The NBA regular season tips off tonight. It's hard to put in words how excited The Realests are. The NBA regular season is a time of magic and excitement, a time where all the questions and speculation during the offseason can finally be answered. A time where we can waste hundreds and hundreds of hours watching NBA League Pass - which is by far the best investment that a human being can make between the months of November and March.

Too cold to go outside?

Just turn on channel 407 and watch a mid-February matchup between the Grizzlies and the Timberwolves. Tired of watching Channel 35 (New York people know what we're talking about) at 1 in the morning? You can probably switch to League Pass and watch the tail end of a Lakers-Sonics game.

League Pass is just one of the things that we are excited about. Here are a few of the others. We'll be adding to these throughout the season:

1. The Curse of Reghi

Reghi (left): a loyal soldier til the end

The Cavs had an unbelievable season last year. Not only did LeBron take off to a level that few thought would be possible this early in his career, but the Cavs managed to give the Pistons a pretty spirited fight in the second round of the playoffs. But since their unceremonious exit in Game 7 on the floor of the Palace, it's tough to see what the Cavs have done to get that much better. Giving Big Z an extension only seems to tie them to an old player who is injury prone and virtually untradeable. Drafting Shannon Brown adds athleticism but it's going to take a steady point guard and some dead-eye shooting for them to grow as a team (along with some defense). And everyone seems to be touting a healthy Larry Hughes this season. The Realests respectfully point out that the Cavs didn't play all that well when Hughes was healthy last year and they really only hit their stride when he was out with injuries.

Finally, the biggest blow to the Cavs organization was the firing of Michael Reghi, their loyal play-by-play announcer on the local broadcast. Not only did they kick him to the curb in favor of a former Detroit announcer (Fred McLeod), but the timing of the decision left Reghi little time to find another announcing job. Reghi handled his dismissal with all the class and dignity that we've come to respect from him. Our hearts go out to him. Undoubtedly, he had tied his hopes and dreams to those of LeBron James and just as Flight 23 was getting ready to take off, the Cavs organization told Reghi to get the hell off the plane.

Shame on you Dan Gilbert. Shame on you.

2. Amare

Nothing funny to say here - we just want him to come back and merck people.

3. Fantasy Basketball

Please don't miss half the season with a bruised eyelash...

Never, ever, ever in my life have I cared more about Nene staying healthy all year. I also have never cared if Maurice Williams turns into a decent point guard for the Bucks. Fantasy basketball makes strange bedfellows. This year I'm hoping that Darko blows up and has the type of season that makes everyone very very afraid of him. I'm also cheering for Antoine Walker to make as many threes as possible. Even though I'm incredibly hyped about the season right now, there's a strong chance that I suck for the first month, make some ridiculous predictions, get bored, and trade my entire team for Viktor Khryapa.

4. Ricky Davis

That face says it all...

Will he or won't he punch Randy Foye in the face?

5. Normal Statistics

Fuck you John Hollinger. For the last 5 months all I've heard from baseball people is stats about RISP, OBP, quality starts, ERAs, slugging percentage. I don't understand what any of that stuff means! I don't care what it means! Here's what I understand: points, assists, blocks, rebounds, steals. Anything beyond that starts to really confuse me. So you can shove your Player Efficiency Ratings right up your ass John Hollinger.

Now, disregard that entire last paragraph. The Realests have invented a new statistic called....The Realest. Here's what The Realest is: basically, it's a rebound short of a triple double where the player attempts to achieve said missing rebound by shooting on his own hoop and grabbing the board. Only one player in history has pulled off a Realest. Leave a comment giving us the player's name and what team he attempted this amazing stunt against.

6. Inside the NBA on TNT

I could watch this show every minute of every day of my life. We hope that EJ is in good health this year - he did a damn good job last year given what he was going through. My personal favorite part of every show is when he introduces Magic, Kenny, and Charles and mentions that Magic and Kenny have championship rings and Barkley doesn't. I love that.

7. Kobe wearing number 24

Extreme Makeover: Jack Bauer Edition

Just a genius move by him. Do you think he was sitting at home one day, watching "WifeSwap" on FOX, thinking about how everyone in the world hates him when a commercial for 24 came on TV?? I can see the lightbulb going off in his head - "Everyone hates me, everyone loves Jack Bauer...." Kobe is a genius. I never really liked Kobe.

Now, I'm hoping that TNT wires him for a game and we hear him in a Laker's timeout in the 4th quarter of a close game screaming "DO YOU TRUST ME? DO YOU TRUST ME?!?!?" at a stunned Luke Walton.

7. The Detroit Pistons

This pictures makes me want to cry

Realests Note: You can expect a longer analysis of the Pistons once the season starts a little. Needless to say, my blood pressure rises everytime I read an NBA Preview that has dismissed the Pistons as a team on the decline or doesn't even pick them to get out of the first round. Until I get a chance to see this team play a little, I'm not gonna say anything substantive - I still believe that they'll make the conference finals though, and with a little luck can make the big show and win it. Regardless, I'm having some problems with the first sentence of my real Pistons preview. I think it's going to start with something like this: "First off fuck the Bulls and the clique you claim / Motown when we ride / Fuck LeBron James..." Oh, and I think I'm ending it with this line - "Fuck the Miami Heat as a staff, baskebtall team, and as a mother fucking crew. Fuck Shaq! Fuck Dwyane Wade! Fuck Antoine Walker (but please make a lot of 3 points in a losing effort)!"

For the first time in a while I think people don't really know what to say about this team. Coming into their championship year, people didn't really believe in them because they hadn't done anything big in the offseason to prove that they could get past the Nets. Even when they traded for 'Sheed, there was a lot of ambivalence about what they would do. The season after the championship, everyone assumed they would stick to team ball and pound the competition. Unfortunately, the 2004-2005 Pistons turned into the Lakers and acted like they didn't care about anything. Then in 2005-2006, everyone thought that the Pistons had learned their lesson about flipping the switch.

The good news is that they did learn that lesson. The bad news is that they turned the switch on and kept it on for about 78 games of the regular season and they had nothing left for the playoffs. So what happens this year? There haven't been a lot of solid prediction about the Pistons this year - most of the talk has been about the other teams. But now there is the backlash "don't forget about the Pistons talk." Well, here's my prediction...NBA Championship, fools!!!! Either that, or the season will be absolute chaos. Hopefully, it will be absolute chaos that leads to an NBA title.

Wallace x 1: Zone? Fuck Zone.


Tom Campion said...

Ricky Davis, Cavs vs. Jazz, 2003. "Ricky is the Realest" is the reason I read this blog and the best* article I read in Daily Sports during undergrad.

*most absurd, and therefore my favorite

amish said...

Why/how would anyone get tired of watching Channel 35?

Don't talk crazy.

Tom Campion said...

I retract my original comment. It was Bobby Sura as a Hawk against the Nets circa 2004.

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