GRADUATION

I love Kanye West's new cd so much that I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.


Originally, I had pre-ordered it on iTunes and I was so excited that I planned on staying up til about 3 in the morning on Monday night so that I could download the cd at the first possible moment, listen to it, and then fall asleep. From that last sentence you should easily figure out that my life has become more pathetic than you could even imagine.

Late on Monday afternoon, I decided to cancel the pre-order. I realized that I wanted the actual cd. So I decided to go to the Virgin Store in Union Square early on Tuesday morning to buy the actual compact disc. Since about 10 AM on Tuesday morning, the cd is all I've listened to. It's occupied my every thought. It's that good.

Sure, maybe I'm going overboard. I have a tendency to do that when I like something alot. Take my recent obsession with Las Vegas. I've been watching 2-3 episodes a day and at this point am ready to declare it the best show on television. In fact, I'm thinking about staying in on Friday, September 28th so that I can watch the 2 hour season premiere (!)

Anyway, before I actually start talking about the cd itself, I should preface my review with a few thoughts. First, Kanye is probably my favorite rapper out right now. This might have more to do with other rappers sucking than with Kanye being that good. It's become disgustingly easy for me to rattle off a list of disappointments that my rap favorites have graced me with: Kingdom Come, Hip Hop Is Dead, Tru3 Magic. Even Game Theory and Hell Hath No Fury haven't lived up to the weight of repeat listens. Now, given that last sentence, maybe it's true that I'm jumping the gun on Graduation being great given that I've only listened to it for 3 days. But, in my defense, both College Dropout and Late Registration have consistently grown on me to the point where both of those albums remain in heavy rotation on my iPod. Second, I fought tooth and nail with myself not to listen to a leak of the album before it came out. I wanted to have that "wow-this-album-came-out-today-and-I've-only-listened-to-the-singles" feeling that I used to have in high school. While I like Game Theory and Hell Hath a lot both of those cds were diminished a little by the fact that I had heard so many of there songs before the album came out as a whole.

The overwhelming impression that the CD gives on the first listen is one of consistency. None of the songs really jump out at you as club bangers (exception, Stronger). Dropout and Registration both had a few songs (Through the Wire, Gold Digger) that you knew would be immediate hits. But they had their fair share of clunkers also (Breathe In Breathe Out, Bring Me Down). Graduation is different in that its completeness is an absolute strength - there's no inane skits, no overbloated guest appearances, no excess orchestration. The song quality is incredibly consistent. But that's not to say that all the songs are the same. There's a broad range - songs heavy on soul sample, piano loops, electronic samples, synths. It's a testament to Kanye's willingness to push the boundaries of what can be included in hip hop while still making hip hop music.

Here are my highlights on the album: I love the fact that the beat on "Good Morning" actually sounds like the morning feels. It's a perfect song to wake up to. On "Champion," I enjoy the part where the girl comes in and sings. I'm not a huge fan of the chorus, though. "Stronger" is great - the drums have been changed - but thankfully Kanye decided not to change any of the lyrics. On a side note, I'm sick and tired of hearing people complain about his lyrics. He has his fair share of clunkers, but he's never claimed to be a great lyricist. Plus, referencing Klondike bars and lesbians on back to back lines is genius. "I Wonder" starts to become good at the start of the third verse when Kanye gets rid of the stilted flow and starts to build some momentum with his voice. "Good Life" is one of my favorite songs on the album. I love when drops the beat and says "more ass than the models." I love the video. I love the Michael Jackson sample. And I really enjoyed the MTV VMA performance for the song. I originally hated "Can't Tell Me Nothin'," but it's grown on me steadily. Plus, the fact that he brought Jeezy in just to record adlibs is pretty genius. I'm still not sold on "Barry Bonds" mostly because I don't like Weezy that much, but the organ in the song is pretty ominous and foreboding. "Drunk and Hot Girls" is by far the most out there song on the album and it's almost unbearably slow. But I haven't skipped it yet on a listen through and the lyrics are pretty fantastic. For example, "Don't tell me you a singer/ you about to get a deal / aaagh aaagh aaagh aaagh / that's how the fuck you sound." Does it rhyme? No. Does it make any sense? No. Does it work perfectly? Yes. "Flashing Lights" is a song that I have absolutely no feelings about either way yet. "Everything I Am" and "Glory" are my two favorite songs on the album. The former sounds a little like "Guess Who's Back" while "Glory" sounds a little like "I.Z.Z.O." I think Kanye is at his best when the beats are dominated either by piano or strings. Both of these songs hit the spot. "Homecoming" is a completed and mastered version of "Home" which was originally on the College Dropout Advance. The verses of the songs are identical, but the choruses and beats are completey different. I loved the original version of "Home" with the soul sample and John Legend singing the chorus and was disappointed when I found out that this version would be different. But I still equally likehttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif the more piano based and Chris Martin-sung version on this album. But it's weird when he starts yodelling on the chorus. "Big Brother" is a song about Jay-Z. You thought that I wouldn't like it??

Reading through the last paragraph, I realized that I didn't do the cd justice. But I'm not about to go back and delete it because 1) it's a lot of words and 2) it took me a while to write. The one main thing to say about the album is that you can tell that Kanye tried on it. And, like I've said before, at this point in time all I ask out of rappers is that they try. He tried to make an album that was both overreaching and well within itself. He tried to explore his sonic palate and he also tried to step up his lyricism. He succeeded on all fronts.

So, go buy the cd. And even if you don't like Kanye that much, you have to like him more than you like 50 Cent.

If you want to read much better and more polished reviews of the album, click here here here or here. And this reviewer doesn't have a damn clue what they're talking about.

TEN MOST MISERABLE LLOYD CARR MOMENTS

As Michigan fans, we always talk about how tough we've got it. How many times have you heard someone say, "Only Michigan"? The thing is, it's true. I don't want to hear people talk about how we've been to 3 of the last 4 Rose Bowls and how most schools would kill to go 7-5, as we did in 2005.

We are tortured souls. Period.

And to prove it, we're counting down the most painful, gut-wrenching, "I want to punch myself in the face" moments during Lloyd Carr's illustrious 13 years as our football coach.

Warning: This can be difficult to digest all at once. Steer clear of sharp objects and ledges.

10. "Forget the Alamo" - 2005 Alamo Bowl (Dec. 28, 2005)
After blowing an 11-point lead to Nebraska and (gasp!) Bill Callahan, Michigan tricks Big Red into thinking the game is over before Tyler Ecker streaks down the sideline for a potential game-winning touchdown. Even with only 2 Huskers still playing, Big Blue still can't score; Ecker runs out of bounds as time expires instead of lateraling the to a wide-open Steve Breaston.



9. "Dorsch is a Douche" - Michigan at Purdue (Oct. 7, 2000)
After storming out to a commanding 28-10 halftime lead led by Drew Henson, A-Train and David Terrell, Carr inexplicably goes into conservative mode the entire second half. Michigan scores just 3 more points, but the Wolverines appear to escape with the victory after Travis Dorsch yanks a 32-yard field goal wide left with just 2:11 to go. Undeterred, the Michigan offense goes 3-and-out, handing the ball right back to Drew Brees. With four seconds to go, Dorsch connects from 33-yards out for the win.

8. "A-Train Derailed" - Michigan at Northwestern (Nov. 4, 2000)
Let's stay within the 2000 season. Three weeks after the Purdue debacle, another Michigan opponent hands Big Blue a victory. An apparent game-winning touchdown on fourth down was called back on a penalty and then NU's Damien Anderson drops a touchdown pass on fourth down with almost no time left. Instead of falling down after he picks up the necessary first down to run out the clock, Anthony Thomas fumbles the ball, leading to a Northwestern TD. As always, Michigan's last shot is extremely anti-climatic: A 57-yard field-goal attempt in which Johnny Cakes pulls "a Romo."

7. "The Donovan Show" - Michigan vs. Syracuse (Sept. 12, 1998)
Classic Michigan. How do the Wolverines come out in 1998 after winning the national championship? By losing its first two games. This is now universally known as the game people realized Michigan can't handle black quarterbacks. Donovan McNabb led the 'Cuse to a 24-0 lead. Although Michigan only lost by 10 (38-28), it was never close. McNeezy ran circles around Michigan's defense, racking up 60 yards rushing and 233 yards passing. For those looking for positives, Michigan did turn their 0-2 start into a 10-3 season. We'll see if history repeats itself.

6. "Illinihilated" - Michigan vs. Illinois (Oct. 23, 2000)
Up 27-7 over perennial doormat Illinois with 18 minutes remaining, Carr decided to hit the snooze button on the Illini. Led by Kurt Kittner and Rocky Harvey, Illinois scores 28 unanswered points that concludes with a 59-yard pass to Harvey for a TD. Michigan has one last chance to tie the game, but Tom Brady (yes, we even turned that guy into a loser) threw an interception on the goal line. We should point out Illinois fumbled and Big Blue got 2 points out of it! The next week Illinois lost by 20 at home to Penn State.

5. "Tressel Takes Over" - Michigan vs. Ohio State (Nov. 24, 2001)
Who can forget Tressel's guarantee: "I can assure you that you will be proud of your young people in the classroom, in the community and most especially in 310 days in Ann Arbor, Michigan"? We laughed at the time. The joke was on us after Jermaine Gonzales came in at quarterback only to let the ball sail over his head for a safety. Michigan trailed 23-0 at the half and a Marquise Walker dropped ball sealed the 26-20 OSU victory. Tressel is now going for his 6th win over Michigan in 7 tries.

4. "The Jug-ular" - Michigan vs. Minnesota (Oct. 8, 2005)
Just trying to run out the clock on 3rd and long with under a minute remaining, Gary Russell broke loose for a 61-yard run aided by multiple missed tackles. Jason Giannini hits a 30-yard field goal with one second left, forcing Michigan fans to watch Glen Mason celebrate the Little Brown Jug at The Big House. Disgusting. Almost as disgusting as his fake tan.

3. "Sitting Ducks" - Michigan vs. Oregon (Sept. 8, 2007)
If the Appalachian State game is the day Michigan football died, the Oregon game is when we got our ashes pissed on. Is there really any need to go over this? Coming off a 7-6 season, Oregon racked up 624 yards of total offense and drubbed Big Blue 39-7. The game easily could have been 56-7 if it weren't for careless errors in the second half.

2. "Rocky Bottom" - 2001 Citrus Bowl (Jan. 1, 2001)
This game was an epiphany for two reasons: It's when Ann Arbor officially turned on Lloyd Carr and the country realized Michigan was really, really slow. After the Ohio State debacle, Casey Clausen ripped the Michigan secondary for almost 400 yards passing and 3 TDs. We still have nightmares of big whitey Jason Witten outrunning Cato June for a 64-yard touchdown catch.

1. "Appalanche" - Michigan vs. Appalachian State (Sept. 1, 2007)
Pick a title: The Biggest Upset in College Football History. The Day Michigan Football Died. Balls in our Mouth. In typical Michigan fashion, the potential game-winning field goal hits an Appalachian State player in the chest, ending a game that will haunt Michigan fans forever.



Dishonorable Mention:
- 2001 Michigan State loss (26-24): LeSueur throws the game away.
- 2002 Iowa loss (34-9): Markus Curry throws the game away.
- 2006 Ohio State loss (25-21): The entire 'D' throws the game away.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

If it's any consolation, the Oregon Ducks mascot has been suspended one game.... for kicking the Houston Cougars' ass:

CAUGHT PLAYING WITH HIS DICK-KA

The Dude really has a nose for crazy shit that goes down on Monday Night Football. First it was the crazy inflatable Atlanta Falcon, now it's Mike Ditka playing with his thingy in the booth. We'd like to point out the horror on Mike Greenberg's face.

Maybe MNF can be saved, after all...

REALEST TV

Las Vegas is the best show on television. Here's 3 reasons why:


































But here's the reason why Jim loves the show:

LLOYD CARR: BAD CASE OF LOSER DENIAL

Someone please stop Lloyd Carr the next time he goes on his well-rehearsed spiel: "We can either fold it up, or we can fight back!"

It's pretty much the same speech he's given for every loss we can remember. Note to Lloyd: Losing 39-7 means your team folded it up.

Even more pathetic, if Michigan somehow finds a way to beat Notre Dame (a big if...), Lloyd's going to talk about how he's never been prouder of a group of football players and never seen anything like the adversity and ridicule they've gone through in the last two weeks. Please spare us.

Hopefully it doesn't take a parking cone up the ass for Lloyd to get the message.

We'd much rather see Lloyd pull a John L. Smith and throw the entire team under the bus like he did after last year's Illinois game ("That’s the way we practiced, what you saw. We can’t get them to go. Apparently I don’t have the answer. Can’t get them to go hard in practice.")

M NOTES:

Nike Conspiracy Theory: We'd like to point out our newest conspiracy theory: Has anyone noticed that the downfall of Michigan football just-so-happens to come right after we turned our backs on Nike? Don't worry, The Realests are already looking into large cash transactions between the Henne family and Phil Knight.

Now 0-4 since Bo's death, people are now talking about how that might not be a coincidence - but that's just offensive.

It's Britney, Bitch: Toss up. Who's more out of touch with reality (and realety, for that matter...) right now: The Michigan Football Team or Britney Spears? Someone stop this woman.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

After seeing this last night on ESPN, we were just waiting for someone to put it on YouTube. ESPN was kind enough to put the video online themselves.

We loved the loosened tie, dimmed lighting atmosphere. Unfortunately, we are all now dumber from listening to this speech. "You're wife just ran off with the drummer"? Lou you can't be serious.

Wonder if Lloyd will put this on before the game.

Lou, let's leave the poetic speeches to Hollywood.

NO HOMO

For some reason a guy that makes out with other dudes has set the industry standard on making it clear you aren't a homo. Everyone here has seen "When Being Real Goes Wrong." Well this is when "No Homo Goes Wrong." Enjoy.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Just hours ago we voiced our concern realety was dead.

Have no fear - Darko is here.

We didn't post his tirade earlier because we thought the translation provided had to be a joke. But now that it's been plastered everywhere, we're just running with it. After Darko's Serbian team lost to Greece, Darko went ape shit and said this according to the AOL Fanhouse:

"I will find the referees, murder them and then [expletive] their daughters."

Take a look for yourself:



With Leather has two other interpretations.

We still find this hard to believe. I mean, wouldn't at least some of the reporters start cracking up and laugh, or at least gasp?

Just because it's Darko, we're gonna give him the benefit of the doubt until we are told otherwise.

WEEZY F. BABY SUED FOR MAKING IT RAIN

It's time like these when being real appears on the verge of extinction.

Lil' Wayne - a.k.a. Weezy F. Baby, Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., Birdman Jr., The Best Rapper Alive - is being sued for, of all things, making it rain.

It'd be one thing if he pulled a Pacman Jones, but this is absurd. From the AP:

"Tyrique Layne was a 17-year-old freshman at Morgan State when she attended the show. According to the lawsuit, someone — either Lil' Wayne or members of his entourage — threw money into the crowd during the rapper's performance, a stunt known as "making it rain."

Layne alleges in the suit, filed Tuesday in Baltimore Circuit Court, that she was trampled, lost consciousness and suffered a "serious closed head injury" that required hospitalization. She has suffered since from memory loss, lapses in concentration and frequent and severe headaches, according to the complaint."

She's suing for $1 million. Typical freshman move, like getting too wasted during Welcome Week and getting your stomach pumped. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

GREATEST PORNO PARODIES OF ALL TIME

There's a lot of creative geniuses in porno films that for some reason or another couldn't hack it in Hollywood. You don't think it chaps their asses when they see studios greenlight "John Tucker Must Die" or "Who's Your Caddy"?

Well it's about time these filmmakers got some respect. Nowhere is their brilliance more evident than the titles of their movies, often rip-offs of box office hits.

As a tribute to their work, we present the Top 10 Porn Parodies of All Time.

Editor's Note: Sadly, Saving Ryan's Privates is not porn, it's a comedy. Otherwise it would certainly be on this list.

10. Starship Poopers
"That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life!"

9. Man on the Poon
No wonder he's smiling...

8. Whore of the Worlds
Enter Paris Hilton joke here.

7. The Bare Wench Project
"No map. No food. No clothes." Brilliant.

6. The Blown Ranger
An old school classic.

5. Saturday Night Beaver
How is the tagline not, "Catch the beaver..."?

4. Edward Penishands
Tim Burton is really kicking himself for not thinking of this.

3. Robocock
Rattner's personal favorite.

2. Drilling Miss Daisy
Let's hope they picked a younger actress to play Miss Daisy.

1. Honey, I Blew Everybody
Wow. You just can't compete with that.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DIZZLER

We'd take a second to explain who Tony Ding is, but the man's reputation precedes himself. We'll just say he is the finest photog in the history of The Michigan Daily.

Why do we mention this? Because a picture he took during the Appalachian State-Michigan game is the new cover of Sports Illustrated. Take a look:


You don't need us to tell you that having the cover of SI is the Holy Grail of sports photo journalism. What can you say? The man has a magic touch.

Congrats also to former sports staffer Kyle O'Neill, who just started his own blog for the Freep and will do battle with the Daily's evil nemesis, Jim Carty.

THE REAL MANGINIUS: MARK MANGINO

It's nice to see a coach get fired up for a change (keep in mind KU won the game, 52-7):



By the way, who is this Jamie Brown dude running our special teams? His last job was in the Arena League and he's been a high school and college umpire for 11 years. Didn't we learn our lesson from Jim Boccher?

P.S. Honestly, how does a man of Mangino's size wipe his ass? It must be downright impossible...

"IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH"

Has there ever been a greater comeback line?



Britney's back!

APPALANCHE!!!!

I've been busy sunbathing with spider monkeys off the coast of Costa Rica for the past two weeks (Get better soon, Owen Wilson), so I just found out that Michigan lost to Appalachian State. What a relief! Instead of a let down in the middle or end of the season, now we can start all the "Lloyd needs to go" and "Bill Martin/Michigan is complacent" talk right now. All you bitchers and moaners should be happy about that because - and, let's face it - you guys don't want to see Michigan win. Instead of getting to the root of the problem, you'd rather bitch about it. Well, not me. I've spent the last 12 hours doing intense research - making phone calls, watching the game film - and I've pinpointed the only three possible reasons for the Appalanche that destroyed our football program.

Reason #1: Racism

The simple fact is that our coaching staff might be racist. Hasn't everyone noticed that we have trouble with athletic black quarterbacks?? Maybe it's because we underestimate their skill and decision-making ability. I know what you're going to say - "Isn't our defensive coordinator, Ron English, black?" Yes, he is. But that doesn't mean that he along with everyone else on the team isn't racist.


Here's the evidence. What do these quarterbacks all have in common? Kordell Stewart. Brad Banks. Donovan McNabb. Troy Smith. Armanti Edwards. Answer? They're all black. And they've all beaten the crap out of Michigan. Here's some more evidence. Name the last minority Michigan quarterback to start a game. That's right, you can't think of one under the recent coaching staff. Finally, think of the number of minority quarterbacks that we've scared away. That's right - 2 (Jermaine "Juan" Gonzalez and Matt Guttierez).

In fact, we have it from a good source (who we will not name) that the whole Michigan Affirmative Action Supreme Court Case was a mere diversion to take the focus off the stereotypical and outdated mindset of our football team.

What's the solution to all this you ask? The Realests should be hired as the next coaches of the football team. After countless games of NCAA Football on XBox, we've determined exactly how to utilize and stop the black/athletic quarterback. This solution kills two birds with one stone. The Realests get to move back to Ann Arbor and Michigan wins 17 national championships in a row.

Reason #2: The Big Ten Network

Wow, here's a shocker. The Big Ten Network is involved in a bitter battle with cable providers over carrying the channel and in the network's inaugural game we have one of the biggests upsets in college football history??? Is Tim Donaghy the CEO of the Big Ten Network?! This is crap. As always, we've followed the money. There was a strong evidence linking the Vegas betting lines, the IPO of the Big Ten Network, and the referees' decision making in the Appalanche. Maybe Lloyd and Ron English are shareholders in the TV network. We'll investigate further.

Reason #3: Jim Harbaugh


You all know that he's laughing his ass off right now. This is what he wanted. He stuck it to us for our academic standards because he thought that we had superior athletes. Now he can talk shit about us sucking on the field too. We traced the cell phone records and found that the ear piece in Armanti Edwards helmet was actually a direct line to Jim Harbaugh's cell phone. Coincidence? Hardly. Harbaugh's been salivating over the Michigan job for years and he sensed an opportunity to bring us down by selling our playbook to Appalachian State. What a jerk.

Luckly, we've got a solution if this turns out to be true. Hire Jim Harbaugh.

(Oh, and in the course of our investigatory journalism we also found out that Bill Martin is Ed Martin. Wrap your head around that Big Blue Nation.)

SATURDAY'S SILVER LINING

This is a special moment for The Realests.

A single tear rolled down my face after seeing what Tony Ding sent me: pictures of The Claw, alive and well.

Note: You won't be able to tell it's The Claw without clicking on the picture. Also, we've taken the liberty of highlighting the people with textbook form and spotted the haters still doing The Chop (For the last time, this isn't Florida State, people!).

It appears this is the only part of Michigan football not in shambles right now. Go ahead and take that claw and give yourself a scratch on the back...

APPALACHIAN STATE WON'T GO AWAY

We said immediately after Saturday's game that Appalachian State will haunt you for the rest of your life, but this is getting ridiculous.

As if it isn't bad enough to be on ESPNews every 5 minutes (with a Jim Carty interview, no less!) and in our nightmares, Michigan fans are even reminded how shitty we are during crappy Adam Sandler movies.

As Little Bird pointed out while watching "The Longest Yard" yesterday, there's a scene where even Sandler rips the Mounties:

Sandler: All right. Relatively simple. You need a tune-up game.

Other Dude: A tune-up game?

Sandler: Yeah. In college, we'd start every season against Appalachian State or some slack Division II team. Kick the living shit out of them. Get their confidence up.

Will the torture ever end???

FAREWELL TO MICHIGAN FOOTBALL

R.I.P. Michigan Football

May 30, 1879 - September 1, 2007
You're dead to me, boy... You're more dead to me than your dead mother...

WORST FEELING EVER

Michigan just lost to Appalachian State. Let's get this out before we pour tapioca pudding all over our faces:

We are the laughingstock of college football.

This will replace Chaminade over Virginia as the biggest upset ever in college sports.

We will never live this down. When you tell people you went to Michigan, people will make fun of you for the rest of your life because of this game.

This is Lloyd's legacy. They might as well erase the '97 title because all he will be remembered for is this.

Donovan Warren already announced he is transferring to USC.

Gingell just took Jamar Adams' safety position.

This is the biggest disgrace in the history of the state of Michigan.

This can't be real.


Just keep doing this to yourself...

"ROSS" ON SUICIDE WATCH

We heard about this a couple days ago, but it didn't really sink in until we saw it on YouTube. Fast-forward to 1:20 left on the clip. Yikes Ross. That guy is definitely reading don't-kill-myself books right now.