6.28.2007

BLOGGING POETIC ON THE 2007 DRAFT

(Editor's note: For all the people typing in "Marco Belinelli girlfriend pictures" into Google to get some images for the spank bank, we don't have any you perverts! And by that we mean we've looked everywhere too...)

It's time for the 2007 NBA Draft y'all! Stephen A. and Dickie V. are already screaming at us. It should be a great night.:

Pregame Show:

Normal pregame fare to start out. Very disappointing that the ESPN experts are telling us that there won't be a KG trade tonight because Hawks management is a bunch of cooters. Otherwise, nothing major to report from the pregame show. There were a few shots of Al Horford talking to Joakim Noah, Greg Oden hugging his grandkids, and Kevin Durant's mom wiping some crumbs from his face.

Dickie V just stopped by to tell us that Oden was equal parts Olajuwon-Robinson-Ewing-Duncan-Parks. That's right, Cherokee Parks. Anyway, we've decided to pitch a daily talk show on ESPN hosted by Dickie V and Steven A. The gimmick? They have to use their normal voices but can't talk about sports. Hey, it may not be the best idea in the world, but its better than Cold Pizza/First Take.

We are calling out the biggest busts in the draft before this thing gets started: Brandan Wright (UNC), Spencer Hawes (Washington) and Sean Williams (BC). And you can quote us on that.

Holy shit, Joakim Noah! I haven't seen that ridiculous a bow tie since the Mad Hatter. Man this guy is annoying us already.

Great reaction from Yi Jianlian right now: "Hey, they just said my name!" This guy is going to be a fun interview.

Nothing says the NBA like the All-American Rejects (and we said that first Sports Guy!)

Late rumor from the Bay Area along with the KG talk: Chris Mullin is selling off everything for an All-Chinese lineup of Yao, Yi, Wang Zhi Zhi, Sun Ming Ming...and David Lee.We'll keep you posted.

Actual Draft:

7:34 - ESPN cuts to a shot of the Blazers war room. You'd think that the room would be full of excitement. But it looks like Kevin Pritchard is asleep and everyone else is playing Snood on their computers. Looks like they've made up their mind already.

7:36 - The Blazers pick...Greg Oden. We hope he stays healthy because if he's not and he has to retire soon, the Blazers are going to have to pay him a pension. Because he's old. Get it?

7:39 - Steven A. says that you can't teach "7 feet tall." That's true.

7:41 - Our first trade! The Sports Guy's head is going to explode over this one. Seattle gets the#5 (plus West and someone worthless) and Boston gets Ray Allen. Yikes. The Celtics are idiots.

7:42 - Sonics select Durant. Stern should have just announced the Sonics pick at the same time as the Blazers pick. Would have saved us all a few minutes. Actually, this is a great idea. Maybe the commissioner should just jack the Hawks and the Celtics picks and make them instead of allowing Billy Knight and Danny Ainge to screw it up.

7:44 - With the two top picks ending up in the Pacific Northwest, NBA League pass is looking like a great investment this year.

7:46 - Stuart Scott just announces that Durant has a crush on Beyonce. Is this going to bring Hov out of retirement? Will he clap at Durant? Would Hov put the brakes on a Durant to the Nets move sometime down the line because he's afraid of losing Beyonce? Intrigue all around.

7:48 - The Atlanta Haws select Brent Petway! They loved the fact that he was the hometown kid.

7:49 - Actually, the Hawks select Al Horford. The logo on the Hawks hats looks idiotic.

7:50 - Wave that flag, Tito!!! Wonder if Al Horford knows how to say "60-loss season" in Portuguese.

7:53 - Mike Conley goes to the Grizz. Ohio State 2, Michigan 0. But we have more players overseas.

7:54 - Stu Scott's interview questions have been entirely too serious so far. Ask the questions that we want to know the answers to Stu! Ask them what they say to a player when they see him on the street! Ask them how fresh the funk is!

7:56 - Mike Conley, Sr. just said that he "officially" became Mike Conley, Jr.'s two years ago. So, was the paternity in question? Or did Conley, Sr. jump in the picture because he started to smell that NBA money???? Conspiracy!

7:58 - Jeff Green goes... somewhere. Yi Jianlian looks furious and is using this as fuel next season. Hopefully the interpreter has already taught him how to say, "China has a VEWY long memowy!"

8:01 - Mikki Moore sighting! We are sending our YouTube video to the NBDL immediately.

8:03 - Yi Jianlian to the Bucks. Breaking news: George W. Bush just announced we launched a pre-emptive strike on Beijing. Has anyone looked more depressed for being drafted 6th overall? We need Jack Bauer on this NOW. The Bucks are putting together a decent squad - Redd, Villanueva, Bogut, and Yi. We hope it was worth it Milwaukee. You started a war just to get a good power forward.

8:07 - Apparently, Yi has been on the red carpet at several Hollywood movie premieres. This means that he'll be perfectly ready for the NBA. Maybe not...

8:09 - Does it make sense to "call the bluff" of the guy you are drafting? Doesn't anyone remember Steve Francis forcing the trade from the Grizzlies?! Also, Larry Harris never saw Yi play in person! The Sports Guy is going to have a field day with this.

8:11 - It's official: Corey Brewer is in, Ricky Davis is out. This is a sad day for The Realests. Dickie V. is talking about Eva Longoria - what the hell is going on?

8:17 - What will the Bobcats do as an encore to Adam Morrison last year? Brandan Wright! We are DEFINITELY breaking out the bust card right now. I thought the Charlotte Tar Heels wanted someone NBA-ready...

8:21 - Here's a friendly tip. Don't draft a kid still wearing braces. What's with that hideous hat?

8:25 - And Joakim finally gets drafted. Imagine if the Bulls land Anderson Varejao - would there be a better lineup of hair in the history of the league? We just heard "high motor" for the 24th time tonight. What is with that mug shot???

8:28 - "What does wow mean?" Great question, Stu. Stu makes fun of Tirico for not being able to use shampoo. We decide Tirico needs to come back with a quip about contact lenses.

8:32 - The Sacramento Kings pick...the girl from Halftime. We're ashamed at ourselves for making the easy joke. Actually, they take Spencer Hawes. Uninspired pick, but maybe he'll turn into the next Brad Miller. Imagine Brad Miller and the next Brad Miller playing on the same team. Either way, Ron Artest is going to punch him in the face by the second day of training camp.

8:35 - Stu claps at NBA players for not caring about politics.

8:37 - Steven A. claps at the Bulls for taking Joakim Noah. He thinks the Bulls will have too much energy. Then he lists every player on the Bulls roster. Unsurprisingly, Steven A. fails to make a coherent point.

8:37 - It's clear that Bilas is afraid to openly disagree with Steven A. because he's afraid that it might come to blows. He doesn't realize that Steven A. is so tired from yelling that he wouldn't even be able to throw a good punch.

8:38 - Hawks take Acie Law IV. Damn it! Really wanted him to be available for the Pistons. Acie gives a very uncomfortable thumbs up when he's shaking Stern's hand.

8:40 - So wait, Acie Law can't defend and he can't shoot - but he's smart? Gee, sounds like a future Hall of Famer, Jay Bilas.

8:41 - Mark Jackson claps at midgets. Totally uncalled for.

8:42 - We can't stand seeing the new Hawks logo anymore. Where is the Pacman jersey?!

8:43 - And Stephen A. Smith just called Acie Law "Acie Earl." Time to re-up on the speed Stephen A.!

8:44 - Once again, we find Sal Paolantonio in Philadelphia. What's the deal with that? Speaking of disgusting new uniforms, what's up with the "Phila" jerseys. Why don't they just dub themselves, "The Thrilla in Phila"?

8:46 - Stephen A. calls the Thaddeus Young pick. God help us all. Here comes 5 minutes of screaming.

8:50 - Is the world ready to handle "Rome is Burning" and "The Bronx is Burning' at the same time? Doubtful.

8:51 - This Billy Knight interview explains a lot about the Hawks.

8:56 - Stu Scott claps at Mehmet Okur. The Turkish Army might be paying the Scott residence a visit tonight. Julian Wright, while he seems like a really nice guy, says that Stephen A. is one of his favorite analysts.

8:59 - The Clippers take Al Thornton with their pick. This means that Nick Young/Rodney Stuckey are available for the Pistons to take. Good news.

9:04 - THE FUTURE IS NOW!!!! RODNEY STUCKEY!!! This is exactly what we needed. Bilas says he's a poor man's Dwyane Wade. We'll take that.

9:10 - The Wiz take Nick Young. He tries to hug his mom and his mom waves him off. Yikes. There's a mysterious guy that everyone is high fiving on their way to the stage. He always has his back to the camera. We think it's William Wesley.

9:12 - The Nets are on the clock. In a surprise move they've decided to give up the pick because they believe that Mikki Moore needs more room to grow.

9:13 - ESPN has a grudge against Nick Young and is purposely making his mic drop out. Stu leans in so that Young can speak into his mic. Nice effort but it looks like Stu is hitting on him. Also, Stu ruins the ending of the Nick Young documentary. I'll ruin the end of the Stu Scott documentary: He's an idiot. Surprised?

9:15 - Knicks trade for Randolph! Great move. Beastly front line. Let's just hope that Steve Francis doesn't corrupt Greg Oden. Stephen A. is losing his mind! This is the most exciting moment in NBA history! Do you believe in miracles?!?!?! This just in from MSG - we hear that the Knicks are going to draft Glen "Big Baby" Davis. This means that they will have two forwards that look like gigantic 7 feet tall babies.

9:16 - The Nets pick Sean Williams. They clearly lost their composure after Isaiah Thomas' excellent gamesmanship move in announcing the Randolph trade when the Nets were on the clock.

9:18 - Is anyone going to mention the fact that everyone in the NBA takes bong rips before games? Our problem is that Sean Williams has ZERO offensive game.

9:20 - Warriors, come out and play! The draft is a huge crap shoot right now. Dickie V. is just waiting for McRoberts to go off the board so he can talk about the Dukies...

9:23 - Marco Belinelli with a babefest for a girlfriend! A combination of Vinny Del Negro and Brent Barry? Is that a compliment?

9:25 - Jim Gray is all over the Lakers' jock. We just discovered Dr. Jerry Buss got his Ph. D in physical chemistry. Does that mean he is a doctor of doing it?

9:27 - Stephen A.'s eyes just popped out of his head talking about Phil Jackson. There is chaos on the ESPN set.

9:30 - Javaris Crittenton? I'm sure that will make Kobe happy. Steven A. and Dickie V. are talking to each other. No, wait: they are yelling at each other. And the universe couldn't handle it. The combination of the two of them talking at the same time caused a stitch in time and we were transported backward not once, but twice!!! What is going on?!?! Maybe our talk show is a bad idea.

9:36 - Miami takes Jason Smith. This guy sucks. Little Bird is predicting a Dwyane Wade trade demand in 3 years.

9:38 - The Randolph trade is finalized. On paper this team is great. In real life....

9:39 - Jim Gray is out for blood. After Mitch Kupchak dances around the Kobe trade rumors, Gray looks Mitch straight in the eye and asks, "Did Kobe do it?"

9:41 - This is officially the longest post in our blog's history. It's also pretty funny. If you don't feel that way after reading it, just imagine sitting in our living room with us when we were writing it. Then you'll realize how funny it is.

9:41 - Ohio State 3, Michigan 0. Turns out Cook is going to end up with the Heat instead of the Sixers. Whatever. Dwyane Wade's demanding out in 2 years.

9:43 - Rod Thorn got worked in this draft. He looks like a shell of a man. ESPN is running Smoke Weed highlights - he looks like a slimmer David Banner. You heard it here first. Jim also thinks that the Nets should have drafted Marcus Williams so that they could play two Marcus Williamses. You can't buy that kind of draft analysis folks.

9:47 - How many power forwards to the Bobcats need? Sean May, Brandan Wright & Jared Dudley?! Of course Dickie V. comes flying in to defend the senior. The Knicks are on the clock, folks!

9:50 - Spike Lee just complimented Shannon Frye. What's up with this black-on-black crime? Spike says they're taking "the brotha from DePaul." Priceless.

9:52 - The Knicks take Wilson Chandler. Very uneventful. David Lee is blowing bubbles in the corner.

9:54 - Wilson Chandler busts out "If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere." I comment on how genius it is to be quoting Puff Daddy. Varun says Frank Sinatra introduced the line. Yeah right.

9:58 - The Blazers bought the 24th pick from the Suns. You can do that?! How much could the Blazers have sold the #1 pick for? Why didn't Mark Cuban offer $200 million for it? Cheapskate.

10:00 - At this point, we're predicting a Blazers-Knicks finals. ABC is already getting read the "Revenge of Randolph" promos.

10:02 - This just in: China has mobilized its troops and is planning an invasion of Milwaukee to extract Yi. This could get ugly. George W. Bush just put in the call to Kiefer Sutherland. The Beijing Summer Olympics just got a whole lot more competitive.

10:04 - Little Bird mocks Jim for the Cavs not having Boozer. Jim ignores him.

10:05 - Dave is pushing for the Josh McRoberts pick by the Jazz. I personally think McRoberts would be a fish out of water in Utah. But that's just me.

10:05 - Almond Joy. The Jazz take Morris Almond. Little Bird is upset. He wanted the Knicks to make this pick. Dave is devastated that McRoberts is still on the board. He wanted more for the kid. He's one of those rare "low risk, low reward" players. Those guys come around once in a lifetime.

10:06 - Do you think the Yi/Yao debate has split the Chinese population apart?

10:07 - Jim finally contributes to the conversation by noticing the steal of the draft: Dan Dickau to the Knicks. Dickau is an assassin. Remember the night where he shot 12 3's in the fourth quarter of a come back win? No? Oh wait, that was in a video game. Charles should remember. He snuck out of the back door of our house, cloaked in shame.

10:11 - More confidential information passed along to The Realests. This time, it's from the Pentagon. Senator Herb Kohl, the owner of the Bucks, has just declared Yi an enemy combatant and sent him to Guantanamo. He'll tear up the prison league.

10:12 - If the Pistons draft Josh McRoberts, we should be demoted to the NBDL.

10:19 - Aaron Afflalo! This is great. Very happy. Joe D did it this year.

10:25 - The Spurs take another foreign player. They love foreign players. We're tired of people calling Tim Duncan foreign. It's absurd.

10:31 - Suns take Alando Tucker. The NY Times said that he is the sleeper of the draft.

10:33 - Dickie V will not stop talking about Randolph and Williams getting in trouble in NYC. From his performance tonight we can conclude that Dickie V 1) hates Randolph, 2) hates Williams, 3) hates NYC, 4) hates Stephen A. and 5) loves Duke.

10:35 - Sorry the posts have been a little low quality for the last few minutes. I had to take Jim's pulse to see if he's still alive. The kid started out with a lot of passion tonight but then fizzled out...fast.

10:37 - Next year we're going to the draft to heckle the commissioner. He'll respect The Realests.

10:38 - The Sixers end the first round by picking the Finnish dude. He brought a lot fellow Fins with him. Oh, and here's a surprise: Jay Bilas says that he loves Koponen but interestingly enough, hates every aspect of his game. At least the kid looks excited to play in America. And the Finnish contingent looks amped up. If China decides to invade, we know that the Fins will have our back.

18 comments:

Eddie said...

2 words: prima obra.

Anonymous said...

Nikoloz Tskitishvili said "What's up fools? Sorry I can't make it, I'm too busy rolling around in my money."

Doctor Dribbles said...

It's too bad the Knicks missed out on Glen Davis--between him, Z-Bo, and a trade to get Eric Snow, MSG would have looked like a playpen.

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