BLOGGING POETIC ON THE 2007 DRAFT

(Editor's note: For all the people typing in "Marco Belinelli girlfriend pictures" into Google to get some images for the spank bank, we don't have any you perverts! And by that we mean we've looked everywhere too...)

It's time for the 2007 NBA Draft y'all! Stephen A. and Dickie V. are already screaming at us. It should be a great night.:

Pregame Show:

Normal pregame fare to start out. Very disappointing that the ESPN experts are telling us that there won't be a KG trade tonight because Hawks management is a bunch of cooters. Otherwise, nothing major to report from the pregame show. There were a few shots of Al Horford talking to Joakim Noah, Greg Oden hugging his grandkids, and Kevin Durant's mom wiping some crumbs from his face.

Dickie V just stopped by to tell us that Oden was equal parts Olajuwon-Robinson-Ewing-Duncan-Parks. That's right, Cherokee Parks. Anyway, we've decided to pitch a daily talk show on ESPN hosted by Dickie V and Steven A. The gimmick? They have to use their normal voices but can't talk about sports. Hey, it may not be the best idea in the world, but its better than Cold Pizza/First Take.

We are calling out the biggest busts in the draft before this thing gets started: Brandan Wright (UNC), Spencer Hawes (Washington) and Sean Williams (BC). And you can quote us on that.

Holy shit, Joakim Noah! I haven't seen that ridiculous a bow tie since the Mad Hatter. Man this guy is annoying us already.

Great reaction from Yi Jianlian right now: "Hey, they just said my name!" This guy is going to be a fun interview.

Nothing says the NBA like the All-American Rejects (and we said that first Sports Guy!)

Late rumor from the Bay Area along with the KG talk: Chris Mullin is selling off everything for an All-Chinese lineup of Yao, Yi, Wang Zhi Zhi, Sun Ming Ming...and David Lee.We'll keep you posted.

Actual Draft:

7:34 - ESPN cuts to a shot of the Blazers war room. You'd think that the room would be full of excitement. But it looks like Kevin Pritchard is asleep and everyone else is playing Snood on their computers. Looks like they've made up their mind already.

7:36 - The Blazers pick...Greg Oden. We hope he stays healthy because if he's not and he has to retire soon, the Blazers are going to have to pay him a pension. Because he's old. Get it?

7:39 - Steven A. says that you can't teach "7 feet tall." That's true.

7:41 - Our first trade! The Sports Guy's head is going to explode over this one. Seattle gets the#5 (plus West and someone worthless) and Boston gets Ray Allen. Yikes. The Celtics are idiots.

7:42 - Sonics select Durant. Stern should have just announced the Sonics pick at the same time as the Blazers pick. Would have saved us all a few minutes. Actually, this is a great idea. Maybe the commissioner should just jack the Hawks and the Celtics picks and make them instead of allowing Billy Knight and Danny Ainge to screw it up.

7:44 - With the two top picks ending up in the Pacific Northwest, NBA League pass is looking like a great investment this year.

7:46 - Stuart Scott just announces that Durant has a crush on Beyonce. Is this going to bring Hov out of retirement? Will he clap at Durant? Would Hov put the brakes on a Durant to the Nets move sometime down the line because he's afraid of losing Beyonce? Intrigue all around.

7:48 - The Atlanta Haws select Brent Petway! They loved the fact that he was the hometown kid.

7:49 - Actually, the Hawks select Al Horford. The logo on the Hawks hats looks idiotic.

7:50 - Wave that flag, Tito!!! Wonder if Al Horford knows how to say "60-loss season" in Portuguese.

7:53 - Mike Conley goes to the Grizz. Ohio State 2, Michigan 0. But we have more players overseas.

7:54 - Stu Scott's interview questions have been entirely too serious so far. Ask the questions that we want to know the answers to Stu! Ask them what they say to a player when they see him on the street! Ask them how fresh the funk is!

7:56 - Mike Conley, Sr. just said that he "officially" became Mike Conley, Jr.'s two years ago. So, was the paternity in question? Or did Conley, Sr. jump in the picture because he started to smell that NBA money???? Conspiracy!

7:58 - Jeff Green goes... somewhere. Yi Jianlian looks furious and is using this as fuel next season. Hopefully the interpreter has already taught him how to say, "China has a VEWY long memowy!"

8:01 - Mikki Moore sighting! We are sending our YouTube video to the NBDL immediately.

8:03 - Yi Jianlian to the Bucks. Breaking news: George W. Bush just announced we launched a pre-emptive strike on Beijing. Has anyone looked more depressed for being drafted 6th overall? We need Jack Bauer on this NOW. The Bucks are putting together a decent squad - Redd, Villanueva, Bogut, and Yi. We hope it was worth it Milwaukee. You started a war just to get a good power forward.

8:07 - Apparently, Yi has been on the red carpet at several Hollywood movie premieres. This means that he'll be perfectly ready for the NBA. Maybe not...

8:09 - Does it make sense to "call the bluff" of the guy you are drafting? Doesn't anyone remember Steve Francis forcing the trade from the Grizzlies?! Also, Larry Harris never saw Yi play in person! The Sports Guy is going to have a field day with this.

8:11 - It's official: Corey Brewer is in, Ricky Davis is out. This is a sad day for The Realests. Dickie V. is talking about Eva Longoria - what the hell is going on?

8:17 - What will the Bobcats do as an encore to Adam Morrison last year? Brandan Wright! We are DEFINITELY breaking out the bust card right now. I thought the Charlotte Tar Heels wanted someone NBA-ready...

8:21 - Here's a friendly tip. Don't draft a kid still wearing braces. What's with that hideous hat?

8:25 - And Joakim finally gets drafted. Imagine if the Bulls land Anderson Varejao - would there be a better lineup of hair in the history of the league? We just heard "high motor" for the 24th time tonight. What is with that mug shot???

8:28 - "What does wow mean?" Great question, Stu. Stu makes fun of Tirico for not being able to use shampoo. We decide Tirico needs to come back with a quip about contact lenses.

8:32 - The Sacramento Kings pick...the girl from Halftime. We're ashamed at ourselves for making the easy joke. Actually, they take Spencer Hawes. Uninspired pick, but maybe he'll turn into the next Brad Miller. Imagine Brad Miller and the next Brad Miller playing on the same team. Either way, Ron Artest is going to punch him in the face by the second day of training camp.

8:35 - Stu claps at NBA players for not caring about politics.

8:37 - Steven A. claps at the Bulls for taking Joakim Noah. He thinks the Bulls will have too much energy. Then he lists every player on the Bulls roster. Unsurprisingly, Steven A. fails to make a coherent point.

8:37 - It's clear that Bilas is afraid to openly disagree with Steven A. because he's afraid that it might come to blows. He doesn't realize that Steven A. is so tired from yelling that he wouldn't even be able to throw a good punch.

8:38 - Hawks take Acie Law IV. Damn it! Really wanted him to be available for the Pistons. Acie gives a very uncomfortable thumbs up when he's shaking Stern's hand.

8:40 - So wait, Acie Law can't defend and he can't shoot - but he's smart? Gee, sounds like a future Hall of Famer, Jay Bilas.

8:41 - Mark Jackson claps at midgets. Totally uncalled for.

8:42 - We can't stand seeing the new Hawks logo anymore. Where is the Pacman jersey?!

8:43 - And Stephen A. Smith just called Acie Law "Acie Earl." Time to re-up on the speed Stephen A.!

8:44 - Once again, we find Sal Paolantonio in Philadelphia. What's the deal with that? Speaking of disgusting new uniforms, what's up with the "Phila" jerseys. Why don't they just dub themselves, "The Thrilla in Phila"?

8:46 - Stephen A. calls the Thaddeus Young pick. God help us all. Here comes 5 minutes of screaming.

8:50 - Is the world ready to handle "Rome is Burning" and "The Bronx is Burning' at the same time? Doubtful.

8:51 - This Billy Knight interview explains a lot about the Hawks.

8:56 - Stu Scott claps at Mehmet Okur. The Turkish Army might be paying the Scott residence a visit tonight. Julian Wright, while he seems like a really nice guy, says that Stephen A. is one of his favorite analysts.

8:59 - The Clippers take Al Thornton with their pick. This means that Nick Young/Rodney Stuckey are available for the Pistons to take. Good news.

9:04 - THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!! RODNEY STUCKEY!!! This is exactly what we needed. Bilas says he's a poor man's Dwyane Wade. We'll take that.

9:10 - The Wiz take Nick Young. He tries to hug his mom and his mom waves him off. Yikes. There's a mysterious guy that everyone is high fiving on their way to the stage. He always has his back to the camera. We think it's William Wesley.

9:12 - The Nets are on the clock. In a surprise move they've decided to give up the pick because they believe that Mikki Moore needs more room to grow.

9:13 - ESPN has a grudge against Nick Young and is purposely making his mic drop out. Stu leans in so that Young can speak into his mic. Nice effort but it looks like Stu is hitting on him. Also, Stu ruins the ending of the Nick Young documentary. I'll ruin the end of the Stu Scott documentary: He's an idiot. Surprised?

9:15 - Knicks trade for Randolph! Great move. Beastly front line. Let's just hope that Steve Francis doesn't corrupt Greg Oden. Stephen A. is losing his mind! This is the most exciting moment in NBA history! Do you believe in miracles?!?!?! This just in from MSG - we hear that the Knicks are going to draft Glen "Big Baby" Davis. This means that they will have two forwards that look like gigantic 7 feet tall babies.

9:16 - The Nets pick Sean Williams. They clearly lost their composure after Isaiah Thomas' excellent gamesmanship move in announcing the Randolph trade when the Nets were on the clock.

9:18 - Is anyone going to mention the fact that everyone in the NBA takes bong rips before games? Our problem is that Sean Williams has ZERO offensive game.

9:20 - Warriors, come out and play! The draft is a huge crap shoot right now. Dickie V. is just waiting for McRoberts to go off the board so he can talk about the Dukies...

9:23 - Marco Belinelli with a babefest for a girlfriend! A combination of Vinny Del Negro and Brent Barry? Is that a compliment?

9:25 - Jim Gray is all over the Lakers' jock. We just discovered Dr. Jerry Buss got his Ph. D in physical chemistry. Does that mean he is a doctor of doing it?

9:27 - Stephen A.'s eyes just popped out of his head talking about Phil Jackson. There is chaos on the ESPN set.

9:30 - Javaris Crittenton? I'm sure that will make Kobe happy. Steven A. and Dickie V. are talking to each other. No, wait: they are yelling at each other. And the universe couldn't handle it. The combination of the two of them talking at the same time caused a stitch in time and we were transported backward not once, but twice!!! What is going on?!?! Maybe our talk show is a bad idea.

9:36 - Miami takes Jason Smith. This guy sucks. Little Bird is predicting a Dwyane Wade trade demand in 3 years.

9:38 - The Randolph trade is finalized. On paper this team is great. In real life....

9:39 - Jim Gray is out for blood. After Mitch Kupchak dances around the Kobe trade rumors, Gray looks Mitch straight in the eye and asks, "Did Kobe do it?"

9:41 - This is officially the longest post in our blog's history. It's also pretty funny. If you don't feel that way after reading it, just imagine sitting in our living room with us when we were writing it. Then you'll realize how funny it is.

9:41 - Ohio State 3, Michigan 0. Turns out Cook is going to end up with the Heat instead of the Sixers. Whatever. Dwyane Wade's demanding out in 2 years.

9:43 - Rod Thorn got worked in this draft. He looks like a shell of a man. ESPN is running Smoke Weed highlights - he looks like a slimmer David Banner. You heard it here first. Jim also thinks that the Nets should have drafted Marcus Williams so that they could play two Marcus Williamses. You can't buy that kind of draft analysis folks.

9:47 - How many power forwards to the Bobcats need? Sean May, Brandan Wright & Jared Dudley?! Of course Dickie V. comes flying in to defend the senior. The Knicks are on the clock, folks!

9:50 - Spike Lee just complimented Shannon Frye. What's up with this black-on-black crime? Spike says they're taking "the brotha from DePaul." Priceless.

9:52 - The Knicks take Wilson Chandler. Very uneventful. David Lee is blowing bubbles in the corner.

9:54 - Wilson Chandler busts out "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." I comment on how genius it is to be quoting Puff Daddy. Varun says Frank Sinatra introduced the line. Yeah right.

9:58 - The Blazers bought the 24th pick from the Suns. You can do that?! How much could the Blazers have sold the #1 pick for? Why didn't Mark Cuban offer $200 million for it? Cheapskate.

10:00 - At this point, we're predicting a Blazers-Knicks finals. ABC is already getting read the "Revenge of Randolph" promos.

10:02 - This just in: China has mobilized its troops and is planning an invasion of Milwaukee to extract Yi. This could get ugly. George W. Bush just put in the call to Kiefer Sutherland. The Beijing Summer Olympics just got a whole lot more competitive.

10:04 - Little Bird mocks Jim for the Cavs not having Boozer. Jim ignores him.

10:05 - Dave is pushing for the Josh McRoberts pick by the Jazz. I personally think McRoberts would be a fish out of water in Utah. But that's just me.

10:05 - Almond Joy. The Jazz take Morris Almond. Little Bird is upset. He wanted the Knicks to make this pick. Dave is devastated that McRoberts is still on the board. He wanted more for the kid. He's one of those rare "low risk, low reward" players. Those guys come around once in a lifetime.

10:06 - Do you think the Yi/Yao debate has split the Chinese population apart?

10:07 - Jim finally contributes to the conversation by noticing the steal of the draft: Dan Dickau to the Knicks. Dickau is an assassin. Remember the night where he shot 12 3's in the fourth quarter of a come back win? No? Oh wait, that was in a video game. Charles should remember. He snuck out of the back door of our house, cloaked in shame.

10:11 - More confidential information passed along to The Realests. This time, it's from the Pentagon. Senator Herb Kohl, the owner of the Bucks, has just declared Yi an enemy combatant and sent him to Guantanamo. He'll tear up the prison league.

10:12 - If the Pistons draft Josh McRoberts, we should be demoted to the NBDL.

10:19 - Aaron Afflalo! This is great. Very happy. Joe D did it this year.

10:25 - The Spurs take another foreign player. They love foreign players. We're tired of people calling Tim Duncan foreign. It's absurd.

10:31 - Suns take Alando Tucker. The NY Times said that he is the sleeper of the draft.

10:33 - Dickie V will not stop talking about Randolph and Williams getting in trouble in NYC. From his performance tonight we can conclude that Dickie V 1) hates Randolph, 2) hates Williams, 3) hates NYC, 4) hates Stephen A. and 5) loves Duke.

10:35 - Sorry the posts have been a little low quality for the last few minutes. I had to take Jim's pulse to see if he's still alive. The kid started out with a lot of passion tonight but then fizzled out...fast.

10:37 - Next year we're going to the draft to heckle the commissioner. He'll respect The Realests.

10:38 - The Sixers end the first round by picking the Finnish dude. He brought a lot fellow Fins with him. Oh, and here's a surprise: Jay Bilas says that he loves Koponen but interestingly enough, hates every aspect of his game. At least the kid looks excited to play in America. And the Finnish contingent looks amped up. If China decides to invade, we know that the Fins will have our back.

JIANLIAN: BIG PIMPIN', SPENDING YIS

We don't want to stereotype, but it's hard to imagine Yi Jianlian NOT being a huge stiff. But we gotta admit, after seeing a picture of his longtime girlfriend, Li Yahong (kind of like the Vanessa Minnillo of China), maybe he has more game than we thought.

Shit, Yi could be the highlight of the Green Room tonight (that is, unless Greg Oden's tramp shows up and starts handing out lap dances...):



Man, Yao has some catching up to do...

A PUBLIC APOLOGY

A couple days ago I insinuated that Varun was a douche for selecting Antonin Scalia as Realest of the Week without even reading the post. A few days later, I was telling Varun how real Scalia was to defend Jack Bauer’s interrogation methods. In the end, I looked like a horse’s patoot and I want to apologize for that.

Now that it's behind us, get ready for the best live draft blog in the NBA's history.

NOW THIS IS KIDDIE PORN

From the aptly titled "There's Nothing to Say" segment on The Soup:



Super Nanny? More like Slut Nanny.

ABC has really hit a new low when they turn to toddlers practicing fellatio.

If I walk into the kitchen in 10 years and see my daughter doing this, my head will explode.

SPORTS WRITING GONE WRONG

This was on the Tonight Show and we thought it was too good to be true. It wasn't. From Milwaukee Journal Sentinel writer Lori Nickel, we bring you one of the bigger debacles we've ever seen in print.

"Once the heart and soul of the Saints, an eager contributor to the community, an eight-year veteran and two-time Pro Bowl player and arguably the best player on the entire team, Johnson was let go in an ugly business move after last season.

Twenty-two NFL quarterbacks had felt his sack."

Seriously, how could anyone be so beefheaded? It's been five years people, at least bring it down from the web site! On second thought, don't.

NBA DRAFT BREAKING NEWS

We've decided to live blog the draft. For the last few months, we've been in intense negotiations with Nikoloz Tskitishvili's agent and we've been trying to get him to sit in on the draft with us. We finally brokered a deal and Skeets will be here to give us his vast insight.

Also, to everyone who says that we are giving Simmons a hard time:

1) He asks for it by calling himself the GM of Common Sense. A lot of the statements that we pointed out lacked common sense. Dwight Howard being a bust? Yao being a bust? Joe Forte being good?

2) A lot of people have stated that Simmons has a pretty good track record. Granted that may be true, but a lot of that "good track record" is just the mainstream point of view. If someone can point out some sleepers or unorthodox calls that he's made about the draft, then we'll give you some credit. Otherwise, enjoy your time in hell with ESPN.

3) We've been talking about Ricky Davis for a long time on this blog (just go through the archives). Recently, Simmons has decided to talk about Ricky a little too much for our liking. Stay away from our idol, Simmons. You don't want it with us.

ATTENTION ROBERT KLEEMAN

After reading your comment on our Bruce Bowen post, we've come to the conclusion that you take us way too seriously. Also, large parts of your comments didn't make sense. Please never read our blog again. Thank you.

- Management

WORST JIGGAMAN SONGS

We dickride Jay-Z pretty damn hard around here. We think he's easily the best rapper ever - outpacing Pac and Biggie and twerking idiots like Weezy and Jim Jones. We don't even consider old school rappers in this conversation because, let's face it, if you really enjoy old school rap you're a mindless idiot. That shit is boring. Listen to it long enough and you'll turn into a human vegetable. I can only listen to someone talk about how dope or fresh they are for 5 minutes before my head explodes (but I can listen to "Doe Boy Fresh" for hours...).

Anyway, Jay has had his missteps along the way. And just like Jim took a shot at me earlier this week, I'm going to take some shots at Jay for his more lackluster efforts. And, yes, I did just put myself in the Jay-Z role and dismissively refer to Jim as a hater - I ain't never scared.

So, we'll take this album by album and pick out the worst song on each one. And, in the interest of full disclosure, you all should know that even though these songs suck, I listen to them all the time. What does that say about me? Nothing.

But, first, an interesting side note. I was walking through Marcy Projects last week listening to my Jay-Z playlist on my iPod when it struck me how odd a career path he's had. To wit, early Jay espouses this sort of effortless confidence whereas later Jay has been more concerned with arguing that he's the best and that he's earned his spot at the top. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?? Aren't you supposed to be hungry and angry at the start of your career and then talk about living the life when you're gettin' on in years?? Metaphysical conundrum I suppose. Either way, in the following songs, Jay proves one thing and one thing alone: Even the best have their bad moments.

Reasonable Doubt

Worst Song: Bring It On
Runner up: Regrets

This song sucks. Jay actually flows pretty well on this song - after listening to the lyrics I can't find an exceptionally week line - but the posse cut just ruins it. The beat is subpar, the chorus is abysmal, and the other two jokers on this song suck. Even though Jay held it down, he's responsible for the other idiots on the song. And as for "Regrets?" Boo fucking hoo.

Vol. 1

Worst Song: City Is Mine
Runner up: I Know What Girls Like

BlackStreet is not awesome. Except for that one song they had where Dr. Dre rapped on it. That song was fire. And as for "I Know What Girls Like"? Yikes stripes. The beat makes me want to chop me ears off and Puffy's chorus makes me want to puncture my ear drums.

Vol. 2

Worst Song: Intro - Hand It Down
Runner Up: None

Vol. 2 signified Jay's rise to dominance, so it's no surprise that it was pretty hard to find a bad song on this disc. In the end, however, I had to give the award to the track starring the one and only Memphis Bleek. He sucks. He was one hit away about 5 years ago...now he might be 3 or 4 hits away. Good thing Jay's looking out for him.

Vol. 3

Worst Song: There's Been A Murder
Runner Up: NYMP

Both of these songs suck. There's nothing more to say.

The Dynasty
Worst Song: Are you kidding?

There are no bad songs on this cd. Even though it's been widely panned by critics, this was Jay's true watershed moment. From the "Dynasty Intro" all the way through "Daddy, Where Have You Been?," the disc is unstoppable. In 25 years, when my children are forming their first words, this is the cd that I will play for them. So while your idiot kids are listening to Mozart, mine will be throwing up the ROC.

The Blueprint

Worst Song: Hola Hovito

The only misstep on a classic cd. But I loved this song when the cd came out. I'm an idiot.

The Blueprint 2
Worst Song: Every song on the cd (a 25-way tie)


Now this cd is a crap sandwich. There isn't a redeemable song on here. From start to finish this is just a garbage product. Avoid this like the plague. The funny part is that the 2-cd combination was so bloated that Jay decided to put out The Blueprint v. 2.1 which was 10 of the "best" songs from Blueprint 2... And v 2.1 still sucked.

The Black Album

Worst Song: Justify My Thug

I skip this song every time. I did read, though, that Madonna was supposed to actually sing the chorus instead of the random that they found. That would have made the song more interesting, but I still wouldn't listen to it. Unless she sang in her new British accent.

Kingdom Come

Worst Song: Hollywood

Uh! Gwyneth Paltrow should NEVER be name-checked in a rap song!

Editor's Note: I didn't clear this entry with Jim either, so he might come back and change a few of the songs. What can I say? He's the boss. It's his world.

SPORTS GUY'S TOP NBA DRAFT BLUNDERS

It's been a tough month for the Sports Guy after the Celtics ended up with the 5th overall pick despite tanking the entire second half of their season.

But after repeatedly stating that Kevin Durant should be the No. 1 overall pick instead of Greg Oden, we can't help but call the guy out on some recent draft blunders he's made as an NBA columnist.

Let's just say he wouldn't make a much better GM than Danny Ainge based on his draft diaries from year's past:

5. "Charlotte takes Adam Morrison. Love that pick." - 2006 NBA Draft Diary

'Nuff said. Granted, he was only a rookie last year. But do we really need more time to realize how horrible this pick was after getting benched by the Bobcats?

4. "Following a trade with Portland, Utah takes Deron (don't call me De-RON) Williams at No. 3. Perfect pick – with some luck, he'll be half as good as Chris Paul." - 2005 NBA Draft Diary

Deron Williams looked like one of the best players in the entire league by the end of the year. Granted, being half as good as Chris Paul isn't an insult these days...

3. "Joe Forte falls to the Celts at No. 21! Dad and I are fired up right now. Even the dogs are fired up -- Maggie just belly-flopped on Abbie and they're rolling around on the ground. Good times ... good times." - 2001 NBA Draft Diary

Forte's career in Boston: 8 games, 0.8 PPG. Whoops.

2. "The Magic are on the clock with the first pick. If they're smart, they take Emeka Okafor. If they're dumb, they take Howard. It's that simple." - 2004 NBA Draft Diary

Okafor is no slouch, but what's the over/under on the number of years until his back gives out completely? Our guess is 3.

1. "One more thing: Years from now, we will remember "Yao Ming over Jay Williams" the same way we remember "Bowie over Jordan," "Traylor for Nowitzki," "Carroll for McHale and Parish," "Aguirre over Thomas" and every other great draft day blunder in NBA history. I'm not just predicting it, I'm guaranteeing it." - 2002 NBA Draft Diary

Yaosers in your trowers!

PRESIDENT SOPRANO?

The recent ending of The Sopranos has become something of a cultural moment. Countless magazine and newspaper articles chronicled the end of the show and the resulting fan backlash, hundreds of blogs weighed in on the symbolic meaning, and many fans chose to make their own endings.

Now the cultural zeitgeist might have hit it's peak. Hillary Clinton decided to coopt the phenomenon in order to plug her Presidential campaign. A lot of people might pan this but I think it's pretty genius in a reverse-flip-clap sort of way.

The ending scene of The Sopranos probably was used to indicate just how screwed up the family was and for Hilary Clinton to naively use the same scene just reeks of irony. At least Bill was on it and he gets bonus points for dropping a direct reference to parallel parking.

Maybe he's a reader of this blog. Consider yourself in good company.

Note: I didn't clear this post through Editor Jim, so if you're not satisfied with it I guess the blame falls on me. I know this was no Willie Williams update or Moondog update, but I can't summon the type of genius that Jim can at a moment's notice.

REALEST MOVEMENT GOING GLOBAL

(Editor's note: props to Gabe Edelson for giving us a tip on this story)

How many times do we have to say it people?

This isn't just a blog - it's a movement.

And apparently that movement is reaching New Zealand, as a couple of unqualified parents are trying to name their son "4real". Clearly readers of this blog, we'd like to congratulate Pat and Sheena Wheaton on their new baby boy.

By the way, I have nothing to do with the previous post about Justice Scalia and think studying for the bar exam has left Varun two notches above retarded.

REALEST OF THE WEEK: JUSTICE SCALIA

Jack Bauer has been searching for a road dog for the past two seasons as a series of untimely (but extremely exciting) deaths/injuries has left Jack without a dependable ally in the field.

Mason bit the dust early on. Tony, Michelle, Curtis, and Doyle all met with serious misfortune also. The writers of 24 made a critical mistake in killing off all these characters for the sake of excitement. They forgot the fact that, even though it's great when Jack is a renegade, he still needs that one road dog to back him up and support him when things go down. The role usually falls on Chloe or Buchanan - and they usually rise to the challenge. But, they are missing that certain road dog quality - that loyal dependability that Jack really needs.

That's where Justice Scalia comes in.

Scalia is principled (you may not agree with those principles, but you have to admit that he sticks by them), hard-nosed, and believes that Jack should be able to torture people in emergency situations. If that's not a road dog, we don't know what is. Sure, Justice Scalia doesn't have weapons training or have the faintest clue about CTU protocols - but who cares? He'll have Jack's back and that's the important thing.

Maybe next year we'll get a Supreme Court storyline with Justice Scalia leaving the bench to help Jack interrogate a suspect or defuse a nuclear bomb. After this season's dismal run, that would definitely be an upgrade.

LAVAR ARRINGTON: THE BLACK BOSWORTH

On his 29th birthday, we'd like to commemorate LaVar Arrington's time in the NFL.

Having been elected to 3 straight Pro Bowls due to fan incompetence, it gets lost in the shuffle just how big a bust LaVar was in the league. This guy came into the NFL hyping himself as the next Lawrence Taylor (his reason for wearing #56 in Washington) only to play essentially 5 seasons (if his retirement wasn't a formality already, it is now).

In fact, LaVar was such a huge flop we decided to compare him with the master of self-promotion, Brian Bosworth, in a battle of the most overhyped linebackers in NFL history.

LaVar

Claim to Fame: The Leap
Butkus Award Winner: 1999
The Next...: Lawrence Taylor
Draft: No. 2 overall (2000)
NFL Seasons: 7 (2000-06)
Highlight: Ending Troy Aikman's career
Lowlight: Getting benched in D.C.
Undoing: Freelancing
Reason for Retirement: Torn achilles compounded with motorcycle crash

The Boz

Claim to Fame: The Hair
Butkus Award Winner: 1985, '86
The Next...: Dick Butkus
Draft: No. 1 overall (1987 supplemental draft)
NFL Seasons: 3 (1987-89)
Highlight: Umm....
Lowlight: Getting trucked by Bo Jackson
Undoing: Steroids
Reason for Retirement: Chronic shoulder problems

IS WEST VIRGINIA THE NEW MIAMI?

A couple of months ago we called out West Virginia for reportedly showing interest in former Miami bad boy Willie Williams.

While Willie ended up at Louisville instead, West Virginia is still flying under the radar as the new Miami Hurricanes of college football. Take a look at some former and current Mountaineers in the headlines:

"Capman" Jones: People in Morgantown got a sense Jones was a trouble maker when he was accused of hitting two fellow students with a pool stick at a bar in his first week on campus in 2002. Just five years later, people are now calling for a lifetime NFL ban for Jones.

Chris Henry: Henry first made a splash in 2004 after he was ejected from a game against Rutgers and an obscenity-filled tirade at fans. Already suspended for 8 games by Roger Goodell for his four arrests, Henry is now being investigated for beating up a 16-year-old kid.

Travis Garvin: Garvin, WVU's third-leading receiver in 2003, paired up with old-timer Alvoid Mays to knock off a supermarket in 2004. While no longer on the team at the time, Garvin's character was already in question by the time he arrived at WVU after getting arrested for marijuana at Missouri. Man, those 2003 Mountaineers were a special squad...

Pat Lazear: An incoming freshman linebacker, Lazear spent 10 days in jail after knocking off a Smoothie King in Bethesda after providing the weapon and driving the not-so getaway car. We'll be sure to keep an eye on him.

Update: Oh yeah, and they hired Bob Huggins as their basketball coach! 'Nuff said.

STAGE MOM PUTS REALESTS ON BLAST

While the rumors proved to be false (for now), we seem to have set off another firestorm from the looks of an e-mail we received this morning about the post:

I really don't see the humor in this. I am Ashley's mom and I'm extremely disappointed that Forest doesn't have the brains to call Isaiah, the producer and get the last name--Fauble. She was a co-star in "Brown Bag Adventure" produced by Isaiah Hole and directed by Danny Mooney and she had a blast working with everyone and can't wait to do more film, so please lay off the inappropriate comments.

Woah, Ms. Lippy! Get a sense of humor - this is for your kid's amusement (the kids!). And take it easy that Forest didn't plug your daughter's performance on a blog.

No wonder these kids always end up in rehab...

ALBINO ALBA CHAPS REALESTS' ASS

Thank you Reed Tucker of the New York Post for holding someone accountable for turning Jessica Alba into an albino in The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer:

THERE'S only one thing worse than taking the hottest young actress in Hollywood and making her invisible. And that's giving her a terrible dye and makeup job...

... So why mess with perfection? Ironically, it's to appease comic book fans, who know Alba's character, Sue Storm, as a blond-haired, blue-eyed "Girl Next Door." It's the same reason Kate Bosworth had that mousy brunette dye job in "Superman Returns" - you don't want to annoy the core constituency, says Will Murakami, vice president of comics-store chain Mile High Comics.

We're going to go out on a limb here and say Will has never seen female genetalia.

And then we're gonna go further out on the limb by saying the number of dudes who want to see a hot Jessica Alba is greater than the number of hardcore Fantastic 4 fans (seriously, who had heard of this comic before the first movie?).

Alba Before


Alba After


Nice work, guys. IDIOT!!!!!

MOONDOG MAILING IN THE FINALS?

How are the Cavaliers supposed to have any chance of coming back from a 3-0 deficit when the mascot has turned his attention to boning Eva Longoria?

Shame on you Moondog, shame on you...

By the way, would someone explain to us once and for all the connection between Moondogs and Cleveland????

THE REAL (OLD) WORLD

MTV is struggling. It's pathetic at this point. The only bright point on their schedule is the glory of the Gauntlet/Inferno. The reality challenges are by far the most compelling programming they have - TRL is like an old prize fighter that can barely stand up straight but continues to fight, the dating shows are just a showcase for ugly sluts and idiotic fratboys (and don't even have the saving grace of being funny), and there's no reason to wait around for videos when you can watch them immediately on the internet.

These problems clearly lead the brainiacs at MTV to take drastic measures. Their grand solution? Real World Reunited: Vegas.

Originally, the Realests were amped to watch the newest installment. The Vegas Crew was one of the all-time greats - they really had everything (fights, sex, pregnancy scares, racism, more sex, threesomes, more sex, idiots). So, of course, we assumed that there would be more of the same this season.

Boy were we wrong.


There's nothing worse than a fallen champion - and that's what these people have become. Unfortunately, it looks like the biggest surprise this season might be Frank and Steven doing each other in the confessional room. After watching last night's episode, where Irulan demanded to leave the show over Frank gleeking on her and Arissa contemplated leaving because the suite was dirty, I realized how bored I was. Now, does this mean that I have finally become too mature to watch this crap?? No. Of course not. It simply means that I need smuttier and more degrading stuff to entertain myself.

Now, The Realests aren't the type of people to just point out problems and not provide solutions. So, here goes... Our solution is a Real World where each cast member is their 30's or 40's. Think about how genius that would be! There's nothing more pathetic than old people getting smashed! Old people have WAY more problems than younger people! Instead of watching young people that are shells of their old selves we could watch old people that are shells of themselves!

Brain Graden, take notes. That's realety tv.

CELTICS SCOUTING COURTNEY SIMS!

OK, even Danny Ainge isn't THAT stupid. Apparently, since Courtney Sims grew up in Massachusetts, Boston decided to bring him in as Joakim Noah’s rag doll during a rag doll practice. This from the Boston Herald:

After watching the ebullient and sometimes brash Florida forward go through a workout against Courtney Sims - the Roslindale native and Michigan forward brought in to provide Noah with a foil - Doc Rivers didn't have to worry about drawing this potential Celtic out of a shell.

Is this what it’s come to, Courtney – being Joakim Noah’s bitch? Just imagine having to go through an hour of Noah screaming in your face...

As for Courtney, what’s next: Getting a master's so he can practice against women’s college basketball teams?

MAN, FRAT GUYS ARE DOUCHE BAGS

Need I say more? The sad thing is The Realests recognize this guy...

REALEST OF THE WEEK: DAVID CHASE

The Sopranos series finale was awesome.

The Realests have no patience with people who have actually watched the show throughout the years and are upset with how the series ended. It's understandable to be confused/upset if you never watched the show and tuned into the finale and didn't get the big payoff that you expected. But the anti-climax is what the show was all about. Tony made his bed of dread and fear and he'll be sleeping in it for the rest of his life. I don't think he got capped, don't think anything bad happened in that diner.

The genius of the ending is that the dread that we, the audience, felt during those last 5 minutes in the diner is the constant cycle of fear and paranoia that Tony is going to face the rest of his life.


The Realests have always subscribed to the "screw-the-audience-we're-doing-what-we-want-to-do-even-if-that-means-that our-future-feature-film-"Fratboy Missionaries"-will-never-get-made" mentality. So, it's no surprise that we liked The Sopranos series finale. It tied up whatever the writers thought was relevant and asked the audience to actually think at the end. So, in a way, The Sopranos series finale was a microcosm for what Fratboy Missionaries could have been. Is it weird that we just compared our unmade movie to perhaps the most critically acclaimed show of all time? No, not at all. If you read this blog regularly, that's actually par for the course. If anything, we're undervaluing ourselves.

Oh, by the way, Journey rocks.

And, if Lost decides to have a series finale like that I'm pretty sure that the Realests might self-implode. That would be inexcusable.

Also, The Wire is about to bring the pain in Season 5. And I mean that literally - I think that the fifth season of The Wire might really crush your soul.

P.S. You'll get your Vegas recap sometime this week once we've sorted through our broken spirits (actually, the trip was a lot of fun and pretty absurd).

TRUEHOOP Q&A: "GET THE REALESTS"

Just moments away from another trip to Sin City, The Realests decided to sit down our newest road dog, Henry Abbott from TrueHoop, to get his thoughts on the NBA Finals, 2007 Draft, The Realests and much, much more.

Enjoy (Editor’s note: our favorite parts are bolded for easier reading).

Realests: First question: NBA Finals prediction? Do the Cavs have any chance?

TrueHoop: I'm a big believer they do. They play great D. They are 3-1 against SA over the last two years. Bruce Bowen looks like a little gnat against LBJ and in the lane. Duncan looks mortal against James.

Realests: What are the chances Bruce Bowen seriously injures LeBron?

TrueHoop: I think it's unlikely. Everyone will be looking for that, you know?

Realests: We know you are a huge Blazers fan. Do you hold yourself and your daughter's good luck charm personally responsible for getting the No. 1 overall pick?

TrueHoop: Look, I know it makes me seem like a total egomaniac, but I can't shake the feeling that the good vibes from me and a million other Blazer fans totally changed things. I have that good luck charm here, and I worry that if something happened to it, something might happen to Greg Oden.

Realests: What did you think of your colleague Jon Barry when he suggested you trade the pick for some "veteran guys"?

TrueHoop: I am totally in favor of getting some experience on the team, but not with that pick. I don't want to import a massive star. Roy, Oden, and Aldridge should command the ball. But I would love to have Tayshaun Prince or someone like that to round things out, and deliver the wisdom without needing the ball a lot. Plus, this is a magical pick. Wouldn't trade it for anyone.

Realests: Speaking of the Pistons, what do you think about Rasheed for Randolph rumors? Or do you think it will take Prince?

TrueHoop: Portland fans are very demanding of their team. They LOATHE what Bob Whitsitt did, and their love of the Blazers is conditional on that never happening again. What did he do, exactly? Hard to say, but I think Portlanders largely agree that his biggest crime was bringing in Rasheed Wallace. He'll never play in Portland again, even though, with different fans, I might make that trade.

Realests: Moving ahead to the NBA Draft. We notice that NBADraft.net's first European player being taken is Rudy Fernandez at No. 18. Is there a lack of Euro trash this year or have GMs finally realized how overrated they are?

TrueHoop: I don't think anyone thinks it's overrated. This or that player might have disappointed, but in the big picture, the MASSIVE influx rides on. (In the Finals: Ilgauskas, Parker, Ginobili kind of counts, Varejao, Pavlovic, Oberto.) This is just the year that all those high-schoolers had to wait a year, so the lottery is stuffed with guys who would have gone last year.

Realests: On that note, do you think we'll ever see Nikoloz Tskitishvili playing in the Finals? We're convinced he'll be there.

TrueHoop: He should train to be a ref if he wants to be on the court in the Finals.

Realests: We first read about Worldwide Wes on your web site. Who is more powerful: William Wesley or David Stern?

TrueHoop: David Stern, probably, but it depends what you want to get done. If you want players to begrudgingly do something, Stern has the hammer to make it so. If you want players to believe in something, William Wesley can talk them into it (if it's one of the players who listens to him). In some settings, that makes Wesley more powerful, I guess, because in the end it's the players who have the power, and Wesley has access to their hearts.

Realests: How many hours do you dedicate to the blog and how many articles do you read each day?

TrueHoop: Oh, I work from 9 - 6:30 or so on a regular day, and then I often watch games and blog a little more in the evening. There are always phone calls and emails. I try not to work weekends, as I have little kids and a great wife, but sometimes do. So, the time is ... non-trivial. As for the number of articles, I at least peek at more than a thousand a day, easily. Thanks to the magic of RSS, that doesn't take too terribly long.

Realests: Two-part question: Would you describe how you got picked up by ESPN and do you envision The Realests as part of the Worldwide Leader some day?

TrueHoop: Wasn't looking to sell it, honestly. They called and said they were wondering what my plans were for the future and all that kind of stuff. It took some figuring ... no one knew how to buy a blog, what it was worth, what the editorial process would be and all that. But, over the course of a year we hammered out every little thing, and then I gave my life savings to my business partner, my attorney and accountant. Pretty hot, though, all in all, I'm not complaining. And you should see the post-it notes on my wall: "JOB #1: GET THE REALESTS"

Realests: You have no idea how happy that makes us. What team showed you that they have the potential to break out next year? I know that's kind of hard to assess because there hasn't been free agency or the draft yet.

TrueHoop: PORTLAND! That's my homer answer. Without a ton of thinking, how about Utah, Chicago, healthy New Orleans, Philadelphia if they keep Andre Miller and draft well, and Seattle.

Realests: Philosophical question: What do you think the chances are of the universe imploding when the two biggest floppers in the league - Ginobili and Varejao - collide tonight?

TrueHoop: The best possible highlight would be ZERO contact and both players on the floor.

Realests: What will the league do in the offseason to crack down on the epidemic of flopping? Will there be suspensions or fines next year?

TrueHoop: I don't know what you can do. Maybe fine and suspend based on instant replay after the game? 'Cause if the referees can tell what's going on, they can already adjust accordingly.

Realests: As Michigan alums, we have Wolverine center Courtney Sims going mid to late first round in the draft. Where do you have him going in your mock draft? Tread carefully....we have a lot of Michigan readers coming to our page....

TrueHoop: Oh man, I think he'll be top ten for sure. No, I'm kidding. If I had that kind of knowledge I'd be living on the beach in Hawaii, like Chad Ford. Where Courtney Sims will end up is WAY beyond my realm of expertise. I'm way stronger on stuff like Brazilian home remedies that helped Leandro Barbosa get drafted.

Realests: We appreciate the honesty. Who do you think has the best "Who-Me?-That-Foul-Was-On-ME?!?!" face?

TrueHoop: From the instant I read your question, until now, I can picture nothing but Tim Duncan.

Realests: We couldn't agree more. OK, last question: We have always had a sneaking suspicion that Greg Oden is LeBron James' father. Do you see the resemblance?

TrueHoop: I'm against the government collecting and analyzing our DNA. But in certain cases, it probably should be done.

Realests: Thanks so much for your time - we really appreciate it. Best of luck with the Finals and we'll let you know when we hear from the ESPN brass about being picked up.

TrueHoop: Nice. Thanks a lot for having me. It was fun.

BRUCE BOWEN'S DIRRRTIEST HITS

After an extremely unpredictable 2007 Playoffs, the only thing guaranteed in this year's NBA Finals is that Bruce Bowen is going to try and castrate LeBron James. In honor of this Spur's grisly tactics, we have compiled a list of Bowen's Dirrtiest Hits.

Apologies to Amare Stoudemire for not making this list - we're sure you will be on it shortly.

Cue the Christina Aguilera music and enjoy...


5. Kicking Ray Allen in the back

Bowen has dealt out much more pain to Ray Allen but this is just comical how blatantly childish this is.

4. Stepping on Steve Francis

A staple of the Bruce Bowen defense, here he steps on Steve Francis' foot while he comes down from a jump shot. Bowen is so dirty he doesn't even realize when he is doing the other team a favor, such as in this case.

3. Undercutting Vince Carter

As if it isn't enough to try and take out Vinsanity's knees, Bowen has the audicity to give the Tim Duncan shit-eating-grin afterward while complaining to the refs. How does Vince not pop Bowen here???

2. Kneeing Steve Nash in the nuts

If it was anyone else in the league aside from Bowen or Chris Wilcox, you probably give them the benefit of the doubt on this one. But given Bruce Bowen's history, this is 100% intentional.

1. Kicking Wally World in the face

You don't think Wally was happy when he got shipped to the Eastern Conference? Nothing pisses off Bruce "Lee" more than a pretty boy with short, spikey hair - except for childhood obesity, of course.


At some point this series, a Cavalier is going to have to step up and do what no one else has been willing to do - take a swing at Bowen and police the game themselves since the referees won't.

Our nomination is Bad Boy wanna-be Drew Gooden and his ducktail...

HOW COULD BLUE BE SO BEEFHEADED?!?!?

After getting an anonymous tip that Michigan didn't place a bid for the Super Regionals, we have confirmed through the athletic department this is the reason Michigan has to travel across the entire country to face the defending College World Series champions in Oregon State.

As you can see here, Big Blue's athletic department has a history of blowing it.

APPARENTLY, this was unavoidable because The Fish is now under major renovation. We all know that construction is Bill Martin's favorite part of being the AD and nothing - not even the sports themselves - will get in his way of developing real estate.

Now we don't want to crush Michigan for this mistake because the stadium renovation has been in the works for years. But after hosting the Big Ten Tournament just last week, couldn't Martin have pushed back construction just for the slim possibility of hosting the Super Regional?

We're still 100% confident in Rich Maloney but Ray Fisher and the Daily's baseball beat writers deserved better...

V ENTERS WITNESS PROTECTION PROGRAM

There's really no point in even describing the heroics of LeBron James last night.

Stepping up for Varejao after McDyess hacked him, faking a limp to milk the endorsement dollars and then pulling the Kellen Winslow act like he had to be carried off the court - the guy needed to take a bow after the game.

Our only criticism is that Mike Brown didn't push LeBron off in a wheelchair with an IV sticking in him.

All of these things combined with LeBron dunking the last 15 shots of the game pushed V-Dot over the edge as he announced he was entering the Witness Protection Program.

Judging from last night, Tayshaun Prince might want to join him.

He will now be starting over somewhere on the West Coast with a new identity to avoid the public humiliation of losing to a team with Varejao, Sasha Pavlovic and Drew Gooden's pubic hair on the back of his head.

Nike better starting printing those T-shirts like crazy...