MICHIGAN SPORTS STATE OF THE UNION

(Update: Tajh Boyd to Clemson. Victory!!!!!!!)

We've gotten away from our bread and better the last couple weeks, so we're going to hook you up with a quick breakdown of everything going on in Michigan sports.

Drumroll, please:

• It was almost a year ago to the day we "heard" about the Kitten Killer at Syracuse. Well, let's just say it's a very cruel twist of fate that Greg Robinson is now Michigan's defensive coordinator. MGoBlog has a complete breakdown of the hire, including Robinson's alarming defensive stats over the past couple years. Does he have great credentials as a DC? Certainly. But when you combine two guys that both went 3-9 last year, let's just say this isn't the offseason spark we were looking for.

• What is going on with Corperryale Harris? Over the past 4 games, he's shot a paltry 34% from the field (16-47). Beilein says everyone's overreacting: "I see these matchups on TV and who’s leading the Big Ten (in scoring), that is not a stat that should be (relevant.) It should be are we winning games? So, not at all." Note to coach Beilein: We HAVEN'T been winning games! Anywho, right now we're among Joe Lunardi's Last 4 In and it appears we'll be sweating out a bid all the way up until Selection Sunday. And yes, it makes us sick too to cheer for Duke.

• Poor Steve Kampfer. The dude gets body slammed by Mike Milano in the fall, then almost gets his neck broken in a hockey game this past weekend. And why is Kampfer's dad the one apologizing for confronting MSU's Corey Tropp in the locker room?

• Tajh Boyd is about to commit to either Ohio State, Clemson or Oregon today. As previously stated, I'm going to hurl if he ends up at Ohio State. That would be BACK-TO-BACK MVPs OF THE U.S. ARMY BOWL, both at quarterback! While it seems crazy to follow Pryor, it actually makes perfect sense. Boyd will redshirt this year, Pryor will likely be gone by his junior year, and then Boyd gets three years as a starter. Hey, maybe we'll be able to beat the Bucks by 2014!

• Props to Daily sports writer Dan Feldman. I've never met the guy, but to have your blog picked up by ESPN within a year is pretty outstanding.

• It's way too early for a Super Sleeper in this year's NCAA Tournament, but we'll throw you a bone, people. We're really impressed by the Buffalo Bulls. That's right, Buffalo. They've already downed Temple, played Connecticut close (L, 68-64) and won 9 out of their last 11.

WEEZY F. ARCHIVE

We really seem to have a struck a chord with the Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day, with hits up and users even submitting their own favorite mind-numbing lines.

As such, we've decided to start an archive that will sit atop the Classic Jams sidebar on the right for all eternity.

Enjoy and please feel free to keep the submissions coming on this page or by sending us an e-mail.

Cheers.

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #16: "Crazy on these n*****, I don't give a motherfuck. Run up in a n*****' house and shoot his grandmother up. What. I don't give a motherfuck. Get your baby kidnapped and your baby motherfucked."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #15: " 'Geant ou petite', we do it the biggest, and new nae rats mean we ain't snitches. Now can ya tell me how good my French is: 'voulez-vous coucher avec moi bitches?' "

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #14: "Young, rich bastard. Nine in my jacket, just waiting to blast it. And I was born in a casket. In other words, I was born to die, fagot."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #13: "I ain't got a nose for you boogers, I'm sugar."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #12: "The only time I wear Depends is when I'm 70 years old. That's when I can't hold my shit within, so I shit on myself. Cause I'm so sick and tired of shitting on everybody else."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #11: "I swear the other day I pissed Cristal."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #10: "We are not the same, I am an alien. Like Gonzalez, young college student. Who done just flipped the game, like Houston."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #9: "When you're great it's not murder it's assassinate. So assassinate me, bitch. Cause I'm doing the same shit Martin Luther King did. Checkin' in the same hotel in the same suite bitch same balcony. Like assassinate me bitch."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #8: "Abracadabra, I'm up like Viagra. I just do this shit for my click like Adam Sandler."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #7: "I flushed out the feeling of me being the shit. Cuz I was leaving skid marks on everywhere I sit."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #6: "Uh, Mr. Al Sharpton, here's why I don't respect you and nobody like you.

Mmm hmm, see you're the type that gets off on gettin' on other people. That's not good - no homo.

And rather unhuman I should say. I mean, given the fact that humanity - well, good humanity, rather - to me, is helpin' one another, no matter your color or race.

But this guy - and people like him - they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's a word..."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #5: "Dropping ashes in the bible, I shake 'em out and they fall on the rifle. Scary, Hail Mary, no tale fairy. All real very, extraordinary."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #4: "Swagger tighter than a yeast infection. Fly go hard like geese erection."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #3: "I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed."

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #2: "I feel big! Not, not "big" in the sense of weight, you know like gaining weight or - nothing like that. But like COLOSSAL, you know what I mean? Like... (Sigh)"

Weezy F. Baby Thought of the Day #1: "My picture should be in the dictionary, next to the definition, of definition."

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

From the "It's Me Bitches" remix with Jadakiss and R. Kelly:

" 'Geant ou petite', we do it the biggest, and new nae rats mean we ain't snitches.

Now can ya tell me how good my French is: 'voulez-vous coucher avec moi bitches?' "

Quick refresher: The last line is translated: "Will you sleep with me tonight..... bitches." Hey, we understand that you're going to occasionally lift lines when you pump out 3,000 songs a day. But jacking material from Lady Marmalade? Oy.

We realize French is important in New Orleans. But as one astute fan already noted: Hey Wayne, shouldn't you learn English first?

(Editor's Note: To whoever posted below: Yes, the last line was a little harsh. But we kid because we love. I mean what's realer than selling a million records of gibberish in a week???)

OBAMA EXPRESS, BITCHES!!!

Update: It's been two days and I'm still in shock.

After getting up at 6 AM and standing in the freezing cold for nearly 3 hours, I never even got a whiff of the National Mall due to a massive breakdown in the security lines.

Needless to say, I'm a little skeptical my government can solve two wars and a financial crisis when it's too incompetent to A) send me my absentee ballot and B) allow me to watch my president take office after enduring a 5-hour bus ride from New York.

I see nothing short of a personal letter of apology from the government in our inbox that will restore my faith in this country.

Otherwise, let us never speak of this again.


That's right. Due to a last minute Flip McTastic, The Realests are currently sitting on a bus headed to DC for the HISTORIC inauguration of Barack Obama (If you thought hearing that Jerome Bettis was from Detroit got old, brace yourselves).

We're rumored to be attending a concert tonight that involves DMX. Something we find hard to believe since A) the Crack Man is in jail and B) he still may not know who Barack Obama is. But never put anything by X...

We'll have more from the trail to come.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

From "Damn", also off "The Best of Lil Wayne" mixtape:

"Young, rich bastard. Nine in my jacket, just waiting to blast it.
And I was born in a casket. In other words, I was born to die, fagot."

A couple questions here:

• When you say you were born in a casket - does that mean you were actually conceived out of a corpse or your mom just-so-happened to be lying in a casket when you were delivered?

• So because you were born in a casket, you were born to die? As opposed to the rest of us that are born to... what exactly?

• Are you implying that by being born there you've already experienced death in a way? It's all very poetic, but we're not buying it.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

From "Down" on the mixtape "Best of Lil Wayne":

"I ain't got a nose for you boogers, I'm sugar."

You see what he did there?

He took an insult, flipped it into a drug reference, and then handed his shit to you in a doggy bag. Genius!

FAKEST OF THE YEAR

What's the saying: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice... well you can't fool me again.

???

Of course "The Truth" wasn't even supposed to play last night because of that chronic knee injury - then drops 39 on the Raptors.

Stop that Ahki!

"THE COURAGE OF DETROIT" REAX

Just got through with the much-hyped Mitch Albom story in SI in which he waxes poetic about everything from The Big Three to the Detroit Lions. And we gotta admit: There are parts he absolutely NAILS it. The ending, for example: Phenomenal.

No one ever said the man can't write.

It did drag a little long and the rhetorical questions got a little old, but it's definitely worth a read for any UM alum.

But there's just one graph we can't get over as he sets up this Shakespearean tragedy for us:

"The Tigers were supposed to win big last season; they finished last in their division. Michigan got a new football coach with a spread offense and an eye on a national championship; the Wolverines had their first losing season since 1967."

An eye on a national championship? Who you trying to get crazy with Ese?

Mitch, baby, this is where you always get in trouble. You're writing the lights out on another gem when a fact doesn't quite fit into your story (i.e. not even the craziest of Michigan fans thought we were going to win the Big 10, much less the nati), so you embellish and just jam it in there anyway like a square peg into a round hole.

A real shame. One detail tarnishes a whole story. Typical Albom.

LET THE DEBATE BEGIN...

Yeah, Tim Tebow now has a Heisman and two nati's.

But who will make the better pro?

VS.

The floor is open...

BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK

We take a week off posting and already the blogosphere is going into hysterics. Well relax because the Teflon Dons are back with notes on Big Blue sports.

FOOTBALL

• We aren't panicking yet since the season isn't even over, but we might want to jump on this defensive coordinator thing. Unless Rich Rod can pull a rabbit out of his ass like Tommy Tuberville, we still think Jeff Casteel is far and away the best option - even after Hakeem Nicks ran circles around the 3-3-5 in the Car Care Bowl. Lock it up, R.R.!

• Did anyone else get a chance to see the Army All-American Bowl? We have just one thing to say: Tajh Boyd = Real Deal Holyfield. The game's co-MVP is a Pat White clone, with a stronger arm. The fact he's not even considering Michigan after Beaver left us high and dry makes us sick. If Ohio State lands him one year after snatching away Terrelle Pryor, I will definitely throw up all over myself and wipe it on my shirt - again.

• It seems all but official that The Matrix will be heading home to Houston to play for Rice instead of attending Texas A&M. Bravo, Sam. While we joke no one plays defense in the Big 12, McGuffie would've been reduced to a Rag Doll again in College Station. This just in: They don't hit as hard at Rice. And with a wide-open offense that will get him the ball in space, expect big things from this kid in 2010.

• Our thoughts on William Campbell: Holy moley. Yeah even we're salivating a little bit thinking about Big Willy Style and Brandon Graham lined up next to each other next year. If Campbell had ended up bouncing like Beaver, Rich Rod would have had a complete mental breakdown and coached next season with tapioca all over his face. Thanks Will.


BASKETBALL

• We don't care that this is an Indiana team that lost to Lipscomb and Northeastern: John Beilein is the smartest man alive. And the fact we hadn't beaten the Hoosiers in Bloomington since 1995 is particularly disgusting because they haven't even been good for the past decade! Good riddance to that streak.

• Is there any argument that Manny Harris is the Big Ten's MVP? We are literally one twisted ankle away from a 7th place finish in the conference. When Manny isn't Manny - as has been the case the last couple games - the team is just DeShawn Sims and a bunch of white pipsqueaks.

• As soon as the ball bounces off the rim, we might as well sprint back to the other end because we damn sure aren't grabbing a rebound this year. Granted, a lot of it is Beilein's system where no one is under the hoop. But can we please punch someone in the face to make them think twice about wiping the glass? We better not have too many more off-nights from downtown. Think about it: It's pretty alarming a Beilein team can hit 18 of 27 treys and STILL lose (like West Virginia did in the 2005 Elite Eight to Louisville). Yorp.

• How about that crazy Tommy Amaker?! We thought you could stick a fork in T.A. after the recruiting scandal a couple months back, but you watch: A BCS program will hire him next year based solely on this victory. Seton Hall, perhaps? USF is another possibility. We've been brutal to Tommy over the years here, but give the man credit for taking a miserable Ivy League job to stick with coaching. But please everyone - let's chalk this up to Boston College sleepwalking through the game instead of Amaker's "mastermind gameplan."

OLD SCHOOL JAM OF THE DAY

One of Jigga's greatest bangers of all-time. Which doofus let this slip onto the Nutty Professor 2 soundtrack instead of giving it proper respect with a spot on an album?

We're looking at you, Dame Dash. You d-bag...

2008 REALEST OF THE YEAR: STARBURY

There were a lot of horrible people in 2008 that deserved this award, but it's really been a one-man race for the last 3 months.

Without further adieu, we here at The Realests would like to congratulate Stephon Marbury on being named this year's R.O.Y.

The man's been a cancer everywhere he's gone (Minnesota, New Jersey, Phoenix), but his current stop in New York has transformed him into "The Dark Angel of Death" - to quote Tony Kornheiser.

Seriosly, we challenge anyone to think of a bigger team cancer than Steph right now. T.O. as an Eagle was comparable, but the gigantic difference here is that Marbury's still gettin' paid!

Only in America can the following take place:

- Employer asks you to work
- You tell them to "Fuck off"
- You still get $22 million to sit on your ass!

And let's not forget Steph's completely incoherent rant just a couple weeks back and that absurd head tattoo he got over the summer (Editor's Note: We highly recommend anyone pondering a shot at 2009 R.O.Y. to get a face or head tattoo).

And when Steph says he has the greatest job in the world, he's not exaggerating. He actually does. While the Knicks are going through another brutal season, Starbury is hitting up Peanuts in L.A. and bubblin' in Dublin (big props to the first person that can identify that quote) - when he's not taking in Knicks games courtside.

And be sure to check out his recent blog post on the New York Post's site where Stephon goes philosophical on us.

Welcome Steph, to the most exclusive of fraternities:

2007 R.O.Y.: Akon
2006 R.O.Y.: The Realests
2005 R.O.Y.: Arizona Bum

And finally: In any normal year, these would all have been deserving of R.O.Y. honors. We salute you too, gentlemen.

Honorable Mention:
- Rod Blagojevich
- Kevin Garnett
- Bill O'Reilly
- Weezy F. Baby
- Pesky The Excitable Boy