Realest of September

Everyone relax, the blog isn't dead.

Realest of September: Barbara Bush. This one almost slipped by me, but now it's time to humiliate her.

Barbara on Hurricane Katrina evacues: "What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."

BTW, Kanye West's stunt would have been real - except it was done by Kanye West, who is turning out to be an elephant douche.

Michigan Football = Blue Balls

It's never felt better/worse to be a michigan wolverine.

Realest of the Week

Florida State WR De'Cody Fagg.

When we first saw this, we figured there must be a pronunciation like "Fog" or "Fayeg". Nope - it's just "Fag." Definitely the only highlights of the FSU-Miami game last night was Musburger saying his full name to avoid sounding like a homophobe (from this blog you already know he is a racist).

We are just waiting until the radio guy gets caught up in the moment and makes this call: "Weatherford drops back.... looks downfield... he's got A WIDE OPEN FAG in the end zone!... TOUCHDOWN SEMINOLES!!!!"

Jay quote oddly fitting the situation:

"My pops knew exactly what he did when he made me/Tried to get a nut and he got a nut and what"

Real Defined

Byron Leftwich's web page he made for a class at Marshall:

http://webpages.marshall.edu/~leftwich1/

Amazingly, it isn't Jay but actually M-Eezy, that described Leftwich best:

"Yo, I'm young Memphis, used to play the apprentice
Now I'm like the teacher, c'mere, let me teach ya"

Realest of the Week

From Newsday:

A city school teacher was arrested after he took his toddler with him on a would-be tryst in Greenwich Village with what he thought was a 13-year-old girl, police said yesterday.

The Wednesday arrest of Alan Schaefer, 43, was most unusual, police said, because most men who meet underage girls try to be as discreet as possible.

But Schaefer showed up with his 14-month-old son, even though he and the girl - a young-looking vice detective dressed as a teenager - he met on the Internet had already agreed they would have sex at her place, police said.

Holding his son in one arm, Schaeffer took the undercover officer's hand with his other hand and strolled down the street toward her "apartment," police said. Instead, back-up police moved in and Schaefer was arrested. His son was placed with family.

When school starts in September, Schaefer, who has tenure, will be assigned to an administrative post, away from children, pending the outcome of the investigation, the department said.



Jay and this guy both know what it's like to be guilty until proven innocent - except this guy is really broke:

"Happy when they heard he was arraigned, glad he's indicted
Got big money, big lawyers to fight it
Just like Cochran, cocksuckers you never see me boxed in
Y'all all knnow it, Jigga's a fighter
Plus I'm chlostrophobic, back on the streets before you know it"

Realest of the Week

Lawrence Phillips - hands down (and I'm a little mad this story got so big because I had it picked out of a USA Today blurb four days ago).

Everyone knew LP was a horrible person, but a former national champion playing 15-year olds in a pickup game of football? It's like a McDonald's ad on crack.

From the AP:

Los Angeles - Former NFL running back Lawrence Phillips was charged Tuesday with multiple counts of assault with a deadly weapon, two days after prosecutors say he drove into three teenagers who argued with him following a pickup football game.

He was charged with seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon, two counts of child abuse and one count of hit and run. Phillips, 30, a star at Nebraska before the St. Louis Rams made him the sixth overall pick in the 1996 NFL draft, got into an argument with several young men after the pickup football game Sunday in LA.

He left the park, but returned and drove a black Honda onto the field, allegedly running into a group of young males. Three were hit, including two aged 14 and 15.
The car Phillips was driving had been reported stolen in San Diego earlier in the week.


Jay sums up LP's feelings for us: "I was doin' this shit when you was shittin' pampers" 

Realest of the Week

HBO Sports.

Although this piece was done 10 years ago, they do a great feature on Tommie Smith and John Carlos... and brought the bozacks on Brent Musburger. HBO went out of their way to mention a Musburger column after the Olympics, in which he said Smith and Carlos looked like nothing more than "black-skinned storm troopers".

Why does HBO only have the balls to mention this? With every graphic that says "Brent Musburger - CBS Sports" there should be fine print below that says "Called Tommie Smith and John Carlos black-skinned storm troopers". End of discussion.

Making it even worse, the exclusive interview Musburger got with them at the Games started his rapid ascension up the ranks and into the booth.



With the approval of Jay and his mom, I dipped into the "Superugly" lyrics just this once: "I came in ya Bentley backseat/Skeeted in Jeep/Left condoms in tha baby seat/Here n****/Tha gloves is off/The love is done/Its whateva, wheneva, howeva/N*** One" 




"Y'all n**** would never finish that y'all be starting/Never could back up that shit y'all be talking/I make you famous/I put your face on milk cartons"

Note about last quote: We are starting to wonder how Jay's quotes always work so perfectly.... Were these bars about the Smith/Carlos beef with Musburger? Or were they about a future Jay-Z inspired blog that reports on such things? We are going to play each album over our blog (like you can do with Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" on the Wizard of Oz).

Unfortunately, test results won't come back from the lab for awhile...

Real Honorable Mention Quote

I almost forget... I think Jay said it best:

"I got the, mind capacity of a young Butch Cassidy/N***** get fly, let em defy gravity/Fo'-five rapidly lift your chest cavity"

Real Honorable Mention

New York Yankee fans (and the kid, only for his final words before the jump).

A thrill-seeking teenager hoping to make ESPN highlights plunged over 50 feet from the upper deck seats into the netting behind home plate last night in the eighth inning of the Yankees' 2-1 loss to the White Sox, landing in front of a stunned Yankee Stadium crowd of 53,946.

"His exact words, were, 'Bro, I don't know, bro,' " his friend, Spadafino said.
As Derek Jeter laid down a bunt in the eighth, Harper plunged, feet-first, onto the backstop to the amazement of everyone in the Stadium. He had planned his leap for several minutes, according to witnesses, and caught the ire of the paying customers seated behind him who could not see the late-game action.

"Every single person sitting there was saying either sit down or jump off," Tripi said after the three friends were questioned by NYPD officers.
"He always makes a scene," Tripi said after Harper was carted off in an ambulance at 10:34 p.m. and carted off to Lincoln Medical Center.

Realest of the Week

Mike Tyson (who knew?).

From the Times of India (that's right, the Times of India):

"Mike Tyson is reportedly set to star in a porn film - with Jenna Jameson. The former boxing World Heavyweight Champion claims he is desperate for cash, after being hit with a tax bill for several million dollars, and a porn career is a tempting offer.

Said Tyson: "I need the money up front."

Boxing journalist Pedro Fernandez: "According to court documentation from Tyson's rape trial, his member is at least 14 inches long.

"If Tyson brings out some of the ferocity that made him a champion, he could definitely become a successful porn star."



I believe it was Jay-Z that said it best: "Give him money to eat, then next week he's broke/Cause when you sleep, he's reachin for your throat/Word on the street, you reap what you sew/Not out of fear but love, love for the game/Roc family first, we never change man."



Quick Poll: Who do you think has taken more shots to the face lately: Tyson or Jameson? 

Realest of the Week

Former New Orleans Saints Safety Gene Atkins.

From thephatphree.com:

"Arrested for firebombing (In April 1998, Alfred Simmons, his wife and two daughters escaped injury when a Molotov cocktail was tossed through a window at their home) a former business associate but was later acquitted. Most recently he barricaded himself in his house after his wife called police claiming he had shoved her against a wall, choked her, bit her and then beat her with a remote control. Then, when told by police that he was under arrest, Atkins replied, “No I’m not” and punched the officer in the throat, then pushed him outside the home. Surprisingly the police didn't agree, re-entered the home, found Atkins holding four knives, and summarily dropped him with a 'hot shot' from a Taser gun."


As Jay would say... "Too sexy for jail like I'm Right Said Fred - I'm not guilty, now GIMME back my bread."

Real Honorable Mention

The definition of a MILF:

GOLDEN, Colo. - A woman who told police she wanted to be a “cool mom” pleaded guilty to sexual assault charges Monday for having sex with high school boys at parties where authorities said she supplied drugs and alcohol.

Silvia Johnson, 40, pleaded guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual assault and nine felony counts of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. As part of a plea agreement, prosecutors dropped two counts of distribution of methamphetamine.

“She described herself as a ‘cool mom,”’ Detective R.J. Vander Veen wrote in the affidavit. He said Johnson told investigators “she was never popular with classmates in high school and now began ‘feeling like one of the group.”’

Realest of the Week

Matt Leinart.

Heisman Trophy winner, two-time National Champion, on every magazine in America, about to be a millionaire.......... well someone call the Boob Patrol because now he is hooking up with Kristin from Laguna Beach. Most people probably didn't catch this on last night's show - it's about to be in every tabloid. There's something noble about picking a 17-year old out of any girl in the country to hook up with. Making the story even better, ESPN the Mag just came out with a cute little story about him and his longtime girlfriend on the USC women's basketball team.

I would say Leinart is realer than Pat O'Brien - but then I realized O'Brien has probably slammed her as well.


Said Leinart in a press release: "The great thing about high school girls is that I keep getting older - and they stay the same age" 


R. Kelly just peed his pants thinking about a Golden Shower with Kristin... 


The old girlfriend... As Jigga would say: "Like bringing a knife to a gun fight, a pen to a test..." 

Realest of the Week

Terrell Owens:

"At the end of the day," Owens told the Miami Herald's Jason Cole, "I don't have to worry about what people think of me, whether they hate me or not. People hated on Jesus. They threw stones at him and tried to kill him, so how can I complain or worry about what people think?"


Owens? Or Christ? 

Real Honorable Mention

ESPN's Gary Miller, Moises Alou and Jorge Posada.

If you didn't already hear:


"Wrote Miller, "Alou says the secret to hitting without batting gloves is to harden your hands and prevent calluses."

Sounds reasonable. So how does Alou go about hardening his hands? What's the secret?

"He urinates on his hands," Miller wrote. "That's the honest truth. Alou said he isn't sure where he learned this distasteful folk medicine, but it wasn't from his famous father. And it works for Moises."

OK. Now you know why Powell doesn't want to shake hands, ever again, with Alou.

My first thought?

Wasn't this the same Gary Miller who was once arrested and charged with urinating out a window of a Cleveland nightclub? Yep, it's the same guy.

What a coincidence.

(You want to talk about bad timing? Miller had the misfortunate of urinating on a couple of off-duty Cleveland police officers who just happened to be standing under the second-floor window of the nightclub.)"

Jorge said in a separate interview he pees on his hands ONLY during spring training...

Real Honorable Mention

University of Kansas.

These guys...

So they're pissed off at Roy Williams for leaving Kansas, winning the national title at UNC, and leaving them with thugs like J.R. Giddens. The entire SCHOOL comes out firing, claiming Roy Williams is a cheater.

But it gets realer:

"The violations, which Kansas reported to the NCAA last month, were among several involving the men's and women's basketball programs, and the football program, ending in 2003.

The university said the violations would result in a reduction of scholarships in the football and women's basketball programs.

The men's basketball violation will be addressed through extra education about the rules regarding gifts. No other sanctions against the program are planned."

The idea of someone caring enough to give women's basketball players gifts is just upsetting. At least KU made up for it by punishing the women and educating the men. I hope the players get course credit for that...

Realest of the Week

The Sports Guy.

Background info: Fed up with seeing unoriginal journalists obsessed with getting face time, I wrote Bill Simmons something like this:

"You should write an open letter to all the dick riders out there that jack your style. There isn't enough space here to name them all, but most especially Jim Caple."

Today I get an e-mail in my inbox from the SG. His response:

"thanks Jim - i try not to read anyone who tries to write like me, it drives me crazy and i want to have them killed"

Real.

Another Day, Another Kidney Stone

Yeah, and another 7 hours in the hospital. I don't even feel like going through the whole thing, except to say this:

Imagine one of these going down your tubes and out your wang...


As usual, Jay-Z said it best: "Ain't nothin' nice..." 

Ron Mexico Was Here

Keep in mind people, this could have just been Photoshoped in.

Otherwise...

Oyser Vey Katie Holmes!



As usual, Jay-Z said it best: "Now that's what the fuck I call a chain reaction..." 

Realest of the Week

Utah/Texas Tech/Weber State football player Sione Havili:

From the Salt Lake Tribune:

"Three years after being kept from joining the University of Utah football team because he is a convicted felon who served jail time for arson, Sione Havili is suing athletic director Chris Hill and former university president Bernie Machen.

Havili wanted to join the Utes for the 2002 season after serving seven months in jail for firebombing a house with five other men in 1998. The group used plastic milk jugs full of gasoline, in retaliation for an apparently gang-related drive-by shooting. The men also fired shotguns into the house after it was ablaze, though nobody was inside."