UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

Lost in all the A-Rod controversy the last couple years is that Kobe Bryant was once considered the biggest fake in sports.

This doesn't help:



For one thing, that form is just a disaster. That looks less like the Roc Diamond and more like a female part of the anatomy.

Then again, maybe Bean is doing that on purpose...

REALEST OF THE WEEK

This isn't an LSD flashback: That's actually Mike "The Miz" in the ring at a recent WWE event trash-talking Alfonso Soriano and Soriano just takin' it.

Hey Alfonso: Go up there and smash a chair over his head!!

(Skip straight to 3:00...)

REALEST OF THE WEEK

This kid's an animal, folks:

IT SUX TO BE A MICHIGAN WOLVERINE

2,000 days - and counting - since Michigan last beat Ohio State...



On a side note, it's been 14,574 days since the guy who counted this up had a life.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

You know we love Bird.

But this is the first picture we've seen fully detailing his tattoos and all we can say is, "Wow."

"What would go well with Chinese symbols and a dog collar tattoo? How about bird wings coming out of my arm pits!"

Well, it could be worse.

ARE WE REALLY GOOD AT BASKETBALL???

Or has Andy Katz just lost it?

According to his most-recent 2009-10 Top 25, Michigan is #9 in the country.

#9!!!!

Our first reaction was:

- The John Beilein media hype machine has spun out of control

- We are getting way, way too much credit for beating a Clemson team that collapsed at the end of the year

And yet, when you look at the teams around us, it isn't that far fetched - which says more about the state of college basketball than how good Michigan will be next year. Though we will say that Ohio State and Illinois should both be ranked ahead of us since they went a combined 4-1 against us.

Think these seats are still available in Lucas Oil Stadium???

GREG ROBINSON PRAISE KEEPS POURING IN

Did you note the sarcasm there?

Found this excerpt interesting from an SI article on the Syracuse spring game. Said junior center Jim McKenzie after singing the school fight song with his teammates afterward:

"That was the first feeling of a unified team that I've had in a long time."

Uh, that's not a good sign when the Michigan defense was already pointing fingers at each other and taking swings at coaches by the end of last season.

REALEST OF THE WEEK: TUPAC SHAKUR

Man, who could foresee 2Pac's return coming at a Wizards-Celtics game? From Wednesday:


HT: Barstool Sports

AN ABSOLUTE MUST-READ

The story of wonderboy Todd Marinovich and his Daddy Dearest father, Marv.

This is some mind-blowing shit - and not just because Marinovich has been dropping acid for the last 20 years straight.

SPEAKING OF BALLS IN THE FACE....

This certainly won't help the rumors Anderson Cooper's hiding in the closet:

"It's hard to talk when you're tea-bagging."



I love Old Man River laughing his ass off as if to say, "Oh Anderson: You homo..."

MICHIGAN'S NEXT QB: GREG PAULUS???

This feels like our April Fools' joke, but we assure you it is not: Greg Paulus could be Michigan's starting quarterback this fall (FoxSports.com).

OK, it's definitely time for the Nic Cage Triplets Face:



So he's had more balls in his face over the last 4 years than Kobe Tai (as evidenced here, here, here and here).

And yes, we're already on the Tate Forcier bandwagon after one beautiful touchdown pass in the Spring Game.

But this is a GENIUS move by Rich Rodriguez. We don't have any more insight into Paulus' game than what you're already reading: He was unreal in high school and would be a perfect fit for the spread.

All we have to say right now is that it's about time Dick Rod started finding loopholes to exploit (seriously, what were we paying you for???) and we need all the QBs we can get when this dude's our backup.

Oh, and if this pisses off the rest of the coaches in the Big 10, all the better.

We are SO back.

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE WEEK

You gotta love Ludacris' message in this one:

"Something go wrong? Punch someone in the face!"

THE NEW HOTNESS

Yeah, this is gonna be funny:



We love that after Borat people were saying, "I don't think he'll be able to do another movie now that he's so famous." Hello, do you realize how many morons there are in this world???

Let's hope he was able to track down these dudes:

KANYE WEST DONE BEING A DOUCHE?

Well it only took Kayne West 5 years to realize his Monster Ego act had worn thin. After getting put on blast by "South Park" last night, he posted this message on his blog:

"AS LONG AS PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME. I GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE I'M NOT ACTUALLY A HUGE DOUCHE BUT I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE."

Easy on the Caps lock, 'Ye!

But seriously, it's quite refreshing to see a prima donna come out and call himself a douche these days. Maybe someone else can take Kanye's lead...

NCAA TOURNAMENT TOP 5 MOMENTS

Very disappointing tournament full of blowouts and favorites. But don't worry: We boiled down the Dance to the Top 5 moments for you:

5. From Way Downtown - Bang!



4. Good-son to the Last Drop



3. "Onions! Double Order!"



2. Scottie Too Hotty



1. Whale Porn



Was there ever any doubt?

See you all next year.

HE DID IT AGAIN? HATERS NO LIKE

That's it: We're buying Knick tickets for tomorrow night's game.

I mean how often can you go to Madison Square Garden and chant "MVP! MVP! MVP!" - well aside from when LeBron and Kobe are in town??

Now you can do it every night folks, because Courtney Sims has been named D-League MVP!!!

Forget that this title is somewhere between Ohio State valedictorian and being a bastard child of Shawn Kemp in terms of prestige - you've gotta give it up for Sims working his ass off the last couple years.

This is going to sound like blasphemy, but is Courtney Sims right now better than Greg Oden?

Yeah, we said it.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Well this should cheer Sparty fans up:

Paul Davis on the Millionaire Matchmaker.

You can't make this stuff up.

Wait, was Paul Davis just described as a "basketball sensation"? I just made the Nic Cage "Triplets?!?!?" face.

Next, someone needs to look into Paul Davis's finances. A millionaire? We think not.

And you know you're in trouble when the orange lady from Millionaire Matchmaker is saying you have 0 personality:

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

"Not poop, coach - anything but poop!!!!"

Oh women's basketball.

That reminds us...

THE RETURN OF C.T.

There was really only one way for MTV to redeem itself after disastrous experiment known as "The Island" and the worst Real World season ever:

C.T. jacking people in the face.

From the man that brought you "I will work you, dog!!!!" - behold:



That's what I'm talkin' about!!!!!

See you next Wednesday at 10 PM.

BREAKING NEWS: XAVIER HENRY TO MICHIGAN!

How's that to pick up your day???

In "Fuckin' Shitballs!!!" news, Jason King of Yahoo! has literally just broken news that the nation's #1 basketball recruit, SG Xavier Henry, has already bailed on Memphis with the departure of John Calipari and will instead become a MICHIGAN MAN!!!

Henry's father, Carl, has confirmed the report.

Apparently, Xavier became enamored with Big Blue while watching the Dance and had an impromptu 30-minute talk with Johnny B after hearing about Cal-to-Kentucky.

Oh, and it didn't hurt he LOVES the Fab Five.

Said Carl: "Xavier's already got his black socks picked out."

A press conference is scheduled at 4:00 PM for his Oklahoma City High School, which will be broadcast live on ESPNEWS.

(FYI: It's pronounced "Zah-vee-A", not Xavier like the school - better get used to saying it!)

Needless to say, this is the biggest recruiting haul since the Fab Five and instantly puts Michigan in the 2010 national title hunt. Now please pardon us while we go barf up our Pop Tart.

Savor this link, people. (Yahoo!)