Un-Realest of the Week

Reggie Miller.

Reasons:
* Leg kick
* Pushing (remember the shove he gave Jordan in the playoffs to hit the game-winning 3?)
* Flopping
* Trash talking (even Jordan threw a punch at him)
* Fucked up teeth
* Holding his hand in the air after made shots

Oh well, at least everyone will ALWAYS remember Tayshaun sending his shit in the stands during the playoffs last year (which, we might add, he cried for a goaltending call after).



Being coot again 

Wanted: Road Dog

Road Dog

It appears 1/2 o f The Realests is a lost cause. Here are the requirements to be one of my Road Dogs. The replacement will be in effect immediately:

* Eat at Waverly at least once a day
* Play NBA Live as long as I want, and then talk shit afterward to 7 year olds
* Strategize how to sell the movie script
* Scribe for all blog postings
* Helping to create new trends in clothing and language
* Quote Jay-Z when necessary
* Put "grind" after everything you say (Ex: Let's get on the blog grind)
* When drunk do one of the above: turn ankle, insult Little Vicente, call a bouncer a douche bag, flick off Puerto Ricans (make that all of the above)
* Bring Your Own Bozack
* Live off futon
* Without flinching, take a Joe's Pizza slice to the face
* Fix: broken tiles in bathroom, hot pole in bathroom, doorknob, and leaking hot water
* Begin writing script for "Cicadas" and "Centaurs" screenplays
* Allow access to your shampoo on a daily basis

That's all I can think of for now. I will make additions as necessary ...

Realest of the Week

Pac Man Jones 

Just when we thought people had stopped being real, he completely redeemed himself.

Anyone who saw the NFL Draft this weekend knows why. Up until Pac Man Jones, everyone was nicely dressed (even Cadillac had a collared shirt on), and conducted an interview. The Pac Man Jones busted that bitch wide open. As soon as Jones was picked, they went to a satelitte feed of him in Atlanta. He immediately screamed: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!" "Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" and "Yeaaaaaaaaaaah!" into the TV screen, while flashing his new Titans cap and Pac Man chain around his neck. After a breakdown from Mel Kiper, they went back to Pac Man, who was in the middle of the Thunder Clap. Everyone ahead of the Titans is now kicking themselves and it was reported by Chris Mortensen that Al Davis offered the Raider's next ten years of first round picks for Pac Man.

We must quickly mention Cedric "The Entertainer" Benson. When he was selected, he immediately started crying. We thought he had been "cootinized" like Braylon. But then he talked with Suzy Kolber about how the whole draft process was "a slap in the face." Then when asked why he was compared to Ricky Williams, he said: "we're both incredible athletes, same hair, African American..." We might also add that earlier in the year, Ced said he would rather win the Heisman than a national title. We were already starting to announce him Realest of the Week, when Suzy Kolber asked Benson why he cut the dreadlocks, he said he wanted a "business look." A very Braylon answer and automatic disqualification for this award.



Hey, look: It's Ricky Williams!!! Just kidding, Ced ... 

Hovi's Home

That's right...I'm back.

It's been a long time and 1/2 of The Realests has been handling the blog recently - doing a damn good job too.

I actually lied before...I'm not back yet...but after finals I will be.

And I'll be bringing the bozacks.

- Stop That Ahki

Note: I also find it startling that my lack of blogging would have such a jarring effect on people. If you've paid any attention to anything recently, you've noticed that once-real people have fallen. Like we've always said, there's nothing worse than a fallen champion. These guys need to drop the whole me-last team-first approach. A few examples if you will:

Ricky Davis - The man who said "Fuck that shit bitch" in response to a ball boy's request to move his car has become America's sweetheart. This makes me sick to my stomach. While Ricky made a last gas effort to save his realety by declaring a sweep of the Pacers before Game 1 was even over, I would much rather have him say "Fuck that shit bitch" when the dickriding announcers ask him how he's turned it all around.

Braylon Edwards - We could have seen this one coming - J. Brady even blogged about it (We are all idiots for letting Big Blue pull the wool over our eyes). The man who once dreamed of being an R. Kelly body double has flipped the script and lost his mind. That post-draft interview left me feeling empty and cheated. Direct quote from Braylon - "You come in thinking you know everything and its a great process just to become more humble and be more of a team player." He also let Sportscenter follow him around before the draft. Another quote - "Man, I gotta look good on TV. I'm going for the corporate casual look - People really look at what dudes wear." WHAT???? I guess we can forget about Braylon asking the Brown's owner if he can rename the Brown's cheerleaders "Braylon's Bitches." I want Braylon back, and I want him back now - J. Brady might have turned Braylition's career around but he destroyed his soul in the process. RIP Braylition - how real you once were.

Chris Weber - Here's an idea Chris -- Get a rebound, get into the paint. Do something. And, never ever ever ever say that "Anita Baker is my Michael Jordan." What happened to the thug who brought baggy shorts, black shoes and socks, throat slitting and weed to the NBA. It's sad when even Shane Battier has more street cred then you. Get. Your. Mind. Right.

Realests are dropping like flies. We need bozacks and we need them now. Good thing DP and Chloe held it down on 24. Road. Dogs.

Realest of the Week

Lyonne 

This bitch might look familiar, and not just because real recognize real. She's the not-hot friend of Tara Reid in American Pie that explains to Rookie of the Year that he can't make Tara orgasm.

Real Part I: Charges for criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing after she ripped a mirror off her neighbor's wall and threatening to fuck her dog (this is true, we swear - although newspapers coot out and say she threatened to "sexually molest" the dog).

Real Part II: Lyonne showed up in the courthouse about an hour late Monday. But she only stuck around for about 30 minutes before she apparently lost patience waiting for her case to be called and left.

As always, we will critique on how to make this realer:
* In wake of Paris Hilton's success with "One Night in Paris", American Pie chick comes out with a beastiality film named "Knick-knack, cock smack, give Lyonne a bone."


- Real

NBA All-Soft Team

As we were watching the NBA tonight, we realized there are a lot of cooters in the NBA. We decided to put together the best of the coots. We tried to pick players that actually get in the game as opposed to people like Darko because it's easy to be soft and not get playing time. You must have fooled some people if they actually let you in the game after you are still a cooter. Here is the team:


Point Guard: Casey Jacobson - What the fuck is on dude's face? 


Shooting Guard: Allan Houston - Pulling up, like always 


Shooting Forward: Jason Collins - Even Tayshaun couldn't resist punching him in the face 


Power forward: Michael Olowokandi - You're blocking the wrong side of the hoop, dog nuts 


Center: Yao Ming - The guy can't even take it up strong on the "Slug Man" - Shawn Kemp 

Head Coach: David Robinson

Also coot:
Marc Blount - more suited for the All-Apathetic Team
Reggie Miller - especially the leg kick he does for foul calls
Darko Milicic
Nikoli Tskitishvili
Mike Dunleavy - "The Quiet One"
Shawn Bradley
Marc Jackson - the 76ers center, not the guard
Adonal Foyle
Jason Kapono
Rasho Nesterovic

Pretty Pink and Baby Blue

"My new name is Just The Facts" 



"The Diplomats...Not just a type of music, it's a movement" 

Sheffield Saga

For once, I'm glad ESPN is showing a replay 110,231 times. The whole situation is so ambigious, you have to see it over and over and over. It's a lot like the "Second Spitter" episode on Seinfeld with Keith Hernandez (if you haven't seen it, see it). There should a reenactment on Baseball tonight with Harold Reynolds as Sheffield (of course, because he is black), Karl Ravech is the guy that took the swipe, and John Kruk is the fat guy in the Gap sweatshirt.

Here is a link to the highlight, provided by MLB.com (definitely view the 350K version):

http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/article.jsp?ymd=20050415&content_id=1016357&vkey=news_mlb&fext=.jsp&c_id=mlb

Question #1: "Was the fan going for the ball, trying to be an ass, or swinging at Sheffield?"

I've been convinced of each one at some point watching the video. In the end, I think the guy was just trying to be an ass. I don't think he was going for the ball, because his hand is like 5 feet away from the ball. And I don't think he was swinging at Sheffield because he isn't even looking at Sheffield. He obviously looked drunk so what I think was going through his mind was: "Keep ball going, Red Sox score more runs..."

Question #2 (and the more interesting one): "Did that other fan intentionally throw the beer on Sheffield?"

(the guy is to the left of the swiping fan, and it's hard to see him in this video - but it's worth trying to find)

Again, I have been convinced of both answers. At first, I thought the beer was spilled on accident because Sheffield came into the stands. THEN, you realize the beer wasn't spilled because of that. You can see the guy have a quick flick of the wrist and the beer hits Sheffield right in the back - definitely looks intentional. BUT THEN, you see it again. The guy was drinking the beer a second before, and the flick is a jerking motion, as if he was shoved. A second later, he turns around with his mouth open, as if to say "Hey! That was 8 bucks!" Either way, the fan was pretty heads up for this reason (not to be confused with the swinging fan that talked shit, not that guy): after the beer hit Sheffield, he was ready to get clocked. So if you watch close enough, the guy starts moving away from Sheffield and eventually LAYS DOWN in the row.

Other noticeable fans:
* Guy in the black fleece that shoves his camera in the whole thing to take a picture of Sheffield.
* Guy in the red hoody that flicks Sheffield off from a couple feet away. I wonder if that guy would do the same thing on the street ...

This is exactly what baseball needed to recover from the steroid controversy. Props to everyone involved.

Oh yeah, and A-Rod saved a kid's life before the game. That was good for baseball too.

Apparently there are a lot of dickriders out there...

As soon as we mention the idea, this is what happens.

From the AP:

"The NFL doesn't want Ron Mexico to play for the Falcons.

Since that name was listed as an alias for Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick in a lawsuit filed last month, people have gone to the NFL's online store to order Vick's No. 7 replica jersey with a personalized 'MEXICO' on the back.

But fans trying to order the customized jersey now get this message: 'The personalization entered cannot be accepted.' "

Un-Realest of the Week

Shane with his cooter fake laugh 

VS.


Nikoli 


It's not just enough to give recognition to those that are most real - it is time to humiliate those that are not real.

The least real person this week was definitely Shane Battier. Don't get me wrong, I am a huge Shane Battier supporter. But what he said just escalated an already-bitter rivalry between him and Nikoloz Tskitishvili.

Shane has been infuriated since watching the 2002 Draft and seeing no-name Nikoli get drafted higher than he did a year before. The two have had epic battles in NBA Live. Shane usually prevails because of his fundamental basketball and the fact that Tish can't hit a shot in the 4th quarter.

But what Shane had to say this week was just a low blow. After Indiana Pacers forward Jermaine O'Neal came out and said the age minimum was racist, Shane spoke out and said he SUPPORTED the age limit. His reasoning:
1) College will benefit all of these players beyond basketball
2) He doesn't like the idea of young players taking the jobs of veterans.

Shane then followed that with his trademark cooter laugh (pictured above), which he patented with his "We're No. 1!" finger after the National Championship game.

Although he never said the word "Tish", "Nikoli", "Skeet" or any other alias of Nikoloz, this was obviously a direct shot at him. Tish never went to college and is a foreigner taking American jobs away - then pissing them away on the bench.

What led to the increased hostility? Odds are this is a direct result of the shot pictured below, when Tish layed the ball in on Shane - WHILE facing the opposite direction from the hoop. Definitely the most disrespect Shane has seen since Jason Richardson bounced the ball off his forehead in the Rookie/Sophomore All-Star Game.

But what really pissed Shane off is that it just wasn't fundamental basketball.



Tish with the backward shot 

Realest of the Week

Big players step up in big games. After seeing what Pat O'Brien had done, Vick raised his play to a new level - giving his girlfriend genital herpes that he already knew about. Most importantly, he went to a testing center and used the alias Ron Mexico to keep his identity unknown. The fact that it actually says "Michael D. Vick aka Ron Mexico" on the court document is just ridiculous. Vick did not match O'Brien, but he came close enough to also ensure himself a-play game in the Real Final Four - which now has six people in it.

We are not here to dickride, but rather to critique. A couple ways this could be realer:
* At the testing facility, given them the name Kobe Bryant instead. In the unlikely event he gets caught, Vick explaining himself by just going "Ball don't lie..."
* Atlanta Falcons' public relations department works with the marketing department to rebuild the superstar and team's image by immediately printing 5 million #7 jerseys in kiddie size with "Mexico" on the back to be sold by all local sporting good stores.
* OR Vick tells the media this is actually a sob story. It turns out Michael Vick's real name ACTUALLY IS Ron Mexico. Growing up without parents or a home, he caught herpes in one of his many foster homes from his crack whore mom. He then changed his name to breakaway from such a tormented past. By passing it on to the girlfriend he loves, his old life has finally caught up to him in a story that is a loss for the human spirit.



Mexico 

Realest of the Week

And BY FAR the Realest so far - PAT O'BRIEN.

In fact, there might have to be a play-game in the Real Final Four, that's how real he is.

Pat O'Brien has a wife, a mistress, and a girlfriend. He got busted for leaving naughty voice mails on his girlfriend's phone. Here is what one article says:

"Message after message the stunningly sleazy comments to his coworker get more and more graphic as Pat gets more and more into the idea of watching the voicemail recipient and "Betsy" or a "hire a hooker" do things to one another while doing "coke."

At one point, he seems to acknowledge his actions as being a little...well...off when he remarks "I dont know whats wrong with me...I dont do this" and then leaps right back into "...but I just want to make you fucking crazy...let's just fucking have sex and fun and drugs.....and go crazy."

We'd also like to at that O'Brien repeatedly talks about how he wants one girlfriend to eat the other girlfriend's coot.

If you'd like to hear the audio yourself, here is a link:

http://www.methodshop.com/2005/03/pat-obriens-dirty-voice-mail-messages.shtml

O'Brien then immediately checked himself into rehab.


O'Brien thinking about doing Nancy O'Dell doggy style 

Realest of the Week

Would have been Chucky Atkins, if he had stuck to his guns calling Kobe the GM of the Lakers.

Instead, it's going to Barry Bonds and his son. Bonds sealed the deal by putting his head on the top of his crutch, mummbling to himself: "I'm tired, I'm just tired." The kid was pretty real sitting there in his Barry Sanders jersey. Only critique we have is that when they blew by the cameras, he should've popped the jersey at the haters.

Most Beaten to Death Sports Story of the Week

Interviewing Iowa coach Steve Alford, who played all of the teams in the Final Four.

Remember when: Kevin Garnett talked about bringing bozacs and hand grenades to the NBA Playoffs?

Haters no like

Guess one of the people we sent the movie to - and everyone that reads his blog - didn't like our movie concept:

http://queryletters.blogspot.com/2005/03/civilzing-world-one-frat-at-time.html