KEVIN BORSETH: THE NEW MIKE GUNDY

OK, let's start off by saying this is going to be an INTERNET MONSTER on the level of Mike Gundy. Expect to see it absolutely everywhere over the next week and included in any montage for biggest coaching meltdowns.

Second, it was only a matter of time until someone forced to watch Michigan women's hoops went crazy.

As for Borseth himself. Wow. Talk about starting your press conference with a bang! Well, at least the Michigan women's basketball team will get some pub now. Albeit, for Borseth making a complete mockery of himself... but still:

THIS ISN'T MAGIC!

From the man that stood on a pillar, buried himself alive and almost drowned himself comes.... STAYING AWAKE FOR 13 DAYS!

Taking place in Central Park either this summer or fall, we can already picture it now: Blaine about to dose off with cameras all around him and Stu Scott screaming "Boo ya!" into his face. Actually, this could be sheer genius.

But let's just stop calling these things magic tricks and call them what they truly are: Desperate cries for attention. I mean how much sleep do you think bums get in Central Park during the winter time? I'd say not much.

Come on David. As 311 would say: All entertainers come original.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

This is Billy Badger of Fulham FC. He's just so limber!

BILLY WAGNER IS A WHINY BITCH

Those crazy 'M' Niners! Not only did they tie the New York Mets - coming one out away from a 4-2 win - they also pissed off Billy Wagner in the process:

Forget the Phillies. Billy Wagner nearly started a beanball war with the University of Michigan after one overzealous Wolverine tried to bunt on him in the fourth inning. With a runner on second and one out, centerfielder Kevin Cislo pushed his bunt foul.

Wagner, clearly annoyed, shook his head a number of times, and Cislo wisely swung away, grounding out. Wagner said he couldn't believe that Cislo, a junior, bunted.

"If he got that bunt down, I would have drilled the next guy," Wagner said. "Play to win against Villanova."

Asked about Wagner's reaction, manager Willie Randolph laughed.

"He couldn't bring himself to drill the kid," Randolph said. " Nolan Ryan might have. Nolan or Roger [Clemens] may have done it, kid or not."

Cry me a fuckin' river Wagner! Just cuz you played a huge role in the greatest meltdown in baseball history, don't take it out on Rich Maloney and Kevin Cislo.

And as for Willie Randolph, the shred of respectability left after your Subway ads with Joe Torre is now gone. An over-the-hill 36-year-old hack punching a college kid for bunting? That's assault, brotha! Although how sweet would it have been if there was a full-on brawl between the two?

Note to Mets: If you don't like it, maybe you should play other Major League teams! Unbelievable.

The Realests are calling on all Michigan alums in Major League Baseball (OK, so there's like 3) to throw straight for Wagner's noggin' the next time they face Billy Boy.

Rich Hill, we're looking at you here...

FAKEST OF THE WEEK

(Editor's Note: Man, bet you're wondering why didn't we think of changing Unrealest of the Week to Fakest of the Week earlier? Because we're dopes. That's why.)

We know this happened over the weekend but somebody needs to come out and say it: Kobe Bryan't ejection from the Sonics game was the most contrived, pathetic, insincere effort at #24 trying to be a leader we've ever seen.

The guy is a complete fougaisie and here are five examples to prove it:

T-5. Changing from #8 to #24 for a fresh start - who is this guy, Puff Daddy?

T-5. Giving himself the nickname Black Mamba. Again: who is this guy, Puff Daddy?

4. Paying tribute to his wife, Vanessa, by getting tattoes... huh? I mean a $4 million ring, at least she can sell that shit off.

3. Jocking M.J.'s style on everything from giving interviews to chewing gum.

2. Holding back tears, holding his wife's hand and mumblin' "I'm innocent" to himself at press conference following sexual assault charges.

1. Kobe "wilin' out" on ref Brian Forte:

WHO ATE EMINEM?

Maybe we're just too old for this shit, but it's really hard to listen to rap right now. You turn on BET and you're either hit with "Yah Trick Yah!" or the latest garbage from Hurricane Chris.

As noted earlier, Nas could be losing his marbles. And Jay-Z's latest stuff? Don't get us started.

So we figured we'd check in on Eminem's supposed upcoming release this year, King Mathers, which we've been skeptical about all along. I mean, we've been waiting on Chinese Democracy for almost 20 years now.

(There should really be a line in Vegas on which will come first: the Guns 'N Roses album or an actual Chinese Democracy... now that we think of it, is this Axl Rose's silent protest?).

Judging from the picture below, we aren't optimistic: It looks like Eminem has "pulled a Janet."

I mean, how can Em be expected to put out a good album when he can't even fit inside the damn studio? Snap!

THIS JUST IN: PETWAY CAN DUNK

We knew he won the NBDL Dunk Contest, but daaaaaaaaaaaaamn:


Come on Dwight, be a man and accept this challenge!

ODE TO WOJO

Rehashing one of my greatest sports moments of all-time, I came across this video of current Duke assistant Steve Wojciechowski having an epileptic seizure on the court of the 1998 Elite 8.

And people wonder why we hate Duke and Billy Packer?

This is an absolute classic. If you think Mike Patrick overreacted during the Greg Paulus-Florida State shenanigans, you gotta love Packer basically accusing Jamaal Magloire of attempted murder.

Especially when the replay shows Wojo was flopping like a fish out of water and then. Then, a minute after acting like he broke his arm in 10 places, Wojo's back up and clapping. Instead of pondering this medical miracle, Jimmy and Billy praise him again for his toughness. Unreal.



By the way, we're now less than a month away from March Madness. Get hyped.

C.T.'S GREATEST HITS

Chris Tamburello - better known as C.T. - is our favorite Real Worlder ever. He's like the "frat older brother who sexually degraded and beat the shit out of me all the time" that we never had. Oh yeah, and he looks like a freakin' Calvin Klein model! (Relax Dizzle, we're mocking another person on the show.)

To honor his greatest moments of Real World/Challenge history, we count down C.T.'s greatest hits. Enjoy.

5. Any questions?



4. "I'll break ya neck!" - C.T. screaming at Wes after losing to Brad and crying like a baby in The Duel.

3. "Why'd I leave the house? Because I'm a threat to society." - C.T. after getting booted from The Inferno III for jacking Davis in the face.

2. "When I'ma get mine?" - C.T. to Diem in Episode 1 of The Gauntlet III. We still have no idea what the hell he was talking about.

1. "I will work you dog. I. WILL. WORK. YOU!!!!!!!!" - C.T. to Adam in Real World: Paris. If you haven't seen this, your life is not complete.

REALESTS OF THE WEEK

No, not the poor dude that decided to pop the question at a Rockets game or the girl for running off the court after the proposal. Not even T-Mac for laughing in their face. The award goes to Houston's jackass announcers for kicking a guy in the balls while he's down.

Play-by-play guy: "I'm just waiting once for the gal to say, 'No.' ... Well, how do you like that? You know I was just joking when I said that (raucous laughter)."

Color guy: "The young man will probably get over it in 10, 12 years or so... 'Where amazing happens', right here."



Also an honorary mention to whoever gave the boyfriend a cold 16-ouncer while he walked off the court.

"GOD SAVE THE FAN" PENIS EXCERPT

So we're plowing through Will Leitch's book, "God Save the Fan" - excellent for a sports book, though it's too heavy on the snark (but the guy runs Deadspin so hey, what did you expect?).

We're perturbed there was no shout-out to The Realests while talking about "Lucius Seymour" but the part that really got our attention was the story of Leitch's chance encounter with Tractor Traylor's wang while in Ann Arbor working for the Illinois student newspaper:

He looked at us and flashed a lopsided, toothy smile. And hten he did something strange: He took off his towel. He wasn't getting dressed or anything; he just took off his towel and let his large, uncircumsized penis hang there for all to see. He looked at us, as if to dare us to say anything, and, knowing full well we wouldn't, said, "Okay, whaddya got?"

It was a power move, of course: Traylor, all 320 pounds and twenty years of him, knew that we men would sit and write down whatever he head to say, no matter what. His job was to knock people over with his ass and ours was to ask him his opinions on the matter. Y'all are so pathetic, his eyes said, that I can whip out the old hog here and not only will you not say anything about it, you'll try to pretend it's not there and go about your business.

He was absolutely right.

We really wish we had Photoshop so we could stamp "Michigan Man" across the picture below (by the way, Tractor really lucked out not getting sent to federal prison, I'msure the fellas at the slammer would have loved you!).

We'll just have to settle for picturing Drew Sharp and the schmucks from the Ann Arbor News in that circle with Leitch guestimating how their Johnson measured up to the Tractor.

WE'VE LOST OUR MINDS

All the haters that complain Lost is "just a tease" and "nothing ever happens" can shut their pie holes now. I won't ruin it for those who still have it TiVoed, but last night has to be among the Top 5 episodes in Lost history.

As we freely admit, we've become total Lost psychos: reading Lost blogs, checking message boards, analyzing freeze frames and rewatching old episodes for clues.

Well it turns out that wasn't a complete waste of our time after this discovery of an old episode on YouTube. It's amazing what you can miss the first time around: Forget Ben and Jacob, what crazy shit is the Dramatic Squirrel up to???

TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN

Just a miserable, dark, dreary, drizzly day outside. Everyone is flat out depressed today and walking around like zombies. That is, until they got hit up with some Chocolate Rain!

WHO YOU TRYING TO GET CRAZY WITH 'ESE?

Nothing will ever top this Kayne West/Mike Meyers moment, but Nas is making a real play for Kanye's title of "Most socially conscientious rapper"... and by that we mean "he just sounds crazy as hell."

On Sunday, Nas strolled onto the Grammy's red carpet with a "N*****" t-shirt to promote his upcoming album of the same name. But it's what follows that puts him in the driver's seat for Realest of the Year:



In an attempt to make our blog more handicap-friendly, here's the transcript:

Q: What kind of message are you hoping to send with that new album and with the title?

A: It's all the experiences we go through every day -- all ethnicities, black, white, indifferent. We've all been discriminated at some point whether it's in the Dominican Republic, whether it's China, whether it's Iraq where soldiers get their heads blown off for reasons we don't know why. The meaning of the word is supposed to be ignorant, so there is money being made off us poor so called ignorant people, no longer are black people n*****s, today it's also me and you.

(Pause. More pause.)

Q: So you're thinking about your upcoming album as well...

A couple things:

#1) I'm glad someone has finally mentioned the plight of the indifferent race.

#2) I don't care how many meanings of the word evolve, Brooke Anderson will never, ever be a n*****.

#3) With the 23 years comment, Nas is approaching Looney Tunes territory occupied by 9/11 conspiracists and Darren Daulton.

And who said hip hop is dead?

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Willie who??? Meet Davon Johnson, the newest member of the Miami Hurricanes. Who says recruiting day is overhyped? In the blink of an eye, this kid just redefined gangster Wednesday. Needless to say, we're expecting big, big things from Davon over the next four years.

Someone get Ricky Davis this kid's cell number.

JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE

We'll never be confused for a celebrity blog, but what happened to our boy John Tucker last night was just wrong (by the way, it's one of our Top 10 Movies of All-Time along with Zoolander, She's The Man and You Got Served).

Is it just us, or have we all seen a million fights like outside the frats: Some dude gets jacked in the face, the other guy acts real hard and keeps screaming shit but never actually does anything.

Man, we miss college.

STEVE KERR: THE NEW MATT MILLEN

Like the rest of America, we just can't get over the Shaq deal. WHAT THE HELL ARE THE SUNS THINKING? More specifically, what the hell is Steve Kerr thinking (on a serious note, are we the only ones that didn't know Kerr's dad was assassinated when he was 18? That's just about the worst thing we've ever heard).

Then we realized it all sounded vaguely familiar: The journeyman player with way more rings than he deserved turned insightful color analyst turned shitty GM.

Hmmm, who else does that describe? The one, the only: Matt Millen.

Take a look:

MATT MILLEN

Teams: 3 (Raiders, 49ers, Redskins)
Rings: 4 (1981, '84, '90, '92)
Ill-Advised Move: Calling Johnnie Morton a "fag"
In The Booth: Fox/CBS Color Analyst (1995-2000)
Current Title: President and CEO, Detroit Lions
Weakness: Wide Receivers
- Roy Williams
- Calvin Johnson
- Mike Williams
- Charles Rodgers
Bone-Headed Moves:
- Mike Williams
- Charles Rodgers
- Joey Harrington
- Tatum Bell for Dre Bly trade

STEVE KERR

Teams: 5 (Cavs, Magic, Bulls, Spurs, Blazers)
Rings: 5 (1996, '97, '98, '99, 2003)
Ill-Advised Move: Getting TKOd by Michael Jordan
In The Booth: TNT Color Analyst (2003-07)
Current Title: President of Basketball Operations/GM, Phoenix Suns
Weakness: Old Guys
- Grant Hill
- Shaquille O'Neal
Bone-Headed Moves:
- Shaquille O'Neal for Shawn Marion & Marcus Banks trade

OK, so it's only one move. But that's all it takes to ruin a franchise when the move is picking up a 35-year old that will count 20 million against the cap for 2 more years.

Let's just hope it doesn't end up like this for Kerr:

SHOULD'VE BEEN A SPARTAN

Well not really.

But Michigan State really does have all the fun. When they aren't trashing the place, Eminem throws impromptu concerts, "Made" comes and makes their girls hotter (come on, that's just not fair) and Ron Burgundy grills Tom Izzo about being a legal dwarf.

Man, what we'd pay to see Ron Burgundy go 1-on-1 with Lloyd or Red. Hijinx would ensue.

Note: Shame on "Funny or Die" for pulling the clip off YouTube and making it impossible to find on its website.

Update: We just received an e-mail from Bryan at "Funny or Die" saying tour videos will be up on the site soon. Wow, major, major props for that.

BATCH LU DA KIDS!

We know what you're thinking: What the hell was Charlie Batch doing at Terrelle Pryor's press conference today?

We've been curious about their relationship for awhile since Batch is quoted in almost every Pryor story. Through our intrepid research, we discovered:

#1) Pryor met Batch at his annual summer league basketball camp (wait, doesn't Batch play football?). Batch has also become good friends with Pitt star freshman DeJuan Blair.

#2) Batch is especially close with Pryor's family because the NFL QB's brother is dating Pryor's aunt.

Batch accompanied Pryor on his visit to Michigan and is expected to travel to Eugene for the Oregon visit. Shouldn't an NFL quarterback have better things to do, like practice or make a drunken fool of himself?

In all seriousness, Batch does a ton of community service and should be commended, but the comedy of a washed-up QB riding Pryor's coat tails is really hard to ignore. Drew Henson, are you taking notes?

BELICHICK CLAPS BACK

You actually thought the Croation Gangster was going to forget how New York Jets coach Eric Mangini ratted him out in Week 1 for Spygate?

Breaking news out of Hempstead today, as Mangini was found in a dumpster outside the Jets practice facilities with a Dirty Sanchez. Meanwhile, "SNITCH BITCH" was spray-painted across his SUV in very Wire-esque fashion.

Early reports have Adalius Thomas and Rodney Harrison fleeing the scene of the crime.

Can't say Mangini didn't have this coming. He'd just better hope this guy isn't a Pats fan:

SUPER BOWL XLII BLOG: PLAXTRADAMUS!

5:54: And we're off, folks! Terry Bradshaw just screamed "You actually found a hat that will fit that big fuckin' head?!??!?!" as Howie Long put on a Red Sox hat. Wow. That's a $50,000 fine. This is already one of the Top 5 Super Bowls of all time.

(Update: Or did he? We're sticking to our guns on this one: There just isn't enough evidence to overturn the call on the field.)

5:58: This Declaration of Independence bit just broke everyone in the room down to tears. Kudos to Fox and its propaganda.

6:12: Take that stupid hat off, Seau!

6:19: Less Jordin Sparks, more Terry Bradshaw commentary on Howie Long's big fucking head.

6:27: Looks like the Spygate drama scared the Patriots from using their double-sided coin on the flip. Bitches.

6:31: BLATANT facemask on the kickoff that goes uncalled. The cheating starts early...

6:35: Rodney Harrison is down - get the steroid kit ready!

6:44: What a surprise, Rodney Harrison looks 100% and punched Ahmad Bradshaw after making the tackle while roid ragin.

6:56: One of the gems of Super Bowls are listening to girls analyzing football for the first time. Girl next to me: "The Patriots are much prettier than the Giants." Uh, yeah.

6:58: Same girl: "It's just so funny both of these teams are from the East Coast and the game is being played all the way on the West Coast." Can't make this up.

7:09: It's not a Tooma! What a catch - and shove to the face - by Amani. Go Blue.

7:13: Stop throwing to Steve Smith! This guy can't catch anything. USC receivers are the new Jeff Tedford quarterbacks. Marinate on that for a second.

7:21: We have a Pierre Woods sighting!!!! MVP, MVP, MVP!!!!

7:22: What?!?!?! How did he NOT get that ball????? Gotta give Bradshaw a lot of credit on that one. Pierre, you are a disgrace.

7:27: Brady gets pummeled again! I'd put the odds of Steve Spagnuolo to the Redskins and 3/1 right now.

7:43: It's official: The Giant Mouse Doritos commercial is the early leader in the clubhouse for best commercial. Get that up on YouTube stat.

7:55: Giants halftime adjustment: Don't throw it to Stonehands! What does Terry have in store for an encore? Our guess is he calls Jimmy Johnson a "bitch ass."

Halftime Show: We miss Janet Jackson's boob.

8:22: We hate that little kid who they just talked about. What has he done?!?! We invented the piano key necktie!!!!!

8:25: Pam Oliver must be furious that HDTV has been invented.

8:31: Been a boring game so far. Very little scoring, very little downfield passing. So we've started betting on everything just to keep it interesting - MVP, quarter scores, whoever makes the next tackle. Jim's decided to take it to a new level. We just bet him $40 to watch 2 Girls 1 Cup on a loop for the next two hours. We think it's a big deal, but it's just a normal Sunday night for him.

8:32: Sales Genie.com is a bunch of racists. First the Indian accent then the Asian panda bears. What's next?? Black guys eating fried chicken and watermelon?? We're writing in angry letters - if there's anyone that can bring about social change, it's The Realests. We're the 69th most influential sports blog in the world!!!!!!!!

8:35: I hope Peyton Manning is getting really wasted right now and hitting on Gisele.

8:36: Fox has lost their damn mind. We're pretty sure we saw their football robot make a cameo in the Terminator commercial.

8:42: Someone drug test Michael Strahan. His veins have veins.

8:43: Someone needs to drug test Bill Belicheck. Going for it on 4th and 13???

8:46: This is the year of racist commercials! What's with the black guy going through the plane turbine?! Speaking of plane turbines, you all should watch LOST. It's awesome. And you're stupid if you don't watch.

8:59: The Pats are coming unglued. Brady is jawing at Welker after he clearly overthrew him. I'd love to see that fight. And fuck Brady too - would it kill him to say something about Michigan once in a while? What an ass. And he's ugly.

9:07: Huge gain by Boss! Jeremy Shockey officially just became irrelevant.

9:25: Rodney Harrison is CLEARLY on the juice. He's been running around like a chicken with his head cut off all game. And I swear that I saw a syringe stuck in his ass on the last play. Oh, and Jose Canseco is his best friend. And I found a receipt in his house that was for HGH.

9:39: Tom Brady is a genius. Great audibles on the goal line before throwing the TD to Moss. Tom even did a little saltshaker hand gesture before hiking the ball. Apparently Corey Webster thought that meant that he had to fall down during the most important play of the game.

9:41: Hixon really left it all on the field today. Including his penis. And balls.

9:42: $10 bucks says that Eli's voice is cracking in the huddle

9:45: Donkeylips makes his triumphant return to television!!!!!!

9:52: Eli Manning bitches!!!!!

9:54: There's a clear Patriots slant from the announcing booth. If Brady had made that pass, we'd still be hearing about it. Actually, ESPN would have started a new station dedicated exclusively to that play. But Eli gets no love.

10:00: Touchdown Giants - Eli to Plaxtradamus!

10:06: Game over. Giants win 17-14. We've got to sign off now so that we can flip over cars and set couches on fire.

10:20: Bradshaw does it again, telling Coughlin to do whatever he wants with the trophy: "Touch it! Kiss it!... Fuck it!" The night is complete. One last thought: Wonder if Fox will turn this into the new One Shining Moment of the Super Bowl...

"THE TECMO 5"

Alright folks, we give you a D+ on effort for this quiz, although it was still a big improvement from last time. Baby steps, people.

With our annual Super Bowl diary just hours away, it's time to reveal the only Tecmo Super Bowl players left in the NFL (pictured in their team at the time).

In honor of Lost's return to television, we have dubbed this group of geezers (Anderson, Feagles, Vinny, Carney) and juicers (Seau) The Tecmo 5.

Behold:

#1. Junior Seau



#2. Jeff Feagles



#3. Morten Anderson



#4. Vinny Testaverde



#5. John Carney



Apologies to Morten Anderson for the black and white photo. Dude might be the oldest NFL player, but he isn't that old.