MORE 'YE

I know, I know. Can I write about anything else other than Kanye West? No. Stop reading this blog if you have a problem with it. I'm sure you'll be thoroughly entertained by some other idiot blogger that says stupid shit like "Internets" or "Interwebs."

Kanye was the musical guest on the season premiere of SNL. Our number one problem with SNL is that they take a good idea and drive it into the ground by making the skits way too long, doing iterations of the same joke. Wait, on second thought, our number one problem with SNL is that it isn't funny.

But this skit is pretty good (even though it falls into the iteration-length problem), especially because Kanye is good enough to mock himself. This is why I think his outbursts aren't any sort of ill-meaning behavior, but are just him getting carried away:



Plus, the freestyle at the end of this song is pretty good/bad (that's the way The Realests like it):

BACK LIKE COOKED CRACK

We love the Wu around these parts. Along with DMX, they were the soundtrack for our high school experience. In fact, they perfectly epitomize the grimy lifestyle that Jim and I experienced in high school. "Enter the 36 Chambers" is basically my autobiography from the ages of 15-19 minus the guns, crack, shootouts, Supreme Mathematics (although I did take AP Calc), projects, food stamps, arrests, trips to juvie, and kung fu flicks.

Anyway, there's a large segment of hip hop bloggers that are really anticipating Raekwon The Chef's "Only Built for Cuban Linx 2." Not me. I have "Only Built For Cuban Linx" on my iPod and to tell you the truth, I get bored every time I try and listen to it (except for "Rainy Dayz," that song is gangster).

Wait....I take back everything I just said because I just saw this picture on the internet:


This post really does a great job of explaining the genius behind the picture. But, for those of you that are slow, let's break it down for you: HE'S COVERED IN COCAINE AND INVOLVED IN A DEADLY SHOOTOUT WHILE LAYING ON THE GROUND.

Whoever is behind the marketing for this album needs to be promoted/fired immediately. Was there even a budget? Doesn't this look like something that Jim and I would have done?

Let's hope they put a little more effort into 8 Diagrams.

JOHNNY SEARS HEADED TO UW?

Late word out of Seattle that former Michigan cornerback Johnny Sears might transfer to Washington. This could be a perfect fit since no one in the Pac-10 plays any defense (zing!).

We wish Johnny all the best with this second chance. Best of luck next season covering Patrick Turner, Jaison Williams and the like in 2008.

Hopefully one day he can end up being the same kind of great comeback story that Kelly Baraka has turned into...

HAPPY TRAILS TO WILLIE WILLIAMS

(Editor's Note: Quick shout out to Charles and Scott Bell. We're really glad the first thing that comes to mind when people hear about a Willie Williams story is, "e-mail The Realests.")

This day was inevitable as death. It still doesn't make this announcement any easier: Louisville LB and Realest extraordinaire Willie Williams has been kicked off the Louisville football team for smoking the reefer.

Once again, we're begging Lloyd Carr to open the door for Big Willy Style to come to Michigan - if for nothing else, just to spite Jim Harbaugh.

Hang in there big guy!

"WHERE ARE WE AT IN SOCIETY TODAY?!?!"

I feel like Mike Gundy after seeing "Kid Nation" last night.

If you haven't seen the controversial show, the premise is basically slavery for children. It's pure evil. More evil than "Temptation Island" and "Are You Hot" combined.

In last night's episode, children as young as 8 chopped off a live chicken's head. Don't want to sound like soccer moms, but that's fucking fucked up.


OK, we'll come down off our soapbox, but stay tuned, folks. There's much more exploitation to come, including four kids that accidentally drink bleach and a girl that burns her face with cooking grease.

Due to tightened child labor laws as a result of the show, there's even talk of it going overseas next season (no, seriously) where they'll be free to work in textile factories and iron smelts.

Yippee, hooray!!!

Here's Little Cletus to explain:

KANYE VS. 50 VS.... HEIDI?

If Kanye sold 957,000 in his first week and 50 sold 691,000, let's put the over/under on Heidi Montag's new album at 1.2 million. You can double that figure if it includes a bonus DVD of her birthday bash (below).

We haven't seen lip-syncing this bad since, well, the VMAs. Gotta love Spencer Pratt "raising the roof" and trying to hype up Perez Hilton in the background to no avail, as Perez still gives the "puke" signal at the end.

O.J. SIMPSON IS NON-STOP COMEDY

Two O.J. jokes in the last three days were so funny they left me gasping for air.

#1: This post on The Superficial with the title: "O.J. Simpson is a creature of habit - and murder, don't forget murder"

#2: Conan O'Brien on tonight's show: "Apparently, O.J. Simpson has a DVD coming out called Juiced in which he pulls pranks on people like the show Punk'd. His favorite prank? To jump out and murder people."

It just never gets old.

REALESTS: TEN WORST FOOTBALL COACHES

People always talk about how bad football coaches have it these days. Psychotic fans setting up web sites calling for their heads. Getting criticized around the clock with the “24-hour news cycle.”

Well riddle me this: How come there are still so many bad ones? Inspired by the Chargers’ complete meltdown in Green Bay on Sunday, we count down the 10 worst football coaches in DI-A and the NFL:

10. Jim Harbaugh
Team: Stanford Cardinal
Career Record: 30-8 (includes record from coaching at San Diego)
Why? Cuz we said so! OK, so maybe he doesn’t deserve to be on this list. But we really enjoyed seeing Stanford score 28 unanswered points against Oregon just to get blown out in the end.

9. Tom Coughlin
Team: New York Giants
Career Record: 97-89
The Giants have tuned out Coughlin since the midway point of last season. After losing 7 of their last 9 games in 2006, the Giants started out the ’07 campaign by giving up 80 points in two crushing defeats. Don’t be fooled by Washington’s collapse on Sunday, Coughlin will be gone at season’s end.

8. Karl Dorrell
Team: UCLA Bruins
Career Record: 29-20
This guy just won’t go away. After going sub-.500 in his first two seasons, a 10-2 record in 2005 saved his job. Last season he saved it again by beating No. 1 USC, only to follow it up by laying an egg in the Emerald Bowl against Florida State. After a 44-6 loss to Utah, look for the Bruins to get hammered in the Pac-10 this season.

7. Brent Guy
Team: Utah State Aggies
Career Record: 4-23
Even the Utah State SID can barely put a positive spin on this “guy:”: While the first-year record of 3-8 in 2005 and the year two mark of 1-11 in 2006 may not seem like an improvement, the level of play and quality of athletes showed signs of being “Better Than Before.” Yikes. Is that the best you can do? After an 0-4 start this year, the PR machine better be in full effect.

6. Pat Fitzgerald
Team: Northwestern Wildcats
Career Record: 6-11
Giving the job to a 31-year old was absolutely ludicrous. Now in his second season, Fitzgerald is clearly in way over his head after falling to Duke and trailing Ohio State 45-0 at the half. Of anyone on this list, Fitzgerald deserves the biggest break considering the circumstances he took over the team. But don’t expect Purple Power in Pasadena anytime soon.

5. Herm Edwards
Team: Kansas City Chiefs
Career Record: 50-53
We love how Herm jumped ship with the New York Jets for greener pastures, when he probably would’ve been fired at this point anyway. A “players’ coach,” the guy looked like a complete pushover on HBO’s Hard Knocks. And just three games in, Larry Johnson has already turned on him after picking up just 150 yards total. Does anyone notice the Chiefs have scored 26 points all season? Pathetic. Hey Herm, why do we play the game?



4. Butch Jones
Team: Central Michigan Chippewas
Career Record: 1-3
Granted, following in the footsteps of Brian Kelly ain’t nothing nice. That guy will be coaching a major program soon. But taking a team that won the MAC Championship with record-setting quarterback Dan LeFevour and getting hammered 44-14 last weekend to North Dakota State at home? That’s inexcusable. Right now, Jones looks like the Norv Turner of college football.

3. Greg Robinson
Team: Syracuse Orange
Career Record: 6-21
For the love of Paul Pasqualoni! That guy was bad, this guy is a disaster. We have no idea how Robinson pulled the Louisville victory out of his ass. In their first three games, the ‘Cuse was outscored 32-118 to Washington, Iowa and Illinois. Let’s hope last week’s win sparks a miraculous turnaround because we’re still pulling for our boy, Max Miesel.

2. Dave Wannstedt
Team: Pitt Panthers
Career Record: 95-98
It seems like an old NFL coach just has to show up to be successful in college. Even Al Groh is 3-1! But despite top-flight recruiting classes every year, Wannstedt finds ways to lose. The Panthers lost their last 5 games in 2006 and are 2-2 this year after getting hammered by UConn, 34-14. Hey, maybe if Big Dave drops down to high school he’ll be successful? We hear there’s an opening at Hoover High.

1. Norv Turner
Team: San Diego Chargers
Career Record: 59-84-1
This man is a curse. People like Troy Aikman can make all the excuses they want for Norv (i.e. even Gibbs can’t win in Washington, no one can win in Oakland), but destroying a Super Bowl contender in 3 weeks? That’s just mind-boggling. Even with four guaranteed wins over the Raiders and Chiefs, it will be a miracle if the Chargers make the playoffs.


Dishonorable Mention:
- Charlie Weis (Notre Dame) – Outscored 27-133 in first 4 games.
- Joe Paterno (Penn State) – Nine straight losses to Lloyd. 'Nuff said.
- Bobby Bowden (Florida State) – Daggumit!
- Al Groh (Virginia) – A very deceiving 3-1. Put up 3 points at Wyoming.
- Mike Stoops (Arizona) – Time to head back to Norman.
- Scott Linehan (Rams) – Where’d the offense go?
- Brad Childress (Vikings) – Tarvaris Jackson: QB of the future? Bad idea.

(Update: Keep in mind these are only current coaches. Obviously John L. Smith would be #1 otherwise.

We firmly stand by Paterno and Bowden on this list. They WERE great coaches but come on: Paterno's had 4 losing seasons since 2000 and Bowden's teams get worse every year.

As for Franchione, he's one more performance like last week's away from this list. Kragthorpe too.)

REALESTS GUARANTEE: LES HEADED HOME

We're going to just go ahead and clear this whole mess up: Les Miles will be Michigan's head coach on Aug. 30, 2008 for the opener against Utah (someone get on the 338 days countdown clock).

Go write it down, this is a guarantee (we're talking a Mike Hart guarantee, not some flimsy Rasheed Wallace guarantee).

Here's 10 reasons why (Editor's note: This play should be one of the reasons alone but alas, it is not):

Reason #1: Lloyd Carr will retire despite finishing the season strong. We don't know if Michigan is going to win the Big 10, but it's certainly between us, Wisconsin and Ohio State. Even if we manage to finish 2nd, Carr will look at this year as a huge success and go out saying that he's never been prouder of a group of players. And let's face it: Carr is 62, going on about 80. Seeing him speak at a press conference is painful. We don't know if the rampant rumors of his health decline are true, but either way, he looks exhausted.

Reason #2: There is no one else. Still not convinced Miles is a great game coach? Neither are we. Too bad. Name one person even qualified for the job with Michigan connections. Jim Harbaugh's been ostrocized. Panthers defensive coordinator Mike Trgovac has been in the NFL for 10 years. Some people are holding out hope Michigan will be crazy enough to go outside the program. That will never happen. Even if it did, who's available? Rich Rodriguez? Jeff Tedford? Hey, what about Rich Brooks or Brian Kelly? Or - dare I say it - Bill Cowher! Get real, people.

Reason #3: People outside of Ann Arbor have no clue the loyalty Michigan Men have to their school (except for Jim Harbaugh of course, who will throw UM under the bus at any given moment). To any former UM player, the Michigan coaching job is considered holy. Not to sensationalize the death of Bo, but now more than ever, Miles must feel like it's his destiny to come home.

Reason #4: The talk of a $1.25 million buyout stopping this deal is absurd. We just paid double that for John Beilein who a) coaches basketball, which no one cares about b) has great credentials that will pale in comparison to Miles by the end of this season and c) has no Michigan connection. The money will just have to come out of "Dollar" Bill Martin's slush fund for his latest real estate project.

Reason #5: Speaking of Bill Martin, he knows his legacy depends on this hire. It’s just so easy to make fun of Bill Martin. The real estate mogul can’t stopping drilling in Ann Arbor while each of the major sports slump. And he’s already been widely criticized for hiring Tommy Amaker and Cheryl Burnett (granted, Rich Maloney was an absolute steal). Bill might as well hand Les a blank check. Despite coming across as a blow hard, he can be a real charmer when he gets you one-on-one. Ask anyone except Lloyd Carr: Coaches LOVE him.

Reason #6: Michigan-Ohio State is the greatest rivalry in sports - Period. People keep saying Miles should stay at LSU because "there's no Ohio State." That's outrageous. Ohio State is part of what makes Michigan one of, if not the greatest coaching job in America. You don't think it drives Miles crazy he went 0-3-1 against the Buckeyes during his time here? You don't think he's dying for a chance to be apart of THE GAME. LSU doesn't even have a clear cut arch-rival.

Reason #7: No one in the mainstream media will say this, but it's a cold, hard fact: Baton Rouge is a dump. Have you ever been to Louisiana? We have. It's a cesspool. There's a dirty little secret about the South: It's extremely poor, backward and racist (OK, the last one isn't a secret). Not exactly the place you'd want to raise your kids. We're a little biased, but name a better college town in America than Ann Arbor, Michigan. Just compare The Arb to LSU's version, Cypress Swamp (pictured). Breath-taking, isn't it?

Reason #8: Jim Tressel - that's right, Jim Tressel. Tressel came to Ohio State in a very similar situation and with a 5-1 record over Michigan and one national title, and is now a demigod in Columbus. As a Cbus native, I know Tressel has already had to move once to ensure more privacy because of all the Bucknuts honking past his house and knocking on the door. Not that Miles wouldn't be worshiped in Louisiana, but the idea of "resurrecting" his old program is just too tempting. Just like Tressel is becoming the next Woody, Miles could be the next Bo.

Reason #9: Playing for national championships. We doubt this would factor into his decision, but the Michigan job is also better than LSU’s because you have a better chance of playing for the national championship. At Michigan, you have to survive one tough nonconference game (Notre Dame or other), one tough Big Ten game (Iowa, Wisconsin or Penn State) and THE GAME. With Nick Saban added to the mix, the SEC is an absolute bloodbath with competitors like Florida, Tennessee, Auburn, Alabama, Georgia and Arkansas. And then there’s the SEC Championship Game. Like Ohio State has proven, a Big 10 power can play for the national title every 5 years. You can’t say that about the SEC.

Reason #10: Miles' wife, Kathy, will get the hook-up. A former UM women's basketball coach, no doubt she'd love to get involved in the athletic department while she's at Michigan. Bill Martin would surely be happy to oblige, just like Dr. Stephanie Pinder-Amaker just-so-happened to become the Associate Dean of Students at Michigan during Tommy's tenure.


Now there's some food for thought - you do the dishes.

MICHIGAN AND THE TRANSITIVE THEORY

Not to rain on everyone's parade after beating Penn State, but Appalachian State's loss to Wofford just came across the Bottom Line. Let's just do some quick math here:

Appalachian State 34, Michigan 32
Wofford 42, Appalachian State 31
N.C. State 38, Wofford 17

We can't count that high, but does that mean we're worse than N.C. State? Oh yeah, that should pretty much cement Sept. 1 as the greatest upset in the history of college football.

ABC STEALS FROM THE REALESTS

We'd just like to point out that ABC COMPLETELY jacked info for an Aflac trivia question we posted nearly a year ago without any mention of The Realests.

We let it slide when Mike & The Mad Dog jacked this gem before Super Bowl XLI, but this is absolutely preposterous!

As for Aflac - screw 'em. Any Aflac customer that is a true Realests reader will cancel their life insurance immediately.

Die duck, die.

IS TOMMY AMAKER THE SECOND COMING?

We've got a feeling the Harvard basketball team is going to be the butt of many jokes this season. Call it a hunch.

GoCrimson.com is making The Michigan of the East an easier target with this Jesus-like photo of Tommy Amaker on its men's basketball page promoting Harvard's Coaches Clinic.

That's right, folks: For just $65 a person, you can learn the "Fist Defense" and the "Swirly Finger Offense" from the man himself! Hurry up and buy!

We're calling the Harvard Athletic Department first thing Monday to see if we can get a packaged deal for the clinic (Oct. 28) and Michigan game (Dec. 1). See you in Boston, fools.

IS TINA FEY HOT??

I have to ask that question every time something about 30 Rock comes on television. We're split on the answer right now (I think humor and personality make a woman more attractive, but Jim looks only at boobs and rear ends - but, she's got a cute face, right?), but there is one thing that is clear: 30 Rock is funny. And Tracy Morgan is the reason why it's funny. In honor of 30 Rock winning the Emmy for Best Comedy and more in honor of Tracy Morgan bitchslapping Jimmy Fallon, here's a great compilation of Tracy Morgan's moments from 30 Rock (unfortunately it doesn't have either the cornbread line or the mentor-manatee line):



If you didn't laugh at that, you're an idiot.

But I do partially disagree with what Morgan said about Fallon. Here's a skit where Fallon's cracking up from the get go, but it's still hilarious. It probably has more to do with Debbie Downer being hilarious.

THE COUGAR SPEAKS

What, you thought this story would go away?

The Daily Cougar came up with a clutch interview of the Houston mascot that got pummeled a couple weeks back by the Oregon Duck. As if he wasn't going to get enough shit, it turns out Matt Stolt is actually a walk-on receiver on the UH football team.

Yikes.

Says Stolt: "I mean, to be on a football team, which is considered a manly sport, and to see videos of me getting beat up by a duck, of course it's going to be a little embarrassing."

We guess his teammates can't laugh too hard since they did get their own ass beat, 48-27. But at least their opponent wasn't wearing a Donald Duck costume.

Even better?

His quote about last week's game against Tulane: "To tell the truth, the Tulane mascot came out for the first part of the game and disappeared [after that]. He might have been scared..."

Scared? Of you? That's going straight on Riptide's bulletin board for basketball season...

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Is Oscar De La Hoya the new Britney Spears? We'll be looking for the Golden Boy among tonight's she-males on Channel 35...

Editor's note: No homo times 10 for this post.

GRADUATED AT THE TOP OF THE CLASS

Kanye merked 50 in record sales this week. No surprise at all - but I was hoping that he'd have gone platinum in the first week out. He should have convinced Jay to buy the 43,000 cds that would have put him over the top. That's a drop in the bucket for Young Turbo.


Speaking of Hov, he popped up on the remix to 50's "I Got Money" on Monday. He and Puffy drop guest verses on easily the best song on "Curtis." 50 is 50 (aggressive and ready to kill you while talking about money), Diddy is Diddy (rhyming awfully, but it's amazing that he's still relevant after 10 years of doing nothing!), and Jay is Jay. Every time Jay comes on a track there's a sense that it's about to become an event. You can't say that about too many people nowadays.

Anyway, Jay speaks on the remix here. And also talks about Kanye's project. Probably the most interesting part of the interview is the fact that he was supposed to be on "Barry Bonds." As I've said before, Bonds is one of the songs on the album that I haven't been able to fully endorse yet, even though it grows on me with every listen. If Jay was on the track, my slurping of Graduation would have been even more pronounced. It would probably reach the point where I would actually take the cd behind the middle school and get it pregnant. More importantly, if Jay was supposed to be on the track, it showcases Kanye's effort to bridge gaps in the rap community. On "Late Registration" everyone made a big deal about how Kanye sequenced the Diamonds Remix (featuring Jay) right before We Major (featuring Nas). They thought it was a symbolic and subtle end to the very pronounced beef that the Jay and Nas had over the years. Well, if Ye was about to put Jay and Lilweezyana on a song together, the same thing would have been said - especially after Wayne's running off at the mouth this year about being the greatest rapper alive (and his subsequent backtracking...but whatever). But it is disappointing that Jay said that he didn't get on the remix because it was too late in the day...What the fuck does that mean?? The CD got pushed back for a month because the artwork took time to finish and Hov couldn't get in the studio for 30 minutes to get his Rain Man on and spit a verse. Weak.

THE FIRST AMENDMENT

Not sure if the 1st Amendment applies to campus police, but this is definitely on some brutality shit too.

Kerry should be ashamed of himself for letting this shit happen in front of his eyes.

SEARS' TRAIL OF TEARS

I believe Varun's words when he found out junior Johnny Sears was one of our starting corners were, "This can only end badly."

And it did.

Just three weeks into the season, The Detroit News is reporting Sears is off the team in classic Lloyd Carr fashion: Zero explanation. At least they didn't peg him with a fake injury (i.e. Matt Gutierrez, Phil Brabbs, etc., etc.) Sears has instead chosen the Jim Boccher route and just disappeared into thin air.

It's really hard to hate Michigan at a time like this.

In fact, he's already be wiped off MGoBlue. He lists himself as a Michigan alum on Facebook, which is odd since he should be about 32 credits short right now. Harbaugh would have an absolute field day with that one....

But that's neither here nor there. Please take a moment of silence to watch this tribute to Johnny:

IS RUSSELL CROWE A MICHIGAN MAN?

Can this season get any more bizarre?

How about Russell giving a shout out to the Michigan cheerleaders? Apparently "Michigan Hot" is nowhere near as bad as "Australian Hot."

Screw Cinderella Man - we need Russell to get dressed up in his Gladiator gear and give the pre-game speech for Ohio State.

If Lloyd goes out screaming, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?!?!?!?" even the Appalachian State loss will be forgiven.

GRADUATION

I love Kanye West's new cd so much that I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.


Originally, I had pre-ordered it on iTunes and I was so excited that I planned on staying up til about 3 in the morning on Monday night so that I could download the cd at the first possible moment, listen to it, and then fall asleep. From that last sentence you should easily figure out that my life has become more pathetic than you could even imagine.

Late on Monday afternoon, I decided to cancel the pre-order. I realized that I wanted the actual cd. So I decided to go to the Virgin Store in Union Square early on Tuesday morning to buy the actual compact disc. Since about 10 AM on Tuesday morning, the cd is all I've listened to. It's occupied my every thought. It's that good.

Sure, maybe I'm going overboard. I have a tendency to do that when I like something alot. Take my recent obsession with Las Vegas. I've been watching 2-3 episodes a day and at this point am ready to declare it the best show on television. In fact, I'm thinking about staying in on Friday, September 28th so that I can watch the 2 hour season premiere (!)

Anyway, before I actually start talking about the cd itself, I should preface my review with a few thoughts. First, Kanye is probably my favorite rapper out right now. This might have more to do with other rappers sucking than with Kanye being that good. It's become disgustingly easy for me to rattle off a list of disappointments that my rap favorites have graced me with: Kingdom Come, Hip Hop Is Dead, Tru3 Magic. Even Game Theory and Hell Hath No Fury haven't lived up to the weight of repeat listens. Now, given that last sentence, maybe it's true that I'm jumping the gun on Graduation being great given that I've only listened to it for 3 days. But, in my defense, both College Dropout and Late Registration have consistently grown on me to the point where both of those albums remain in heavy rotation on my iPod. Second, I fought tooth and nail with myself not to listen to a leak of the album before it came out. I wanted to have that "wow-this-album-came-out-today-and-I've-only-listened-to-the-singles" feeling that I used to have in high school. While I like Game Theory and Hell Hath a lot both of those cds were diminished a little by the fact that I had heard so many of there songs before the album came out as a whole.

The overwhelming impression that the CD gives on the first listen is one of consistency. None of the songs really jump out at you as club bangers (exception, Stronger). Dropout and Registration both had a few songs (Through the Wire, Gold Digger) that you knew would be immediate hits. But they had their fair share of clunkers also (Breathe In Breathe Out, Bring Me Down). Graduation is different in that its completeness is an absolute strength - there's no inane skits, no overbloated guest appearances, no excess orchestration. The song quality is incredibly consistent. But that's not to say that all the songs are the same. There's a broad range - songs heavy on soul sample, piano loops, electronic samples, synths. It's a testament to Kanye's willingness to push the boundaries of what can be included in hip hop while still making hip hop music.

Here are my highlights on the album: I love the fact that the beat on "Good Morning" actually sounds like the morning feels. It's a perfect song to wake up to. On "Champion," I enjoy the part where the girl comes in and sings. I'm not a huge fan of the chorus, though. "Stronger" is great - the drums have been changed - but thankfully Kanye decided not to change any of the lyrics. On a side note, I'm sick and tired of hearing people complain about his lyrics. He has his fair share of clunkers, but he's never claimed to be a great lyricist. Plus, referencing Klondike bars and lesbians on back to back lines is genius. "I Wonder" starts to become good at the start of the third verse when Kanye gets rid of the stilted flow and starts to build some momentum with his voice. "Good Life" is one of my favorite songs on the album. I love when drops the beat and says "more ass than the models." I love the video. I love the Michael Jackson sample. And I really enjoyed the MTV VMA performance for the song. I originally hated "Can't Tell Me Nothin'," but it's grown on me steadily. Plus, the fact that he brought Jeezy in just to record adlibs is pretty genius. I'm still not sold on "Barry Bonds" mostly because I don't like Weezy that much, but the organ in the song is pretty ominous and foreboding. "Drunk and Hot Girls" is by far the most out there song on the album and it's almost unbearably slow. But I haven't skipped it yet on a listen through and the lyrics are pretty fantastic. For example, "Don't tell me you a singer/ you about to get a deal / aaagh aaagh aaagh aaagh / that's how the fuck you sound." Does it rhyme? No. Does it make any sense? No. Does it work perfectly? Yes. "Flashing Lights" is a song that I have absolutely no feelings about either way yet. "Everything I Am" and "Glory" are my two favorite songs on the album. The former sounds a little like "Guess Who's Back" while "Glory" sounds a little like "I.Z.Z.O." I think Kanye is at his best when the beats are dominated either by piano or strings. Both of these songs hit the spot. "Homecoming" is a completed and mastered version of "Home" which was originally on the College Dropout Advance. The verses of the songs are identical, but the choruses and beats are completey different. I loved the original version of "Home" with the soul sample and John Legend singing the chorus and was disappointed when I found out that this version would be different. But I still equally likehttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif the more piano based and Chris Martin-sung version on this album. But it's weird when he starts yodelling on the chorus. "Big Brother" is a song about Jay-Z. You thought that I wouldn't like it??

Reading through the last paragraph, I realized that I didn't do the cd justice. But I'm not about to go back and delete it because 1) it's a lot of words and 2) it took me a while to write. The one main thing to say about the album is that you can tell that Kanye tried on it. And, like I've said before, at this point in time all I ask out of rappers is that they try. He tried to make an album that was both overreaching and well within itself. He tried to explore his sonic palate and he also tried to step up his lyricism. He succeeded on all fronts.

So, go buy the cd. And even if you don't like Kanye that much, you have to like him more than you like 50 Cent.

If you want to read much better and more polished reviews of the album, click here here here or here. And this reviewer doesn't have a damn clue what they're talking about.

TEN MOST MISERABLE LLOYD CARR MOMENTS

As Michigan fans, we always talk about how tough we've got it. How many times have you heard someone say, "Only Michigan"? The thing is, it's true. I don't want to hear people talk about how we've been to 3 of the last 4 Rose Bowls and how most schools would kill to go 7-5, as we did in 2005.

We are tortured souls. Period.

And to prove it, we're counting down the most painful, gut-wrenching, "I want to punch myself in the face" moments during Lloyd Carr's illustrious 13 years as our football coach.

Warning: This can be difficult to digest all at once. Steer clear of sharp objects and ledges.

10. "Forget the Alamo" - 2005 Alamo Bowl (Dec. 28, 2005)
After blowing an 11-point lead to Nebraska and (gasp!) Bill Callahan, Michigan tricks Big Red into thinking the game is over before Tyler Ecker streaks down the sideline for a potential game-winning touchdown. Even with only 2 Huskers still playing, Big Blue still can't score; Ecker runs out of bounds as time expires instead of lateraling the to a wide-open Steve Breaston.



9. "Dorsch is a Douche" - Michigan at Purdue (Oct. 7, 2000)
After storming out to a commanding 28-10 halftime lead led by Drew Henson, A-Train and David Terrell, Carr inexplicably goes into conservative mode the entire second half. Michigan scores just 3 more points, but the Wolverines appear to escape with the victory after Travis Dorsch yanks a 32-yard field goal wide left with just 2:11 to go. Undeterred, the Michigan offense goes 3-and-out, handing the ball right back to Drew Brees. With four seconds to go, Dorsch connects from 33-yards out for the win.

8. "A-Train Derailed" - Michigan at Northwestern (Nov. 4, 2000)
Let's stay within the 2000 season. Three weeks after the Purdue debacle, another Michigan opponent hands Big Blue a victory. An apparent game-winning touchdown on fourth down was called back on a penalty and then NU's Damien Anderson drops a touchdown pass on fourth down with almost no time left. Instead of falling down after he picks up the necessary first down to run out the clock, Anthony Thomas fumbles the ball, leading to a Northwestern TD. As always, Michigan's last shot is extremely anti-climatic: A 57-yard field-goal attempt in which Johnny Cakes pulls "a Romo."

7. "The Donovan Show" - Michigan vs. Syracuse (Sept. 12, 1998)
Classic Michigan. How do the Wolverines come out in 1998 after winning the national championship? By losing its first two games. This is now universally known as the game people realized Michigan can't handle black quarterbacks. Donovan McNabb led the 'Cuse to a 24-0 lead. Although Michigan only lost by 10 (38-28), it was never close. McNeezy ran circles around Michigan's defense, racking up 60 yards rushing and 233 yards passing. For those looking for positives, Michigan did turn their 0-2 start into a 10-3 season. We'll see if history repeats itself.

6. "Illinihilated" - Michigan vs. Illinois (Oct. 23, 2000)
Up 27-7 over perennial doormat Illinois with 18 minutes remaining, Carr decided to hit the snooze button on the Illini. Led by Kurt Kittner and Rocky Harvey, Illinois scores 28 unanswered points that concludes with a 59-yard pass to Harvey for a TD. Michigan has one last chance to tie the game, but Tom Brady (yes, we even turned that guy into a loser) threw an interception on the goal line. We should point out Illinois fumbled and Big Blue got 2 points out of it! The next week Illinois lost by 20 at home to Penn State.

5. "Tressel Takes Over" - Michigan vs. Ohio State (Nov. 24, 2001)
Who can forget Tressel's guarantee: "I can assure you that you will be proud of your young people in the classroom, in the community and most especially in 310 days in Ann Arbor, Michigan"? We laughed at the time. The joke was on us after Jermaine Gonzales came in at quarterback only to let the ball sail over his head for a safety. Michigan trailed 23-0 at the half and a Marquise Walker dropped ball sealed the 26-20 OSU victory. Tressel is now going for his 6th win over Michigan in 7 tries.

4. "The Jug-ular" - Michigan vs. Minnesota (Oct. 8, 2005)
Just trying to run out the clock on 3rd and long with under a minute remaining, Gary Russell broke loose for a 61-yard run aided by multiple missed tackles. Jason Giannini hits a 30-yard field goal with one second left, forcing Michigan fans to watch Glen Mason celebrate the Little Brown Jug at The Big House. Disgusting. Almost as disgusting as his fake tan.

3. "Sitting Ducks" - Michigan vs. Oregon (Sept. 8, 2007)
If the Appalachian State game is the day Michigan football died, the Oregon game is when we got our ashes pissed on. Is there really any need to go over this? Coming off a 7-6 season, Oregon racked up 624 yards of total offense and drubbed Big Blue 39-7. The game easily could have been 56-7 if it weren't for careless errors in the second half.

2. "Rocky Bottom" - 2001 Citrus Bowl (Jan. 1, 2001)
This game was an epiphany for two reasons: It's when Ann Arbor officially turned on Lloyd Carr and the country realized Michigan was really, really slow. After the Ohio State debacle, Casey Clausen ripped the Michigan secondary for almost 400 yards passing and 3 TDs. We still have nightmares of big whitey Jason Witten outrunning Cato June for a 64-yard touchdown catch.

1. "Appalanche" - Michigan vs. Appalachian State (Sept. 1, 2007)
Pick a title: The Biggest Upset in College Football History. The Day Michigan Football Died. Balls in our Mouth. In typical Michigan fashion, the potential game-winning field goal hits an Appalachian State player in the chest, ending a game that will haunt Michigan fans forever.



Dishonorable Mention:
- 2001 Michigan State loss (26-24): LeSueur throws the game away.
- 2002 Iowa loss (34-9): Markus Curry throws the game away.
- 2006 Ohio State loss (25-21): The entire 'D' throws the game away.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

If it's any consolation, the Oregon Ducks mascot has been suspended one game.... for kicking the Houston Cougars' ass:

CAUGHT PLAYING WITH HIS DICK-KA

The Dude really has a nose for crazy shit that goes down on Monday Night Football. First it was the crazy inflatable Atlanta Falcon, now it's Mike Ditka playing with his thingy in the booth. We'd like to point out the horror on Mike Greenberg's face.

Maybe MNF can be saved, after all...

REALEST TV

Las Vegas is the best show on television. Here's 3 reasons why:


































But here's the reason why Jim loves the show:

LLOYD CARR: BAD CASE OF LOSER DENIAL

Someone please stop Lloyd Carr the next time he goes on his well-rehearsed spiel: "We can either fold it up, or we can fight back!"

It's pretty much the same speech he's given for every loss we can remember. Note to Lloyd: Losing 39-7 means your team folded it up.

Even more pathetic, if Michigan somehow finds a way to beat Notre Dame (a big if...), Lloyd's going to talk about how he's never been prouder of a group of football players and never seen anything like the adversity and ridicule they've gone through in the last two weeks. Please spare us.

Hopefully it doesn't take a parking cone up the ass for Lloyd to get the message.

We'd much rather see Lloyd pull a John L. Smith and throw the entire team under the bus like he did after last year's Illinois game ("That’s the way we practiced, what you saw. We can’t get them to go. Apparently I don’t have the answer. Can’t get them to go hard in practice.")

M NOTES:

Nike Conspiracy Theory: We'd like to point out our newest conspiracy theory: Has anyone noticed that the downfall of Michigan football just-so-happens to come right after we turned our backs on Nike? Don't worry, The Realests are already looking into large cash transactions between the Henne family and Phil Knight.

Now 0-4 since Bo's death, people are now talking about how that might not be a coincidence - but that's just offensive.

It's Britney, Bitch: Toss up. Who's more out of touch with reality (and realety, for that matter...) right now: The Michigan Football Team or Britney Spears? Someone stop this woman.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

After seeing this last night on ESPN, we were just waiting for someone to put it on YouTube. ESPN was kind enough to put the video online themselves.

We loved the loosened tie, dimmed lighting atmosphere. Unfortunately, we are all now dumber from listening to this speech. "You're wife just ran off with the drummer"? Lou you can't be serious.

Wonder if Lloyd will put this on before the game.

Lou, let's leave the poetic speeches to Hollywood.

NO HOMO

For some reason a guy that makes out with other dudes has set the industry standard on making it clear you aren't a homo. Everyone here has seen "When Being Real Goes Wrong." Well this is when "No Homo Goes Wrong." Enjoy.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

Just hours ago we voiced our concern realety was dead.

Have no fear - Darko is here.

We didn't post his tirade earlier because we thought the translation provided had to be a joke. But now that it's been plastered everywhere, we're just running with it. After Darko's Serbian team lost to Greece, Darko went ape shit and said this according to the AOL Fanhouse:

"I will find the referees, murder them and then [expletive] their daughters."

Take a look for yourself:



With Leather has two other interpretations.

We still find this hard to believe. I mean, wouldn't at least some of the reporters start cracking up and laugh, or at least gasp?

Just because it's Darko, we're gonna give him the benefit of the doubt until we are told otherwise.

WEEZY F. BABY SUED FOR MAKING IT RAIN

It's time like these when being real appears on the verge of extinction.

Lil' Wayne - a.k.a. Weezy F. Baby, Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., Birdman Jr., The Best Rapper Alive - is being sued for, of all things, making it rain.

It'd be one thing if he pulled a Pacman Jones, but this is absurd. From the AP:

"Tyrique Layne was a 17-year-old freshman at Morgan State when she attended the show. According to the lawsuit, someone — either Lil' Wayne or members of his entourage — threw money into the crowd during the rapper's performance, a stunt known as "making it rain."

Layne alleges in the suit, filed Tuesday in Baltimore Circuit Court, that she was trampled, lost consciousness and suffered a "serious closed head injury" that required hospitalization. She has suffered since from memory loss, lapses in concentration and frequent and severe headaches, according to the complaint."

She's suing for $1 million. Typical freshman move, like getting too wasted during Welcome Week and getting your stomach pumped. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

GREATEST PORNO PARODIES OF ALL TIME

There's a lot of creative geniuses in porno films that for some reason or another couldn't hack it in Hollywood. You don't think it chaps their asses when they see studios greenlight "John Tucker Must Die" or "Who's Your Caddy"?

Well it's about time these filmmakers got some respect. Nowhere is their brilliance more evident than the titles of their movies, often rip-offs of box office hits.

As a tribute to their work, we present the Top 10 Porn Parodies of All Time.

Editor's Note: Sadly, Saving Ryan's Privates is not porn, it's a comedy. Otherwise it would certainly be on this list.

10. Starship Poopers
"That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life!"

9. Man on the Poon
No wonder he's smiling...

8. Whore of the Worlds
Enter Paris Hilton joke here.

7. The Bare Wench Project
"No map. No food. No clothes." Brilliant.

6. The Blown Ranger
An old school classic.

5. Saturday Night Beaver
How is the tagline not, "Catch the beaver..."?

4. Edward Penishands
Tim Burton is really kicking himself for not thinking of this.

3. Robocock
Rattner's personal favorite.

2. Drilling Miss Daisy
Let's hope they picked a younger actress to play Miss Daisy.

1. Honey, I Blew Everybody
Wow. You just can't compete with that.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DIZZLER

We'd take a second to explain who Tony Ding is, but the man's reputation precedes himself. We'll just say he is the finest photog in the history of The Michigan Daily.

Why do we mention this? Because a picture he took during the Appalachian State-Michigan game is the new cover of Sports Illustrated. Take a look:


You don't need us to tell you that having the cover of SI is the Holy Grail of sports photo journalism. What can you say? The man has a magic touch.

Congrats also to former sports staffer Kyle O'Neill, who just started his own blog for the Freep and will do battle with the Daily's evil nemesis, Jim Carty.

THE REAL MANGINIUS: MARK MANGINO

It's nice to see a coach get fired up for a change (keep in mind KU won the game, 52-7):



By the way, who is this Jamie Brown dude running our special teams? His last job was in the Arena League and he's been a high school and college umpire for 11 years. Didn't we learn our lesson from Jim Boccher?

P.S. Honestly, how does a man of Mangino's size wipe his ass? It must be downright impossible...

"IT'S BRITNEY, BITCH"

Has there ever been a greater comeback line?



Britney's back!

APPALANCHE!!!!

I've been busy sunbathing with spider monkeys off the coast of Costa Rica for the past two weeks (Get better soon, Owen Wilson), so I just found out that Michigan lost to Appalachian State. What a relief! Instead of a let down in the middle or end of the season, now we can start all the "Lloyd needs to go" and "Bill Martin/Michigan is complacent" talk right now. All you bitchers and moaners should be happy about that because - and, let's face it - you guys don't want to see Michigan win. Instead of getting to the root of the problem, you'd rather bitch about it. Well, not me. I've spent the last 12 hours doing intense research - making phone calls, watching the game film - and I've pinpointed the only three possible reasons for the Appalanche that destroyed our football program.

Reason #1: Racism

The simple fact is that our coaching staff might be racist. Hasn't everyone noticed that we have trouble with athletic black quarterbacks?? Maybe it's because we underestimate their skill and decision-making ability. I know what you're going to say - "Isn't our defensive coordinator, Ron English, black?" Yes, he is. But that doesn't mean that he along with everyone else on the team isn't racist.


Here's the evidence. What do these quarterbacks all have in common? Kordell Stewart. Brad Banks. Donovan McNabb. Troy Smith. Armanti Edwards. Answer? They're all black. And they've all beaten the crap out of Michigan. Here's some more evidence. Name the last minority Michigan quarterback to start a game. That's right, you can't think of one under the recent coaching staff. Finally, think of the number of minority quarterbacks that we've scared away. That's right - 2 (Jermaine "Juan" Gonzalez and Matt Guttierez).

In fact, we have it from a good source (who we will not name) that the whole Michigan Affirmative Action Supreme Court Case was a mere diversion to take the focus off the stereotypical and outdated mindset of our football team.

What's the solution to all this you ask? The Realests should be hired as the next coaches of the football team. After countless games of NCAA Football on XBox, we've determined exactly how to utilize and stop the black/athletic quarterback. This solution kills two birds with one stone. The Realests get to move back to Ann Arbor and Michigan wins 17 national championships in a row.

Reason #2: The Big Ten Network

Wow, here's a shocker. The Big Ten Network is involved in a bitter battle with cable providers over carrying the channel and in the network's inaugural game we have one of the biggests upsets in college football history??? Is Tim Donaghy the CEO of the Big Ten Network?! This is crap. As always, we've followed the money. There was a strong evidence linking the Vegas betting lines, the IPO of the Big Ten Network, and the referees' decision making in the Appalanche. Maybe Lloyd and Ron English are shareholders in the TV network. We'll investigate further.

Reason #3: Jim Harbaugh


You all know that he's laughing his ass off right now. This is what he wanted. He stuck it to us for our academic standards because he thought that we had superior athletes. Now he can talk shit about us sucking on the field too. We traced the cell phone records and found that the ear piece in Armanti Edwards helmet was actually a direct line to Jim Harbaugh's cell phone. Coincidence? Hardly. Harbaugh's been salivating over the Michigan job for years and he sensed an opportunity to bring us down by selling our playbook to Appalachian State. What a jerk.

Luckly, we've got a solution if this turns out to be true. Hire Jim Harbaugh.

(Oh, and in the course of our investigatory journalism we also found out that Bill Martin is Ed Martin. Wrap your head around that Big Blue Nation.)

SATURDAY'S SILVER LINING

This is a special moment for The Realests.

A single tear rolled down my face after seeing what Tony Ding sent me: pictures of The Claw, alive and well.

Note: You won't be able to tell it's The Claw without clicking on the picture. Also, we've taken the liberty of highlighting the people with textbook form and spotted the haters still doing The Chop (For the last time, this isn't Florida State, people!).

It appears this is the only part of Michigan football not in shambles right now. Go ahead and take that claw and give yourself a scratch on the back...

APPALACHIAN STATE WON'T GO AWAY

We said immediately after Saturday's game that Appalachian State will haunt you for the rest of your life, but this is getting ridiculous.

As if it isn't bad enough to be on ESPNews every 5 minutes (with a Jim Carty interview, no less!) and in our nightmares, Michigan fans are even reminded how shitty we are during crappy Adam Sandler movies.

As Little Bird pointed out while watching "The Longest Yard" yesterday, there's a scene where even Sandler rips the Mounties:

Sandler: All right. Relatively simple. You need a tune-up game.

Other Dude: A tune-up game?

Sandler: Yeah. In college, we'd start every season against Appalachian State or some slack Division II team. Kick the living shit out of them. Get their confidence up.

Will the torture ever end???

FAREWELL TO MICHIGAN FOOTBALL

R.I.P. Michigan Football

May 30, 1879 - September 1, 2007
You're dead to me, boy... You're more dead to me than your dead mother...

WORST FEELING EVER

Michigan just lost to Appalachian State. Let's get this out before we pour tapioca pudding all over our faces:

We are the laughingstock of college football.

This will replace Chaminade over Virginia as the biggest upset ever in college sports.

We will never live this down. When you tell people you went to Michigan, people will make fun of you for the rest of your life because of this game.

This is Lloyd's legacy. They might as well erase the '97 title because all he will be remembered for is this.

Donovan Warren already announced he is transferring to USC.

Gingell just took Jamar Adams' safety position.

This is the biggest disgrace in the history of the state of Michigan.

This can't be real.


Just keep doing this to yourself...

"ROSS" ON SUICIDE WATCH

We heard about this a couple days ago, but it didn't really sink in until we saw it on YouTube. Fast-forward to 1:20 left on the clip. Yikes Ross. That guy is definitely reading don't-kill-myself books right now.