5:54: And we're off, folks! Terry Bradshaw just screamed "You actually found a hat that will fit that big fuckin' head?!??!?!" as Howie Long put on a Red Sox hat. Wow. That's a $50,000 fine. This is already one of the Top 5 Super Bowls of all time.
(Update: Or did he? We're sticking to our guns on this one: There just isn't enough evidence to overturn the call on the field.)
5:58: This Declaration of Independence bit just broke everyone in the room down to tears. Kudos to Fox and its propaganda.
6:12: Take that stupid hat off, Seau!
6:19: Less Jordin Sparks, more Terry Bradshaw commentary on Howie Long's big fucking head.
6:27: Looks like the Spygate drama scared the Patriots from using their double-sided coin on the flip. Bitches.
6:31: BLATANT facemask on the kickoff that goes uncalled. The cheating starts early...
6:35: Rodney Harrison is down - get the steroid kit ready!
6:44: What a surprise, Rodney Harrison looks 100% and punched Ahmad Bradshaw after making the tackle while roid ragin.
6:56: One of the gems of Super Bowls are listening to girls analyzing football for the first time. Girl next to me: "The Patriots are much prettier than the Giants." Uh, yeah.
6:58: Same girl: "It's just so funny both of these teams are from the East Coast and the game is being played all the way on the West Coast." Can't make this up.
7:09: It's not a Tooma! What a catch - and shove to the face - by Amani. Go Blue.
7:13: Stop throwing to Steve Smith! This guy can't catch anything. USC receivers are the new Jeff Tedford quarterbacks. Marinate on that for a second.
7:21: We have a Pierre Woods sighting!!!! MVP, MVP, MVP!!!!
7:22: What?!?!?! How did he NOT get that ball????? Gotta give Bradshaw a lot of credit on that one. Pierre, you are a disgrace.
7:27: Brady gets pummeled again! I'd put the odds of Steve Spagnuolo to the Redskins and 3/1 right now.
7:43: It's official: The Giant Mouse Doritos commercial is the early leader in the clubhouse for best commercial. Get that up on YouTube stat.
7:55: Giants halftime adjustment: Don't throw it to Stonehands! What does Terry have in store for an encore? Our guess is he calls Jimmy Johnson a "bitch ass."
Halftime Show: We miss Janet Jackson's boob.
8:22: We hate that little kid who they just talked about. What has he done?!?! We invented the piano key necktie!!!!!
8:25: Pam Oliver must be furious that HDTV has been invented.
8:31: Been a boring game so far. Very little scoring, very little downfield passing. So we've started betting on everything just to keep it interesting - MVP, quarter scores, whoever makes the next tackle. Jim's decided to take it to a new level. We just bet him $40 to watch 2 Girls 1 Cup on a loop for the next two hours. We think it's a big deal, but it's just a normal Sunday night for him.
8:32: Sales Genie.com is a bunch of racists. First the Indian accent then the Asian panda bears. What's next?? Black guys eating fried chicken and watermelon?? We're writing in angry letters - if there's anyone that can bring about social change, it's The Realests. We're the 69th most influential sports blog in the world!!!!!!!!
8:35: I hope Peyton Manning is getting really wasted right now and hitting on Gisele.
8:36: Fox has lost their damn mind. We're pretty sure we saw their football robot make a cameo in the Terminator commercial.
8:42: Someone drug test Michael Strahan. His veins have veins.
8:43: Someone needs to drug test Bill Belicheck. Going for it on 4th and 13???
8:46: This is the year of racist commercials! What's with the black guy going through the plane turbine?! Speaking of plane turbines, you all should watch LOST. It's awesome. And you're stupid if you don't watch.
8:59: The Pats are coming unglued. Brady is jawing at Welker after he clearly overthrew him. I'd love to see that fight. And fuck Brady too - would it kill him to say something about Michigan once in a while? What an ass. And he's ugly.
9:07: Huge gain by Boss! Jeremy Shockey officially just became irrelevant.
9:25: Rodney Harrison is CLEARLY on the juice. He's been running around like a chicken with his head cut off all game. And I swear that I saw a syringe stuck in his ass on the last play. Oh, and Jose Canseco is his best friend. And I found a receipt in his house that was for HGH.
9:39: Tom Brady is a genius. Great audibles on the goal line before throwing the TD to Moss. Tom even did a little saltshaker hand gesture before hiking the ball. Apparently Corey Webster thought that meant that he had to fall down during the most important play of the game.
9:41: Hixon really left it all on the field today. Including his penis. And balls.
9:42: $10 bucks says that Eli's voice is cracking in the huddle
9:45: Donkeylips makes his triumphant return to television!!!!!!
9:52: Eli Manning bitches!!!!!
9:54: There's a clear Patriots slant from the announcing booth. If Brady had made that pass, we'd still be hearing about it. Actually, ESPN would have started a new station dedicated exclusively to that play. But Eli gets no love.
10:00: Touchdown Giants - Eli to Plaxtradamus!
10:06: Game over. Giants win 17-14. We've got to sign off now so that we can flip over cars and set couches on fire.
10:20: Bradshaw does it again, telling Coughlin to do whatever he wants with the trophy: "Touch it! Kiss it!... Fuck it!" The night is complete. One last thought: Wonder if Fox will turn this into the new One Shining Moment of the Super Bowl...