WHERE IN THE WORLD IS: ERNEST SHAZOR?

Congratulations to Notre Dame's Darius Walker for winning this year's Ernest Shazor Award which annually goes to the biggest dope for coming out too early. Like Earnest, Walker went undrafted despite being one of the highest rated recruits coming out of high school and having a solid college career.

That got us thinking about Old Ernest and his whereabouts and what we discovered was a little shocking.

From the Orlando Sentinel:

Still AWOL
The mystery surrounding DB/LB Ernest Shazor continued Saturday.

The team (AFL's Orlando Predators) had signed the University of Michigan alumnus and former Arizona Cardinals player to a free-agent contract on Dec. 12, but Shazor never reported for the Preds' training camp. Worse, Preds officials have no idea where he is and why he didn't show up.

"I don't know anything about him," Gruden said. "His agent doesn't know where he is. Nobody knows where he is. We had an All Points Bulletin out for him. Hopefully, he's OK, because it's just really odd."

It's never good when a team has to send out an APB on a recent addition. Well, that article was written in February and no media outlet has written a story about Ernest since then. Nor is he on the Predators' roster. We hope Ernest is doing OK and turns up soon. If anyone has heard a rumor about where he might be, please give us a heads up.

WE LOVE NEW YORK

Well, New York City in the spring time is one of the greatest things in the world. Spring time everywhere is awesome, but New York City just has a special something.

A few days ago I was walking through Union Square on the way to the gym and I saw a homeless guy outside of the Virgin Megastore. Now, that in itself is not a huge deal. But, the guy's sign said the following:

Homeless - Family killed by ninjas - Need money for kung fu lessons - or food

Needless to say, I went to the bank, emptied my checking and savings account and gave that guy all the money. Then we wailed on our guitars!

We recently mentioned the idea of the Forbes' Bottom 100 List. The homeless ninja victim is a clear cut favorite at this point. Our message to the rest of the homeless? Step your game up. Holla.

ANDERSON COOPER & CAM'RON: A KILLA DUO

Just when you thought Cam'ron and Dipset couldn't get any dumber... well you know the rest. Unfortunately CBS News won't allow this interview on snitchin' to be embedded, but here is a transcript:

Anderson Cooper: If there is a serial killer living next door to you though and you know that person is killing people, would you be a snitch if you called police and told them?

Killa Cam: If I knew the serial killer was living next door to me? No, I wouldn't call tell anybody on him... but I'd prolly move. But I'm not gonna call and be like, "The killer is in 4E."

Genius, Cam. Genius.

IT'S OFFICIAL: ALEX LEGION IS A DOUCHE

This will be the last time you see Alex Legion in a Michigan jersey, as he is now headed to Kentucky. As stated over a year ago, the guy is a huge prick who had the nerve to say he was "disgruntled" after his junior year at Detroit Country Day before taking off for Oak Hill. Good riddance!!!

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Warning: This is NOT a parody.

Last Monday, "A Man Among Wolves" premiered on the National Geographic channel. For those that missed it, it's basically a Steve Irwin wanna-be gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Let's just say Planet Earth looks like dog shit compared to this:



Note: Does this guy eating raw meat with the wolves remind anyone of Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls, when Jim Carrey starts eating a zebra with a pack of lions?

BALLIN' WITH JIM JONES COMMENTARY!!!!

How many DVDs have you bought with the "Commentary" feature that are just the actors and director slap-dicking it through the film like the Michigan hockey team?

Not Jim Jones.

He breaks it down - calling out all the hates while smoking a blunt and snackin' on some grub.

You put this clip as a picture-in-picture on top of the music video and I guarantee he goes platinum in DVD sales as well.

And for the record, Jim Jones stole our smirk!!!

THE LEGEND OF TYREE RICARDO DAVIS IV

Another day, another almost-too-good-to-be-true story about Ricky Davis. From the Sports Guy's latest column:

"By the way, if we're keeping count this decade, Ricky leads the league in "crazy partying stories that have been passed around by everyone who follows the league but can't be confirmed by a firsthand witness who was actually there." He started taking on Bill Brasky proportions about three years ago.

My buddy's a trainer for the Grizzlies. ... He went out with Ricky Davis and some friends in Memphis a few years ago before a game, Ricky Davis dragged everyone over to Graceland, drank 19 bottles of Patrone and eventually tried to set the Elvis memorial on fire! And he played the next night and nearly put up a triple-double!"

First of all, "Patron" is spelled wrong. Second, I find it pretty hard to believe Rick Diesel drank 19 bottles of it. But hey, we'll give Ricky the benefit of the doubt on this one.

By the way, has there ever been a more fitting song for a highlight clip?

GREATEST/WORST COMEBACK OF ALL TIME

Today was just another example of browsing YouTube and seeing a video that leaves you going, "How have I never seen this before?!"

For those like me, here is the 1994 Texas H.S. State Championship Game in which Plano East and John Tyler pull off the two of the biggest choke-jobs ever.

The Plano East announcers are just classic with their "Good-gosh-almighty" slang, especially the repeated "OH NO! OH NO!" at the end (not to mention: "I done went in my pants!"). Oh by the way, the John Tyler "hands team" is the Chicago Black Sox of high school football.

We can't confirm this, but we think this video was cut off right before they used the "N word."

Take a look:

POLITICS AS USUAL

We want you all to know that it's not just video games, Jay-Z, and Waverly Diner around here. The Realests take the time to parse through the pressing political issues of the day. We just choose to refrain from commenting most of the time because we assume our readers are smart enough not to listen to anything that we say. But we have a few things that we'd like to discuss briefly:

The 2008 Presidential Race

The race for the White House is starting up earlier than ever. We really haven't formed many opinions at this point, but we will at some point. Vote or Die, fools. Actually, on second thought, we have nothing important to say here. We'll let Chris Rock do it.



Don Imus

The guy is an idiot. He should have been fired. And all the people who are proclaiming free speech really have the argument all wrong. He was fired for what he said and that is perfectly fine because it was public pressure that brought him down and not some sort of government-imposed censorship. The First Amendment protects us from the Government, not each other. I like how Wilbon approached the topic.

And to the people, who are arguing over whether the comments were more racist or more sexist - you people are idiots too. How dare you sacrifice the revolution with your petty in-fighting?!?!

Steve Spurrier

Spurrier wants the Confederate flag taken off the State Capitol building. We applaud the fact that Spurrier doesn't think that the glorification of the brutal Confederate regime is something that should occur in the 21st century. This increases our total of people from/in South Carolina that we like. That list includes Kevin Garnett, Ken's family, and now, Steve Spurrier.

BIENVENIDO A ORLANDO

Well, it's official: Kevin Grady tore his ACL and is out for the season.

As we said yesterday, losing Grady doesn't hurt that much because he doesn't do that much. We're sure that even with a hurt ACL, he could still run into the offensive line and fall down. But if Mike Hart gets hurt, we might as well book our plane tickets to Central Florida for the Bowl Season.

Editor's Note: Given the rash of spring practice injuries in the last few years, we think that Ohio State Buckeye linebackers have been masquerading as Michigan men and participating in spring drills. The coaches should have realized something was wrong when the linebackers were consistently and easily making routine open field tackles.

REALEST OF THE WEEK: JAMEER NELSON

With the NBA Playoffs right around the corner, every teams is jockeying for position and trying to get a first round matchup that will be favorable to them. While, every team except for the Orlando Magic. We'll let Jameer Nelson's words speak for themself - here are his quotes on wanting to play the Detroit Pistons in the first round (via Need4Sheed):

I know we can beat them. I know we can. I think we can beat them in a series. We just got to figure them out.

The beauty of the quote lies in the fact that the Pistons swept the season series with the Magic (4-0). The realness of the quote lies in the fact that Nelson seems to be completely out of touch with reality - why would you want to do something that you've clearly been unable to do so far? Wouldn't you rather play someone that you know how to beat? Nevertheless, we respect Nelson's steez - if you're gonna go down, you might as well go down to the eventual 2007 (and 2008, 2009, 2010) NBA Champions.

We try to stay away from cliche quotes around here, but this seems like an apt time.

Being friends means never having to apologize. And being Real means never having to apologize for not having any connection to reality.

Editor's Note: I'm not sure if those last few sentences made any sense. But do I care? No.

Real.

GRADY TRAIN WRECK

Unconfirmed rumors suggest that Kevin Grady might have torn his ACL and miss the entirety of the 2007 season.

Of course, Michigan fans are going to get their panties in a bunch and bemoan the loss of great Michigan talent. But they forget two things.

First, Mike Hart is pretty freaking sweet and the rest of our offense is stacked. Second, when Grady has played recently, his whole contribution has been running directly into the offensive line and falling down.

Go Blue!

Editor's Note: We decided to leave you all with a picture from last season to remind you of how awesome our football team is.

HARVARD: THE MICHIGAN OF THE EAST

Finally, there's a little evidence to back up that statement.

Ladies and Gentleman, introducing Harvard's new men's basketball coach...Tommy Amaker!

We wish Tommy well. His mock turtlenecks will fit in perfectly at Harvard. And, if anyone can make Tommy's swirly finger offense work, it's the smart kids at Harvard.

You think the Princeton Offense revolutionized the college game? Just wait until T.A. unleashes the "Harvard Offense."

Go Crimson!

IS BEING REAL NO LONGER... REAL?

You never know what is going to come out of a rapper's mouth. Who knew Mims could go platinum with a line like "I'm hot cuz I'm fly and you ain't cuz you not"?

And Redman is a pretty absurd individual considering one of his best songs has baboons screaming in the background.

But nothing prepared us for this Redman quote in an interview by The A.V. Club:

"I'm the kind of guy that—fuck 'keep it real' and all that bullshit. I keep it me."

First of all, we are all now dumber for reading that quote and may God have mercy on Redman's soul. And second, was he "keeping it me" when he appeared in Seed of Chucky? But Varun has a point, is this the ultimate flip?

Only time will tell...

JIMMY KIMMEL, OUR NEW HERO

Man Jessica Coen is lucky she left Gawker before Kimmel could get ahold of her. Still, we are glad some brat got grilled on national TV. Someone do us a favor and count the eye rolls in here:

JOAKIM NOAH MUST CONTINUE

Sorry for the confusion but I would like to distance myself from Jim's position on Joakim Noah. In addition to being the Shane Battier for a new generation of kids, Noah has miraculously managed to blend a unique style of being straight hood into his repertoire. I, for one, hope that Noah keeps talking and dancing forever.

JOAKIM NOAH MUST BE STOPPED

Not to be un-PC, but we think Joakim Noah is actually retarded. This isn't like Shelden Williams incidentally looking like he has Down Syndrome. Like Colie from "The Real World," when you watch Noah and listen to him speak, there is no other conclusion than this guy is nearly braindead.

NOAH SPEAKING


NOAH DANCING

REALESTS' REACTION TO BEILEIN HIRING

We’re obviously disappointed Rudy T. got the shaft, but we can’t complain about John Beilein. At least we won’t run the swirly play on offense anymore and that's all we really asked. That and winning the NIT Tournament, which Beilein also just did.

But just one last thing about Rudy. While I do recall Bo Schembechler saying “I want a Michigan man to coach Michigan” – I don’t recall him saying “I want a West Virginia man to coach Michigan.” Just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Also, can’t Rudy T. at least get a job as a Michigan scout. Beilein is certainly gonna need the help walking into a Detroit gym and trying to sell the “Fab Five” image to the next punk like Alex Legion.

Also, it’s only a matter of time until Beilein gets busted for his in-breeding recruiting scandal. I mean, how many Pittsnogles and Ganseys can come through Ann Arbor before somebody gets suspicious.

Oh well, I guess we can worry about that later. Go Blue!

WHO'S GOT THE GANGSTA, GANGSTA SHIT?

For all the crappy uniforms we have slammed (i.e. the Arizona Cardinals and pretty much any alternate uniform in the NBA), it's refreshing to see the San Diego Chargers have dropped some gang-bangers on the league.

Granted, they aren't quite as cool as they're old-school look, but this is a huge upgrade.

We love that powder blue is now an official color and that they have switched to white helmets.

Kudos all around to Chargers management for these changes. This more than makes up for hiring Norv Turner as their head coach.