Y'all can't floss on his level

1/2 of The Realests finally stepped up. In an unprecedented move, he decided to go out and do it big. Needless to say, the results were real. Very real. We went uptown to hang out with college friends. 1/2 of The Realests was already pretty done in by the time we got there. Being his usual anti-social self, 1/2 of The Realests wanted to leave soon after we got there. But he had to have a grand exit. So first, he he asked me to pour a glass of beer on his head. Always willing to push him to be his best, I gladly obliged. He took it like a man and didn't flinch. Then he said that if I finished my beer, he would dump the rest of the pitcher on his head. I wish we had video taped it. I cooted out, and instead, in a move of brilliance, 1/2 of The Realests downed my beer, poured the pitcher on his head, and stood up in one clean motion. We had already hit the door to the bar by the time the bouncer said, "Hey you, you're out of here."

Now, this would be a good story if it ended here. But there's more.

On the way back downtown, we discussed how the haters no like and how we were gonna flip mctwerk it once the movie gets made. Anyway, we end up at Joe's Pizzeria, where all great nights start/end. I buy 2 slices for each of us. We get back to the apartment and finish our food. We simultaneously stare at each other and realize that neither of us our full, yet. There was only one possible solution - 2 #2 meals from Mickey D's. So we go. And we order. And we leave. And I convince Weber to pour his coke on himself on the way home. The kid is real. We get home and open up our bags of food, but unfortunately my burgers have ketchup all over them. I was upset, but Weber was happy because that meant that he could eat my burgers too. But he cooted out of that. That might have been his only unreal move of the night.

Sundov vs. Moondog

Is this the next Kobe/Shaq feud? Bruno Sundov is currently a bench warmer for the Knicks, but used to be a Cavalier. Obviously Moondog is the centerpiece of the Cavalier franchise as the mascot. Rumors are swirling that Moondog became insanely jealous and forced GM Jim Paxson to waive Sundov. Unforunately, there is still no apparent connection between Moondogs and Cleveland, Cavaliers or basketball in general.

Real recognize Real

As both we and Google are real, we looked familiar to the search engine. It has come to our attention that when you type in "The Realests" in a Google search, we are the first thing to pop up. Speaking on behalf of The Realests, we are truly flattered to be crowned by such a powerful source of knowledge as The (Undisputed) Realests. Welcome to all of you that typed that into your search in a quest to find what and who is real. As I'm sure you will soon agree, we do not disappoint.

- The Realests

Pizza Pie to the face

With my help, 1/2 of The Realests elevated himself close to 50 Cent status last night. The scene: He comes home wasted with a slice of Ben's pizza. As always, I use his inebriation as an opportunity to make him do stupid things by questioning his manhood. Yesterday's challenge: allowing me to throw the remaining half of his pizza slice at his face from point blank range. To his credit, he immediately agreed to the deal. And I'll tell you what, I really wound up with that slice - there was no mercy. The slice slammed off his temple onto the futon, with pepperoni everywhere. he then went into a tirade, asking rhetorically and repeatedly, "Did I flinch?! Did I flinch?! Did I flinch?!" Back to the 50 Cent comparison: if anything comes close to being shot in the face, it's taking a pepperoni slice to the face. Now he only has to do it 8 more times.

Haters no like

To all you dick riders out there: the movie is getting rave reviews already. Yeah, that's right. I said it. Warren Zide of American Pie fame told us he "loved the idea" of the movie over his Blackberry, and told us to send it to him. So now you haters gotta fuck with it because the flow is so tight. We have already written ourselves checks to cash when we hit it big, just like Jim Carrey. Except this check is for 3 trillion dollars. We are currently working on using the National Debt clock in Times Square to count our movie profits. The moral of this story is never to doubt us. Oh yeah, and we are collecting a list of all the haters so that we keep track of who's been down to ride since Day One. There will be no dick riders.

I have lost my mind

I couldn't fall asleep last night. The last I checked it was around 4 AM. That's when my acid trip dream started. I have no idea how to explain everything that happened and am having a hard time connecting the parts of the dream, but I woke up at 7 AM completely alert and convinvced that the world we are living in right now is a dream. Let's see what I can recollect about a dream in which I watched a movie (And yes, this is true):

- Animals having sex
- Seeing the same people over and over in multiple roles
- Riding the train with my mom, which for some reason was above ground
- The movie being directed by Spike Jonze, who was wearing a sunflower costume and wouldn't respond to anything I was saying - he just kept making randoms noises with the top of the sunflower being directly over his face.
- Realizing the whole scene I had witnesses was in my head (but this part was also in my head too) and that moment basically turning into Wicker Park with Josh Hartnett, although I haven't actually seen that movie
- A secret society in which very important people such as United States Presidents were still alive and had cheated death somehow
- When I bolted for the door of the secret society, I became frozen and then transported back in time to where I was before trying to make my escape
- Being in a movie theater and watching the very end of the movie I was talking about, which was me sitting in the movie theater and watching the end of the movie (think: Get Shorty)

This movie is obviously filled with ideas from and for our movie, which leads me to two conclusions: I am hitting a creative peak that can never be matched or I will be in a mental institute by the end of this week.

The Legend

January 21, 2004. Remember that date. It might be the most important in the history of the National Basketball Association. The Pistons traded for Carlos Arroyo and two first round draft picks in exchange for Elden Campbell. I'm not even excited about getting Carlos -- who just might be the missing piece for this year's team. No - I'm more excited about the two draft picks. It turns out that Carlos' two younger brothers, Marlos and Farlos, are identical twins. Farlos came out earlier and is probably 3 to 4 minutes older. They are 14 years old, weigh about 75 pounds each, and stand at a solid 4'11" each. And they're going pro next year. The Arroyo brothers' father served in the Puerto Rican army. Unfortunately, before Marlos and Farlos were born, their father was involved in a terrible accident which made his left leg 5 inches shorter than his right. What concerned the father most about this was the fact that his jumpshot would now be off. To compensate he built a slanted court. 6 months later, his twins were born. And 2 years after that, young Marlos and Farlos were on the slanted court practicing their fade away jumpshots for hours a day, no matter the weather, even giving up meals (not that there was enough money for food anyway). Carlos would bully Marlos and Farlos back in the day, continuously fouling them and jumping on their heads during 2 on 1 games. And then when he made the league, Carlos forgot about them. But now they're back...and they're pissed off. Being 3 to 4 minutes older, Farlos' eyesight is more developed and he has turned into a deadly jump shooter. Luckily, Marlos has fueled his youngest sibling anger toward becoming a fearless dribble drive penetrator. Marlos and Farlos will take the league by storm next year - the only thing they fear is Keon Clark. Next time I'll tell you about Darko, Marco, and Zarko playing for the Kings in Arco Arena.

Finished Movie

We finally finished our screenplay last night. It took a lot of work to getours mind right, but he finally did. I must say, just thinking about the movie is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. It's amazing that it can take almost a year and a half to write 89 pages, but that's what it takes to avoid pumping it out. I can honestly say I am proud of every page of the screenplay. We have agreed that as soon as we get a call back about the screenplay, we are immediately going to the 40/40 club and downing bottles of Armi. If we are really road dogs, we will then go back and forth between Joe's and Waverly until one of us pukes. And then I will pour the liquid that builds up on top of Ketchup after it sits for a long time all over his face.

Merck Patrol

I just finished watching the first half of the Pistons-Suns game. A few observations:
1. The Pistons are real. They'll easily win the East this year once we trade for another backup point guard to give Chauncey some rest. The Cavs cant keep this pace up, Shaq and Wade play with a bunch of nobodies, and if the Pacers have to play us in the playoffs at least 17 people will jump out of the stands and J.O will be forced to slide punch all of them.
2. Ben Wallace is a one man merck-machine. I think he had 32 offensive rebounds in the first half. He totally dominated Amare. Ben dominated the entire half and didn't even score a point. The incoherent Piston commentators were loving it - at one point Fred McLeod said, "Ben Wallace is playing great - He's nothing but vacuum and leather right now!!" If Blaha had been covering the game, his head might have exploded.
3. Shawn Marion is ugly. Very very ugly. And he has an ugly jump shot.
4. I dont understand why people call the Pistons the Stoners. It doesn't make that much sense to me.
5. I want Rasheed Wallace to go back to being completely insane and unpredictable. I want more techs, more flagrant fouls, and more of him going out to the loading dock after the game and threatening a ref and then challenging the entire Warriors team to a fight. I think that would give the Pistons a little more kick this year to get over the post-championship funk.
6. More Darko and Delfino. Larry Brown needs to stop hating foreigners.

Fratboy missionaries III

The Realests forgot to mention that not only do we have the sequel planned out, but the entire trilogy. They will be shot sequentially and released in a similar fashion the Lord of the Rings. FBM III will just be Fratboy Missionaries I, but at the end a dog is flushed down a toilet and turned blue (suck it Hamburg).

The sequel

We thought of a sequel to the movie a few days ago. Its tentatively title "Fratboy Missionaries 2: The gift and the curse OR Corey and Hunter are Hungry." The premise is simple. Corey and Hunter go out one night, have a good time, and on their way home become incredibly hungry. They stop at Joe's Pizza to grab a couple of slices and then on their way back to their apartment they stop at Waverly Diner for some ham and cheese omelettes. They are still not full after their omelettes, so they go back to Joe's, and then back to Waverly, etc. The movie ends when one of them explodes or falls on his face from eating too much food. (Note: This is based loosely off of real life.)

Recovery

Hey everyone - by now I'm sure you've heard about the unfortunate incident with me and the chicken parm. Apparently, you cant eat chicken parm and penne a la vodka for 3 weeks straight without it having some sort of negative effect on your body. I entered into a program to fix this problem of mine. It'll take time and effort, but I've never backed down from any challenge before, and I doubt that some Italian food will break my will. The road to recovery is long and hard, but with your support I know I'll be able to get through this tough time.

La Scatalina

So last night The Realests were watching 24 eating dinner from La Scatalina when 1/2 of The Realests suddenly Anchondos on the floor and starts foaming at the mouth. As soon as the medics arrived, they had to pump Chicken Parm out of his stomach. They then had to do a blood transfusion because his blood was completely a la vodka. He is in critical condition at the hospital. I will keep all friends and family posted via this blog. Check back soon for more updates, I'm going to visit him after work today.

The movie

For those of you that don't know, Jim and I are writing a movie about fratboy missionaries. The movie is tentatively titled "Fratboy Missionaries: The Gift and The Curse." We originally decided that the movie would make 3 trillion dollars and that we would split the profits equally. But I am starting to reconsider if we should stick with that original deal. After looking over the script, its clear that I've thought of 78% of the funny lines...Jim has thought of a few...Every dope has his day I guess...Right now, I think I should get much more than half of the profits...I've done more of the work and been much more real (look at Jim's last blog)....Now I'm going to bed...and yes, i am writing this blog because i am angry that jim compared me to landon...i'm much frattier than that douche

Bread/Ketchup War

1/2 of The Realests came home and pulled a Landon again. He was really being a douche: throwing my chair on the ground to wake up our neighbors, jumping on me while I was in bed, etc. But to his credit, he had a stroke of genius. He was sitting eating his Chicken Parm (for the third time in two days) when he threatened to throw a loaf of bread at my head. A man of his word, 1/2 of The Realests threw the piece and hit me in the nose. When I recovered, I look at the waste basket by my bed, to see the revolving top to be spinning like a dreidel. Before I had time to put the two together, 1/2 of The Realests had jumped up and showed me that the piece of bread had ricochet off my face into the trash can. Quite an accomplishment. Just when he thought he had reached his height of realesm, I chased him around with a ketchup bottle and he turned back into a Coot McCoot. It was a good night.

DMX News

DMX has been surrounded by controversy since dropping the line "And I would tell you to suck my dick, but you might suck it" on the song "We Go Hard."

Responding to claims that the line was nonsense, X had to say this:

"It makes perfect sense. I was saying that you should suck my dick, but I don't actually want my dick sucked by you, and why would I tell you to do something that I don't actually want you to do. Now that would be nonsense."

Wake up call

I woke up this morning to a car alarm that went off for 15 minutes. Every minute or so the alarm would stop for a couple seconds, fooling me to believe the problem had been solved. Ater 10 minutes, I soothed the pain of hearing the alarm by stabbing myself in the eye repeatedly with a pen.

Realety hits a snag

A guy at the end of my first tour this morning told me I seemed pissed off. This comes almost exactly one month after being fired from my Sports Corp Comm assignment for poor body language. I really need to get ahold of Meg Ryan's plastic surgeon:

http://graphics.jsonline.com/graphics/owlive/img/mar04/plastic_meg_031204_big.jpg

DE-TROIT BASKETBALL!!!

The Pistons have officially changed their motto from "Going to work: everyday" to "Going to work: every other day, not including weekends"

This blog will be totally sweet soon. As soon as we get an advance for the movie we're writing. What do you think the advance will be on a movie that will make a $3,000,000,000,000 profit? Enough to make this website totally sweet...