THE REALESTS REPORT

Nobody conducts a witch hunt without The Realests.

Just a month after the Mitchell Report rocked Major League Baseball, the entire sports world is about to get flipped on its head.

We introduce The Realests Report.

Just compare the two:

Mitchell Report
- 20-month investigation
- Over 700 interviews
- 409-page report

Realests Report
- 1 day investigation using the scientific Eyeball Test
- 0 interviews
- 1 page

Needless to say, these allegations are far more damning than anything presented in the Mitchell Report and will rock the very foundation of sport. We are declining all media interviews in advance all will let the report speak for itself. We will also be unavailable for a Congressional hearing as we do not speak English.

Mike Vrabel
Team: New England Patriots
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Seriously, does the NFL even test for this shit anymore? The guy's neck is a tree trunk and his head is a watermelon. And let's get this straight: In four years with the Steelers, the guy hardly plays and considers retirement. Now at the age of 32, he turns into an All-Pro LB and go-to TE in his spare time? Meanwhile, half the guys from his '97 draft class are already out of the league.



Danny Jamieson
Team: Bad Asses
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Where are we at in society today when we have to start testing for The Inferno? The guy lost his mind last season and was even called out by the Sports Guy. Between him, CT and Brad, Gauntlet 3 is going to be a blood bath.

Patrick Kerney
Team: Seattle Steroids
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: The guy is a complete freak, sleeping in hyperbaric chambers and pre-gaming by sending electrical currents through his body. Combining for just 12 sacks over the past 2 years and sidelined with a pec injury, Kerney responds with 14.5 sacks, second in the NFL.

Brett Myers
Team: Philadelphia Phillies
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: No joke - the guy's childhood hero is The Incredible Hulk. Once a phenom, he wouldn't be the first pitcher looking to regain his old form by turning to the juice. He's got the roid rage down, assaulting his wife on a Boston street in 2005. Oh yeah, and then there was Retardgate last August.

Jared Allen
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Speaking of maniacs: Allen gets busted for a DUI every other week. After being selected in the fourth round out of Idaho State in 2004, this guy has racked up 43 sacks in 4 seasons. That's 5.5 more than Lawrence Taylor over that same time period. Call us skeptical.

Kyle Vanden Bosch
Team: Tennessee Titans
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: What is it with these white d-linemen? VB was a complete bust out of Nebraska, always riddled with injuries. The second round pick in 2001 totaled 5 sacks in 3 seasons with Arizona (granted, everyone sucks in Arizona). The last 3 years? 32 sacks.

Tyler Hansbrough
Team: North Carolina
Exhibit A: Before Steroids
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: Who can really blame Hansbrough fot hitting the juice after Gerald Henderson elbowed him in the face like that. After getting tossed around by double and triple teams last year, Hansbrough has gone ape shit this year. And just wait till he goes Kermit Washington on Henderson's face Feb. 6.

Owen Schmitt
Team: West Virginia
Exhibit A: Before Steroids (N/A)
Exhibit B: After Steroids
Skinny: How does a 6-3, 250 pound FB end up at Division III Wisconsin-River Falls? You got us. After sending around a tape of himself, Schmitt walked onto West Virginia. Now the guy squats 650 lbs., power cleans another 480, rips off 60-yard runs on a whim and bashes himself in the face with his helmet for fun:



Also on steroids:
- Timbaland
- Cato June

TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET: GLEN RICE REMIX

If you haven't heard yet, former Michigan hoops star Glen Rice was arrested for pummeling his estranged wife's new boyfriend who was - no joke - trapped in the closet.

As if we needed a reason to roll this footage:

"O-H!!!!!!! I....RUT-RO!!!!"

This has been everywhere already, but piling on The Ohio State University (and its student newspaper) just can't get old.

BOOSTER: FIRE ROBINSON OR KITTENS DIE

We have a copycat on our hands, folks - no pun intended.

Everyone knows about the Washington booster that will donate $200k if Ty Willingham and AD Todd Turner get whacked.

That already had us deeply disturbed. Are crazy college football fans really resorting to terrorism to get their way?

But this... this just makes us sick to our stomach.

An insider at The Realests has informed us that a Syracuse booster has taken an even more drastic measure in an attempt to fire football coach Greg Robinson, who has gone 7-28 in his 3 years at the 'Cuse.

What is the threat, you ask:

Killing a kitten every day until Robinson is fired.

Pictured above is the late Mister Bojangles, who was found dead in a Syracuse back alley just hours ago.

Usually we are unconditionally against negotiating with terrorists, but this is just too much.

It's times like this when we ask ourselves, "What Would Jack Bauer Do?" Fortunately, we already know the answer after watching Jack execute Ryan Chappelle in Season 4 (man, remember when 24 was sweet?)

We're pleading with AD Daryl Gross and coach Robinson to resolve this peacefully.

Please don't let Mister Bojangles die in vain....

"GAY PORN" PUSHES SAPP TO RETIREMENT

Man, we are really going to miss Warren Sapp.

From failing seven drugs tests at The U (seven!) to his Beyonce dance to calling Mike Sherman a "lying, shiteating hound" - Sapp was always in the middle of something crazy.

And how about this for a finale? When explaining why he flipped out his second to last game in the NFL, Sapp put it like this to SI:

"It was something that was really, really on the edge of like, gay porn. When it's real bad football, that's what we call it: gay porn.

Something you just don't want to watch. Something you just don't want to see on TV. Something you don't even want to talk about. That's gay porn."

No arguments here, although after watching late-night Channel 35 for the past 3 years, we'd say Sapp isn't giving transexual porn its due.

And with that Beyonce booty on him, Militia from American Gladiators must be devastated.

P.S. We have a hunch there's going to be a lot of gay porn in Ann Arbor this fall.

2007 REALEST OF THE YEAR: AKON

He might not be the craziest person in the music industry, but he's definitely the biggest douche. Move over Britney (are we the only ones that were disappointed she wasn't on Rihanna's "Umbrella" remix? That could have sealed the deal for her...); Akon is the Realest of the Year - just clean that shit off your teeth before you come up and accept the award.

Why Akon?

Take a quick look at his year:

February: In an interview with Independent, Akon defends owning a diamond mine in South Africa after the uproar caused by Blood Diamond with the following:

"I don't even believe in conflict diamonds. That's just a movie. Think about it. Ain't nobody thought about nothing about no conflict diamonds until the movie came out. Where was all that shit before the movie?...

It's no different from The Blair Witch Project. Everybody thought that was real."

That's deep, bro. "Ain't nobody thought about nothing about no" could be our new catch-phrase.

April: Everyone's seen this, so let's just roll the footage on Akon dry humping some 15-year-old in Trinidad. Talk about blue balls:



June: After getting hit with a bottle onstage in New York (granted, a douche move in its own right), Akon brings the doofus on stage and chucks him WWF-style off it. And don't you just love the other kids going ape-shit after? I know my reaction to that would be, "Wooo! You rule, Akon!"




July: Akon "apologizes" for the dry humping incident with the song "Sorry, Blame it On Me" - then goes on to blame her dad, the club for letting someone under 21 in (seriously, are you sharing R. Kelly's publicist?), and pretty much the world in general. Really heartfelt, Akon.

September: In an interview with Blender, Akon claims to having a Shawn Kemp-esque 5 kids with three different women. When asked about what his wife thinks about his infidelity, Akon explains:

"From my angle, things just happen. She’s confident enough to know that I’m not going anywhere."

Things just happen? Why didn't Bill Clinton think of this?

As for the kid he threw off stage?

"That was all in fun."

Yeah, me personally, there's nothing I enjoy more than a friend bashing a chair over my head - you know, just for fun.

2007-08 BIG TEN PREVIEW: INDIANA

We feel like we just finished a marathon. Exactly two months and two days since we started the Big Ten Basketball Preview, it is finally complete. And no, it isn't tainted by the fact conference play has already begun and we took shortcuts to get here. FYI: We're planning on starting the 08-09 preview in May. But before we hit you up with our preview of the Indiana Hoosiers, let's take a look back at all our team capsules:

11. Northwestern Wildcats
10. Iowa Hawkeyes
9. Minnesota Golden Gophers
8. Michigan Wolverines
7. Penn State Nittany Lions
6. Purdue Boilermakers
5. Illinois Fightin' Illini
4. Ohio State Buckeyes
3. Wisconsin Badgers
2. Michigan State Spartans

2006-07 Record: 21-11
Projected Finish: 1st
Returning Starters: 2
Head Coach: Kelvin Sampson
Best Player: Eric Gordon (23.5 PPG)

3 Reasons for Optimism:

1) Folks, if you haven't seen The Doughboy play, he is unstoppable. Don't take our word for it - take it from this kid with the Arabian goggles on:



2) When healthy, D.J. White is the best big man in the league. The guy might be undersized for the NBA, but he's a monster in the Big Ten - averaging 10 boards and 2 blocks per game.

3) Kelvin Sampson: This guy is a dirt bag. Seriously, you break NCAA rules twice in 1.5 years and lose two scholarships for it? I mean, if it's gonna be that kind of party, why don't I stick my dick in the mashed potatoes?

3 Reasons for Pessimism:

1) Being so dependent on a perimeter player is risky business. Just look at the Xavier loss. Indiana could very well ride Gordon to the Final Four like Syracuse did with Carmelo Anthony. OR Gordon could pull a J.J. Redick, fold up like a two-dollar suitcase, and leave Indiana short of the Sweet Sixteen.

2) After missing almost all of the 2005-06 season with a broken left foot, White's been injury free. But nothing says red flag for a big man like an old foot injury. Hey, you never known when a brick could fall on it.

3) Kelvin Sampson: This guy is a dirt bag. He's got to get caught some day... doesn't he?

Realety
Sampson is probably hated by every Big Ten coach - none more than Bruce Weber - but he might laugh all the way to the Final Four with Eric Gordon in tow. I'd say those extra phone calls were worth it, wouldn't you?

Sampson is a great defensive coach and they just have too much talent not to score.

Imagine if Michigan had hired this guy instead of Tommy Amaker...

CHOKEYES FLAWLESS IN TITLE ENCORE

Sorry Jim, no weasel laugh this time (that Miami game seems pretty distant all of a sudden, doesn't it?).

Get ready for another year of hearing:

#1) The SEC just has too much speed for the Big 10 to compete.

#2) The Big Ten is still stuck in the 1960s (seriously Herbie, don't you think that was a bit of an exaggeration?).

Also get ready for lots of lame tOSU jokes on message boards, like: "Who stunk up New Orleans more: Ohio State or Hurricane Katrina?" We know, it's really insensitive - but these people are losers.

Our final thought is one word: implosion.

Too bad it will be stuck with the Ohio State program for the next 5 years.

Gee golly, Two-Drive Tressel really put together a great gameplan tonight, didn't he? To EXACTLY replicate last year's performance of starting hot, then putting on a performance about as watchable as 2 Girls 1 Cup (go ahead, you know you want to Google it).... Well, we're speechless.

Like always, YouTube puts it best:

ANOTHER KICK TO THE NUTS

The sky is falling! Props to Scott Bell for writing an entire column on this, but count us among those that take Terrelle Pryor pointing to a Buckeye sticker on Saturday as a sign tOSU's world domination is going swimmingly.

Let's hope Steven Threet has some wheels!

If we had any sense about us, we would keep the TV off all night. But of course that won't happen.

MOONDOG: IS THAT YOU?

We aren't easily star struck here at The Realests. But when we received this e-mail in our inbox over this old post, I shit my pants:

I can not be more proud. I am sending this link to my parents immediately.

--dog

We are very gullible and have been duped before, once believing Lamar Odom reads this blog. What a cruel, cruel world it would be if this is a hoax.

MD: Please send a picture with you reading The Realests. We promise a box full of milk bones and a new typewriter.

Also, if we could get a jersey, please send to:

The Realests
Corner of 45th St and Blah Blah Ave.
New York, NY 10011

BIG TEN PREVIEW: MICHIGAN ST.

It was a late night at The Realests Thursday as votes poured in from the Iowa caucus for Realest of the Year. Britney Spears is the current front-runner but you know us - we need a good flip in everything we do. This thing's still up in the air. In the meantime, we turn our attention to the resurgent Michigan State Spartans.

2006-07 Record: 23-12
Projected Finish: 2nd
Returning Starters: 5
Head Coach: Tom Izzo
Best Player: Raymar Morgan (17.4 PPG)

3 Reasons for Optimism:

1) Raymar Morgan might be the most improved player in the country. After a decent freshman year slowed by injury, the guy has turned into Gerald Wallace, averaging 17 and 7, while averaging a freakish 59% from the field. Expect Zack Gibson to take a lot of "nuts on your chin" dunks like this when we head to East Lansing Jan. 27.



2) Most Big Ten teams don't have one decent point guard. Michigan State has two great ones. Super frosh Kalin Lucas doesn't even start and people are already talking about the 2008 Draft. And Drew Neitzel's finally finishing his 13-year career at MSU. To say the reigning Big Ten Player of the Year's stats are down is deceiving, because the guy had no help last year. The Neo-Nazi is still deadly from behind the arc (45 FG%).

3) It's Tom Izzo, people. How long do you really expect him to stay down after two very average years? The guy's made the Sweet Sixteen 6 times in 12 years. The Spartans look like a lock to make it #7.

3 Reasons for Pessimism:

1) They lost to at home to Division II Grand Valley State! Granted, it was an exhibition game, but they almost lost another preseason game against Michigan Tech, then laid an egg against Oakland (W, 75-71).

2) We aren't sold on the front court of Naymick, Suton and Gray. "Fire Crotch" and Suton aren't offensive threats and Marquise Gray has redefined "overhyped" since coming to Michigan State, replacing Kelvin Torbert's mug in the dictionary. Rated among the best PFs in the class of 2004 with Al Jefferson, LaMarcus Aldridge and D.J. White, Gray's hurt more than Larry Hughes.

3) The Spartans are ranked way, way too high right now. How do two quality wins over Texas and BYU get you rated No. 6 in the country over Georgetown, Tennessee and Duke?

Realety
It's no secret the Big Ten is a two-horse race between Michigan State and Indiana. We give the edge to Indiana because of their 1-2 punch of D.J. White and "The Doughboy" Eric Gordon, plus Kelvin Sampson will do whatever amount of cheating it takes to win. We like that in a coach.

Sparty will get by fine with Gray and Suton in the paint for Big Ten season, and they should end up beating us by 65 in a couple weeks (stop complaining about only playing them once, it just saves us one more ass-kicking in Crisler this year).

But if they get a bad matchup in the tournament, watch out.

Eventually they'll have to get by a Kevin Love or Roy Hibbert to get to the Final Four, and we don't see that happening.

Our second prediction: by this time next year, Neitzel will make national headlines getting arrested looking like this.

FINAL WARNING

Tired of being bombarded with lectures about how The Wire is the greatest show on television and you are missing out big time by not watching?

That's not our style.

This is Snoop. Tune in at 9:00 PM Sunday... or she'll kill you.

THE MOMENT OF REALETY

We just saw a commercial for Fox's new show The Moment of Truth and we haven't been this excited since seeing the midget Anchondo in Bad Santa:


With sample questions such as "Do fat people repulse you?", "Have you ever given a girlfriend a Dirty Sanchez?" and "Have you ever fantasized about a three-way with your wife and a donkey?" it automatically vaults into The Realests' Most Evil Show of All Time.

It doesn't hurt that the show is hosted by the Devil himself - Mark L. Wahlberg - best remembered as the host of Temptation Island.

The current Most Evil Shows of All Time are as follows:

5. Welcome to the Neighborhood - ABC really hit the exacta with this one: Racist and homophobic. Unsurprisingly, the show never aired.

4. Temptation Island - The godfather of evil reality shows. A lot of you young bucks out there are too young to remember it, but watching Jason Kidd attempting to outrun the cameramen on the beach could be the best moment in reality TV.

3. Kid Nation - Little kids cutting the heads off live chickens - what's left to ponder? Bonus points for the kids getting to choose their own rewards: "Do you want clean water free of typhoid or....... pizza?!?!?!"

2. Are You Hot? - Possibly the greatest show idea of all time: Humiliating people and major babe factor. We will never forget the guy that used a laser pointer to point out the excess fat on people's bodies.

Oh well, it wasn't all bad:


1. The Moment of Truth - Point blank: This show is trying to get someone killed. Producers just hope they're lucky enough to catch it on camera. And if this guy is host, who's running Hell???

CAPITAL ONE BOWL MUSINGS

Well Lloyd Carr really flipped the script on us yesterday didn't he?

With Michigan fans everywhere bracing for an embarrassing end to Carr's tenure, Lloyd rallied the troops one last time. You'd think we just lost Vince Lombardi from the media's reaction to the game.

Some thoughts:

- We know what you and every other fatalist Michigan fan is thinking: "Where was this offense all year?! How did we get just 100 yards against Ohio State?!" Chad Henne put it best, saying afterward Michigan showed "the team we could have been." There are really no answers here. The broadcasters blamed it on injuries but every Michigan fan knows that is BS. This was supposed to be the greatest offense in school history. It wasn't even the best this decade. The only insight we can provide is that Lloyd Carr is a riddle wrapped in an enigma. When the Michigan offense has 5 players (Henne, Hart, Long, Manningham, Arrington) taken in the first two rounds of this year's NFL Draft, people are really going to be scratching their heads.

- Great exchange between Lloyd Carr and Ron English after a Percy Harvin touchdown on a blow assignment. You can clearly see Lloyd go: "Why didn't you cover Harvin?" To which English responds: "You think I don't know that?!" The camera cut away after that but we can only hope Lloyd responded accordingly with, "You wanna end up like Boccher?!"

- How high will Adrian Arrington go in the NFL Draft (we're assuming he's gone, you should too)? He's a prototypical NFL wideout and really showed the entire repertoire yesterday. After being a knucklehead for the first part of his career, it's nice to see Arrington straightened his act out.

- How about Jamar Adams? People were calling for his head after the first two games, then turned around his season and capped it by destroying Tim Tebow. Somewhere Charles Drake is smiling.

- Urban Meyer might want to spend some more time on the recruiting trail with the defensive side of the ball. I know Florida lost Jarvis Moss and Reggie Nelson, but has a defense ever had a bigger one-year drop off than the Gators? This team can't stop anybody.

- I honestly think yesterday was the first time I've seen Will Johnson make a tackle all year. Where do we find these big white stiffs in the mold of Pat Massey, Norman Heuer and Grant Bowman? Enough already.

- Really classless move by Dick Rod after the game. If you didn't hear, Rodriguez gave Lloyd five minutes in the locker room with the team, then marched in, re-fired everyone except Fred Jackson and told the entire coaching staff "Get the fuck outta my locker room!"

ALBUMS OF THE YEAR

Time to combine two of the things that we love the most – rap albums and lists. Without further ado, we present to you The Realests’ Top 5 rap albums of the year.

(Editors’ Note: Jim took no part in the making of the list. This is mostly due to the fact that he listens to this song called “Strawberry Wine” on repeat on his iPod. His rap rights have been revoked – not even watching Season 4 of The Wire in 3 days will save him. And yeah, I do have the audacity to blast Jim after he kept this blog afloat for the last 3 months. You know what we call that? The audacity of real. Word to Obama.)

On second thought, I can’t do 5 albums. Mostly because I’m rusty and don’t know how to blog anymore, but moreso because it’s tough for me to think of 5 CDs from this year that I know that I’ll listen to in the future. And that’s the standard by which I’m listing these CDs. So, here it is:

4) 8 Diagrams – The Wu-Tang Clan


While it’s true that you’re never going to get a very upbeat album from Wu-Tang, this album’s whole sound seems targeted toward a more somber and laid back vibe. Of course, some of that has to do with the fact that ODB isn’t on the album. And his presence is missed because he could add a jolt of life to some RZA beats that seem to plod along. But the beats aren’t a problem at all here. A lot of people have complained that RZA lost his damn mind on the CD – but I’ll flip mctwerk it and say that those people have lost their minds. I think, if anything, RZA going off and doing soundtrack work has really helped him expand as a producer and the beats are the better for it.

“Campfire” is very ominous and a tone-setter for the album. Also, thankfully, Method Man has the opening verse on the album and he actually sounds interested for the first time in years (except for the Justin Timberlake reference – it seems forced). Ghostface and Cappadonna finish out the song – Ghost coming in and saying “On anything that RZA throw, Ironman’s invisible” gets me pumped up anytime. And Cappadonna used to drive a cab last year. Now that’s real.

I also love how jarring the beat on “Unpredictable” is – I think it would be perfect for a car or foot chase in a movie. And you know what? I think RZA envisioned a lot of these beats as accompanying movie scenes. I’ll bet money on it. Someone get him on the phone.

“The Heart Gently Weeps” was one of the more celebrated songs off of the album because of the supposed Beatles sampling, but even aside from that it’s a great song – Meth, Ghost, and Rae rap on it and all of them sound great. Ghost is in story telling mode and hearing his verse makes me feel ashamed that I’ve underrated him for so long. Hearing him tell a story is just absolutely fantastic – his mix of details (most of them absurd) with humor is perfect. (I’ve also gone back and listened to Ironman recently – it’s better than most albums released this year, you should get it if you don’t have it – don’t waste your 13 dollars on some other garbage). Oh, and one more thing – I don’t get what Rae’s problem was with this album. I’ve never really liked him that much – except for when he raps with Ghostface – but on this album he sounds incredibly on point in every verse. Don’t know what he’s mad about.

“Wolves” is incredibly weird with a sort of spaghetti-western/Kill Bill/tribal-chanting beat. U-God is on it and even though I hate his guts, he does a good job. Also, anything with George Clinton rambling incoherently is a winner in my book (see: PCU starring (bald) Jeremy Piven, Synthesizer by Outkast).

The only odd song is “Life Changes” which was supposed to be the ODB tribute. It just doesn’t sound that sincere. There’s not that much put into the verses and that’s a sad thing. Because if there was one thing ODB was all about, besides the children, it was putting everything you have into it.

At the end of the day, I’m just happy to have another Wu-Tang album. True, there isn’t a “Triumph” or “C.R.E.A.M” on here, but it’s still a solid CD.

3) American Gangster – Jay-Z


I’ve already slurped Jay-Z for this one and there isn’t a lot more that I can say about it. “Hello Brooklyn” still sounds great every time. I’ve gained a new appreciation for “American Dreaming,” “Pray,” and “Party Life.” I still listen to “American Gangster” every time I go running (it helps to listen to very fast music when your attempting to break the heralded sub-10 minute mark for a mile).

The lyrics on the album get better with each listen and I find myself catching something new each time. But I’ve recently faced a somewhat ethical dilemma with the album. Someone mentioned that it seemed kinda backhanded of Jay to do all that talking on Kingdom Come about how he was too grown up to be talking about selling crack, etc. and then he goes and puts out American Gangster. True, he said that he was just inspired by the movie to go back and talk about his crack slinging days, but come on – seems a little fishy right? I mean, just come out and say that you want to talk about this shit because it’s infinitely more interesting and because it sells records.

2) Graduation – Kanye West



Now here’s an album that I REALLY slurped. It’s still great though. But after a few months removed, I’ve gotten a better appreciation for it. Most notably, when Kanye messes up, he messes up big time. Going back and listening to the CD now, I have to skip “Flashing Lights” and “Drunk and Hot Girls” every time through. Also, “Big Brother” comes off a little too whiny and obnoxious now. And “Stronger” seems to get a little weaker with every listen (no pun intended).

But “Can’t Tell Me Nothing” gets better with every listen, and I mean every listen. The woman singing in the background gets stuck in my head for days at a time. And “The Glory” is still sick. My favorite line of the year might be “cameras flash so much that I gotta do the Yayo dance.” “Good Life” has kept its charm with T-Pain growing on me and “Barry Bonds” is such a simple song, but I listen to it all the way through every time it comes on and then I listen to it again.

1) The Cool – Lupe Fiasco


Hands down the best CD of the year.

I know “The Cool” was a song on Lupe’s debut CD, where he told the story of some hustler that died and then came out of his coffin and went back to the hood and then died again. The whole thing was absurd but it was told with such intensity and complete fluidity that you couldn’t help but be sucked in. And that’s the way it is with this whole CD.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard a rapper tell a story the way Lupe does and it is a breath of fresh air. Nowadays you are lucky if one verse on a song happens to stick to the same topic. Sometimes, your lucky if two lines a row make any sense when put together. The beauty of Lupe’s music is that he makes songs around concepts and he sticks to those concepts for the whole song. He tells stories with such intricate wordplay that it’s easy to get distracted for a minute and think, “Damn, I have to start this track over because I want to know everything that’s going on.” At least that’s the way I am. It just seems that he really put effort into these songs. And I don’t understand the whole concept of the album yet – I don’t know what “the cool” is or what “the game” is supposed to represent but I love hearing the songs within this album. Some reviews have said that the CD is a little disjointed and that may be the case, but I don’t mind.

I can’t go through this CD song by song and tell you which ones are hits and misses but the ratio is probably 90/10. And that's even more impressive when you consider the fact that there are 19 songs on the CD. I also can’t tell you which songs have the best lines because I’m constantly finding new ones (here’s a great one I found today – “they want me to leave my Dame like that dude from Marcy”). I will tell you that “Paris, Tokyo” is about love and longing, “Intruder” is about fear, “Superstar” is about potential, “Little Weapon” is about anger, “Dumb It Down” is about arrogance, “Gold Watch” is about bling and Streetfighter, and “Go Go Gadget Flow” is about rapping really, really fast.

The Dude and I had a conversation in college about why "conscious" rappers couldn't make music that people really enjoyed listening to. Lupe would probably fall into that "conscious" category, even though I'm hesitant to label him with that. And I think that The Cool answers a lot of the questions that we had. I mean, if you rap as well as he does on this album it really doesn't matter what you are talking about because it sounds so damn good. Not to get carried away, but Lupe transcends a lot of things on this album. I'm not sure what or how or if I can explain it to you. Just listen to the CD.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Albums I Need To Listen To More That Could Be Very Good:
1) Big Doe Rehab – Ghostface
2) Free At Last – Freeway
3) Underground Kingz – UGK
4) Eardrum – Talib
5) Finding Forever – Common

Albums That Were Awfully Disappointing:
1) The Solution – Beanie Siegel
2) TI v. TIP – TI
3) Curtis – 50 Cent
4) Carnival 2 – Wyclef

Singles of the Year:
1) Can’t Tell Me Nothing – Kanye
2) International Players Anthem – UGK and Outkast
3) Umbrella – Rihanna
4) I Get Money Remix – 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Diddy

Song Most Likely To Give “Since You’ve Been Gone” A Run For Its Money:
1) No One – Alicia Keys

Most Idiotic/Genius Song of the Year:
1) Crank Dat – Soulja Boy

REALEST/UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

ROW: That crazy bastard Jerry Moore has done it again. In a quote that has gone completely unnoticed for the last 3 months, under Sports Illustrated's newest "They Said It" section is this qem by Moore on why App. State couldn't celebrate beating Michigan for too long:

"We've got Lenoir-Rhyne coming to our place."

We feel like someone just threw a brick in our face. Has our program fallen so low that LeeAnn Rhymes is getting more respect than us?

UROW: Unless I'm missing something here, someone really, really messed up Gary Smith's unbelievable piece on Rob Jones - the grandson of Jim Jones (no, not that Jim Jones) that plays college basketball for San Diego.

Can anyone explain why his name is spelled "RobJones" - without a space - every time in print and online? We sure as shit can't. Either someone made the worst "find and replace" error of all time or we are dumber than a box of rocks.

Or both could be true.

(Editor's Note: To whoever put us on blast in the comments section, as if you couldn't tell from reading this blog, The Realests read on a 2nd grade level so take it easy on us. The word "glued" was too big for our vocabulary.)

I'M BAAAAAAACK (ALMOST)

Sorry for the delay. I've been chilling off the coast of St. Bartz with spider monkeys for the last few months.

I'm not built like Jim. I don't have that journalism bug flowing through my veins.

But here's what I promise you in the upcoming weeks.

1) Best Rap Albums of the Year
2) The Definitive Jay-Z
3) Thoughts on The Wire

HO HO HO...

Here at The Realests, Jim Jones is as much a holiday tradition as egg nogg, carols and Robin Byrd.

Please pass these along to all your loved ones.

I'm also happy to note that Varun and I are close to settling his blog strike that is now going on three months and plans to hire a scab have been put on hold - for now.

2007-08 BIG TEN PREVIEW: OHIO ST.

Chiggity check yourself before you wreck yourself - the Big Ten Preview is back! With just one week until the conference schedule kicks off, we've sent our preview into overdrive. Next up, the hated Ohio State Buckeyes. We really love this picture of Brutus kickin' it in the parking lot by himself. Almost as much as we love the timeline of Brutus' appearance (how much cooler was he without arms? Big mistake by tOSU...).

2006-07 Record: 35-4
Projected Finish: 3rd
Returning Starters: 1
Head Coach: Thad Matta
Best Player: Jamar Butler (13.5 PPG)

3 Reasons for Optimism:

1) Apparently 7-footers just grow on trees for Thad Matta. As soon as behemoth Greg Oden headed to the NBA, the Bucks brought in Kosta Koufos (Matt's also got another 7-foot stud in B.J. Mullens on the way). If you haven't seem him play, this guy is extremely raw. He struggled a lot early, but after an inspired performance against Florida (17 PTS, 10 REB), Koufos could be turning the corner.

2) Jamar Butler saved a spot on his arm for the Buckeyes' third Big Ten Championship - sadly, this is not a joke. Butler doesn't want to look like a damn fool for the rest of his life. Oops, too late.

3) Following in Jim Tressel's footsteps, Matta signed a 4-year extension with the Devil in late October. Seriously, how do these guys do it? The Buckeyes have a decent shot at making the tournament after two of their players went in the top 4 of the NBA Draft. And they already have two of the best recruits locked up for next year (Mullens, William Buford) and it's still December!

3 Reasons for Pessimism:

1) The losses to North Carolina and Texas A&M were disasters. The Bucks then got blown out by Matta's old school, Butler, by 19, and scored just 47 points against Coppin State the following game. Oh yeah, and this team lost to Division II Findlay in exhibition. Findlay!

2) Koufos was benched against against Coppin State for "lack of aggresiveness." You mean being a cooter? We've taken to calling him "Koufos the Doofus." The guy was flat-out embarassed by Texas A&M and North Carolina, combining to go 5-26 against the two. This guy's no Greg Oden. Right now, he's not even Nikoloz Tskitishvhili...

3) You think Koufos is a bust? Jon Diebler, the leading high school scorer in Ohio history (he averaged 40 points per game last year), has hit the pine after shooting 29% from the field. Why are people surprised when guys looking like this turn into busts?

Realety
Ohio State doesn't rebuild, they reload. We don't want to count the Bucks out because it was supposed to be a down year for the football team and they're playing for the national championship. The Florida game aside, this looks like an NIT team that will flirt with the NCAA bubble.

But they do have wins over the Gators and Syracuse on their resume and should be in the upper echelon of the Big Ten. And the Bucks have something only Michigan State can match - experienced point guard play. Expect Butler to carry this team on his back and be counted on in the clutch.

How crazy is it that the Big Ten could only be a two-bid conference this year? Yikes.

Obviously the Buckeyes don't want Koufos to suck, but his early struggles might force him to return to school which would make the Buckeyes loaded next year with David Lighty returning as well.

LEGION OF DOOM

Poor Bruce Weber. The guy's so desperate after letting blue chip recruits like Eric Gordon, Derrick Rose and Jon Scheyer (who now sucks, by the way) slipping out of his grasp that he's taken on Alex Legion.

We've already talked about him plenty here at The Realests and you've certainly heard about his mama, who loves talking college hoops with God (yes, The God).

This can only end badly. We foresee one of the following scenarios unfolding within the next year:

#1) Legion becomes BFFs with football stud Arrelious Benn and gets busted in a recruiting sex orgy thrown by Ron Zook for next year's incoming class. The sextape gets leaked onto the internet in which Benn and Legion take turns snorting coke off a stripper's ass.

#2) Legion goes Kermit Washington on Heir Jordan and sucker punches him in the face in practice, breaking Jordan's face in 38 places. Jeff ends up looking like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky and has to wear a facial prosthetic during games on top of a standard Rip Hamilton facemask. With almost 0 visibility, he finishes as a 3.2% shooter from the field and disgraces the family name.

#3) In two weeks, Legion calls Bruce Weber a "homo" for wearing the orange jacket and transfers to Southern Miss to play for party machine Larry Eustachy, who he considers a father figure.

#4) Legion calls Weber a homo (obviously, we think the chances of this are very high) and transfers to West Virginia. Unable to steal from WVU, Bill Martin looses his mind and spends the rest of his days getting fed tapioca pudding in the UM hospital.

#5) Legion never shows up in Champaign and instead sits out the year to prep for the NBA Draft. Legion's mom receives divine messages that there will be dire consequences if Legion is not taken with the No. 1 overall pick. After going undrafted, locusts mysteriously wipe out half the earth's population.

Let's hope it's one of the first four...



Bruce, what have you done???

MY TRIP TO GIANTS STADIUM

It's taken a couple days for the emotional scarring to heal from my trip to Giants Stadium for the Redskins-Giants game on Sunday.

If you've ever been to an NFL game - especially a night game - you know it's complete debauchery. I'd imagine the experience for a young kid is about as traumatic as seeing Channel 35 transvestites shake their dong in your face.

But what I witnessed Sunday night was above and beyond all my expectations for Giants fans, who recreated the 8th Circle of Hell. I would venture to say it was comparable to the 2002 Ohio State-Michigan game in Columbus.

In just 4 short hours I witnessed the following:

- A drunken wife nagging her husband to leave the game in the 3rd quarter, then accusing him of adultery once his phone rang. When the husband tried to ignore her, she started screaming, "No one wants a husband with a three-inch cock - HARD!"

No long able to block her out while she screamed about his ineptness in the bedroom, the husband screamed back: "Well no one wants a wife with tits down to her belly button!" He then stormed off, apparently leaving the stadium and leaving the wife to fend for herself and hitch-hike home.

On a side note, and you wonder why every kid you know from New York is nuttier than a fruit cake? (Except for you, The Dude. You're special.)

- Fans pelting each other repeatedly with snowballs like monkeys and multiple fights getting broken up by the Highlighter Jacket Crew - apparently this is a step forward from pelting players with snowballs.

- A handful of Sean Taylor jokes in the stadium, including one guy telling me to "Sit down, he's dead." Once we got on the bus, Giant fans busted out a full-blown chant of "Sean Taylor's dead! Sean Taylor's dead!" Strictly class and extra points for creativity.

- The guys in front of us so wasted that they started pouring vodka straight into their friend's hot chocolate, completely unaware that the steaming liquid was overflowing and dousing their friend's hands.

- The guy behind us screaming "Looking at Shockey lying on the field like a pussy!" while Shockey writhed in pain over his broken leg.

- A guy so wasted in the parking lot that he scaled a small mountain of snow, turning a piece of cardboard into a makeshift sled and wiping out on his ass. Undeterred, he turned to a waiting crowd screaming, "Who's next?! Who's next?!" To which everyone replied, "You are."

- A guy doing this:



OK, maybe not. But you can imagine if he did.

IT'S COMING.....

If you're like us, it's been an agonizing couple months since the Lost season 3 finale that almost made V run head-first into our TV. Our other roommate Dave has been singing "You Are Everybody!" in his sleep for 5 weeks straight.

While we regularly dispute which is the better TV show - Lost or The Wire - if you can't get excited after watching this trailer, you have no soul:




And we apologize for the light posting lately. There will be plenty of holiday blogging to make up for it, including the prestigious Realest of the Year award. Stay tuned.

REALESTS' MUSINGS ON COACH ROD HIRE

At long last, we break down the hiring of Rich Rodriguez in typical Realest fashion, which we give two enthusiastic thumbs up:

- Go ahead and say it: Black quarterback. It feels so good when it hits your lips!

Obviously no real journalist can write about how exciting this is, but Dec. 17, 2007 will go done in history as the date the Michigan QB color barrier came down. This isn't just a big day for Michigan, it's a big day for civil rights, people. Now let's not get too excited about Terrelle Pryor, but man this kid is sick. If we steal him from tOSU, you can officially score it as Rodriguez 1, Tressel 0. Insert obligatory YouTube clip here:



- I can't remember the last time I wore my Michigan hoody with pride. Losing 6 out of 7 to Ohio State seems like a distant memory and we can just laugh like Little Cletus about the upcoming slaughter to Florida.

I think the reaction of Ohio State fans to Rod's hire says it all. For weeks, my Buckeye brethren have been hounding me with text messages and phone calls ridiculing the apparent inevitability of Les Miles at Michigan. The reaction now? A bunch of text messages that just say, "Good hire." Yeah, they know Michigan-Ohio State just turned into a rivalry again.

- Bill Martin, you deserve a nice vacation - go sail around the world or something. We give our AD lots of and lots of shit, but this move just saved Michigan football. He updated to the 21st century and went outside the Michigan "family" - both viewed as necessary by Wolverine fans. Count us among the many that didn't think Martin had the walnuts to do either.

- Toodles Ryan Mallett and Mario Manningham. OK, Manningham was already gone (the early over/under for him running out of bounds in the Capital One Bowl is 12).

As for Mallett, you've got to feel bad for the kid. He came to Michigan thinking he'd be the next Tom Brady, showed some real flashes his freshman year, and now looks shit out of luck.

If Mallett was going to be a senior, this wouldn't be a problem. Rodriguez would adjust his offense and then have His Guy ready for Year 2. But with 3 years of eligibility left, why would Mallett want to be stuck in an offense that has 0 use for him as rumors swirl about getting benched for a blue chip QB that fits the system.

We predict Mallett will wind up at Arkansas (pig sooey!) or Texas, where he'd only to have to sit behind Colt McCoy for one year at most.

- No more "Us vs. The World" after a loss. The stories I've heard about Lloyd Carr make him a better man than even sappy columnists are now potraying him out to be. But I was sick and tired of his, "100 losses won't keep me down" BS. Get pissed for once, Lloyd! Although no good can ever come out of a loss to Dave Wannstedt, at least Rodriguez took it like a man.

- Is Rodriguez a little bit of a dirt bag? Yes. The names Pacman Jones and Chris Henry will follow Rodriguez forever, both of which he brought into Morgantown. And we've already blogged about criminal mastermind Pat Lazear, who ripped off a "Smoothie King" in Bethesda, Md. as a senior in high school and still got a scholarship to WVU.

While it reflects poorly on Rodriguez, this is a non-issue in regards to the hire. Bill Martin will be paranoid about keeping Michigan's good name; discipline will always be appropriate and no Pacmans will ever set foot in Ann Arbor.

- Michigan: 2009 National Champions. You heard it hear first. Led by the dynamic backfield of Armanti Edwards and Noel Devine, Michigan averages 700 rushing yards and 65 points per game en route to their 12th national championship. Book your tickets for Pasadena now, people.

- Thanks Herbstreit! I'm sure this topic will be beaten to death elsewhere, so we just want to give a big pat on the back to Herby for being the savior of Michigan football by turning the Les Miles interview process into a debacle.

Given the Bill Martin sailing story, we'll never know if Herbstreit is actually responsible for blowing up the Miles deal. Who cares? We get goose bumps thinking about upsetting tOSU next year, then watching Bucknuts heckle Herbstreit on the GameDay set afterward.

- Willie the Wolverine??? Rumors swirled last year that Willie Williams almost ended up at WVU. Could we be so lucky to see him in the maize and blue???? Hey, a Realest came dream...

- Hurt recruiting? Are you kidding? Lloyd Carr was a hell of a recruiter and he certainly left plenty of talent for Rod to work with - albeit lots of talent that doesn't necessarily fit Rod's system. Lloyd's incoming recruits - namely Kenny Demens, Sam McGuffie and "Boobie" Cissoko (OK, we just made that nickname up) all seem on board - and by the reaction of Pryor, who knows the kind of offensive talent we could end up with by February.

- A quick apology to all the Ray-Rays, Billy-Rays, Billy-Bobs, Billy-Joes and Billy-Johns (Billy-anything really) in West Virginia. Wasn't it bad enough when we beat the Mountaineers 130-0 in 1904? Now we had to go out and take their basketball and football coach? Hey, it's nothing personal Mounty fans. You know, we have always wanted a mascot... Eh forgot it, you can keep him.

TODD BOECKMAN LEAVING EARLY FOR NFL?!?!

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!!!

ESPN is reporting that of the 13 Buckeyes who requested information by the NFL on where they might be drafted is quarterback Todd Boeckman.

The Todd Boeckman that handed Michigan State 14 points in October?

The same super stiff that had 3 hideous interceptions against Illinois to blow OSU's perfect season?

The same doofus that Jim Tressel trusted to throw against Michigan's atrocious secondary just 13 times in "The Game" (granted, why pass when you can just run over us?).

THIS Todd Boeckman (skip to the 1:10 mark)?

Oh, I'm gonna puke...



So, let's see here. If Ohio State's all-world, Heisman-trophy winning quarterback went in the fifth round of last year's draft, where can we expect his no-talent ass clown backup to go?

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

If you've seen Season 4 of The Wire, you've undoubtedly seen the following clip of Senator Clay Davis and gone straight to YouTube looking for it. We did too. And the YouTube Gods have answered our prayers again.

This could be our happiest moment since finding Leeroy Jenkins.

Note: If you don't watch The Wire, what further convincing do you need?

REALEST OF THE WEEK

We almost named Bobby Petrino Realest of the Week for going AWOL on the hapless Falcons (don't worry, Bobby P will get another shot once he resigns after Darren McFadden goes pro).

We're glad we waited.

Don't worry, despite the image below, the ROW is not Rasheed Wallace - but rather Rip Hamilton. Running around behind Sheed and then doing the two-handed "I can't feel my face" move is nothing less than spectacular.

Is Rip the new Flavor Flav?

LES MILES IS A GORILLA

Will this soap opera ever end? The Detroit Free Press is reporting that - surprise! - Les Miles is still a candidate to replace Lloyd Carr. We're tired of discussing of this issue so we'll let Les bury himself with his Top 5 Moments of Douchery:

5. "I'LL PLAY ANY SUCKER IN THIS COUNTRY!"



Stop jockin' Bo's style, Les! Seriously, this is getting pathetic.

4. "LET 'ER RIP"



Gee, what a surprise Oklahoma State lost this game 52-9.

3. "HAVE A GREAT DAY"



What is this, some kind of cheap Elvis Presley impersonation? I wish we could cut down this clip down to the part where he just says, "Have a GREAT day" but YouTube has its limitations.

2. R-KANSAS?



How can we look Jim Harbaugh in the face when our coach can't even pronounce Arkansas? Bruce Madej is already dreading the Illinois game next year.

1. THE TIMEOUT



Yeah, just what Michigan needs. Another guy that doesn't know how to use a timeout. We'd venture to say even Willie Williams knows the clock stops on a change of possession. Well, maybe not.

REALESTS' DARKHORSE: JIM LEAVITT

We've had a lot of fun with Big Blue's coaching search so far but when Michigan gets turned down by the Rutgers football coach, you know we're in dire straits. Time to roll up our sleeves and get grimy with this issue.

Enter The Realests with the solution: USF's Jim Leavitt.

For all the talk about Big East coaches (Greg Schiano, Brian Kelly and prayers for Rich Rodriguez), I haven't heard Leavitt's name come up once.

Let us list the reasons this guy is one of the top 10 coaches in America:



#1) HE BUILT A PROGRAM FROM SCRATCH!

What Schiano and Kelly have done is great, but neither can touch Leavitt in terms of accomplishments at their schools. This program began in 1997, the same year Michigan last won the national title. Not jumped to Division I. Started from scratch. And just three years ago, USF went 4-7 as a member of Conference USA. Fast forward to 2007 and they're already a top 25 program. To build a powerhouse in Tampa, Florida of all places with the likes of Florida State, Florida and Miami all poaching your recruits, you have to be an incredible coach.

Ascending to #2 this year got everyone's expectations for the program way out of whack. In the span of a month, USF went from the Story of the Year to The Pretenders. So they dropped three in a row (at Rutgers, at UConn, Cincy). Considering they rallied to finish 9-3 and let's not forget - beat Auburn on the road and West Virginia - Leavitt should definitely still be considered a candidate for coach of the year.

And that's with star players like Matt Grothe, George Selvie, Jessie Hester, Nate Allen, Mike Ford and Carlton Mitchell all being underclassmen. This team will easily be ranked in the top 10 to start next year. Too bad you can't say the same about Michigan!

#2) HE'S INSANE

Did you see this guy on the sideline during the Rutgers game?



He's an absolute madman. We've grown accustomed to Lloyd's stone face as we commit mistake after mistake (with the occasional tantrum). It's time for fire and brimstone on the sidelines of the Big House, people.

And now Leavitt's about to pull a Bruce Pearl and "paint up" to support the basketball team. Let's just hope he doesn't start chewing out Stan Heath's players on the bench.

Granted, the statistics don't indicate the Bulls are a very disciplined bunch (ranked T-94 in turnovers and 117th in penalties - keep in mind Cincy was dead last in the NCAA), but would you want to make a mistake in front of this guy? We'll take our chances those statistics are flukes.

#3) THE SPREAD

Count us among the many Wolverine fans hoping to break into the 21st century with the spread offense. Obviously, it would be ill-suited for current QB of the future Ryan Mallett, but it's a move that would signify so much more to Big Blue Nation. In case you missed it, USF averaged nearly 36 points per game with this guy running their offense. I think we'd be OK.

Michigan averaged 10 points less (albeit against tougher defenses) with what was supposed to be the most explosive offense in the country.

#4) DEFENSIVE MASTERMIND

You think this guy has figured out the spread offense on defense? USF held West Virginia to 13 points - granted it doesn't look nearly as impressive after last weekend. South Florida's scoring defense was ranked right behind Michigan's (23 and 26, respectively), and found an absolute monster in George Selvie, who has 14.5 sacks. Imagine what Brandon Graham could become with Leavitt coaching him up...

And say goodbye to sitting on our heels and letting athletic quarterbacks run circles around us, as the man blitzes like crazy. His team also led the nation with 40 turnovers gained.

Flat out, the man has the balls of a bull.

#5) NO DRAMA

Hey, we love Brian Kelly as much as the next guy. But Bill Martin would never, ever hire him after the Central Michigan night club death controversy that included a comment by Kelly many called racist. Said Kelly:"A number of them were African Americans that had been in that culture of violence, and they're taught to look away. You don't want anything to do with it. Get out of there. You don't say anything to anybody."

To call him a racist is a huge knee-jerk reaction, but after dealing with Ed Martin, Bill must have nightmares of answering questions about this at Kelly's first presser.

Nick Saban's cheap shots aside, Leavitt has no such issues.


What's left to ponder?! Give this man a chance!!

JEWISH JORDAN BACK WITH THE BOZACKS

... And by bozacks we mean babies.

A day after devastating news about Courtney Sims, we are proud to announce that Tamir Goodman - a.k.a. The Jewish Jordan - has returned to the States to play for the Maryland Nighthawks of the "Premier" Basketball League.

From the same geniuses that brought you Sun Ming-Ming, the publicity-starved PBL just hit a grand slam by bringing home D.C.'s own Prodigal Son.

In case you forgot, Goodman was featured in Sports Illustrated in 1999, where he was given the now-infamous moniker. Well, things didn't exactly work out. He bailed on Maryland and played just one season at Towson before bouncing due to a rift with his coach. He's spent the last couple years overseas, most recently in Israel.

We applaud the Nighthawks' shameless self-promotion.

Goodman appears unphased that the Nighthawks also introduced two circus midgets and cyclops to the roster at the same press conference.

We also have it on good authority that Goodman was telling people off the record that, "By the time I'm done here, they'll be calling that other guy the Black Goodman."

V-FACE OUT IN INDY

We hate being the bearer of bad news, but Courtney Sims has been cut by the Pacers.

Needless to say, this is a travesty.

Clearly Jim O'Brien has a vendetta against Sims and is trying to blackball him from The League. We don't want to speculate here, but O'Brien's a fuckin' racist. Travis Diener, Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy and Jeff Foster all on the same roster? What is this, the Washington Generals?

Hang in there C.S., we're sure you'll land on your feet somewhere. Personally we'd like to see him end up on the D-League's Sioux Falls Skyforce, where J.C. Mathis is currently tearing shit up.

Talk about a devastating front court...

2007-08 BIG TEN PREVIEW: WISCONSIN

With just 3 teams left, we can officially see the light at the end of the tunnel for this Big Ten Preview. Bo Ryan has quietly built one of the nation's top programs but no one's picking the Badgers this year after losing Big Ten Player of the Year Alando Tucker and Chris Rock-look-alike Kammron Taylor.

2006-07 Record: 30-6 (13-3)
Projected Finish: 4th
Returning Starters: 3
Head Coach: Bo Ryan
Best Player: Trevon Hughes (18.2 PPG)

3 Reasons for Optimism:

1) Bo Ryan appears like just another old fart, but he might be the craziest mofo in the country as evidenced by his Soulja Boy dance and Hambone demonstration. We gotta admit, we thought UW was crazy when they hired Ryan. He was 3 years removed from coaching D-III hoops and was just 30-27 in his two years at Wisconsin-Milwaukee. We were wrong (marinate on that for awhile, you won't read it again for a long time).

2) Is Brian Butch finally living up to the hype? People don't seem to remember how highly-touted Butch was in high school. In 2003, He was ranked #11 by Scout.com and named to the McDonald's All-USA team along with Luol Deng, Mustafa Shakur and... wait for it... LeBron James. After redshirting, he went down freshman year with mono. Sophomore year Doug Gottlieb called him "the most overrated player in the Big Ten." And right when he was starting to bust out last year, this happened - look out below! Now Butch is nearly averaging a double-double and put up 24 and 13 in his season premiere. We're still skeptical.

3) Completely overlooked sophomore Trevon Hughes has exploded out of the shadow of Taylor and averaged 18 PPG over his first six games. He's also a solid defender (15 steals), as you would expect from Wisconsin.

3 Reasons for Pessimism:

1) Their trip to Cameron Indoor Stadium was very Michigan-esque. The Badgers only lost by 24 points, but were behind 48-25 at the half after shooting just 30-percent from the field.

2) Senior big man Greg Stiemsma is simply pathetic. Starting every game for the Badgers, Stiemsma is averaging 3 points per game, up from 2 PPG last year. This guy has got to go.

3) Michael Flowers mysteriously left the program for a couple weeks in October and has struggled since coming back (17 assists, 15 turnovers prior to last night).

Realety
This team just can't be as bad as they looked against Duke. Trevon Hughes is a big-time talent that is finally getting some playing time and Carl Landry and Brian Butch provide a lot of size and muscle in the paint. But with Greg Stiemsma and Joe Krabbenhoft in the starting lineup, there is 0 depth on this team. Expect the Badgers to struggle mightily as everyone focuses on Hughes and Butch.

But hey, this team always overachieves. They reached the Final Four with a goon squad (insert picture of Mark Vershaw here) and played a much more talented North Carolina team toe-to-toe in the Elite Eight two years ago.

Who knows, Bo Ryan might just be dancin' again come March:

ALEX LEGION: STILL THE DEVIL

Well that didn't take long.

Alex Legion is apparently "disgruntled" again as he's reportedly decided to transfer from Kentucky after a whopping six games. In his career with the Wildcats, Legion had 40 points and 10 turnovers.

At least he hasn't slammed Billy Gillispie on the way out the door like he did with Detroit Country Day coach Kurt Keener (although we're sure it's just a matter of time).

Hey, Tommy Amaker seems to be building a powerhouse at Harvard, maybe he'll end up there.

The kid could at least have the same class as O.J. Mayo and go out like this:

JASON WITTEN 1, CATO JUNE 0

Ah, we remember this play like it was yesterday.

I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of "What the fuck?" moments like this during the Capital One Bowl, except it will be Tebow instead of Witten outrunning our entire secondary. Totally sweet.

Man, Cato June was much slower without steroids:

THE NEVERENDING NIGHTMARE

Losing to Tommy Amaker? Dave Wannstedt sending Ohio State to the BCS title game? This is a new low, folks.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

No, not that crazy bitch.

This week's award goes to It from her show "I Love New York 2" - which has finally taught us where we can find love (the closest either of us ever came before was an orgy with a Mayari tribesman and Finnish dwarves).

During today's marathon on VH1, New York asks It if he's in love with her. A exchange for the ages ensues:

It: How would I know if I want to be with you for the rest of my life when I've only been with you for a week?

New York: The rest of them don't know that but they took a gamble, they took a shot at me.

It (in confessional): I can't say that I love you. We never ate chicken wings outside on the bench or french fries on a bench in the projects. Know what I'm saying?

Seriously, New York - no wonder you still haven't found love after 3 reality shows...

P.S. Where are the YouTube Gods when you need them?

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

How can you ever forget these puss bags from the early 90s collectively known as Mr. Big? Seeing at it has been 15 years since they were a One Hit Wonder, we thought this would be a good time to put them on blast. We swear there is a female voice double at the end of this video.