Realest of the Week

This was a tough call, but it's going to Rattner. Giving us a heads up about John McCain's appearance on "24" was instrumental in our blog resurgence. Rat is just proof that if you keep working hard, you can accomplish anything. Please congratulate him when you next get a chance. And if you see him in person, buy the guy a shot of Patron.


DARRRR!!!!!!! 

You Look Like A Horse!!!

You are ugly now

It's pretty safe to say that Lindsay Lohan won the whole "Who's Hotter?" challenge...

The Ultimate MICHIGAN Experience at the N.I.T.!!!!

With a loss to Purdue today, the Michigan basketball season is officially on its way down the toilet. Book your tickets NOW to New York for the NIT Final Four - any Michigan fan is welcome to stay at our place (the futon makes for a good night's sleep - everyone else bring your piss and shit resistant sleeping bags). We guarantee the ultimate MICHIGAN experience at MSG:

1) Constant chants of "Let's Go Mich-i-gan"
2) FULL popcorning - none of that "half jumping because I don't think the guy next to me is jumping and I don't want to look like an idiot" stuff
3) Finding Rudy T. and chanting "Rudy" throughout (we saw Rudy at a Knicks game about a month ago, so it is pretty much guaranteed he would be there), even though RT didn't graduate and supposedly would never be fired because of that
4) Convincing ourselves that we won't be that bad next year if we get a new coach and Lester comes back and "can finally stay healthy" because Sims is really progressing and Horton is overrated and a head case
5) Reminiscing about how sweet the Fab Five was, and how we should go back to just being gang bangers
6) Guessing how many minutes it will take Greg Oden to break Courtney Sims in half in our first meeting with OSU next year
7) Speculation about next year's football season, and how we are going to be totally sweet with the new coordinators and all those offensive weapons
8) And - MOST IMPORTANTLY - heading to "Off the Wagon" (a.k.a. the "Scorekeepers" of New York) after we win the nati!!!


"Dude, they're totally gonna hire Rudy T. even though he didn't graduate. I mean, what other choice do we have - Ramsey?!........ This is so fucking pathetic, I mean we're MICHIGAN!!!"

"He Did It Again??? Haters No Like...."

We've always said that we have the unique ability to piss off anyone that comes anywhere near us. Well, we've done it again... Only a few hours after posting our script online, we've already provoked a very angry response. And, once again, we're incredibly proud of it. We've placed the reader's statements in block quotes and our responses directly below their statements.

Plain and simple you cant write. Hell you cant even capture the cliché's right.

Therein lies the dilemma - we aren't trying to capture cliches. Stop watching crap like Dodgeball and Starsky & Hutch and get back to us then. Respect the King.

From the portions of this script that I have read this is not your run of the mill frat house, they are having a mosh pit, what kind of self respecting frat holds a mosh pit.

We are committed to the fact that there is no such thing as a "self respecting frat." Respect the King.

So then Hunter proceeds to kick the *beep* out of Corey, now if this was a real movie they would be enemies plain and simple, none of this other *beep* Hunter would never just invite him to the frat.

Its okay to use swear words buddy. If we reject your comment its not because you used potty-mouth language, its because we think you're an idiot and we don't respect your garbage opinion. Respect the King.

Its near 2 in the A.M. so if this is poorly written I apologise, but your script does suck, write something decent and I know a few mediocre directors that I can pitch it to. But with that, I would not even wipe my ass with that trash.

We really do appreciate you staying up past your bed time to read our script. And we'll make sure to get the new draft to you as soon as possible boss. Respect the King.

Well, that's all we have to say. Again, if nothing else, this proves our unique talent to infuriate people.

Hook 'em While They're Young

Oh man...

This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. This is not funny. THIS IS HILARIOUS.

What Could Have Been....

A lot of people don't realize this, but I discovered Kanye West.

.... It was the summer of 2003 while I was interning at Def Jam, and Kanye had just finished the video for "Through the Wire". I literally sat in my boss' office and watched the video over and over and over. I knew Kanye was about to blow up, but his album wasn't coming out for another 6 months (as you can see, Def Jam is really bad about timing the videos with album releases).

But Joe Budden's album was coming out in weeks, and I went for the quick score. I signed up for Team Budden. By the time Joey released the video for "Fire", Def Jam scrambled to pull any and all support from the album. My boss Tish and I were finished - with Def Jam millions in the hole, Team Budden was thrown on the street. And all I got was a mesh hat with "Joe Budden" sprayed on it - which, by the way, has since been lost.

Currently, Joey is desparately trying to start beef with anyone, prompting a person on this particular message board to say Joey should suck not 1, but 2 dicks.

It's just crazy to think I could have been at the Grammy's last night, instead of staring at Woodley's butthole....


Hey Kev - great book. Can I write the sequel, ".... And Back to Intern"?

Mamba Strikes Back

Apparently Nike has decided that its time to unveil Kobe's marketing campaign with a new commercial Thursday night (perhaps in an attempt to overshadow the All-Star Game selections?). Kobe ditched Adidas in 2003 so that he could sign with Nike and get his dollars up. Then, of course, he got into a little trouble in Colorado and he got dumped by every corporation that he was supposed to be endorsing.


Love me...Please?!?

But now Nike wants to get him back out into the ad world. My favorite part of this whole thing is the voice over during the commercial:

'Love me or hate me, it's one or the other. Always has been. Hate my game, my swagger. Hate my fadeaway, my hunger. Hate that I'm a veteran. A champion. Hate that. Hate it with all your heart. And hate that I'm loved, for the exact same reasons.'

Now, that by itself is pretty good. But I think Kobe and Nike forgot that people hate him because he destroyed the Lakers and allegedly raped a girl. Couldn't the heads at Nike figure out a way to get that into the commercial? Anyway, maybe they'll roll that out for the next ad campaign.

Real Maverick

There is no person more entertaining in the NBA than Mark Cuban. Not only his he incredibly loaded, but he had Dallas Maverick football jerseys made that he wears to every home game. Oh, and his team is slamming fools in the Western conference. To add to all that, he just took Phil Jackson out behind the woodshed.


Crazy Genius or Undeniably Real?

We hope this blows into a full time beef. If it keeps up, we might even put it into the Beef series that we are working on. We think Phil Jackson is a little baby. We think Mark Cuban is real.

Daddy, Where Have You Been?

I'm sure by now everyone has heard of Jodie Sweetin's meth problem. But pay particular attention to this part:

"After a particularly bad three-day bender, which reportedly resulted in an intervention staged by her former Full House costars, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget, Sweetin checked herself into Promises rehab facility for six weeks of intensive therapy."

1) Where was Dave Coulier? Does he not care anymore? Very disappointed in Uncle Joey...
2) Hey, aren't interventions the responsibility of REAL families?



Dude..... you've changed......

Greatest Michigan Daily Sports Article Ever

You will never see another women's tennis cover like this again. As J. Brady said, either the kid completely made up the quote, embellished it, or this girl is a complete idiot (and slut). Go Blue.

"Saturday was a miserable day for the women's tennis team.

Irked by boisterous South Carolina fans, No. 35 Michigan was downed 6-1 by the 24th-ranked Gamecocks. "

People kept yelling 'Cocks, cocks, cocks,' " Michigan senior Nina Yaftali said. "(It was) so loud, so crude. They should have just said big hen. My opponent would grunt it (along with the fans). It was just a cockfest. Do you think Michigan should change their mascot to shock teams? It's (not against the rules). It's just supporting the team. We yell 'Go Big Blue' and they say 'Go Big Cock'. See, it's the exact same ? The cock yelling was resonating throughout the tennis center. We got cockblocked." "

Fred Smoot Just Moved In...

So we get home yesterday and find Gennaro has purchased a new play thing for Woodley. Take a look yourself. The first thoughts that came to our minds were: "Fred Smoot" and "ASS TO ASS!!!"

We're so confused right now.

All we want to do is figure out which end of Woodley to stick the toy in....



Droffo with double-sided dildo...

Kristof-O'Reilly Beef

Finally a worthwhile column in the New York Times. NYT columnist Nicholas Kristof is a genius: He is raising money for Bill O'Reilly to go to Africa, after O'Reilly bitched out of joining Kristof.

Today's update:

"I'm just headed out the door to Columbia University to speak about -- what else? -- Darfur. But as of 7:38 a.m. this morning the pledges to finance Bill O'Reilly's trip to Darfur totalled $75,799.61. (That does not include a considerable number of people who are only willing to pay for a one-way ticket.) I'll have more updates tomorrow."

If you would like to help out, please send a donation to:

sponsorbill@gmail.com

Out of Sight, But Not Out of Mind

The Gauntlet 2 is one of our favorite shows, but one of our favorite jackasses - Mike "The Miz" - has suddenly disappeared this season in an unprecented move of apparently turning down TnT, TJ Lavin, booze and sluts.


The Miz

So we started digging and found Mike's old wrestling bio for the "UPW".
Note two things about this page.

1) The Miz's official site seems to be down, which raises concern about the league's well-being

2) According to his interesting facts, The Miz "now speaks weekly to large college audiences where he recounts his experiences on Real World and applies them to problems faced by students in similar situations." Please begs the question: what situations did we face in college that are similar to that of the Real World?

Then, we got around to finding The Miz's column for the WWE. Great lead:

"Hey there, Mizifts. I was sitting at a packed Hooters the other day watching the Royal Rumble and it got me thinking – where do people go to watch WWE pay-per-views? Lately I’ve been going to Hooters because where else are you gonna get a beer, wings, and most of the time a hot Hooters waitress. Well, even if the waitress isn’t hot, you still gotta love the outfit. I once dated a girl from Hooters and made her wear that outfit one night, but that’s another story."

As always, you can check his own personal web site for updates. He is really pumped up about his new column and says "My dream is coming closer and closer."

As the media's watchdog, we have an obligation to track down The Miz. We are in the process of writing him an e-mail in order to do a Q&A for the blog. We will keep you posted.

Also, an update on Coral is coming soon.....

From A Real Article

This is on a black track athlete that competed in the 1940s. This story ran in 2000 in the Sunday News (Lancaster, PA):

"But Ewell reached his prime in the early 1940s. Unfortunately, so did Adolf Hitler."

Can you say Adolf Hitler had a prime???

Pat Buchanan on.... Jack Bauer???

First McCain, now Pat Buchanan. P.B. uses the popularity of "24" to push his right-wing agenda on the war on terror, in a column today for the WorldNetDaily. He explains that at times like this, "we have to follow Jack Bauer's rules, not American Civil Liberties Union rules."

Bauer would definitely cut out some eyeballs if he found out he was being used as part of political propaganda....

Oh That Tricky John McCain

You probably didn't notice it, but John McCain made a cameo in "24" last night. Coming back from a commercial about halfway through the episode (when the screen is split into 3), McCain hands a folder to Buchanon. As if this show didn't have enough credibility, one of their biggest fans is a former war hero who spent 5 years being tortured. Gotta applaud McCain, although this might come back to haunt him in the next congressional hearing......

Oh yeah, and I wonder if McCain even realized that the next scene was Jack Bauer torturing someone.....

Realest/Unrealest of the Year Updates

The first month of 2006 has brought us plenty of real and unreal moments. Realness and Realety are things not easily defined - if you look them up in Webster's Dictionary you won't find definitions (granted, they aren't actual words, but still, they defy definition). Thus, the standards for deciding what is real and unreal are created 100% by The Realests (given our name, it is only fitting that we should have the first, final, and only word in this contest). There are many worthy candidates for both awards, but we've managed to find 5 front-runners in each. Keep in mind that the race is very tight and things could change in a heart beat. If you have any candidates you think are worthy, leave a comment:

Realest of the Year Candidates

The King

Super Bowl MVP??

Current odds: 5-1
Future prospects: Real
Analysis: We'll admit it. The first time we saw the King we were scared out of our minds. In fact, we ran away from our TV screens the next 6 times we saw the commercial. But Burger King really hit a gold mine with this ad campaign. At first the King was just creepy - we would see him staring into people's bedrooms at sunrise with that creepy, glazed look in his eyes. But then we realized he was only there to give them tasty breakfast sandwiches.

But we don't think anyone was ready for the King's leap into the NFL. Whether he was picking off Drew Bledsoe out of nowhere, hugging Don Shula, or torching the Vikings defense for a touchdown we were pulling for him all the way. If the Maloof Brothers were smart, they would sign a contract with BK to get the King as their official mascot. Could you imagine Ron Artest having a bad game, storming into the tunnel, and starting a brawl with the King? Who would win? The answer: Everyone. We all would win. Needless to say, we are looking forward to the King dunking on Shaq's face in a future commercial.

Woodley

Cute Dog or Devil Incarnate?

Current odds: 3-1
Future prospects: Very Real
Analysis: After the NY Post made dogs like him famous, its been hard to deal with Woodley. As of now, its clear that I hate the dog and the dog hates me (evidence: to date he has destroyed my iPod speakers, my PS2 controllers and wires, my posters, and my life). Its also clear that he regards Jim as his drunk but playful uncle; the kind that comes over during reunions with a flask and ends up roughing up one of the kids.

Well, Woodley has certainly gotten his revenge over the last couple of months. In only 7 short months on this planet, Woodley has managed to take close to 3 dumps a day in our apartment; urinate close to 452234 gallons on our floor; destroy everything in sight; and make our entire apartment smell like a bathroom.

We thought we had him beat when we neutered him (note: Coach Filice ignored our suggestion of just getting the procedure done in a back alley in Chinatown) but after a brief period of confusion, Woodley has returned to his rebellious ways. I just spent 10 minutes cleaning up a very pleasant mess that Woodley left for me. The future is bright for this kid.

Wes

Gangster...

Current Odds: 20-1
Future Prospects: Slightly Real
Analysis: There's no denying Wes' real appeal. The Beauty and the Geek producers refer to him only as the "guy who tracks monkeys with lazers." Personally, we feel that there is nothing geeky about that. In fact, its much more real than going to law school or researching features for a sports television station. Wes' biggest flip is the fact that he's not a geek after all. In fact, after the last episode where Wes got a make-over, we're willing to say that Wes is better looking than a lot of people we know. This kid has come a long way from finger painting with "blood" during the interior design challenge. Plus, we give him a pretty good chance at hooking up with this chick:


Good job Wes


Chris Andersen

Already letting himself go...

Current Odds: 50-1
Future Prospects: Questionably Real
Analysis: The Birdman started out the year extremely hot, getting booted out of a league that has guys like Kobe Bryant and Allen Iverson as its marquee players. But what can C.A. possibly follow it up with? Our guess is a trip to Europe - busting your ass in a foreign country playing against the next Darkos, Markos and Zarkos is pathetic. Sorry Birdman, at least you can claim "January's Realest".

Laju

Nigerian Realety

Note: Laju has been included on this list simply because she asked to be. You too can earn internet fame if you simply talk to use and tell us you like the blog. Yes, we have that much power. Jim thinks that I am ruining the credibility of the blog by honoring Laju's request. I have a few answers for that. First, we have no credibility. Second, our greatest claim to fame is a film clip of Jim falling on a futon and breaking his head. Third, I hope you all remember this when we get famous - come to me when you want the handouts, not Jim.
Current odds: 8-1
Future Prospects: Moderately Real
Analysis: Laju is the only person on this list that we actually know. Even though she knows the 2 person committee that hands out the award, we don't think Laju needs any help to win the crown this year. In a year of knowing Laju, she has proven herself in many aspects: gets obnoxiously drunk, fights people, makes ridiculous bets, and somehow cheers for the 49ers.

This year, however, Laju has done the most real thing we could imagine: She's done nothing at all. The simple brilliance of this move would go unnoticed by some people, but we certainly can appreciate its subtlety. What has prompted this disappearance? We're not sure, but we have ideas. Years of cheering for the 49ers might have finally caught up to her. She might have finally fulfilled her promise of bagging Alex Rodriguez and disappearing with him (much like he disappears in big games). Or maybe she's just laying in the cut, waiting to shock the world with her next move. We don't know...

Unrealest of the Year Candidates

Cam

Wah wah beep beep

Current Odds: 4-1
Future Prospects: Too Unreal for Words
Analysis: There is one simple rule: Hov will not lose. The corollary to that rule is very simple: Respect the King. The Pink Panther violated both of those rules and is going to pay the price (and by that we mean he has a great chance of winning Unrealest of the Year). Not only was his diss song uninspired, but it got Juelz banned from the Def Jam building for a couple of days. We want Hov to come back with a diss, but until he decides to, we'll keep making fun of Cam.
Note: Jim used to try and convince me that Dipset was the next big thing. Draw your own conclusions.

The 12th Man (including Ken)

Full time jack move

Current Odds: 25-1
Future Prospects: Quite Unreal
Analysis: This is the perfect example of "marketing gone overboard." I blame the guy that thought of the 12th man for inspiring the people that came up with the Mach Fusion. Come to think of it, the only good tradition we can think of is "The Claw." If it makes Seahawks fans feels any better, we give a huge thumbs up to the Seattle foam heads and would really enjoy seeing one on Ken.

K-Fed

A douche by any other name...

Current Odds: 40-1
Future Prospects: Trying Really Really Really Really Hard to be Real
Analysis: Federline is a complete douche - we already know that. The only thing really going against Kev is that he is trying too hard. As much as we now hate Cam'ron, we can still respect lyrics like "Wah Wah Beep Beep" because we know there was no time or effort involved. He's gonna have to pull this one out of his ass by doing something like getting a face tattoo.

President Logan

We want Palmer back!

Current Odds: 12-1
Future Prospects: As Real as the Exact Opposite of David Palmer
Analysis: If someone told us that they had David Palmer killed we would immediately a) stick a towel down their throat Jack Bauer-style; b) cut their eyeballs out Jack Bauer-style; c) shoot them in the chest Jack Bauer-style; d) cut their arm off with a hacksaw Jack Bauer-style; or e) send that person's daughter into a hotel infested by a deadly virus Jack Bauer-style. We would not turn into whiny little bitches. Look for this season to end with Bauer shooting Logan "Chapelle-style".

The Lazy Monday Guys

Dick...

...riders

Current Odds: 3-2
Future Prospects: Ridiculously Unreal
Analysis: You should know by now that the one thing we hate is no-talent jackasses. These guys are the definition of no-talent jackasses. "Lazy Sunday" was a great idea and then these two douchebags just jack it and make it for the "West Coast"? These guys aren't funny (no, we aren't jealous...Our dog, Woodley, is more entertaining than these dopes)! The video is crap! And we aren't going to link to it because there's no reason why these guys should be famous! We bet that the same people that think this video is hilarious are the same people that think "Fratboy Missionaries" isn't going to make three trillion dollars. It's time to decide - who you with?

Exclusive Video of Matt Hasselbeck in the Locker Room Postgame

He is really taking this one hard.... and for some reason he put a toupee on....

Beating himself up over the 2-minute drill

A Tribute to Super Bowl XL Champions

When you check this blog out at work or in class, please play this continuously. After 15 years, this song finally works.

A tribute to the Steelers, Bill Cowher, the Bus, Detroit and our Super Bowl running blog (see below):

Super Bowl XL

We've decided to do our second annual running blog of the Super Bowl. Last year's stellar effort really inspired us (it's about 3/4 of the way down the page. Without further ado...The Realests' Super Bowl XL Running Blog.

January 21st - Just before kick off: Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. Jerome Bettis is from Detroit.


Jerome Bettis is the guy on the right.

4:22 pm: ABC starts rolling out the pre-taped segments to fill time during the 48 hour pregame show. They cut to a guy mowing the a football field in the middle of nowhere. In a voice over the guy says, "I was just out there cutting the grass on the field. But that field was a place where young kids would see their dreams come true." I almost vomited and thought that ABC was going to report on another contrived sob story - maybe one about how Ben Roethlisberger has no control over his pinky toe for the first 17 years of his life. Then, immediately I realized I was an asshole when they explained that a Pop Warner league for kids with physical/mental disabilities used the field. I'm going to hell.

4:31 pm: A segment about Bill Cowher. Curiously, ABC does most of the filming within an actual steel mill. The question is: Are they just really getting into the whole "Pittsburgh grittiness" angle or are they drastically cutting costs? One of the steel workers starts explaining how his steel working crew is exactly the same as the Steelers football team. Yeah, they're pretty much the same - especially if you forget the fact that the Steelers players get paid about $100,000 for 3 hours of work on a Sunday afternoon. The interview with Bill Cowher made me wonder: which weighs more - Cowher's chin or Bettis' ass?

4:36 pm: Michael Irvin follows up the Cowher segment by saying that "Bill Cowher looks like Pittsburgh." I don't know what that means, but I love Emmit Smith's quote from the other day:

"This is the Pro Football Hall of Fame, not the Life Hall of Fame. His stats are what they are. They are not going to change."

4:38 pm: Mike Tirico goes to commercial and compliments Detroit on being a great host city. What's the over/under on the number of times that is said during the actual game? 10? 15? 100?

5:24 pm: Just in case you've been dead for the last week, ABC is running a segment about how Jerome Bettis is from Detroit. I guess its only official once the pregame show weighs in on it. How come no one is talking about how the Bus almost choked away the Steelers' playoff run when he fumbled on the on yard line. But, we're not complaining about the Bus getting good press and shedding some good light on the D.

5:38 pm: Notice how Mat tHasselbeck specifically requested to leave the top of his bald head out of the Disney World commercial. And if Joey Porter goes to DW, "Oh yes, there will be blood."

5:52 pm: Did Stevie Wonder just say we are going to be annihilated?

6:02 pm: Where was the Ray Lewis dance when he came out as the Super Bowl MVP? By the way, that would make a great Burger King commercial if the King did his Super Bowl shake.

6:04 pm: Lynn Swann already has the politician thumbs up perfected. He just picked up 3 million votes with that gesture.

6:07 pm: Grey's Anatomy looks really good tonight. If "Code Black" turns out to be some cross-promotion like the Bud Bowl, we are expanding the ban to ABC.

6:40 pm: Sorry for the lapse - dinner.

6:45 pm: Our first Charlie Batch sighting - him standing on the sideline with an ear piece. He definitely has NOT gotten the last laugh, as Drew Sharp suggests. That's like saying Peter Warrick got the last laugh on the Bengals.

6:50 pm: Which have we heard more: that the Buccaneers have never run back a kickoff for a TD or Chris Gardocki has never had a punt blocked? Most importantly, he HAS had a punt blocked - it just got passed the line of scrimmage so it didn't count as a block. As we have said, we are the media's watchdog.

6:53 pm: Puffy collabs with Diet Pepsi on a song. We wonder if Diet Pepsi will be on the next Biggie Duets album.

6:55 pm: They just mentioned Andre Reed. Quick story that is especially relevant because of the Hall of Fame inductions yesterday: My co-workers were at a bar earlier this year watching NFL games when Reed walked in. Coworker #1 jokingly said to Reed: "My friend doesn't think you should be in the Hall of Fame." Reed tells them to "get the fuck out of my face" and the bartender tells them never to come back on Sundays. 100% true story.

6:59 pm: Our questions about the new "Beauty and the Geek" host have just been answered, as we have just been notified that Brian McFaddon is now a corner for the Steelers.

7:04 pm: Ben Roethlisberger is 1 for 4 at the end of the first quarter. Maybe he was out enjoying Detroit's night life last night.

7:05 pm: Diet Pepsi stars in a Jackie Chan movie. Who is a better actor: Diet Pepsi or Chris Tucker?

7:07 pm: Peter Warrick has a decent kick return. Is he the new Desmond Howard? Warrick's neon green gloves make the Seahawks uniform look beautiful in comparison.

7:10 pm: Al Michaels with the night's first low blow. ABC cameras spot a Matt Hasselbeck look-alike in the stands. Michaels notes that the fan haHasselbeck's's "haircut" and by haircut he means "lack of hair."

7:14 pm: WE HAVE A CODE BLACK!!!!!

7:20 pm: Big Ben throws an interception. Maybe he was out with Kyle Orton last night? This brings us to an interesting question: Who looks like the biggest jackass? Big Ben, Orton, or Leinart?

7:21 pm: Ken sends another text message about the Seahawks. Ken - you are not a Seattle fan. Stop pretending to be one and stop sending mass text messages.

7:26 pm: Berman is doing play-by-play for The Shaggy Dog. This is why we hate ESPN. We also can't wait for the all the talking heads on ESPN to start discussing the two questionable calls in the first half of this game. I hope Jay Marrioti's head actually explodes when he pretends to be upset on Around the Horn.

7:29 pm: Al Michaels just said the Super Bowl was about as neutral as Lake Placid in the 1980 Winter Olympics. Did he just compare the Seattle Seahawks to the Soviets?

7:35 pm: Big Ben just made one of the most heads-up plays we have ever seen a quarterback make. All we need to nut our pants is a Jerome Bettis touchdown on the goal line.

7:39 pm: Gillette has a razor with 5 blades!!! Are you kidding? I hope it comes with gauze and bandages. That thing is like putting a lawn mower on your face.

7:40 pm: Roethlisberger scores on a ridiculous dive into the end zone. We're waiting for the inevitable challenge and then the inevitable 5 minute lecture about how "referees in the National Football League will not overturn a call unless there is indisputable evidence that the play on the field was incorrect."

7:52 pm: Apparently Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb are playing for the Seahawks now. With 48 seconds left in the half, Hasselbeck wastes 20 seconds at the line of scrimmage doing his best Peyton Manning impression. Bonehead play. Now the Seahawks have to kick a 54 yard field goal which goes wide right.

8:06 pm - 8:19 pm: The Rolling Stones are on. Please wake me up when the second half starts. By the way, someone mentioned that Eminem should be performing at half time. Right. I'm sure the NFL would just love that...

Actually, I take it back - the Rolling Stones are really cool. But I would still like to see Hov at halftime. I also swear to everyone reading this that I will learn how to dance like Mick Jagger and put a video of that on the blog soon. Did anyone notice he stole the Will Farrell dance move from "Zoolander" during the brain washing scene? And was he saying "And I Twy"?

8:33 pm: We've singing the Pittsburgh fight song. Please feel free to join in (Thanks to coach Filice for pointing this out):



8:53 pm: Big Ben is an idiot. Was he hanging out with Kyle Orton at halftime?

9:01 pm: Seahawks are getting the ball back only down 4 - Is Peter Warrick the new Desmond Howard??????????

9:02 pm: No.

9:10 pm: Peter Warrick just allowed a punt to role from the 20 to the 2. There is no hope for this guy. Somewhere offscreen we can hear: "We are gonna take the ball!!! And we're gonna score!!!!"

9:32 pm: What is the over/under on the number of times we have heard the word "gadget"? I'd say 20.

9:34 pm: Madden notes that you should challenge if it's the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl.

9:39 pm: The dog has been cleaning himself next to me on the futon for the last 5 minutes. I'm tired of this thing tea bagging himself.

9:43 pm: Let's see - Pittsburgh is up 11 with about 5 minutes to go, they need to hold on to the ball and run the clock out. Why on earth would they be giving Jerome Bettis the ball?!?!? Doesn't Cowher remember how the Bus almost choked away the Indy game?? This is absurd.

9:45 pm: We have looked up Bettis' stats for the day (9 carries, 30 yards). We have decided that even though he has done nothing to help the Steelers today (except for shining the nuts of everyone that has scored) he has our vote for MVP.

9:46 pm: It appears that Charlie Batch is actually calling the plays for the Steelers. Madden just said that Batch was looking for a good play on his wrist band. Maybe he is getting the last laugh at the city of Detroit. Who said minorities weren't getting any coaching positions these days?

9:51 pm: Al Michael's brings the heat. It was definitely weird that the Steelers (including Cowher) were celebrating on the sideline with over 3 minutes to play in the game. Apparently Michael's is the only one in the stadium that remembers that the Steelers almost choked away the Indy game.

9:56 pm: 2 minutes left, Gardocki to punt. Both of us are begging for The King to come out of nowhere, block it, take the ball to the house and turn it into a Burger King commercial.


Super Bowl MVP??

10:04 pm: The Seahawks are definitely running the Eagles' two-minute offense. How do you throw a 1-yard pass in this situation?

10:05 pm: HOW FITTING: Joey Porter ends up standing over Jeremy Stevens, who is lying on the field just short of the end zone without the ball in his hands. Kind of like a poor man's Tennessee-St. Louis Super Bowl......

10:07 pm: We really enjoyed this game - good thing we don't have to hear about it for the next 10 days on ESPN and have it ruined.

Just when you thought...

...it couldnt get any better, we hit you with something more...

This is in honor of Woodley's return.

The song is called "You are a huge nerd."

The lyrics are as follows:
I said you are
You are
You are a huge nerd.

The D

Well, I guess we all knew this was going to happen at some point this week. A bored sportswriter has apparently gotten fed up with all the free food and booze that's been thrown at him and has decided to rip Detroit.

Rick Telander's column in the Chicago Sun Times is a piece of garbage. Now, the Realests don't usually take things too seriously but there are a few things that you can't make fun of: Hov, Pistons, Redskins, Zoolander, any MTV reality show, and Detroit. Telander has decided to take on the city of Detroit. I know that Telander is a pretty big sports writer, but how does his editor let him write something like this?

After reading the column, its pretty evident that its just a ploy to grab the spotlight for a few minutes so that Jim Rome and the boneheads on Around the Horn can spend a segment discussing all the reasons why the Super Bowl shouldn't have been put in Detroit. But, in all honesty, that horse was beaten to death a few years ago when the NFL decided to give Detroit the Super Bowl. And then it was beaten to death at the start of the NFL season. In fact, my growing seed of discontent with ESPN began when I read the Sports Guy say that he wasn't going to the Super Bowl this year just because of its location. Well, the story is over and done with folks.

Now, Detroit is far from perfect, but the city has been making great strides over the last couple of years and especially in the last couple of months. I don't know why sports columnists feel the need to turn their columns into a referendum on the problems of urban Detroit - they certainly aren't experts on the problems of urban flight, unemployent, and urban revitalization. The fact is that they should be writing about sports. And if they would just do that then then the world would know that Detroit is a great sports town. In the last year alone Detroit and its suburbs have been host to 2 NBA Finals, the MLB All-Star Game, and the Super Bowl. Why not focus on the positives? Why not focus on how Detroit is a great sports town? How the fans in Detroit are some of the most loyal and knowledgeable in the country? How the Red Wings were the closest thing that hockey has seen to a dynasty in the last 20 years? How the Pistons have single-handedly brought the "team" concept back to the NBA? How MSU basketball has been a national powerhouse? How Michigan football continues to disappoint year after year? (Sorry, had to put that one in there - Fire Lloyd!!!)

They city of Detroit has shown a lot of resilience in the last few years and the feeling in the air is that things will turn around soon (granted, I don't live in/near Detroit anymore so I'm not sure exactly what the air is like). I mean, after all, even Jimmy Kimmel is spending a week in Detroit.

After reading Telander's column, take a look at Michael Wilbon's piece.

The Genesis

In a way, this is what started it all.

I'm very thankful that 1/2 of The Realests wrote this article. It was the start of a movement. After you read the article, note the number of comments left about it. It was the most commented-on article in The Michigan Daily's history. That says something. It says that 1/2 of the Realests has the unique gift of pissing people off wherever he goes. Its uncanny, its skillful, its a way of life.

I recently had a chance to sit down with 1/2 of the Realests and interview him. The transcript will be posted in the next couple of days...For now, enjoy the article.

Mike Anchondo

You probably don't know who Mike Anchondo is. Don't worry - we do.

Jim and I play a lot of video games. Now, put aside the fact that we are grown-ass men and that we still scream like little girls a lot of the time when we are playing them. Focus on the fact that we play video games...a lot of them.

We played Fight Night 2004 in college. It's a pretty good boxing game. Now, by far the best part of the game is the slow motion replays where the boxer's legs get wobbly and they fall on their faces. Jim was never very good at Fight Night (I had played more and am generally much much better at video games) so I would let him be the G.O.A.T - Muhammad Ali - and I would be a Featherweight - Mike Anchondo. Let's just say that Mike Anchondo got a few shots in on the Greatest but he always ended up hitting the mat. And he hit the mat pretty hard. At some point we'll get a video up of video game Mike Anchondo falling down...

Anyway, since a lot of you say that you have no idea what we are saying most of the time, this should be a pretty useful post. Ever since playing Fight Night, we have referred to someone falling flat on their face as an "Anchondo." For example, "We are going to go to Joe's and Waverly until we Anchondo on the street."

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we present you with the perfect Anchondo.
(Keep your volume up when you watch the clip)



So for everyone that told us that we had sold out and become to "artsy" with our creative interpretation of 24 - "Respect the King"

USA Today Somehow Finds Way To Lose MORE Credibility

Tough break for whoever put this up on their website:

WVU wiggles way past Irish
MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Notre Dame's Brady Quinn missed a jumper at the buzzer as No. 11 West Virginia held off the Fighting Irish, 71-70, beating them for the first time in 11 tries. Kevin Pittsnogle scored 22 points and Mike Gansey added 13 for the Mountaineers, who sit atop the Big East standings.

Newsflash: H.S. Girl Scores 113, Opposing Coach Cries Like A Bitch

Epiphanny Prince scored 113 points for Murry Bergtraum High School in a 137-32 win over Brandeis High School, breaking a girls' national prep record previously held by Hall of Famer Cheryl Miller.....

"She didn't earn this," Springer told the Post. "It was like picking on a handicapped person."

Who should feel more insulted - Prince or the coach's own team????

A few reasons to hate the New Jersey Nets

I hate the NJ Nets...they are an infuriating franchise. Everyone fell in love with them a few years back when they made a couple of trips to the Finals and got the crap kicked out of them both times.

But let's remember a few things about them:

1. Jason Kidd is an asshole despite blowing kisses to his wife before every free throw.

In January of 2001, Jason Kidd was arrested when he “smacked” Joumana. According to the police report, Mrs. Kidd wanted to go to the gym and asked Jason to feed their son TJ. Jason took a French fry from TJ’s plate and was then reminded by Joumana not to eat TJ’s food because “there wasn’t very much”.

A multi-millionaire basketball player and not enough food to feed his son, but enough to send his woman to the gym. Okay….

Then, Kidd turns and spits a fry into Joumana’s face. While holding a container of yogurt in his hand, he strikes Joumana in the face. Again, that was according to the police report. Anyway, she runs into the bedroom, he kicks in the door… yadda yadda yadda. Now how one holds a container of yogurt while beating his wife and why it was relevant to the police report is beyond me.

"Don't worry about me," she said, "this is minor compared to what I usually go through."

Remember that quote when you see the repeated video clip of Jason saying that Bob Ryan should apologize.

So Jason was arrested but not prosecuted after he agreed to tolerate domestic violence and anger management counseling for six months and he paid a whopping $200 fine.

2. Richard Jefferson is a whiny little bitch. And his tattoo is incredibly stupid.

3. Who makes fun of someone for having a kidney disease?!?!

Mourning snapped in reaction to the frustration of the drills, the team's troubles on the court and the cavalier attitude he has perceived during the Nets' 5-6 start this season. Mourning stalked over to where the players were laughing and, in a profanity-laden diatribe, shouted in part: "This ain't funny. This is about winning."

Richard Jefferson, a third-year forward who was one of the players who were laughing, told Mourning that indeed it wasn't funny, it was "hilarious."

When Kenyon Martin, a fourth-year forward, jumped in by mocking Mourning's recent performance on the court and commenting that Mourning would not have to run if he would improve his rebounding, Mourning attacked Martin's leadership and toughness.

Mourning, who signed with the Nets this summer after kidney disease cost him all of last season and nearly the entire 2000-1 season, told Martin: "At least I'm out there on the court, not in the training room. I'm trying to make the best of my time."

"You can't be a leader in the trainer's room crying, `My ankle, my ankle,' " Mourning added, referring to the sprained ankle that sidelined Martin for five games. Martin responded by mocking Mourning, muttering, "My kidney, my kidney."

Mourning did not immediately react to that comment. But when the players separated into groups for the next part of practice, he suddenly charged toward Martin before being restrained by teammates as he yelled, using more profanity: "What did you say about my kidney? Don't talk about my kidney. I'll put you on your back."

Teammates halted Mourning and kept him and Martin from getting close enough to come to blows. Meanwhile, Coach Byron Scott, who had watched from the far side of the court as the altercation began, stepped in front of Martin and spoke calmly to him.

The practice then resumed with Mourning and Martin not speaking to each other. The Nets' vice president for public relations, Gary Sussman, said later that neither player would be available to reporters.

Now, I don't even like Alonzo Mourning, but I'll get his back on this one.
************************************************************************

I guess what this whole things comes down to is the fact that the Pistons lost to the Nets last night...

GQ's 10 Most Hated Athletes

Some good stuff in here (especially the stuff on Curt Schilling, the No. 3 most hated athlete). Our only question is, where is Ricky Davis?

GQ's List

Respect the King

It hurts me to have to go after the blog's #1 supporter..but I'm doing it for his own good.

Zubin has recently said that he can do a better Almeida impression than me. Now, I seriously doubt this. And I do not appreciate the blatant disregard for everything that I have accomplished!!

I think Jay said it best:
"Y'all better learn to respect the king
Don't be the next contestant on that Summer Jam screen."

We will make a movie when you're here - and Zubin practice your Edgar impression...

Back for the first time!!!

That's right...

Streets is talkinga about our blog resurgence. Type in the "the realests" in google and our blog is the first link to pop up. Are we finally getting the recognition that we deserve, or are we still being dissed by the mainstream media (much like the Pistons...) Regardless - our push for a million hits by the end of the year continues...

Add Big Ben to 2006 R.O.Y. Favorites.....

Big Ben pulls a Matt Leinart

24: Realest Style

We've decided to take our future into our own hands. Since the mainstream American film industry has decided to blackball us, we're doing this guerilla style. We'd like to offer you an advance screening of our first short film.

Filmed on an extremely low budget with life-threatening conditions, we managed to capture the essence of the script, our lives, and our experiences. Even with a studio/roommate who didn't want to see a successful production and a lead actor/dog that was incredibly hungry and refused to cooperate, our brave cast and crew managed to dig deep and really find their inspiration.

We hope you enjoy the movie in its unedited form. Soon enough we will have it up with full edits. Ladies and Gentlemen, we give you - "24: Realest Style"

Cast
Jack Bauer - The Realest
Scared Hostage/CTU Operative - Wall Pablo
Tan Tony Almeida - The Realest
Insane Terrorist/Dog - Woodrofolous the Dog

Credits
Script - The Realests + Wall Pablo (special thanks to Droffo)
Cinematography - The Realest
Director - The Realest

Special Thanks
This would have never happened without the following people:
24, Bauer, Almeida, Droffo, Coach

Enjoy....

24: Realest Style

Super Bowl Week

Welcome to the D bitches.

Well, Super Bowl Week is finally here and The Realests are bracing for a week of whiny sports writers complaining about Detroit's weather; lack of a night life; rampant homelessness, poverty, and drug use; and proximity to Canada.

Usually, this is the type of thing that we would laugh at - indeed, its probably the type of thing that we would encourage.

But not this time.

By the way, the Pistons are 37-5. I predict we go on a 40-0 run to end the season. Then we win the championship. And we trade Darko for Ricky Davis.

Oh, by the way, I do a great Tony impersonation...stay tuned in the next couple of days for video of it.

Realness on the Today Show

She should be fired immediately

January's Realest

It is with a heavy heart that we announce Chris Anderson as January's Realest. C.A. was booted from the NBA on Thursday after failing his FIRST drug test. He will have to wait two years until he can reapply.

C.A. was the Vanilla Ice of the NBA. All those tattoos and gang signs, but nothing to back it up. He is best remembered as the guy that got stuffed by the rim in an All-Star slam dunk contest (it took him eight tries to complete his first successful dunk).

We can only hope Anderson doesn't end up on the mean streets of Texas and start gang banging again...



Only C.A. could turn a nickname like "The Birdman" into a gang sign... 

Year of the Dog

Also if you know us, you know we are huge DMX fans. Seeing that it actually is the year of the dog, we are expecting big things for D. Starting the year in jail after pretending to be an FBI agent and talking about how he wanted to kill people at Def Jam or himself a couple years ago (hey X, wasn't that when I interned there?). We give you the favorite for 2006 Realest of the Year:

Copyright 2006 Sun Media Corporation
Edmonton Sun (Alberta)

January 14, 2006 Saturday
FINAL EDITION

SECTION: ENTERTAINMENT; Pg. 65

LENGTH: 393 words

HEADLINE: RAPPER DMX IS OUT OF JAIL AND OUT OF JAM

BYLINE: BY BILLBOARD

DATELINE: NEW YORK

BODY:


Newly released from New York's Rikers Island after serving more than two months for violating the terms of a plea deal, rapper DMX has parted ways with longtime label Def Jam and signed a new, three-album deal with Sony Urban.

His new album, and first studio release in three years, Here We Go Again, is expected to reach stores this summer.

The artist, whose real name is Earl Simmons, explained that he reached an impasse at Def Jam. "I wasn't really happy there," he told Billboard during a series of interviews last month at Rikers Island. "Recording was like work."

Simmons said he and current Def Jam president/CEO Jay-Z could not work together. "We're both too big," he said. The album was originally recorded for Def Jam, and Sony Urban bought the rights to it as part of Simmons's deal. However, only a handful of the original songs will be on the final release. Def Jam declined to comment on the subject for this story.

Simmons was imprisoned after being arrested on two different occasions last year for driving incidents. The arrests violated the terms of a deal struck in 2004 after he crashed his car through a parking gate at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport after taking Valium.

DMX is the only rapper to have all five of his studio albums debut at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 and go multi-platinum. The artist is known for mixing the sacred and the profane in his rhymes, balancing his roughness with a deeply religious side.

In addition, Simmons has three movies in the works, including the indie film The Last Hour with David Carradine and Michael Madsen, as well as a reality TV series.

The artist recalled that in 2003, he reached a personal crossroads. His DMX side was fed up with the business. "I either wanted to kill someone, or myself." After releasing the album Grand Champ and promoting his box-office hit Cradle 2 the Grave, he announced that he would devote himself to his spirituality. He wanted to become a preacher. Simmons sighs and points a finger to the sky. "Problem is, I never heard the call," he said.

It was Simmons's friend Mase (a.k.a. pastor Mason Bertha, one of the few successful rappers to date to turn preacher) who talked him out of retirement. "Mase told me I have to do what I can with the talent the Lord has given me," Simmons said. "The Lord will call me when he wants me to do something different."

GRAPHIC: photo by AP DMX plays with his dog Gotti yesterday following the announcement of his record label change to Sony.

LOAD-DATE: January 14, 2006

Sports Guy Brings Bozacks

If you know us, you know we aren't huge Sports Guy fans. But he is funny, and nothing is better than his recent column about Isiah Thomas:

"Well, now I have a new career highlight: During a New York radio interview Monday, Isiah Thomas threatened to make trouble for me. Talking to Stephen A. Smith he said, "I'm gonna tell ya...if I see this guy Bill Simmons, oh, it's gonna be a problem with me and him ..." I thought it was ironic he threatened me on Martin Luther King Jr. Day -- I'm sure MLK would have been proud. Given that this was the same guy who sucker-punched his best friend on the Pistons (Bill Laimbeer) during the 1992 season, I am thinking about travelling with a full-time bodyguard, or at the very least a can of mace or one of those tasers that you can get in a stalker catalog."

Badunkadunk!

Janet Jackson's fat ass

Forget Kobe Beef, it's time for Shaq-Bynum

It's time for Shaq-Bynum. Please find a clip of Lakers center Andrew Bynum flossing on Shaq in last night's game, followed by Shaq jacking him in the face. Bynum's face is priceless: he doesn't even look at Shaq even though Shaq just disrespected him. Then Kobe comes in like he is breaking up a fight between his two best friends. And remember, on draft day, Bynum said he was like Shaq, but could hit his FTs. This beef will be far more entertaining than Kobe and Shaq ignoring each other.

Realest of the Week

Sorry ya'll - we were so excited about 24 we forgot to post. The Realest of the Week just so happens to be our favorite agent, Jack Bauer. [Thanks to the Realests' right hand man and truly loyal reader, Zubin, for pointing this one out].

From the Sunday Mirror (UK):

20-FLOORED
AND IF YOU THINK YOU MADE A FOOL OF YOURSELF LAST NIGHT.. Boozed-up 24 star Keifer flat out in hotel lobby after wrecking Xmas tree on 7-hour bender with pals
By Michael Duffy And Emily Miller

NO it didn't take 24 hours...seven was more than enough for Hollywood hellraiser Kiefer Sutherland.

Movie heart-throb Kiefer, 39, who stars in the hit thriller series 24, was laid flat-out on his back on the floor of a hotel lobby after a marathon booze bender with pals.

Moments earlier Sunday Mirror reporters watched in amazement as he charged into a 12ft Christmas tree, sending it crashing to the floor. The party was finally called off at 5.30am by hotel security - when guests starting arriving for BREAKFAST.

Our reporters met up with Kiefer on Thursday evening at London's trendy Borderline club for a gig by rock singer Rocco Deluca, who he's managing.

Kiefer - son of Hollywood great Donald Sutherland - took a shine to our girl Emily when he literally bumped into her at the show. He apologised, saying: "I'm so sorry, so, so, sorry."

Later our reporters joined him and his crew at the modest, £79-per-night Strand Palace Hotel in the West End... where the drinking REALLY began.

Advertisement
click here!!

He and his band ordered in tray after tray of whisky, beer, gin and wine - all on the star's bill.

Filled with a little too much festive spirit, Kiefer pulled Emily towards him to show off his latest tattoo - a string of mystic symbols on the inside of his forearm.

"Sit down and take a look," he slurred. "It says 'I trust you to kill me'. It's the name of Rocco's new album. To me that also means 'F**k you' - there's a lot of disrespect bound up in it."

At 2am bar staff refused to serve any more alcohol. Undaunted, Kiefer persuaded management to let them loose in the lobby.

He ordered yet more booze on room service, then staggered around the entrance hall, entertaining pals with a bizarre, flailing breakdancing routine.

It was then that a huge Christmas tree caught his eye.

"I hate that f***ing Christmas tree," he declared. "The tree HAS to come down."

Kiefer warned staff: "I'm smashing it - can I pay for it?"

A staff member replied: "I'm absolutely sure you can, sir."

The Lost Boys star - famously ditched by Julia Roberts five days before their wedding in 1991 - then hurled himself into the Norwegian Spruce, sending baubles and lights crashing to the ground. Pulling pine needles out of his hair and t-shirt, he said to a hotel employee: "Ooh sorry about that...you're so cool. This f***ing hotel rocks."

A friend then tried to coax swaying Kiefer to go to bed...but he made a beeline for our team.

Tears welling in his eyes, he revealed how disappointed he was at the half-hearted applause for his band earlier in the evening. "It was b****cks," he said. We've played in a lot of other places and they were going nuts for this sh*t.

"In this world you have to share something with the f***ing band."

Still up for some banter, he lurched up to Australian-born reporter Michael Duffy, shaking him violently by the hand.

He repeatedly addressed him as "You f***ing Aussie c**t". He kissed Michael's close-shaven head before grabbing Emily's hand and stroking her shoulder.

"Oh don't go, don't go," begged Kiefer, now single after splitting from his long-term lover, artist Catherine Bisson, last year. "I've got a crush on you."

When she declined his advances, he stumbled along the halls of the hotel's eighth floor - before eventually finding the door that fitted his key and calling it a night.

michael.duffy@sunday mirror.co.uk

2005 REALEST OF THE YEAR

Finally, it is upon us. There were a lot of worthy people out there (Jay-Z in particular), but we had to give it to a bum in Arizona. This guy trained a mouse to ride a cat to ride a dog. It was a level of realness unparalleled in 2005.

Unfortunately, it is DMX - not the Jigga Man - that best summarizes our choice for Realest of the Year.

"What do you do when you find out in the
hall there's a rat, what do you do when
you find out that your dog is a cat?"


Mouse-Cat-Dog

Higher Education Institution or Penitentiary Preparation Center?

Loyal Readers,

Apparently Maurice Clarett reads The Realests and he is furious at being left out of the running for 2005's Realest of the Year. Now, Clarett had an off year in 2005 - no one can dispute that - he made the pros but then got the ax from Shanahan and the Broncos. It must have torn him apart that he couldnt stay on the team long enough to do some truly stupid stuff in the NFL. Luckily, there is plenty of stupid stuff you can do when you arent in the NFL.

At least Charles Woodson hasn't resorted to a life of crime yet.

This is a good sign for The Realests - on only the first day of 2006, we already have a very strong nominee for Realest of the Year.

Thanks to THE Ohio State "University," Jim Tressel, Maurice Clarett's mom, and the bar owner who identified Clarett.

Realest of the Year - Honorable Mention

With the end of the year comes the first annual "Realest of the Year" Award. With two weeks still left, let's start with the honorable mention - Minnesota Vikings.

For those of you who have seen Requiem for a Dream:

After reading the account of Fred Smoot's experience, can't you just picture the Vikings standing around as a team going "ASS TO ASS, ASS TO ASS, ASS TO ASS!!!" See, that's the kind of joke the Sports Guy should be able to make. That's funny.

From Deadspin:

The Full Report On The Sex Boat

Fred Smoot: Was seen holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were lying on the floor near the lounge area of the charter boat. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman.

Daunte Culpepper: Got a “lap dance” from an unidentified, naked female. During this “lap dance,” Mr. Culpepper placed his hands on the naked buttocks of the female dancer.

Moe Williams: [Williams is witnessed] in the area by the downstairs bathrooms receiving a “lap dance,” which involved the “dancer” dancing bare-breasted and Mr. Williams with his hands on and touching the breasts of his female partner.

Bryant McKinnie: [McKinnie is witnessed] pick up a naked woman, place her on the bar in the lounge and commence to perform oral sex on her. … At a different time during the evening, [witnesses] saw Mr. McKinnie along with three other unidentified males receiving oral sex from four women while the men were seated in deck chairs on the boat.

Just a Dumb Fuck

Nothing exactly real about this, the San Francisco 49ers PR guy is just a funny individual. Watch the tape he made for the team, here:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2005/06/01/MNdisclaimer01.DTL

Some of these clips are just boring, but if you watch 3,4,5,6, and 8, you get a pretty good idea why people are really pissed off about this thing (ex: PR guy showing his dick)

A REAL Duets Album

I'm uninspired by the new Biggie Duets album

I'm pretty sure that Biggie would never ever ever have worked with the people that Puffy signed up for this money-making extravaganza

Instead, I propose the following...

A duets album with Biggie and Hov

We can call it: The B.O.A.T. and the G.O.A.T.

Biggie's the best, hov's the greatest

maybe the duets cd can be the soundtrack for fratboy missionaries

Realest of the Week - A Little Delayed

Copyright 2005 Associated Press
All Rights Reserved
Associated Press Online

These materials may not be republished without the express written consent of The Associated Press

October 21, 2005 Friday

SECTION: SPORTS

LENGTH: 111 words

HEADLINE: Larry Bird Inspires Man's Longer Jail Term

DATELINE: OKLAHOMA CITY

BODY:
A man got a prison term longer than prosecutors and defense attorneys had agreed to - all because of Celtics great Larry Bird.

The lawyers reached a plea agreement Tuesday for a 30-year term for a man accused of shooting with an intent to kill and robbery. But Eric James Torpy wanted his prison term to match Bird's jersey number 33.

"He said if he was going to go down, he was going to go down in Larry Bird's jersey," Oklahoma County District Judge Ray Elliott said Wednesday. "We accommodated his request and he was just as happy as he could be.

"I've never seen anything like this in 26 years in the courthouse. But, I know the DA is happy about it."

LOAD-DATE: October 21, 2005

Greatest of all time?

We listen to a lot of rap music...
After listening to so much rap music we have come to the inescapable conclusion that Jay-Z is the greatest of all time...
I'm tired of defending Jay as the greatest
So over the next couple of weeks we will discredit each and every rapper that challenges Jay for the throne...

First up?
Biggie

Here's a sampling of BIG's lyrical prowess...

"I’m in the caravan on my way to maryland
With my man two-tecs to take over this projects
They call him two-tecs, he tote two tecs"

Ahhh...now its clear why they call him two-tecs

Here's my favorite repetitive Jay line...

"You got starch in your flow
I flow too many ways, got a arch in my flow
All sorts of flow, Rembrandt, Rilkey
I am art with the flow
Even if I'm filthy, you gotta pardon the flow"

For future reference, note that Jay then uses the word flow in the next 20 lines of the song

ROC too strong for y'all!!!

A Reward for Visiting Our Blog

Let us expose you to Matt Leinart's Saturday night at Marquee:

http://deadspin.com/sports/college-football/matt-leinarts-big-postheisman-nyc-adventure-143028.php

About to hit another milestone

As we near our 2,000th hit, we just want to thank everyone for continuing to support us (and by everyone, we mean Zubin, Steiny, Laju and Ratner). You stuck with us through a lot of shit, and we appreciate that. We do it for y'all. And even when this site is getting a million hits a day, we'll never forget where we came from and who was there for us. Thanks and please join us in commemorating the 2,000th hit.

Complete Bullshit

How is this guy up for the Weblog Awards and we aren't?

http://boifromtroy.com/

And talk about shameless self-promotion: one of his posts gathering votes is entitled "Rally Behind the Fag!"

(may we also point out the pictures of gay guys riding penis statues and holding their junk in their hands)

Realest of the Week

Tish, who has to be the first person averaging 3 PPG in his career to demand a trade. Note to Donnie Walsh and Larry Bird: Artest for Tish? I think the Pacers would be getting a steal....


Timberwolves Tskitishvili Issues Trade Demand
Dec 9 - One day after criticizing the Timberwolves for not living up to the promises of playing time, Nikoloz Tskitishvili told the St. Paul Pioneer Press Thursday that he wants to be traded. "I understand they're playing really well, but I'm tired," he said. "This is my fourth year. This is a little bit disrespect. You've got to give me a little chance, better than this."
Tskitishvili's agent, Ara Vartanian, said his client appreciates the opportunity the organization gave him, but a trade seems best for all parties.

Food for Thought

1) Go to google
2) Type in "George Bush middle finger" (with quotation marks included)
3) Click on images
4) Explain the photo

Diamonds are Forever!!!!

Diamond Dallas Sues Jay-Z Over 'Diamond Cutter' Hand Sign
12.06.2005 4:31 PM EST

Wrestler claims he invented the two-handed gesture years ago.

Former pro wrestler Diamond Dallas Page is suing Jay-Z, claiming the hip-hop heavyweight has illegally adopted his trademark hand gesture — the "Diamond Cutter" — as his own.

The suit, filed in Los Angeles Federal Court on Friday, accuses Jay-Z and Roc-A-Fella Records of trademark and copyright infringement as well as misappropriation of the hand symbol. Page is seeking an injunction (meaning Jay-Z would be prohibited from using the gesture) and unspecified monetary damages.

Page's lawyer, George Gallegos, said Diamond Dallas (born Page Falkinberg) brought the legal action against the Def Jam CEO in order to protect his livelihood.

"People would come up to him and ask him if he was letting Jay-Z use it or if he had licensed it to him," Gallegos said of the symbol, which he claims his client created in 1996 and copyrighted years ago. "People [would also] say he's using Jay-Z's sign."

On the cover of Page's new book, "Yoga for Regular Guys: The Best Damn Workout on the Planet!," he can be seen sporting a T-shirt of the hand gesture. On his Web site, the same image can be seen above the words "A symbol of excellence since 1996."


Gallegos said he first took the hand-gesture matter directly to Jay's lawyers, but they were not receptive, saying that the real issue was how Diamond Dallas was using Jay's symbol inappropriately. Gallegos said he provided the rapper's people with magazine covers, various Dallas merchandise and video footage dating back to the mid-1990s showing Page throwing the "Cutter."

"If you look at [Jay-Z's] 'Encore' video you can see fans using the 'Diamond Cutter' sign, and in video of Diamond Dallas ... if you only looked at the fans from both those tapes, you'd think it's the same person performing," Gallegos said. "Jay-Z and Roc-A-Fella Records use this symbol to promote themselves, to promote their artists, to promote their music and to promote their fanbase. People have come to recognize [Page by this symbol], and the way that it's being used by Jay-Z and Roc-A-Fella is taking value away from it and creating confusion upon the public."

Jay-Z's attorney, Michael Guido, could not be reached for comment. Calls to Jay-Z's label for comment were not returned.