It hurts me to have to go after the blog's #1 supporter..but I'm doing it for his own good.
Zubin has recently said that he can do a better Almeida impression than me. Now, I seriously doubt this. And I do not appreciate the blatant disregard for everything that I have accomplished!!
I think Jay said it best:
"Y'all better learn to respect the king
Don't be the next contestant on that Summer Jam screen."
We will make a movie when you're here - and Zubin practice your Edgar impression...
1.31.2006
Respect the King
Back for the first time!!!
That's right...
Streets is talkinga about our blog resurgence. Type in the "the realests" in google and our blog is the first link to pop up. Are we finally getting the recognition that we deserve, or are we still being dissed by the mainstream media (much like the Pistons...) Regardless - our push for a million hits by the end of the year continues...
24: Realest Style
We've decided to take our future into our own hands. Since the mainstream American film industry has decided to blackball us, we're doing this guerilla style. We'd like to offer you an advance screening of our first short film.
Filmed on an extremely low budget with life-threatening conditions, we managed to capture the essence of the script, our lives, and our experiences. Even with a studio/roommate who didn't want to see a successful production and a lead actor/dog that was incredibly hungry and refused to cooperate, our brave cast and crew managed to dig deep and really find their inspiration.
We hope you enjoy the movie in its unedited form. Soon enough we will have it up with full edits. Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you - "24: Realest Style"
Cast
Jack Bauer - The Realest
Scared Hostage/CTU Operative - Wall Pablo
Tan Tony Almeida - The Realest
Insane Terrorist/Dog - Woodrofolous the Dog
Credits
Script - The Realests + Wall Pablo (special thanks to Droffo)
Cinematography - The Realest
Director - The Realest
Special Thanks
This would have never happened without the following people:
24, Bauer, Almeida, Droffo, Coach
Enjoy....
24: Realest Style
1.30.2006
Super Bowl Week
Welcome to the D bitches.
Well, Super Bowl Week is finally here and The Realests are bracing for a week of whiny sports writers complaining about Detroit's weather; lack of a night life; rampant homelessness, poverty, and drug use; and proximity to Canada.
Usually, this is the type of thing that we would laugh at - indeed, its probably the type of thing that we would encourage.
But not this time.
By the way, the Pistons are 37-5. I predict we go on a 40-0 run to end the season. Then we win the championship. And we trade Darko for Ricky Davis.
Oh, by the way, I do a great Tony impersonation...stay tuned in the next couple of days for video of it.
1.28.2006
January's Realest
It is with a heavy heart that we announce Chris Anderson as January's Realest. C.A. was booted from the NBA on Thursday after failing his FIRST drug test. He will have to wait two years until he can reapply.
C.A. was the Vanilla Ice of the NBA. All those tattoos and gang signs, but nothing to back it up. He is best remembered as the guy that got stuffed by the rim in an All-Star slam dunk contest (it took him eight tries to complete his first successful dunk).
We can only hope Anderson doesn't end up on the mean streets of Texas and start gang banging again... 
Only C.A. could turn a nickname like "The Birdman" into a gang sign... 
1.18.2006
Year of the Dog
Also if you know us, you know we are huge DMX fans. Seeing that it actually is the year of the dog, we are expecting big things for D. Starting the year in jail after pretending to be an FBI agent and talking about how he wanted to kill people at Def Jam or himself a couple years ago (hey X, wasn't that when I interned there?). We give you the favorite for 2006 Realest of the Year:
Copyright 2006 Sun Media Corporation
Edmonton Sun (Alberta)
January 14, 2006 Saturday
FINAL EDITION
SECTION: ENTERTAINMENT; Pg. 65
LENGTH: 393 words
HEADLINE: RAPPER DMX IS OUT OF JAIL AND OUT OF JAM
BYLINE: BY BILLBOARD
DATELINE: NEW YORK
BODY:
Newly released from New York's Rikers Island after serving more than two months for violating the terms of a plea deal, rapper DMX has parted ways with longtime label Def Jam and signed a new, three-album deal with Sony Urban.
His new album, and first studio release in three years, Here We Go Again, is expected to reach stores this summer.
The artist, whose real name is Earl Simmons, explained that he reached an impasse at Def Jam. "I wasn't really happy there," he told Billboard during a series of interviews last month at Rikers Island. "Recording was like work."
Simmons said he and current Def Jam president/CEO Jay-Z could not work together. "We're both too big," he said. The album was originally recorded for Def Jam, and Sony Urban bought the rights to it as part of Simmons's deal. However, only a handful of the original songs will be on the final release. Def Jam declined to comment on the subject for this story.
Simmons was imprisoned after being arrested on two different occasions last year for driving incidents. The arrests violated the terms of a deal struck in 2004 after he crashed his car through a parking gate at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport after taking Valium.
DMX is the only rapper to have all five of his studio albums debut at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 and go multi-platinum. The artist is known for mixing the sacred and the profane in his rhymes, balancing his roughness with a deeply religious side.
In addition, Simmons has three movies in the works, including the indie film The Last Hour with David Carradine and Michael Madsen, as well as a reality TV series.
The artist recalled that in 2003, he reached a personal crossroads. His DMX side was fed up with the business. "I either wanted to kill someone, or myself." After releasing the album Grand Champ and promoting his box-office hit Cradle 2 the Grave, he announced that he would devote himself to his spirituality. He wanted to become a preacher. Simmons sighs and points a finger to the sky. "Problem is, I never heard the call," he said.
It was Simmons's friend Mase (a.k.a. pastor Mason Bertha, one of the few successful rappers to date to turn preacher) who talked him out of retirement. "Mase told me I have to do what I can with the talent the Lord has given me," Simmons said. "The Lord will call me when he wants me to do something different."
GRAPHIC: photo by AP DMX plays with his dog Gotti yesterday following the announcement of his record label change to Sony.
LOAD-DATE: January 14, 2006
1.17.2006
Sports Guy Brings Bozacks
If you know us, you know we aren't huge Sports Guy fans. But he is funny, and nothing is better than his recent column about Isiah Thomas:
"Well, now I have a new career highlight: During a New York radio interview Monday, Isiah Thomas threatened to make trouble for me. Talking to Stephen A. Smith he said, "I'm gonna tell ya...if I see this guy Bill Simmons, oh, it's gonna be a problem with me and him ..." I thought it was ironic he threatened me on Martin Luther King Jr. Day -- I'm sure MLK would have been proud. Given that this was the same guy who sucker-punched his best friend on the Pistons (Bill Laimbeer) during the 1992 season, I am thinking about travelling with a full-time bodyguard, or at the very least a can of mace or one of those tasers that you can get in a stalker catalog."
Forget Kobe Beef, it's time for Shaq-Bynum
It's time for Shaq-Bynum. Please find a clip of Lakers center Andrew Bynum flossing on Shaq in last night's game, followed by Shaq jacking him in the face. Bynum's face is priceless: he doesn't even look at Shaq even though Shaq just disrespected him. Then Kobe comes in like he is breaking up a fight between his two best friends. And remember, on draft day, Bynum said he was like Shaq, but could hit his FTs. This beef will be far more entertaining than Kobe and Shaq ignoring each other.
1.16.2006
Realest of the Week
Sorry ya'll - we were so excited about 24 we forgot to post. The Realest of the Week just so happens to be our favorite agent, Jack Bauer. [Thanks to the Realests' right hand man and truly loyal reader, Zubin, for pointing this one out].
From the Sunday Mirror (UK):
20-FLOORED
AND IF YOU THINK YOU MADE A FOOL OF YOURSELF LAST NIGHT.. Boozed-up 24 star Keifer flat out in hotel lobby after wrecking Xmas tree on 7-hour bender with pals
By Michael Duffy And Emily Miller
NO it didn't take 24 hours...seven was more than enough for Hollywood hellraiser Kiefer Sutherland.
Movie heart-throb Kiefer, 39, who stars in the hit thriller series 24, was laid flat-out on his back on the floor of a hotel lobby after a marathon booze bender with pals.
Moments earlier Sunday Mirror reporters watched in amazement as he charged into a 12ft Christmas tree, sending it crashing to the floor. The party was finally called off at 5.30am by hotel security - when guests starting arriving for BREAKFAST.
Our reporters met up with Kiefer on Thursday evening at London's trendy Borderline club for a gig by rock singer Rocco Deluca, who he's managing.
Kiefer - son of Hollywood great Donald Sutherland - took a shine to our girl Emily when he literally bumped into her at the show. He apologised, saying: "I'm so sorry, so, so, sorry."
Later our reporters joined him and his crew at the modest, £79-per-night Strand Palace Hotel in the West End... where the drinking REALLY began.
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He and his band ordered in tray after tray of whisky, beer, gin and wine - all on the star's bill.
Filled with a little too much festive spirit, Kiefer pulled Emily towards him to show off his latest tattoo - a string of mystic symbols on the inside of his forearm.
"Sit down and take a look," he slurred. "It says 'I trust you to kill me'. It's the name of Rocco's new album. To me that also means 'F**k you' - there's a lot of disrespect bound up in it."
At 2am bar staff refused to serve any more alcohol. Undaunted, Kiefer persuaded management to let them loose in the lobby.
He ordered yet more booze on room service, then staggered around the entrance hall, entertaining pals with a bizarre, flailing breakdancing routine.
It was then that a huge Christmas tree caught his eye.
"I hate that f***ing Christmas tree," he declared. "The tree HAS to come down."
Kiefer warned staff: "I'm smashing it - can I pay for it?"
A staff member replied: "I'm absolutely sure you can, sir."
The Lost Boys star - famously ditched by Julia Roberts five days before their wedding in 1991 - then hurled himself into the Norwegian Spruce, sending baubles and lights crashing to the ground. Pulling pine needles out of his hair and t-shirt, he said to a hotel employee: "Ooh sorry about that...you're so cool. This f***ing hotel rocks."
A friend then tried to coax swaying Kiefer to go to bed...but he made a beeline for our team.
Tears welling in his eyes, he revealed how disappointed he was at the half-hearted applause for his band earlier in the evening. "It was b****cks," he said. We've played in a lot of other places and they were going nuts for this sh*t.
"In this world you have to share something with the f***ing band."
Still up for some banter, he lurched up to Australian-born reporter Michael Duffy, shaking him violently by the hand.
He repeatedly addressed him as "You f***ing Aussie c**t". He kissed Michael's close-shaven head before grabbing Emily's hand and stroking her shoulder.
"Oh don't go, don't go," begged Kiefer, now single after splitting from his long-term lover, artist Catherine Bisson, last year. "I've got a crush on you."
When she declined his advances, he stumbled along the halls of the hotel's eighth floor - before eventually finding the door that fitted his key and calling it a night.
michael.duffy@sunday mirror.co.uk
1.03.2006
2005 REALEST OF THE YEAR
Finally, it is upon us. There were a lot of worthy people out there (Jay-Z in particular), but we had to give it to a bum in Arizona. This guy trained a mouse to ride a cat to ride a dog. It was a level of realness unparalleled in 2005.
Unfortunately, it is DMX - not the Jigga Man - that best summarizes our choice for Realest of the Year.
"What do you do when you find out in the
hall there's a rat, what do you do when
you find out that your dog is a cat?"
Mouse-Cat-Dog
1.02.2006
Higher Education Institution or Penitentiary Preparation Center?
Loyal Readers,
Apparently Maurice Clarett reads The Realests and he is furious at being left out of the running for 2005's Realest of the Year. Now, Clarett had an off year in 2005 - no one can dispute that - he made the pros but then got the ax from Shanahan and the Broncos. It must have torn him apart that he couldnt stay on the team long enough to do some truly stupid stuff in the NFL. Luckily, there is plenty of stupid stuff you can do when you arent in the NFL.
At least Charles Woodson hasn't resorted to a life of crime yet.
This is a good sign for The Realests - on only the first day of 2006, we already have a very strong nominee for Realest of the Year.
Thanks to THE Ohio State "University," Jim Tressel, Maurice Clarett's mom, and the bar owner who identified Clarett.
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