FOR ONCE, DON'T BLAME THE NINERS

As a rule, we 100% condone kicking someone while they are down. But we're making an exception for the 49ers of all things.

The entire nation has turned on San Fran. after they gift-wrapped the 7th overall pick in the 2008 Draft for the Pats and gave them the pick that eventually landed Randy Moss from Oakland. But let's look over this sequence of events, and determine the real idiots here, broheims:



Trade #1 (9.12.2006)

Seahawks Get:
- WR Deion Branch

Patriots Get:
- 2007 first round pick (#24 overall: S Brandon Meriweather)

Trade #2 (4.28.2007)

49ers Get:
- #28 pick in 2007 Draft (OT Joe Staley)

Patriots Get:
- 2008 first round pick in 2008 Draft (#7 overall)
- #110 overall pick in 2007 Draft

Trade #3 (4.29.2007)

Raiders Get:
- #110 overall pick in 2007 Draft (CB John Bowie)

Patriots Get:
- WR Randy Moss

Now giving up the #7 pick makes them look bad, but the Niners appear to have a franchise tackle in Joe Staley, which is certainly worthy of a 7-Spot in any draft. The Seahawks and Raiders however? Not so much.

Getting Seattle's first rounder last year gave New England the flexibility to make the 49ers trade that they otherwise probably couldn't have. Since getting traded to Seattle, Branch's numbers have been average - the guy was supplanted by Bobby F. Engram as the Seahawks' go-to guy - and now he is out at least 9 months after blowing out his ACL. Did we mention he's making as much as Reggie Wayne?

As for John Bowie, do you really want to know? 1 tackle. Yep, 1. Keep up the good work, Al.

BLAST FROM THE PAST

Unlike our last quiz, this can be immediately looked up on Wikipedia (actually, even it is missing one of the players). So if you want to know the answer, just do that. But don't ruin the Festivus for the rest of us.

Today's quiz question:

How many players from Tecmo Super Bowl are still in the NFL? Name them. (Hint: 2 of them are in the Super Bowl.)

Let's hope we get a little more interaction than last time, people.

And if you're really, really bored today, watch this video in a loop (Note: The Realests are not responsible for epileptic seizures that result).

(Update: Maceo Baston has correctly identified the two Super Bowl players in the comments section. Pretty sad Baston is a part of our "glory days," isn't it?

Butt has nailed player No. 3. Two players left, who will step up to the challenge?)

PREPARE FOR TAKEOFF

The Birdman is on the verge of reinstatement by the NBA! This isn't just big for The Birdman or The Realests, it's for white people trying to act black everywhere.

David Stern: We're begging you to let him wreck fools in the upcoming Slam Dunk Contest:



Cah caw!!!!!!

CHECKING IN WITH: AL MONTOYA

When Al Montoya was picked 6th overall in the 2004 NHL Draft by the New York Rangers, he probably envisioned 2008 as a lot of nights in the Marquee VIP, hanging out with Victoria's Secret models and popping quaaludes with Lindsay Lohan.

Well it hasn't quite worked out that way.

Former 7th-round pick Henrick Lundqvist is now the King of New York and at just 25-years old, should be holding down court at MSG for another 15 years.

Meanwhile Al is stuck in Hartford, CT playing for the "Wolf Pack" and struggling through back injuries this season.

The Realests don't have a whole lot of sympathy for Al; the guy set a new standard for slapdicking it on the ice while at Michigan. No joke, when Red heard Al was bolting for the NHL, Berenson supposedly called him a "p****" - several Daily staffers can attest to that.

Can you say "Drew Henson," anyone?

Actually, Montoya did make the AHL All-Star game last season and should be Lundqvist's backup next year, then land his own starting gig somewhere else by 2010. Hang in there, Al.

REPORT: REDSKINS INTERVIEW TOM CRUISE

After Redskins fans heard the names of Jim Fassel and Steve Mariucci thrown around the last couple days, impending doom seemed inevitable for a once-proud franchise.

Sadly, D.C. residents wouldn't be surprised to hear names like Rich Kotite and Bruce Coslet up for consideration at this point.

But no one could have foreseen this.

We have it on good authority that Daniel Snyder just got through interviewing good friend and business partner Tom Cruise for the Redskins opening.

Apparently, Snyder was "blown away" by the interview and after seeing exclusive video of the one-on-one, we have to admit, so are we!



Cruise never actually talks about the Redskins, per se, but you have to like his big picture outlook on things. We're predicting a return to glory in the immediate future - Hail to the Redskins!

BRING ON SPARTY

Call us crazy, but we like our chances tomorrow at State. Maybe it has something to do with Brent Petway melting our brains:



Go Blue.

WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN...

It hasn't even started, and the Super Bowl is already a letdown.

Why's that?

Well if you recall, the Glendale stadium where it's going to be played was almost (we're using this very leniantly) named Pink Taco Stadium (if you haven't eaten there at the Hard Rock in Vegas, two very enthusiastic thumbs up from The Realests)

Just imagine the comedy:

- The endless jokes about the first game inside a pink taco

- Bill Simmons revolving his entire week around it

- Joe Buck joking, "Who needs the Lingerie Bowl when you've got a giant Pink Taco right here?"

- Troy Aikman trying to convince 100 million people that he, in fact, LOVES Pink Taco and will eat one on the air if he has to prove it!

What are we left with instead? University of Phoenix Stadium. Where's the fun in that?

Leave it to the Arizona Cardinals to ruin the Super Bowl...

DANA JACOBSON: A MICHIGAN WOMAN

File this under "When Being Real Goes Wrong."

The interwebs (ugh, we can't stand when people use that word!) are crawling with word that ESPN anchor and UM alum Dana Jacobson has been suspended for reportedly screaming "F--- Notre Dame!" "F--- Touchdown Jesus!" and just plain ole' "F--- Jesus!" (Update: this last part is now being strongly denied by those in attendance).

We really picture this like the "Kill Whitey!!!!" moment in Black Sheep when Chris Farley goes ape shit and the crowd reaction goes from A) Raucous applause to B) Awkward laughter to C) Dead silence, in a matter of 10 seconds.

Don't worry Dana, I'm sure this won't haunt you for the rest of your life...

BRADY WEARS BOOT, CASSEL CRAPS PANTS

As you've already heard (and if you haven't, it will be beaten until your skull for the next 2 weeks straight), Tom Brady was seen walking around New York City in a walking cast.

Well in another scary sighting for Patriot fans, backup Matt Cassel was just reportedly seen around Boston buying a box of "Oops! I Crapped My Pants" from a local Walgreens.

Can't blame the guy. He hasn't started a game since 1999 at Chatsworth High in California. Granted he was backing up Carson Palmer and Matt Leinart, but Cassel got the Andy Mignery treatment and was playing TE for a time! That can't be good.

Don't fret Pats fans, the layoff didn't hurt Todd Collins! And he does have big-game experience, having played in the 1994 Little League World Series.

We're sure the Super Bowl will be a walk in the park compared to that.

TOM COUGHLIN CAN'T FEEL HIS FACE

You gotta feel for Tom Coughlin right now. This guy's been through it all.

Run out of Jacksonville in 2002 after leading the Jags to 2 AFC Championship Games, he's been on the hot seat since Day 1 with the Giants. After last year's collapse, the entire city mutinied on him and Tiki blamed Terrible Tom for his retirement. He was even listed on this blog just months ago as the 9th worst coach in football, right behind Karl Dorrell. In fact, if the Giants had lost to Tampa two weeks ago, his ass would probably be grass right now.

And now this.

In case you were left wondering, "Gee, I hope Tom Coughlin's face is OK..." after he endured blistering frostbite on his face during yesterday's win over the Packers, well... it's not.

Coughlin showed up at his Monday presser like this:


Luckily, Coughlin said he has been in touch with Jerry Jones' and Meg Ryan's face surgeons and has planned for an emergency operation the day after the Super Bowl. Saying he didn't want to be a distraction, Coughlin abruptly ended the news conference without taking questions and walked off stage doing the Tony Yayo "I Can't Feel My Face" move.

Needless to say, this goes beyond football and our thoughts are with Coughlin, his family and his face at this time.

POP QUIZ ANSWERS

You know, we try and do something fun, something a little interactive with our readers and what happens? We got one response.

SO SORRY TO INTERRRRRUPT!!!!!!!! We're slaving away here like grease monkeys on the blog and you can't find time in your busy schedules to post a guess?

The hell with it.

Here are your answers, you bums:

Q#1: How many NCAA Division I-A ("Football Bowl Subdivision" - whatever you want to call it) teams do not have the word "University" in their full title? Name them.

A#1: 5

- Army
- Navy
- Air Force
- Boston College
- Georgia Tech

The flip of all flips is that, like their nickname and mascot, Virginia Tech's name makes no sense. Virginia Tech is actually "Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University." Ken, where were you on that one?

Q#2: How many college basketball teams are currently in Division I?

A#2: 341

IS THIS GAY?

We don't want to sound like homophobes, but come on. This is pretty gay. From today's Columbus Dispatch:

"In the moments after Ohio State lost to Louisiana State in the national championship game, a number of OSU juniors who were considering leaving school a year early found themselves in the locker room shower together.

Then and there, while James Laurinitis gave Alex Boone a Rusty Trombone and Marcus Freeman dished out a Hot Carl to Malcolm Jenkins, they decided as a group to return."

Or at least that's the version we read. Disturbing, disturbing imagery...

POP QUIZ ASSHOLES

Why do I get the feeling no one got my Cliffhanger reference?

Oh forget it.

We've just come across the best bit of trivia since our schools with Super Bowl QBs & Presidents question that everyone and their mom ended up jacking.

We're not even sure Myles Brand himself could get this one (Myles, stop dressing like a 13th century King of England!):

How many NCAA Division I-A ("Football Bowl Subdivision" - whatever you want to call it) teams do not have the word "University" in their full title? Name them.

And if you figure that out, take a bite of this shit sandwich:

How many college basketball teams are currently in Division I?

Editor's Note #1: Oops Pow Surprise is on the right track with #1, but incorrect. #2 is also incorrect. Any other takers?

TERRELLE PRYOR'S MICHIGAN ITINERARY

Ann Arbor is going to be a mad house tomorrow.

We already hear there's a party on Greenwood in Terrelle Pryor's honor, and there will undoubtedly be endless banners at the frats welcoming him to town.

But wait till you get a load of this:

Don't ask us how we got our hands on it, but The Realests have obtained the Athletic Department's official Friday itinerary for Pryor's recruiting trip this weekend.

As you can see, Rich Rodriguez is pulling out all the stops for the nation's #1 recruit:

TERRELLE PRYOR ITINERARY: FRIDAY (1.18.08)
*************For internal use only*****************

8:00-8:15 AM: Schembechler Hall

Terrelle arrives!!! Meet and greet with Coach Rod, newly revamped Team Blue imported from State

8:15-10:00 AM: Coach Rod's Office

Shred files of entire 2006-07 Michigan team, starting with Ryan Mallett

10:00-11:00 AM: Lloyd Carr's Office

Trash the place, take turns pissing on Lloyd's desk

11:00 AM-Noon: Deja Vu

Brunch buffet at Coach Rod's new favorite spot:



12:00-2:00 PM: Campus

Tour of campus with Team Blue's newest member, AleXXXis

Note: Make sure she remembers stop at Grad Library

2:00-3:00 PM: South Quad

Private tour of dorms by the twins, Cindy and Mindy

3:00 PM: Michigan Union

Surprise visit by Noel Devine, who announces his plans to transfer to UM!!!

3:00-3:15 PM: Michigan Union

Pryor babysits Devine's kids while #7 hits the Union bathroom with Cindy & Mindy

3:15-4:00 PM: State Street Barbershop

Haircut with Rita Rodriguez with conversation to revolve around hilarity of Tyler Perry

Note: Extend open invitation for Pryor to bang Rita

4:00-4:30 PM: CCRB

"Introduction to Cliches" with Bruce Madej, pass out "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards courtesy of Coach Rod's lawyer, Sean McGinley

4:30-5:00 PM: Coach Rod's House

Tour of Coach Rod's new diggs:

5:00-6:00 PM: West Quad

"Taco" Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:00-7:00 PM: Schembechler Hall

More shredding.... there's still 125 years of history to go!

7:00-8:45 PM: Yost

VIP seating for Notre Dame hockey game with Bill Martin

Note: Remind security not to be alarmed by minority in attendance

8:45-9:00 PM: Yost Student Section

Bill Martin teaches Pryor "See Ya!" chant, adds: "You know who's a real c*ck sucker? That Jim Tressel."



9:00-9:05 PM: Campus Corner

Meet the guys, pick up booze, then porn, porn, and more porn

9:05-9:15 PM: Volleyball Frat

Meet up with Donovan Warren, show Pryor the place is dead, make him vow never to go back

9:15-9:30 PM: BETA House

Tell guy at front door you know "C.J.", steal sluttiest white chicks there, leave

9:30-9:35 PM: Phi Psi

Burn the bitch down

9:35-10:00 PM: Greenwood St.

Make cameo at own party, have Warren explain meaning of "Michigan hot"

10:00-10:45 PM: Delta Delta Delta

Panty raid with newly reinstated d-lineman Larry Harrison!

10:45-11:00 PM: Scorekeepers

Pick up fake IDs for all lower 48 states

11:00 AM-Midnight: Rick's Jewish American Cafe VIP

Meet and greet with Rick himself

Midnight: Rick's Jewish American Cafe Bathroom

Take turns snorting coke off asses of Cindy and Mindy

Midnight-1:00 AM: Rick's Jewish American Cafe

Celebrate with hockey team and puck sluts, win or lose

Note: Make sure Kevin Porter tells Pryor his second cousin's good friend is black

1:00-2:00 AM: Rick's Jewish American Cafe Dance Floor

Make it rain with budget for women's tennis team

2:00-2:50 AM: Pizza House

Meet up with former UM legend Larry Foote for pizza sticks and chipatas, then pound fools

2:50-2:55 AM: Diag

Regroup with AleXXXis, Cindy and Mindy, plus any additional groupies picked up

2:55-3:00 AM

Surprise delivery of 10 boxes full of pizza courtesy of Hello Faz... and by pizza we mean $100 bills

3:00 AM: Campus Inn

Lights out!!!!

MICHIGAN BASKETBALL DREAM TEAM

It's easy to talk about all the great basketball recruits we let get away while Tommy Amaker was the sheriff in town.

But it's pretty futile to bitch about blue-chippers like Chris Douglas-Roberts, Ramar Smith, Joe Crawford and Malik Hairston getting away when guys like Worldwide Wes are involved in the decision-making process. That would be the Michigan Wet Dream Team.

What really puts Tommy Amaker's time in Ann Arbor in perspective is all the Michigan players we completely ignored that are blowing up in college. While Michigan has just 4 upperclassmen that combine to average 14.0 PPG, studs from The Hand are flying completely under the radar.

We present the Michigan Hoops Dream Team:

Tajuan Porter

Position: G
Hometown: Detroit
School: Oregon
Year: So.
Stats: 13.2 PPG, 2.7 APG
Skinny: The 5-6 little man is a shoot first, ask questions last kind of point guard and he's hit a dry spell of late, but boy can he fill it up. Hairston's teammate at Renaissance High, Porter averaged 31 PPG over his first three games as a frosh last year. Oops Amaker! In a win over Nebraska in December, TP hit 7 treys and scored 29 points to lift the Ducks.

David Holston

Position: G
Hometown: Pontiac
School: Chicago State
Year: Jr.
Stats: 23.4 PPG, 4.6 APG
Skinny: We know, we know. The guy plays for Chicago State, which doesn't even belong to a conference. And he's 5-8, which would make our backcourt like the Lollilop Guild. But he's also the 10th leader scorer in Division I and sure looked legit when he put up 25 on Indiana and 24 on Alabama in the past two weeks.

Michael Bramos

Position: G/F
Hometown: Harper Woods
School: Miami (Ohio)
Year: Jr.
Stats: 15.3 PPG, 4.1 APG
Skinny: Amaker really screwed the pooch on this one. How do you let anyone get away to J. Crew U.? Bramos has been slowed by an ankle injury for the last month so his stats don't do him justice. In his first 5 games, Bramos looked like the second coming of Wally Szczerbiak, averaging 24.2 PPG. In that span, he dropped 30 on Mississippi State and 36 on Dayton.

David Hoskins

Position: F
Hometown: Canton
School: Kansas State
Year: Senior
Stats: 14.5 PPG, 5.9 RPG (2006-07)
Skinny: OK, so we are kind of stretching things with Hoskins, who was a Juco and hasn't played all year after knee surgery (if we were him, we'd just wait until Beasley cleared outta town). But even the Ann Arbor News could see this guy was talented, naming him the 2003 Player of the Year. Sheesh, TA.

J'Nathan Bullock

Position: F
Hometown: Flint
School: Cleveland State
Year: Jr.
Stats: 14.4 PPG, 6.0 RPG
Skinny: There's no way around it: the guy's name is completely ridiculous. He's also just 6-5, but dude is a wide body that's good on the boards. And his 12-5 Cleveland State team might even be headed to the tournament, with wins over USF and Florida State on their resume. Meanwhile, our signature win is Northwestern.

THE REALESTS REPORT

Nobody conducts a witch hunt without The Realests.

Just a month after the Mitchell Report rocked Major League Baseball, the entire sports world is about to get flipped on its head.

We introduce The Realests Report.

Just compare the two:

Mitchell Report
- 20-month investigation
- Over 700 interviews
- 409-page report

Realests Report
- 1 day investigation using the scientific Eyeball Test
- 0 interviews
- 1 page

Needless to say, these allegations are far more damning than anything presented in the Mitchell Report and will rock the very foundation of sport. We are declining all media interviews in advance all will let the report speak for itself. We will also be unavailable for a Congressional hearing as we do not speak English.

Mike Vrabel
Team: New England Patriots
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Seriously, does the NFL even test for this shit anymore? The guy's neck is a tree trunk and his head is a watermelon. And let's get this straight: In four years with the Steelers, the guy hardly plays and considers retirement. Now at the age of 32, he turns into an All-Pro LB and go-to TE in his spare time? Meanwhile, half the guys from his '97 draft class are already out of the league.



Danny Jamieson
Team: Bad Asses
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Where are we at in society today when we have to start testing for The Inferno? The guy lost his mind last season and was even called out by the Sports Guy. Between him, CT and Brad, Gauntlet 3 is going to be a blood bath.

Patrick Kerney
Team: Seattle Steroids
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: The guy is a complete freak, sleeping in hyperbaric chambers and pre-gaming by sending electrical currents through his body. Combining for just 12 sacks over the past 2 years and sidelined with a pec injury, Kerney responds with 14.5 sacks, second in the NFL.

Brett Myers
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: No joke - the guy's childhood hero is The Incredible Hulk. Once a phenom, he wouldn't be the first pitcher looking to regain his old form by turning to the juice. He's got the roid rage down, assaulting his wife on a Boston street in 2005. Oh yeah, and then there was Retardgate last August.

Jared Allen
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Speaking of maniacs: Allen gets busted for a DUI every other week. After being selected in the fourth round out of Idaho State in 2004, this guy has racked up 43 sacks in 4 seasons. That's 5.5 more than Lawrence Taylor over that same time period. Call us skeptical.

Kyle Vanden Bosch
Team: Tennessee Titans
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: What is it with these white d-linemen? VB was a complete bust out of Nebraska, always riddled with injuries. The second round pick in 2001 totaled 5 sacks in 3 seasons with Arizona (granted, everyone sucks in Arizona). The last 3 years? 32 sacks.

Tyler Hansbrough
Team: North Carolina
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Who can really blame Hansbrough fot hitting the juice after Gerald Henderson elbowed him in the face like that. After getting tossed around by double and triple teams last year, Hansbrough has gone ape shit this year. And just wait till he goes Kermit Washington on Henderson's face Feb. 6.

Owen Schmitt
Team: West Virginia
Exhibit A: Before Steroids (N/A)
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: How does a 6-3, 250 pound FB end up at Division III Wisconsin-River Falls? You got us. After sending around a tape of himself, Schmitt walked onto West Virginia. Now the guy squats 650 lbs., power cleans another 480, rips off 60-yard runs on a whim and bashes himself in the face with his helmet for fun:



Also on steroids:
- Timbaland
- Cato June

TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET: GLEN RICE REMIX

If you haven't heard yet, former Michigan hoops star Glen Rice was arrested for pummeling his estranged wife's new boyfriend who was - no joke - trapped in the closet.

As if we needed a reason to roll this footage:

"O-H!!!!!!! I....RUT-RO!!!!"

This has been everywhere already, but piling on The Ohio State University (and its student newspaper) just can't get old.

BOOSTER: FIRE ROBINSON OR KITTENS DIE

We have a copycat on our hands, folks - no pun intended.

Everyone knows about the Washington booster that will donate $200k if Ty Willingham and AD Todd Turner get whacked.

That already had us deeply disturbed. Are crazy college football fans really resorting to terrorism to get their way?

But this... this just makes us sick to our stomach.

An insider at The Realests has informed us that a Syracuse booster has taken an even more drastic measure in an attempt to fire football coach Greg Robinson, who has gone 7-28 in his 3 years at the 'Cuse.

What is the threat, you ask:

Killing a kitten every day until Robinson is fired.

Pictured above is the late Mister Bojangles, who was found dead in a Syracuse back alley just hours ago.

Usually we are unconditionally against negotiating with terrorists, but this is just too much.

It's times like this when we ask ourselves, "What Would Jack Bauer Do?" Fortunately, we already know the answer after watching Jack execute Ryan Chappelle in Season 4 (man, remember when 24 was sweet?)

We're pleading with AD Daryl Gross and coach Robinson to resolve this peacefully.

Please don't let Mister Bojangles die in vain....

"GAY PORN" PUSHES SAPP TO RETIREMENT

Man, we are really going to miss Warren Sapp.

From failing seven drugs tests at The U (seven!) to his Beyonce dance to calling Mike Sherman a "lying, shiteating hound" - Sapp was always in the middle of something crazy.

And how about this for a finale? When explaining why he flipped out his second to last game in the NFL, Sapp put it like this to SI:

"It was something that was really, really on the edge of like, gay porn. When it's real bad football, that's what we call it: gay porn.

Something you just don't want to watch. Something you just don't want to see on TV. Something you don't even want to talk about. That's gay porn."

No arguments here, although after watching late-night Channel 35 for the past 3 years, we'd say Sapp isn't giving transexual porn its due.

And with that Beyonce booty on him, Militia from American Gladiators must be devastated.

P.S. We have a hunch there's going to be a lot of gay porn in Ann Arbor this fall.