BAN JAY BILAS FROM MICHIGAN COVERAGE

Listening to Jay Bilas during the last 5 minutes of today's Michigan basketball game was like Chinese water torture.

Keep in mind, this is the same guy that said Michigan was getting screwed if they didn't get a bid to the NCAA Tournament last year.

Well with time running out, Bilas started searching for reasons - er, excuses - why we suck.

His first idea?

We were trying TOO hard. Jay, did you notice Amaker benched all the starters in the last game? I wonder why that is.... I guess the guys were trying so hard in practice, Tommy decided to give them the extra rest.

And did anyone notice how when they sent it back to the studio, Rick Majerus and Steve Lavin kept calling Michigan "apathetic" and "lethargic"?

Then either Bilas or Raftery said it's "not about the X's and O's with this team, it's mental." Actually, X's and O's are exactly our problem! We don't even have them because Amaker doesn't run an offense! Instead of X's and O's, we just get the twirly finger.

Then Bilas topped it all off with this gem: "If they could get some scoring, this would be a completely different team."

Just like Amaker. It all sounds so simple.


Another reason to hate Duke...

UNREALEST OF THE WEEK: GILBERT

We expect the whole truth and nothing but the truth from Gilbert Arenas. This is the guy that brought you this last postseason:



This is also the same guy that ripped Mike D’Antoni and Nate McMillan before the World Championships, then quitting Team U.S.A. and promising to average 50 points against the Suns and Trailblazers this year (oh by the way, he put up 54 on the Suns on Dec. 22).

So when Kobe Bryant said Arenas shoots without a conscience, we figured Gilbert was just a ticking time bomb to go off and everybody already knew how Gilbert was going to fire back (more on that later).

Well Gilbert has spoken. Unfortunately, he didn’t really say anything. From the Washington Post:

"If someone downgrades, they really care; it really hurt them. That's how I look at it. If he didn't comment, he didn't acknowledge it. But for him to comment, I really got to him. A great player like him, you have to do something to that level to get his respect."

Fuck that shit!

The ONLY acceptable response here is this:

“Where was Kobe’s conscience in that Colorado hotel room?”

As Ari Gold would say: BOOM!

It’s great because although it does imply Kobe is guilty, it works either way because he still cheated on his wife.

Gilbert, we expected more out of you….

WE'RE BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

Sorry for the break, even we need Christmas off people. Once again, The Diplomats sum up our emotions best:

SHAMAKER TAKES 'M' HOOPS TO NEW LOW

As freshmen, me and my fellow classmates endured one of the most embarassing moments in Michigan sports history.

"34-2."

For those that have supressed this moment from their memory, that's the score Michigan trailed by at Duke on Dec. 9, 2000 (for extra fun, check out the starting lineups for that game here).

The Cameron Crazies chanted it the entire game and all anyone could say on campus for a week was, "34 to fuckin' 2!" Although we still haven't lived that humiliation down, one good thing resulted: it became the rallying cry for Brian Ellerbe's head.

This whole game was Amaker's 34-2. A 37-point loss to a marginally more talented and extremely undersized UCLA team was just as embarassing.

Consider the fact that this was UCLA's biggest win of the season. That means Chaminade, Long Beach St., UC Riverside, CS Fullerton, Oakland and Sam Houston State were all more competitive than Big Blue. And the only reason Amaker's "Point a Minute Team" reached 55 points is because the Bruins put the defense on cruise control as soon as they went up by 20.

By the way, how sweet was it when - coming out of a commercial break - CBS played "There must be some kinda way outta here!" Spectacular.

Of course, Amaker always thinks the problems are just so simple: we were too nervous, turned the ball over too much and started pressing. Maybe those excuses would have flown a couple years ago, but we're starting four seniors! Go ahead and guess how many seniors UCLA has on its entire team.

ZERO. And three of their starters are sophomores.

So at this point Bill Martin has three options:

1) Schedule 25 nonconference games
2) Join the MAC in men's and women's basketball
3) Replace Tommy Amaker next season and risk losing Manny Harris and Alex Legion

Only 45 more days until Sims-Oden I, folks! And don't worry, we're trying to set up a web page with a countdown clock with the same graphics and sound as "24."

BRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLIN!!!

Amazing story from yesterday's New York Post about the son of late Giants owner Wellington Mara:

Tomasulo said the bizarre broker brouhaha broke out at around 10:30 a.m., after he walked past (Stephen) Mara and pretended to do a basketball jump shot, mocking the celebratory on-field routine performed by Big Blue players after touchdowns and sacks...

"At first, he got me in a bear hug and bent me over a trading post. At first, I thought it was a joke. Then he proceeded to choke me. I passed out for a minute."

You can't make this shit up.

A. We've said it about The Diplomats before, people: It's not just about music, it's a movement.

B. Where is the credit for Jim Jones in this article? Michael Strahan did not invent the jump shot!

C. We wonder if this Tomasulo fellow screamed "Ballin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in Mara's face. Leave it to the Post to omit that crucial element from this story...

D. The Diplomats are hood rats. Period.


Skip forward to the 2:00 mark on this...


Talk about sellouts. We love this Asian actor that agreed to be play a stereotypical L.A. Quickie Mart owner, topped with the implication Jim Jones shoot him in the face...

2006 REALEST OF THE YEAR: US

By now, everyone's heard about Time Magazine's "Person of the Year":



Usually I'd leave it up to Daily Arts to come up with this sort of crap (I'm sure they will plagiarize it soon).

There were plenty of good candidates to choose from, including: Jack Bauer (how many times does this guy have to save your ass to win this thing?), The LeBrons, Nikoloz Tskitishvili, Moondog, Ron Mexico (OK, maybe he should have been the 2005 Person of the Year), this dude, Jim Jones, Isiah Thomas and Phil Brabbs.

So we decided it was time to announce the second annual Realest of the Year (if you recall, the 2005 winner was a mouse riding a cat riding a dog... yes, you read that correctly).

We once again look like prophets after a near dead-on prediction 12 months ago of this year's winner, which is:


(Photo credit: T-Dizzle)

Yeah, we said it.

Us.

Do we really have to validate this?

No.

But just for the sake of self-promotion, we will. And what better way to do an end-of-the-year special than a Top 10 countdown of our realest moments?

Let's do this:

10. 24 – Realest Style

Varun really carried this sketch with his dead-on Tony Almeda impression. Special thanks to Ken Wall and Lofa Tatupu for guest appearances:

9. Coaching Candidates for "The U"

We’re especially proud of this entry due to the fact that Dennis Erickson actually landed a job at a big-time program. It’ll be great to see him next year wearing a visor with the Devil on it.

8. Braylicious

Another of our most recent hits, we can’t get enough of Braylon Edwards. And neither can Braylon:

7. “Whoop That Trick”

This was really a gem at the time. As Varun likes to say, it’s everything that’s right about college basketball:

6. Discovering Max Meisel

When we found this kid, he was a 5-foot-4 scrub. Well, he still is. But now he’s the Syracuse Rudy that tried to take a porn star to prom. Talk about hooking a guy up. Who has done more for an individual collegiate athlete in the past ten years? Jerry Tarkanian? Ed Martin?

5. Gawker Beef

The fact that Daily Arts did an interview with Gawker’s Jessica Coen just legitimizes the fact we called her a bitch.



4. "Measly Penny"

Big props to Scott Bell and The Michigan Daily sports section on this one. The song’s pretty whack, but whoever said, “Bitch, you don’t know LeBron James!” is a genius (again, we took the song down because it was slowing down the site, but trust us - we still have a copy).



3. Saving Gunston’s Ass

We don’t want to toot our own horn (that’s a lie), but there was nothing more satisfying this year than saving Gunston from being put to sleep. Now he’s a cult figure with over 2,500 Facebook friends (note: we are counting the Gunston-Moondog Beef as part of this moment to avoid repetition).

1. Anchondo

Was there ever any doubt?

Any questions?

P.S. Big shout-out to our devoted reader in Cary, North Carolina - the most dedicated Realest reader of 2006

TIMBERLAKE'S NEW HIT: "DICK IN A BOX"

I'm sure everyone has seen this by now, but just in case (by the way, shouldn't Andy Samberg start getting stock options from YouTube at this point, and is it possible this song is too catchy? I can't get it out of my head):

DONNIE EDWARDS IS AFRAID OF GRASS

There are certain characters in sports that just can't be explained (i.e. Zoltan Mesko). And San Diego Chargers linebacker Donnie Edwards is one of them:

A) Isn't this the guy that lost his mind on an MNF game and had like 5 personal fouls for facemasks?

B) He's friends with Mario Lopez

C) Guess why this guy wears long sleeves, no matter the weather....

Straight from the media guide:

"Interestingly, he also is allergic to grass."

I'm sorry, but that's pretty lame.


I can't respect a man that is afraid of grass...

MIKE HART BETTER WORK ON HIS MOVES

"YouTube: The Gift and The Curse"

The Gift:


The Curse:

CARMELO, THE GAME AND SNITCHIN'

I hope one thing comes out of tonight's fight between the Knicks and Nuggets: Carmelo Anthony labeled a bitch.

If you watch the replay closely, Melo thinks he is all hard cuz he shoves over Channing Frye - the Courtney Sims of the NBA. Then when Jared Jeffries became possessed, the world realized what a front Melo really is. Carmelo should never be able to live down running the full length of the court after punching another man in the face.

So that got me searching for Melo's famous "Stop Snitchin'" video where he acts all hard, and I find something almost as good - The Game pleading with 50 Cent to stop snitchin'.

The kicker is the watermark on the screen: "G-unot television." I'm calling our cable operator first thing tomorrow morning.

JASON WILLIAMS DEBUTS IN THE D-LEAGUE

Another classic from Getty Images: photos of Jason Williams' first game in the D-League as a member of the Austin Toros, who dropped to 0-7 last night. Yikes.

Man, it's just depressing to look at some of these, like this one of J-Will running the fast break hopping on one foot:


"Get outta my way dog!"

TOM BRADY SACKS BRIDGET MOYNAHAN

Stunning news out of Boston today: Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan have ended their three-year relationship.

To be honest, we always thought The Golden Boy was slummin' it anyway...

JAKE LONG: A REAL MICHIGAN MAN

This just came across the wire. Is anyone happier than Mike Hart right now?

First-team All-America offensive tackle Jake Long announced Thursday that he will return to Michigan for his senior season.

"It's best for me and for the team," he said. "I looked into it a little bit, but I never was close to leaving. I really want my degree, and we have unfinished business as a team."

The third-ranked Wolverines fell just short of earning a berth in this season's BCS title game in Arizona, and instead will face Southern California in the Rose Bowl on Jan. 1.

We need to start printing these shirts IMMEDIATELY... (Photo credit: T-Dizzle)

BRAYLICIOUS LOOKING SO DELICIOUS

I often joke that Braylon Edwards is a lot like The Claw: they're both creations of The Michigan Daily.

For anyone that wasn't around for Braylon's junior year, dude was buried on the depth chart and going nowhere fast. As Lloyd Carr put it: "We're not on the same page and Braylon's a good reader."

That's when Brady put Braylon on blast, calling him an R. Kelly wanna-be (make sure to read the before and after if you haven't already).

No joke. The very day of the article, Braylon came to his first Monday press conference and proclaimed "I'm not a bad guy" and "I got people like J. Brady McCollough comparin' me to R. Kelly." From then on, the guy shaved his rows, took out the double studs and obliterated the Michigan record books.

He's still an egomanic (like any NFL receiver), but up to this point he's kept it in check despite the fame and millions. But Braylon has been in the news a lot lately for showing up teammates and poppin' off a little too much.

Which leads me to today, when I found this Zoolander-esque feature photo gallery of Braylon on Getty Images that is basically soft-core porn (click here for the full gallery). This was probably the greatest moment of his life:


"Does this mound of dirt accentuate my eyes???"


"Abracadabra BITCH..."


"Come on in to Men's Warehouse today and get 15% off!"


"Thoia, thoia, thoia, thoia thoing!"


I just messed my pants


"God: please have this photo turn out fabulous..."

GEORGE LUCAS IS A HUGE NERD

If you guys haven't already heard, George Lucas is Grand Marshal of the Rose Bowl Parade and will have 200 storm troopers march in the parade. If Bo were still around, he would have an absolute field day on Lucas...

Please tell me the Rose Bowl doesn't turn out like this (except for "Black Wolf The Dragon Master" - he should definitely be in Pasadena):

COLLEGE BASKETBALL ALL-NAME TEAM

After getting positive feedback on the College Football All-Name Team, we decided to scour through all 334 Division I hoops programs to find the best names in college basketball.

There were so few spots and so many deserving candidates that we were forced to compile a first, second and third team.

The findings might surprise you:

COLLEGE BASKETBALL ALL-NAME TEAMS

STARRING:









&



FIRST TEAM

F - Octavius Spann (G'Town): Picked Hoyas for the great med school?
F - Fabio Nass (Miami FL): Baller slash model - not the other way around
C - Austen Powers (CS Northridge): Enter joke here about his mojo
G - DeWayne Reed (Auburn): "They call him The Pharmacist, folks!"
G - Tweety Carter (Baylor): Nicknamed for cries as a baby - not real

SECOND TEAM

F - McHugh Mattis (USF): Looks like this kid was ordered off a value menu
G - Parfait Bitee (Rhode Island): Imagine this kid serving you at Friendly's
G - Matt Coward (VCU): How did this kid survive childhood?
G - Mike Beers (Siena): Frat boys must love chanting his name at games
G - Shy Ely (E'ville): Brother: Shy-Quon; Sister: Shyra - enough already

THIRD TEAM

G - Athanassios Panagiotakopoulos (N. Colorado): This is just gibberish
G - Wink Adams (UNLV): Says in bio he's a Mama's boy - dog, we can tell
G - Woody Payne (Detroit): As if you didn't know, we are really immature
G - Richard Chaney (Troy): "Who wants to go hunting?.... Guys?"
G - Boo Ramsey (Troy): It would be a lot cooler if he was Boo Radley

Note: Special thanks to Isiah Thomas for helping us put the all-guard Third Team team together.

SHOWIN' FOUGAISIES HOW IT'S SUPPOSED 2 GO

OK, so we allowed ourselves to think about the possibility Lamar Odom was a Realests reader. But getting an e-mail like this is just a cold slap in the face:

shiitt, yo - like i have time to take a photo of myself on the internet?

i'm in the NBA, sonns...

all i got time for is blunts, bitches and ballin.

O

Yeah, whatever. Needless to say, this incident is now behind us.

And to think we had already started cutting out a floating Odom head to join our banner headline....

IS MAKING OUT WITH YOUR CREW GANGSTER?

It's been awhile, but I'm sure everyone remembers the Cash Money Billionaires (formerly the Cash Money Millionaires). They came on the scene with "Back That Ass Up", re-inventing rhyme by putting "yeah" or "ah" on the end of every bar.

Well now they are back.

Lil' Wayne has been in the news for ripping Jay-Z and his new album with Baby "The Birdman" entitled, "Like Father, Like Son."

We don't want to come across as homophobes, but we think this picture is a pretty tell-tale sign that rap is losing its damn mind:



That's right folks: that's Lil' Wayne and The Birdman making out (click on the photo to get a better look at the reactions from the dudes on the right).

Why, you ask?

Baby said it's just an example of their father-son relationship, while Lil' Wayne was much more poetic when he explained the situation to Complex magazine:

"I don't fault nobody for misunderstanding. I don't understand a lot of shit. Baby walked in the crib one day and was like, Everybody's doing this black mob shit. When I see you n*ggas, this is what we're gonna do.' And that's why you probably got a picture of me because I stuck with everything that man said. But every n*ggas dont that. I've done kissed (Juvenile and B.G.). No homo."

Lil' Wayne should have stuck with "drop it like it's hot" ...

IT'S TIME TO TURN TO THE HONOR SYSTEM

Didn't Urban Meyer look like a spoiled brat that had gotten his way tonight, with that little smirk on his face?

This is the third time in four years a team has gotten screwed out of the title game (USC, Auburn and now Michigan in 2006) and it's time to stop.

A playoff will never happen because the BCS doesn't want to penalize a team like Ohio State that went undefeated. It would destroy the "every week counts" idea and, to be fair, we would hate a playoff if we went undefeated.

We've devised a much better - and simpler - solution - it's called the honor system.

If two teams are within .02 of each other in the final BCS standings, here's what should happen. The coach of No. 3 should call the coach No. 2 in a conference call with reporters.

For example, this year Lloyd Carr would call Urban Meyer and politely extend an invitation to settle this on the field. If Meyer said yes, Michigan would have to travel to The Swamp and play the Gators next weekend. If Meyer said no, Lloyd would wish him luck in the BCS and call him a bitch.

Now if Ohio State wins the national title, then none of this matters. But if Florida goes on to win the national title, there would be an asterisk permanently next to their name in the NCAA record books that looked like this:

National Champion (Year):
USC (2004)
Texas (2005)
Florida (2006) *

* Cooters

Give us one flaw with this system...


* Cooter

PICK A HEADLINE TO DESCRIBE THIS FEELING

After reading this, which best fits?

A. "Blue-kkake: BCS blows it on M's face"

B. "Fuck the man - and by the man we mean Urban Meyer"

C. "It sucks to be a Michigan Wolverine"

D. "Buttfucked"

We're open to suggestions...

LLOYD CLAPS AT URBAN MEYER - FINALLY

It's about time someone put Urban Meyer in his place. That guy's been whining for weeks now, and even went on Sportscenter last night and said Michigan already had their shot at Ohio State. Normally, I would respect someone poppin' off like that - but not when you come off like a whiny bitch.

Lloyd's response on Michigan Replay:

"I think it's going to be a great controversy, I don't care who gets selected because I just think that based on some of the comments the Florida coach has made in the last two weeks -- campaigning strenuously for a berth in the championship game -- and making some statements about Michigan that I think were inappropriate."

A) We love how Lloyd just referred to him as "the Florida coach"

B) Maybe we should kick the shit out of Florida just for fun after beating Ohio State...


Michigan coaches: nothing but class...

ERIC MCNEAL 4 LIFE!

Who thinks we need to pool our money together, fly Eric McNeal to Ann Arbor and have him doing coke off a stripper's ass by tomorrow night?

The guy's a redshirt senior and what's to lose? The Emerald Bowl against Florida State?

That was the play of the century and McNeal will forever be a MICHIGAN MAN!


Eric: Drinks are on us anytime...

UPDATE: With Florida's win, we are in for the longest 20 hours in the history of sports news. And which genius is going to coin the phrase, "Yesterday, we saw all that was right with college football. Today, we're seeing all that's wrong with it." Our guess is Herbstreit.

Coke? Strippers? Willie Williams is down...

U-C (CLAP CLAP)! L-A (CLAP CLAP)!

A week after selling our souls and throwing our support behind Notre Dame, everyone in Michigan has turned into UCLA fans overnight.

Seeing as the Bruins have dropped 7 straight to USC and lost last season by 47 points, things aren't looking very good.

The only reasons we have hope are A) UCLA has to beat USC eventually (or not) and B) UCLA should have beaten Notre Dame at home (although that doesn't mean shit).

J. Brady said he is just hoping the game is close so that there is controversy about sending USC to the title game.

But what if USC pounds UCLA and there is no debate? What is left for Michigan fans to cheer for?

The answer: chaos. And it's still possible.

Here's how: If USC beats Ohio State in the title game and Boise State wins the Fiesta Bowl, well then there's only one unbeaten in college football left.

But that's not the case Boise State has. The case is that the Broncos and Trojans have one common opponent: Oregon State. Boise throttled the Beavers by 28 points, while USC lost.

Boise would still get the shaft like Auburn a couple years ago, but at least we could bitch about something with the BCS. Go blue.


If all else fails, cheer for Jared...