THIS CAN ONLY END BADLY

Scott Linehan: You bastard.

This man should be arrested and charged with attempted murder.

As you already know, human rag doll Trent Green is replacing Marc Bulger as the Rams starting quarterback in a last-ditch effort for Linehan to keep his job.

Green - the same guy who is still lucky to be walking around after the shot he took last year and the one former teammate Jason Taylor admitted is one more blow away from his brain turning into "scrambled eggs."

Gee, putting Green behind the worst offensive line in the league with a blitz-happy Dick Jauron sending the house all day - what could possibly go wrong?

How about this. Or this. Or this.

You get the idea.

I mean Orlando Pace was great 10 surgeries ago. Now they might as well just put a cow at left tackle. As for the rest of them: Other than Alex Barron - who also stinks, by the way - who are these fuckin' guys? Jacob Bell? Brett Romberg? Richie Incognito?!?! Are you serious?

This is getting to Evander Holyfield-level, where he should be banned from playing in the league for his own safety. Roger Goodell, step up or step off! We're begging someone to do something!

Can't you just picture last night in the Green household? Trent tucked the kids in, telling them "Dad might be going away for awhile." Meanwhile, Mrs. Green cried herself to sleep picturing her husband in a hospital bed with tapioca all over his face - AGAIN.

Well, if this line doesn't fire up the Rams in the huddle right before they break, nothing will:

"Block... or I'll die."

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

We're kicking it old school with today's lyrics from "I'm Me." Though it came before Weezy's masterpiece, Tha Carter III, I think we can all agree it's some of Master Wayne's finest work:

"The only time I wear Depends is when I'm 70 years old. That's when I can't hold my shit within, so I shit on myself. Cause I'm so sick and tired of shitting on everybody else."

Yeah, the transitive theory. We get it. Have since middle school:

• You = The shit

• Shit = Poop

Therefore,

• You = Poop

I mean I was pretty proud of myself for writing a song called "Poop and Peep Make a Great Flava" - but I was 8-years old. Get over it already.

And are you telling us you will still crap your pants as an old man even if you have control over your bowel movements - just because you're tired of defecating on other people?

Really?

Really Weezy???

Damn. That's real.

Note: We're on a huge T.I. kick, so do yourself a favor and check out our bangers of the week:

COLLEGE FB WEEKEND ROUNDUP

Even with Michigan's bye week, it was another spectacular weekend of football. Unless you live in Syracuse. Then it was another miserable weekend of college football. But we digress:


• Man, I'm glad we didn't hire that guy. Greg Schiano has been exposed now that Ray Rice is no longer around. Kind of scary to think this guy shot us down and Rich Rod had to beg us for a job. Rutgers dropped to 0-3 after its third straight anemic performance, this time losing to Navy. QB Mike Teel took out his frustration at the end of the game by punching his own safety in the face. This team could easily be 1-7 before its Battle Royale with Syracuse on Nov. 8.

• Speaking of the 'Cuse, the dead kitten count is now at 222. But hey, maybe that nine-point win over Northeastern will sway the Kitty Killer to spare one life. Or not...

• Phil Fulmer is the new Lloyd Carr. Sadly, we're surprised the game with Florida was even that close. But it'll give Vol fans even more reason to call for his head. Normally we'd say Fulmer will rally the troops and make a bowl game to save his job, but we're not so sure with at No. 10 Auburn, at No. 3 Georgia and No. 9 Alabama before the end of October. Yowers in his trowsers.

• Isn't life post-Ohio State great? My dad gave away his tickets, refused to watch the game, speaks with Jim Tressel with the same contempt he had for John Cooper and claimed he is already looking forward to college basketball season. Just like the good old days...

• Our vote goes to Todd Boeckman for Lehman Brothers Player of the Year. How about this guy going from a "Heisman contender" to a one-play backup in the span of a month?

• We know USC plays down to its competition, but it could win every Pac-10 game by 50 points. Wow. This conference is awful. 0-5 vs. the Mountain West? Pathetic. And ASU-Georgia game was never close. And who knows how bad they'll run up the score on UCLA after the stunt Rick Neuheisel (code name: "Ben Dover") just pulled in the L.A. Times.

• Temple isn't looking so hot as our "super sleeper" pick. But people don't realize they lost to UConn in OT and Buffalo on a Hail Mary. They could easily be 3-1 right now. We know, we know. Sour grapes.

• We're already tired of the BYU BCS talk. Yes, they've got a great shot at going undefeated with only one stiff test left (Nov. 22 at Utah). But are we really gonna do the hypothetical argument about whether this team should be playing for the national title if they go 12-0? Please spare us.

• Notre Dame is awful. Which makes us utterly repulsive. But at least we haven't completely tuned out our coach at this point. Advantage: Michigan.

• We're sticking with our guns that Les Miles wasn't the right hire for Michigan. We don't care how many national titles he wins at LSU. OK, maybe we care a little bit. Like we cautioned with East Carolina, everyone hold their horses with the LSU hype. Let's see how they do with No. 4 Florida and No. 3 Georgia in the span of three weeks and no quarterback to speak of.

• Ditto with the Penn State hype. Are we the only ones that remember PSU hasn't beaten Michigan since 1996? Nonconference is the new preseason; it doesn't mean squat (at least when you schedule like Penn State it is).

• We'd say the same thing for Minnesota but people aren't that stupid. After all, we're dealing with these jokers:

THE WORLD'S HOTTEST WAG: FINALE

Here are the results from the Sweet 16:

1) Cheryl Cole def. 4) Carly Zucker: 2,528-683
3) Minka Kelly def. 2) Yesica Toscanini: 1,213-816

4) Jennifer Walcott def. 1) Gisele Bundchen: 1,639-1,267
2) Alena Seredova def. 3) Anara Atanes: 1,549-1,108

1) Abigail Clancy def. 4) Nereida Gallardo: 1,490-1,095
2) Oksana Andersson def. 3) Jessica Simpson: 1,584-1,063

1) Adriana Lima def. 4) Jennifer Metcalfe: 1,750-757
3) Sylvie van der Vaart def. 2) Carmella Decesare: 1,532-977

Not too many surprises here except Jennifer Walcott's anihiliation of Gisele Bundchen, adding insult to injury for Tom Brady. Tom: If it makes you feel any better, we still find her attractive. Kind of.

Judging from the results, Cole and Walcott have to be considered the frontrunners at this point.

Now on to business.

How's this for a flip on your face: Did we say a week per round? Screw that.

Instead of milking as many hits out of this as we can, we're taking the 8 winners from the Sweet 16, minus Alena Seradova - judging by the last round, she doesn't have a shot at the title and would only be the Ralph Nader of WAGs.

On top of that, we're throwing out the seeds and going grimey McGrimerson with a WWF Royal Rumble-style finale to decide this thing.

Let's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!!!!

Cheryl Cole

Husband: Ashley Cole (Chelsea FC)

Age: 25

Occupation: Singer, "Girls Aloud"

Country: England










VS.

Minka Kelly

Boyfriend: Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)

Age: 28

Occupation: Actress, "Friday Night Lights"

Country: USA









VS.

Jennifer Walcott

Fiance: Adam Archuleta (F/A)

Age: 31

Occupation: Model

Country: USA










VS.

Abigail Clancy

Husband: Peter Crouch (Portsmouth)

Age: 22

Occupation: Model

Country: England









VS.

Oksana Andersson

Boyfriend: Christian Wilhelmsson (Al-Hilal)

Age: 24

Occupation: Model & Actress

Country: Russia









VS.

Adriana Lima

Fiance: Marko Jaric (Memphis Grizzlies)

Age: 27

Occupation: Model, Victoria's Secret

Country: Brazil










VS.

Sylvie van der Vaart

Husband: Rafael van der Vaart (Real Madrid)

Age: 30

Occupation: Model & TV Personality

Country: Holland

THE WORLD'S HOTTEST WAG: SWEET 16

Editor's Note: You're still on the Sweet 16? Get with it dog, we're onto The Finals. Boy are you in for a surprise...


MONROE REGIONAL

1) Cheryl Cole

Husband: Ashley Cole (Chelsea FC)

Age: 25

Occupation: Singer, "Girls Aloud"

Country: England










VS.

4) Carly Zucker

Fiance: Joe Cole (Chelsea FC)

Age: 23

Occupation: Personal trainer

Country: England





















2) Yesica Toscanini

Boyfriend: Juan Roman Riquelme (Boca Juniors)

Age: 22

Occupation: Model

Country: Argentina










VS.

3) Minka Kelly

Boyfriend: Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)

Age: 28

Occupation: Actress, "Friday Night Lights"

Country: USA





















HILTON REGIONAL

1) Gisele Bundchen

Boyfriend: Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

Age: 28

Occupation: Model, Victoria's Secret

Country: Brazil










VS.

4) Jennifer Walcott

Fiance: Adam Archuleta (F/A)

Age: 31

Occupation: Model

Country: USA





















2) Alena Seredova

Fiance: Gigi Buffon (Juventus FC)

Age: 30

Occupation: Model & Actress

Country: Czech Republic










VS.

3) Anara Atanes

Boyfriend: Kieran Richardson (Sunderland)

Age: 20

Occupation: Model

Country: England





















POSH REGIONAL

1) Abigail Clancy

Husband: Peter Crouch (Portsmouth)

Age: 22

Occupation: Model

Country: England










VS.

4) Nereida Gallardo

Ex-Boyfriend: Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United)

Age: 25

Occupation: Model

Country: Spain





















2) Oksana Andersson

Boyfriend: Christian Wilhelmsson (Al-Hilal)

Age: 24

Occupation: Model & Actress

Country: Russia










VS.

3) Jessica Simpson

Boyfriend: Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys)

Age: 28

Occupation: Singer, Actress

Country: USA





















SHIELDS REGIONAL

1) Adriana Lima

Fiance: Marko Jaric (Memphis Grizzlies)

Age: 27

Occupation: Model, Victoria's Secret

Country: Brazil










VS.

4) Jennifer Metcalfe

Boyfriend: Jermaine Pennant (Liverpool)

Age: 23

Occupation: Actress & Model

Country: England














2) Carmella Decesare

Husband: Jeff Garcia (Tampa Bay Bucs)

Age: 26

Occupation: Model

Country: USA










VS.

3) Sylvie van der Vaart

Husband: Rafael van der Vaart (Real Madrid)

Age: 30

Occupation: Model & TV Personality

Country: Holland