NO WONDER BRITNEY WENT CRAZY...

I think people are going to look back on American history and label this the point we officially lost our damn minds.

We haven't seen midget exploitation like this since Man vs. Beast (and no, it doesn't make it better the host refers to them as little people...)

What's next: midgets as pets?

CAPTAIN COMEBACK STABS 'M' IN BACK

JBM and I have been dreaming about Jim Harbaugh taking over the Michigan program after Lloyd retires for years. Granted, his last job was at 1-AA school San Diego, but he's Captain Comeback!

Well, the first red flag for Jim's candidacy was getting a DUI in 2005.

But now apparently thinking he is a big shot as Stanford's head man, Harbaugh had the audacity to clap at the Michigan athletic department in the San Francisco Examiner. Said Harbaugh:

“Michigan is a good school and I got a good education there,” he said, “but the athletic department has ways to get borderline guys in and, when they’re in, they steer them to courses in sports communications. They’re adulated when they’re playing, but when they get out, the people who adulated them won’t hire them.”

#1) Screw you and your little Director's Cup too!

#2) Ten bucks says Harbaugh looked up the word "adulate" right before this interview.

#3) Welcome to Division 1-A football! Stop crying because you haven't recruited shit yet. Go back to San Diego if you don't like the way the system works.

#4) Don't get all high and mighty now that you are the football coach at Stanford. That doesn't make you smart, Jim.

Other than that, I'm pretty speechless at this point. If there's one thing that will piss Bill Martin off, it's having his ethics questioned. Harbaugh better hope someone else is running the show by the time Lloyd retires...

A GLOBAL WANG-MEASURING CONTEST

If prostitution is the world's oldest profession, then wang measuring is its oldest sport.

And while this has gone widely unnoticed, there is an arms race going on between the phallic symbols known as skyscrapers that could one day result in World War III.

We were quite disturbed to learn that the Freedom Tower, originally planned to be the tallest building in the world, has already been surpassed by buildings in South Korea and Dubai, which are both in progress.

The Burj Dubai (pictured... by the way, doesn't this look like Oz?) is currently the tallest building in the world under construction, and will reportedly be a staggering 2,650 feet, compared to the 1,776 feet for the Freedom Tower.

Under no circumstance can we allow a city-state to say their dong is 1,000 feet bigger than ours!

President Bush needs to respond with a building at least... 3 times as big... if we are going to still be considered a world power.

Secondly, where is Africa in all of this? Granted, it's going to be tough for them to come up with $1 billion and the engineering there isn't nearly as top-notch, but I say they just start with a quarter-mile base and build until the thing starts falling apart.

They could just call it Whosgotthebigdicknowbitch Tower - former Michigan WR David Terrell would be proud.

WILLIAM C. RHODEN IS TAKING CRAZY PILLS

Although we missed this column on its first go-round a couple days ago, we didn't miss the backlash in today's New York Times over William C. Rhoden's column about the Knicks entitled "Poor Decisions, Knicks Deserve a Mulligan."

If you recall, Rhoden made bank with the book 40 Million Dollar Slaves, comparing black athletes to slaves. Let's just say Rhoden got a little carried away with the analogies of sports and the greatest social injustices of all time.

Readers lambasted Rhoden for saying that David Stern should allow the Knicks to drop up to four contracts from its $120 million payroll and had the balls to use this analogy:

"The N.B.A. should act like the World Bank and treat the Knicks like a developing nation. The league needs success in New York and there is only one way to achieve that: The N.B.A. has to forgive the Knicks' debt."

We are definitely all now dumber from reading that statement. Though it could be argued that James Dolan is a dictator, we won't even begin to breakdown the lack of common sense in that argument.

What's next Bill? How about comparing NFL training camp to the Holocaust? That should be a good read.

REALEST OF THE WEEK (BELATED)

Congratulations, Gary Sheffield!

Sheff has been pretty great batting DH in Detroit so far, so we thought that we'd give him a little extra love (or dap - big up to Wilbon). Detroit seems to have a soft spot for taking in athletes that everyone believes are cancers to their teams (see: Rasheed Wallace, circa 2004) and turning them into the consummate team players that just needed the right environment to thrive in. Well Sheffield, like Rasheed, has always had unbelievable talent - and he's definitely made the most of it - AND he's also been incredibly real over the years.

Steroids, fights with opponents, teammates, even managers...the guy is unbelievable.

Now, from GQ, we find this new gem.

Sheffield, on guns:

In eighth and ninth grades, he brought a gun to school, and he carries one still. "It ain't changed me because I got in the league. It just made me get more of them."

Now, while we don't necessarily agree with Sheffield's view on the Second Amendment, we definitely agree with his right to be real. Holla.

NBA'S FIRST TEAM ALL-FLOP

I'm with Chris Sheridan; the fact Rip Hamilton wasn't called for a foul is flat-out atrocious. But I will man up and say part of the blame goes on Anderson "Sideshow Bob" Varejao for flopping like a fish out of water the play before and desensitizing the refs.

I hate to admit it, but Varejao is on pace to become one of the biggest floppers in NBA history. Pretty ironic considering he was also labeled dirty in the last FIBA World Championships for rearranging a Greek player's face.

In honor of Anderson, we have decided to compile the first annual NBA All-Flop team.

PG: Devin Harris

A very under-the-radar flopper because we don't like to think one of our own could perfect this art form. I think you can actually see Harris crying on the floor is this clip. Pathetic.

SG: Manu Ginobili

Have we mentioned that we hate the Spurs? Granted, Ginobili hasn't been as bad in this year's playoffs. But it's only a matter of time. Sadly there is no video of him flopping because of an NBA conspiracy to wipe YouTube clean of such evidence.

SG: Raja Bell

Just to make sure we get the calls, we are going with the smaller lineup and playing two shooting guards. Raja's bark is definitely bigger than his bite. Although we have to admit flopping on Ginobili is nothing to be ashamed of.

PF: Anderson Varejao

Varejeo has spent half of the Eastern Conference Finals on the floor and is even getting called out by Steve Kerr. As the Pistons have already mailed in the next two games, we wouldn't be surprised if Rasheed punches him in the face in Game 3.

C: Andrew Bogut

They don't call him "Ball Don't Lie Bogut" for nothing, folks. Unfortunately, no amount of flopping will fool fans into thinking he isn't one himself.

Hall of Fame: Vlade Divac, Reggie Miller and his leg kick, Dennis Rodman

CARSON: DUDE, FIX YOUR FACE

You know what really chaps my ass? The fact that I got fired from NBC and Carson Daly still has a job, much less a show on the network.

Has anyone seen Last Call? I mean, this is supposed to be one of the show's highlights for crying out loud!

Shit's atrocious. And so is his face.

Obviously I don't want to make fun of him if he has a serious eating disorder, but it's never good when people are calling you "manorexic."

NEW HOTNESS: "A SHOT IN THE DARK"

*** Warning: Spoiler alert ***

We'll say it: Entourage has turned into a disaster. As Varun pointed out, who was the guy at the writer's meeting that said, "Instead of having Vince hook up with hots chicks, let's now find ugly chicks for Turtle to bone"???

Good thinking, guys.

Fortunately, HBO has a chance to redeem itself with Adrian Grenier's true-life search for his father in A Shot in the Dark, with the preview including a shot of Grenier pulling up to the house his father is currently living in.

If Shawn Kemp opens the door, we've got a new smash hit on our hands.

Does anyone else see the similarity?

CURIOUS FACEBOOK DISCOVERY

As an unemployed slacker going on three months, I will never hate on how people make ends meet. But even I was a little shocked when I came across this picture by former Daily photog and loyal Realest reader Forrest Casey on Facebook today.

We are 65% sure there is a perfectly good explanation for this picture.

WHY WE HATE THE SPURS

(Update: Still fuming over last night's Hornets-Spurs game? You've come to the right place. Click here for 10 more reasons to hate the Spurs).

You know what is getting really annoying during these NBA Playoffs? Listening to announcers talk about how the Spurs are underappreciated.

In yesterday's game vs. the Jazz, the following excruciating exchange took place between Mike Breen and Jeff Van Gundy.

Breen: Some people call their style vanilla...
Van Gundy: Well then I just changed my favorite ice cream!

Fine, you wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts. Here are 10 things we hate about the Spurs:

10. Manu Ginobili's flopping
9. Shots of the Riverwalk
8. Tim Duncan's look of shock every time he gets called for a foul
7. Greg Popovich's face
6. Bruce Bowen's cheap shots
5. Brent Barry
4. Fabricio Oberto's hair
3. The fact Robert Horry has 6 rings
2. Manu Ginobili's flopping
1. Tony Parker's rap video

Somehow, France just got gayer:

2OOLANDER: FRIEND OR FOE?

If you haven't noticed from our constant one-liners (i.e. Where can I find someone so BEEF-HEADED?!?!), Zoolander is The Realests' favorite movie of all time. Now comes news that Zoolander is on the verge of a sequel, according to a December article in USA Today.

Selfishly, we want the sequel to be done. The excitement surrounding the release of the sequel would be one of the highlights of our lives, and we would definitely both get Zoolander haircuts for the premiere.

But truth be told, 2oolander has a better chance of ruining its legacy, like Tecmo Bowl 2008.

First, can Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson care enough to make a good film anymore?

Stiller is known as the bigger sellout, most recently appearing in the crapfest, Night At the Museum, but it's Wilson we're more disappointed in. This guy went from writing classics like Bottle Rocket and The Royal Tennenbaums, to pumping out crap like You, Me and Dupree.

Second, one of the Zoolander's original writers - Drake Sather - committed suicide in 2004.

That leaves our former idol John Hamburg, who we lost all confidence in after he wrote Meet the Fockers and his evil cronie Anders Bard, the man responsible from keeping Fratboy Missionaries from becoming the next big hit.

Needless to say, we are a little torn.

What say we settle this on the runway????

GUTIERREZ THE NEXT GOLDEN BOY????

We thought journalism had hit rock bottom after last year's NFL Draft when the Arizona Republic ran a story about how John Navarre was "unfazed" by the drafting of Matt Leinart.

How could anyone be so BEEF-HEADED?!

But this article from the Boston Globe takes the cake, comparing Matt Gutierrez to... gulp... Tom Brady. The similarities are spooky!

FOXBOROUGH - A few weeks before the draft, Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels ventured to De La Salle High School in Concord, Calif., to work out quarterback Matt Gutierrez, an alumnus of the Northern California Catholic school. De La Salle coach Bob Ladouceur was eager to put in a good word about Gutierrez, who helped De La Salle set the national record for consecutive victories (151).

"I said, `I can't tell you anything about his mechanics. You know that stuff better than me, but I can tell you about his character,"' said Ladouceur. According to the legendary coach, McDaniels replied, "We know about his character. We think he's a lot like the guy we have now."

That guy is Tom Brady.

It's easy to scoff at the notion that a 22-year-old undrafted quarterback from Idaho State is worthy of being compared to Tom Terrific, but the two have a lot in common. Both are from Northern California. Both attended the University of Michigan - Gutierrez was a much-ballyhooed recruit of the Maize and Blue and spent four years in Ann Arbor before transferring to Division 1-AA Idaho State to finish his college career. At Michigan, both battled freshman phenoms who wore No. 7 (Drew Henson for Brady, Chad Henne for Gutierrez).

Gee wiz, where do the comparisons end?!

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK

Varun's been talking about this guy for a month. Ugh, we can't stand this kid! But make sure to tune into Jeopardy tomorrow as Andrew's magical run is still going. Thumbs up dude!

SITCOMS: SO EASY A CAVEMAN CAN DO IT

Note: I jacked the title from Bodog Beat, but it's just too priceless not to use.

Vaulting them into serious contention for Realests of the Year, the Geico Cavemen have been given there own sitcom by ABC.

This is a watershed moment for sitcom programming and cavemen alike.

As should be expected, George Lopez is pretty pissed since his show is getting replaced by Neanderthals. Said Lopez on the web site defamer.com:

"I get kicked out for a...caveman and shows that I out-performed because I'm not owned by [ABC Television Studios]...So a...Chicano can't be on TV but a...caveman can?" Lopez said.

Ouch.

Of course, the series is not without haters. Aint It Cool News' Derek Flint has already seen the pilot and called it "astoundingly awful" and points out that the actors from the original Geico commercials have been replaced.

When reached for comment about this news, the original Geico caveman replied: "Yeah, I have a response.... Ugh, WHAT?!"

DUKE TAKIN' IT IN THE POOP SHOOT

Now that we've shown you all that is wrong with hip-hop, it's time we reveal a beacon of hope. Hats off to these guys below. They might have gone a little too far with the "you even suck at rape" part, but the rest is utterly fantastic. Man I'm glad Amaker is gone:

WORST RAP LYRICS IN THE HISTORY OF RAP

We know, we know. We've been slackin' on our mackin' a little bit with the blog. So we figured to make a splash with a compilation of the worst rap lyrics ever or, as we like to call it, "When being real goes horribly, horribly wrong." As you can see, no one is safe from criticism - not even Hov and Biggie.

By no means is this a definitive list - it is rather a tipping point. Please feel free to submit your own lyrics, especially anything by Young Buck and Lil' Wayne.

Puff Daddy
Can't Nobody Hold Me Down
"Young, black and famous - got money comin' out the anus."

Ma$e
Into What You Say
"I da Coast Guard for the most part, paint my picture as clear as Mozart."

Notorious B.I.G.
Me & My Bitch
"When I met you I admit my first thoughts was to trick. You look so good huh, I suck on your daddy's dick."

Juelz Santana
S.A.N.T.A.N.A.
"So now I'm rapping bad, I'm back I'm badder - Shit, ya'll probably think I'm taking rap viagra."

Crunk Muzik
"You give a chick hard dick and bubblegum (Ay!). I give a chick a hard brick and bubble-yum."

Cam'ron
Crunk Muzik
"And I keep heat, cause in these streets (what you hear?). Just hear woop, woop, whant, whant, beep, beep (that's the cops)."

Get 'Em Girls
"I'm in a lokey lokey; got a pokey pokey; leave you holey holey; you'll say holey moley."

(Note: does anyone see a trend developing with Cam?)

Jay-Z
Blueprint 2
"H...O-V-A, I got my mojo back baby, oh behave."

Master P
Do You Know
"If you don't bring back my mothafuckin' money or my muthafuckin' dope, you can forget about Christmas n***a, cause you ain't gon even see New Years."

Make 'Em Say Ugh
"Make 'em say Ughhhhh! (Ugh!) Na-na-na-na! (Na-na-na-na!)"

Nas
Halftime
"Versatile, my style switches like a fagot. But not a bisexual, I'm an intellectual."

Kanye West
Jesus Walks
"The way Kathie Lee needed Regis, that's the way y’all need Jesus."

DMX
We Go Hard
"And I would tell you to suck my dick but you might suck it."

Note to X: you have smoked yourself retarded.

Mystikal
Move Bitch
"Young and successful.. sex symbol... now bitches want me to fuck 'em - true, true."

A SAD DAY FOR REALETY

I haven't posted this for a couple days because I didn't want to believe it was true but it now appears official - Cam'ron has been booted from The Diplomats.

I feel like my parents are getting a divorce.

Apparently, the remaining members of Dipset - Juelz Santana, Freaky Zeeky and a bunch of other random douches - will now be known as Dipset 300.

Hip-hop is officially dead...


Get off your ass Jones and find a replacement!

INFERNO 3 FOREVER TAINTED

As recently noted by the Sports Guy, what the hell has gotten into Danny from Real World: Austin? The guy can't go one episode without completely 'roid raging - most recently going off on a diatribe about how the Good Guys didn't respect him and how he was going to destroy Davis in The Inferno.

Just look at this comparison:

Old School Bonds














Nu Skool Bonds (notice the Steven A. Smith reference)














Old School Danny











Nu Skool Danny












To quote Bob Costas, "Is nothing sacred anymore?" We were fine when Jose Canseco blew the whistle on baseball, but this is just too much.

And where is the public outcry? We demand Senate hearings and immediate random drug testing by the show's producers...