6.23.2007

WORST JIGGAMAN SONGS

We dickride Jay-Z pretty damn hard around here. We think he's easily the best rapper ever - outpacing Pac and Biggie and twerking idiots like Weezy and Jim Jones. We don't even consider old school rappers in this conversation because, let's face it, if you really enjoy old school rap you're a mindless idiot. That shit is boring. Listen to it long enough and you'll turn into a human vegetable. I can only listen to someone talk about how dope or fresh they are for 5 minutes before my head explodes (but I can listen to "Doe Boy Fresh" for hours...).

Anyway, Jay has had his missteps along the way. And just like Jim took a shot at me earlier this week, I'm going to take some shots at Jay for his more lackluster efforts. And, yes, I did just put myself in the Jay-Z role and dismissively refer to Jim as a hater - I ain't never scared.

So, we'll take this album by album and pick out the worst song on each one. And, in the interest of full disclosure, you all should know that even though these songs suck, I listen to them all the time. What does that say about me? Nothing.

But, first, an interesting side note. I was walking through Marcy Projects last week listening to my Jay-Z playlist on my iPod when it struck me how odd a career path he's had. To wit, early Jay espouses this sort of effortless confidence whereas later Jay has been more concerned with arguing that he's the best and that he's earned his spot at the top. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around?? Aren't you supposed to be hungry and angry at the start of your career and then talk about living the life when you're gettin' on in years?? Metaphysical conundrum I suppose. Either way, in the following songs, Jay proves one thing and one thing alone: Even the best have their bad moments.

Reasonable Doubt

Worst Song: Bring It On
Runner up: Regrets


This song sucks. Jay actually flows pretty well on this song - after listening to the lyrics I can't find an exceptionally week line - but the posse cut just ruins it. The beat is subpar, the chorus is abysmal, and the other two jokers on this song suck. Even though Jay held it down, he's responsible for the other idiots on the song. And as for "Regrets?" Boo fucking hoo.

Vol. 1

Worst Song: City Is Mine
Runner up: I Know What Girls Like

BlackStreet is not awesome. Except for that one song they had where Dr. Dre rapped on it. That song was fire. And as for "I Know What Girls Like"? Yikes stripes. The beat makes me want to chop me ears off and Puffy's chorus makes me want to puncture my ear drums.

Vol. 2

Worst Song: Intro - Hand It Down
Runner Up: None

Vol. 2 signified Jay's rise to dominance, so it's no surprise that it was pretty hard to find a bad song on this disc. In the end, however, I had to give the award to the track starring the one and only Memphis Bleek. He sucks. He was one hit away about 5 years ago...now he might be 3 or 4 hits away. Good thing Jay's looking out for him.

Vol. 3

Worst Song: There's Been A Murder
Runner Up: NYMP

Both of these songs suck. There's nothing more to say.

The Dynasty
Worst Song: Are you kidding?

There are no bad songs on this cd. Even though it's been widely panned by critics, this was Jay's true watershed moment. From the "Dynasty Intro" all the way through "Daddy, Where Have You Been?," the disc is unstoppable. In 25 years, when my children are forming their first words, this is the cd that I will play for them. So while your idiot kids are listening to Mozart, mine will be throwing up the ROC.

The Blueprint

Worst Song: Hola Hovito

The only misstep on a classic cd. But I loved this song when the cd came out. I'm an idiot.


The Blueprint 2
Worst Song: Every song on the cd (a 25-way tie)


Now this cd is a crap sandwich. There isn't a redeemable song on here. From start to finish this is just a garbage product. Avoid this like the plague. The funny part is that the 2-cd combination was so bloated that Jay decided to put out The Blueprint v. 2.1 which was 10 of the "best" songs from Blueprint 2... And v 2.1 still sucked.

The Black Album

Worst Song: Justify My Thug

I skip this song every time. I did read, though, that Madonna was supposed to actually sing the chorus instead of the random that they found. That would have made the song more interesting, but I still wouldn't listen to it. Unless she sang in her new British accent.

Kingdom Come

Worst Song: Hollywood

Uh! Gwyneth Paltrow should NEVER be name-checked in a rap song!

Editor's Note: I didn't clear this entry with Jim either, so he might come back and change a few of the songs. What can I say? He's the boss. It's his world.

1 comment:

Jay-Z said...

I'm Young H.O.V! Holla at your boyee!

The ROC is in the building. Throw ya diamonds up!