POOR LARRY COKER

If you missed it, former Miami coach Larry Coker is among three finalists for the UT-San Antonio head coach job. Didn't know the Roadrunners even had a football team? That's because they don't; it will be starting in the 2011 season.

He's up against Northwest Missouri State head coach Mel Tjeerdsma and Tulsa co-defensive coordinator Paul Randolph for the position.

Wow. Is this really the best Coker can do despite coaching at The U and winning a national title (and let's be honest: it should have been two) less than a decade ago? We're not saying he deserves a better gig, but even The Zooker wound up on his feet at Illinois after getting run out of town in Gainesville.

MANNY ROTTEN

After crying ourselves to sleep last night following Michigan's collapse on the road at Iowa, this is as calm as we're going to sit down and post.

So let's cut straight to the million-dollar question:

What the hell happened to Manny Harris?

In just a few short months he went from the favorite to win Big Ten Player of the Year to riding the pine in Iowa City during overtime.

It's as simple as this: Manny has always been an awful fit for Beilein's offense, which made it really easy for Big Ten opponents to figure out how to defend him.

It's pretty obvious at this point Corperryale is like a square peg in a round hole in this 5 Out Offense. Manny is a slasher who is tremendous driving to the rack, where he creates for himself or others, and DEADLY on the break. Take a look at Manny being fresh back in November:



It's a shame none of Manny's strengths (except being good at basketball) fit Beilein's offense, which is predicated on half-court offense, movement away from the ball, sharp passing and - above all - spot-up shooting (hence, Zack Novak is starting to look like J.J. Redick).

With all five players on the perimeter at the offensive end, teams now double Manny as soon as he starts to penetrate, forcing him to swing it around the arc and go scratch his head in the corner.

In the one good outing Manny has had in the last 5 games (vs. Northwestern), he was completely shut down in the first half (1 point), then exploded for 25 points by creating turnovers and getting out on the break. Unfortunately, this is the Big 10 and teams take care of the ball too well to count on that happening on a regular basis.

Now completely frustrated and pushing too hard to make things worse, Manny has turned into a complete headcase.

This leaves Beilein at a huge crossroad: Push the tempo of his offense and tweak the 5 Out to accamodate his best player by playing two bigs (who wouldn't want to see a starting lineup of DeShawn Sims and Zack Gibson right about now?), or keep shoving the system down Manny's throat and hope he develops a clue and a long-range jumper?

Count on the latter, since the former is basically sacrilege.

See you all at The Garden...

DEATH BLOW

Up by four with 1:11 left and our NCAA Tournament lives on the line, then losing by 10?

Yeah, this is all we can think of too:


More to come tomorrow.

SOULJA BOY ENLIGHTENS US

Amazing piece on Puffy Paint in XXL this week (yes, we bought it just because the Diplomats were on the cover).

Like every other punk with way too much money, Soulja Boy is not just content being a crap rapper, and instead already wants to expand the Soulja Boy Brand:

"I'm thinking movies, video games, clothing lines. I'm thinking of building an empire. There are still places where I can go in a room full of people in business suits who don't know who the fuck Soulja Boy is.

I want to be bigger than just music. I want Barack Obama's status. Everyone knows who Barack Obama is. If you don't know who Barack Obama is, you're stupid."

Riiiiiiight.

Hey wait a second - was that a clap at DMX?! This can only end badly.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Need a hook? Call Jim Jones.



Streets is talking that his next single is "Baby Talk" and features the chorus "Gah-gah, goo-goo!"

NO, THIS IS DOGSHIT JOURNALISM

Warning: Your head could explode watching this video of yesterday's "Around the Horn" featuring none other than Weezy F. Baby.

It's like we entered Dimension X as we watched Wayne ask what A-Rod would tell the kids about his steroid use while Michael Smith nodded in agreement and Reali furiously hit the "Ca-chink! Ca-chink!" button.

Still none of this compares to the very opening when Woody Paige dons a nasty wig, slurps a lollipop and proclaims, "I'm your Prom Queen, Wayne - with a lollipop."

Uh Woody, you realize that's sexual innuendo and you just said you want Wayne's wang in your mouth, right?



This is a new low - even for a man that has eaten dog food on air.

Huge HT: Grant S.

THIS IS DOGSHIT JOURNALISM

We've read a lot of asinine comments from sports journalists in the last couple days about "A-Fraud" - but this is one of the most poorly thought-out columns I've ever read in my life.

From Bill Madden of the New York Daily News:

"Cut him loose - no matter the cost.

As difficult as it is to imagine eating $270 million, the Bombers will be making a statement, not just for the Yankee brand but for baseball as a whole.

They will be applauded for it."

So let's get this straight: Swallow A-Rod's $270 contract and cut one of the top 5 players in baseball in exchange for what? The approval of sports columnists everywhere?

This is all we have to say to that:



(Editor's Note: Despite what some people say, if I can type in "The Beach asshole suggestion" on Google and immediately get this 7 second clip, we're doing alright as a country.)

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

It's been way too long since our last Weezy quote. From 3 Peat on "Tha Carter III."

"Crazy on these n*****, I don't give a motherfuck.
Run up in a n*****' house and shoot his grandmother up.
What. I don't give a motherfuck.
Get your baby kidnapped and your baby motherfucked."

First off: OK, we estabished you don't give fuck.

Second: It's not really rhyming if you just use the same word over and over.

And third: Woah Weezy, that's some Suge Knight shit right there!

I mean, hey, we're all about actin' a fool - but shooting people's grandmothers? Kidnapping babies and fucking them? This could (we stress could) be crossing the line to senseless violence. Just a thought.

And to think it was thisclose to being your Album of the Year, people. Wayne got jobbed.

GREG "BUKKAKE" PAULUS

Things haven't gone exactly to plan at Duke for Greg Paulus. The former uber-recruit in football AND basketball has become Duke's latest Public Enemy No. 1, been benched as a senior and turned into a prop for monster dunks.

While nothing will compare with having another man's nuts on your chin (there's also this and this), Miami's Dwayne Collins really took it to a new level by straddling Paulus, then knocking his ass down again on the finish. Poor guy:

BREAKING DOWN SIGNING DAY

Our thoughts on Dick Rod's second recruiting class, and other musings:

• Tate, please take this site down. You look like a douche.

• Obviously the first thing that jumps out about our 2009 recruiting class is that only 4 recruits are from the state of Michigan. Meanwhile, Mark Dantonio (12 Michigan recruits) also put together a solid recruiting class by scooping up the players Dick Rod ignored. This is EXACTLY what we brought Rodriguez in to do: Stripmine the South for talent in order to compete for national titles, which we (or anyone in the Big Ten) haven't been able to do in recent years due to a lack of speed.

But there's no doubt this is a huge roll of the dice. If MSU keeps beating us, Rodriguez will undoubtedly be portrayed as a guy that forgot what made Michigan football great and doesn't understand the pride with which in-state recruits play for UM (Exhibit A: Bill Callahan). Again, what you and I think is a necessary step for the program could ultimately be part of Dick Rod's demise. He's got two years and the clock is ticking.

• We can't emphasize the last-minute signing of QB Denard Robinson. Hey, we're all aboard the Tate Forcier bandwagon, but counting on one guy to be your program's savior is a death wish. Look at Ohio State. In 2004, Justin Zwick was supposed to be Tressel's big first stamp on the program, while no one had ever heard of redshirt frosh Troy Smith. Well, you know the rest.

• Everyone needs to take a deep breath of DeQuinta Jones' defection to Arkansas. We got three absolute studs on the defensive line (William Campbell, Anthony LaLota and Craig Roh) and Campbell is the equivalent of two people (320 pounds in high school? Absolutely absurd). If Dick Rod fails at Michigan, it won't be due to lack of a front four.

• One area I haven't heard people talk much about is running back. I'm concerned, to say the least, that we went for another batch of Smurfs (Teric Jones is 5-8, Vincent Smith is 5-6, and Fitz Toussaint is 5-10) especially in the wake of the Sam McGuffie debacle. Yes, Mike Hart was also a little guy. But with Dick Rod, I was expecting at least one uber-recruit at RB.

• As a native of Columbus, you have no idea how happy it makes me to see Ohio's finest like safety Justin Turner defect from the Suckeye state. Here's hoping this kid is the next Charles Woodson.

• With the late addition of Je'Ron Stokes, there are absolutely no excuses for our wideouts to suck this year. If we can actually stay healthy and catch the damn ball (we're looking at you here, Martavious), this could be the most improved position on the team.

• We have no idea if DB Adrian Witty can play ball, but we like this guy already.

• Zach Boren has now officially just his brother Benedict at tOSU. Good, now we can step on both their faces in November.

• The way Ohio State is able to reload talent is sick and twisted. Beanie Wells bolts for the NFL? No problem! They bring in burner Jaamal Berry, who will be a perfect fit for the spread offense under Terrelle Pryor. I don't picture Stevie Brown taking either down anytime soon.

• Look no further than Champaign, Illinois to see the effects of the recession, where Ron Zook 's recruiting budget ran out of money for his traditional coke and stripper orgies. The Zooker still landed a respectable class (32nd), but it will be interesting to see how he does from here on out without D.C. recruiting wiz Mike Lockley - now the New Mexico head coach. After hauling in players like Arrelious Benn and Vontae Davis, Zook got just one 2-star from the D.C. area.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

X done did it again!

First there's the whole "Devil lives in Arizona" thing that he's been mocked mercilessly for. But our favorite? Go straight from 11:35 to 12:15 on the video. D will take it from there:



If you don't have the patience, here's the transcript. Keep in mind that less than a year ago X had no idea who Barack Obama was:

Old Man River: "How do feel that Obama... probably wouldn't like the message in your music."

X: "What's the message in my music that he wouldn't like?"

OMR: "Probably some of the stuff about killing, guns, drugs."

X: "Hmmmm. Well I don't talk much about... killing... other... people."

(Editor's Note: Hey X, what about "I got blood on my dick 'cause I fucked a corpse"???)

OMR: "Let me read you one."

X: "Alright, alright, so maybe I do. Hahahhaha! OK maybe I do. You got me there!"

HT: Eastern Hemisphere

THE GOLDEN YEARS

With the Michigan basketball team back to sucking ass, we've gotten a little nostalgic over here at The Realests thinking about the Brian Ellerbe and Tommy Amaker eras.

Needless to say, a single tear dropped down our faces when several readers sent us a link announcing that Courtney Sims, "Big Game" Chris Hunter and "Air Georgia" - Brent Petway - were all selected to the NBDL All-Star Game in Phoenix.

On a more serious note, how does David Stern not take one look at that roster and pull the plug on the whole damn operation? Quin Snyder is an All-Star head coach for shit's sake!

Which got us thinking: What happened to some of the Michigan's greatest (and by greatest, we mean abysmal) stars from yesteryear. You might be surprised:

LaVell Blanchard: Cyprus
On second thought, maybe he should have gone to Duke...

Dion Harris: Cyprus
You done put two of America's most wanted in the same mothafuckin place at the same mothafuckin time??? Break out the champagne glasses and the mothafuckin' condoms!!!

Daniel Horton: France
It really chaps our ass that Chris Quinn is in the NBA and Horton is not. Give this man a chance to ball!

Josh "Ass Face" Asselin: Spain
Ugh. The Brian Ellerbe era. And those hideous 'M' uniforms. Make it stop.

Robert "Tractor" Traylor: Turkey
Seriously, hang it up already, man.

Chris Young: Belgium
The lone bright spot during some very, very dark years. Again, you can't tell us this guy isn't better than some of the doofuses in the NBA. You don't think he could school Mark Madsen 1-on-1? Please...

Josh Moore: Cyberspace
No joke: His blog Eastern Hemisphere is actually quite funny.

If you happen to know the whereabouts of the Dominic Ingersons and Gavin Groningers of the world, please feel free to update this list below.

HOLD TIGHT

We've got to give our loyal readers credit for sticking with us even after we've quit on ourselves. But we've had more comebacks than Ricky Henderson and tomorrow will be no different. We'll be back tomorrow with a full breakdown of Michigan's recruiting class. In the meantime, pray for the undecideds.