2.06.2005

The Dynasty: Roc La Familia

Super Bowl Sunday. Jim and I decided to do a running blog, because frankly, we had some pretty important stuff to say about this game and we're much funnier than the million other people that blogged tonight.

First, how about some improvements on the Super Bowl? Jim's idea: the NFL builds an island off the coast of Dubai and hold the game there every year - the island's only purpose. The 30 teams that dont make the Super Bowl should be humiliated in some way. Potential jobs for them: massaging cramps out of Todd Pinkston's legs and participating in the halftime show as the planted fans that crowd around the stage.

Now to the real meat of the blog.

4:50 - Ex-Presidents Clinton and Bush were at the game to congratulate the NFL for its tsunami aid relief work. Definitely a good cause. But H.W. Bush came into the stadium with some swagger. While high fiving a fan, he made a priceless face. The best way to describe the motion is that it looked like he lost his mind, which is automatically funny.

5:30 - Just to kill time, Fox ran a ten minute re-enactment of the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Marshall Faulk, Michael Strahan, Warrick Dunn, and others all read parts of the Declaration of Independence. I have no idea whose idea this was but they should immediately be fired. (On a side note - is it any coincidence that the Patriots have been winning Super Bowls since Bush has put us in a state of perpetual war? I don't think so. Someone should look into this).

6:18 - Fox announces the Eagles and no one runs out of the tunnel. Wonder what the NFL would have done if the 49ers had run out instead, guns a blazin' ...

6:38 - The NFL decided to let some little kid from Jacksonville do the coin toss. Worst toin coss (yes, I said toin coss, and I won't correct it - like my unbuckled belt) in NFL history - no rotation on the coin. Donovan McNabb pats the kid on the head. Everyone feels warm inside.

6:45 - Eagles win a challenge on a Donovan McNabb fumble. He was ruled down and there was no fumble. Has it ever felt so good to get sacked on third and long during the first drive of the Super Bowl? No. (Clap Brigade).

7:01 - Commercial for GoDaddy.com. What happened to family values?? One of the first commercials during the Super Bowl has a boobmatic woman testifying in front of Congress, making sexual innuendos in a white tank top, and dancing around. Fox is great - they don't care about the FCC and they're not afraid of breasts. This is the same station that brought us Temptation Island.

7:01-7:06 - Jim leaves the room to check out godaddy.com, thinking its an adult website. He returns upset. If you read the blue balls article, you can feel his pain.

7:03 - Joe Buck discusses the hyperbaric chamber T.O used for his ankle and gives credit for the chamber to Austin Powers. What the hell? He clearly missed a Zoolander reference. That mistake, combined with his distaste for Randy Moss, mean that Joe Buck is at the top of our most hated list. He might join the list of dickriders we dedicate the movie to.

7:09 - Mike Vrabel is on steroids. He was marginal at OSU but once he hits the NFL he turns into a pretty good linebacker, who catches Super Bowl touchdown passes in his spare time? He's on the juice.

7:12 - This year's commercials suck. Good thing Fratboy Missionaries is on the way. It's much funnier than the crap you're forced to sit through nowadays.

7:19 - McNabb throws 3453 red-zone interceptions in a row. Donovan - please stop throwing interceptions.

7:22 - Close up of the Eagles cheerleaders. Whoever said the Super Bowl was a family event was completely wrong. Put some clothes on these girls .... or don't.

7:23 - Just saw a commercial for Hitch. OUR MOVIE IS MUCH FUNNIER THAN HITCH. Also, Will Smith did a little Philly intro for Fox during player introductions where he tried to act street. That's always amusing.

7:24 - Promo commercial for 24. Interestingly enough, it takes place 24 minutes past 7. Coincidence?

7:42 - The refs allow the Eagles to run around with the football after a blatant NON fumble because they didn't want to make a call that couldn't be reversed. Now that's cooter.

8:20 - Paul McCartney is on. Half of the stadium is asleep. If MTV was smart, they'd be playing a tape of last year's halftime.

8:48 - Mike Vrabel catches a touchdown and immediately goes into roid rage. His touchdown celebration makes me think for a second: If Gus Frerotte was on steroids, would he have killed himself by headbutting the wall back in the day? Mike Vrabel certainly would. Do they even test for steroids in the NFL?

9:09 - The Eagles resort to out routes to move the football up the field. Andy Reid deserves to be punched in the face.

9:16 - Terrell Owens continues to scorch the Patriots on a broken ankle. Todd Pinkston hobbles off the field with cramps and goes into the locker room to cry. What's wrong with this picture?

9:46 - Donovan McNabb throws another interception. Maybe Rush Limbaugh was right ...

9:54 - Donovan McNabb makes another bonehead play. Rush Limbaugh was right ...

10:12 - With the ball at their own 10-yard line with a minute left, Chris Collingsworth says this is the best possible situation for Donovan McNabb. We disagree. The best possible situation would have been for the Eagles to be up 10 and running out the clock.

10:19 - The Eagles continue to use the huddle with 3:00 left in the game. Rush Limbaugh has just been named the new Eagles offensive coordinator.

10:20 - Harrison picks off the ball, the sob stories begin about rough childhoods.

10:21 - Crap, now what do we do the rest of the night?

10:36 - Patriots owner Bob Craft comes to the podium wasted and makes a fool out of himself. Luckily, Suzy Kolber was not in attendance.


1 comment:

Bob Hunt said...

Whoever decided to make the movie Hitch should be fired. And why does Kevin James get to go out with hot girls in everything he is in? And how could I learn from this?