REALEST OF THE WEEK: BILL O'REILLY???

If you missed it, Bill O'Reilly recently said he was baffled by the fact restaurants in Harlem were no different than other New York joints despite having... gasp... black people. O'Reilly was SHOCKED by the following:

"There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea!' "

This doesn't prove O'Reilly is racist - we already knew that. No. This proves he's a huge Snakes on a Plane fan! Role the muthafuckin' video:

DECISION '08

Here at The Realests we like to follow current events. We don't just care about sports, rap music, and celebrity gossip. We're also major political pundits. We've been on Fox News and the BBC multiple times as analysts that provide the "youth" perspective on several current affairs topics.

Well, we've kept our silence about the upcoming Presidential election...until now!

We figured that we would start with the candidates that are unlikely to get a lot of major press coverage. Major media is going to flood you with info about Obama, Clinton, and Giuliani. So, we're gonna start out with Dennis Kucinich.

There's only one reason to vote for Dennis Kucinich. And here it is:


To recap. Look at the picture above. Look at him. Look at her. Now, she's not amazingly hot, but still - look at him, then look at her. Then add in the fact that she is 1) European and 2) has a tongue ring. Now add in the fact that she worked with Mother Teresa, has worked as an advocate for regional development in Tanzania, and has a Master's in International Conflict Analysis. If THAT guy can get her, then there is nothing that can stop him from fixing Social Security, getting everyone health care, bringing peace to the Middle East, solving urban/rural poverty, fixing the education system, and stopping global warming. Oh, and I bet he does all that while getting brain in the Oval Office.

MONEY, POWER, RESPECT

As The Lox said, those are the only three things you need in this life.

We've had the money locked down since we signed up for Google Adsense. And now the power and respect is following closely behind.

It's about fuckin' time.

Yesterday was a monumental day for us at The Realests, as we got a unique shout out from Brian over at MGoBlog and, more importantly, were ranked among the Top 100 Most Influential Sports Blogs.

Aside from making the world a much realer place, what exactly is influential about our sports blog? Well that's easy. I mean, we're leading the league in at least 6 statistical categories right now: Best flow, most consistent, realest stories, most charisma, I set the most trends and my interviews are hotter (if you have no idea what we're talking about, click here).

Holla.

As for concerns that we're going to change now that we've hit it big, that's nonsense. Varun's doing suicide drills on the sidewalk right now. And as always, you can expect the same level of self-promotion and indulgence as before - if not more.

P.S. We're still ranked behind way too many dickriders that use the term "internets" in every other blog post.

VRABEL = STEROIDS

Come on. You have to be kidding me.

I have no problem with the Patriots steamrolling everyone in the league. It makes sense that Brady, Moss, their platoon of RBs, and their other WRs should beat the crap out of everyone. Those guys are all pretty sweet.

Who's got the syringe?

But Mike Vrabel? Graduate of the felonious Ohio State university? He has 9 career catches for 9 career TDs.

If I'm Roger Goodell, I'm getting all the drug sniffing dogs that I can find and I am carrying out a steroid probe that Vrabel's mother will feel.

THIS IS A BAD IDEA

Ok, fine. We'll grant you that the Celtics pulled off the coup of the summer by getting Kevin Garnett. But we're not completely on board with the idea of them winning the Eastern Conference yet. I mean, name a decent player that is ready to contribute right now on their team besides Garnett, Paul "Stabbed 9 Times, Got Up 10" Pierce, and Ray Allen. That's right...no one.

Anyway, the Celtics do have a certain Glen "Big Baby" Davis on their team. We've been a huge fan of him ever since he rocked the pink boa when LSU was twerking fools in the tourney a few years back.

But his recent blog entry shows that neither he nor the Celtics are serious about him getting in shape for the following season.


Apparently, the players forced him to a eat a full plate of octopus when in Rome. Now, I'm not a genius or a nutritionist, but I'd guess that forcing a big fella that already weighs 289 (yeah, right) to do this isn't a good idea. You shouldn't force him to eat anything!

Also, that's some pretty weak hazing. We're Michigan alums and we expect at least kidney failure whenever someone gets hazed. Either that or a BB gun to the nuts.

COMING SOON: HAYWOOD-THOMAS IV

Excellent work by Dan Steinberg of the DC Sports Bog speaking with Brendan Haywood about his hissy fits with Etan Thomas. Steiny refers to the post as "Brendan Haywood Speaks." We've dubbed it "The Vagina Monologue."

We've always wondered what actually takes place in a fight between a player labeled as soft and another that is a peace activist. Personally we think it's just a lot of hair pulling and bitch slapping (obviously Hay-maker doing the former and Etan the latter). But wouldn't that make for a great YouTube clip?

We love this game! Or is it, It's fan-tastic! Or is it, These guys are good! Oh fuck it...

MORE 'YE

I know, I know. Can I write about anything else other than Kanye West? No. Stop reading this blog if you have a problem with it. I'm sure you'll be thoroughly entertained by some other idiot blogger that says stupid shit like "Internets" or "Interwebs."

Kanye was the musical guest on the season premiere of SNL. Our number one problem with SNL is that they take a good idea and drive it into the ground by making the skits way too long, doing iterations of the same joke. Wait, on second thought, our number one problem with SNL is that it isn't funny.

But this skit is pretty good (even though it falls into the iteration-length problem), especially because Kanye is good enough to mock himself. This is why I think his outbursts aren't any sort of ill-meaning behavior, but are just him getting carried away:



Plus, the freestyle at the end of this song is pretty good/bad (that's the way The Realests like it):

BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK

We love the Wu around these parts. Along with DMX, they were the soundtrack for our high school experience. In fact, they perfectly epitomize the grimy lifestyle that Jim and I experienced in high school. "Enter the 36 Chambers" is basically my autobiography from the ages of 15-19 minus the guns, crack, shootouts, Supreme Mathematics (although I did take AP Calc), projects, food stamps, arrests, trips to juvie, and kung fu flicks.

Anyway, there's a large segment of hip hop bloggers that are really anticipating Raekwon The Chef's "Only Built for Cuban Linx 2." Not me. I have "Only Built For Cuban Linx" on my iPod and to tell you the truth, I get bored every time I try and listen to it (except for "Rainy Dayz," that song is gangster).

Wait....I take back everything I just said because I just saw this picture on the internet:


This post really does a great job of explaining the genius behind the picture. But, for those of you that are slow, let's break it down for you: HE'S COVERED IN COCAINE AND INVOLVED IN A DEADLY SHOOTOUT WHILE LAYING ON THE GROUND.

Whoever is behind the marketing for this album needs to be promoted/fired immediately. Was there even a budget? Doesn't this look like something that Jim and I would have done?

Let's hope they put a little more effort into 8 Diagrams.

JOHNNY SEARS HEADED TO UW?

Late word out of Seattle that former Michigan cornerback Johnny Sears might transfer to Washington. This could be a perfect fit since no one in the Pac-10 plays any defense (zing!).

We wish Johnny all the best with this second chance. Best of luck next season covering Patrick Turner, Jaison Williams and the like in 2008.

Hopefully one day he can end up being the same kind of great comeback story that Kelly Baraka has turned into...

HAPPY TRAILS TO WILLIE WILLIAMS

(Editor's Note: Quick shout out to Charles and Scott Bell. We're really glad the first thing that comes to mind when people hear about a Willie Williams story is, "e-mail The Realests.")

This day was inevitable as death. It still doesn't make this announcement any easier: Louisville LB and Realest extraordinaire Willie Williams has been kicked off the Louisville football team for smoking the reefer.

Once again, we're begging Lloyd Carr to open the door for Big Willy Style to come to Michigan - if for nothing else, just to spite Jim Harbaugh.

Hang in there big guy!

"WHERE ARE WE AT IN SOCIETY TODAY?!?!"

I feel like Mike Gundy after seeing "Kid Nation" last night.

If you haven't seen the controversial show, the premise is basically slavery for children. It's pure evil. More evil than "Temptation Island" and "Are You Hot" combined.

In last night's episode, children as young as 8 chopped off a live chicken's head. Don't want to sound like soccer moms, but that's fucking fucked up.


OK, we'll come down off our soapbox, but stay tuned, folks. There's much more exploitation to come, including four kids that accidentally drink bleach and a girl that burns her face with cooking grease.

Due to tightened child labor laws as a result of the show, there's even talk of it going overseas next season (no, seriously) where they'll be free to work in textile factories and iron smelts.

Yippee, hooray!!!

Here's Little Cletus to explain:

KANYE VS. 50 VS.... HEIDI?

If Kanye sold 957,000 in his first week and 50 sold 691,000, let's put the over/under on Heidi Montag's new album at 1.2 million. You can double that figure if it includes a bonus DVD of her birthday bash (below).

We haven't seen lip-syncing this bad since, well, the VMAs. Gotta love Spencer Pratt "raising the roof" and trying to hype up Perez Hilton in the background to no avail, as Perez still gives the "puke" signal at the end.

O.J. SIMPSON IS NON-STOP COMEDY

Two O.J. jokes in the last three days were so funny they left me gasping for air.

#1: This post on The Superficial with the title: "O.J. Simpson is a creature of habit - and murder, don't forget murder"

#2: Conan O'Brien on tonight's show: "Apparently, O.J. Simpson has a DVD coming out called Juiced in which he pulls pranks on people like the show Punk'd. His favorite prank? To jump out and murder people."

It just never gets old.

REALESTS: TEN WORST FOOTBALL COACHES

People always talk about how bad football coaches have it these days. Psychotic fans setting up web sites calling for their heads. Getting criticized around the clock with the “24-hour news cycle.”

Well riddle me this: How come there are still so many bad ones? Inspired by the Chargers’ complete meltdown in Green Bay on Sunday, we count down the 10 worst football coaches in DI-A and the NFL:

10. Jim Harbaugh
Team: Stanford Cardinal
Career Record: 30-8 (includes record from coaching at San Diego)
Why? Cuz we said so! OK, so maybe he doesn’t deserve to be on this list. But we really enjoyed seeing Stanford score 28 unanswered points against Oregon just to get blown out in the end.

9. Tom Coughlin
Team: New York Giants
Career Record: 97-89
The Giants have tuned out Coughlin since the midway point of last season. After losing 7 of their last 9 games in 2006, the Giants started out the ’07 campaign by giving up 80 points in two crushing defeats. Don’t be fooled by Washington’s collapse on Sunday, Coughlin will be gone at season’s end.

8. Karl Dorrell
Team: UCLA Bruins
Career Record: 29-20
This guy just won’t go away. After going sub-.500 in his first two seasons, a 10-2 record in 2005 saved his job. Last season he saved it again by beating No. 1 USC, only to follow it up by laying an egg in the Emerald Bowl against Florida State. After a 44-6 loss to Utah, look for the Bruins to get hammered in the Pac-10 this season.

7. Brent Guy
Team: Utah State Aggies
Career Record: 4-23
Even the Utah State SID can barely put a positive spin on this “guy:”: While the first-year record of 3-8 in 2005 and the year two mark of 1-11 in 2006 may not seem like an improvement, the level of play and quality of athletes showed signs of being “Better Than Before.” Yikes. Is that the best you can do? After an 0-4 start this year, the PR machine better be in full effect.

6. Pat Fitzgerald
Team: Northwestern Wildcats
Career Record: 6-11
Giving the job to a 31-year old was absolutely ludicrous. Now in his second season, Fitzgerald is clearly in way over his head after falling to Duke and trailing Ohio State 45-0 at the half. Of anyone on this list, Fitzgerald deserves the biggest break considering the circumstances he took over the team. But don’t expect Purple Power in Pasadena anytime soon.

5. Herm Edwards
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Career Record: 50-53
We love how Herm jumped ship with the New York Jets for greener pastures, when he probably would’ve been fired at this point anyway. A “players’ coach,” the guy looked like a complete pushover on HBO’s Hard Knocks. And just three games in, Larry Johnson has already turned on him after picking up just 150 yards total. Does anyone notice the Chiefs have scored 26 points all season? Pathetic. Hey Herm, why do we play the game?



4. Butch Jones
Team: Central Michigan Chippewas
Career Record: 1-3
Granted, following in the footsteps of Brian Kelly ain’t nothing nice. That guy will be coaching a major program soon. But taking a team that won the MAC Championship with record-setting quarterback Dan LeFevour and getting hammered 44-14 last weekend to North Dakota State at home? That’s inexcusable. Right now, Jones looks like the Norv Turner of college football.

3. Greg Robinson
Team: Syracuse Orange
Career Record: 6-21
For the love of Paul Pasqualoni! That guy was bad, this guy is a disaster. We have no idea how Robinson pulled the Louisville victory out of his ass. In their first three games, the ‘Cuse was outscored 32-118 to Washington, Iowa and Illinois. Let’s hope last week’s win sparks a miraculous turnaround because we’re still pulling for our boy, Max Miesel.

2. Dave Wannstedt
Team: Pitt Panthers
Career Record: 95-98
It seems like an old NFL coach just has to show up to be successful in college. Even Al Groh is 3-1! But despite top-flight recruiting classes every year, Wannstedt finds ways to lose. The Panthers lost their last 5 games in 2006 and are 2-2 this year after getting hammered by UConn, 34-14. Hey, maybe if Big Dave drops down to high school he’ll be successful? We hear there’s an opening at Hoover High.

1. Norv Turner
Team: San Diego Chargers
Career Record: 59-84-1
This man is a curse. People like Troy Aikman can make all the excuses they want for Norv (i.e. even Gibbs can’t win in Washington, no one can win in Oakland), but destroying a Super Bowl contender in 3 weeks? That’s just mind-boggling. Even with four guaranteed wins over the Raiders and Chiefs, it will be a miracle if the Chargers make the playoffs.


Dishonorable Mention:
- Charlie Weis (Notre Dame) – Outscored 27-133 in first 4 games.
- Joe Paterno (Penn State) – Nine straight losses to Lloyd. 'Nuff said.
- Bobby Bowden (Florida State) – Daggumit!
- Al Groh (Virginia) – A very deceiving 3-1. Put up 3 points at Wyoming.
- Mike Stoops (Arizona) – Time to head back to Norman.
- Scott Linehan (Rams) – Where’d the offense go?
- Brad Childress (Vikings) – Tarvaris Jackson: QB of the future? Bad idea.

(Update: Keep in mind these are only current coaches. Obviously John L. Smith would be #1 otherwise.

We firmly stand by Paterno and Bowden on this list. They WERE great coaches but come on: Paterno's had 4 losing seasons since 2000 and Bowden's teams get worse every year.

As for Franchione, he's one more performance like last week's away from this list. Kragthorpe too.)

REALESTS GUARANTEE: LES HEADED HOME

We're going to just go ahead and clear this whole mess up: Les Miles will be Michigan's head coach on Aug. 30, 2008 for the opener against Utah (someone get on the 338 days countdown clock).

Go write it down, this is a guarantee (we're talking a Mike Hart guarantee, not some flimsy Rasheed Wallace guarantee).

Here's 10 reasons why (Editor's note: This play should be one of the reasons alone but alas, it is not):

Reason #1: Lloyd Carr will retire despite finishing the season strong. We don't know if Michigan is going to win the Big 10, but it's certainly between us, Wisconsin and Ohio State. Even if we manage to finish 2nd, Carr will look at this year as a huge success and go out saying that he's never been prouder of a group of players. And let's face it: Carr is 62, going on about 80. Seeing him speak at a press conference is painful. We don't know if the rampant rumors of his health decline are true, but either way, he looks exhausted.

Reason #2: There is no one else. Still not convinced Miles is a great game coach? Neither are we. Too bad. Name one person even qualified for the job with Michigan connections. Jim Harbaugh's been ostrocized. Panthers defensive coordinator Mike Trgovac has been in the NFL for 10 years. Some people are holding out hope Michigan will be crazy enough to go outside the program. That will never happen. Even if it did, who's available? Rich Rodriguez? Jeff Tedford? Hey, what about Rich Brooks or Brian Kelly? Or - dare I say it - Bill Cowher! Get real, people.

Reason #3: People outside of Ann Arbor have no clue the loyalty Michigan Men have to their school (except for Jim Harbaugh of course, who will throw UM under the bus at any given moment). To any former UM player, the Michigan coaching job is considered holy. Not to sensationalize the death of Bo, but now more than ever, Miles must feel like it's his destiny to come home.

Reason #4: The talk of a $1.25 million buyout stopping this deal is absurd. We just paid double that for John Beilein who a) coaches basketball, which no one cares about b) has great credentials that will pale in comparison to Miles by the end of this season and c) has no Michigan connection. The money will just have to come out of "Dollar" Bill Martin's slush fund for his latest real estate project.

Reason #5: Speaking of Bill Martin, he knows his legacy depends on this hire. It’s just so easy to make fun of Bill Martin. The real estate mogul can’t stopping drilling in Ann Arbor while each of the major sports slump. And he’s already been widely criticized for hiring Tommy Amaker and Cheryl Burnett (granted, Rich Maloney was an absolute steal). Bill might as well hand Les a blank check. Despite coming across as a blow hard, he can be a real charmer when he gets you one-on-one. Ask anyone except Lloyd Carr: Coaches LOVE him.

Reason #6: Michigan-Ohio State is the greatest rivalry in sports - Period. People keep saying Miles should stay at LSU because "there's no Ohio State." That's outrageous. Ohio State is part of what makes Michigan one of, if not the greatest coaching job in America. You don't think it drives Miles crazy he went 0-3-1 against the Buckeyes during his time here? You don't think he's dying for a chance to be apart of THE GAME. LSU doesn't even have a clear cut arch-rival.

Reason #7: No one in the mainstream media will say this, but it's a cold, hard fact: Baton Rouge is a dump. Have you ever been to Louisiana? We have. It's a cesspool. There's a dirty little secret about the South: It's extremely poor, backward and racist (OK, the last one isn't a secret). Not exactly the place you'd want to raise your kids. We're a little biased, but name a better college town in America than Ann Arbor, Michigan. Just compare The Arb to LSU's version, Cypress Swamp (pictured). Breath-taking, isn't it?

Reason #8: Jim Tressel - that's right, Jim Tressel. Tressel came to Ohio State in a very similar situation and with a 5-1 record over Michigan and one national title, and is now a demigod in Columbus. As a Cbus native, I know Tressel has already had to move once to ensure more privacy because of all the Bucknuts honking past his house and knocking on the door. Not that Miles wouldn't be worshiped in Louisiana, but the idea of "resurrecting" his old program is just too tempting. Just like Tressel is becoming the next Woody, Miles could be the next Bo.

Reason #9: Playing for national championships. We doubt this would factor into his decision, but the Michigan job is also better than LSU’s because you have a better chance of playing for the national championship. At Michigan, you have to survive one tough nonconference game (Notre Dame or other), one tough Big Ten game (Iowa, Wisconsin or Penn State) and THE GAME. With Nick Saban added to the mix, the SEC is an absolute bloodbath with competitors like Florida, Tennessee, Auburn, Alabama, Georgia and Arkansas. And then there’s the SEC Championship Game. Like Ohio State has proven, a Big 10 power can play for the national title every 5 years. You can’t say that about the SEC.

Reason #10: Miles' wife, Kathy, will get the hook-up. A former UM women's basketball coach, no doubt she'd love to get involved in the athletic department while she's at Michigan. Bill Martin would surely be happy to oblige, just like Dr. Stephanie Pinder-Amaker just-so-happened to become the Associate Dean of Students at Michigan during Tommy's tenure.


Now there's some food for thought - you do the dishes.

MICHIGAN AND THE TRANSITIVE THEORY

Not to rain on everyone's parade after beating Penn State, but Appalachian State's loss to Wofford just came across the Bottom Line. Let's just do some quick math here:

Appalachian State 34, Michigan 32
Wofford 42, Appalachian State 31
N.C. State 38, Wofford 17

We can't count that high, but does that mean we're worse than N.C. State? Oh yeah, that should pretty much cement Sept. 1 as the greatest upset in the history of college football.

ABC STEALS FROM THE REALESTS

We'd just like to point out that ABC COMPLETELY jacked info for an Aflac trivia question we posted nearly a year ago without any mention of The Realests.

We let it slide when Mike & The Mad Dog jacked this gem before Super Bowl XLI, but this is absolutely preposterous!

As for Aflac - screw 'em. Any Aflac customer that is a true Realests reader will cancel their life insurance immediately.

Die duck, die.

IS TOMMY AMAKER THE SECOND COMING?

We've got a feeling the Harvard basketball team is going to be the butt of many jokes this season. Call it a hunch.

GoCrimson.com is making The Michigan of the East an easier target with this Jesus-like photo of Tommy Amaker on its men's basketball page promoting Harvard's Coaches Clinic.

That's right, folks: For just $65 a person, you can learn the "Fist Defense" and the "Swirly Finger Offense" from the man himself! Hurry up and buy!

We're calling the Harvard Athletic Department first thing Monday to see if we can get a packaged deal for the clinic (Oct. 28) and Michigan game (Dec. 1). See you in Boston, fools.

IS TINA FEY HOT??

I have to ask that question every time something about 30 Rock comes on television. We're split on the answer right now (I think humor and personality make a woman more attractive, but Jim looks only at boobs and rear ends - but, she's got a cute face, right?), but there is one thing that is clear: 30 Rock is funny. And Tracy Morgan is the reason why it's funny. In honor of 30 Rock winning the Emmy for Best Comedy and more in honor of Tracy Morgan bitchslapping Jimmy Fallon, here's a great compilation of Tracy Morgan's moments from 30 Rock (unfortunately it doesn't have either the cornbread line or the mentor-manatee line):



If you didn't laugh at that, you're an idiot.

But I do partially disagree with what Morgan said about Fallon. Here's a skit where Fallon's cracking up from the get go, but it's still hilarious. It probably has more to do with Debbie Downer being hilarious.

THE COUGAR SPEAKS

What, you thought this story would go away?

The Daily Cougar came up with a clutch interview of the Houston mascot that got pummeled a couple weeks back by the Oregon Duck. As if he wasn't going to get enough shit, it turns out Matt Stolt is actually a walk-on receiver on the UH football team.

Yikes.

Says Stolt: "I mean, to be on a football team, which is considered a manly sport, and to see videos of me getting beat up by a duck, of course it's going to be a little embarrassing."

We guess his teammates can't laugh too hard since they did get their own ass beat, 48-27. But at least their opponent wasn't wearing a Donald Duck costume.

Even better?

His quote about last week's game against Tulane: "To tell the truth, the Tulane mascot came out for the first part of the game and disappeared [after that]. He might have been scared..."

Scared? Of you? That's going straight on Riptide's bulletin board for basketball season...