CO-REALESTS OF THE WEEK

We've got another first at The Realests - a split R.O.Y. between Nic Cage and Michigan backup QB David Cone (HT: GSylvest).

Let us explain:

Nic Cage

You put a bunch of Japanese dudes and Nic Cage in the same room and you know crazy shit is gonna happen. It's just amazing it took us (and by us, I mean The Sports Guy) this long to find it.



David Cone

Skip the first minute then let the good rhymes roll!!!

D.Cone Goin In For Life.


Let us breakdown a couple of these raps:

"I am so G.A., like Chipper with the Braves."

OK, I've heard better lyrics from LFO.

"Someone grab the Febreze, I think we have it in the kitchen.
And spray in on the mic cuz when I'm rappin' I be shittin'."

Very Lil Wayne-esque...

"I told 'em miss me with that bullshit, I won't miss you when I pull it.
I will miss you when I'm pulling bullets out that full clip."

OK, that shit don't even make sense. We love it.

Hey, maybe there is hope for this team!

MICHIGAN BASKETBALL RECAP

Alright everyone's been waiting patiently for this post to explode, so here's out thoughts on John Beilein's second season at UM:

2009 Recap:

• If you would have told us at the beginning of the year we would have made the Round of 32, we would have said you'd had one too many quaaludes.

• Maybe we overstated it a bit with DeShawn Sims for Big Ten Player of the Year, but name a more improved player in the country than DeShizzle. To increase your shooting percentage 10 points in one year is completely ridiculous.

• Manny Fresh was Manny Fresh. To be among the Top 10 in Big Ten points, rebounds and assists is no small feat. If there's one adjustment that needs to be made in the offseason, it's Beilein pushing the ball when Manny gets it in the open court. He's a one-man fastbreak, people.

• The rebounding situation? Yikes. We know rebounding is the Achilles' heel of Beilein's offense, but there were times teams would get 4 or 5 offensive rebounds in one possession.

• The offense took huge strides forward this year (244th in offensive efficiency in 2008, 96th this year), but there were still some BRUTAL scoring droughts that reminded us of the Tommy Amaker Point a Minute teams. When we just start winging it around the perimeter for 30 seconds, DeShawn has to call for it on the block next year and take control.

2010 Preview:

• You know Michigan fans are going to start talking crazy shit like the Final Four in the offseason with basically everyone coming back. And we should be very, very good. But just a note of caution: The Big 10 is going to be an absolute bloodbath next year. Aside from Wisconsin, NO ONE loses any seniors. BJ Mullens going pro really hurts, but Evan Turner is a stud and David Lighty coming back off a broken foot will be a huge boost.

• Kelvin Grady: Please do some serious soul-searching in the offseason. We don't know what it is with these Grady brothers, but we seriously need someone to run the point next year with Merritt and C.J. Lee graduating. We don't even need Grady to score. If he can just push the break and take care of the ball, he might actually get on the court.

• It'll be really interesting to see how our recruiting class turns out, with Beilein pulling in some real studs (Matt Vogrich, Darius Morris, Jordan Morgan). Morgan will have to contribute minutes right away and it will be quite comical to see Stu, Novak and Vogrich on the court on the same time. Seriously, how many baby-faced white kids can we get?

Our 2010 prediction: Big Ten 4th place, Sweet Sixteen.

Not bad for Year 3, Johnny Cakes.

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK

Please sit down before you read this line:

Courtney Sims is in the NBA

Well, kind of. He's on the Knicks.

That's right, Sims has replaced Cheikh Samb and signed a 10-day contract in The Big Apple.

It's actually a perfect situation for Sims: sit on the bench all practice next to Eddy Curry as he slams donuts, then come in and make Curry look fat and slow. A nutless monkey could do that job.

Boom: Another 10-day contract.

Editor's Note: Our basketball season recap will be up tomorrow. Everyone keep their pants on.

THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD

It's official: The Ann Arbor News is dunzo.

You know, I've waited a long day to write this post with all the d-bags I've run into over there.

But damn that's a lot of lost jobs.

Combined with the News and Freep in full freak-out mode, it's pretty scary to think about how fucked the economy in Michigan is these days and journalism is in general.

Anyway, here's the link.

LOSTLETTERMEN.COM

Wondering where we've been the last couple months?

www.lostlettermen.com

As we said, we never pass up a chance for self-promotion. Spread the word.

2009 SUPER SLEEPER: STEPHEN F. AUSTIN

Update: Well that blew up in our face like a Dan Kendra science experiment, didn't it?

That Jonny Flynn's pretty good.

Go ahead, bring on the Haterade. We know: This blog is a shell of itself.

You didn't really think we were going to leave you hanging without our Super Sleeper this year did you?

We might have fallen off the blog game big time, but we will NEVER miss an opportunity for self-promotion. Like ever.

So far we're 2 for 2 with these kinds of things (Northwestern State in '06, San Diego in '08) so, yeah, there's some pressure on us this year.

It'd be easy for us to play it safe and go with the conventional pick of Portland State over Xavier (Game in Boise, Terrell Holloway is hurt, Xavier's on a slide, PSU already won at Gonzaga and played UW close, Jeremiah Dominguez is sweet) - but we've always blazed our own path here at The Realests.

Our goal is to pick the BIGGEST upset of the first round.

How do you think we became the 69th most influential sports blog?

So instead we're going with the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks over perennial choke-job Syracuse:

• Jim Boeheim is Mr. First Round Exit (see Richmond in 1991, Vermont in 2005)

• Remember in 2006 when everyone was clinging to Gerry McNamara's nuts after 'Cuse won 4 games in 4 days for the Big East Tourney title. Know how they fared in that tournament? Lost in the first round. McNamara? 2 points. Watch Jonny Flynn do the same.

• Syracuse is a horrible, HORRIBLE defensive team. They are really, really lazy on that famed 2-3 zone and rank 109 in defensive efficiency. Providence put up 100 points on this crew.

• A team that will read the headlines and think it's WAY better than they are. Paul Harris is a huge underachiever and Eric Devendorf is a wankster.

• SFA can light it up (112-111 3 OT win over North Dakota State).

• A great inside-outside combo of C Matt Kingsley and F Josh Alexander. If Alexander gets hot from 3, watch out since 'Cuse doesn't even bother to guard people out there.

OK, we're done here.

Editor's Note: To the comment below: Shit, do we have to do everything around here? Why don't we just give you the trophy...

MARCH MADNESS IS HERE

Sign you've lost your damn mind in March Madness: Watching the Summit League Championship Game and sweating bullets because an Oakland victory will boost Michigan's resume (!!!).

Send help. Fast.



Update: IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!

DESHIZZLE MY NIZZLE

What an amazing comeback by Big Blue today to stamp our ticket to the Big Dance. We'll follow this up with another post, but we just want to throw this out there:

DeShawn Sims: Big Ten Player of the Year

If people are smart enough to look past the best player on the conference champs (Kalin Lucas), the league's scoring leader (Manny) and the feel-good story (Talor Battle), it really comes down to him and Ohio State's Evan Turner.

Granted, big men always have much higher shooting percentages - but this says it all for us:

Turner: 51.1 FG%
Sims: 50.7 FG%*
Manny: 41.2 FG%
Battle: 40.5 FG%
Lucas: 39.3 FG%

* That comes after shooting a combined 38.0% his first two years.

Realests - out.

FOR ALL THE MARBLES

Everyone already knows the implications of today's game vs. Minnesota.

But don't worry guys, I'm sure a loss here won't haunt you for the rest of your lives...


P.S. Is that Stu Douglass or Kevin Garnett??

STRAIGHT CA$H, HOMEY

Or should it be, "Cash Rules Everything Around Me"?

Since The Sports Guy recently labeled Jessica Alba's husband Cash Warren "The Luckiest Man on the Face of the Earth" we asked ourselves, "Who the shit is this dude?"

Upon further review, we concur. Let us count the ways:

• HE'S MARRIED TO JESSICA ALBA. Just chew on that for a second longer.

• His name is Cash. Normally we'd say he's just some rich snot-nosed brat and that he should be ridiculed for his name, but not when...

• His dad is Mike Warren. Never heard of him? Oh, he was just an All-American PG at UCLA that won 2 national titles (1967, 1968) with a guy named Lew Alcindor. So yeah, he's probably got Kareem and John Wooden on speed dial at home.

• Born with those genes, Cash was good enough to play basketball at his preppy private school (Crossroads) in LA. That itself doesn't mean dick. But it just-so-happens that while he's there, none other than Baron Davis "transfers" to his high school. Of course, they become best friends and now Cash and Jess sit courtside for all Clippers games (OK, that is NOT awesome).

• Yale graduate. Yawn.

• Looking for a career in film, his actor-dad hooks him up as the director's assistant on "Fantastic Four" - skipping about 10 years in the film profession. Oh yeah, and that's where he met Alba.

• His latest project? Producing the new Baron Davis' documentary "Crips and Bloods: Made in America" - because, you know, as a half-black man, he's worried about the direction of today's African-American youth.

So yeah, life is good if you're Cash Warren. And shitty if you're this guy.

POOR LARRY COKER

If you missed it, former Miami coach Larry Coker is among three finalists for the UT-San Antonio head coach job. Didn't know the Roadrunners even had a football team? That's because they don't; it will be starting in the 2011 season.

He's up against Northwest Missouri State head coach Mel Tjeerdsma and Tulsa co-defensive coordinator Paul Randolph for the position.

Wow. Is this really the best Coker can do despite coaching at The U and winning a national title (and let's be honest: it should have been two) less than a decade ago? We're not saying he deserves a better gig, but even The Zooker wound up on his feet at Illinois after getting run out of town in Gainesville.

MANNY ROTTEN

After crying ourselves to sleep last night following Michigan's collapse on the road at Iowa, this is as calm as we're going to sit down and post.

So let's cut straight to the million-dollar question:

What the hell happened to Manny Harris?

In just a few short months he went from the favorite to win Big Ten Player of the Year to riding the pine in Iowa City during overtime.

It's as simple as this: Manny has always been an awful fit for Beilein's offense, which made it really easy for Big Ten opponents to figure out how to defend him.

It's pretty obvious at this point Corperryale is like a square peg in a round hole in this 5 Out Offense. Manny is a slasher who is tremendous driving to the rack, where he creates for himself or others, and DEADLY on the break. Take a look at Manny being fresh back in November:



It's a shame none of Manny's strengths (except being good at basketball) fit Beilein's offense, which is predicated on half-court offense, movement away from the ball, sharp passing and - above all - spot-up shooting (hence, Zack Novak is starting to look like J.J. Redick).

With all five players on the perimeter at the offensive end, teams now double Manny as soon as he starts to penetrate, forcing him to swing it around the arc and go scratch his head in the corner.

In the one good outing Manny has had in the last 5 games (vs. Northwestern), he was completely shut down in the first half (1 point), then exploded for 25 points by creating turnovers and getting out on the break. Unfortunately, this is the Big 10 and teams take care of the ball too well to count on that happening on a regular basis.

Now completely frustrated and pushing too hard to make things worse, Manny has turned into a complete headcase.

This leaves Beilein at a huge crossroad: Push the tempo of his offense and tweak the 5 Out to accamodate his best player by playing two bigs (who wouldn't want to see a starting lineup of DeShawn Sims and Zack Gibson right about now?), or keep shoving the system down Manny's throat and hope he develops a clue and a long-range jumper?

Count on the latter, since the former is basically sacrilege.

See you all at The Garden...

DEATH BLOW

Up by four with 1:11 left and our NCAA Tournament lives on the line, then losing by 10?

Yeah, this is all we can think of too:


More to come tomorrow.

SOULJA BOY ENLIGHTENS US

Amazing piece on Puffy Paint in XXL this week (yes, we bought it just because the Diplomats were on the cover).

Like every other punk with way too much money, Soulja Boy is not just content being a crap rapper, and instead already wants to expand the Soulja Boy Brand:

"I'm thinking movies, video games, clothing lines. I'm thinking of building an empire. There are still places where I can go in a room full of people in business suits who don't know who the fuck Soulja Boy is.

I want to be bigger than just music. I want Barack Obama's status. Everyone knows who Barack Obama is. If you don't know who Barack Obama is, you're stupid."

Riiiiiiight.

Hey wait a second - was that a clap at DMX?! This can only end badly.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Need a hook? Call Jim Jones.



Streets is talking that his next single is "Baby Talk" and features the chorus "Gah-gah, goo-goo!"

NO, THIS IS DOGSHIT JOURNALISM

Warning: Your head could explode watching this video of yesterday's "Around the Horn" featuring none other than Weezy F. Baby.

It's like we entered Dimension X as we watched Wayne ask what A-Rod would tell the kids about his steroid use while Michael Smith nodded in agreement and Reali furiously hit the "Ca-chink! Ca-chink!" button.

Still none of this compares to the very opening when Woody Paige dons a nasty wig, slurps a lollipop and proclaims, "I'm your Prom Queen, Wayne - with a lollipop."

Uh Woody, you realize that's sexual innuendo and you just said you want Wayne's wang in your mouth, right?



This is a new low - even for a man that has eaten dog food on air.

Huge HT: Grant S.

THIS IS DOGSHIT JOURNALISM

We've read a lot of asinine comments from sports journalists in the last couple days about "A-Fraud" - but this is one of the most poorly thought-out columns I've ever read in my life.

From Bill Madden of the New York Daily News:

"Cut him loose - no matter the cost.

As difficult as it is to imagine eating $270 million, the Bombers will be making a statement, not just for the Yankee brand but for baseball as a whole.

They will be applauded for it."

So let's get this straight: Swallow A-Rod's $270 contract and cut one of the top 5 players in baseball in exchange for what? The approval of sports columnists everywhere?

This is all we have to say to that:



(Editor's Note: Despite what some people say, if I can type in "The Beach asshole suggestion" on Google and immediately get this 7 second clip, we're doing alright as a country.)

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

It's been way too long since our last Weezy quote. From 3 Peat on "Tha Carter III."

"Crazy on these n*****, I don't give a motherfuck.
Run up in a n*****' house and shoot his grandmother up.
What. I don't give a motherfuck.
Get your baby kidnapped and your baby motherfucked."

First off: OK, we estabished you don't give fuck.

Second: It's not really rhyming if you just use the same word over and over.

And third: Woah Weezy, that's some Suge Knight shit right there!

I mean, hey, we're all about actin' a fool - but shooting people's grandmothers? Kidnapping babies and fucking them? This could (we stress could) be crossing the line to senseless violence. Just a thought.

And to think it was thisclose to being your Album of the Year, people. Wayne got jobbed.

GREG "BUKKAKE" PAULUS

Things haven't gone exactly to plan at Duke for Greg Paulus. The former uber-recruit in football AND basketball has become Duke's latest Public Enemy No. 1, been benched as a senior and turned into a prop for monster dunks.

While nothing will compare with having another man's nuts on your chin (there's also this and this), Miami's Dwayne Collins really took it to a new level by straddling Paulus, then knocking his ass down again on the finish. Poor guy:

BREAKING DOWN SIGNING DAY

Our thoughts on Dick Rod's second recruiting class, and other musings:

• Tate, please take this site down. You look like a douche.

• Obviously the first thing that jumps out about our 2009 recruiting class is that only 4 recruits are from the state of Michigan. Meanwhile, Mark Dantonio (12 Michigan recruits) also put together a solid recruiting class by scooping up the players Dick Rod ignored. This is EXACTLY what we brought Rodriguez in to do: Stripmine the South for talent in order to compete for national titles, which we (or anyone in the Big Ten) haven't been able to do in recent years due to a lack of speed.

But there's no doubt this is a huge roll of the dice. If MSU keeps beating us, Rodriguez will undoubtedly be portrayed as a guy that forgot what made Michigan football great and doesn't understand the pride with which in-state recruits play for UM (Exhibit A: Bill Callahan). Again, what you and I think is a necessary step for the program could ultimately be part of Dick Rod's demise. He's got two years and the clock is ticking.

• We can't emphasize the last-minute signing of QB Denard Robinson. Hey, we're all aboard the Tate Forcier bandwagon, but counting on one guy to be your program's savior is a death wish. Look at Ohio State. In 2004, Justin Zwick was supposed to be Tressel's big first stamp on the program, while no one had ever heard of redshirt frosh Troy Smith. Well, you know the rest.

• Everyone needs to take a deep breath of DeQuinta Jones' defection to Arkansas. We got three absolute studs on the defensive line (William Campbell, Anthony LaLota and Craig Roh) and Campbell is the equivalent of two people (320 pounds in high school? Absolutely absurd). If Dick Rod fails at Michigan, it won't be due to lack of a front four.

• One area I haven't heard people talk much about is running back. I'm concerned, to say the least, that we went for another batch of Smurfs (Teric Jones is 5-8, Vincent Smith is 5-6, and Fitz Toussaint is 5-10) especially in the wake of the Sam McGuffie debacle. Yes, Mike Hart was also a little guy. But with Dick Rod, I was expecting at least one uber-recruit at RB.

• As a native of Columbus, you have no idea how happy it makes me to see Ohio's finest like safety Justin Turner defect from the Suckeye state. Here's hoping this kid is the next Charles Woodson.

• With the late addition of Je'Ron Stokes, there are absolutely no excuses for our wideouts to suck this year. If we can actually stay healthy and catch the damn ball (we're looking at you here, Martavious), this could be the most improved position on the team.

• We have no idea if DB Adrian Witty can play ball, but we like this guy already.

• Zach Boren has now officially just his brother Benedict at tOSU. Good, now we can step on both their faces in November.

• The way Ohio State is able to reload talent is sick and twisted. Beanie Wells bolts for the NFL? No problem! They bring in burner Jaamal Berry, who will be a perfect fit for the spread offense under Terrelle Pryor. I don't picture Stevie Brown taking either down anytime soon.

• Look no further than Champaign, Illinois to see the effects of the recession, where Ron Zook 's recruiting budget ran out of money for his traditional coke and stripper orgies. The Zooker still landed a respectable class (32nd), but it will be interesting to see how he does from here on out without D.C. recruiting wiz Mike Lockley - now the New Mexico head coach. After hauling in players like Arrelious Benn and Vontae Davis, Zook got just one 2-star from the D.C. area.