Moondog Request

The quest for Moondog is on. We will chronicle the e-mails back and forth trying to schedule him:


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Appearance_Description: I am a pistons fan. My roommate is a cavs fan. I
would like Moondog to come to a birthday gathering for my roommate. It
would make his year. Moondog is by far his favorite mascot in the league,
and the Cavs are his favorite team. How much would it be for Moondog to
come out here? Thanks for your help.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hourly appearance rate is $250, however for out of state you would also be
responsible for air/hotel.

Thanks for your interest. Let me know if you need additional help.

-Moondog




Moondog writing us back 

Guess Who's Back?

As Ma$e would say a couple more times, "Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back?" Yeah, that's right dickriders: we sent our script out to 10 people the other day. And some of them even requested that we send it to them.

The end is near for you, dickriders.

We are already trying to figure out how we get ahold of black cards. Then we are going to rack up amazing debt just because we can. It's gonna be a lot of G5 flights and shopping sprees.

Then we are buying the Atlanta Hawks. We are going to mortgage the entire future of the franchise to get the players we want, including the next 25 years of first round draft picks. Our projected starting lineup next season: Ricky Davis, Nikoli "Tish" Tskitishvili, Darko, Marko and Zarko. We will play home games in Arco Arena although it will still be an Atlanta based team. There is a much bigger Atlanta fan base in Northern California than people realize. The coach? Ricky Davis. We are also instituting the 25-point hoop used in Rock 'N Jock.

Fuck David Stern, fuck the NBA as a staff, league and a motherfuckin' crew. And if you are down with them, then fuck you too.

Don't everybody like the taste of apple pie.

Andre 3000 says the word "alright" about 30 times at the start of Gasoline Dreams.

Here are the lyrics to that portion of the song:

"Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright, Alr-Alr-Alright, Alright, Alright, Alright"

Real.

Realest of the Week

Silas 

Is gonna go to Paul Silas. It's amazing that a coach which traded Ricky Davis away twice could ever win this award, but he really changed his ways. Last week, Silas called Carlos Boozer a cunt before the Jazz came to Cleveland. Nothing has ever been truer. Between screwing over the Cavs, half-assing it through his monster contract, sitting out almost half this season, and slapping the backboard every time he dunks, Carlos Boozer is DEFNITELY a cunt.

O yeah, and yesterday Silas got fired.

FINAL FOUR

The Elite Eight was just crazy.

Mike Jordan of the mic recordin' somehow prevailed over Jay Peso.

In the athlete bracket, there was lots of intrique as to how Ricky D and Mike Tice would square off and if Ricky would have as much animosity over a coach he has never met as compared to his former mascot. Rick answered that question quickly, punching Mike Tice in the face as soon as he saw a headset on the fat slob. For good measure, he found Moondog anyway at a kid's birthday party - punched him in the face, said "Fuck this shit, bitch" and trashed the place.

The Heather/Clove battle was crazy. As usual, she stuck his phone down her pants. It didn't look like Charles was going to fall for it, but then he got wasted and hooked up with her. After he woke up, he quickly locked the door on his room and snuck out the back door, just like when Dan Dickau broke his spirit in NBA Live. Said Ken Wall afterward: "I like Heather. I think she's a nice girl."

In the final matchup, we watched every season of 24 and tallied 4,324 on the Jack Bauer merck patrol. 2Pac on the other hand has only killed a handful of dudes, and he has never killed anyone with his bare hands. Advantage: Bauer.

Without further ado, here is the Final Four:



(2) Mike Jordan of the mic recordin'

VS.


(1) Ricky







(1) Charles

VS.


(2) Bauer

56 Dickriders Down....

8 people remain. The first No. 1 seed - Young Hov - has been knocked off. The anticipated matchups in the athlete division never happened. It's still gonna be nuts when Mike Tice and Ricky Davis go head-to-head because let's not forget what's important: they are still both horrible people.


Region 1 - Jay-Z Nicknames

(5) Just the Facts
(2) Mike Jordan of the mic recordin'

Region 2 - Athletes

(1) Ricky Davis
(14) Mike Tice

Region 3 - Our Friends

(1) Clove
(15) Heather from the B-School that stuck Ken's phone down her pants

Region 4 - No Category

(1) 2Pac
(2) Jack Bauer

Totally Sweet 16

We keep marching on. The anticipation is just crazy for the next round of possible matchups, especially in the athlete division. Will Ricky Davis punch his former mascot in the face? Or will Randy Moss punch his former coach in the face? Jack Bauer and 2Pac as a possible Elite 8 matchup? Gonna have to go by merck count on that one. Jess Bornstein and Heather have made surprising runs to the Sweet 16, especially since they don't even know who we are. Please cast your votes for the next round:


Region 1 - Jay-Z Nicknames

(1) Young Hov
(5) Just the Facts

(11) Jay Peso
(2) Mike Jordan of the mic recordin'

Region 2 - Athletes

(1) Ricky Davis
(4) Randy Moss

(14) Mike Tice
(2) Moondog

Region 3 - Our Friends

(1) Clove
(13) Jess Bornstein

(3) J. Braids
(15) Heather from the B-School that stuck Ken's phone down her pants

Region 4 - No Category

(1) 2Pac
(12) Little Vicente from Little Vicente's Pizza

(6) Flip Saunders
(2) Jack Bauer

Down to 32...

Region 1 - Jay-Z Nicknames

(1) Young Hov
(8) Iceberg Slim


(5) Just the Facts
(4) Jigga


(11) Jay Peso
(3) S. Carter


(7) Hovito
(2) Mike Jordan of the mic recordin'

Region 2 - Athletes

(1) Ricky Davis
(8) Marko Jaric


(12) Todd Marinovich
(4) Randy Moss


(11) Clayton "Rocket" Richard
(14) Mike Tice

(7) Eric Barton
(2) Moondog


Region 3 - Our Friends

(1) Clove
(8) Andrew Lockton


(5) Snizzle
(13) Jess Bornstein


(6) Kirwin
(3) J. Braids


(7) Miguel Bermudez
(15) Heather from the B-School that stuck Ken's phone down her pants

Region 4 - No Category

(1) 2Pac
(9) The Blue Dog


(12) Little Vicente from Little Vicente's Pizza
(13) A midget on helium


(6) Flip Saunders
(3) Corner routes in Madden


(7) Lil' Flip
(2) Jack Bauer

First Round

Being able to watch every single tournament game has been completely mind-numbing and also led me to some observations:
* Dick Endberg is really, really old.
* Jay Bilas is a Bill Raftery dick rider, which is just as pathetic as ex-football players trying to imitate John Madden.
* Villanova needs to trade Allan Ray to Connecticut for Charlie Villenueva - no questions asked.
* Creighton has really hot babes - much hotter babes than Michigan.
* The Hanes commercial with Chandler playing Jordan in a game of pool is completely absurd. How about this for an ad: hot babes in guy's underwear? And they can be jumping on trampolines like the end of every Man Show. Now that's a good ad.
* I will never pick a Jim Boeheim team to advance far in the tournament. Syracuse looked generally uninterested in the game until overtime, when they still got twerked because they have absolutely no set offense. Boeheim should resign immediately from his post and be Carmello Anthony's identured servant for the next 20 years. Syracuse should then hire Jack Bauer. Just imagine him screaming at a ref: "Who are you working for?!" That's worth at least 10 calls a game.


Dick rider 

All Around the World

Bluedog 


Eiffel 


Roc-a-fella Center 


Outside Wine and Chinese 


Claymation Dude 


Babes 

Moondog

Wish me luck, I am trying to book Moondog for an event. All I had to do was fill out a form saying my name, location and event and they said they will get back to me. I'm really hoping I can get this set up for when Brady comes up two weeks from now. I think he would shit his pants if he came in this apartment and Moondog was waiting for him with ballons and a complete explanation of the connection between Moondogs and the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Realest of the Week

It's that time again.

The Realest of the Week is gonna have to go to MJ of the Real World. This was a long time coming after admitted to Landon that he only gave the Real World cast half of who he is. But MJ really stepped up this week on the Real World: Philadelphia reunion. As he did all season, he babbled about how other people's issues affected him personally, as if anyone cared.

MJ on being around Willie and Karamo: "Living in this house changed the way I stereotype gay people."

Congrats MJ: you win a leftover ham and a six pack of Natural Light Ice.



MJ and Willie 

Jacko

How has no one made this comment about Michael Jackson? Isn't it a clue that the guy is a petofile when his home is called Neverland Ranch - as in the place where little boys never grow up.

And the Winner is ....

HOV!!!!!!

It's official: "Greatest rapper alive" ... or dead.

We went by the numbers and William H. was leading the league in six stastical categories:

1. Best Flow
2. Most Consistent
3. Realest stories
4. Most charisma
5. Sets the most trends
6. And his interviews are hotter



Jay-Z 

Holla ....

Realety Coming to a Head...

Here it is y'all, the Final Battle:

(2) Eminem
(1) Jay-Z

There's gonna be a lot of controversy about Jay knocking out 2Pac. We understand that.

This thing could go either way ...

Real 4

Here they are folks:

(2) Mos Def
(2) Eminem

(1) Jay-Z
(1) 2Pac

Some people are calling for a reseeding, but that's the way the Tournament goes. It's gonna be close, folks.

Realest of the Week

It's time for Real to recognize Real.

So we are awarding Edgerrin James with this week's "Realest of the Week" Award.

James on the Colts: "Man, we're like The Jackson 5," James said. "To everyone on the outside, it looks like we're tight as hell. We're out there, on the playing field, making it all look so effortless, and all the [expletive] running perfectly. Then we go home and it's Jermaine's in this room, Tito's in another and Randy ain't talking to no one."

Hey Edgerrin - haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days? And... couldn't some of this be in your mind?



Edgerrin James 

You're Only as Good as Your Best Line

Elite Eight, boys and girls...The rapper's winning quote from the last round is next to their name...It was a tough fight to the top, but these rappers spit fire with their best lines...Everyone's one hot line away...even Memph Bleek


EAST
(1)Biggie ("Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis, When I was dead broke, man I couldn't picture this" -- Juicy)
(2)Mos Def ("Yo, I am the world renowned, verb adjective adverb pronoun preposition suffix prefix original or remix, sunburst and eclipse, Me and Kwe' combine like strands on a double-helix" -- This Means You)


MIDWEST
(1)Nas ("Nas is like the Afrocentric Asian, half-man, half-amazin'" -- It ain't hard to tell)
(2)Eminem ("In 3rd grade all I used to do is sniff glue through a tube and play Rubix cube" -- Drug Ballad)

SOUTH
(1)Jay-Z ("Return of the Jedi, from Rio de Janeiro on the red-eye, yet I still feel the need to be fly" -- Cashmere Thoughts)
(6)Andre 3000 ("Foreva? Foreva eva? Foreva eva?" -- Ms. Jackson)

WEST
(1)2Pac ("First off, fuck your bitch and the click you claim
Westside when we ride come equipped with game" -- Hit 'em up)
(7)Ice Cube ("Drunk as hell but no throwin up,Half way home and my pager still blowin up, Today I didn't even have to use my A.K., I got to say it was a good day" -- It Was a Good Day)

Photo of Derelicte

The Realests just got realer - now we have pictures to chronicle our daily activities - and Derelicte's:



Derelicte - tired after a long day of being real 

The Real 16

Alright...here's where the real get separated from the fake...DMX, GZA, and Ice Cube pulled off some upsets...for the next round, we're picking the winners by deciding who has the best lyric...we'll see who's the best by going line-for-line

EAST
(1)Biggie
(5)Eric B

(6)DMX
(2)Mos Def

MIDWEST
(1)Nas
(5)Black Thought

(3)Chuck D
(2)Eminem

SOUTH
(1)Jay-Z
(5)Big Boi

(6)Andre Benjamin
(2)Rakim

WEST
(1)2Pac
(13)Snoop

(11)GZA
(7)Ice Cube

Second Round

We are onto the second round to find out rap's elite. Some shockers in the first round. Keep the voting coming.

EAST
(1) Biggie
(8) Redman

(5) Eric B
(4) Erick Sermon

(6) DMX
(3) Big Daddy Kane

(7) Jadakiss
(2) Mos Def

MIDWEST
(1) Nas
(9) RZA

(5) Black Thought
(4) Talib Kweli

(6) XZibit
(3) Chuck D

(7) Q-Tip
(2) Eminem

SOUTH
(1) Jay-Z
(8) TI

(5) Big Boi
(4) Scarface

(6) Andre 3000
(3) Kool G-Rap

(10) Ludacris
(2) Rakim

WEST
(1) 2Pac
(9) Slick Rick

(12) Keith Murray
(13) Snoop

(11) GZA
(3) Common

(7) Ice Cube
(2) KRS-One

More Madness

Since everything is fun if it's done in bracket form, we are doing it to decide the Greatest MC of All-Time. Like the NCAA, we tried to keep people close to home but there was only so much we could do. Things to take note of:

- On an individual basis - NO GROUPS (Ex: Public Enemy, Outkast, etc.)
- Eminem gets the shaft out of the No. 1 seed. But he was placed in the same bracket as the last No. 1 seed (Nas).
- Biggie gets the top seed in the East, sending Jay-Z and Nas on the road.
- Most intriguing first round matchups: Redman/Method Man, 50 Cent/Ludacris, or Ice Cube/Ice T

EAST
(1) Biggie
(16) B Legit

(8) Redman
(9) Method Man

(5) Eric B
(12) Beanie Sigel

(4) Erick Sermon
(13) Styles P

(6) DMX
(11) Big L

(3) Big Daddy Kane
(14) Nelly

(7) Jadakiss
(10) Mike D

(2) Mos Def
(15) Doug E. Fresh

MIDWEST
(1) Nas
(16) Billy Danze

(8) Run
(9) RZA

(5) Black Thought
(12) Dr. Dre

(4) Talib Kweli
(13) Treach

(6) XZibit
(11) Posdnous

(3) Chuck D
(14) OC

(7) Q-Tip
(10) Pharoahe Monch

(2) Eminem
(15) Rah Digga

SOUTH
(1) Jay-Z
(16) Raekwon

(8) TI
(9) Canibus

(5) Big Boi
(12) B Real

(4) Scarface
(13) Busta Rhymes

(6) Andre 3000
(11) Foxy Brown

(3) Kool G-Rap
(14) Guru

(7) 50 Cent
(10) Ludacris

(2) Rakim
(15) Cassidy

WEST
(1) 2Pac
(16) Too Short

(8) Lauryn Hill
(9) Slick Rick

(5) Big Pun
(12) Keith Murray

(4) LL Cool J
(13) Snoop Doggy Dogg

(6) Missy Elliot
(11) GZA

(3) Common
(14) Freeway

(7) Ice Cube
(10) Ice T

(2) KRS-One
(15) Ghostface

You Got Served

This is a great movie. For those of you who haven't seen it, it's basically "Bring It On" with serving instead of cheerleading. Omarion is a young Denzel Washington. This movie just set black people forward 20 years. I imagine we felt like Tom Cruise did after he saw "Abre sus ojos." But instead of doing a remake, we have decided to work on the screenplays for a trilogy:

"You Got Served 2: Service with a Smile" -- scheduled for a 2012 release.

"You Got Served 3: Room Service" -- scheduled for a 2035 release.

Real March Madness

With the NCAA Tournament approaching, we have decided to settle the battle of Realest in bracket-style. We will accumulate your votes and announce the winners of the First Round whenever we feel like it.

Region 1 - Jay-Z Nicknames
(1) Young Hov
(16) Old Hov

(8) Iceberg Slim
(9) Jay Guevara

(5) Just the Facts
(12) Black Warren Buffet

(4) Jigga
(13) The male Madonna

(6) William Holla
(11) Jay Peso

(3) S. Carter
(14) Shawn Carter

(7) Hovito
(10) Black Martha Stewart

(2) Mike Jordan of the mic recordin'
(15) Michael Schumacher of the ROC Roster

Region 2 - Athletes
(1) Ricky Davis
(16) Zarko Cabarkapa

(8) Marko Jaric
(9) Darko

(5) Antoine Walker
(12) Todd Marinovich

(4) Randy Moss
(13) Nikoloz "his friends call him Tish" Tskitishvili

(6) Ron Artest
(11) Clayton "Rocket" Richard

(3) Mike Tyson
(14) Mike Tice

(7) Eric Barton
(10) Jim Boccher

(2) Moondog
(15) Pedro Martinez's midget friend

Region 3 - Our Friends
(1) Clove
(16) The Dude

(8) Andrew Lockton
(9) Nate Furman

(5) Snizzle
(12) Molly

(4) Deberk
(13) Jess Bornstein

(6) Kirwin
(11) Louisa

(3) J. Braids
(14) Rachel

(7) Miguel Bermudez
(10) Kelly

(2) Ken
(15) Heather from the B-School that stuck Ken's phone down her pants

Region 4 - No Category
(1) 2Pac
(16) Juelz Santana

(8) Derelicte
(9) The Blue Dog

(5) Joe from Joe's Pizza
(12) Little Vicente from Little Vicente's Pizza

(4) Amilion
(13) A midget on helium

(6) Flip Saunders
(11) Flipmode Squad

(3) Corner routes in Madden
(14) Out routes in NCAA

(7) Lil' Flip
(10) Flip Murray

(2) Jack Bauer
(15) Anders Bard

Friend or foe?

50's beef with Game has put me up on things...

I'm dropping Jim from the screenwriting team because I think he's disloyal. I heard he's working on a script called "BlueDog Missionaries" with Hamburg. Also, he's been suspiciously hesitant to make fun of Anders Bard recently. I won't allow that sort of disrespect to go down at 143 Waverly.

- Real

Has 50 Cent Gone Soft?

Yeah, I said it.

The streets is talking about how someone in 50's entourage got shot in the leg outside the Hot 97 studio tonight, obviously a pathetic publicity stunt to promote 50's sales. Also, 50 Cent further sounded like a bitch by saying The Game got the boot from G-Unit for being "disloyal" - The Game won't get 50's back in beef. And has anyone seen a picture of 50 Cent lately? He and Mike Vrabel are definitely injecting steroids into each other's asses.