"PUT GARNETT IN NET" CAMPAIGN

From everyone we've talked to about the U.S. sucking ass in the World Cup, there seems to be one thing on all our minds: we want Kevin Garnett in net.

It's very cliche to ask, "What if our best athletes played soccer?" And this isn't like the time we suggested the AND1 Mixtape team represent us at the Olympics.

This could seriously work.

Doesn't looking at Kasey Keller just make you sick? "Old Man River" is like watching your dad play. With all the lineup changes going on right now, Garnett should immediately board a plane to Germany and get a crash course in goaltending. At least give it a chance, Bruce...

Just look at the comparison:

KASEY KELLER

Age: 36
Height: 6-2
Wingspan: Less than Garnett's
Telling Sign: Balding
Pre-Cup Quote: "We've come a long way in 15 years but we have a long way to go."

VS.

KEVIN GARNETT

Age: 30
Height: 6-11
Wingspan: 7 feet
Telling Sign: Blocked almost 1,500 shots in his NBA career
Pre-Cup Quote: "This is it. It's for all the marbles. I'm sitting in the house loading up the pump, I'm loading up the Uzis, I've got a couple of M-16s, couple of nines, couple of joints with some silencers on them, couple of grenades, got a missile launcher."

The quote would go over especially well with foreign countries right now...