Realest of the Week

Vlad Putin has been wacked as Realest of the Week. Like Chris Webber, all records have been deleted. The new Realest of the Week: Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers, for wilin' out. Just look at the camera guy's face:


As the Joker would say: "Never rub another man's rhubarb" 


Putin still gets honorable mention, although there is controversy about even that honor after Kraft reportedly gave him the ring. Although, obviously even if Kraft didn't he would never say anything in order to avoid an international conflict.

"Russian President Vladimir Putin walked off with New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s diamond-encrusted 2005 Super Bowl ring.

Following a meeting of American business executives and Putin at Konstantinovsky Palace near St. Petersburg on Saturday, Kraft showed the ring to Putin — who tried it on, put it in his pocket and left."

Realest of the Week

White Sox OF Carl Everett.

Most recently:

"Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. ... I don't believe in gay marrages and I don't believe in being gay."

And from an old SI article:

"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett said last Friday, before the Red Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."

What about dinosaur bones?

"Made by man," he says.

Everett has trouble, too, with the idea of man actually walking on the moon. After first rejecting the notion, he concedes, "Yeah, that could have happened. It's possible. That is something you could prove. You can't prove dinosaurs ever existed. I feel it's far-fetched."

A Special Top Ten List

In honor of Ken's visit this last weekend (and his complaints about losing in the All-Real Tournament), we have decided to compile Ken's top ten real/non-real moments. Feel free to leave comments that tell us your own special Ken memories....here we go:

10. Ken receiving a bad meal this weekend, sending it back to the kitchen, and telling the waitress that it was the "worst meal I have ever had in my life."
9. Ken playing basketball in France on Tony Parker's team...no wait, against Tony Parker...no wait, in the same league as Tony Parker...no wait, in the same country as Tony Parker.
8. Ken getting a migraine and sleeping in the bathroom for two days in a row.
7. Ken wearing headbands to stop his hair from falling into his eyes.
6. Ken "macking" on girls at the law library - and by macking he means staring at them when their boyfriends aren't around.
5. Ken having to re-image his computer 6 times senior year because of all the porn-related viruses.
4. Ken snatching David Underwood's glove after a football game.
3a. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 1) - Jim makes funny comments about Ken's "love life." Ken proceeds to grab one of his own golf clubs during one of our parties and demands that Jim hit him in the face.
3b. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 2) - Jim is being obnoxious at the Jeopardy party, culminating in Ellen hitting Jim in the face with a metal pot. Despite my serious instigation attempts, Jim and Ken back down from an imminent fight and Ken goes to sleep at Maggie's house.
3c. Ken vs. Jim (Pt. 3) - Jim comes into the house screaming "Hovi's home" for half an hour straight. Ken threatens to kill Jim for an hour straight.
3d. Ken + Jim - Ken defends Jim after Jim starts crying about a poster that I made which proclaimed how much I hated him.
2a. That stupid fan that Ken used to drown out the noise from our house. It couldn't be kept in the room because it gave him nose bleeds. I think he used the fan to cover up the masturbation noises.
2b. That Drew Henson jersey that he wears to bed everynight.
1. Laura Barnes

Realest of the Week

Rasheed Wallace.

Good thing Sheed didn't guarantee Game 5. He first tried to lose the game by calling a non-existent timeout as time expired in regulation. After that attempt failed, he then doubled Manu Gifloppili in the corner to leave Robert Horry open for a game-winning three-pointer.

"Hey Sheed: hasn't Robert Horry scored the team's last 20 points - and, isn't it time to D him up?" No. Instead, Sheed did the "I'm running at you with my hand up from 5-feet away" defense, always a favorite.

"Ball don't lie."



He did it again? Haters no like ... 

Newest Cootabulary

A running blog of new ways to use the word cooter - UPDATED THRU JUNE 16th (thanks to Diesel for the title):

New Hotness:
Acoot Alex
Cootenheim Museum
Cootology
Cootologist
Cootalizer
Cootication
Cootnanny Noonanny

Old Hotness:
Cootface killa
Cooterator
Dennis Cootcinich
Cooteria
Coot Mongrel
Cooterade
Cooterstein
Cooterwitz
Cootberg
Coot
Coot McCoot
Coot McCooterson
Cooterific
Cootastic
Coot McCallister
Cootang Clan
Cootastraphe

Realest of the Last 2 Weeks Honorable Mention

Michigan's chapter of the SAE fraternity.

From the Michigan Daily:

"A student who said he was assaulted by members of the Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity last year is now filing a lawsuit seeking damages from SAE.

LSA senior Calvin Kattola filed a lawsuit against SAE last Thursday, citing “ethnic intimidation” as one of the charges.

Kattola and his attorney filed the lawsuit because they believe the attacks were connected to ethnic intimidation. According to a police report filed in February of last year, members of SAE punched and kicked Kattola while repeatedly calling him a “sand-nigger,” Nacht said.

The alleged attack was connected to a feud between SAE and Delta Kappa Epsilon, and it occurred outside the DKE house, located on Olivia Street."

Just another reason why Fratboy Missionaries is going to make 3 trillion dollars.

Realest of the Last 2 Weeks

Have no fear - the Realest of the Week is here. There was a long drought in reality, but of course someone came to the rescue by making an ass of themself. From USA Today:

"Suspended Florida State quarterback Wyatt Sexton was taken to a hospital by police after they say observed him behaving strangely, laying in the street, and telling them that he was God.

Sexton was hospitalized Monday night and on Tuesday a Florida State official said he was still under medical care at an undisclosed location. He has not been charged with any crime.

An incident report by Tallahassee police officer Zachary Lyne said he was called to a residential neighborhood about a report of a man doing push ups in the street and acting strangely. Police said they'd also had a call from a different person about a man in the same location laying in the street and yelling at passersby, and another reporting the man had jumped on a car.

Lyne said he found Sexton in the middle of the road wearing only a wet pair of shorts.

The officer asked Sexton if he was OK and didn't get a response. He asked several times what the man's name was and eventually Sexton replied that he was God.

Once at the hospital, Sexton continued to say that he was God and that he didn't know why he was in the hospital, Lyne wrote in his report."

Realest of the Week

Clayton "Rocket" Richard.

You guys already know the story, but just in case you don't:

Growing up in the French Canadian wilderness, Rocket Richard had to become a man at a very early age. With his dad ill, Rocket had to keep the family warm by chopping down trees with an axe. While other kids played, Clayton just kept choppin' away. By the time he was a senior in high school, his arm was so strong that he threw for 7,000 yards on the gridiron and carrying his baseball team to a province junior title. In one game, Rocket even struck out 28 batters because one of his 112 MPH heaters got away from the catcher, letting the runner advance to first.

He chose Michigan for its football and cold weather, but quickly took hold of a clipboard behind John Navarre. Seeing his hopes fade away with every Chad Henne completion, the Rocket turned to his second love (behind chopping wood) - the baseball diamond. The Rocket made his return to baseball with an appearance against South Carolina in the NCAA Tournament.

Hats off to the Rocket.

You know, it's funny - they still say in Canada that if you listen close enough, you can still hear this faint sound coming from the forest: "Chop - chop - chop".

Honorable mention: Shaq - paying for George Mikan's funeral

UnRealest of the Week: Larry Brown (as pointed out by Zubin) - I'm a Cavs fan, so I don't really care if he screws the Pistons. Although he is completely infatuated with himself - which I respect - he is always whining about his kid not being able to come to games and shit like that.


Rocket 

Manu Gifloppili

This guy - trying to pick up a technical foul with a minute remaining. He is starting to redefine pussy. He is almost on a Reggie Miller level. They really need to curb this trend - it is taking over the league.

It really takes away from the game. How about a similar rule to soccer: if you are caught flopping, YOU are given the foul.

Anyone see the flop Alan Henderson did on Amare Stoudemire in the Suns-Mavs series? When Amare pivoted, Henderson acted like an elbow hit him in the face. I mean Henderson's eyes almost popped out of his head he is selling the thing so hard.

How pathetic.

Coming Soon....

NCAA Tournament-style of the Realest things we have ever done (field could be expanded to 128)

OR..........

A restaurant chain named Cooters is started, driving Hooters out of business immediately.

I give you... DERELICTE

Now that I am babysitting Buckley, I've realized he has a very regimented morning schedule. It goes like this:

1. Wake up nearest human
2. Wait by the door to go out
3. Find street vent and pee in it
4. Go to Central Park
5. Pound fools
6. Find pile of mud
7. Lie in it
8. Go back home
9. Drink a lot of water
10. Sleep

Penn State Athletic Director

Can you imagine Michigan doing this with Bill Martin? No wonder Penn State sports suck. Is this PSU's way to update to the 21st century? Congratulations guys, you can use Photo Shop.

http://www.gopsusports.com/People/AthleticAdminGate.cfm

What an idiot....

Realest of the Week

After Afleet Alex's miraculous recovery, I almost had a knee-jerk reaction and put him up as Realest of the Week. But something just didn't feel right about it. I went back to look at the core values of being real:

1) Being a jackass (preferably through self promotion)
2) Pissing a lot of people off
3) Not giving a fuck

After looking at those, it suddenly struck who the true champion was: Scrappy T. I mean, Scrappy Tizzle could feel the lead slipping, so what did he do? He tried to ruin the race for the favorite. He got the trainer to yell "Son of a bitch!" on national TV. And everyone hates his jockey as well.

Very heads up play by the Tizzle.



Scrappy T 

Word on the Street...

Is that Anakin turns to the Dark Side by cutting off the head of Jar Jar Binks. George Lucas has COMPLETELY REDEEMED himself.

Guarantee

What has Bill Martin done?!?! First the SBC disaster, now this?!

http://www.mgoblue.com/document_display.cfm?document_id=18409

I GUARANTEE they take that yellow piping off the away jersey. Yeah, I said it: guarantee. And you can quote me on that.

A win for the human spirit

This story is amazing. It's what journalism is all about. Please take time to read selected excerpts and reflect on how blessed we all are.


Copyright 1980 The Washington Post
The Washington Post

September 28, 1980, Sunday, Final Edition
Correction Appended

SECTION: First Section; A1

LENGTH: 1955 words

HEADLINE: JIMMY'S WORLD;
8-Year-Old Heroin Addict Lives for a Fix

BYLINE: By Janet Cooke, Washington Post Staff Writer

BODY:
Jimmy is 8 years old and a third-generation heroin addict, a precocious little boy with sandy hair, velvety brown eyes and needle marks freckling the baby-smooth skin of his thin brown arms.

He nestles in a large, beige reclining chair in the living room of his comfortably furnished home in Southeast Washington. There is an almost cherubic expression on his small, round face as he talks about life -- clothes, money, the Baltimore Orioles and heroin. He has been an addict since the age of 5...

... Six months later, Jimmy was hooked. "I felt like I was part of what was goin' down," he says. "I can't really tell you how it feel. You never done any? Sort of like them rides at King's Dominion . . . like if you was to go on all of them in one day.

"It be real different from herb (marijuana). That's baby s---. Don't nobody here hardly ever smoke no herb. You can't hardly get none right now anyway."

Jimmy's mother Andrea accepts her son's habit as a fact of life, although she will not inject the child herself and does not like to see others do it.

... "Drugs and black folk been together for a very long time."...

... She never knew her father. Like her son, Andrea spent her childhood with her mother and the man with whom she lived for 15 years. She recalls that her mother's boyfriend routinely forced her and her younger sister to have sex with him, and Jimmy is the product of one of those rapes.

Depressed and discouraged after his birth ("I didn't even name him, you know? My sister liked the name Jimmy and I said 'OK, call him that, who gives a fu--? I guess we got to call him something, don't we?'") she quickly accepted the offer of heroin from a woman who used to shoot up with her mother.

... He grabs Jimmy's left arm just above the elbow, his massive hand tightly encircling the child's small limb. The needle slides into the boy's soft skin like a straw pushed into the center of a freshly baked cake. Liquid ebbs out of the syringe, replaced by bright red blood. The blood is then reinjected into the child.

Jimmy has closed his eyes during the whole procedure, but now he opens them, looking quickly around the room. He climbs into a rocking chair and sits, his head dipping and snapping upright again, in what addicts call "the nod."

"Pretty soon, man," Ron says, "you got to learn how to do this for yourself."

CORRECTION-DATE: January 17, 2001

CORRECTION:
The above article is not factually correct and is a fabrication by the author. For a detailed account of how it came to be published by The Washington Post, please see the article by Bill Green, then the newspaper's reader ombudsman, published in The Post on April 19, 1981.

GRAPHIC: Illustration, no caption, By Michael Gnatek Jr. for The Washington Post

Clap Back

Jim's attacked me again in public...he'll never learn.

1) Jim's gonna leave his job at CSTV to work with his dad's pony company - Jim, ponies are for little girls.

2) You're spelling in the attack blog sucks - it's lose, not loose.

3) Gold Bond goes on your nuts, not all over the bathroom floor.

Get at me dog.

JBM's Award Speech

Brady sent this to me in an e-mail:

"First of all, let me start by saying that I am extremely humbled by this award. Of course, being humbled isn’t real at all. But, since I’ve already won the award, I can be humble. Probably, the only possible way that being humble is real is by being humbled by being real. So, yes, I’m humbled.

I’ve been working toward this award for a long time, and there are lot of people that should be thanked. First, to the Realests. You’ve taken pizza slices to the face. You’ve thrown beer all over yourself. You’ve had beer thrown on you by others. You’ve created a scene. In fact, your entire existence is a scene. You are my inspiration. Without you, I’d be, well, not real at all.

Next, I’d like to thank my parents, Kathy and David, for supporting me through all of those times when I wasn’t real. Like the time when I tried to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic at Patriots Day in 5th grade, and some kid picked on me and told me I was going to fail, and I cried in front of the whole school. Or the time that I spent a Sunday afternoon throwing a hissy fit because I needed to rake the leaves instead of watch the Bills Jets game.

Realness is something so unique, something so intangible, you just can’t touch it or explain it. So, what does it mean that I’m the ROW this week? Everything. Or nothing. And that’s the beauty of realness.

Thanks,

ROW, May 3-17"

Realest of the Last 2 Weeks

JBM 

First of all, everyone needs to relax on making us blog. I've gotten a lot of complaints for not putting up a Realest of the Week. Remember people: reading our blog is a priviledge, not a right.

On to our good friend "JBM". We are not using his name because people are searching the internet to try and bring him down.

If you haven't already heard the story, here is our version of it:

JBM gloats on the web about how sweet he is and how much everyone at work loves him. He then continues to talk about things that shouldn't be broadcast over the internet - such as getting drunk with his boss, and part of his conversation with the boss.

Some douche looking for trouble, finds this gloating and reports JBM to his boss. Boss man calls up JBM and asks him what in the world he is doing.

JBM has thus been rewarded with Realest of the Last 2 Weeks, for striking on two of the three core values of being real:

1) Being a jackass (preferably through self promotion)
2) Pissing a lot of people off
3) Not giving a fuck

JBM definitely didn't stick #3. He immediately took down his recent posts and promised never to blog again. Now if Brady were to leave the posts and add another one entitled "All Haters Blow Dick" - I give my word he will be awarded Realest of the Year.

That offer will remain on the table in case JBM changes his mind.