationships with guys in that book. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any space training, either."

Uh, yeah.... You really got him there, Lance.

HOW DESPERATE ARE THE MIAMI HEAT?

We are officially jacked up for the NBA season.

Already giddy after reading a rival GM state in Sports Illustrated yesterday that he expects Ricky to be in "full get-mine mode" this season, Ricky D is headed to South Beach.

With Kevin McHale's dream of fielding the worst NBA team in league history incomplete, as you know he dealt Ricky Buckets and Blount Dog to the Miami Heat for Cybertoine and other pieces of junk.

If we know Ricky, there will be no shortage of drama this season in South Beach.

With a Heat jersey already on the way to New York, we put together the official Ricky Davis over/under line for the number of games it will take him to do a variety of crazy shit.

100: Smash Shaq's big toe with a hammer. He won't be around that long, but don't ever underestimate Ricky Davis.

75: Punch Dwyane Wade in the face. Expect all hell to break loose toward the end of the season and Rick was immediately shipped out of Cleveland after allegedly cussing out LeBron.

25: Force Pat Riley into "leave of absence" (a.k.a. retirement). A bad knee and hip forced him out in 31 last year... Ricky could do that in his sleep.

15: Caught in an orgy doing rounds of coke with his new best friends Jason Williams and The Playmaker. Man, Ricky is going to love Miami.

12: Responds to lecture by Riley with, "Fuck that shit, bitch!"

10: Pull a page out of Richard Jefferson's book, gang up on Zo with Jason Williams and call Zo a "whiny ass bitch" over his kidney.

OFF: Shoot on his own hoop. Let's not forget Ricky's still looking for Ricky's first triple-double, baby!

Can't wait another week to see Ricky Buckets in action? Neither can we:

NORTHWESTERN: DISGRACE OF NCAA HOOPS

Congratulations to Mr. Marbury and TacoBellManager, who correctly answered that NORTHWESTERN is the only BCS school never to make the Big Dance.

Although if you just looked it up on Wikipedia, are props really deserved? I guess not.

For a full (albeit outdated) list of schools waiting for their first bid, click here.

Anyway, the fact this isn't up there with "The Buccaneers have never returned a kick return for a TD" is inexcusable. It should be announced before every home game as self-flatulence (yeah, we said it, self-flatulence... not to be confused with self-flagellation... I mean, that'd just be stupid) until they qualify.

This is beyond pathetic. Michigan basketball is pathetic. This is altogether impotent.

TacoBellManager was also correct about Holy Cross. They won the whole thing in 1947. Kind of crazy to think we have as many b-ball titles as Holy Cross.

COLLEGE HOOPS POP QUIZ

With Minnesota on the docket this weekend, The Realests are starting to get hyped about college basketball season, aside the fact Michigan might not even make the NIT this year (heaven forbid!) By the way, Bill Martin doesn't get nearly enough shit for hiring a coach straight off winning an NIT title - Beilen's a great coach, but come on, that's funny.

We gotta admit, a big piece of us is going to miss Tommy Amaker (gotta love this picture: Put that bozack away T.A.!)

Anyway, we decided we'd drop some knowledge on you fools with the most eye-opening trivia since our Super Bowl QBs/Presidents brainbuster.

Q: Which is the only BCS school NEVER to qualify for the NCAA Tournament?

BONUS QUESTION

Q: What is the furthest a Patriot League team has even gone in the Big Dance?

Update:

#1: USF is a great guess since they just joined the Big East and haven't had a program very long - but it's incorrect (they've gone twice by the way).

#2: Bucknell is not correct either - granted, this is kind of a trick question...

#3: Michigan is not the answer. Guys, we are way too stupid to think of that kind of flip.

#4: Winning the Fiesta Bowl didn't make Boise a BCS school. BCS Conferences are the ACC, Big 12, Big East, Big 10, Pac-10 and SEC. This team is in one of those conferences.

DON'T PASS OUT THESE FOAM THINGIES

I'm sure we're way late to the party on this one, but THIS just boggled the mind. His wife and kids must be proud.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Update: Apparently, the No Fun League has pulled the clip. Sorry folks.

For anyone that saw yesterday's Vikings-Cowboys game, this can't be a surprise, people.

We hadn't seen anything this real since Ricky Davis blew a dunk, only to get the ball back and do a windmill with the Celtics a couple years back.

That is until yesterday.

In case you missed it: the Vikings' Ben Leber scooped up a fumble, lateraled the it to teammate Cedric Griffin in a very pirate-like fashion. Griffin then... well, that's what YouTube is for:



The point: Anyone that breaks out a Deion Sanders dance into the end zone 2 seconds after making a complete ass of himself is OK in our book (gotta love the random reggaetone in the clip).

Oh yeah, this doesn't hurt either.

BET ON KENTUCKY? DON'T JUMP!

You know that commercial where the dad is running along the sidewalk, when suddenly he breaks down crying and The Voice comes on to say, “Don’t Gamble Your Life Away”?

Well did anyone else think of that commercial after watching the conclusion of yesterday’s Kentucky-Florida game, in which Kentucky scored a TD at the gun but didn't kick the extra point?

Final score: Florida 45, Kentucky 37.

Line: Kentucky +7.

Yoinks.

Well due to some outstanding report from the L.A. Times’ Peter Yoon, we know the reaction:

A new, but obscure college football rule caused some confusion and uproar in Las Vegas on Saturday after Florida defeated Kentucky, 45-37, barely covering the seven-point spread.

Kentucky scored a touchdown on the game's final play, yet rather than attempt an extra point, the Wildcats, following an NCAA rule put in play last season, walked off the field while the Gators celebrated.

The rule states that "if a touchdown is scored during a down in which time in the fourth period expires, the try shall not be attempted unless the point(s) would affect the outcome of the game."

Las Vegas Hilton sports book director Jay Kornegay said Kentucky backers thought they were going to get a push, and Florida supporters started to deflate.

"That all quickly changed when the crowd began to realize the rule," Kornegay told the Associated Press.

"The reversal of fortune happened within just a few seconds. It was priceless."

We're glad the guy running the sports book takes comfort in situations that could lead to multiple suicides. Only in Vegas.

As the leading conspiracy theorists in sports (says who? we do, that's who...), we'd like to point out that Urban Cryer sprinted across the field as soon as Kentucky scored, confusing Old Man River Rich Brooks and eventually resulting in the 8-point lead. Coincidence, or is Meyer the new Pete Rose?

WHAT'S REALLY HOOD, FAM??

You know you jerks have done the same thing. Don't think for one second that you look cooler than these bozos, either. You look worse.

THE COACHING CAROUSEL FROM HELL

You guys know how it works: A college coach leaves for a better job (in this case the NFL), causing a chain reaction of coaching changes with guys clawing and scratching their way to more prestigious jobs.

Well we challenge anyone to find a more disastrous coaching carousel set off when Bobby Petrino left for the Atlanta Falcons. Behold:

Atlanta Falcons: Right off the bat, let's admit the power-hungry Petrino never had a chance this year after the Michael Vick saga unfolded. But the nightmare in Atlanta just started once Vick pleaded guilty to dog fighting charges. After going a respectable 7-9 last year, the Falcons are 1-5 and have averaged 13 points per game.

Louisville Cardinals: Despite this disastrous start, the folks in Louisville sure miss Bobby P. They've been stuck with Steve "Krapthorpe," who has no excuses for his team's play. He's run Louisville into the ground with a team that was supposed to compete for a national title, led by the possible #1 overall pick in the 2008 NFL Draft. Yeah, they were probably way overrated to begin with, but losing to Syracuse, Utah and Connecticut is ridiculous, the last of which was a complete meltdown.

But those two you already know about.

Tulsa Golden Hurricane: What you didn't know is that Kragthorpe's successor at Tulsa isn't faring much better. After turning around one of the most pathetic programs in college football at Rice, Todd Graham doesn't look like a genius anymore. At just 4-3, the Golden Hurricane got rocked by UCF yesterday, 44-23, coming off a loss to UTEP and squeaking out a victory over Marshall.

Rice Owls: Meanwhile, Rice is busy being.... well, Rice. While Rutgers got all the attention, Rice had a Cinderella season of its own, going to its first bowl game since 1961. Despite returning the dynamic duo (did I really just say that?) of QB Chase Clement and WR Jarrett Dillard, the Owls and new coach David Bailiff are 1-6 after stumbling out of the blocks with a Michiganesque loss to Division I-AA Nicholls State.

Texas State: Just for fun, we decided to track Bailiff's old school, which are really starting to resemble the team from Unnecessary Roughness right now (seriously, we'll take Scott Bakula at QB any day over this guy). The Bobcats just picked up their second win of the season after 5 straight losses by an average of 25 points (Note: Their coach - Brad Wright - used to be the team's offensive line coach, which we'll just go out on a limb and say sucks right now as well).

Seriously, can't these guys just get on one big conference call with Arthur Blank and the schools ADs and work out an agreement where everyone goes back to their old job before they are fired? Sure, it'd leave the Falcons without a football coach for the last 10 games, but would their fans even notice?

Very doubtful...

GREATEST SPORTSCENTER COMMERCIAL?

Two things are apparent from the latest "This is SportsCenter" commercial:

#1: It's right up there as the greatest of all-time with this, this, this, this (Gotta give a shout-out to the Daily alum, and for inspiring two parts in the Zoolander walk-off scene - found at and 1:00 and 1:40) and the Western Kentucky Hilltopper filing tapes in the basement (how is that not on YouTube?!).

#2: Jim Kelly needs to lay off the cheeseburgers!

It's criminal that you can't even find Xavier's Blue Bob on the Internet - he's clearly a comedic genius:

THE RESURRECTION OF TONY ALMEIDA

We bet you thought Tony Almeida was dead, didn't you?

Didn't you? Didn't you?! DIDN'T YOU?!??!?!?!?!?!??!

Alas, the writers of "24" have either completely lost it or got their swag back by bringing T.A. back from the dead. From executive producer Howard Gordon:

"Tony's uncertain fate near the end of 'Day 5' left the door open for his return. And since there was no silent clock at the conclusion of his last appearance the 24 tribute to a major character's demise, we always kept this as a possibility."

(No word on whether the beloved cougar from Season 2 will return as well.)

Hmm, we wouldn't call getting stabbed in the heart with a syringe and being ruled dead for an entire season very ambiguous. But at this point Tony coming back from the dead is the least of 24's plausibility concerns. Another strong indication that Gordon has turned to acid to get the creative juices flowing again is this disturbing quote confirming Michelle Dessler's death:

"No, she's definitely six feet under. Believe me, I know. We thought about that, too. Then we thought that everybody's dead except for Jack, and he's seeing ghosts."

The reverse Sixth Sense? Let's just stick with what works: Jack screaming and torturing people!

YOU CALL THIS A JINX??

You overreactionary blowhards have really done it this time.

Vince Young strains a quad and you think that the Madden Jinx has gotten to him?

Give us a break. This is nowhere near the power of the curse.

He strained his quad!!!! That's it!! That's a lightweight injury! Madden doesn't even get out of bed for a strained quad - give him his due when someone breaks a leg or goes to jail or retires unexpectedly. But don't put this weak crap on him.

You poor saps have really doomed the next coverboy for the game. Because you know Madden is pissed off that THIS is the best you think he can do.

Don't be surprised if Devin Hester's foot falls off because of gangrene by Week 10 of next season....

TRICK OR...POW!!!

I'm reconsidering dressing up for Halloween this year...

BRANDON LLOYD IS PURE EVIL

Courtesy of the DC Sports Bog, Brandon Lloyd has somehow found a way to become a bigger cancer for the Redskins: randomly "outing" Troy Aikman - or at least trying to. Stay classy, Brandon.

Between cussing out his WR coach, blowing off Al Saunders, tossing his helmet during games and admitting to dogging it on plays, I'd go so far as saying this guy's a bigger distraction than Michael Westbrook, which is pretty hard to accomplish considering Westbrook pummeled Stephen Davis in training camp.

Expect a Top 10 Biggest Cancers in Sports list very soon. He's another guy you can expect to see.