12.20.2007

MY TRIP TO GIANTS STADIUM

It's taken a couple days for the emotional scarring to heal from my trip to Giants Stadium for the Redskins-Giants game on Sunday.

If you've ever been to an NFL game - especially a night game - you know it's complete debauchery. I'd imagine the experience for a young kid is about as traumatic as seeing Channel 35 transvestites shake their dong in your face.

But what I witnessed Sunday night was above and beyond all my expectations for Giants fans, who recreated the 8th Circle of Hell. I would venture to say it was comparable to the 2002 Ohio State-Michigan game in Columbus.

In just 4 short hours I witnessed the following:

- A drunken wife nagging her husband to leave the game in the 3rd quarter, then accusing him of adultery once his phone rang. When the husband tried to ignore her, she started screaming, "No one wants a husband with a three-inch cock - HARD!"

No long able to block her out while she screamed about his ineptness in the bedroom, the husband screamed back: "Well no one wants a wife with tits down to her belly button!" He then stormed off, apparently leaving the stadium and leaving the wife to fend for herself and hitch-hike home.

On a side note, and you wonder why every kid you know from New York is nuttier than a fruit cake? (Except for you, The Dude. You're special.)

- Fans pelting each other repeatedly with snowballs like monkeys and multiple fights getting broken up by the Highlighter Jacket Crew - apparently this is a step forward from pelting players with snowballs.

- A handful of Sean Taylor jokes in the stadium, including one guy telling me to "Sit down, he's dead." Once we got on the bus, Giant fans busted out a full-blown chant of "Sean Taylor's dead! Sean Taylor's dead!" Strictly class and extra points for creativity.

- The guys in front of us so wasted that they started pouring vodka straight into their friend's hot chocolate, completely unaware that the steaming liquid was overflowing and dousing their friend's hands.

- The guy behind us screaming "Looking at Shockey lying on the field like a pussy!" while Shockey writhed in pain over his broken leg.

- A guy so wasted in the parking lot that he scaled a small mountain of snow, turning a piece of cardboard into a makeshift sled and wiping out on his ass. Undeterred, he turned to a waiting crowd screaming, "Who's next?! Who's next?!" To which everyone replied, "You are."

- A guy doing this:



OK, maybe not. But you can imagine if he did.

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