NOTE TO NBA BRASS

Dear Commish:

We'd just like to have it noted that this does not celebrate Latino culture - it's the most shameless attempt to move merchandise since Mark Cuban's ridonkulous NBA football jersey-ploy. (Note: No word on whether they will put an "o" at the end of every player's name).

Have some self-respect, Dave.

- The Realests

P.S. We actually blame the Mets for this whole debacle. Was there another team that started it? We want names!

CAN THIS ACTUALLY, REALLY BE HAPPENING?

We don't want to jinx it - but we can't wait any longer: Is Chinese Fuckin' Democracy really being released on Nov. 23?

I don't think people understand that The Realests have been waiting on this album since middle school, when we wore our "Use Your Illusion II" shirts to class trying to impress the ladies.

I mean the whole album has become a running joke for a decade..

And the odds of Axl Rose actually being coherent long enough to make a full album at this point is the equivalent of watching a solar eclipse, winning the lottery, and getting struck by lightning at the same time (it's science...).

But we'll just come out and say it: We actually, finally believe this album is coming out.

Now we just need to decide which we'll look back on as a bigger day in demcroacy's history: this album dropping or the fall of the Berlin Wall.

REALESTSDAMUS' 2008-09 NBA PREDICTIONS

EASTERN CONFERENCE
Atlantic: Boston
Central: Cleveland
Southeast: Orlando

WESTERN CONFERENCE
Northwest: Utah
Pacific: L.A. Lakers
Southwest: New Orleans

Eastern Conference No. 1 Seed: Boston
Western Conference No. 1 Seed: L.A. Lakers
LVP: T-Eddy Curry & Vince Carter
MVP: LeBron James
Eastern Conference Finals: Cleveland def. Boston
Western Conference Finals: New Orleans def. L.A. Lakers
NBA Finals: New Orleans def. Cleveland - Chris Paul's revenge
Breakout Player: John Salmons - Jose Calderon doesn't count, people!
Breakout Player II: Wilson Chandler - D'Antoni's comparing him to Marion
Sleeper: Miami
Super-Sleeper: Chicago
Worst Team: New Jersey Nets (19-62) - Vinsanity on DL by December
N.Y. Knicks Record: 37-45 - Still can't stop anyone
2008 NBA Draft Bust: Kevin Love
2009 No. 1 overall pick: Demar DeRozan
Rookie of the Year: Derrick Rose
First GM Fired: Steve Kerr
First Coach Fired: Randy Wittman
Best Offseason Move: Trading T.J. Ford
Best Offseason Move II: Frontcourt of Balkman & Birdman
Worst Offseason Move: Backcourt of (Baron) Davis & (Ricky) Davis
Best 10 Players in the NBA:
1. LeBron James
2. Kobe Bryant
3. Dwight Howard
4. Chris Paul
5. Dwyane Wade
6. Paul Pierce
7. Amare Stoudemire
8. Tim Duncan
9. KG
10. Dirk
5 Worst Starting Defenders:
1. Wally Szczerbiak
2. Carmelo Anthony
3. Zach Randolph
4. Amare Stoudemire
5. Kevin Durant

SOMEONE TEST THIS MAN

So we're watching the Kansas-Texas Tech game when the announcers introduce us to 6-7, 350-pound Red Raiders O-lineman Brandon Carter - nicknamed "Mankind" after former pro wrestler Mick Foley (also a psycho).

Um, how many red flags do you need that someone is doing an insane amount of anabolic steroids?

Dude looks like the psycho DE Lattimer from "The Program" and Andre Ware even said his pre-game ritual is biting the heads off bats in the locker room.

OK, we made that part up.

But he's at least smashing his head into car windows in the parking lot:

PUTTING THE KIBOSH ON LLOYD TO SYRACUSE

I thought my head was going to explode when I heard the "Lloyd Carr to Syracuse" rumors.

But hey, there's been crazier shit on message boards (i.e. Jeff McInnis sleeping with Phil Ford's wife, which has surprisingly stood the test of time).

But what's even more insane is that from looking at these sites, Syracuse fans actually seem EXCITED about the possibility of hiring Lloyd.

I keep seeing phrases like "instant credibility", "big-name coach" and "great recruiter." This even lists him as the No. 2 candidate behind Lane Kiffin (don't even get us started on that).

Syracuse fans: Get a grip.

I know you'll settle for just about anyone other than G Rob at this point, but this is a 63-year old coach with a 4-play offense (off-tackle, draw, TE over the middle, reverse) that was running on fumes for the entire 2007 season and still doesn't have a clue how to stop the spread (he's probably already having nightmares about facing the Wildcat formation Pitt is murdering people with).

Our hunch? The 'Cuse wants the low-down on Ball State coach and former Michigan assistant Brady Hoke. Think big Orange fans!

JEN WALCOTT: THE WORLD'S HOTTEST WAG

The World's Hottest WAG polls are officially closed.

We planned on announcing the winner yesterday but things were so close between Walcott and Cheryl Cole that we didn't want a 2000-like debacle on our hands as we sifted through hanging chads for a winner.

It was like a heavyweight bout between these two, who slugged it out round after round as the momentum just kept changing on a dime.

But it's now official: Playboy's Miss August 2001, Jennifer Walcott, is the people's choice for World's Hottest WAG - proving once again that it's Adam Archuleta's world, and the rest of us are just livin' in it (apologies for butchering this phrase earlier).

Walcott prevailed by taking 26.7% of the vote to Cole's 24.7%.

Thanks to the thousands of perverts that turned out to the polls, resulting in a voting frenzy beyond our wildest expectations.

Now please don't turn into cyber stalkers like this psycho.

And most of all, congrats to the happy couple, who are engaged and raising their new-born son in Arizona. We're sure Arch Deluxe already has the young tyke on a furious power lifting program in preparation for the 2030 NFL combine.

As a special tip of the cap, we'd like to offer the family a $5 gift certificate to any Chuck E. Cheese in the continental United States (not redeemable after 11/1/08).

It's the least we can do.

Editor's Note: You have no idea how proud it makes us to be No. 1 on Google when you search for "World's Hottest WAG."

We made it ma! Top of the World! TOP OF THE WORLD!!!

WADE PHILLIPS IS CONFUSED

Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips' reaction to the Roy Williams trade:

"What do you mean how do I feeeeel about Roy Willyums? Same way I felt about him last week: It's been all downhill since he dumped the gurrrl from Destiny's Chiiild and the boy can't coverrrr fo shit no mo...."

"Well now I didn't say we wurr movin' him to wideout, that just make no damnnnn since, boia!!!!!"

"Wait, what da heeell are you trying to tell me??? Out with it sunnnn!!!!!"

"So your sayin' there's two of 'um?!?! So there's the Roy Willyums I know -- and then there's anuther wuunnn we just got from DEEEE-troit??? OK, and I'm fuckin' Santa Claus..."

"What trade you damn fuuuuls?!?! You must think I'm a pretty stupid somabitch to believe we traded Roy Williams to ourselves!!!!!"

Upon confirmation that Dallas had, in fact, acquired another Roy Williams from Cowboys PR standing next to him, he leaned over and started massaging his temples.

And then his head exploded.

STAKES IS HIGH

Hope you're all registered and voting for Obama.

Because we're up against this...





We'll break down our full endorsement later. There will be no jokes because this is serious business.

VACATION

Wondering where we've been for the last week. Sorry folks but we've been tripping on acid with spider monkeys off the coast of St. Barts - changed our whole perspective on shit.

How long will it last you ask? Who knows? Maybe forever...