NOTE TO NBA BRASS

Dear Commish:

We'd just like to have it noted that this does not celebrate Latino culture - it's the most shameless attempt to move merchandise since Mark Cuban's ridonkulous NBA football jersey-ploy. (Note: No word on whether they will put an "o" at the end of every player's name).

Have some self-respect, Dave.

- The Realests

P.S. We actually blame the Mets for this whole debacle. Was there another team that started it? We want names!

CAN THIS ACTUALLY, REALLY BE HAPPENING?

We don't want to jinx it - but we can't wait any longer: Is Chinese Fuckin' Democracy really being released on Nov. 23?

I don't think people understand that The Realests have been waiting on this album since middle school, when we wore our "Use Your Illusion II" shirts to class trying to impress the ladies.

I mean the whole album has become a running joke for a decade..

And the odds of Axl Rose actually being coherent long enough to make a full album at this point is the equivalent of watching a solar eclipse, winning the lottery, and getting struck by lightning at the same time (it's science...).

But we'll just come out and say it: We actually, finally believe this album is coming out.

Now we just need to decide which we'll look back on as a bigger day in demcroacy's history: this album dropping or the fall of the Berlin Wall.

REALESTSDAMUS' 2008-09 NBA PREDICTIONS

EASTERN CONFERENCE
Atlantic: Boston
Central: Cleveland
Southeast: Orlando

WESTERN CONFERENCE
Northwest: Utah
Pacific: L.A. Lakers
Southwest: New Orleans

Eastern Conference No. 1 Seed: Boston
Western Conference No. 1 Seed: L.A. Lakers
LVP: T-Eddy Curry & Vince Carter
MVP: LeBron James
Eastern Conference Finals: Cleveland def. Boston
Western Conference Finals: New Orleans def. L.A. Lakers
NBA Finals: New Orleans def. Cleveland - Chris Paul's revenge
Breakout Player: John Salmons - Jose Calderon doesn't count, people!
Breakout Player II: Wilson Chandler - D'Antoni's comparing him to Marion
Sleeper: Miami
Super-Sleeper: Chicago
Worst Team: New Jersey Nets (19-62) - Vinsanity on DL by December
N.Y. Knicks Record: 37-45 - Still can't stop anyone
2008 NBA Draft Bust: Kevin Love
2009 No. 1 overall pick: Demar DeRozan
Rookie of the Year: Derrick Rose
First GM Fired: Steve Kerr
First Coach Fired: Randy Wittman
Best Offseason Move: Trading T.J. Ford
Best Offseason Move II: Frontcourt of Balkman & Birdman
Worst Offseason Move: Backcourt of (Baron) Davis & (Ricky) Davis
Best 10 Players in the NBA:
1. LeBron James
2. Kobe Bryant
3. Dwight Howard
4. Chris Paul
5. Dwyane Wade
6. Paul Pierce
7. Amare Stoudemire
8. Tim Duncan
9. KG
10. Dirk
5 Worst Starting Defenders:
1. Wally Szczerbiak
2. Carmelo Anthony
3. Zach Randolph
4. Amare Stoudemire
5. Kevin Durant

SOMEONE TEST THIS MAN

So we're watching the Kansas-Texas Tech game when the announcers introduce us to 6-7, 350-pound Red Raiders O-lineman Brandon Carter - nicknamed "Mankind" after former pro wrestler Mick Foley (also a psycho).

Um, how many red flags do you need that someone is doing an insane amount of anabolic steroids?

Dude looks like the psycho DE Lattimer from "The Program" and Andre Ware even said his pre-game ritual is biting the heads off bats in the locker room.

OK, we made that part up.

But he's at least smashing his head into car windows in the parking lot:

PUTTING THE KIBOSH ON LLOYD TO SYRACUSE

I thought my head was going to explode when I heard the "Lloyd Carr to Syracuse" rumors.

But hey, there's been crazier shit on message boards (i.e. Jeff McInnis sleeping with Phil Ford's wife, which has surprisingly stood the test of time).

But what's even more insane is that from looking at these sites, Syracuse fans actually seem EXCITED about the possibility of hiring Lloyd.

I keep seeing phrases like "instant credibility", "big-name coach" and "great recruiter." This even lists him as the No. 2 candidate behind Lane Kiffin (don't even get us started on that).

Syracuse fans: Get a grip.

I know you'll settle for just about anyone other than G Rob at this point, but this is a 63-year old coach with a 4-play offense (off-tackle, draw, TE over the middle, reverse) that was running on fumes for the entire 2007 season and still doesn't have a clue how to stop the spread (he's probably already having nightmares about facing the Wildcat formation Pitt is murdering people with).

Our hunch? The 'Cuse wants the low-down on Ball State coach and former Michigan assistant Brady Hoke. Think big Orange fans!

JEN WALCOTT: THE WORLD'S HOTTEST WAG

The World's Hottest WAG polls are officially closed.

We planned on announcing the winner yesterday but things were so close between Walcott and Cheryl Cole that we didn't want a 2000-like debacle on our hands as we sifted through hanging chads for a winner.

It was like a heavyweight bout between these two, who slugged it out round after round as the momentum just kept changing on a dime.

But it's now official: Playboy's Miss August 2001, Jennifer Walcott, is the people's choice for World's Hottest WAG - proving once again that it's Adam Archuleta's world, and the rest of us are just livin' in it (apologies for butchering this phrase earlier).

Walcott prevailed by taking 26.7% of the vote to Cole's 24.7%.

Thanks to the thousands of perverts that turned out to the polls, resulting in a voting frenzy beyond our wildest expectations.

Now please don't turn into cyber stalkers like this psycho.

And most of all, congrats to the happy couple, who are engaged and raising their new-born son in Arizona. We're sure Arch Deluxe already has the young tyke on a furious power lifting program in preparation for the 2030 NFL combine.

As a special tip of the cap, we'd like to offer the family a $5 gift certificate to any Chuck E. Cheese in the continental United States (not redeemable after 11/1/08).

It's the least we can do.

Editor's Note: You have no idea how proud it makes us to be No. 1 on Google when you search for "World's Hottest WAG."

We made it ma! Top of the World! TOP OF THE WORLD!!!

WADE PHILLIPS IS CONFUSED

Dallas Cowboys coach Wade Phillips' reaction to the Roy Williams trade:

"What do you mean how do I feeeeel about Roy Willyums? Same way I felt about him last week: It's been all downhill since he dumped the gurrrl from Destiny's Chiiild and the boy can't coverrrr fo shit no mo...."

"Well now I didn't say we wurr movin' him to wideout, that just make no damnnnn since, boia!!!!!"

"Wait, what da heeell are you trying to tell me??? Out with it sunnnn!!!!!"

"So your sayin' there's two of 'um?!?! So there's the Roy Willyums I know -- and then there's anuther wuunnn we just got from DEEEE-troit??? OK, and I'm fuckin' Santa Claus..."

"What trade you damn fuuuuls?!?! You must think I'm a pretty stupid somabitch to believe we traded Roy Williams to ourselves!!!!!"

Upon confirmation that Dallas had, in fact, acquired another Roy Williams from Cowboys PR standing next to him, he leaned over and started massaging his temples.

And then his head exploded.

STAKES IS HIGH

Hope you're all registered and voting for Obama.

Because we're up against this...





We'll break down our full endorsement later. There will be no jokes because this is serious business.

VACATION

Wondering where we've been for the last week. Sorry folks but we've been tripping on acid with spider monkeys off the coast of St. Barts - changed our whole perspective on shit.

How long will it last you ask? Who knows? Maybe forever...

THIS CAN ONLY END BADLY

Scott Linehan: You bastard.

This man should be arrested and charged with attempted murder.

As you already know, human rag doll Trent Green is replacing Marc Bulger as the Rams starting quarterback in a last-ditch effort for Linehan to keep his job.

Green - the same guy who is still lucky to be walking around after the shot he took last year and the one former teammate Jason Taylor admitted is one more blow away from his brain turning into "scrambled eggs."

Gee, putting Green behind the worst offensive line in the league with a blitz-happy Dick Jauron sending the house all day - what could possibly go wrong?

How about this. Or this. Or this.

You get the idea.

I mean Orlando Pace was great 10 surgeries ago. Now they might as well just put a cow at left tackle. As for the rest of them: Other than Alex Barron - who also stinks, by the way - who are these fuckin' guys? Jacob Bell? Brett Romberg? Richie Incognito?!?! Are you serious?

This is getting to Evander Holyfield-level, where he should be banned from playing in the league for his own safety. Roger Goodell, step up or step off! We're begging someone to do something!

Can't you just picture last night in the Green household? Trent tucked the kids in, telling them "Dad might be going away for awhile." Meanwhile, Mrs. Green cried herself to sleep picturing her husband in a hospital bed with tapioca all over his face - AGAIN.

Well, if this line doesn't fire up the Rams in the huddle right before they break, nothing will:

"Block... or I'll die."

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

We're kicking it old school with today's lyrics from "I'm Me." Though it came before Weezy's masterpiece, Tha Carter III, I think we can all agree it's some of Master Wayne's finest work:

"The only time I wear Depends is when I'm 70 years old. That's when I can't hold my shit within, so I shit on myself. Cause I'm so sick and tired of shitting on everybody else."

Yeah, the transitive theory. We get it. Have since middle school:

• You = The shit

• Shit = Poop

Therefore,

• You = Poop

I mean I was pretty proud of myself for writing a song called "Poop and Peep Make a Great Flava" - but I was 8-years old. Get over it already.

And are you telling us you will still crap your pants as an old man even if you have control over your bowel movements - just because you're tired of defecating on other people?

Really?

Really Weezy???

Damn. That's real.

Note: We're on a huge T.I. kick, so do yourself a favor and check out our bangers of the week:

COLLEGE FB WEEKEND ROUNDUP

Even with Michigan's bye week, it was another spectacular weekend of football. Unless you live in Syracuse. Then it was another miserable weekend of college football. But we digress:


• Man, I'm glad we didn't hire that guy. Greg Schiano has been exposed now that Ray Rice is no longer around. Kind of scary to think this guy shot us down and Rich Rod had to beg us for a job. Rutgers dropped to 0-3 after its third straight anemic performance, this time losing to Navy. QB Mike Teel took out his frustration at the end of the game by punching his own safety in the face. This team could easily be 1-7 before its Battle Royale with Syracuse on Nov. 8.

• Speaking of the 'Cuse, the dead kitten count is now at 222. But hey, maybe that nine-point win over Northeastern will sway the Kitty Killer to spare one life. Or not...

• Phil Fulmer is the new Lloyd Carr. Sadly, we're surprised the game with Florida was even that close. But it'll give Vol fans even more reason to call for his head. Normally we'd say Fulmer will rally the troops and make a bowl game to save his job, but we're not so sure with at No. 10 Auburn, at No. 3 Georgia and No. 9 Alabama before the end of October. Yowers in his trowsers.

• Isn't life post-Ohio State great? My dad gave away his tickets, refused to watch the game, speaks with Jim Tressel with the same contempt he had for John Cooper and claimed he is already looking forward to college basketball season. Just like the good old days...

• Our vote goes to Todd Boeckman for Lehman Brothers Player of the Year. How about this guy going from a "Heisman contender" to a one-play backup in the span of a month?

• We know USC plays down to its competition, but it could win every Pac-10 game by 50 points. Wow. This conference is awful. 0-5 vs. the Mountain West? Pathetic. And ASU-Georgia game was never close. And who knows how bad they'll run up the score on UCLA after the stunt Rick Neuheisel (code name: "Ben Dover") just pulled in the L.A. Times.

• Temple isn't looking so hot as our "super sleeper" pick. But people don't realize they lost to UConn in OT and Buffalo on a Hail Mary. They could easily be 3-1 right now. We know, we know. Sour grapes.

• We're already tired of the BYU BCS talk. Yes, they've got a great shot at going undefeated with only one stiff test left (Nov. 22 at Utah). But are we really gonna do the hypothetical argument about whether this team should be playing for the national title if they go 12-0? Please spare us.

• Notre Dame is awful. Which makes us utterly repulsive. But at least we haven't completely tuned out our coach at this point. Advantage: Michigan.

• We're sticking with our guns that Les Miles wasn't the right hire for Michigan. We don't care how many national titles he wins at LSU. OK, maybe we care a little bit. Like we cautioned with East Carolina, everyone hold their horses with the LSU hype. Let's see how they do with No. 4 Florida and No. 3 Georgia in the span of three weeks and no quarterback to speak of.

• Ditto with the Penn State hype. Are we the only ones that remember PSU hasn't beaten Michigan since 1996? Nonconference is the new preseason; it doesn't mean squat (at least when you schedule like Penn State it is).

• We'd say the same thing for Minnesota but people aren't that stupid. After all, we're dealing with these jokers:

THE WORLD'S HOTTEST WAG: FINALE

Here are the results from the Sweet 16:

1) Cheryl Cole def. 4) Carly Zucker: 2,528-683
3) Minka Kelly def. 2) Yesica Toscanini: 1,213-816

4) Jennifer Walcott def. 1) Gisele Bundchen: 1,639-1,267
2) Alena Seredova def. 3) Anara Atanes: 1,549-1,108

1) Abigail Clancy def. 4) Nereida Gallardo: 1,490-1,095
2) Oksana Andersson def. 3) Jessica Simpson: 1,584-1,063

1) Adriana Lima def. 4) Jennifer Metcalfe: 1,750-757
3) Sylvie van der Vaart def. 2) Carmella Decesare: 1,532-977

Not too many surprises here except Jennifer Walcott's anihiliation of Gisele Bundchen, adding insult to injury for Tom Brady. Tom: If it makes you feel any better, we still find her attractive. Kind of.

Judging from the results, Cole and Walcott have to be considered the frontrunners at this point.

Now on to business.

How's this for a flip on your face: Did we say a week per round? Screw that.

Instead of milking as many hits out of this as we can, we're taking the 8 winners from the Sweet 16, minus Alena Seradova - judging by the last round, she doesn't have a shot at the title and would only be the Ralph Nader of WAGs.

On top of that, we're throwing out the seeds and going grimey McGrimerson with a WWF Royal Rumble-style finale to decide this thing.

Let's get ready to rumbllllllllllllllllllllllllllle!!!!

Cheryl Cole

Husband: Ashley Cole (Chelsea FC)

Age: 25

Occupation: Singer, "Girls Aloud"

Country: England










VS.

Minka Kelly

Boyfriend: Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)

Age: 28

Occupation: Actress, "Friday Night Lights"

Country: USA









VS.

Jennifer Walcott

Fiance: Adam Archuleta (F/A)

Age: 31

Occupation: Model

Country: USA










VS.

Abigail Clancy

Husband: Peter Crouch (Portsmouth)

Age: 22

Occupation: Model

Country: England









VS.

Oksana Andersson

Boyfriend: Christian Wilhelmsson (Al-Hilal)

Age: 24

Occupation: Model & Actress

Country: Russia









VS.

Adriana Lima

Fiance: Marko Jaric (Memphis Grizzlies)

Age: 27

Occupation: Model, Victoria's Secret

Country: Brazil










VS.

Sylvie van der Vaart

Husband: Rafael van der Vaart (Real Madrid)

Age: 30

Occupation: Model & TV Personality

Country: Holland

THE WORLD'S HOTTEST WAG: SWEET 16

Editor's Note: You're still on the Sweet 16? Get with it dog, we're onto The Finals. Boy are you in for a surprise...


MONROE REGIONAL

1) Cheryl Cole

Husband: Ashley Cole (Chelsea FC)

Age: 25

Occupation: Singer, "Girls Aloud"

Country: England










VS.

4) Carly Zucker

Fiance: Joe Cole (Chelsea FC)

Age: 23

Occupation: Personal trainer

Country: England





















2) Yesica Toscanini

Boyfriend: Juan Roman Riquelme (Boca Juniors)

Age: 22

Occupation: Model

Country: Argentina










VS.

3) Minka Kelly

Boyfriend: Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)

Age: 28

Occupation: Actress, "Friday Night Lights"

Country: USA





















HILTON REGIONAL

1) Gisele Bundchen

Boyfriend: Tom Brady (New England Patriots)

Age: 28

Occupation: Model, Victoria's Secret

Country: Brazil










VS.

4) Jennifer Walcott

Fiance: Adam Archuleta (F/A)

Age: 31

Occupation: Model

Country: USA





















2) Alena Seredova

Fiance: Gigi Buffon (Juventus FC)

Age: 30

Occupation: Model & Actress

Country: Czech Republic










VS.

3) Anara Atanes

Boyfriend: Kieran Richardson (Sunderland)

Age: 20

Occupation: Model

Country: England





















POSH REGIONAL

1) Abigail Clancy

Husband: Peter Crouch (Portsmouth)

Age: 22

Occupation: Model

Country: England










VS.

4) Nereida Gallardo

Ex-Boyfriend: Cristiano Ronaldo (Manchester United)

Age: 25

Occupation: Model

Country: Spain





















2) Oksana Andersson

Boyfriend: Christian Wilhelmsson (Al-Hilal)

Age: 24

Occupation: Model & Actress

Country: Russia










VS.

3) Jessica Simpson

Boyfriend: Tony Romo (Dallas Cowboys)

Age: 28

Occupation: Singer, Actress

Country: USA





















SHIELDS REGIONAL

1) Adriana Lima

Fiance: Marko Jaric (Memphis Grizzlies)

Age: 27

Occupation: Model, Victoria's Secret

Country: Brazil










VS.

4) Jennifer Metcalfe

Boyfriend: Jermaine Pennant (Liverpool)

Age: 23

Occupation: Actress & Model

Country: England














2) Carmella Decesare

Husband: Jeff Garcia (Tampa Bay Bucs)

Age: 26

Occupation: Model

Country: USA










VS.

3) Sylvie van der Vaart

Husband: Rafael van der Vaart (Real Madrid)

Age: 30

Occupation: Model & TV Personality

Country: Holland